Latest / Rachel Oates / TikTok's "BoyMoms" Need To Stop

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TikTok's "BoyMoms" Need To Stop · Rachel Oates

0:10
I'm like, I want to make out with you.
0:12
I want to marry you, eat you for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
0:15
Or I wouldn't be that mom, that toxic boy mom.
0:19
He hits his sisters. He punches them.
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I'm like, maybe he's having a hard day.
0:28
Maybe at the altar, baby tiny boyfriend gig.
0:31
My mom's We've got to step up. We've got to realise that we are
0:34
the problem. Hey everyone, and welcome back
0:36
to a new video. My name is Rachel, and this
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little beauty is Kyra. You may hear her snuffling and
0:40
grumbling throughout the video because that's just what she
0:43
does. It's who she is, and I wouldn't
0:45
change her for the world, would I?
0:46
Bebs? No, no one would be in Hi.
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Today I'm going to be talking about a topic that I have wanted
0:54
to talk about for a while but just never got around to it for
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reasons. And that is toxic boy mums and
1:01
how proud they are of their entirely inappropriate
1:05
behaviour. Now there's a hell of a lot of
1:07
videos bragging about being a toxic boy mum over on TikTok and
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Instagram and websites like that.
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And today I have downloaded a few of them and we're going to
1:15
watch them together, talk about them.
1:17
And I'm going to tell you a little bit about my own
1:20
experience of dating a boy with a very bad boy, dating a man
1:24
with a very toxic mum. And, and I'm also going to be
1:28
referencing a couple of books on the subject that talk about why
1:32
some mothers and other parents act this way, become this way,
1:36
what effects that has on the child, both short and long term.
1:40
And also at the end, we're kind of going to touch a little bit
1:44
on this healing process from it, but that's more of something
1:47
that I'm just going to give you some resources for and point you
1:49
in that direction if you need it.
1:51
Now this claim is out the way. First, of course, obviously not
1:54
all mothers to boys are boy mums in this sense, but the kind of
1:58
parent we're talking about is one who who kind of idolises
2:00
having a male child over a female one.
2:03
There's often a lot of internalised misogyny rooted in
2:05
putting down girls all the time and calling female children
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things like sneaky, manipulative, too emotional, too
2:11
much hard work and so on. And then of course, there's the
2:15
possessiveness that these mothers have over their sons.
2:18
Hi, gorgeous. Oh, stealing the baby, stealing
2:22
the baby hi, hi. There's a lot of stuff about how
2:29
these mothers are their son's first loves.
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There's a lot of content that puts down any women that their
2:38
son is currently dating or may date in the future.
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And there's a lot of competitiveness with both
2:44
current and future romantic partners.
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And it often borders on creepy emotional incest where the
2:50
mothers see their sons more like partners than their children.
2:53
And often these mothers will get mad if their children don't
2:56
reciprocate those feelings. If a toxic boy mum has daughters
2:59
too, you might see the mother pitting the boys or boy against
3:02
the girl, or girls obviously showing favouritism, treating
3:05
the boy differently or better, letting the boy get away with
3:07
inappropriate behaviour that she wouldn't allow the girls to do.
3:11
And this can cause a lot of problems between siblings, a lot
3:13
of rivalry, a lot of difficulties in their
3:17
relationship and forming a bond and so on.
3:20
All of this, of course, can lead to major emotional trauma for
3:23
the boy as he grows up and becomes a man.
3:26
This can include things like codependency issues.
3:28
He may struggle having romantic relationships with women.
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He might learn toxic misogynistic behaviour and think
3:34
that it's OK to mistreat women because his mother let him get
3:36
away with it so much as a child. And it can cause long term
3:39
problems, like I say, between siblings.
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And there's, there's a lot. We'll go into more detail later
3:43
in this video. Don't worry.
3:45
Now this is not to say that this kind of dysfunctional
3:47
relationship is limited to strictly mothers and sons.
3:50
We also this we often also see the same with fathers and
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daughters and even parents with the same gender children.
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If you've ever seen a parent saying something like, oh, we're
3:58
more like best friends than mother and daughter.
4:01
That's the kind of thing that I mean when it comes to fathers
4:04
and daughters and the whole kind of like girl dads, daddy's
4:08
little Princess sort of thing. And we often see fathers being
4:12
overprotective and in some ways sexualizing their daughters far
4:16
too young with statements about how he'll need to fight off boys
4:19
or she can't wear certain clothing that might be too
4:21
revealing. Even though this is like, you
4:23
know, a toddler or a five year old or you know someone really
4:26
young, It's seeing these children as sexual beings far
4:31
too early. And there is a hell of a lot to
4:34
say about those kinds of relationships.
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But I'm going to start in this video today with the mother
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someone because I just find it fascinating.
4:40
It's one of the most common, but it's also the one that is just
4:43
excused the most, especially these days and a lot of short
4:47
form content online. These mothers seem proud of
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their behaviour. In a lot of cases, they kind of
4:51
realise that what they're doing is toxic and unhealthy, but
4:54
they're not sorry for it. They make no efforts to stop.
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They don't really care about the damage they're doing.
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A lot of times people don't see the damage that these mothers
5:02
are causing and they make a lot of excuses for like, Oh well,
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it's just a mummy's boy, what are you going to do?
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And that's why I think it's some real.
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And that's why I think it's really important to notice these
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patterns and trends and behaviours and talk about it and
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kind of call them out and talk about what we can do to make
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these situations better. So let's look at a few videos
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and talk about it. Let's start off relatively tame.
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This is the least offensive video of the bunch.
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So he'll be his first kiss, his first love, his first friend.
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You are his mom, and he is your whole world.
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He's your little boy and OK, if this was just about being there
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for your kid, being their first support, their first friend,
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building up that relationship of love and trust between a parent
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and child, I would get it. But where it gets me is the
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whole you'll be his first kiss and his first love thing.
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While it might, I guess, kind of technically maybe be true, it's
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really important to understand the difference between a
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romantic relationship and familial love.
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And there are different behaviours that are appropriate
6:12
in each of those kinds of love and relationship.
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And it's important to maintain boundaries.
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And when you start blurring that line and acting like a parent
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child relationship, it's the same as a romantic relationship
6:24
or that familial love is the same and expressed the same way
6:28
as romantic love, that's where you start to have problems.
6:33
There's nothing wrong with a parent kissing their child, but
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when you start comparing those kisses to the kisses they'll
6:40
have later on in their life in a romantic relationship, that's a
6:44
little bit problematic. You cannot, or rather should
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not, compare a parent kissing their child to show love with a
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kid growing up and having their first romantic kiss or
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experiencing their first romantic love.
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It's not appropriate. When you start to blur those
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boundaries between familial and romantic love in that way, you
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start to err into the territory of emotional incest, which is a
7:05
loaded term, but it's a very, very appropriate one, and it's
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one I'm going to be talking about in more detail in just a
7:13
few minutes. Actually this woman isn't so bad
7:15
though compared to a lot of them.
7:17
There are so many women online who act like the worst thing
7:20
their son can do is grow up and have a romantic relationship
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with someone else who isn't them.
7:24
Again, blurring those boundaries between familial love and
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romantic love in a way that is entirely inappropriate.
7:30
There are literally women out there who talk about their sons
7:32
getting partners. And when that happens, it's like
7:36
the son is breaking up with them.
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It's really messed up. Here's a screenshot of a video
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that I found on Reddit which expresses exactly that.
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It says when you raise three boys for 28 years, then they
7:47
break up with you. And then of course, there's a
7:49
woman who express a lot of jealousy towards future
7:51
girlfriends. And The thing is, like, it's bad
7:54
enough when you're an adult woman dating a man whose mother
7:56
is like this. I have stories about that to
7:58
tell you later on in this video. But it's a whole other thing to
8:01
see these mothers bragging that they're going to be like this
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years before they even actually have to deal with it.
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So these are like sons who are children or in some cases still
8:10
babies. And the mother's like, oh, I'm
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gonna hate his girlfriend when he gets 1.
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So these mothers are really like, as early as possible, as
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young as possible, implanting these ideas in their heads that
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that they should somehow feel guilty if they had ever have a
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romantic relationship and that as their mothers, if they do,
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she's going to be angry and jealous.
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And they're to blame for that. These women are literally just
8:31
setting their kids up to have dysfunctional relationships with
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other people and playing it off. It's like, oh, it's just this
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cute little joke. When it's not, you're damaging
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your children. Take a look at this next video
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where this woman's son is 2 weeks old.
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Two weeks old and she thinks it's appropriate to cry online
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about the fact that he's going to get married and move out one
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day. Next up, this woman is posting
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the same video with her two sons, draping herself on them
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like a girlfriend would, calling them the love of her life and
8:59
acting angry and possessive about the fact she'll one day
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have to and I quote, share them with a female.
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There is so much to unpack for such short videos like one,
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these two kids are old enough that they are going to see these
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videos. They're going to know what
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content you're making and asking them to partaking in the message
9:16
behind it. And they're going to internalise
9:17
this whole thing. They're going to get these
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terrible feelings of like guilt. If they ever have partner,
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they're going to. It's going to mess them up, is
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what I'm saying. They're old enough that this is
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going to mess them up long term. Two, look at the difference in
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language between how this woman speaks about men and women.
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My baby boy and another female. Like it's covertly misogynistic.
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It's dehumanising to the woman in question.
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It's not OK. Three, I always wonder about
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these mothers. Do they never consider the fact
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that maybe their kids are going to be gay?
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Maybe they'll like men. Would they be less intimidated
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if you brought home a man than if they brought home a woman?
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I don't know. Or what if their kids just
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aren't interested in romantic relationships at all?
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That is absolutely a thing. Although actually maybe they
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prefer that. And four, and this is the main
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point. Sorry, but even if he does bring
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home a woman at some point, you are not sharing him.
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You're not another partner of his, you're his mother and they
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are very different roles in a person's life.
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He is not your boyfriend, he is your son.
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You are not his girlfriend or partner.
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You are his mother. You do not have a romantic
10:25
relationship with him. So if he starts a romantic
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relationship with someone else, you are not sharing him.
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That's not how it works. And in this video, I can't play
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the audio, but it's a mother lip syncing the words of a song to
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her sons like she's doing it in front of them.
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They can hear the song. They know the lyrics she's
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saying. But she's beautiful.
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She looks kind. She probably gives you
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butterflies. I hope you're happy, but not
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like how you were with me. I'm selfish.
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I know I can't let you go. So find someone great, but don't
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find no one better. So this is Olivia Rodrigo's song
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Happier, which is about, like, not being over a breakup, right?
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And it's like, OK. And the lyrics are basically
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like, OK, yeah, you're moving on, but I've not.
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And I don't believe you're ever going to find anyone better than
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me. And I don't want you to be
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happier with someone else than you were with me.
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Right? Fine.
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Whatever. I think we've all had those
11:15
kinds of petty feelings after a bad breakup and can relate to it
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while still recognised now, unhealthy it is.
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And so on. It's a breakup song about the
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hard part after a relationship ends, Right?
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Fine. OK.
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So why is a mother singing it to her sons?
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Why? This is literally a mother
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saying to her very young and very impressionable children, I
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don't want you to have a life without me.
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I don't want you to be happy or fulfilled without me.
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I'm in direct competition with your future romantic partners
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and I feel like I'm better. No one's ever going to be as
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good as me. Like, that is such a damn
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unhealthy thing to tell your young children.
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It's unreal, right? Here's another screenshot from a
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woman dancing with her two teenage sons, implying that
12:00
she'll fight their girlfriends when they get them.
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And in the caption, she says. And this is so over the top and
12:05
over dramatic. It's I can't cope with this.
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Please tell me this isn't true. Mama Bros.
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They will love me forever, right?
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I'll always be their first girlfriend, right?
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I'm not ready for her. Real talk, ladies.
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They aren't dating until 30. And then there was all this like
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stuff in the comments of women being like, oh, I'm the same.
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I'm exactly the same. Yeah, I agree.
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Me too. One woman was like, my son's 14
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and trying to date. I've rejected 2 so far.
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They will never be good enough. It's so damn messed up.
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Way back in 1991, a woman named Doctor Patricia Love, great
12:41
name, wrote a book called The Emotional Incest Syndrome.
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What to do when a Parent's love Rules your life.
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And basically it's about how to identify what emotional incest
12:49
is and how to heal from any age. If you were a child who to deal
12:53
with that from a parent, it's obviously quite an old book now.
12:55
However, so much of what we see in this book and reading this
12:58
book is still very relevant today.
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And if anything, the behaviours in this book are not only the
13:04
same as what we see today, but today they're even more overt.
13:07
They're even more in our faces. They're even more obvious.
13:09
A lot of the stories she tells of patients in this book that
13:12
she actually worked with, in those cases, the parents weren't
13:16
really aware of what they were doing.
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But today it feels like a lot of these mothers are not only aware
13:20
of their behaviour, but see it as something to brag about and
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refuse to do anything about the damage that they're causing
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their children. There's another book I'm going
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to be looking at in this video too called Silently Seduced when
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Parents Make Their Children Partners, and that was written
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by Kenneth M Adams in 2011. Kenneth calls this whole problem
13:38
that I'm talking about in this video covert incest, and he
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describes it as covert incest occurs when a child becomes the
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object of the parents affection, love, passion and preoccupation.
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The parent, motivated by loneliness and emptiness created
13:51
by a chronically troubled marriage or relationship, makes
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the child a surrogate partner. The boundary between caring love
13:57
and incestuous love is crossed when the relationship with the
14:00
child exists to meet the needs of the parent rather than those
14:04
of the child. So he calls his covert incest.
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However, Patricia uses the term emotional incest.
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Both mean the same thing, basically.
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And and Patricia admits that this is a loaded term,
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especially just the word incest. People are like, oh God, let's
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you know, it's a serious thing. Let's not call it that, but it
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is a serious thing. She feels that while emotional
14:23
incest may be a loaded term, it is relevant and appropriate to
14:26
use. To put it simply, it means that
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the parent and child are too closely enmeshed in her words,
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and that this enmeshment can take a number of forms.
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She writes that she and others use the term emotional incest
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because just as children are powerless against a parent's
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sexual advances, they are powerless against an emotionally
14:44
invasive parent. Their sense of self is so
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limited and their need to be connected to their parent is so
14:49
great that adults have total control over the relationship.
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When a parent takes advantage of this power and turns to a son or
14:56
daughter for need fulfilment, there's a violation of the
14:59
intimacy taboo between parent and child.
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She talks about how there's many different kinds of emotional
15:05
incest, but one of them she describes as a romanticising
15:09
parent. And this is exactly what we've
15:11
seen a lot of those clips that we just watched and a lot of the
15:13
ones we have coming up. So she writes that a
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romanticising parent is a parent who turns to a child of the
15:18
opposite sex for the intimacy and companionship one would
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normally expect to find in a loving relationship.
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In essence, the child becomes a surrogate spouse.
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Often the parent adores the child.
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Typically, there's a flirtatious, teasing quality to
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the relationship, which is what we've just watched.
15:35
However, some of these women take it even further, as we'll
15:38
see in this next set of clips. Oh, young love, I remember that
15:42
feeling. My first boy, that's his.
15:45
Mom. Well, that's not his.
15:47
Girlfriend. That's his mom.
15:49
What? So here we see these mothers not
16:01
just trying to take on the emotional role of a girlfriend,
16:04
but in these cases, to at least some extent, the physical role
16:07
of a girlfriend too. Jumping into his arms,
16:10
straddling his waist, slow dancing with him to a romantic
16:13
song like in the latter video, even going as far as to
16:16
physically remove his actual girlfriend from the situation
16:20
and sideline her so that she can be the one to romantic danced
16:23
with him. And then of course there's a
16:25
whole element of bragging about it online.
16:27
Wild. These situations are not just
16:30
parents being proud of their kids or feeling close to their
16:32
kids. It's not just a mother hugging a
16:35
son. It's not just a mother dancing
16:36
with her son. It's the whole context around
16:39
them that makes him entirely inappropriate.
16:41
The caption here of showing up to my son's girlfriend's
16:43
birthday party to pick him up and he ended up slow dancing
16:46
with me. Like this isn't just a cute
16:48
parent child dance, This is a woman deliberately crossing
16:52
boundaries to put the new girlfriend, who she sees as
16:54
competition in her place. OK, I'm just back from walking
16:58
the little beast, so apologies if I'm a little bit windswept.
17:02
Right. Where were we?
17:04
So Doctor Patricia in her book she points out that in these
17:08
cases, and I quote, the parent is turning to the child for
17:11
intimacy, companionship, romantic stimulation, advice,
17:14
problem solving, ego fulfilment and or emotional release.
17:19
The child is not equipped to handle these needs and suffers
17:22
long lasting consequences as a result.
17:25
And also the parent is ignoring many of the child's needs.
17:28
When a parent turns to a child for emotional support, the child
17:31
is rarely given adequate protection, nurturing, guidance,
17:33
structure, affection, affirmation or discipline.
17:37
And we see this displayed a health lot in the next video
17:39
where a woman talks about how she never saw healthy mother son
17:42
dynamics as a kid. So now with her own son, she has
17:46
feelings of literally wanting and I quote to make out with him
17:50
and she's like talking to the Caribbean.
17:51
Like I don't know if this is normal or not.
17:54
Obviously it's not, but here we are.
17:58
I. Had brothers growing up so I
18:00
never got to like really see a mother son dynamic very close
18:04
up. So now things that I'm
18:07
experiencing, I'm like, I want to make out with you, I want to
18:10
marry you, eat you for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
18:12
I'm like, is that normal? So when I saw that DM come in I
18:16
was like, OK, maybe I'm crazy. No, I actually I knew I wasn't.
18:19
But you sometimes forget that there's other people that are
18:23
very like minded. And so to see your thousands of
18:28
DMS come in, you guys are like me, be at the altar baby tiny
18:32
boyfriend gig. I'm like, these are my girls.
18:35
So just nice to know that you guys are there and we're all the
18:38
same page anyway. It's just so funny.
18:42
No, it's all in good fun, but tiny boyfriend club forever.
18:46
I'm the president, baby. Sexual feelings towards your
18:49
child, or any child for that matter, where you want to
18:51
literally make out with them are not normal and not healthy and
18:55
something that you should be addressing.
18:57
Here's another odd example for you too, and this was one I
19:00
found on Reddit. This is a screenshot of a 45
19:02
year old woman's dating profile, where the very first photograph
19:06
is an image of her kissing her maybe 10 or 11 year old son on
19:10
the lips. Not like a little Peck, but like
19:13
proper full on kiss on the lips. And this is the very first thing
19:17
that she wants people to see representing her.
19:19
This is what she wants to put out in the world saying this is
19:23
me. This is what I'm all about.
19:24
Her bio on her date nap reads. I have a little boy that is all
19:28
boy. He takes protecting his Mama
19:30
very seriously by hunting dot dot dot and if it and it was cut
19:34
off there ominously. So the big thing that I want to
19:37
focus on here is just how much responsibility she's putting on
19:41
this very young child. She's clearly a single woman if
19:44
she's on a date, you know, right.
19:46
So instead of relying on herself or a partner to take care of her
19:49
and protect her, she's putting all of that responsibility on
19:52
her young son. And that is going to put so much
19:54
pressure on him. She is with the whole like
19:57
kissing and that he's protecting me thing while she is putting
20:01
him in the role of like a surrogate partner, right?
20:04
She shouldn't and that is going to have problems with him long
20:07
term. Both Patricia and Kenneth write
20:09
about this respectively in their books.
20:11
Patricia. Patricia says of her own
20:13
experiences with clients. Part of my clients confusion
20:16
could be traced to the fact that many of their fundamental needs
20:19
had been ignored. Their parents need for intimacy
20:22
and companionship had taken precedence over their need for
20:25
nurturing and independence. While my clients may have
20:28
delighted in all the parental attention, on a deeper level
20:31
they felt exposed and confined. They didn't feel free to be who
20:34
they were or develop at their own pace.
20:36
They felt manipulated and controlled.
20:39
Meanwhile, Kenneth writes, the child feels used and trapped.
20:42
These the same feelings over incest victims experience,
20:46
attempts at play, autonomy and friendship rendered the child
20:49
guilt ridden and lonely, never able to feel OK about his or her
20:53
needs. Over time, the child becomes
20:56
preoccupied with the parents needs and feels protective and
20:58
concerned. A psychological marriage between
21:01
parent and child results. The child becomes the parents
21:05
surrogate spouse. And that's what we're seeing in
21:07
these posts. And I genuinely worry for these
21:10
children. And The thing is like, it's not
21:12
just these children that suffer or like, you know, when they're
21:15
kids and when they're adults, it's not just them.
21:17
It's if they have future partners, their future partners
21:20
suffer too. When I was with my ex Dan and we
21:23
lived together for like 4 years or whatever and we were very
21:26
very serious and and his mum was a nightmare the entire time.
21:33
And we're talking like she would cry down the phone and guilt
21:36
trip him if he didn't pick up his phone call straight away.
21:39
She would blame me because he didn't want to talk to her all
21:42
the time. She would pass it aggressively,
21:44
constantly compare me to his, his ex and say how like, oh,
21:48
wasn't she's so pretty, Wasn't she's so beautiful, you know,
21:51
obviously implying that I wasn't, but the ex was and it
21:55
was to make me insecure and jealous.
21:56
And, you know, she was pitting US against each other because
21:59
she felt in competition with me. You know, once she took me to
22:04
her house against my will to show me the shrine she had to a
22:08
predatory cult leader who had sexually assaulted a 15 year old
22:11
girl that she had in her attic. The shrine was in her attic.
22:16
He wasn't, but that's a whole other story.
22:19
I've actually got a video about it if you want to see.
22:21
She was a mother-in-law from hell and she would constantly
22:24
brag about how she would constantly get mistaken for his
22:27
girlfriends if they went out to a bar together or something like
22:30
that. And the, well, not.
22:32
One of the worst things that happened though was the
22:34
Christmas I spent with his family where it was Christmas
22:36
Eve and me and him were like snuggle up by the fire.
22:39
We had a couple of glasses of Prosecco.
22:41
We're having a lovely time, very romantic, and his mom comes in
22:46
basically like shoves me to the side and gets him to lay down on
22:49
the floor so that she can literally straddle him and give
22:53
him a full body massage, including like his bum and
22:56
everywhere. And I was like, OK, so I'm
23:00
feeling like a third wheel here. And then on Christmas Day
23:03
itself, his sister had some friends over and they were
23:07
literally doing nothing but like, sitting at the kitchen
23:09
table watching mumble rap videos on their laptop.
23:15
And I was like, is this? Is this all anyone's gonna do?
23:18
And I was honestly really, really bored because I was just
23:20
like, sat there in silence, like, I have nothing to add to
23:25
this. Occasionally I'd be like, don't
23:28
you think he's hot? And I was like, no, about some
23:31
man who had like 3 teeth and face tattoos.
23:35
And I was like, it's not really my kind of thing, sorry.
23:38
And, and so I just didn't have anything to add.
23:41
And, like, I didn't want to express my actual opinions
23:43
because that would be rude. So I was just sat there in
23:46
silence and I was like, hey, Dan, do you want to, like, go
23:48
play a board game or something? He's like, yeah, absolutely.
23:51
And then that's when his mum started hysterically crying and
23:55
saying that I was taking her son away from her and I was an awful
23:57
person. And it caused a massive
23:59
argument. And he ended up having to lay in
24:02
bed with her while she cried about how awful I was.
24:05
Meanwhile I was left alone, crying in another room on the
24:07
phone for my sister because I was just like what the hell just
24:09
happened? It was so messed up.
24:13
It was really, really all because I asked him to play a
24:15
board game. That's not even scratching the
24:19
surface of how bad he was. Absolute nightmare.
24:22
But safe to say she was one of many reasons why I end up
24:25
breaking up with him and I was just like I cannot live with
24:29
this woman for the rest of my life.
24:30
He's not worst dealing with her especially because he didn't
24:34
know how to put any boundaries in place between them and when
24:37
he did she will always crossing them and do their words.
24:40
You know what I'm trying to say, I have no idea what he's doing
24:42
now but if he has another partner I genuinely feel sorry
24:46
for them because God knows what they're having to deal with.
24:49
Anyway, I tell you this because like I say, it's not just the
24:52
kids when they grow up who have to deal with this stuff, but
24:54
it's their partners and potential partners too.
24:56
And I'm not the only one with a story like this.
24:59
Listen to this other one that I found on TikTok.
25:02
We've all dated that one guy whose mother was quite literally
25:06
obsessed with them, right? This isn't like a, this isn't
25:08
just like a me thing. This is like an all of us thing,
25:10
right? Because I have done this.
25:12
And let me just say, this is one of the worst experiences of my
25:16
entire life. Actually.
25:19
I dated this guy years ago, Right?
25:21
And his mommy just loved him to death.
25:26
And when I say loved like a parent, she loved their kid.
25:28
Yeah, but like, to the point to the extent that they could
25:33
never, the mom could never accept me as a girlfriend ever.
25:37
She just did not like me no matter what I did.
25:39
She just didn't like me at all. And there was nothing I could do
25:41
to change that. And she would actively tell me
25:44
how much she liked his ex-girlfriend.
25:48
And I don't even know why but she would actively come into
25:51
like his room. We'd be sitting there like
25:52
watching TV right? And she was like, I just really
25:54
liked so and so and she was so sweet and well, I'm like, bitch,
26:00
have you met me? So anyway, I hope that she is
26:03
able to marry her son like she's so desperately wants to.
26:07
And I just hope that that wedding is beautiful and
26:09
incestuous and just Oh yes, girl, incestuous wedding with
26:13
your son. Slay.
26:15
I just would love to get a wedding invite for that.
26:19
And again, more examples. Here's a story from Patricia's
26:23
book, Frightening. Rita told a story about the
26:26
first night she stayed over with her boyfriend, a quintessential
26:29
mama's boy. She was awakened by a phone call
26:31
at 6:00 in the morning. Her boyfriend answered the
26:34
phone. It was his mother demanding to
26:36
talk to her. Somehow his mother had found out
26:39
that she'd stayed the night. Her boyfriend handed her the
26:41
receiver. I'm Lenore.
26:43
In tone. The mother has soon as Rita said
26:44
hello. Are you having an affair with my
26:47
son? Sorry, just noticed that word
26:49
there. Affair.
26:50
It's not an affair. He's not cheating.
26:52
You're not his part. She's in a relationship with
26:56
your son, She's not having an affair with him.
26:58
Oh, that alone is enough for me. The accusatory tone of the
27:03
mother's voice sent chills up her spine.
27:05
Rita had no idea how to respond and hung up the phone in
27:07
confusion. Because wouldn't we?
27:09
All right? Her instinct was to run out of
27:11
the apartment and never see her boyfriend again.
27:13
I sensed that getting involved with him would bring me nothing
27:15
but trouble. Later, she realised that she
27:17
should have trusted her instincts because her
27:19
mother-in-law dominated her husband's life.
27:21
She monitored his climb up the corporate ladder.
27:23
She bought his underwear. She kept track of his income.
27:26
She washed his health like a hawk.
27:27
What surprised Rita was that her husband allowed all this.
27:30
He acted more like a 12 year old boy than a grown man severely
27:34
enmeshed with his mother. He'd never managed to break
27:36
away. He allowed her the same control
27:38
over his life that she'd exercised when he was a small
27:40
boy. But Tricia goes on to write that
27:43
unless these children set strict boundaries with their parents
27:45
and this will go on forever, even if they end up getting
27:48
married and should supposedly have their own lives, they never
27:51
really do. She writes.
27:53
It's not uncommon for the invasive parent to dictate how
27:56
newly read should how newlywed should run their household, to
27:59
frequent, to require frequent phone calls or visits, to
28:03
encourage financial ties between families, to insist that the
28:06
couple live nearby, ideally in the same house, and to dictate
28:09
the terms of all family gatherings.
28:11
These demands are a clear violation of the autonomy of the
28:13
younger couple. And it's not just creepy
28:16
flirtation and romantic intentions.
28:18
These kinds of mothers tend to favour male children over female
28:22
ones, which often leads to other children feeling isolated, they
28:26
don't have a strong connection with their siblings, they can
28:28
feel like they're always blamed for problems or that they're
28:31
unfairly punished. The the chosen child in this
28:35
case usually like the boy with the mums and that sort of thing.
28:37
And so the the the favoured ones will often get away with
28:41
behaviour that others can't. And amongst young boys, this is
28:44
particularly problematic because it can lead to them growing up
28:46
to be extremely misogynistic, violent or thinking that they
28:49
can get away with inappropriate behaviour, especially towards
28:52
women. Look at these examples of a
28:55
mother instilling these poor values in their sons.
29:00
Yeah, there was not want to come out then.
29:14
Also, can we please talk about how awful it must be for this
29:17
daughter, for her mum to come to her and be like, hey kiddo, will
29:21
you come be in this video about how you're not my favourite
29:23
child and I punish you more harshly than your siblings just
29:26
so mummy can make money off your neglect?
29:27
Please. That poor kid in this video that
29:32
I want to show you here, I'm having to cut the sound because
29:34
copyrighted music. But basically she's mouthing the
29:37
words to just someone saying no, no, no, no, no way.
29:41
I don't think so, pal. As the caption reads, when I
29:44
hear my husband putting the favourite child in time out.
29:47
So again, picking favourites, pitting the kids against each
29:50
other and in this case, also pitting the son against the
29:52
father, because when you have these kinds of, you know,
29:56
mother, son overprotective, overly enmeshed bond, it
30:01
isolates the father from the son and the mother from the
30:04
daughters as well. Here is just one last example
30:07
for you. And I want you to listen to this
30:08
and immediately know how she's like I love all my kids but and
30:12
then immediately pits the boys against the girls and makes the
30:15
girls feel lesser because she favours the boys.
30:17
I never thought that I would be that toxic boy mom.
30:20
I love my 4 kids equally, but that last little boy just.
30:26
It's different and. Now I feel like I'm having this
30:28
existential crisis or I wouldn't be that mom, that toxic boy mom.
30:34
He hits his sisters. He punches them.
30:37
I'm like, maybe he's having a hard day.
30:39
So when I think about my daughter's getting married, I
30:41
get excited, right? About their dresses.
30:45
Planning their weddings. When I think about my son's
30:47
wedding, I want to cry away. Moms, we've got to step up.
30:53
We've got to realise that we are the problem.
30:55
So. Then she talks about how she
30:56
excuses and minimises literally his violent behaviour instead of
31:01
stopping it and teaching him healthy outlets for emotions.
31:04
This is the kind of kid who will grow up thinking violence
31:07
against women is OK or excusable because hey, you had a bad day,
31:11
right? As his mom constantly tells him
31:14
when he's violent towards women. And then finally it comes back
31:17
to the whole I don't want him to get married creepy thing that we
31:19
started with. And it's all so damn unhealthy.
31:22
At least at the end of the video she's starting to realise that
31:25
she is the problem here. But as far as I can tell from
31:28
her other content, she hasn't done anything about it.
31:30
So yay. So to summarise, in case I
31:36
haven't made it clear enough, the long term consequences of
31:39
this kind of behaviour from boy mums can include guilt and
31:43
confusion over personal needs, feelings of inadequacy,
31:46
struggling to maintain long term relationships and difficulty
31:49
with commitment, sexual sexual dysfunction, loneliness and
31:54
exclusion from peers, extreme fluctuations in self esteem,
31:57
depression and anxiety. However, all is not lost.
32:01
Kenneth writes in his book that if you're a man and find
32:04
yourself identifying with covert incest victims, it would be good
32:07
to keep in mind that the intent here is not to blame your
32:09
mother, but to hold her accountable.
32:12
To continue to deny the damage the relationship has caused will
32:15
keep you trapped in the struggle to find commitment, to find
32:18
contentment with yourself and your partner.
32:21
Emotional maturity cannot be realised until the covert incest
32:24
survivors emancipate themselves. 1 cannot be an adult man or
32:28
woman and simultaneously hold on to mummy or daddy.
32:32
He then offers some practical bits, advice for how you can
32:35
help heal from this and move on, including things like you need
32:38
to let go of your idealised image of the seductive parent,
32:41
acknowledge your anger towards the seductive parent.
32:44
If you're stuck to parent is alive, begin to set boundaries
32:46
and separate from them. Deal with your feelings towards
32:49
the same sex parent, learn to manage guilt feelings and so on.
32:53
Of course these are easier said than done, but his book offers
32:56
some practical advice and tips for how to do these things if
33:00
you want to check it out for yourself.
33:02
Otherwise, a great thing to do is go see a therapist.
33:05
They can really really help you work through this stuff and I
33:08
cannot recommend therapy enough. I've had it for my own issues.
33:11
I continue to see my therapist occasionally and I will always
33:14
encourage others to go as well because I just think it makes
33:16
your life better. But if you do want to check out
33:18
either of the two books I've mentioned, I will leave them
33:20
linked down in the video description.
33:22
And they're also affiliate links.
33:24
So if you click on them or buy anything via those links, it
33:27
just helps support me and my channel and gives me a little
33:29
few pence extra here and there, which is very nice.
33:32
Overall though, the point of this video was that I feel like
33:35
as a society, it's important to keep talking about and calling
33:37
out harmful behaviour when we see it.
33:39
And I hope videos like this can be educational and helpful and
33:43
offer you a little bit of hope and advice and guidance where
33:46
possible. Other than that, I just hope
33:48
you've been thoroughly entertained today and thank you
33:50
so much for watching. If you're new here, it would be
33:53
wonderful if you want to subscribe and stick around.
33:56
And I make new videos all the time.
33:57
My next one that I've got coming out is a review of Marina, who
34:01
used to be of Marina the Diamonds and her poetry book.
34:03
People have been asking the fact that ages and I finally made it
34:06
so. Oh, I'm just about to film it
34:08
now. So yeah, look out for that and
34:11
turn on notifications if you want to be there ready waiting
34:16
when that video comes out. I talk about all kinds of
34:18
issues, books, poetry, feminist stuff, kind of and and mostly
34:24
just whatever interests me at the time.
34:26
Isn't that right, baby? There.
34:28
Hi, good girl. It'd be great to have you.
34:30
If you want to follow me on Instagram, you can.
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It's at Rachel Oates with a zero and seven O.
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And over there I post pictures of my beautiful dog Kyra, a lot
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proud of that. So.
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And without my Patreon supporters, I wouldn't be able
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to keep making content like this.
35:06
So thank you all so much, everyone who's already supported
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me over there, and thank you to anyone who might be considering
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it. But for now, yeah, thank you for
35:13
watching. I hope you all have a wonderful,
35:15
wonderful rest of your day and I'll see you again soon.
35:17
Bye.