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What Grief Has Taught Me (So Far) · Off Track With Brooke

0:00
Hello, everyone, and welcome back to my podcast.
0:02
Don't Forget This. So today I'll be talking about a
0:07
very sensitive subject, to say the least, and I'll get into
0:12
kind of why that is actually later on.
0:17
But today, I really hope that you can listen to this and just
0:24
kind of feel less alone with what you're going through if
0:30
this subject kind of relates to you.
0:33
And yeah, this is going to be very difficult for me to me to
0:39
actually record. But I just, I just want to use
0:43
my kind of grief to help other people.
0:50
And hopefully, you know, you can relate to some things that I say
0:56
and. And yeah, just just feel less
1:00
alone in what you're going through.
1:02
So just for a bit of background, I sadly lost my cousin.
1:10
Well, I actually lost him just nearly a month ago now, but I
1:17
only found out on Monday because he was misidentified by the
1:23
police, basically. And then we all had this hope
1:26
that he's getting better in the hospital and stuff.
1:29
And then all of a sudden we were kind of told, actually, this
1:34
isn't your cousin that's in the hospital, this is somebody else,
1:38
and your cousin's actually passed away.
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So that just made the situation totally worse.
1:44
And it was already bad, but that just made it so much worse.
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So yeah, it's been quite difficult, but I just wanted to
1:58
firstly talk about how I've actually felt in this past week.
2:07
And I don't know the kind of things that have been going
2:11
through my head. And the first big one is, Oh my
2:18
God, my heart rate is actually going at like 1,000,000 miles an
2:20
hour right now. The first one is actually waking
2:26
up and forgetting that this is actually how life is now.
2:36
Like it is all and, and I only found out on Monday, it's now
2:44
Sunday. And I mean, the thoughts that
2:48
have been going through my head are absolutely unexplainable.
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But the first big one I'd say is when you first wake up and that
3:00
split second, you just forget You, you, you forget about it.
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Because when you first wake up, you, you don't remember.
3:06
And then the realisation then of like, it all hits you and you're
3:10
just like, yeah, not going to swear, but yeah, like this is
3:19
this is my life now. And he's not here anymore.
3:27
And it, it's just a hard one and an upsetting one for you to get
3:36
your head around the fact that they're actually gone and
3:44
there's, there's nothing you can do about it.
3:47
There's no, there's no way that you can bring them back.
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That has been a very tough pill for me to swallow.
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And I feel like everyone can probably relate to that in their
4:05
own way. And on the topic of sleeping or
4:09
just waking up, you just, you just want to sleep forever.
4:15
Or I suppose I have anyway. I just, I don't know.
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I just because when you sleep, you just forget about
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everything. You just yeah, you do.
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And don't get me wrong, these past few nights I have had some
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dreams, which, yeah. But that's because I've been
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thinking about him so much. And that's even with anything,
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like when you think about anything too much, they suddenly
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or a person or a thing or a situation starts turning up in
4:55
your dreams and you're like, what the hell is going on?
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But yeah, you just or I have, I've just wanted to sleep
5:04
forever. The next one is the brain fog.
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And like you just, I don't know, you just don't feel real,
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especially like the first few days.
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I, I don't know, I just didn't even, well, I still don't, but
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it was definitely worse the first few days.
5:27
Like, you know, when you just feel like you're living in a
5:31
dream, like you actually just don't even feel like that.
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You're on the earth right now. It's got a word for it.
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I can't remember what the word is.
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D Do you like realise it or do you personally?
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So potentially, you know what I'm trying to say, like, I don't
5:52
know, my Apple Pencil just confined.
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You just feel like you're living in third person, like you're
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actually just outside of your own body because you just
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actually cannot even like, process the fact that this has
6:14
just happened. And.
6:16
Yeah. And the one thing, the hardest
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thing to get your head around is there's nothing you can do about
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it. That is.
6:25
Yeah. That is genuinely making me
6:28
clench my fists when I say that. But yeah, like the brain fog,
6:34
the the constant zoning out, the constant like just, yeah, just
6:41
not being able to focus at all. Like I normally zone out a lot
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anyway. I just, I don't know, I just
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always, just always zoning out all the time.
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But these past this past week, I, I just yeah, constant zoning
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out. And the next one is like as
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well. Your body just feels really weak
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and just really like, I don't know, I just feel like I can't,
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I can't even move properly. I can't even like, I don't know,
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I just feel like Jelly genuinely.
7:19
I just, yeah, feel like if someone pushed me with one
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finger, then I'd just fall over. And yeah, I just, I just haven't
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been able to function. And I feel like a lot of people
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may agree with that. Like, you just.
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Yeah, you just feel like you're living in third person and
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you're just like, I don't know, just feels like your life isn't
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a movie because you actually just can't come to terms with
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what's just happened. And then the next thing is
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actually being flooded with messages.
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And first of all, I just want to say like, it's lovely, you know,
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knowing that there's people that actually have taken a second or
8:14
a few seconds out of the day to just message you and just ask if
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you're right. Like you'll never forget those
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people. Then people that look out for
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you when you need it the most. You don't forget them people.
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But also it's, it can actually be overwhelming sometimes when
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you actually do get flooded with messages and you're just kind of
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like, Oh my God. But I feel really bad if like I
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don't reply to them and you know, like, Oh, I'm such a bad
8:51
person because I'm just not replying and I just, I'm just
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being really ignorant. But no, if, if you're in that
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situation, because don't get me wrong, I there was quite a lot
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of messages and there's quite a lot of comments that I still
9:09
haven't replied to. But if you're getting flooded
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with messages about a certain situation or whatever, do not or
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I do not feel obliged to actually have to reply to their
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messages because under no circumstances should.
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Is there any sort of law to say that you need to be replying to
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them because you take as much time as you possibly need until
9:44
you reply to them. If you never reply to them, then
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a good friend will appreciate the fact that you're probably
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going through it right now, so you're not going to reply
10:00
straight away or anything. So yeah, a good person would
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realise that actually you're not being selfish for not replying,
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you're just really going through it right now.
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Another thing that's been really difficult is the fear of
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forgetting about them or the fear that that they're just
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they'll just slip your mind and that's been it's just a sad
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thing to think about like what if what if like in 10 years like
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it and it will it will because even one year from right now
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will this physic physically is that the right word physically
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her the same as what it does right now?
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No, no, it won't. And that's the same for any
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situation really. But you actually get through
11:27
things and progress may seem slow.
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But then if you compared say, like, I don't know, say if it
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happened a year ago and you compared a year ago to now, it
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won't necessarily hurt as much then as what it does now.
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And yeah, but the, but the point, my point is the fear of
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actually just forgetting because I have been very well, I've
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thought about a lot of things in the past six days, but one of
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them has been what if this just becomes like, yeah, what if I,
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what if I do just forget? But actually, although you feel
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guilty for forgetting, it's actually showing that you're
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healing from the situation. And actually this person is
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always going to hold a special place in in your heart in your
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life. And deep down you'll never
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forget. But never feel guilty for
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forgetting. The next one is hearing certain
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songs or smelling a certain smell or just the memories that
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just hit you like a tonne of bricks or just like thinking
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about a situation. So I was thinking earlier, what
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was I thinking about? I don't know.
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I was thinking about something and then I just remembered my
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cousin being there and I was like, Oh my God.
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And what you've got to think is you've got to remember the
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happy. You've got to remember the good
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times that you spent with this certain person, because that's
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what they'd want you to remember.
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They wouldn't want you to sit there and be upset for it.
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The rest of you. They they'd want you to remember
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the good things, the things that made you laugh, the things that
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made you smile, the things that the things that you admired
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about them, the the great things.
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One of them is my cousin used to be a really, really, really like
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the songs Belter and Canter. And I don't think I'll ever
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listen to them songs the same again now, because every single
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time one of them songs would get played, he would.
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Yeah, he absolutely loved them. Songs by Jerry Cinnamon.
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Yeah. And it, it's hard.
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It's it's hard, isn't it? Like when when it just hits you,
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that's the worst ones. When it when, when it does just
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kind of like all of a sudden it, it, you just remember and you're
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like, Oh my God. Like, why?
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Like, not right now. Brain, please stop.
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But you've just got to remember you.
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You need to remember the good things because like I said,
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that's that's what the person would want you to remember.
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They'd want you to remember the good things.
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They'd want you to remember the fun, the laugh, the giggles,
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like the and just the good. They wouldn't want you to be sad
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about it forever. And I can definitely say that I
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mean, God, I've got memories with me and my cousin that go
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back bloody long time since we were, since we were very little.
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And, and he'd want, he'd want me to remember the good times just
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like any other person. And it is very upsetting that we
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can't make any more memories. And that is one of the hardest
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things to even get my head around.
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But just remember the good times, the laughs, the jokes and
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the moments that you really cherish and are really grateful
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for. Because I feel like that you
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kind of forget sometimes how precious life actually is.
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And just like I have seen myself, life can be gone in a
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blink of an eye, which is why you just need to do every and,
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and like I said in my previous episode, don't stress yourself
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out about stuff and don't like what I need to do this, this,
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this, this is right now. Like I need to do all of it,
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like slow down. But if there's something you're
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not doing because you're too nervous to do it, do it because
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life is too short. You never guaranteed tomorrow,
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but do it at a pace and not don't overwhelm yourself of
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stuff because that's where the problems occur.
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But life is way too short to be if you, if you were laid on your
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deathbed right now, you'd want to have done that thing and
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you'd regret it. For example, on Monday night.
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Well, actually I was at, I was in London when, when I found out
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I was in London getting a root canal on Monday.
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So I didn't really have time to like process all this
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information that I just got because it, yeah, I didn't have
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time to process all this information I got.
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I've just been told. So when I actually got home, I,
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I, I just, I don't know, it just felt like my brain exploded and
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I just, I just fell onto my bed. I didn't even fall.
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I collapsed and I just was hit with so many emotions at once.
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I made myself so unwell. And it's just one of them things
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like I was, I was throwing up and I was just like, I just wish
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I just never took for granted those days that those days that
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I was in good health because that's how you get when you're
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real. It's even like anything like
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when you're unwell, you always just think, Oh my God, should
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it? I should have cherished at that
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time when I felt fine or like, I don't know, you injure something
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or whatever. Like I have a very bad knee.
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I cherish them times where that knee was good and I could bloody
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do that. I don't even know.
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You say it Rasputin friggin dance on Just Dance because I
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definitely couldn't do that now. And and it's just one of them
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things You just you just take for granted the little things
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and you shouldn't because life is never guaranteed.
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Saying that, saying the things that I've actually felt.
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Now I want to go on to the things which have actually
19:32
helped me. Also, I'm really surprised at
19:36
how well I've been able to talk because when I first I did about
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10 introduction videos like hello everyone and welcome back
19:44
to my podcast. Don't forget this.
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I did actually, I think I did about 15 and I was like, I can't
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do it. Like I just couldn't even get my
19:52
words out. But I've started chatting now
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and I can't bloody stop. But to the things which have
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been helping me or kind of the mindset that I've put myself in,
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if that makes sense. So the first thing.
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Is let yourself feel it, let yourself feel all the emotions
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because you're going to feel happy, you're going to feel sad,
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you're going to feel angry, you're going to feel lost,
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you're going to feel, you're going to feel everything.
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And you know what as well, I've actually been sometimes guilty
20:35
that I feel happy. And that's kind of a
20:38
controversial one. But like when I'm in too much of
20:43
a good mood, I think I can't be happy.
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This is what's just happened. I should be sad, but I am sad.
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But it's like I'm punishing myself for being happy when
21:00
actually you shouldn't because that's a good sign.
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But you're going to feel all the emotions, all right?
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You're going to feel everything. So don't force yourself to
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actually like, yeah, I'm fine now.
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I'm fine. Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
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Do not force yourself just to say after like 2 weeks, don't,
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don't sit there and think, Oh well, I should should have moved
21:35
on by now. No, absolutely not.
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Don't ever sit there and think, why am I not over this yet?
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I should be over this by now and I'm not because that's not your
21:49
fault. That's not your problem that
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you're not over it yet. This is, this is all going on
21:55
inside your head. You can't control that.
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Each person in the world has a different life, and if bloody
22:06
the imaging from down the road is moving on quicker than you,
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then that person's got a different life to you.
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So so be it. Because you're going to take as
22:18
long as you're going to take to get over something.
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So don't ever sit there and think, I should be over this by
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now. And I'm not.
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And that's not right. Because you're going to take as
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long as it's going to take you. And one day you, you will.
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And it'll always sit in the back of your mind.
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But one day you'll just feel better.
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And it just does click. And you think, you know what?
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This doesn't affect me as much as what it did about 5 months
22:56
ago or two months ago or one month ago.
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So never, never force yourself to just be over it because like
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I said, you're going to take as long as you need and you need to
23:13
feel all the emotions. The next one is just for
23:23
example, I have had absolutely no appetite this past week, none
23:31
at all. I just, I don't know it's not
23:36
even that I just don't even want anything.
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I just don't fancy it. And if you're the same, just
23:44
make sure you're eating like your cereal, your toast, just
23:47
your, like your foods that are just going to keep you going and
23:52
not, not a bloody bowl of fruit or a cereal bar or something,
24:01
because they're the most important ones.
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Because yeah, I, I have had apps so they know appetite at all.
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I just, I don't know, it's just been weird.
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I just just not hungry. I just don't feel, I don't know,
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I just don't feel. I either feel too much or
24:24
nothing at all, so just take time for yourself to actually,
24:35
if you think I haven't really had an appetite today and I
24:39
actually haven't really had much to eat or much to drink, just go
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and get yourself a glass of water.
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Go and get yourself a slice of toast and just have it.
24:51
You might not even fancy it, but you haven't eaten anything since
24:55
bloody 11:00 that morning or I haven't had a drink since last
25:00
night. But you know in your head that
25:06
you need to. So don't force yourself, but
25:11
kind of force yourself. Even though you don't really
25:15
fancy it, you know that it's it's better the next one is and
25:24
this is don't don't really. Well, I'm no professional as I'm
25:31
going to highlight. I don't have a qualification in
25:36
this type of stuff. But what I am is, I'd say quite
25:44
mentally aware, mature, I suppose, if anyone would agree.
25:54
So I don't know, this is just like my personal experience.
25:58
And yeah, I just hope people like can relate and just don't
26:02
feel alone. I don't have a qualification,
26:07
but the next thing that is kind of helped, which is definitely
26:17
just at the back end of this week of, oh, I did it on Monday,
26:22
started looking at loads of photos and yeah, I just, you
26:28
don't even want to know that. And lots of tears, lots of,
26:33
yeah, lots of throwing up, lots of sadness, as it is perfectly
26:42
normal to do that, could I just say.
26:47
But when you actually feel ready, you can, you can look
26:52
through photos. You can, you can frame a
26:54
picture. You can just them small little
27:00
things that actually remind you of that person.
27:06
Hang the picture up on you all, put a frame out.
27:10
My lock screen is a photo of me and my cousin.
27:14
It's just them little things that you just kind of look at
27:19
and within time you won't look at and cry anymore.
27:24
You'll look at and smile. You'll remember the good and
27:30
straight away, no, you're not going to be able to look at that
27:32
and smile. You'll actually do the complete
27:34
opposite and just start bawling your eyes out because yeah,
27:40
that's happened a few times. But just do them little things
27:45
that actually remind you of that person because it's it's nice
27:51
and it's just just makes you smile.
27:58
And then cannot stress this one enough.
28:03
If you are feeling something and you're feeling it a lot like
28:11
sadness about this particular topic, for example, talk to
28:20
someone, talk about it, write about it, listen about it, which
28:27
is what you're doing right now. Just express it in some sort of
28:36
way. And that's with any type of
28:40
sadness because keeping it up there, keeping it in your head,
28:46
it's not doing anything for you other than stressing you out,
28:52
making you more upset, making you overwhelmed.
28:56
And ultimately you just feel like you have too much on your
28:59
plate and you were just on breaking point when you've got
29:06
it all stored up in your head. Not a good.
29:12
I mean it may work for some people, but in my personal non
29:20
professional opinion, no. No, the best thing you can do is
29:30
talk to your friend, talk to your family member, talk to me,
29:35
talk to someone you trust, someone you love about what's
29:41
going on. And first of all, if they don't
29:45
care or don't listen, then that's not your friend.
29:49
So if if you're talking about something that is deeply
29:55
meaningful to you and they're not listening, then first of
29:58
all, that's not, it's not a good friend, but your good friends or
30:05
your good family members will listen to you.
30:10
And if they won't listen to you and you have nobody in your
30:14
life, don't know why I just said nobody.
30:16
So weird. Nobody in your life that will
30:20
listen to you. They message me because I will
30:24
listen because I care. But speak to someone that you
30:32
care about because the best thing you could do is talk about
30:37
your emotion or write about it. It's another thing I do because
30:42
for some reason, when I'm like feeling a lot of emotion, I can
30:47
write about it really well. But write it, read it, listen to
30:56
it, say it. Just get it out of your brain.
31:01
It might feel a bit difficult at first, especially if you're not
31:04
really used to it, but once the conversation's flowing and once
31:08
you start getting a bit of it out, you actually feels really
31:12
good. You should try it because it's
31:15
just the best like refreshing feeling that when like you're
31:18
feeling sad about something just just letting go.
31:22
It just it just feels like you're letting go.
31:26
You literally enter a flow state.
31:28
I do. Anyway, another thing which I
31:32
would say it's a big one. Do not ever feel guilty for
31:40
being upset. Don't ever feel guilty for
31:43
sleeping an extra few hours lying in on a bloody Saturday or
31:49
a Sunday line in for an extra 2 hours.
31:51
Oh, I'm so lazy. I'm so there's no, you're not
31:55
You're actually going through it right now and that's the way
31:58
that your body's coping with it. So just listen to your body
32:01
because you need that rest. You need, you need that time to
32:08
yourself. You're not going to be able to
32:10
function as how you function before because you've just been
32:14
told some news that has just completely broken you and you
32:17
have no idea what to do with yourself.
32:20
So don't feel guilty for sleep in the extra few hours.
32:24
Don't feel guilty for crying. Don't feel guilty for just doing
32:28
nothing because that is totally OK because you have just been
32:37
told news or something's just happened and your life has just
32:41
changed forever. Your life hasn't just changed
32:45
for two weeks. It's changed forever.
32:51
And that is a difficult pill to swallow.
32:58
But actually, and I'm I'm speaking very confidently about
33:04
that right now, but it's it's actually just coming to terms
33:10
with what's happened and just Oh my God, I just, I don't know, I
33:15
sound like I can speak, but I so well right now, but I'm so going
33:18
to start balling my eyes out after.
33:23
But the more you come to terms with what's actually happened
33:30
instead, and I must admit, I do scroll past the Facebook things,
33:35
but that's just because of the horrible comments of people
33:37
leaving. But actually just letting
33:42
yourself come to terms with a situation instead of trying to
33:48
avoid it, trying to push it away all the time.
33:52
No, no, no, this, this isn't real.
33:55
Oh, but it but it is real. And you've got to let yourself,
34:03
you've got to let your body, your mind come to terms with
34:07
what's just happened. But if you're not ready to do
34:11
that yet, then that's fine. That's totally fine.
34:16
Because you're not going to find out some news that, like I said,
34:20
has just changed your life. And then five hours later, you
34:22
need to come to terms with it right now.
34:24
No, no, but at some point don't. Don't try push it away forever
34:33
because it will just haunt you. The best thing to do is come to
34:42
terms with what's happened and then grow from that.
34:48
I sound really giddy right now, but I am actually going to come
34:54
off of this and be upset. But it's fine because I need to
35:01
be upset and I'll cry about it as many times as I'm going to
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cry about it until I can't cry about it anymore.
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So that's totally fine. And I advise people to do that
35:17
because you will, you, you, you'll be upset about it until
35:21
you aren't upset about it anymore.
35:23
It will. It will sit in the back of your
35:24
head forever, but it won't hurt the same always as what it does
35:32
now or what it did do in the past.
35:36
I really hope that I've covered not everything.
35:42
I won't have covered covered everything, but I don't know.
35:46
I really hope that some people don't feel as alone or I don't
35:53
know, just realised that they maybe have.
35:59
Maybe you have been thinking you should be over it by now and not
36:06
actually giving yourself the time to heal.
36:09
Maybe you've been pushing it to the side like a bad disease or
36:14
something. But actually it's real life and
36:19
like I said earlier, life is precious.
36:23
Spend time with the people you love because you never know when
36:30
their last breathing second is going to be.
36:33
Make time for yourself because tomorrow you could wake up and
36:43
life could be different. Just be grateful for every
36:47
single moment because for example, if you were told or if
36:54
no, if I was told, for example, the on that day, my cousin was
37:01
going to have that accident and he wouldn't be with me anymore.
37:10
I would have spent from that day that I found out, if I found out
37:17
that that was going to happen to him, I had a magic crystal ball
37:22
and I found out that that's what was going to happen to him.
37:26
I would have spent every breathing second by his side and
37:34
you never know if that's going to happen to your loved 1.
37:38
So always be kind. Just be grateful for every
37:49
moment you have, especially with the people you love because you
37:55
never know when it's going to be the last.
37:57
I hope some of you just don't feel as alone anymore or just
38:06
feel like you've been able to relate.
38:10
So gosh, I'm getting more emotional again.
38:18
I'm getting that like weird tingling feeling in my arm.
38:20
I keep getting that in my arms and legs, but they just go
38:24
really weak because I just, I don't know, it's just
38:27
frustrating. Like I just can't believe this
38:31
has happened. But like I said, in a year, is
38:36
it going to is it going to hurt as much as it hurts?
38:39
Oh no. But I always love that person.
38:44
You always love that person. And they will hold, like my
38:50
cousin will hold a special part in my heart that rhymed but
38:57
forever. But I just want to thank you.
39:02
If you've got this far, then I can only assume that you've
39:09
related to anything I've said in this audio.
39:16
So I really hope that I've made you feel a little bit better.
39:21
And yeah, so thank you so much for listening and I hope you
39:28
have the most amazing day or night, whatever time it is for
39:34
you, and cherish every single moment.
39:39
And if you feel like you don't have anyone to talk to and
39:43
nobody cares, then message me because I care and I'll try to
39:48
reply as quick as I can care about all of you.
39:55
So yeah, thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you in
40:01
my next podcast episode.