Latest / Shared Light / Ep. 15- Kindness, Courage, and Crying Out for Help: When Your Child Says ‘I Don’t Want to Be Here’

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Ep. 15- Kindness, Courage, and Crying Out for Help: When Your Child Says ‘I Don’t Want to Be Here’ · Shared Light

• JR And Dustie Rodriguez: Good morning all. Welcome to another episode of Shared Light with Dustie and JR. am obviously JR. And I'm Dustie. So how have you been? I feel like we've been busy, but not busy. There's a lot going on in our Yes. One thing that we are crazy excited about, as you can see Dustie is holding up a fancy new mug. We have decided to create some merch. focusing a little bit on sharing your light. we didn't want it to be something that you are just visibly repping our brand. So we've created a few designs that, will hopefully inspire people to continue sharing their light. the hat that I'm wearing is, is another piece. we do have some samples on the way to, to test out exactly making sure that the quality that we are, we are putting out there with our name matches. our expectations, but we're excited about it. Feel free to go on our podcast website, look at our shop, plenty of stuff. ⁓ you know, dusty will be creating designs as they come and as we find things that inspire us. So, with that, that's a little bit of the exciting news here in our household. Yeah. Spending some time on that lately. it's been busy trying to get that all put together and, you know, to figure out all the logistics of it. hopefully it, it, it's stuff that people like and that, ⁓ again, inspires people to continue, you know, spreading our message of sharing your light in a dark world. So, which us a little bit into ⁓ our for today. Dustie ⁓ let me know that May mental awareness month. Which when you think health, we've talked about a little bit on this show, Dustie has struggled with ⁓ some mental health issues, anxiety and. We have also been impacted by severe mental health back in 2012, of mine. you know, decided to take his own life. And that's a topic for another show, but recently we've dealing with ⁓ a bit of our own black cloud to some circumstances that have only come to light in last few weeks. My little one, my little girl has been severely struggling with mental health issues. Those of you that read our blog may or may not know that you know, some things have gone on. she is now at no longer school. again, that's the topic for another, another episode, but, a lot ⁓ of negative situations came light. we started talking through some of the challenges she was having, Yeah, mean, I think we knew like the school year that, you know, she had kids here and there that would ⁓ say or, and so she started to struggle ⁓ with friends finding friends and, having friends ⁓ what that meant her. you know, because she is very She's very much like me. mean, she just, kind hearted. She wants to be, you know, everybody, ⁓ wants everybody to like her. She wants to everything for everybody to just, ⁓ you make them feel good or, know. And I think this is part in her life that she has to start realizing that not is her. Yeah. So unfortunately... some of those situations that have arisen have caused her to have a poor self-image of herself. Which, your point, she's kind-hearted, she doesn't understand why people are mean to her. She understand why people are willing physically touch in negative way. Nothing sexual or anything like that, but you know, at school there was some, you know, call it for it is, it's ⁓ bullying, right? So. ⁓ What came out of it was that it was essentially people that she considered friends of hers. Yeah. So that has been traumatizing for her. and has damaged her herself image to the point where she had a scary conversation with us the other day. in which she very much made it known to my wife that... Maybe she didn't want to be here. So we thought. in the moment and even now, know, this is one of those, those situations where you never expect your child to come up to you and tell you that, that they don't feel like they should be here because, you know, nobody likes them or they're treated a certain way or, ⁓ you know, they just don't understand how people can be so cruel. And it was very much a check, I think, for both of us, because see her. ⁓ as a shining light. She's... Yeah, we just see her in such a different view. I her for being able to ⁓ talk us. And just so you guys are aware, we're getting her help, we're doing what we can. She's gonna go a counselor in the next few days. And it really helped us take step back and... take a breath and realize, know, how do you, do you navigate that in a marriage? Yeah, I think not just in a marriage, but as a whole, you know, cause it's real easy for people to, and I think just maybe the status quo is to like, it's just a part of being a kid. Like you're in school and that's what kids do and boys will be or whatever. And, You know, and I mean, I personally have never... thought that way or felt that way. I always take mental health seriously, but I know a lot of people do and it ⁓ can be something that is swept the rug or is ignored for so long that it can get to a point where, that child or that does do something, to hurt themselves because either they're not comfortable Speaking up and talking to somebody or they just feel like nobody cares, Even if do speak up so I think for us we've never Ignored mental health. We've always been very like ⁓ I've always been If you are feeling it and need to say it say it, you know if you need to Say whatever do whatever always been very open about wanting them to. be open about their mental health and what they're feeling. And for full disclosure, I have not always been that way. Right. And we've talked about a lot on this channel that I am very much deal with your emotions, shove it down, man up, so to speak. The unfortunate thing is that I, for the longest time was that way, even with my little girls. Why are you crying? you know, where is the point of that? And you know, sometimes even when you don't think your kids are listening, they're listening wholeheartedly because something that came up in that conversation was very much a lot of the things that I used to tell her when she was, you know, two or three years ago, she doesn't want to cry because there's no point or there's this or, know, she needs to, yeah. ⁓ I to in that moment very much eat my words. and apologize because it's not correct. It's not a good way to anyone, ⁓ alone your little girl, So it was very eye opening for me, just the impact that it had on her you know, in a roundabout way. I have played into that, you know, don't talk about it. Don't, don't rock the boat, so to speak. You, you, you need to deal with it. You need to, and that's really just, that's how works, right? As you start to. ⁓ back yourself up into a corner you don't feel like anybody's going to listen to you or you don't feel like you're able to speak out about those things. Yeah. Like it's just pointless. ⁓ I and that's why I say admire her for even saying anything because it would been real easy for her to just not say anything. And then who knows, right? is the point of this conversation today, right? Is life, people are going to struggle. Whether be your friends, whether it be your family, whether it be your spouse, whether it be, you know, your boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever it may be. How often, mean, and look at yourself and really reflect on it. And I have, ⁓ I have one that has had to, again, eat my words because how often is it ⁓ in our world, in our life, in our day to day, that it's real easy to say, no, not right now. this isn't important ⁓ this moment. Or, ⁓ you're just being overly emotional. You're being dramatic, yeah. Maybe that is the case sometimes, but who are you to be the judge of that? Right. And I think too, like sometimes. People and children can use their mental health sometimes to manipulate some situations. But always err on the, you ⁓ the side in that I just, I take everything so seriously. even if, you know, she being dramatic or whatever, I still try to take that seriously. Well, and in looking at communication, ⁓ especially with our little one, right, is she's always going to try to diffuse the situation. So that's her, right? She's the one that diffuses everything, tries to make a joke out of everything, tries to downplay and. It's like that, I'm sure for, for everybody has their own defense mechanism and how they're going to deal with difficult situations. Yeah. Some people get upset. Some people joke, some people, again, you know, it's something that we talk about all the time is you never understand what that person's perspective and how they're going to cry out for help. They come at you in a joking manner saying, Hey, I want to do this to myself or Hey, I want to do, and then laugh about it. But really they're, crying out for help. They're trying to get it out there so that somebody hears it. Yeah. They just don't know how to get it out there. So it's not always going to be a, and luckily in this conversation, in this situation, it was a personal, intense conversation that it took you to have. mean, ⁓ ⁓ and my other daughter were over here busy doing, you know, some paperwork for her school that she's trying to get into, into the exercise leadership extra. ⁓ curricular activity so was helping her with that but at the in the moment even I At that point was dismissive of her because were busy and we were trying to get stuff done and you You know took initiative and took her out to talk to her to find out what's going on and lo and behold, I mean She hasn't been in school for a couple of weeks now, but this is still really impactful to her little brain. Yeah I think she just started to really process, everything that over the school year and... you know, that her friends were so-called friends. what, ⁓ that were, ⁓ hitting her and kicking her and stealing her lunch and, you know, just bullying And so I think it's a hard thing for, it was hard for her. ⁓ And maybe in that moment, kind of processed like, I don't have any friends, because what I thought were friends are not, you know. And so I think it all just kind of came to a head with her. and she had already been struggling the last few days before that. just, I think, processing, trying to out in her little mind. why people are that way or why that happened to her. And in her mind, kind of figured out it was my fault, you know, which is something that you can relate to. Yeah. Because you have the same defense mechanism. Things happen. Yeah. So she's, ⁓ she's me in that, when something like that happens, she internalizes like, What did I do wrong? Why am I not enough? What could I, you know, have done differently to make them like me? Or if I wasn't this way, maybe they wouldn't have been mean to me. um, you know, you, me personally, I just look at myself and, and think there was something that I could have done or said, or, um, to not make the situation what it was. Which. That boils down to. Like, what do you do as a parent to... create that better self image? What can you do? What can you do to give your child more self confidence? these are hard lessons that ⁓ are gonna learn, but everybody's gonna internalize it different to your point, right? I was actually just having a conversation with ⁓ a of at work the other day about the situation, right? And he was telling me, know, his... defense mechanism when he was a kid was that he would just randomly punch people for the longest time. was like, was him. And it wasn't until about sixth grade that people told him like, hey, you're kind of an ass. And he had never even thought of it. So, you know, it really goes to show you that there's not, not to say that kids don't know what they're doing. but oftentimes you see that they emulate their environment, our daughter is very much in personality and it very much, you know, ⁓ splitting image of how you treat people. She's kind. She loves everybody. She tries to make sure that everybody feels included. She's a giver, selflessly and sometimes to a detriment of her own wellbeing. my other daughter has a lot of those qualities. but she's also built up a lot of my qualities where she also doesn't take a lot of crap from anybody. my little one has not taken that. you navigate, know, childhood ⁓ and because hitting that age where it's, you know, starting to get in between. They're starting to a vision of the way the world works. And I think this one totally just turned her world upside down because it went against everything that she knows in life, everything that she sees from your mom. to us, to the key people in her life. And maybe even not in her sister because you know, their sisters and they fight like sisters do, but even her sister, once she found out what was going on, was devastated. Yeah. Because they don't have that relationship where they talk like that. No, they just, they communicate so differently. O is so much like you in that. You know, she talks a lot of crap but that's her way of showing love, because she's not the type person to just come out and give you lots of love and hugs and I love yous. that's just, that's just not her. She doesn't show her love that way, but G does. and so I think their communication just, it doesn't mesh well. ⁓ What our oldest ⁓ is, ⁓ you showing love and joking and saying things and, know, talking crap with sister. know, my little one thinks, geez, I'm constantly not enough. I'm, you know, I'm not doing enough. saying enough. ⁓ I look up to my, sister and ⁓ just, talks crap about everything that I do or that I say and she internalizes that, you know, as something that she did wrong. And so I think their communication just... They just don't mesh. which actually helped us in this situation talking to them both. Yes. Because we can relate to that. Yeah. And we have been through that. Maybe not at the same level because they're sisters, but I mean, a similar communication style. ⁓ mean, it's taken us years ⁓ get, figure that out. But, which again, in this instance actually helped us. in the conversation, talking through the issues and what was going on. And, you know, again, me owning up my part of, a failure as a dad, and being able to own that with my daughter, I think also gave her some relief because she did finally have an emotional breakdown that I think she had been building up and needing to have ⁓ for time. And I think she's been better since, but there are still instances where Like I'm constantly worried about the amount of time she spends by herself. Yeah. She's kind of, you know, closed off. She's definitely not herself. She's not bubbly and you know, she is usually just cracking jokes and she's super funny and she's bubbly and, you know, even my mom noticed the other day when she came here yesterday. She just, she's not herself, you know? I mean, she has some work to do, but I feel like her even when we had that conversation, she doesn't want to go to school, doesn't want to go here or whatever, because she feels like her only safe place is here ⁓ at home. but even her knowing her home and her sister and her parents are her safe place. that's good. That's a good start. Cause a lot of people don't have even that. Which is why we push so hard sharing light and being the light for others. Everybody needs that. Well, and that's one of the things that has I've identified over the last year, year and a half, right? Is I'm very much my mission. feel like in life is to be an advocate for that can't or don't have, ⁓ was in a very dark place at one time and I finally had one person in my corner that saw something in me that allowed me to reach whatever levels I've reached and turn it all around. There to your point, a lot of people that do not have that. that do not have a support system, that do not have even one person in their life that they can talk to, truthfully and honestly enough to be able to work through some of the issues that they are going through. Which. I think, you know, I've said it before, is that's why you have to, like my buddy used to say, right, kill them with kindness. You never know what people are going through. You never know how a small act of kindness for somebody can have an impactful, effect on their life. And it's something that doesn't cost anything. that's something that we also teach our kids too. And I think that's why, our youngest is struggling so much is that we, we teach them. You don't know what other kids through. ⁓ the kid that comes to school and is and is yelling and is bullying and maybe even being physical, it's probably what he sees and goes through at home. ⁓ And that's what he knows or she knows and so we have taught them that Sometimes they just need even if they're the mean kid and and nobody likes them and ⁓ they're the You always want Be kind because just little bit of kindness can You know can change something in that Well, it's ⁓ like a spark can grow into a massive fire, right? It impact somebody on a level that, I mean, this person was nice to me. Maybe there are other people out And that's not to say that I haven't also taught my daughters that they need to defend themselves or somebody with their hands on them. Yeah, I mean, not everybody's going to look at it, especially kids look at it as like, this is my... the spark in my day or this is my, you kids may not even, but some may, you know, some kids that may be the best part of their day is going into class and having that one kid that's nice to them. You know? And I think that's just people, right? So not even just at school, but your of work. Yeah. the grocery ⁓ I, ⁓ read an interesting or did an interesting exercise a few months ago for one of my classes in college where was like a reframing exercise. So ⁓ many times have you been ⁓ down the street, right? And in a hurry, you're trying to get where you go and there's somebody in front of you ⁓ always is going like five ⁓ miles the speed limit or the side to that is somebody cuts you off because they're in a bigger hurry than you are. And what is your first reaction? Yeah, you're like, yeah, your first reaction is to get upset, right? And, and in this reframing exercise, they take you to the same scenario. Okay. Now imagine the person in front of you that's going five miles under the speed limit actually does not know how to drive. And they are trying to get somewhere because that is their only means of transportation because somebody is passing away or somebody is at the hospital or something. changes your thought process like, I want to help this person. Same with somebody cutting you off. Somebody cuts you off, they're in a hurry. You don't know if their wife is going into labor or they're headed the emergency room because of whatever or you don't know what their circumstances are. Yeah. They're not just automatically doing it just to be ⁓ And It's little things like that throughout your day that you just don't know. And we talk about all the time. You don't know other people's perspective. You don't know what other people are going through. And it's the same in, school work. And for my kids, we've really tried to instill that in them that you really don't know what other people are dealing with. Sometimes my, my kids, I'll, you full disclosure, my kids are spoiled rotten and we work very hard to make sure that they have everything that they could possibly want or desire. But they don't understand that not everybody has that. Yeah. and that will create situations where they start questioning like, well, why can't this person do this? Why can't, well, ⁓ you it's not, it's because you don't understand what they're going through. Yeah. I think that's a hard. That's a fine line too, like even when we're teaching them that, you know, to be kind and include people and their light basically ⁓ everybody they come across. There's fine line in teaching that and then teaching also, that doesn't people to bully you and physically hurt you. And that's kind of we're at right now with our youngest is like, that's, you know, that line got breached. well, that's why say I'm one that also tells them that, you know, if somebody lays hands on you, you have every right to defend yourself. Yeah. It's just hard. Like it's a hard situation to navigate. ⁓ because that's exactly what she said. Well, I'm, don't want to be mean. Yeah. And I, and I was like, well, I get that mama, but not that you're being mean. It's that you're. you're physically restraining somebody from doing something to you. Yeah. I mean, but it's also the reason that she, you know, got blamed from an adult at school the situation that happened. She, you know, got blamed for that because she was kind to that kid after he did something, which I will tell you, to victim blaming is not okay. I don't care what circumstance or what logic you have in your mind. Blaming a victim is never okay. No. on the flip side of that. victim blaming a child that is 10 years old, they don't see the other side of that impacts her. Right. her mental health. It plays big part in how she's feeling now. because it plays into, I'm not enough. I didn't do enough. know, I these situations. Which again, child or not, it's never victim's fault. Never. care what they it ⁓ is. ⁓ choices that are made by other individuals that cause situations to happen. And I'm speaking from a clear perspective of somebody who has been in a lot of trouble in his life and can honestly say that nobody ever forced me to do some of the things that I did. Those were all choices that I made. and it goes the same for anybody who's out there committing any kind of crime, doing any kind of hurt to other people. that situation itself, I think was more upsetting to us because as an adult. especially as an adult in charge of an organization, should be understanding of what are doing. but unfortunately, don't. And, you know, part of the reason we're here talking about it today is that There's not always gonna be the people that you think protect your mental health or your child's mental health or, you know, that was a real rude awakening for us. to have that situation happen with our youngest and feeling like. She's not protected. Right. We send her to school every day, five days a week seven hours, whatever it is, to environment where she is not protected. And each day ⁓ she's with these things and it's further impacting her mental health and how she's feeling about herself. You know, it just keeps adding and keeps adding and keeps adding. So I think it's very important that you talk to your kids, you talk to your spouse, you talk to your friends, and have that open communication. Well, and the flip side to that, that you're willing to listen, right? Yeah. You have to be willing to listen to those people that are talking to judgment. Yeah. With no judgment and not looking at them saying, if it was me, I wouldn't even care. Well, yeah, but that's not you. That's not just, you know, they perceive things differently. They feel things differently. They internalize things differently. Um, you know, because the situation that may impact me and be detrimental to my mental health may be something that you can just look at and be like, Oh yeah, that's not a big deal. You know, we ran into, yeah, we've been there. Um, but that's not to say that you have ever just looked at me and been like, Why do you even care about that? That's dumb. You know? Well, I mean, I'm willing to bet I did that when we were first married for sure. but we also didn't have all these in depth, conversations we do now. But if we did, if I came to you with something and said, this is detrimental to me, this is how I feel about it. It's really impacting me today. You would never look at me be like, well, that's dumb. Why do you even care about that? Well, and that's and and because that's being dismissive and that's the part of relationships that a lot of people miss out on that any relationship that you're in, whether it's, ⁓ family member that you're really close with, whether it's a ⁓ spouse, whether a coworker, whether it's a child, know, whatever it may be. Communication starts ⁓ active and able to actively interpret what they're trying to tell you. and taking in all of the cues that they're giving you. Because as I mentioned, someone may come at you and be irate about a situation, but you have to get to the root cause of why are they coming at me with this aggression or why are they coming at me with this level of to talk about this or, or, you know, in the case of, of my daughter, it's always with her always it's, she'll say something in a joking manner, but I think she's trying to read the room see how we're going to react to it. Yeah. I see it now all day long with her sister is that she'll say stuff and then joke about it. And then she's her feelings. You can tell. which we have been talking to our daughter about being a little nicer to her sister because I know that, I mean, that was the conversation that her and I had was like, I get it. You know, I'm in the same boat as you. I, show affection the same way. joke around with people, but you have to understand that not everybody takes it that way. Some people take it like you're being really mean to them. Yeah. I mean, but she definitely was. Not aware. No, no. I mean, she was that how she was making her sister. Yeah, she was. mean, she was devastated. Yeah. I mean, it was I think it was scary for her to even know that sister was feeling that way. But it's it's that that dynamic of being able to interpret what you're hearing and being able being willing to listen without judgment. Because. especially when it comes to mental health, you never know when people are crying out. And the scary part about some situations is that when people are done speaking about it, make choices that impact people forever. Yeah. Yeah. Because, and usually when they're done and they don't care anymore is because nobody has listened ⁓ they have, you know, at a tried to in and out and tried to be understood and tried to... I mean at a surface level maybe we understood. But obviously, in some situations, it's not what you... And I'm not saying that... when people make such choices like that, it's anybody's fault. But do understand that there are signs long before decisions are made to change forever that. ⁓ people will ask for help in one way or another. They're just so it can vary. it's so different for each person, how they cry out for help. Right. And like I said, you know, we're, we're obviously not trained professionals. We're not mental health professionals. even with my daughter, we, you know, we talked her off a ledge, but we're seeking professional help, to to the underlying issue and to maybe get her some tools to be able to deal with some of this stuff. brings up another interesting point, ⁓ the stigma of that, even at her age. there was a little bit of a stigma for her to go and talk to a counselor. Yeah, because she didn't. I think her mindset is more. My only safe place is home, and so I want to talk to anybody about it and I think it's very. Looked at and judged. When people say I need or I'm going to counseling or. And it shouldn't be. ⁓ I mean, that is such a good tool for anybody, not just for mental health, for people that are struggling in their marriage, for people that, know, whatever the case may be, there's such a stigma that counseling is a bad thing. And it is so opposite of that. Which is strange, right? Because people seek help for all sorts of things. get consultants for business. get, well even in the medical field, like you have. disease for something you seek help you go to a doctor to help it right to remedy it I Don't feel like your mental health and counseling should be any different I mean, yeah, I mean, it's I mean, it's like it's no different than going to chiropractor for a bad back ⁓ I've never why there's such a stigma about it I mean some of that could also be ⁓ And I guess I don't know, I don't, I mean, this is really a field that I'm not familiar with very much outside of, your struggles and now our daughter's struggles. But maybe there's ⁓ a ⁓ perception well, if I go to counseling now, I've admitted that there's something wrong with me. Yeah. And. But kind of. Since I've done counseling and I've been on a mental health journey, that's of your first step that you need to start your healing is to realize not that anything's with you, just realize what you're struggling with and really ⁓ narrow down and pinpoint it to like, ⁓ this what I need to get through. This is what I need the tools to help me ⁓ understand get through or work on, you know, a lot of it for me. In beginning, when I started struggling with my anxiety and everything, never did ever think. it's my ⁓ self image plays a part in that, you know, because I don't feel like I've ever been like, ⁓ I hate myself. I don't love myself. I'm not, you know, but now doing a lot of ⁓ work on myself and ⁓ and getting through some of anxiety my mental health journey, a lot of that plays into it. So there's just a lot of things that you can learn. that you wouldn't even think come into play into your, your mental health journey. Well, and I equate it to like recovery, right? So and ⁓ anybody that been the 12 steps, that's the first thing. I mean, that's step one. ⁓ Everybody will tell you step one is you have to admit that you have a problem, right? because everybody's in denial. You're not, you're always in denial that you're an addict and you're always in denial. you can control whatever demon you have sitting on your shoulder. Yeah. But I mean, it's that learning that you talked about through your mental health journey and things that you have equated. it's similar to, so when I started working on myself, right, it was never because I thought I hated myself. It was because I wanted to be better later, be better. And it slowly morphed into, yeah, I really didn't like myself. Um, yeah. And it took a long time to learn that. But to your point, it's not. about admitting that there's anything wrong with you. It's really just about keying in on what can I do to make myself feel better? What is out there help me? Maybe this person can help me figure out something to make me feel better or that something is going on or whatever it may be. And you're just gaining so many tools and so many. perspectives about yourself and situations that, you thought you knew, but you don't. there's other ways to do ⁓ one thing. other ways look at different situations, ⁓ There's other ways approach different situations. so... ⁓ counseling in my mind is one of the greatest tools that anybody could, can have no matter what, you're struggling with. Your map is the underlying message that we were hoping to promote today is that regardless of struggles, there people out there that are willing to listen to you. probably know somebody that's struggling, you should be willing to share your light and be an advocate for that person and listen to them help them seek whatever they need to seek to be able to be better. even you think you don't know somebody that's struggling, I'm willing to bet that somewhere in your world, you know, they call that what the seven degrees of separation, somewhere there somebody that if yourself are not the one that's struggling, that there is somebody that you can actively have a role in helping get better. So with that, I know we went a little bit of a rant for parts of this, but ⁓ is a ⁓ that is near and dear to our heart. And it is the epitome of what we're trying to do. The more light you share with others, and the more willing you are to be an advocate and be there for others and share your kindness. the more light you're gonna have in the world and the less darkness you're gonna have. So. you never know who needs that light. With that, please share your light we will catch you on the next one.