Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1129 - Gentlemen, Your Presents Is Required

Transcript

#1129 - Gentlemen, Your Presents Is Required · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:04
  Speaker 1: It's their Happy Families podcast.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: wants answers.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Now, Oh my goodness. One month, one month until Christmas Day.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: The clock is ticking, The countdown is on. Kids are
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: starting to get that itchy. I don't want to be
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: at school anymore. It's getting hot. Things happening and everywhere
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: you go from a shop's point of view, the signs
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: are up, the decorations are out, Christmas countdown is on. Kylie,
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: you on at the top of the podcast today you
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: wanted to kick things off. There's something on your mind.
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: Well, you said that this is the most wonderful time
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: of the year. But I have a feeling that there
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: are going to be mums across the country. I'm going
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: to say across the world, right that wake up on
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: Christmas Day and feel a little bit discouraged and a
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: little bit despondent.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: It's this because the kids haven't made them breakfast in bed.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: This is where this is going. You're getting in a
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: month earlier and saying kids make brecky.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: Kids can definitely step up, but this is not actually
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: about the kids. I think that partners, husbands, dads.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: This is a dad bash this.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: No, it's not say that.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: Sorry, sounded like that's where you're going.
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: I came across an article the other day and it
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: really resonated with me, and I felt like this was
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: something we needed to talk about.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: Well, sorry, now I'm feeling targeted. We need to talk
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: about this. We need to decided that the podcast is
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: the right place to have this conversation with me.
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: Great, the title is not enough men are buying the
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: women in their lives Christmas present.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: Oh now I'm feeling a hang on a second, No,
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: I'm not feeling targeted. I okay, here's how it's been
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: in our home.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: I feel a justification coming on.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: When we first got married, I was extremely good. I
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: don't know what happened in the middle there, but a
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: few years ago I looked under the tree and saw
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: that all of the presents had been wrapped by you.
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: And then I realized that all the presents had been
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: purchased by you. I mean I hadn't bought anything I
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: and so maybe it was Christmas Eve and I went
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: down to the shops and I just I pulled out
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: the credit card and I thought, I'm spending. I'm just
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: and I bought everyone stuff, So there was genuinely there was.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: There was the Christmas presence that I was surprised to
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: see everybody open that were from you and I, And
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: then there were the Christmas presents that I bought everybody,
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: and I spoiled you as well. So I'm not quite
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: sure where this is coming from, because I've been doing
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: this for the last few years. I've been extraordin good.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: How long have we been married, I've been doing this
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: for a long time and I've been very, very good.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: I've been and I'm feeling targeted. Is this Is this
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: a hint for me? Or is this more of a
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: general This is a public service announcement.
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: This is a public service As a handful of years ago,
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: I did have a dummy spit because I have spent
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: the majority of our time together as a family organizing
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: all of the contents that go into Christmas stockings.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: I have a hypothesis. I have a hypothesis. Maybe I'm
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: not like most men, but I don't care about gifts.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: I'm not interested in gifts.
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: I think that you would be the same as as
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: a lot.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: So because gifts, because gifts aren't important to me. I'm
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: kind of the mindset that they mustn't be important to
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: anybody else either.
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: Okay, let me ask you this question. When you wake
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: up on Christmas morning, do you not feel the magic
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: in the room as the kids open their presence?
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: Oh? Yeah, I mean it's great fun, it's great. But
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: I'm not interested in opening any myself.
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: I understand that. But you recognize and see the joy
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: and the magic that's created from a thoughtful gift.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: Which is why for the last several years I have
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: been going and blowing the budget on Christmas, like literally
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: you have, and then.
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: I've had to pick up the pieces with the budget
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: at the other end.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: But that's a whole nother story. I really am in it.
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: I've been thinking about it in the early days. It
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: didn't actually bother me. We only obviously our family grew
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: one child at a time.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: And we were impoverished as well, like we had we
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: had such little money for such a long time, and I.
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: Worked out a really good way to fill the stocking
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: up very easily. Yes, one large which mango filled the toe,
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: and a bottle of ginger beer, which was a really
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: big treat for our kids at that stage of our marriage.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: Them normally no filled up the leg yeah.
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: Of it. So they got a few extra little treats
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: and maybe a squirty yogurt or something so that they
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: had something nutritious in.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: Them for practice. Because we would try to stay in
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: bed on Christmas morning, the kids would pull out their
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: mango and the ginger beer and the yo breakfast.
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: So in the early days it didn't really matter.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: That was the tradition.
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: But as the kids have gotten older, obviously teenagers, we're
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: talking makeup, skin care, hair products. Sometimes those stockings cost
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: more than the actual gifts that they get because you
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: can actually fit a lot of that stuff when you're
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: talking about makeup and skincare.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, in the stocking.
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, to fill it to overflowing.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: And what's also happened is as we've become a little
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: bit healthier as a family, that could have said not
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: that interested in ginger beer anymore. And so the mango
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: still fills the toe of the stocking, but got to
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: fill the whole stocking with all the other stuff. And
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: it's expensive, And because.
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: It is expensive, my stocking hasn't had very much in
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: it because it's an afterthought. For me, It's like, what
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: can I pull out of the cupboard that I haven't
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: used yet to stick in this stock.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: And now I know why this podcast is happening, because
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: even when I go on by gifts, it's just occurred
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: to me, as you've said this, I don't think i've
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: ever in twenty we're up to twenty six, twenty seven
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: years of marriage. Now, I don't think I've ever put
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: anything in your stocking in that many years. I bought
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: you really nice gifts, but you have a stocking on
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: Christmas Day every year, and I watch you open and
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: I think, oh, look at you spoiling yourself. Look at
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: all these nice things that you've bought for you. But
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: you're suggesting I'm getting kick in the pants, aren't I've
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: never put anything in yet.
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: Well, this wasn't actually about you and I, but I'm
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: grateful that there's some thought going on here for you.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: Do you know the other thing, though, as a dad
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: not interested in gifts for me full stop in a story,
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: just don't care. My ideal gift is fun and laughter
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: and hugs and tickles and playing in the pool or
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: playing at the beach or playing in the park, and
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: good food. And my ideal is a letter from the
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: kids saying hey, Dad, here's what I loved about this
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: year with you. Here are my highlights from the year
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: with you, or even better, a little mini Colson symposium
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: where the kids tell me these are the things that
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: I love you.
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: Don't have to wait to you on your death before
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: that happens.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: That's desperate for a symposium. I've been asking for it
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: for about five years.
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: So here's the thing. I don't think mums out there
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: in general are expecting lavish gifts for the most part.
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: That's not what we're saying.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: No, But I think what you are saying is it'd
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: be nice if we didn't have to buy our own gifts.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: It'd be nice to be thought of.
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: We just want to be thought of. And I would
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: hands down, absolutely full, head over heels for you all
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: over again if I got a beautiful letter that just
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: told me all the reasons why you still love me.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: Making a note right now to Kylie.
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: But again, you're not a stuff's person, so don't do stuff.
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, that's not how you share your love
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: with me.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: But I could write a letter or a card and
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: stick it in the stocking with all the stuff that
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: you've bought.
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: Yourself with a great big foucher to my days or
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: even a holiday. I could do a holiday right. So
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: what I'm saying is it doesn't have to be stuff.
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: I think that in general, we just want to know
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: that we're thought of, that we're not last minute, that
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: we haven't just been picked up from the local IgA
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: on Christmas Eve because we haven't got anything, or an
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: excuse the next morning we didn't get time.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: Is the half price chocolate, Tobla wrote from Aisle four
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: him Woolies, Happy Christmas.
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: But the reason this actually came to the forefront was
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: an article I was reading a teenager's revelation about Christmas
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: has revealed a depressing trend that only affects women during
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: the festive season, and that the post literally said, I
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: just learned it that my mother fills her own stocking
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: on Christmas Eve. I didn't believe that like Santa did
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: it or whatever people came up with, but I did
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: believe in my father. For the longest time, I thought
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: my dad could care enough to do that simple thing
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: for her. But he can't. She does it all on
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: her own. His post has gone viral and the messages
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: that are coming up is just the acknowledgment I've been
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: married for twenty six years. My husband's never brought me
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: a present.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: Oh no, that's not me, Okay, I'm talking about it.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: Sounds of how I'm feeling targeted again. So this is
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: a kick in the pants, but a kind hearted reminder
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: every dad, you've got one month, go and buy some
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: stuff for the stocking and be involved in the gift
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: giving so that you're not as surprised as the kids
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: when you discover what everyone's getting for Christmas. That's what
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: I'm really hearing. Yeah at the baseball Yeah.
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: Another post said that while their mum was always in
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: charge of filling everyone else's stockings in her family, hers
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: was always and I think for me again, like I said,
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: this isn't it's not about It's not about the stuff.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: But I remember in the early days, I absolutely loved
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: doing all that Christmas entailed. It wasn't until our children
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: started earning their own money and I started watching them
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: spend that money on everyone else but me. And again,
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: it's not about the stuff. It was the fact that
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: I was literally not even thought.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: Of, not on the list. All their friends are getting
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: a whole lot of stuff there. Yeah, so we need
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: to play this podcast for our kids when this is
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: an important one for them, because kids do tend to
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: overlook and take for granted their parents. Mind you, that
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: is the nature of our relationship, isn't it. I mean,
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: kids will never be able to repay us, and we
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: don't ask them to, but it is nice to be
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: thought of, especially one days like your birthday, on Mother's Day.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: A letter, just a letter. Yeah, I'm going to argue
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: that there are three other things that make a little
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: bit tricky, especially at this time of the year, and
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: especially after what we've been through over the last couple
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: of years. I think money, money, and budgets, and I'm
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: so glad that you've high lot of things like the latter.
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: I'm just going to put another thing, like my idea
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: of a symposium for me. I would love to sit
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: in the living room and just hear the kids stand
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: up and give it two minute presentation. They can use PowerPoint,
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: plug into the TV, the laptop or whatever, and say
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: here's the stuff that I learned this year, or here's
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: what I absorbed as being part of this family, Here's
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: how I've grown this year. To me, that's just a
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: marvelous gift to see the kids grow and share. That
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: another thing that is a bit of a challenge. Increasingly,
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: at least I'm seeing this in my extended family. There's
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: a willingness to give gifts back, like literally this willingness
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: to say, yeah, no, I don't really want that. Do
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: you want to just take it home with you again?
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: I don't even want to take it back to my house.
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: I've seen a couple of people's gifts get rejected in
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: that way. That's I would call that kind of Maybe
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: it's just my family, but maybe that's a bit harsh.
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: And the last one that I'm going to mention is
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: on top of the cost of living in the fact
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: that you could get it wrong and feel rejected. It's
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: just that sense of overwhelm, like there is so much materialism,
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: there is so much going on. I found it interesting
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: that Wolworths said, I know we're not going to do
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: Australia they paraphernalia anymore because it's bad for the environment,
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: but they're happy to do it for Halloween. I feel
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: like there's just misplaced priorities there. But regardless, there is
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: a lot of paraphernalia. There is a lot of junk,
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: there's a lot of wastage that goes on there, and
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: I know the lot of people are trying to be
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: much better with that sort of stuff, So probably worth
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: just highlighting that. I'm an ambassador for the giving machines.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: They've got them in Circular Key, and they've got them
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: in a bunch of places in Brisbane and Sydney. I
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: think they've got them in Melbourne as well. I can't
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: quite remember. These giving machines where you can donate, and
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: all the money that you donate through these giving machines
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: goes to Australian charities.
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: So it's like a vending machine and you just pick. Yeah,
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: you're like a six exactly, and a six gives a
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: goat to a family.
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: In well no, no, no, because it's all Australian, so
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: there's no goats. It's all literally Australian charities, and people
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: in Australian charities aren't handing out goats. But it's school supplies,
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: or it's supporting underprivileged families or in digit as families,
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: or it's supporting domestic violence survivors or anything like that.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: I think that's pretty cool stuff as well. You stick
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: that in a card and say hey, I know that
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: things are a bit tight and you don't really love stuff.
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: But as I was thinking about how much I love
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: you and how much I know that you love to
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: make a difference in the world, I thought this would
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: be something that I could put some money towards and
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: you could feel good knowing that I thought of you
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: as I did it. I don't know if that works
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: or not for some people, but to me that works.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: That's a nice idea as well. So they're the giving machines.
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: You can just google giving machines, and I think it's
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: like the world Like the World with a giving machine
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: is the name of the campaign.
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: I think another thing, if we're going to talk about
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: this and the whole idea of giving, I think that
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: mums across the world would love it if their significant
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: other sat down with them and said, how are we
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: going to work Christmas this year? The conversations you and
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: I have as we sit down and we talk about
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: each of the kids and their specific needs and wants,
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: it makes such a difference to me when you share
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: the cognitive load of making those decisions. That's a really
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: important thing. And I think that as you go through
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: that process, you might even suggest at that point that
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: you're wondering what's on your partner's wish.
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: List, like it might help. Yeah, it works works very
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: well for me. So the take home message dad's get
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: your butt into gear. Make sure that there's something that
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: you're sticking into someone's stocking. It will make people feel
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: better if they know that they've been thought of. That's
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: the whole idea of Christmas is it fouts you.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: To their favorite shop. It takes zero effort on your part.
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: But I can tell you right now that your wife
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: wakes up on Christmas Day and says that she can
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: go to Lorna Jane and buy whatever out that she wants,
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: I'd be pretty happy.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: She's just putting out their hashtag, notsponts, but I will
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: take that as a clue that that might be what
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: you want. We really hope that there's been some ideas
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: here that are going to help you to have a
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: merrier Christmas. Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed that you're able to
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: find a couple of bucks or find a couple of
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: hours to write out some important things and make a
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: difference Christmas. The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: roll On from Bridge Media. If you'd like more info
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: about making your family happier, you'll find it at happy
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: families dot com dot au