Latest / Mindful Success Path / The #1 Mistake Women Make When Communicating Standards to Men

Transcript

The #1 Mistake Women Make When Communicating Standards to Men · Mindful Success Path

• 0:32
  Have you ever felt like communicating your standards on a date feels like a job interview or worse?
• 0:39
  You're afraid that you are going to come off as too demanding?
• 0:42
  Well, then this video is for you because there's a huge difference between making demands, which will turn high-value men off, versus learning how to communicate standards and boundaries in a feminine way, which actually attracts healthy men toward you.
• 1:00
  And in this video, I'm gonna be breaking it down and I'm gonna be sharing some scripts based on real-life scenarios that have come into this community from the comment section, in my DMs, and also in my emails.
• 1:13
  Welcome to this channel.
• 1:14
  My name is Amanda, and on this channel we talk about how to manifest what you want in life without all the extra stress, chaos, and drama that most people are accustomed to.
• 1:22
  Lately, we've been talking a lot about relationship dynamics, feminine energy, masculine energy, sometimes money.
• 1:28
  So if that's something that you're interested in, make sure to subscribe and hit the notification bell so you don't miss a single video that we have coming out on this channel.
• 1:36
  And if you're new here, then make sure to check out our free divine feminine archetypes quiz because there's four divine feminine archetypes that I teach: the wounded maiden, the awakening warrior, the conscious queen, and the magnetic empress.
• 1:51
  So you'll hear me using this terminology a lot.
• 1:54
  So in order for you to not get confused and know which archetype is running your dating life, just go to mindfulsuccesspath.com/quiz.
• 2:03
  So let's talk about the core principle, which is the difference between expressing a desire and making a command.
• 2:09
  When it comes to feminine communication, you wanna learn how to express your desires.
• 2:14
  What happens is that most women either complain or they demand things, and then they wonder why it is that they don't get what they want So here's the reality.
• 2:25
  Standards are not rules that you impose on other people They are boundaries that you keep for yourself.
• 2:34
  This is always why I chuckle when I see women on the internet who are yelling about their standards and boundaries,'cause it's like, honey, if you actually had standards and boundaries, you wouldn't be yelling about them.
• 2:45
  These aren't things that you announce to the world.
• 2:47
  These aren't things that you're entitled to.
• 2:49
  These aren't things where you go around making demands.
• 2:52
  It's really for you to keep you safe and to understand what those standards and boundaries are for you.
• 2:59
  And once you understand what they are for you, then it's about learning how to communicate them in a way where you can actually get what you want.
• 3:05
  Now, as always, huge, giant caveat here.
• 3:09
  I'm going to give you actual scripts on how to use feminine communication in specific situations where you may have to set a boundary, but there's one really important rule here.
• 3:20
  It's never gonna work on an unhealthy man.
• 3:22
  Never, ever, ever.
• 3:24
  So if you have a man who's unhealthy, if you have a man who's too much in his feminine energy, if you have a man who doesn't honor women, uh, if that's what you're dealing with, or an abusive man, addictions, those kinds of things, it ain't gonna work, right?
• 3:37
  So what I don't want you to do is I don't want you to take this information and try to manipulate a man.
• 3:42
  I always tell women,"Stop trying to make inconsistent men consistent." This isn't about you trying to make a man do something.
• 3:50
  This is about you learning how to communicate your boundaries and standards.
• 3:54
  And for some of you, it might be the first time you ever learn how to do this properly.
• 3:59
  So let's get into it The main difference here is that the way that most women out here are trying to communicate their boundaries and standards is coming from aggressive and anxious energy so when you're being aggressive or anxious, it comes off as trying to control the other person.
• 4:15
  The minute you're trying to control or get a result, you're already in your masculine energy, girl, and that's why it's not working.
• 4:22
  When you learn how to do it from feminine communication, it's actually a lot more grounded and doesn't really have anything to do with the other person.
• 4:31
  It has a lot more to do with you, and then you just observe how the other person responds.
• 4:36
  Now, if you're dealing with a healthy person, then you're probably going to get a more positive response because this is a huge mistake that a lot of women make when it comes to dating.
• 4:46
  They are too accessible, they're too easy, they're too accommodating to the men out here, and then they wonder why the men ghost them or don't commit to them or don't pursue them or are just generally very passive.
• 4:58
  Men need a challenge, girl, and you don't have to fake being a challenge.
• 5:02
  It doesn't work.
• 5:04
  Your standards and your boundaries already present the challenge because it shows that you actually value yourself, and healthy men gravitate toward women who value themselves So when you learn how to communicate your standards from a warm place, you're not doing it to try and get a result out of another person or control them.
• 5:23
  You're simply just saying,"Hey, these are the rules of engagement for me." And then you give space for the other person to step up or not step up, and then you decide whether or not they are a match So let's talk about scenario number one, which is very common, and I already know that many of you make this mistake because it's already come up in my Instagram DMs, it's come up in my livestreams, in my emails, and that is when you are trying to have the talk with a man.
• 5:49
  I have oftentimes said this: if you are with a masculine man who actually wants you, you're not gonna have to have the talk about how to define the relationship'cause, girl, you will know, okay?
• 6:00
  He will let you know, okay?
• 6:04
  But when we are in very early dating, like let's say you're on date one, date two, date three, you obviously wanna filter out the men who are not serious.
• 6:13
  So here's how you would do that So here's a huge mistake a lot of women make.
• 6:17
  A lot of women will be like,"Well, are you just playing games?
• 6:19
  Are you serious?
• 6:20
  Because I wanna be taken seriously." That's what most women are out here doing.
• 6:26
  Or they're like,"Well, you know, I need to define this now." That's what most women are out here doing.
• 6:33
  If you're on, in early dating and you wanna make sure that you're dating with intention, which I always encourage y'all to do.
• 6:38
  If you wanna date for marriage, just let people know that you're dating for marriage.
• 6:42
  It doesn't mean that you have to interrogate a person, but it does mean you learn how to communicate it properly.
• 6:48
  Now here's what that might sound like So let's say you're on date number one, and you are dating with intention, and you're with the intention of a long-term partnership.
• 6:56
  For some of you, it's marriage.
• 6:57
  For some of you, it's not, depending on what season of your life you are in.
• 7:01
  I don't judge.
• 7:02
  So you have to determine what that is for yourself.
• 7:05
  So what that might sound like is,"You know, I'm in a season of my life right now where I really value deep connection and long-term partnership.
• 7:13
  What is your dating journey looking like right now?" That's it.
• 7:17
  That's all you have to say.
• 7:18
  You don't have to accuse him of anything.
• 7:21
  You don't have to interrogate him You don't have to try and define anything.
• 7:26
  And then you see his response.
• 7:27
  When my husband and I, um, met, we were friends for six months first, and We met through work, and we were working on some projects together, and he noticed that I was, like, very obsessed with, like, systems and automations.
• 7:39
  I had a business previous to this one, uh, where I had built, like, a golden cage for myself.
• 7:44
  That's a story for another time.
• 7:46
  And I really needed systems and automations because I was getting ready to enter a season of my life where I knew that I was ready for marriage.
• 7:54
  My now husband noticed my weird obsession with systems and automations in a business, which, uh, for context, like, that's what my husband d- did for a very long time.
• 8:05
  Now he does other things, but he's kind of a systems genius.
• 8:08
  And he was helping me with some projects and he's like,"What?
• 8:11
  Why?
• 8:12
  Why are you so obsessed with this?
• 8:14
  Like, I've been doing this a really long time for clients, and, like, people don't get this excited about systems and automations.
• 8:19
  Like, what's going on here?" And I very calmly and said,"I'm in a season of my life where I'm ready to get married, and, I need something working in my business when I'm not working so I can be available for a marriage." That's what I said.
• 8:35
  That's what I said, and now we are married.
• 8:38
  So two things to keep in mind here.
• 8:40
  Number one, just be honest with yourself, girl, about what it is that you actually want.
• 8:45
  And number two, learn how to communicate it in a way that is warm, and then you just see whether or not men step up.
• 8:51
  Now, in the case of my husband, we were not on a first date when I said that I didn't even know if we were gonna be attracted to each other or anything.
• 9:00
  But what happened was my husband took that as a challenge, and now we are married.
• 9:05
  So the reason why it works is because it speaks about your desires and your standards without going into the defensive and without going into entitlement.
• 9:13
  Huge mistake women are making these days, um, other than just not speaking their desires and standards, the other mistake that they make is because they may have never had desires and standards before, and maybe they've been taken advantage of or treated poorly because of that, then they swing the pendulum in the other direction, and they get very defensive and very entitled, and that's when you get things like,"Well, I need a man, uh, who is six feet and makes six figures and has a six-pack," and all this type of nonsense.
• 9:42
  And then in addition to that, we'll say things like,"Well, are you serious or are you just playing games?" So we're trying to avoid that.
• 9:48
  We're trying to, like, be honest with our desires and learn how to express those desires.
• 9:53
  A healthy man will respond to those desires.
• 9:57
  And on top of that, you don't sound like most women who who are out here.
• 10:01
  So he knows where you stand, and he knows whether or not he can step up to that, and then you get your data and make your decisions accordingly.
• 10:09
  So let's go into scenario number two that comes up very often on this channel Saying yes to last minute or low effort plans.
• 10:18
  Now, I find it very funny because someone in a chat recently said that they don't mind coffee dates, because, a lot of women would think, like, a coffee date is very low effort for a first date, but someone in the chat was saying,"I don't think it, it's that low effort.
• 10:32
  Like, I don't know you like that" you know?
• 10:34
  Well, he don't know you like that either, girl, so he's not gonna be taking you to a five-star restaurant.
• 10:39
  And I actually kind of like the coffee dates because two reasons.
• 10:43
  Number one, if you need to get out of Dodge quickly, you can on a first date for whatever reason.
• 10:48
  And number two, huge mistake women make when they're in beginning dating stages is they spend too much time with this guy.
• 10:55
  Like, you don't know this guy for you to be spending four or five hours with him.
• 10:59
  And then on top of that, you're talking and talking and talking and talking.
• 11:02
  None of that connects a man to you.
• 11:04
  What connects a man to you is a gap, and one of the ways in which you can do that in early dating is to keep the dates short.
• 11:10
  So with a coffee date, you are more easily able to keep it short, and then you create that gap.
• 11:16
  And on top of that, you don't know him and he don't know you.
• 11:18
  So I, I am with, uh, our subscriber who's like,"I don't mind coffee dates." I didn't mind them either, okay?
• 11:25
  I need something a little bit more efficient than, you know, five-star restaurants on a first date.
• 11:30
  And also, a five-star restaurant on a first date means absolutely nothing.
• 11:35
  I recently did a video about the difference between an ambitious man who just throws money around versus an actual provider man with character.
• 11:43
  Definitely go check that one out because it will help put a lot of this into context.
• 11:47
  But back to the point, the point being, let's say he asks you out last minute for a date.
• 11:53
  It's Friday, he's got nothing to do.
• 11:56
  He just hits you up, and here's what most women do.
• 11:58
  Most women will say yes, because most women don't have a life of their own and don't have standards and got nothing going on.
• 12:05
  So most women will pick up the phone and say yes.
• 12:08
  Another group of women will get very defensive about it, right?
• 12:11
  And they'll start arguing about it, and they'll be like,"This is so low effort" you know?
• 12:15
  And again, they will get into defensive and they will get into entitlement.
• 12:19
  Here's what you do if you even decide to pick up the phone.
• 12:22
  You might send a text message instead.
• 12:24
  Here's what you would do instead Thank you for the offer.
• 12:27
  It sounds like a wonderful spot, but, I tend to be able to plan better when I have advanced notice, so how about we just take a rain check, you give me advanced notice next time, and I'll catch you next time?" That's it.
• 12:40
  That's all you gotta do, and then you observe whether or not he gives you the advanced notice next time or whether or not he disappears.
• 12:47
  That's what you do.
• 12:48
  Now, the reason why this works, once again, you are neither being, like, passive, where you're like,"Oh my God, yes, someone finally asked me out on a date.
• 12:57
  Oh, yes," this low-effort behavior, right?
• 13:00
  So you're not there, waiting by the phone, waiting for somebody to ask you out.
• 13:03
  It's not cute.
• 13:04
  It doesn't work, girl.
• 13:05
  And at the same time, you're not being entitled, and you're not being aggressive.
• 13:10
  What we wanna get here is we wanna be assertive, and we wanna be able to know what our standards are for us and, again, how to communicate them in a warm and kind way and leave space for a man to do whatever he's gonna do, and then make your decisions accordingly.
• 13:23
  So now let's get into the next common scenario, which is emotional or physical pacing, and y'all know what I mean by physical pacing, when a man is pushing it way too soon.
• 13:33
  So here again are the two most common scenarios.
• 13:36
  The two most common scenarios is a woman will say nothing and sleep with a man way too soon, or let him rush the whole thing.
• 13:44
  And I've said this before, like, even good men will do this because all the women that they've dated up until you would let them do it okay?
• 13:53
  So that's just something, uh, to keep in mind as well.
• 13:56
  And he might still respect you, but he's not gonna take you seriously as a wife.
• 14:01
  He ain't gonna do it.
• 14:02
  The other extreme, of course, is again turning it into a fight or entitlement and be like,"You're just trying to play games.
• 14:08
  You're just trying to do this.
• 14:09
  You're just trying to do that," which is what a lot of women do.
• 14:12
  So here's what you would do instead:"You know, I really enjoy taking my time to know someone and just taking things a bit slowly so I can stay really grounded and present." That's it.
• 14:25
  That's all you gotta say, and then respond to what this man does.
• 14:29
  A healthy man is gonna take a step back and be like,"Okay.
• 14:33
  All right." And in his head, he's gonna be like,"Dang, this one respects herself unlike all the other ones I tried this with." Um, and he's, he's going to respect you, and he's going to do whatever it is that you decide is appropriate in that moment.
• 14:47
  An unhealthy man will try and emotionally manipulate you into the bedroom.
• 14:51
  So that is what you want to observe So the main thing to keep in mind here is other than just being able to communicate these things well, in addition to that, you wanna be able to sit back and observe.
• 15:03
  I'm gonna have a new video coming out on how to do somatic practices in order to, um, quell your dating anxiety, calm down the dating anxiety, so make sure to subscribe so you don't miss that video.
• 15:16
  Because I understand that it's one thing to state the boundary, it's another thing to actually be able to stay calm and detached from the situation, and be able to observe what's going on without you getting insanely triggered.
• 15:27
  So I, I, I do have another video coming out on that.
• 15:30
  Please make sure to subscribe so that you don't miss it.
• 15:33
  For now, what I want you to understand just from this video is learning how to communicate these things.
• 15:39
  If you get a little bit anxious and uncomfortable, it's okay, it's fine, nothing's wrong with you.
• 15:45
  Just don't let that anxiety, dictate your decisions in terms of what comes out of your mouth.
• 15:50
  And the main thing to keep in mind here as well, um, aside from knowing how to properly communicate these things, is that you're in a position now where you just get to sit back and observe a man's behavior.
• 16:03
  A lot of women don't do this, because a lot of women are just very controlling, and then they end up getting married, and then they end up getting surprises later.
• 16:11
  How a man responds to a small, soft boundary is going to tell you a lot about what kind of a character he has.
• 16:21
  So this isn't just about you, um, doing this for yourself, right?
• 16:25
  And making sure that you stay protected in a healthy way, not in a I've got unscalable walls way.
• 16:31
  You know, you're protecting yourself, but you're still open.
• 16:34
  This is also about observing his character and what kind of a man he actually is, because my hope for you is that you get with a good man.
• 16:44
  My hope for you is that you get with a healthy man, not just any man.
• 16:49
  And some of you might be in a position where you start doing these things, and you're going to be attracted to a man that you find out is not so good for you.
• 16:58
  That is also kind of normal.
• 16:59
  When you are in the beginning of this, I oftentimes say this, a lot of women are attracted to men who are not very good for them.
• 17:06
  This has a lot to do with nervous system regulation, nervous system re-patterning.
• 17:10
  It has a lot to do with what you believe love is.
• 17:12
  So for example, if you believe love needs to be earned, you will naturally be attracted to men who make you earn their love.
• 17:19
  So you might be using these boundaries, and you might be using these scripts, and then you're gonna be like,"Oh, ugh, he didn't, like respond the way that I wanted him to." You have to be okay with that.
• 17:31
  You have to be okay with that.
• 17:33
  You have to get to a point, if you wanna be in a healthy relationship, that it's not just about being in a relationship or even necessarily being in a relationship with the guy who's in front of you right now that you're attracted to, but being in a relationship with a good man.
• 17:49
  And it might be the guy in front of you right now, and it might not, and you have to be okay with it either way.
• 17:57
  Believe me, I know it's really challenging in the beginning, especially when you're newer to this kind of information, but once you really start to practice these things, oh, it is 100% worth it.
• 18:08
  And I say that as a woman who was single for 15 years dealing with more passive men, to now being married to a protector, provider husband who is always chasing me, always pursuing me, even after a few years together, um, and who would give me the world.
• 18:24
  So it is absolutely worth it.
• 18:28
  And you are going to feel uncomfortable in the beginning, and that's okay.
• 18:31
  Just don't let that discomfort sabotage you.
• 18:35
  So I hope you guys enjoyed this video.
• 18:37
  For any of my resources about dating classes or nervous system regulation classes, you can find them all in the description below.
• 18:46
  If you like this video, go ahead and give it a thumbs up, share it with a girlfriend who may need to hear it, and I will catch you on the next one