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S4E3 - How Do I Stop Sibling Fighting and Rough Play? · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I
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  answer real parenting questions about behavior,
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  emotions,
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  and the parent-child relationship.
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  In today's episode,
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  I'm answering a question from Samantha
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  about the sibling relationship.
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  So,
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  this is actually a really helpful question.
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  Thank you,
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  Samantha,
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  for sending it in.
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  So,
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  let me read parts of the email and then we'll dive in together.
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  I'm spiraling on a regular basis about
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  the sibling relationship between my two children,
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  4 and 20 months.
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  They're both boys.
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  My 4-year-old is constantly physical with his younger brother,
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  and I'm prone to intervene quickly and admittedly more
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  loudly and roughly than I'd care to admit.
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  The younger one is quite small,
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  5th percentile for his height and weight.
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  And the size difference and potential for safety
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  concerns between them triggers me to no end.
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  How can I help them interact more positively?
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  How do I help myself de-escalate conflict
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  and my own intense feelings about this rough play?
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  Thanks for everything you do,
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  a new but devoted listener.
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  Well,
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  first of all,
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  Samantha,
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  welcome to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast family.
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  And I know there are new listeners every day.
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  So hello to each of you.
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  I'm really grateful for you spending time with me each week,
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  and
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  you have found a community of parents who genuinely care about
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  being the best parents that we can be
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  and wanting to do the best for our kids.
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  So,
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  I'm grateful to have you,
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  Samantha.
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  And
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  I think it's really important to recognize
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  that
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  we all have our own work to do
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  when it comes to
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  the relationships in our lives.
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  In other words,
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  in order for us to be the best spouse,
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  we have to do our own work.
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  In order to be the best parent,
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  we have to do our own work.
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  In order to be the best friend,
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  we have to do our own work to be the best sister or brother or.
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  Whatever the role that we have,
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  we
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  are going to have to tackle things that we're made aware of.
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  And we're all going to have things that are harder for us,
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  and we have an inclination or a bent
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  that maybe someone else wouldn't.
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  So,
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  Samantha,
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  it sounds as though
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  your concern for the safety and protection
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  of your
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  almost 2 year old
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  may be because of
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  him being so tiny,
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  5th percentile,
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  you know,
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  it's easy to feel like he needs more protection and,
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  and more safety and more guarding.
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  That's a very normal process
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  in parenting.
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  We tend to be more protective of the ones that we feel are more fragile,
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  and sometimes that's medical necessity.
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  Sometimes it's social necessity,
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  sometimes it's physical necessity,
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  and so on and so forth.
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  So,
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  I think that while you say you,
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  you are admittedly
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  not a fan of your reaction,
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  I think it's very important to recognize that that's a pretty normal response.
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  So I think maybe it's just responding in a more regulated way.
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  And I think recognizing that we are all going to have to face some things,
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  and sometimes it's related to our own
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  childhood,
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  sometimes it's related to the way we were parented,
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  sometimes it's related to our history and our experiences that we've had,
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  they all play a role
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  in
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  how we respond
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  and therefore what our natural tendencies are.
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  Let's go back to one of our rules of thumb that we've talked about many times before,
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  be a thermostat,
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  not a thermometer.
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  The adage,
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  be a thermostat,
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  not a thermometer,
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  brings us back and reminds us
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  that
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  when things are escalating.
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  We are going to regulate.
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  So as things get hotter,
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  we pitch it down cooler.
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  As things get cooler,
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  we pitch it up hotter.
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  We're constantly calibrating and adjusting
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  instead of matching because think about a thermometer.
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  Thermometer's going to read the temperature.
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  Whatever it is,
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  it's going to be right there.
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  So as your boys escalate,
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  and maybe it's not boys because your 20 month old may not be escalating anything.
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  But as your 4 year old escalates
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  and gets rough and gets handsy and gets pushy
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  and whatever's going on,
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  you know,
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  it's easy to be a thermometer and raise up
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  just the same.
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  But our job as parents
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  is to be a thermostat where we can adjust.
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  We are modeling for our children
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  what regulation looks like.
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  So that's a really helpful thing to keep in mind and remind yourself of.
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  I'm trying to be a thermostat.
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  A helpful phrase for that
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  is the goal is always to respond
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  rather than react.
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  Reactivity is almost always going to go in a direction that we wish that it didn't.
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  Responding
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  It is
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  thoughtful.
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  It's intentional.
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  It's purposeful.
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  I'm giving myself a second.
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  I'm figuring out how I'm going to respond.
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  And then it's going to be more aligned with our ideal self.
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  We talk about this a lot.
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  children become better versions of themselves naturally.
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  We do too.
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  So if you're realizing,
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  you know what,
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  I'm not at my best self
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  when I'm reacting this way.
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  I'm not at my best self
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  when I'm swooping in and I'm yelling and I'm getting panicky and I'm frustrated.
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  Then you're going to work on that as a self-actualization journey too.
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  I want to start responding more
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  rather than reacting.
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  I want to stay calm
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  rather than escalating.
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  I want to model for my child
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  what
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  self-regulation and self-control looks like
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  rather than modeling what losing control looks like.
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  So these are the things that we work on.
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  These are the things that we practice
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  because it doesn't come easily,
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  but it does come.
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  And as far as how do you help your children interact
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  more appropriately.
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  One of the most important things you need to
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  understand is that same-sex siblings close in age,
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  so your boys are 2 years apart.
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  Same-sex siblings,
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  two years apart.
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  are going to have a pretty fierce rivalry.
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  That's a standard part of
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  birth order.
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  It's a standard part of family dynamic.
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  And almost always they're going to be polar opposites in personality.
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  So there's going to be a very fierce love-hate relationship.
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  There's going to be very fierce rivalry and competition and jealousy.
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  But there's also going to be a camaraderie because they're close in age.
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  And
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  they are going to usually be polar opposites in personality.
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  So if one is loud,
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  the other one's going to be quiet.
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  If one is an athlete,
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  the other one's going to be an artist.
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  If one is the social butterfly,
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  the other one's going to be the introvert.
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  Very common.
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  So recognizing that
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  will probably make sense of a lot of things for you,
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  Samantha.
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  You might go,
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  Oh my gosh,
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  that's already happening,
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  and my little one's not even 2 yet.
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  Very
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  common
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  and something that you can almost anticipate.
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  That doesn't mean one is better than the other.
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  This isn't a comparison.
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  This is different is different.
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  So,
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  one characteristic or personality trait is not better than the other.
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  Your boys are just going to be different,
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  likely.
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  So,
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  that is one thought to keep in mind.
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  Secondly,
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  because there's going to be rivalry and competition,
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  you also have to understand the 4 year old was dethroned.
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  This is really important.
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  Your 4 year old was your only child
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  for 2 years.
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  And then all of a sudden this new thing shows up
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  and
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  he's like,
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  well,
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  this is for the birds.
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  Like I liked it it was when it was just me and I got all the attention and I got
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  all of the dialogue and I got all of everything and like now
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  that's not true anymore.
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  I don't know what to make of this.
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  So understandably,
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  your older child is going to have a hard time adjusting
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  to having a new sibling.
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  All
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  oldest
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  face that
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  because they,
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  they were at one point the only,
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  and then all of a sudden they're not anymore.
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  So that's another very common
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  struggle.
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  And then third,
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  you have to recognize that there's a power
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  dynamic in a family that naturally unfolds.
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  And with siblings,
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  it is almost always
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  down the line,
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  oldest to youngest.
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  But that applies to adults as well.
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  So
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  it can be height,
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  it can be weight,
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  it can be age.
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  It can be
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  Father,
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  then mother,
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  then oldest,
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  then youngest.
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  But there is almost always a natural hierarchy that develops
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  in the power structure.
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  So,
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  adults have the most power,
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  but one adult may have more power than the other,
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  depending on what that dynamic looks like.
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  So it could be dad,
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  then mom,
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  it could be mom,
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  then dad,
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  it could be grandma and then mom,
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  it could be uncle,
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  and then whoever.
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  But
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  there's a hierarchy in the adult's power,
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  and then there's a hierarchy in the children's power,
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  and almost always the older child is going to take power over the
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  younger child because that's the only person over which they can have power.
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  Your 4 year old can't have power over you.
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  But he can have power over his younger brother.
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  So that stair step is very common and interestingly,
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  the youngest child is usually
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  the one that takes power over a pet.
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  Because there are no other children to have underneath them,
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  so they'll take it out on a pet.
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  Again,
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  this is all normal.
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  So,
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  I'm,
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  I'm sharing this
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  maybe to alleviate some of the concerns because if you
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  feel like you're the only one going through this,
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  it's helpful to say,
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  oh gosh,
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  this is actually really common and a lot of people go through this.
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  How do you make sure that your boys have positive interactions?
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  It's very important to not in the moment.
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  When he has been rough,
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  when he has been aggressive,
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  when he has been
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  doing something that concerns you,
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  that is not the time to have the conversation.
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  But when you and your 4 year old
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  are
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  getting ready for bed
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  or
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  sitting eating while the 20-month-old is napping
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  or whatever's going on,
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  it's just the two of you,
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  that would be
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  the time when you would very calmly,
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  very neutrally.
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  In a moment of conversation.
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  You know sometimes you're not gentle enough with your brother.
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  Sometimes you're not careful.
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  Your brother's little,
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  and you could hurt him.
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  He's never for hurting.
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  So when you choose to play with him,
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  you choose to play with him gently so that he doesn't get hurt.
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  It's neutral,
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  it's calm,
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  it's clear,
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  it's setting of expectations,
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  but it's not in the moment when a child is drowning,
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  it's not the time to teach them to swim.
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  So we can't ever
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  help a child understand expectations in the moment.
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  We wait for that neutral,
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  calm,
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  appropriate time
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  to set expectations,
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  and then if you see things start to get rough,
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  you very calmly and very neutrally say,
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  I'm going to say that your oldest son is John because it's just easier for me to
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  do this illustration.
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  John,
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  you know your brother's not for hurting.
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  And you're not being gentle right now.
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  OK,
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  that's falling back on the expectation that has already been set.
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  It's a little reminder,
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  which is sometimes enough for the child to self-control.
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  Now,
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  if John continues to hurt little brother,
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  then we're going to have to execute a limit and therefore a consequence.
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  But sometimes they can self-correct.
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  And then what you're going to try to do is give them shared experiences
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  that are fun.
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  So they blow bubbles together,
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  they
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  build Legos together.
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  They
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  go on a bike ride together.
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  They dig up worms in the backyard together.
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  They swim together.
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  You're trying to give them shared experiences
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  where they're both enjoying it,
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  they're both having fun.
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  That creates the memories and the connections
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  that
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  will help your oldest
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  enjoy being around the baby and not resent him as much.
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  It's a power and control dynamic right now,
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  but the more shared experiences they have
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  where he says,
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  wow,
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  I really like being with my brother.
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  Or it's fun to do things with my brother.
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  He will naturally behave in more self-enhancing ways because he enjoys that time.
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  So,
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  it's about creating purposeful and intentional
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  moments
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  that they can enjoy each other's company
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  and also recognize that
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  The behavior that you're experiencing is age appropriate.
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  Four year olds can be rough,
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  and they don't know that they can hurt other kids,
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  and they don't really have a sense of empathy,
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  and they don't really have a lot of boundaries in place.
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  So
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  it's also just normal 4-year-old behavior.
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  And so we're just trying to calmly model and explain.
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  What gentle looks like
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  and what soft looks like and what loving looks like
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  and then give them moments that they can have fun
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  together and over time it will naturally sort itself out.
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  So,
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  Samantha,
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  again,
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  thank you so much for the email.
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  I hope that that was helpful for each and every one of you,
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  especially if you all are in the same boat,
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  and I know many of you are.
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  So,
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  if you want a question answered,
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  if you want me to tackle something that you're struggling with,
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  please reach out to me,
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  brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
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  I'd love to hear from you.
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  Season 4 is only
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  questions.
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  Real parents,
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  real questions,
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  real scenarios,
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  and no question is silly,
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  no question is too small.
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  If it is about
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  your parent-child relationship,
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  if it's about behavior,
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  if it's about emotions,
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  if it's about stuff you have going on in your family,
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  I'd love to hear you.
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  Email me and I'd love to help.
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  So please do brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
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  I love y'all.
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  Keep loving on your kids.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
• 13:33
  Thank you for listening to
• 13:34
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 13:38
  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 13:41
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.