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Key Things You Need To Survive Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast, finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Alan Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're going to talk through six key things you need to do to survive your divorce.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: To survive and then to thrive, to choose the life, the love, the relationship, the future that you most want for yourself.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: But these key things, they're not the only thing, of course, that you have to do to survive your divorce, but these are key things that you can do in the mess, in the messy middle bit when it feels really, really hard.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: And they are crucial to enabling you to get through and to survive.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: And the first thing, the first thing that I believe you need to do to survive your divorce, step yourself towards healing, is to allow rage.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Allow the rage for so many of my clients, finding that they are really, really angry about their divorce or when they're in the middle of their divorce actually comes as a bit of a surprise.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: So even if they chose divorce, even it was if it was my client who initiated the separation and the divorce, they find it surprising that they feel rage.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now, as women, especially, or those who've been raised as women, identify as female, we are conditioned to not show anger, to not show we're angry, to make sure that things are okay, to make things okay.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: But anger is a perfectly reasonable response and emotion when a long-term relationship or even shorter-term relationship ends, especially if there's been betrayal, an affair, an extramarital affair, um sexual betrayal, or any other form of letdown, but also that slow death by a thousand cuts of your ex-partner not showing up for you, not hearing you, not being there or holding space for you, or you not having a space or a voice or being held in that relationship because that's what I see a lot of.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: It might rise up again as you negotiate and move through your settlement, move through your divorce, recreate a family, reorganize a family, work on co-parenting, but allowing it to be seen, recognized, and felt fully all the way to the end helps you move forward.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Feeling it all the way to the end actually diffuses it and allows you to release it.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: So the first thing you need to do to survive divorce, if anger and rage is something that's coming up for you, allow it.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Don't push it down.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it actually goes for any strong emotion, any emotion.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Allow it, allow it to rise, allow it to be seen, felt, heard if it has a voice, feel it all the way to the end, to release it and diffuse it and soften into what's coming next.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: The second thing you need to do to survive your divorce is to grieve.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: And again, even if you were the one to initiate, or you were the one who chose to leave, you were the one who made the decision to end the marriage or the relationship.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Allow yourself to grieve.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: There will be grief.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: You're grieving the loss of a relationship, you're grieving the loss of a partnership, you're grieving the person that you loved once and perhaps created children with.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: You're grieving the younger version of yourself who fell hard and loved this person.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: You're grieving lost time, perhaps, you know, especially if you perhaps didn't have children, perhaps want or wanted them.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: You might be grieving that lost that lost time.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: You might be grieving the second or third child you thought you'd have together.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: You're also grieving that happy ever after story that we're still sold as the ideal.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: The Disney happy ever after, you find your person and you live happily ever after until you die.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you're grieving the loss of that story for yourself.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's healthy to grieve and to move through the stages of grief.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: It might not be a straight-line journey.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it's often not a straight-line journey through grief.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: And your grief might rise up even down the track a little bit on significant dates or at important moments in your future.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: So allowing yourself and giving yourself the space and the grace to grieve will help you get through your divorce, survive your divorce, and thrive beyond it.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: The third thing you need to do to survive your divorce is to get on with it.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: The true grieving process will take time.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, allowing all the big feelings will take time, absolutely.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Giving yourself time and space to process and feel all the feelings and to grieve is important.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: But divorce is a business and time is of the essence.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Time is important.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, it's important to allow yourself time and space and grace, but it's also important to get busy moving forward on the things that need to get done.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Get sorted on your child caring arrangements, get a lawyer if you need one, connect with me as your coach if you need some support, find a therapist, get good support for your kids, all of the things.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and you if you've been here for a while, you've listened to a few podcast episodes, you know that I don't advocate lawyering up, but I do do strongly recommend you get on with it in terms of educating yourself on options and process and what is available to you and what you most need.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, sit in the sadness, yes, sit in the grief, yes, allow the rage and the big emotions, but also get busy, get on with it because you need to get in action, you need to take steps to separate your lives out, you need to separate your finances, you need to sort out what's happening with the dog, all the things, okay?
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: And if your personal income, your own work life needs to shift and change, you need to get on with that too.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, allow time, but also get moving, get moving on the things that are high priority.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't know what they are, make a list, talk to someone, find the right support so you know what the things are that you need to do.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: So, number three, get on with it.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Number four, and I'm always gonna say this one, aren't I?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Get clear on the cash, don't ignore the money stuff, don't trust your ex to take care of it.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Money is about choice, and choice means freedom, and it is one of the key things you need to attend to, the thing you need to do to survive your divorce.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: You need clarity on the money.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Money gives you options in life.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: So to survive and then go on to build that new future for yourself.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Don't ignore the money stuff, even if it's hard, even if it scares the shit out of you, even if you think there'll never be enough, or you're worried about how much there will or won't be.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: If you're going to survive this, you need to know.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: And you certainly want to know your financial situation to have full clarity, full visibility before you agree to anything, before you sign anything or agree to anything.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now, family lawyers, experts in law, and may not always understand complex financial situations.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: So if that's you, if that's your financial situation, it's really wise to have a financial professional who understands divorce and the tax implications and all the things on your team.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Choose someone who knows.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: There will, when you're splitting out your assets, when you're splitting up the money, there'll be choices and compromises, and it's important you are really clear on your options, your best choices, and what it is you're actually agreeing to when it comes to the money.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: So to survive and thrive, don't avoid or brush over the money conversations because it feels scary or confusing or overwhelming or triggering, or you're worried about what your ex will do, what they'll say, what they'll think.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now is actually the time to take back your power in this space if you want to build a new life for yourself.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot do that, you cannot survive your divorce without visibility on your financial situation, whether that's$5,$50,$5 million, whatever it is, get clear on the cash.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: The fifth thing you need to do to survive your divorce is to focus on the future.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: You need to start at the end.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Where do you want to be?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: How do you want your life, your life, to look and feel at the end of this?
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't just mean at the end of your financial settlement.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: I don't just mean when you're holding that divorce piece of paper in your hand.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: I mean in two, five, ten, even twenty years' time.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Focus there, focus on the future you want to build for yourself.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Set some really clear goals about what you want so that you can make clear aligned decisions that lead you towards that life.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: And those decisions could be about childcare arrangements, they could be financial decisions, they could be whether you want to keep the dog or not, happy to for the ex to have it.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: All the things clearly outline your future and remain focused on that future point, the future life when things feel hard or overwhelming, or you need to choose and make decisions.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Focus on where you're going rather than where you are because good things are coming for you.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: You will survive this, and one part of surviving it, one key to surviving it is being focused on the future you most want to create for yourself.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: Not where you are right now, but where you're going.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: The sixth thing you need in order to survive your divorce is capacity to make objective decisions, to make decisions from a place of calm and rational and objectivity.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: But the two most common mistakes people make in divorce are to overreact with anger and blow things up, or to underreact and perhaps give in to unreasonable requests to fawn.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: So it this is about partly about the fight-flight-freeze-fawn response.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: So be aware of which is your default in high conflict or high emotionally sit high emotionally charged situations.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: So are you one to fight, to overreact with anger and blow things up, or are you more likely to underreact, to fawn, and potentially give into or agree to something that's really not in your best interests?
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now, a higher conflict ex will often try to wear you down and push you to agree to something that is not necessarily in your best interests.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, I'll say a divorce coach can really help you either redirect your anger, dial down your reactivity, or support you to work on speaking up for yourself, advocating for yourself, asking for what you want, claiming what you need, and asking for what you're entitled to.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because we're not emotionally tied to the situation like you are as a client, and we can help you, I can help you stay focused on achieving your goals.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can you can define your future, I can help you make objective, rational, informed decisions from a place of calm.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Surviving divorce is multifactorial, and of course, on top of these six things that I've outlined, you need to build your team.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: So build your support team, your paid and your unpaid cheerleaders, the ones who can hold space for you, who can support you to do these things well, they can support you to dial down your emotions, make objective decisions, they can support you to stay focused on that future that you're creating for yourself, they can support you to get really clear on your cash, your financial situation, what you want, what you need.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: And they can support you through both allowing the rage and all the big emotions and also the sadness and the grief.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: So build those key supports around you.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure you've got people to hold those roles, play those roles for you.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: As I said, both paid and unpaid.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: Friends and family are great, but they're also emotionally invested in you and in the situation.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: So it's really important to have objective professionals on your team as well.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: Remember that where you are right now, in the thick of it, at the beginning of it, wherever you are, you're not at the end.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: It will pass.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: It might not be easy, but building that support team around you is crucial to getting you through to the end, crucial to your survival.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: And when I talk survival, we're talking all aspects of it: social, mental, emotional, physical, financial, practical, all the things.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Survival so that you can take that next step and build the life that you most want for yourself.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you want me on your team, let's talk.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I offer a free introductory call.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: We can talk through coaching options if you would like to explore having me on your team as one of those supporters.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: If you're in the messy middle, do know you're not at the end.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: There really are good things coming for you and waiting for you.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Anchor into that, believe it, focus on your future.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberation.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.