Latest / Recovery Chronicles / Recovery Chronicles Ep. 195 - Rena C.

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Recovery Chronicles Ep. 195 - Rena C. · Recovery Chronicles

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Speaker 1: Welcome to Recovery Chronicles. I'm your host, Liz, an addiction
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counselor at Heartview in Bismarck, North Dakota. This podcast is
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dedicated to the real human stories of people in recovery
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from alcohol and other drugs. People who have chosen change
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and who wake up every day walking that journey. These
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are stories of hope, healing, and resilience and proof that
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transformation is possible. All right, I am back again. And
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today I'm here with Rina. Rina, what was your drug
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of choice?
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Speaker 2: Meth and fentanyl. Oof, duh.
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Speaker 1: Those are some heavy hitters.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I didn't get into fentanyl until recently. Okay. That's, yeah,
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when everything just went down from there.
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Speaker 1: What's your sobriety date?
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Speaker 2: 4-27-26.
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Speaker 1: Good for you.
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Speaker 2: It's been over four months.
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Speaker 1: That's awesome.
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Speaker 2: Yep.
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Speaker 1: What was the moment when you realized that I can't
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keep living like this?
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Speaker 2: I found myself homeless, like pretty much like everybody else,
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you know what I mean? Yeah. I always told myself
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I'd never walk for a drug or like, you know
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what I mean? And here I found myself walking because
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I didn't want to pay for a lift.
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Speaker 1: That takes away from drug money.
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Speaker 2: Exactly. That was the thought at the time, you know?
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I was really coming down hard, you know what I mean?
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I was off the fentanyl. I found myself trying to
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walk all the way across town and it was up
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Klein Hill. I thought I got to the top of that.
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I was like sweating, dude. I was like, yeah, whatever.
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Speaker 1: Just dying by the time.
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Speaker 2: I had a friend that always sat there and asked
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me whenever I was ready. She happened to do a
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welfare check on us one time because we didn't answer
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the phone. But she was I was trying to encourage
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her just to go to treatment. That was a better life.
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She just got sober or whatever. So at the time,
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my dealer wasn't answering. So I just called her and
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told her I was done. I said, if she wanted
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to help me, and she really was serious about helping me,
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that I was ready or whatever. And she's like, where
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were you at? And I told her where I was at.
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I was in Lions Park. I made it like 10 blocks.
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I was done. I was not walking any farther. It
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was hot as hell. And she's like, don't play with me, man.
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Don't play. She's like, if I show up there and
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you're not there, I swear to God. I was about
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to burn the last bridge I had with somebody actually
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ready to help me. You know what I mean? So
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I sat there. I waited. Not even five minutes after
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I hung up the phone, my dealer called. Oh, my God.
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I was hesitant. You know what I mean? But I
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kept on telling myself, it's the only person out here.
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Last person ready to help you, you know what I mean? Like,
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trying to help me sober up, whatever. I was like, damn,
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if I would have waited five more minutes, man. Well,
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I was like, yeah. So she come got me, picked
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me up, whatever, kept me with her all night. And
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she told me that I had to be there at
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hard to be by 730 and better be ready by 7.
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I was like, what? That don't even make sense. You
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know what I mean? I was like, all right. So
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I was up ready. She brought me there, dropped me off.
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So I don't go, I was the first one at
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the door. Yeah, I went in there. Did my, whatever
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I tried to sign up, but I didn't have an
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ID the first day. You know what I mean? I
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didn't know they would take my ID off the thing.
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But I was ready to walk out and I was like, this,
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you know what I mean? But here, Austin, you know,
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the recovery goes out. I was sitting there and I
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was using the Wi-Fi because I had no, I was
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at that point. No service, no employee. You know what
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I mean? All I had was just dialing on my
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phone or some type of plan anyway. Austin came in there,
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and I was trying to get a ride before she
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came back. And he just told me, like, how Heartview
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actually helped him and stuff. And I listened to him,
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and he was like, this is God talking, you know
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what I mean? Like, this badly is I didn't want to,
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you know what I mean? I wanted to walk away
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and be like, you're a bullshit. He told me how
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long he got clean, and he got it all there.
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He's like, look, now I'm working here. You know what
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I mean? Right. And... He's like, just come back tomorrow.
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I promise you, it's a good program, whatever. So I
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just sat there and I waited for my friend to
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come back. Then we came back next morning and got
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it all done.
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Speaker 1: And now here you are.
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Speaker 2: It took me a week before I got in. Here
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I am. Best decision I made in a really long time. Yeah.
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It's been one hell of a ride, though.
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Speaker 1: Recovery is one hell of a ride.
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Speaker 2: I wish they would have told me about buckle up.
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Speaker 1: That's, yeah, that's one thing that nobody tells you about
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getting sober and going into recovery is that you just
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now you have to buckle up and hold on for
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the ride because this is going to be the ride
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of your life.
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Speaker 2: It's been, it's been, it's been full of blessings, but
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it's been also a lot of heartbreak. You know what
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I mean? Yeah. A lot of, yeah. I've been going
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through a lot of things that I've never dealt with
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in a really long time. Yeah. It's hard. Yeah, it is.
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Speaker 1: Before recovery, what lie did addiction convince you was true?
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Speaker 2: Not as bad as that guy, you know what I mean,
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or whatever. Oh, yeah. Like, this guy ain't got nothing,
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you know what I mean? Like, I always sit there
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and tell myself, at least I'm not homeless, at least
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I'm not this, that, whatever, you know what I mean?
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But until I was. Right. Yeah.
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Speaker 1: Yeah. I used to tell myself that because I was
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26 when I got sober. And so I used to
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tell myself, alcoholics and addicts have been drinking for 30
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years and I haven't even been alive that long.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: Facts.
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Speaker 2: You know what I mean? Like, yeah. I would see
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people and be like, at least I ain't him. You
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know what I mean?
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Speaker 1: Yeah. Whatever.
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Speaker 2: You end up kind of like them, you know what
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I mean?
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Speaker 1: Yeah, until all of a sudden that's exactly where you
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are because your addiction has taken everything from you. Yeah.
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What's something you survived that people never saw?
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Speaker 2: My inner self, you know what I mean? I may
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have seemed happy on the outside, but I was dying
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on the inside. I never, I was a person that
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covered everything up by humor.
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: And that, yeah. Like, even if I got into a
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deep conversation, I'd make something, you know what I mean?
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Speaker 1: Make something funny.
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Speaker 2: Yeah. But in the inside, like, everything was.
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Speaker 1: Everything hurt. Everything.
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Speaker 2: And I hurt and hurt until I couldn't take the
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pain away anymore. Yeah. So my DOC changed.
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Speaker 1: Right.
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Speaker 2: Like, I just wanted, like, something harder or something. So, like.
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Maybe I'll just, you know, like, do so much and
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I won't wake up type shit.
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Speaker 1: Right, right.
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Speaker 2: Never really intentionally. Just wasn't doing it, you know what
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I mean?
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: Never really intentionally having a plan to end your own life,
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but subconsciously kind of that's where you were at.
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Speaker 2: That's where I was going, yeah.
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Speaker 1: Yeah. So, yeah, it's... I totally get that. I was there, too,
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where I didn't care if I woke up the next day.
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I kind of preferred it if I wouldn't have.
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Speaker 2: Because everybody I loved in my life, I pushed away.
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You know what I mean? I get it now that
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they didn't leave me. I left them.
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Speaker 1: Right.
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Speaker 2: Right.
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Speaker 1: Which is a hard concept to come to terms with that.
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Because I had that same thought about the people in
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my life and my higher power that everybody just abandoned me.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, God hated me. Why would he keep on taking everything?
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You know what I mean? It wasn't my family that
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left me. It was me that left them.
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: I know that now, but at the time, yeah.
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Speaker 1: You don't know that at the time. And then when
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you do realize it, when you're, you know, a week
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to a couple weeks sober.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: Then it really hits you like, holy moly. Yep. That's,
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that's what I did.
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Speaker 2: I'm Lin Fossum on my step four. So it's really,
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you're like.
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Speaker 1: That one's brutal.
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Speaker 2: Oh man. I got like two names on there. It
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was like, then I get to the last part and
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I'm like, oh, this is where I did this. All right.
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I got it. I, yeah. Okay.
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Speaker 1: Maybe I really did play a part in this.
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Speaker 2: Oh, I played more parts than I thought I did.
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Let me tell you.
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Speaker 1: I know that, uh, Figuring out that part is hard.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: But good for you for taking an honest look at
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it and not running away from it because I know
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people that have gotten to that point and then they're
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just like, nope, I'm done. This is it. I can't
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do it anymore.
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Speaker 2: I don't know. As hard as it gets sometimes, but
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it's making me look at myself in a whole different...
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Like I... Things that I never even thought of, that
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I blamed everybody else for. Right.
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Speaker 1: Yeah. What part of recovery surprised you the most?
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Speaker 2: That it's possible. Yeah. That it actually is possible. If
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you want it hard enough, it's there. Yeah.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, if you're willing to walk uphill in the snow
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both ways for drugs or alcohol. You can do that
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for recovery, too.
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Speaker 2: I got a shirt that says, chase recovery like you
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chased the dope man. Yeah. That's awesome. I look at
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it and I'm like alright this perfect shirt right here. Yeah.
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Speaker 1: What's harder getting sober or staying emotionally honest?
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Speaker 2: Like I'm still into the newly sobriety thing you know.
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: But It was hard getting into them doors, you know,
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at first. Right. You know what I mean? But the
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emotionally honest part, man, it's, it's, it's, yeah, I'm, yeah. Like,
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I never knew I had so many feelings, emotions. Like,
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it's crazy. I know.
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Speaker 1: Who knew that all those existed? And why don't they
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teach you that in school?
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Speaker 2: Yeah, for real. Like, yeah, you got your four physical ones,
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but you know what I mean? Like, our most different ones, but.
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An emotional one, I mean. But I'm trying to get
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it all out there. Like, I ain't trying to hold
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nothing back.
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Speaker 1: And just feel it as it comes.
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Speaker 2: And, like, some days are harder than others, you know
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what I mean?
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Speaker 1: Sure, sure.
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Speaker 2: Like, especially, like, the grief and stuff. But it's time
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to unload that, you know what I mean?
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Speaker 1: Yeah. What does a bad recovery day look like for
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you now?
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Speaker 2: I don't say so much as I don't have a
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bad recovery day, but I do get in moods, you
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know what I mean? Right. If I fall off routine, like, I've... Like,
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I've got that routine from being an inpatient. Yeah. You
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know what I mean? So, like, that's my sobriety routine,
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you know what I mean? Like, so, like, I still
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get up at 7 o'clock in the morning, like, when
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I was an inpatient and all that. So, like, I
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stay in that routine, but if I miss a meeting or, like, or...
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Go one day without a meeting or not do something
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that I'm supposed to. Knock you out of balance. Yeah.
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And so I try to stay pretty much balanced with it.
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For sure. And yeah.
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Speaker 1: And then you don't just feel it emotionally. You physically
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feel those things too.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: When you. Yeah.
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Speaker 2: I'm still building my foundation from it also. I feel
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like I'm clutched a little bit. You know what I mean?
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: What's something recovery gave you that has nothing to do
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with your sobriety date?
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Speaker 2: How to love myself and actually show up for my family.
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That's powerful.
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Speaker 1: Especially being in early recovery like you are, learning how
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to love yourself. I don't think I started to learn
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that until I was almost a year sober. That makes
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me a little jealous that you kind of started to
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figure that piece of it out as early as you have.
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So good for you. I mean, that's important. We don't
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learn that enough to love ourselves the way that we
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would love somebody else.
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Speaker 2: I got a good support team behind me. You know
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what I mean? We're my sober living. We're very family-oriented.
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I have a good partner. My family is super supportive. Like,
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they've been waiting for this day for... A long time.
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: A really long time. So, like, I got... Yeah.
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Speaker 1: You've got that support there to.
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Speaker 2: And it feels better. As much as I've been actually
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opening up to this program, I don't hate myself as
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much because a lot of the things that I blame
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myself for, it was not my fault, you know what
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I mean? Yeah. Like, I blame myself for it. a
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lot of things where I hated myself. So then as
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I unloaded some of that, the weight off my shoulders,
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you know what I mean? So yeah.
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Speaker 1: And unloading some of that too, it's almost like a
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physical weight is physically lifted off of you. And it's
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an indescribable feeling that People that I don't think have
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gone through traumas and addiction and recovery, I don't think
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they get it the same way.
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Speaker 2: Everybody's recovery is different. I mean, everybody feels as they're different.
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You know what I mean? Sometimes some people are a
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little bit farther ahead with less time than people with
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years of that. You know what I mean? It's just
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all depending on how you work. I feel how you
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work your recovery.
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: What sober habit would active addiction you make fun of?
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Speaker 2: Going to church and praying. Oh. I never in my
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life thought I would be in a church.
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: Praying or, like, even just showing up there. Yeah.
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: That I made fun of, like, so many people, like,
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you're a holy ruler, you know. Yeah, you're a, you know,
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you're cult.
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: And, like, it's crazy because I didn't know, like, the
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program was so, like, you know what I mean, church or, like, spiritual.
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: Like, it's really, you know, it's crazy.
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Speaker 1: It is crazy, and it's hard to kind of come
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to terms with that you need something like that in
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your life. It doesn't necessarily have to be... church in
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the sense that you know Catholics whatever that people think
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of but you need something out there that's bigger.
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Speaker 2: Than you like I come from like a small reservation
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or whatever in this that like in the things you
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hear about like I never even actually knew what the
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program was until like you know as I heard knew
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it's treatment I didn't know there was a 12 steps
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or any like a program to it so like I
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just thought it was some cult type thing.
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Speaker 1: I mean, it does kind of sound culty when you
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hear about it. Yeah. It truly does.
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Speaker 2: That's how they, like, would describe it. I'm like, no,
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I'm good.
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Speaker 1: God?
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Speaker 2: No, I'm good.
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: I don't want to go to church type thing. Yeah. No.
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Speaker 1: No, I don't need any cults in my life.
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Speaker 2: Like, that's... I'm good. I'm baptized.
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Speaker 1: I'm good.
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Speaker 2: That's how I felt.
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Speaker 1: Yeah. What phrase from treatment or meetings lives in your
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head rent-free?
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Speaker 2: This one that, like, I thought was corny as hell.
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Let go and let God? Yep. Yeah, I've always heard
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people say it. Like, it stuck in my head. I
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got up all the sayings, you know what I mean?
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That was the one that, what do they mean, you
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know what I mean? Tell, I got Three months into
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the program, I finally figured out what that means. I
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don't know. I've just been trying to, because I've been
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trying to figure out the spiritual part of it, you
17:08
know what I mean?
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: Like, still working on the praying part, but.
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Speaker 1: That's okay.
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Speaker 2: Well, like, I don't actually, I feel dumb when I pray. So, like,
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our friend suggested to write it down. Yeah. Like, and just, like,
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keep a journal of it. Yeah. Never tell you to
17:26
get comfortable enough, so. I'm going to try that. Okay.
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Speaker 1: I know I felt really uncomfortable too in the beginning
17:32
with praying. I grew up in a Lutheran church. So,
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you know, praying was very like, okay, dear.
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Speaker 2: God, blah, blah, blah, whatever.
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Speaker 1: And my first sponsor suggested to me, don't think of
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it as praying. Think of it as a conversation.
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Speaker 2: That's when my sponsor said, like, you don't have to,
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you know, you can talk to him anytime.
17:54
Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: Like, Whatever she refers to as her homie, her bro,
17:58
or whatever, you know what I mean? Yeah. But I just,
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I'm trying to get into it. So I'm going to
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try the writing part. Good for you. You know what
18:05
I mean?
18:06
Speaker 1: And that's another piece, too, where you can make it
18:08
your own and make it whatever's going to fit for you.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be the traditional, I know I
18:17
was told, hit your knees in the morning and at
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night and was told. And if you can't keep that habit,
18:25
then put your car keys under your bed. Well, if
18:27
I can't find my car keys, I'm going to panic
18:29
in the morning because I can't find my car keys
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and I have to go to work.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: So that's not going to work. That's just going to
18:36
piss me off. And so then I was told that
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it doesn't have to be that traditional kind of praying.
18:46
You can write it down.
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Speaker 2: Like after I did my step two, I figured, like,
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you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Part of the step,
18:52
you had to write what your God is, you know
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what I mean? So, like, that's when I started. Like,
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I knew there was a spiritual part in it. I just,
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I guess I was just trying to be resistant to it,
19:02
I guess, you know what I mean? But it's a
19:05
major part of it, so I'm trying. Yeah. That's one
19:09
part that I'm still working on. That's okay.
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Speaker 1: I mean, at least you're trying and you're putting in effort.
19:16
That's the important part. You're not just like, nope, that
19:18
piece of it is... trash and it's not going to
19:21
do anything.
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Speaker 2: For me yeah so I'm like anything like they always
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tell me to be open or whatever you know I
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mean so like anything I'm suggested I try at least
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you know I mean yeah before addiction wise I'd be
19:35
like not that right yeah my way wasn't the only way.
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Speaker 1: Yeah there was no highway to take it was just
19:44
my way Who are you becoming now that survival mode
19:48
isn't there? driving the bus?
19:52
Speaker 2: Just an all-around better person than I was. Okay. Like,
19:57
being able to be, you know, an active daughter, active,
20:01
you know, sister, auntie, whatever. Just trying to be better
20:06
than I ever was, you know what I mean? Yeah.
20:10
Just so that I could show up for my family. Right.
20:14
That's my major thing is my family has always been
20:17
my everything.
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Speaker 1: And now being able to show up for them is huge.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's great. I love that they could call me
20:27
and ask me to do things or if they need something,
20:31
I could actually provide that. It's a good feeling.
20:35
Speaker 1: Right.
20:36
Speaker 2: Or I would just ignore them phone calls. avoid them altogether,
20:39
you know what I mean? But, yeah.
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Speaker 1: And now they know that they have you that they
20:45
can rely on and you have friends that know that
20:50
if they call you, they can rely on you.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, like, yeah, it feels good. It's actually an amazing
20:57
feeling being able to actually have people that care and
21:01
rely and, you know what I mean, see the changes. Families, like,
21:06
It's still against the wall a little bit, but I
21:08
understand that. But if I just keep doing what I'm doing, I'm...
21:11
You know what I mean? I let them down too
21:14
many times, so it's... Yeah. I don't expect them to.
21:18
But they call, they ask, you know what I mean? Yeah.
21:22
Do what I can if I can help. Right.
21:25
Speaker 1: And the hurts that you caused didn't happen overnight, so
21:28
the healing's not going to happen overnight either. Not for
21:31
them or for you.
21:32
Speaker 2: Yeah.
21:33
Speaker 1: You know, so... I think it's really awesome too that
21:35
you are taking that step and knowing that, yes, okay,
21:40
they are going to be a little resistant and they're
21:42
going to not dive in head first right away. But
21:48
obviously they are showing effort on their part too.
21:51
Speaker 2: I don't expect them to do like put in whatever.
21:54
So I go a little bit over the halfway mark,
21:58
you know, just because I feel like I need to,
22:01
you know, I'm trying to, you know. prove that um
22:05
because my mom always told me actions are more than
22:09
words you know absolutely so i just don't see what
22:14
i can do like i've i would word things differently
22:18
too you know i mean i'll see what i can
22:19
do as i don't put my make the promises that
22:22
i once did you know i mean so.
22:28
Speaker 1: What's something you had to grieve in recovery.
22:35
Speaker 2: Everybody I've lost while in active addiction, I lost three
22:40
of my best friends and two of my ex-girlfriends, one
22:46
from cancer, one from a car accident, and my three
22:52
best friends. My best friend was my brother. He was
22:57
the first one I lost. And I buried them all
23:02
so deep down with drugs, right? Didn't have to feel,
23:06
you know what I mean? Yeah. Because when my best
23:09
friend died, I felt like I died with him.
23:11
Speaker 1: For sure.
23:12
Speaker 2: And he was somebody I was with every day. You
23:14
know what I mean?
23:15
Speaker 1: Yeah.
23:15
Speaker 2: And he's the one who kept me in line. Like,
23:18
you know, like, yeah. Because our families weren't perfect. You
23:22
know what I mean? Like, his parents were there.
23:24
Speaker 1: Yeah.
23:24
Speaker 2: Like, my parents were absent or whatever for whatever reasons.
23:28
But he was somebody that was consistent in my life.
23:32
Speaker 1: Sure.
23:33
Speaker 2: And then, like, My other two best friends, too, were there.
23:36
We grew up all together. So, yeah. And then when
23:42
my fiance passed away from cancer, it went all downhill
23:46
from there. You know what I mean? Yeah. Everybody that
23:50
I blamed everybody. I blamed myself. I don't know. It
23:55
was just really... Nothing's harder than watching somebody you care
23:59
about and you love. And, you know... And there's nothing
24:05
you could do about it, not even doctors, you know
24:07
what I mean?
24:08
Speaker 1: There's no magic wand to fix any of the hurt
24:13
or take any of the pain away or do anything
24:16
like that. And then you're left with all of that pain.
24:20
Speaker 2: And, like, I just stayed high. I compared every relationship
24:26
to that, you know what I mean? Like, I just didn't, yeah.
24:30
So it was really hard to, yeah. But to actually
24:35
be able to talk about it now, like, yeah, that
24:38
was one that would hurt the most, having to grieve for,
24:41
it's been nine years.
24:42
Speaker 1: Yeah.
24:43
Speaker 2: So nine years of just.
24:46
Speaker 1: Of stuffing it into every corner of your existence.
24:49
Speaker 2: And, like, we were, that was my best friend, man,
24:52
you know what I mean? Like, everything. I pushed everybody
24:54
away after that. After losing my three friends and her
24:58
and stuff, I didn't let myself get close to anybody anymore. Well, yeah.
25:03
I isolated myself, pushed people away when I get too
25:05
close type, you know what I mean? Right.
25:09
Speaker 1: Yeah, because if you get close, then you.
25:11
Speaker 2: I felt like I lost them, you know what I mean?
25:15
Speaker 1: Or you had the chance of getting your heart broken again.
25:17
Speaker 2: Yeah.
25:18
Speaker 1: So then it's easier to stay alone. Yeah.
25:22
Speaker 2: But I did that for so long that I've actually
25:25
made myself alone too, you know what I mean?
25:26
Speaker 1: Right, right. And you don't realize that those are the
25:29
implications that you are dealing with until... After the fact,
25:34
and now it's, okay, I need people. I need support.
25:38
I need outside love and friendship and family.
25:43
Speaker 2: Like, yeah, that's, like, when I, like I said, I
25:46
only had one friend that I didn't burn the bridge with,
25:49
you know what I mean?
25:49
Speaker 1: And you came damn close to burning that one.
25:51
Speaker 2: Oh, I've come so close. Dude, I was like, I'm
25:55
just coming down. I'll just get high real quick. I'll
25:57
be all right, you know? But, yeah, I'm glad I
26:01
didn't this month. one person that I that actually showed
26:04
me and it wasn't transactional you know I mean.
26:08
Speaker 1: She didn't want anything from you she just.
26:10
Speaker 2: Wanted to help you know I mean yeah so that.
26:14
Speaker 1: Was a hard thing for me to come to terms
26:16
with when I got sober is that not that relationships
26:20
aren't supposed to be transactional like they are during our
26:23
active use people show up because they truly care and
26:29
they want to be.
26:30
Speaker 2: There Yeah, but, like, there was nothing. I met her
26:34
when I first moved to Bismarck, you know what I mean,
26:36
through another friend. She was trying to help get sober,
26:39
you know, whatever. And, you know, whatever. And I was just, like,
26:46
a mutual friend or whatever. So, but then, like, when
26:50
she'd come around, I'd be there. So, yeah, we had
26:53
a building of friendship and stuff. And, yeah, she would
26:57
always talk to us about getting sober and stuff. And,
27:00
My friend, well, she was my cousin, but yeah, yeah, well, whatever. This, that.
27:05
And I actually thought about it, like, every time she'd
27:09
come around, like, damn. She's like, because they tell stories
27:14
how she didn't have nothing, whatever, and everything, I wanted
27:17
what she had. You know what I mean?
27:21
Speaker 1: And, yeah.
27:22
Speaker 2: I don't know what made me, like, we hung out
27:24
a few times, whatever. And, yeah, I didn't know what
27:27
made me call her, actually. Really, because I was the
27:29
only one that knew that I was trying to offer something.
27:36
Speaker 1: Yeah.
27:37
Speaker 2: Yeah, those things.
27:38
Speaker 1: And you didn't know it at the time, but every
27:41
time she talked to you about sobriety and getting sober,
27:45
she's planting those seeds in your head without you even
27:48
knowing it.
27:49
Speaker 2: I see that now, really. That welfare call to handle
27:53
all those crazies. She's like, well, he doesn't answer your phones.
27:58
And she just got cocked one up. And she just
28:04
laughed about it. Well, answer your phone, bro. You guys
28:06
could have been dead, which is true, though. I mean,
28:09
and that.
28:09
Speaker 1: We may have laughed.
28:10
Speaker 2: About it now, but she genuinely cared because nobody, you know,
28:13
knowing what we were doing.
28:15
Speaker 1: And that's the scary reality is.
28:18
I mean, yes, it's funny now because hindsight is 20-20.
28:23
But in the moment for her, that was a real fear.
28:26
Speaker 2: Yeah, like we didn't answer phone calls or whatever. You
28:29
know what I mean? She knew what we were doing.
28:31
And she's like, you guys answer usually any other time.
28:34
You know, I could try calling both phones. You know
28:36
what I mean? We were kind of pissed. You know
28:38
what I mean? You had the cops, whatever. We were sleeping.
28:41
She's like, well, I didn't know that. You know what
28:42
I mean? Like, nobody talked to you guys. So, yeah. But, yeah,
28:49
I see it. Like, I was mad about it at first,
28:51
but now I see it through her eyes. Like, she
28:54
just genuinely thought something was wrong. Yeah. When you're consistent
28:58
on something and they just stop or whatever, you know?
29:00
Speaker 1: Yeah. It's like, I gave you guys three hours to
29:03
call back, whatever.
29:05
Speaker 2: Oh, it's, yeah.
29:06
Speaker 1: And, I mean, in scary situations like that, too, I mean...
29:11
If you were using fentanyl and, I mean, three hours
29:15
is a long time for something terrible to have happened.
29:18
Speaker 2: Yeah. That's what she said. You guys are dead or
29:22
alive in there, whatever. Yeah. After that, I guarantee we
29:25
were calling back, man. We were making sure them phone calls.
29:29
Speaker 1: You knew what was going to happen if you didn't.
29:32
Speaker 2: Yeah. Like, she would text us. We were, like, we
29:34
were getting high or something. And she'd call her and
29:37
we'd just ignore it. And she'd be like, it's all right.
29:40
go over there? I'm like, oh, no. Yeah.
29:47
Speaker 1: How do you tell the difference between a craving and
29:50
an emotion?
29:55
Speaker 2: Cravings go away. My emotions stay. But, like, my friend
30:02
told me, if you didn't have emotions, you wouldn't have cravings. Dang.
30:08
Speaker 1: I like that.
30:11
Speaker 2: So, like, if you don't, like, deal with your emotions,
30:14
they are going to lead, soon lead to cravings. Right. So, like,
30:20
I've never, I can honestly say I've had one or two,
30:24
but that's, but that was at the beginning. But I
30:29
also change my person, places, and things too.
30:32
Speaker 1: Right.
30:33
Speaker 2: Completely. But as long as I'm dealing with my emotions
30:37
and staying consistent with my therapist and stuff, I haven't
30:43
really get them cravings. So that's stuck in my head.
30:49
If I don't deal with my emotions, they'll lead to cravings. Yeah.
30:54
Speaker 1: Golly.
30:54
Speaker 2: Okay.
30:55
Speaker 1: Evidently, that was something I needed to hear today. Yeah. Um, what's,
31:02
what coping skills sounded ridiculous at first, but actually worked?
31:10
Speaker 2: I never like counting to 10, like, you know what
31:12
I mean? Like them, our breathing techniques and stuff like that,
31:17
but they all, I didn't really do the breathing technique,
31:21
but I tried the walks, you know what I mean?
31:23
Like just going clear in my mind or whatever, listening
31:27
to music. Yeah. But I had to change up my
31:31
music a little bit.
31:33
Speaker 1: For sure. For sure. Yeah. Some of that music is,
31:36
I mean, it's good music, but.
31:41
Speaker 2: It's also depending on the mood you're in.
31:44
Speaker 1: Yeah. It's going to either. It's like having that one
31:47
friend that you know you are.
31:49
Speaker 2: Yeah.
31:49
Speaker 1: That will, you know, something goes wrong and they're going
31:52
to show up at your door with a shovel and
31:54
a gas can.
31:55
Speaker 2: You like that? Or do you want to bury him?
31:58
Speaker 1: Yeah.
31:58
Speaker 2: Yeah.
31:59
Speaker 1: Or you have another friend who is going to talk
32:01
you off the ledge so you don't burn your whole
32:03
world down. Snoop.
32:06
Speaker 2: I usually, like, I don't have many, like, the coping
32:11
skills or whatever. I just learn to talk to people, too.
32:13
You know what I mean? Just actually talk about it
32:15
to somebody. Yeah. And, like, basically all my friends now
32:19
are in recovery or some sort, you know. So they
32:23
usually get pretty good advice. Or I call my sponsor.
32:26
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah.
32:28
Speaker 2: But before, I never did any of that. I thought
32:31
walking was dumb. Counting to 10 was just going to
32:33
piss me off. That's how many seconds you got to
32:36
get the fuck away from me.
32:38
Speaker 1: Yeah. Before my fist hits your face, because that's what's
32:42
about to happen.
32:44
Speaker 2: Yeah, and there was no coping skills then at all.
32:51
Speaker 1: What does self-care realistically look like for you?
32:56
Speaker 2: I actually just take care of myself better, you know,
32:58
like hygiene-wise, like being able to, like, treat myself to things.
33:04
Speaker 1: Yeah.
33:05
Speaker 2: It just feels good to be able to just do
33:07
things for myself and not have to rely on somebody else.
33:10
Speaker 1: Right. Sleeping properly, eating properly.
33:13
Speaker 2: Yeah, I got that all down. I can't sleep past 7.
33:17
It's crazy. Like, no matter how hard I try, I'm
33:22
up at 7. Thank you, Heartview.
33:27
Speaker 1: And those are things that I don't think people really
33:31
think about when they think about self-care. They don't think
33:33
about getting proper sleep or eating healthy meals and not
33:39
just eating whatever garbage you can find to fuel your body.
33:44
Speaker 2: Just basically taking care of, yeah, being able to take
33:46
care of yourself. You know what I mean? Like, if
33:48
you look good, you feel good type shit.
33:51
Speaker 1: Yeah, showering every day.
33:54
Speaker 2: Yeah, man, like... It's crazy because when you're homeless, you
33:57
don't get to do any of that stuff. You're wondering
34:01
where in the next place you're going to lay your
34:02
head or the next place you're going to be able
34:04
to shower at. Right. God knows how many days some
34:08
people go. Two is enough. I'll go to the truck stop.
34:11
We're figuring this out. Yeah.
34:14
Speaker 1: I'll use some of my drug money to go and
34:16
take a shower.
34:16
Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure.
34:20
Speaker 1: Who held hope for you before you could hold it
34:23
for yourself?
34:25
Speaker 2: My mom.
34:26
Speaker 1: Okay.
34:27
Speaker 2: My mother's always been my number one supporter. She loved
34:33
me through the good, the bad, the ugly. She never,
34:36
she'd give me my space when she felt like I
34:38
needed it, but she's never turned her back. She's never
34:43
not believed in me or, you know what I mean? Like, yeah.
34:48
She's always been my number one fan through everything.
34:51
Speaker 1: Yeah.
34:53
Speaker 2: Like, there's nothing I could do bad in her eyes.
34:57
I mean, even though she knew some of it was true,
35:00
that she would fight tooth and nail, you know what
35:02
I mean? Like, she loved me unconditionally through everything.
35:07
Speaker 1: Yeah.
35:08
Speaker 2: Supporting me through it all the best that she could. Right. Like,
35:14
we've had our ups and downs, don't get me wrong. Oh, yeah.
35:16
At the end of the day, that's my mom, and
35:19
she's always been there for me.
35:20
Speaker 1: Yeah. Moms are pretty special in that way, I know.
35:28
Speaker 2: Even when I.
35:28
Speaker 1: Wasn't lovable, my mom loved me anyway.
35:32
Speaker 2: Yeah, like when I hated myself, I just, I don't know.
35:39
And I put her through the worst too, you know
35:41
what I mean?
35:43
Speaker 1: Yeah. What would you say to someone terrified to ask
35:49
for help?
35:51
Speaker 2: That it's okay to ask for it. It doesn't make
35:53
you a weaker person.
35:55
Speaker 1: Yeah.
35:56
Speaker 2: Like sometimes we just can't do it on our own.
35:59
Speaker 1: No, we can't. I was told that it takes a
36:06
village to raise a child, but it takes an entire
36:08
community to get sober.
36:10
Speaker 2: And that's fact. That is facts. It is.
36:16
Speaker 1: And that has stuck with me for a long time
36:18
now that it does take if it wasn't for these
36:22
rooms and like the actual sobriety and, you know, recovery
36:26
community that they have here in Bismarck, I don't think,
36:29
cause I tried it in Fargo like a year ago.
36:31
Speaker 2: Yeah. It's nothing compared to the recovery that we have here.
36:36
Speaker 1: And I, that's one thing that I think Bismarck Mandan
36:38
is so blessed to have is the recovery community that
36:43
we do have.
36:43
Speaker 2: Yeah. It's like, I, I love it.
36:47
Speaker 1: Yeah.
36:47
Speaker 2: I'd do anything to be a part of it. I mean, like,
36:51
Sign me up. Right. You know what I mean? Like,
36:55
if any way I could get back to it, like,
36:57
I do.
36:58
Speaker 1: Yeah.
37:00
Speaker 2: Get a commitment, do whatever.
37:05
Speaker 1: What's the best thing someone said to you early in recovery?
37:11
Speaker 2: My roommate when I first got to SoCo. She told
37:15
me that we were just talking and whatever. She's like,
37:18
I'll love you till you love yourself. And we made
37:21
fun of it and like, you know what I mean?
37:22
But yeah, she told me like, and then it's like,
37:29
we keep on hearing it over and over and over.
37:33
Now I tell people that we'll love you till you
37:36
love yourself. Cause that's what they did for me. You
37:38
know what I mean? Yeah.
37:39
Speaker 1: Yeah. What is the most underrated recovery tool?
37:48
Speaker 2: One day at a time.
37:49
Speaker 1: Oh, God, I hated that.
37:53
Speaker 2: Yeah, that one day at a time. But it's got
37:56
a full meaning behind it, you know what I mean, though?
37:58
Speaker 1: It does, and a powerful meaning. And once you kind
38:01
of get past yourself when people tell you that, it's like, okay,
38:05
I get it now.
38:06
Speaker 2: I don't really understand it until you're there for a minute,
38:09
you know what I mean? Right. If you can get
38:12
through that one minute, that one second, then you do
38:15
another one.
38:16
Speaker 1: Yep.
38:17
Speaker 2: And then if you feel the same way the next day,
38:19
then eat it.
38:22
Speaker 1: Right. Then you try it again.
38:24
Speaker 2: Yeah.
38:25
Speaker 1: And yeah, taking it one day, one second, one moment
38:29
at a time. Then all of a sudden you're four
38:32
months sober before you know it.
38:34
Speaker 2: For real. Yeah. Yeah. I just stay in the present.
38:38
You know what I mean? Nothing I can do about
38:41
the past as much as I want to. Don't future trip. No.
38:46
Speaker 1: No.
38:47
Speaker 2: Because I can't. It happens the way it happens, you know?
38:51
I try to stay present right now. Yeah.
38:56
Speaker 1: A phrase you're tired of hearing in recovery?
39:00
Speaker 2: Keep coming back. That's one guy says it all the time.
39:07
Every time somebody shares this with me, they'll be like,
39:09
keep coming back. God, bro.
39:14
Speaker 1: Take a different line.
39:15
Speaker 2: He even has a shirt that says it instead of
39:18
This is too much.
39:22
Speaker 1: What's one thing sobriety did not magically fix?
39:27
Speaker 2: The guilt and the shame that I carry. Yeah.
39:33
Speaker 1: That's a hard one.
39:34
Speaker 2: Yeah. I'm working on it, but I did not magically
39:40
fix that.
39:42
Speaker 1: Yeah.
39:42
Speaker 2: Because I definitely am guilty of a lot of things
39:46
and I'm ashamed of a lot of things, you know?
39:48
Speaker 1: Mm-hmm.
39:49
Speaker 2: So, yeah. And one of the things that it did
39:53
not fix is it's going to take some time. You
39:56
know what I mean?
39:57
Speaker 1: Yeah, it does.
39:59
Speaker 2: But it took me a lot this far to realize
40:01
that I had that. You know what I mean? Right.
40:07
Speaker 1: What keeps you sober on hard days?
40:11
Speaker 2: Definitely my family. I'm in a good sober living house.
40:15
I don't care what anybody says about it. You know
40:17
what I mean? So cool. They're very family-oriented. Like, it
40:23
may not be as whatever it is other places, but
40:26
there's destruction. It's just very family oriented. So I've, I
40:31
got a lot of support and like, we look out
40:34
for each other. You know what I mean? And my,
40:37
my girlfriend, she's in recovery too, so. Yeah.
40:40
Speaker 1: And sometimes when you can walk into a home full
40:48
of strangers, like into sober living and They welcome you
40:51
like family after you've lost a lot of your family
40:56
because of your active addiction. That can be the world
40:58
of difference between success and failure.
41:01
Speaker 2: Exactly. Like, it's just a very, it was very welcoming.
41:05
It was like, yeah. Then, like I said, my girl,
41:09
my actual family and my partner, she's in sobriety, too.
41:14
You know, she's at a sober living. So, like, yeah.
41:17
They definitely all keep me accountable.
41:20
Speaker 1: Yeah.
41:21
Speaker 2: She does a lot. You know what I mean? But
41:25
I get it. You know what I mean? If we're
41:27
going to be in a relationship, we have to both
41:30
keep our structures, keep our training.
41:32
Speaker 1: Right, right. Yeah. Define recovery in three words.
41:41
Speaker 2: The fellowship, the hope, and the strength. I love the fellowship.
41:50
Speaker 1: Yeah.
41:51
Speaker 2: The fellowship definitely gives me the hope and the strength
41:54
to keep going every day.
41:56
Speaker 1: Yeah.
41:58
Speaker 2: If it wasn't for that fellowship, though, that wouldn't make
42:02
my recovery, you know.
42:04
Speaker 1: Right. There wouldn't be anything then.
42:06
Speaker 2: Yeah.
42:08
Speaker 1: And hope and strength. Sometimes we hold hope and strength
42:13
for somebody else who can't hold their own yet.
42:16
Speaker 2: Yeah.
42:18
Speaker 1: Which is what you're doing today. By being forcefully.
42:23
Speaker 2: Forcefully volunteered.
42:29
Speaker 1: What gives you hope today?
42:33
Speaker 2: Everything. I love the life that I live today. I
42:42
hold on to everything I have. I haven't had in
42:47
a really long time. Like, you know what I mean?
42:50
So everything that's in my life right now gives me hope. Yeah.
42:55
Everything I'm fighting so hard to have to get back,
42:58
you know what I mean?
43:03
Speaker 1: What would you tell the version of yourself who thought
43:06
they'd never make it out?
43:11
Speaker 2: I know we could do it. Just had to do it.
43:13
Speaker 1: Yeah.
43:13
Speaker 2: But yeah. Yeah.
43:17
Speaker 1: It's like ripping off a band-aid. You just gotta do it.
43:19
Speaker 2: You just gotta... It's more like ripping off duct tape, but...
43:23
It's a little bit more painful, so it kind of... But, yeah.
43:31
Speaker 1: If someone listening is one day sober, what do you
43:35
want them to know?
43:38
Speaker 2: Trust the process. Be open-minded to everything. Yeah.
43:44
Speaker 1: Which is hard.
43:46
Speaker 2: It is, like, But, um, like, so, um, first meeting
43:53
I ever went to there, I think it was at,
43:56
was it at CAP? No. What was my first meeting?
44:01
I went to, um, it was an NA meeting. It
44:05
was on a Monday, I think. I don't know which
44:07
one it was, but, I don't know, it was on
44:10
a Tuesday, because your first day, you can't go to
44:12
a meeting. So it was on a Tuesday. I'm pretty
44:15
sure it was, like, Shoulder, shoulder or something. Yeah, somebody
44:19
was talking and said that, like, it was a, well,
44:22
because it's a speaker meeting, you know? Mm-hmm. So, yeah,
44:24
they were just saying, trust the process, be open-minded, like,
44:29
do things that you wouldn't think, you know what I mean?
44:31
Speaker 1: Yeah.
44:32
Speaker 2: Get comfortable, be uncomfortable.
44:34
Speaker 1: Yeah.
44:35
Speaker 2: And I just, after that, then the open-minded thing just
44:39
kept on coming up, you know what I mean? So
44:41
I'm like, oh, I'm just going to be open to
44:44
whatever is suggested.
44:45
Speaker 1: Yeah.
44:46
Speaker 2: So, yeah.
44:47
Speaker 1: That being.
44:48
Speaker 2: And then definitely trust the process.
44:52
Speaker 1: Yeah.
44:52
Speaker 2: It is a process.
44:54
Speaker 1: It is a process. And for people, especially people with
44:58
substance use disorders, we thrive in that instant gratification.
45:02
Speaker 2: Yeah.
45:03
Speaker 1: So then when we don't when we get sober and
45:07
things aren't just magically perfect, it's why am I even
45:10
doing this?
45:12
Speaker 2: Yeah, like, I first got, like, everything, you know what
45:15
I mean? But I waited, you know what I mean?
45:18
I trusted it. I didn't understand or even figure that
45:22
I was, you know, actually giving it to God by
45:25
being open-minded, trusting process. It's more or less trusting God,
45:29
you know what I mean? Just let him lead you
45:30
instead of being so resistant to it. Some things I say,
45:37
I just surprise myself. I don't know.
45:40
Speaker 1: What's your reason to stay?
45:44
Speaker 2: The life I have today is just, and the fellowship
45:49
and the friends and the community that I'm a part
45:51
of now, and I can never go think about going back. Plus,
45:57
I'm really cocky with myself sometimes, you know what I mean?
46:00
So I would look really bad if I was to
46:02
go back for instance. Because I hope, like in my
46:06
sober living, I hold a lot of people accountable and
46:09
like I say, Say a lot of things, so like to, yeah.
46:15
Speaker 1: Yeah, to go a little backwards is.
46:19
Speaker 2: Yeah, definitely. I can't give them the power, I guess,
46:25
you know. So I try to stay ahead of the game.
46:30
I talk a lot.
46:32
Speaker 1: I mean, sometimes that's the motivation that people need is somebody,
46:36
you know.
46:37
Speaker 2: They don't want to hear it, but they're going to
46:38
hear it. You know what I mean?
46:40
Speaker 1: And sometimes you just, somebody's got to say.
46:44
Speaker 2: Somebody's got to tell you you never going to know,
46:46
you know. I'm not trying to be a d *
46:49
* * or be mean, but nobody tells you you're
46:52
never going to know it.
46:53
Speaker 1: Right, right.
46:55
Speaker 2: And don't tell me your problems if you don't want
46:56
to hear my answer sometimes.
46:58
Speaker 1: Yeah, if you just want somebody to sit there and listen, well,
47:01
then I am not the person for you to come to.
47:03
Speaker 2: Before, I would have just avoided all conversations. Now, like,
47:06
I feel like not that person. I have to, you know,
47:09
at least listen, you know what I mean? And then
47:12
I ask them, do you want truth or do you want...
47:15
I'm going to tell you the truth. Do you want
47:17
to hear it or not? They're hesitant sometimes, you know
47:21
what I mean?
47:23
Speaker 1: I haven't quite learned yet to ask people if they
47:25
want my feedback. I just give it anyway. Then just... I.
47:30
Speaker 2: Was like, definitely not going to be what you want
47:32
to hear. But if you're ready for it, I'll give
47:36
it to you. Some people just, I'll wait. I'll be
47:39
right up. Let me think about this. All right, then.
47:41
Speaker 1: I'll be here when you want to know.
47:43
Speaker 2: And then come back and they tell me something. I
47:46
was going to say that, but glad you figured it out. Yeah. Well,
47:52
I had to figure it out on my own. Well, see,
47:54
if you would have just let me tell you.
47:56
Speaker 1: Mm-hmm.
47:56
Speaker 2: Because I told you that was going to happen. I
47:57
was that person. You know what I mean? Yes.
48:00
Speaker 1: Yep.
48:01
Speaker 2: It's crazy how much you use all your bad things
48:04
and can use them for good now, too. I know.
48:07
I guess I had a lot of bad habits. Whenever
48:11
people ask me for advice, I'm like, this is what
48:13
happened whenever. You know what I mean? Because I was
48:16
that person, I'll tell you.
48:20
Speaker 1: And now you can use... That same kind of attitude
48:23
to reach a lot of people with strength and hope.
48:28
Getting your story out there and telling your story.
48:31
Speaker 2: That's the plan. Yeah. I love being able to give
48:34
back somewhere that gave me so much. Maybe only four
48:38
months or whatever, but that four months has changed me.
48:43
It's huge. Yeah.
48:45
Speaker 1: And you should be so proud of that four months, Rina.
48:50
I have seen... that kind of change in you and
48:54
that light come on in you. And it's, it's been
49:01
awesome to see that light come on within you.
49:06
Speaker 2: And that's why I'm so like honored to do this
49:09
or be able to help. You know what I mean?
49:11
Like it, if it helps somebody, it helps somebody. If
49:15
it don't, at least I can't say I didn't try.
49:17
Speaker 1: Right.
49:17
Speaker 2: You know what I mean? It's an awesome feeling, you
49:20
know what I mean? When I first spoke to my
49:22
first group, too, like, it went really good, you know
49:26
what I mean? So that's why I was open to
49:28
do this, too. Well, it's not like I had a
49:31
choice to do this. No, you didn't.
49:32
Speaker 1: I didn't give you a choice.
49:35
Speaker 2: But I'm glad to see that. You guys see more
49:40
than what I see sometimes.
49:42
Speaker 1: Yeah.
49:43
Speaker 2: I need to be more open-minded, you know what I mean? Like,
49:45
and quit doubting myself so much.
49:47
Speaker 1: Mm-hmm.
49:48
Speaker 2: But I want... Like I said, I love being able
49:52
to give my... Give back to something that gave me
49:55
so much so far. Yeah. And it's been a rollercoaster,
50:01
but a rollercoaster I'll ride any day.
50:03
Speaker 1: Yeah.
50:04
Speaker 2: Yeah, so.
50:06
Speaker 1: Well, thank you, Rina, for... agreeing, even though I didn't
50:11
really give you much of a choice, to come on
50:13
and share your story and share your experiences. Those are
50:18
the things that make a huge difference to people is
50:22
hearing people that have been homeless, that have been so
50:30
down that they didn't know which way was up. Yeah.
50:33
And coming out the other side stronger.
50:37
Speaker 2: Definitely is a Wicked feeling. Sometimes I'm like, wow. I
50:45
definitely did a 360 in my life.
50:48
Speaker 1: Yeah.
50:49
Speaker 2: And everything I've gained, I get to keep this time.
50:54
What's that saying? You gave up everything to get one
50:58
thing or whatever? I don't know how that goes, but yeah.
51:01
Speaker 1: Addiction is giving up everything for one thing. And recovery
51:07
is giving up one thing for everything.
51:10
Speaker 2: Exactly. I love this thing. Even though I can't say it,
51:13
but I love this thing. Because it's the truth, you
51:16
know what I mean? I do this over and over again.
51:20
It's been quite a ride, yeah?
51:23
Speaker 1: Yeah.
51:23
Speaker 2: From the day I walked in. Oh, I looked at my,
51:26
they showed me my picture of when I first got here. Wow.
51:31
I thought I looked like, I guess, holy crap. You
51:36
could eat soup with a whole something, my cheeks turned red.
51:40
That's crazy.
51:41
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's my favorite part is seeing people so sick
51:46
and then having all of a sudden being able to
51:52
have this light and this smile that, you know, they
51:57
make eye contact and they.
51:59
Speaker 2: hey, good.
51:59
Speaker 1: Morning, and, you know, how are you doing?
52:02
Speaker 2: Or I would never even, like, just keep my head down.
52:04
Elves are looking at me, go this way. I was
52:08
so resilient into everything, like, I regretted it. You know
52:14
what I mean? But then after a while, everybody, then
52:16
I came out of my shell. Then they didn't want
52:18
me to leave. Gotta go, man. My time is over. Like, yeah,
52:26
I got close to everybody, I guess. I don't know.
52:30
I've got a relationship with a lot of people at Heartview.
52:33
And they, yeah. Like I said, it's a family that
52:39
they grew and they definitely inherited a child.
52:43
Speaker 1: Yeah.
52:43
Speaker 2: That will be around for a long time.
52:45
Speaker 1: Good. Next step, we'll be pushing you to apply for
52:49
a job at Heartview.
52:50
Speaker 2: Oh, I got that.
52:52
Speaker 1: Sorry.
52:54
Speaker 2: Yeah. I was still looking to look into that. Yeah.
52:59
Short-term goals. We'll see what happens.
53:02
Speaker 1: Good. See?
53:03
Speaker 2: Definitely would love to do that.
53:06
Speaker 1: We would love to have you.
53:09
Speaker 2: Take these old... Put them in totals. Drag them to meetings.