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Curiosity Over Shame: How Your Self-Talk Shapes Your Growth · Candid Coach Conversations

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  Have you ever wondered what the impact is on how you speak to yourself?
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  I'm Kimberly Boyd, founder of Live Life Fully,
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  and welcome to Candid Coach Conversations.
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  Today I have with me Guadalupe and Tiffanie Hi,
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  ladies!
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  Hello.
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  Hello.
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  So I asked y'all to join me today because I'm wondering like what is
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  the impact of how we speak to ourselves?
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  And I know Guadalupe you've got a whole community about get out of your own way.
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  And I'm I'm guessing, I don't know.
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  I'm actually assuming, so I'll take that back.
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  if it's related, like how we talk to ourselves,
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  how does it impact us? I'd love to hear from both of you.
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  I ~
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  When I think about this, I like to think about both ways.
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  When you hear that voice in the back of your head,
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  when something happens, it is either going to be encouraging or it's gonna have some
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  shame to it. And when we think about take a moment to pause and think about what's
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  a question in my that I'm asking myself.
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  Is it why did I do this?
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  Why did I know better than this?
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  Those kinds of questions that's shame.
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  And that's keeping you stuck, and it's not encouraging you to go forward.
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  And then there's that way of talking with yourself of being curious:
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  okay, this is what happened.
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  How can I make this better? What can I do?
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  Who can I ask for help? And that's more of that:
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  hey, I'm grabbing your hand and we're walking forward.
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  I love how you've made this distinction that using the word why comes from
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  a place of shame, like why did I do that or why didn't I do this?
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  Whatever. And how getting curious opens the door.
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  I love that you've made that distinction.
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  I think that is so incredibly true and so important.
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  Yes. Tiffany, what about you?
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  I think that I I think I have a a little bit I I think about
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  it little bit differently, right?
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  Because I want to talk to myself the way I talk to others.
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  And I think that's something I try to remember often.
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  with the people around me. I know that I like to encourage them.
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  And I want them I try to be their their cheerleader in a lot of ways,
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  and I want them to win because when other people win,
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  I win. And
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  So I like to look at it, it's not just about positivity,
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  right? But how do we how do we get curious about what someone's doing versus
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  how do I have curiosity about what I'm doing,
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  right? Getting curious about how I'm thinking and and how I wanna pursue things.
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  So yeah, I like to look at the way we talk to ourselves,
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  not simply about positivity or I mean I I think to you,
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  ~ Guaralupe, I like this idea of like
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  w how you're interacting with other people.
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  but yeah, I it's kind of like do unto others as you'd want done to yourself.
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  Right. And that's how I look at I don't want to talk to myself any different than
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  I would talk to somebody else.
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  A good point. You know, I tell people all the time when I'm talking with parents,
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  I'll say, you know, I'm wondering what it would be like if you talked
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  to your friends the way you talk to your children.
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  I wonder what those relationships would be like.
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  And so many times I've heard, well,
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  I wouldn't have any friends. I'm like,
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  okay. And so then to take that even a step further,
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  like you two are saying, which I think is so beautiful,
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  is if we talk to other people the way sometimes we talk to ourselves.
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  What would those relationships be like?
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  And they'd probably not be very fun if we did that.
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  So yeah, gosh, I'll bring up such good points.
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  So I do also, Guadalupe, you and I have worked together for a long time
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  and I'm curious because I know you've worked very hard
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  in changing how you speak to yourself.
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  And so if you don't mind, I'd love for you to share.
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  your personal experience with this.
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  So one of the things that has been a big moment for me was one day we were
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  in the coaching, our coaching meeting,
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  and that was after the tornado had hit our house and everything.
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  So feeling very disorganized and going back to kind of slipping into wanting things
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  to be perfect and setting these expectations for myself.
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  Okay, can we pause for a second,
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  y'all? I mean, the magnitude here.
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  She says when the tornado went by and she was feeling disorganized,
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  y'all, her fent her house was destroyed.
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  She had picket, fence pickets through her walls,
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  through her kitchen. Had she not gotten up off the couch,
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  had her she not said, Okay, I can't even think of your dog's name at the moment.
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  Yes.
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  Say what?
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  We gotta go. Had she not gotten up and gone into the utility room with her dog,
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  a picket fence would have gone through her head.
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  So when she talks about disorganized,
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  that might be an understatement.
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  Okay, back to you.
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  And I was putting all this pressure on myself of okay,
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  how come I can't complete the things that I usually am able to do in the time that
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  I can usually do them.
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  And it was actually Kimberly that told me,
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  okay, what is that self-talk looking like?
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  Is that and she put it in a perspective where it did touch me more because
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  she said when a parent is yelling at their kid or you're being yelled at
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  by a parent or an authority figure,
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  what happens? Like you shut down.
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  And then it's the other way when they're encouraging you or trying
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  to understand you and helping you forward,
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  then you're
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  Mm-hmm.
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  more willing to ask for that help.
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  You're more willing to step forward.
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  And so that stayed with me in that sense of okay,
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  when I'm going through situations,
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  can I be my friend?
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  And I feel that difference too.
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  When I am shaming myself, I want to be small as possible
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  and quiet and be safe, even though that's not aligned with what
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  my dreams are. And I think a lot of that was how a lot of things were.
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  Growing up, it was a lot of like,
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  hey, do what you're supposed to do and be safe.
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  And like that's that safety. And then when I got into coaching,
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  starting to step out a little bit,
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  that's when I'm like, okay, this discomfort doesn't mean to stop.
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  Like there's there's more experiences after this discomfort.
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  And it's uncomfortable until it's not.
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  And so I think these experiences that I've gained through coaching
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  and allowing myself to have a voice is kind of ignited more
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  and more and also wanting more people to feel this as well.
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  I first of all thank you so much for sharing and I absolutely love love love
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  the question. I wrote it down.
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  Can I be my friend? What in the world?
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  What a powerful question. I love it.
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  Thank you for sharing. ~ my gosh.
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  Other thing that stood out to me or ~ go ahead.
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  I would like to ask a question
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  to you actually, Guaralupe, is whenever you were experiencing all these things,
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  how did you quiet all the external chaos in order to have that kind
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  of that moment to ask yourself that question or that realization of
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  how am I speaking to myself? Like how are you able to quiet all that noise?
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  So I do think I have a skill. And I think a lot of that was that safety part
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  of chaos going on to where there could be a lot going on.
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  And in my head, sometimes there's a lot going on,
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  and other times I'm able to like shut it off.
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  And so when it would come to that,
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  it's like, okay, we're in a moment where need some help here.
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  And I think that's
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  where it's more helpful for me to get out of my head with pen and paper
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  and that is usually what it comes to is being able to write things
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  out and that's where some of those questions come from.
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  Because it's easier to be able to answer and prop like process things when they're
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  right in front of you than up here.
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  Right, 'cause you can't even see when they're up there.
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  No matter how far you
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  Yeah.
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  roll your eyes, you can't see all of it clearly.
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  Yeah.
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  Yeah. The other thing I love is about this comfortable,
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  you know, that even though it's uncomfortable doesn't mean that's it.
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  Like there's more to it than that and there's life beyond the discomfort.
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  And I love that so much. I think comfortable is easy until it's
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  not. because I do think comfortable eventually when we live a comfortable,
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  comfortable, comfortable, comfortable.
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  comfort zone life, eventually we're gonna feel like we're tied up and that
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  we our options are limited. And so again,
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  going back to the whole reason I named the company Live Life Fully is because
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  I do want people to be comfortable and to grow and to have that those little shifts
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  or maybe big shifts and perspectives so that they can truly live life more fully.
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  So I love that you brought up the comfortable piece,
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  'cause yep, it is. Until it's not.
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  Yeah. So Tiffany
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  Think that's really poignant
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  though, because whenever you say comfortable and you get used to the comfort,
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  right? And then it's it gets so hard to then be motivated to change,
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  but it almost becomes a rut, right?
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  And we always attribute ruts as being a bad thing.
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  But the thing is, is that there's also some comfort and recognizable
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  or familiarity with being in that rut,
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  right? ~ I'm I'm safe on this path.
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  and I think that kind of
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  ~ ton of 'cause I could also equate it to being in a rut,
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  right? ~ yeah.
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  And then you at least
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  you know what to expect.
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  And it'll keep you stuck like quicksand.
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  Yeah.
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  I do think that's where intentions come in.
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  Intentions and the reflection of things.
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  One thing I've learned within coaching has been you learn a lot of systems,
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  things that work for you. What works for you,
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  what doesn't work for you. Because I think as you're learning about so much things,
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  it's very easy to be like, okay,
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  I'm gonna place this in my life right here for it to fit.
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  and then you're trying to force it and then you're mad at yourself because
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  it doesn't work out.
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  Ha ha ha
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  And being
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  able to say, okay, based on what my schedule is like,
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  where my energy is at during the day,
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  what can I do to help manage? So one thing I've liked to say is I
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  can create a system that helps me maintain my energy.
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  Maintain how do I want to feel at the end of the day.
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  Yeah, so good. So talk to us more about the intention piece.
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  So is it setting the intention,
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  asking yourself and then setting the intention,
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  or tell us what you mean by that.
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  Yeah, so one of the biggest things has been what do I want
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  the outcome to be? How do I wanna feel?
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  And I think because before coaching for me,
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  if I wasn't so feely with things and I've been able
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  to feel like new emotions,
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  more joy through coaching. And so now when I'm able to set that intention,
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  how do I want to feel at the end of the day?
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  If I want to feel joy at the end of the day,
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  then that's gonna me be me putting something at the end of the day
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  for me to activate that joy as well versus
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  that difference of living life and existing and I think
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  Love.
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  it activates that for you of okay this is how I want it to be how can
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  I influence it so that I can experience that.
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  Then to add on to the rut part for the intention,
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  what came to mind was, okay, I know that I can get comfortable with things,
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  so I want to set an intention for at the end of the month to get
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  on a call and talk about these were the things that worked well for me.
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  And so you've got that reflection piece to keep going forward.
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  What were things that you want to keep because it served you,
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  and what are some things that you
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  I love that. And maybe even stop doing.
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  I know for me, yeah, I I notice what I want to change or do differently
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  and then some things I'm like I don't even want to do that anymore.
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  Like I tried, not for me, pivoting out.
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  Yeah. Tiffany, I noticed as Guadalupe was talking that ~ you were smiling
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  and nodding and so I'm wondering if anything came up for you.
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  And if so, I'd love to hear.
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  Yes. ~ one of the things I was considering is the desire,
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  right? The desire to want to get out of that comfort zone.
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  Right. There you know
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  Hmm. Wait.
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  sometimes people are like, I'm finally safe.
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  I'm finally in a comfortable place in life.
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  I don't want to do anything to jeopardize this.
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  And that's where the coaching language comes in and says
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  What more can we achieve? Are we talking to ourselves like this is it?
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  Like this is all life has to give is just healing?
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  Like that's it. ~ when in in fact we can grow,
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  we c we can motivate ourselves to want more and that's okay.
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  Right. It comes back to giving yourself permission to want more and setting
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  up your intentions, right? But I come back to somebody has to want that,
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  right? You have to want to get out of that rut.
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  And it comes back to
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  How are we talking to ourselves?
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  Right? What what are what narrative are we speaking into existence where
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  we're unable to achieve greatness because whatever self-belief that we have,
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  when in fact there isn't your only limit is your imagination.
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  so yeah, that's what I was thinking about when you were talking about wanting things
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  to happen or like setting intentions,
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  and I kept thinking like.
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  And you have to want that.
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  Yeah, it's so fascinating.
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  because even in coaching, so we talk about the rut,
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  and probably even for me too, if I think back to when I first started working with
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  a coach, there were ruts that I didn't even know existed.
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  And so then when I gained clarity and was able to identify ruts,
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  and it could be a rut in career,
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  it could be a rut a rut at home,
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  it could be a rut with friends,
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  it could be a rut in how you want to dress,
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  I don't know, in the food you want to eat,
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  your health, like whatever. There's all these different parts of our lives.
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  And truly I've seen it happen.
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  And again, if I were to really sit down and think about when I first started working
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  with coach.
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  There were ruts that I didn't know.
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  There's ruts that people didn't even know.
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  And so they didn't know they wanted to get out of it until perhaps they were talking
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  about this area of their life and gained clarity and then it became
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  it like boom shine the light on the rut.
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  And then they were like, Whoa,
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  this is actually where I want change.
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  Or this is actually the goal that I want to go after.
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  I'm wondering if there's also healing in the movement forward,
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  right? Discovering, ~ I'm in these ruts.
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  There's healing in that. So healing doesn't have to be simply therapy
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  and going back, right? Healing is also in
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  the ability to believe I can do more.
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  Right?
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  I totally
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  agree with you. And I do think that's a difference.
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  I you know, so many times I've heard,
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  well, I don't know if I even need a coach.
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  Like I tried therapy, it didn't work.
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  Okay. And I've also heard this whole thing of for healing they need
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  to do therapy first and then they can hire a coach.
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  And I'm like, I disagree.
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  Yes, I believe in therapy and I don't think it's the prerequisite to getting
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  a coach or advancing your life in a new or different direction.
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  I definitely think there's healing that comes from coaching because and
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  I think that if I without taking time to think about it,
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  but I think it does come from a place of realization of what's possible.
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  It goes back to, I believe, to that permission piece and to gaining clarity,
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  regardless of where we came from,
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  regardless of what all has happened to us.
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  Like I can decide right here today that I want my life to be different.
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  And in order to do that, or I want my life.
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  I hear it all the time. I just want my life to be better.
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  I just want my life, I just want to be happier.
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  Great. We have to identify like what is that even gonna look like?
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  So that future casting piece, and then where's the gap?
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  And how do we fill that gap? And notice this gap is not about going back.
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  It's about getting there.
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  So I think you bring up a very good point,
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  Tiffany.
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  What what came up for me was seeing coaching more of a shift.
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  So when working with clients,
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  and I think about the way that clients see themselves at first,
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  there could be limiting beliefs that are there.
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  And in coaching, we're not necessarily going to dive in of where did that come from?
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  Where did it start? It's gonna be okay.
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  These are the limiting beliefs and we're gonna go to point of references.
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  Like what are things that you have done to activate other beliefs?
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  If the limiting beliefs are going to be replaced,
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  what is that reframing?
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  And so as they're practicing that reframing within their own lives,
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  they I've had a client come back where she's like,
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  whoa, like I took a moment,
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  I practiced this and I caught myself saying all these limiting beliefs.
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  I'm not enough. And then she's like,
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  I brought out my phone, had it in my notes,
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  and I was telling my new beliefs to myself.
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  And she is like, and I took care of the situation differently.
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  And so that shift that happened,
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  it was that shift of perspective as well for her of I can show up this way.
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  I am capable.
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  Yeah, so good.
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  What is necessary? Right? Is it necessary to bury the skeletons and
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  to to heal from the past in order to achieve success in the future?
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  And I don't think you have to.
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  it's almost like goal attaining.
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  and I I can I and I can almost visualize how this shift with work is to say,
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  this thing is keeping me back and it doesn't have to.
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  I can actually change and shift to a different perspective from a negative
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  to a positive, right? I can explore challenges and say,
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  I'm being challenged from these life things and I can still do these other hard
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  things and I and it's okay. And is it really even that hard?
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  Because it's gonna pass anyways,
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  right? So 'cause when you get past the hard things,
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  then you're like, Well that was easier than I thought,
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  or it must not have been that hard.
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  I survived it.
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  I guess it's about the point of references or like how do you measure,
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  right? how do you measure these difficulties and conversations?
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  So yeah, I l something about the point of reference really kind
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  of shifted my mindset for me. because it it's it's like putting putting a tag down,
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  like a tack on a map or something,
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  right? Is something I can visualize.
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  And I I want to point out too,
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  this just hit me, is this negative and positive,
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  like shifting from a negative to a positive.
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  And while that sounds glorious,
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  and I want that for everyone, sometimes people are
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  in a place where shifting from the negative to the positive is like
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  a 30-foot jump in the air. And so it's moving from negative to
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  To maybe neutral first. And also what popped up is I think if when
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  I hear positive and negative, because I mean,
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  wouldn't it be nice if we all just walked around all positive and life is
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  all of it and acted as if there was nothing ever wrong and nothing
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  was challenging and nothing was hard.
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  Sounds great. I think it would be boring,
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  quite honestly. And
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  Mm-hmm.
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  think about I think about my friend again.
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  I know I mention him a lot. I've I truly admire Christian Moore ~ and
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  the work that he's done. And so one of the things that he has a metaphor that
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  he uses is a car battery. And I do not know much about cars.
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  Let me say that first. Cars are not my thing.
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  I want one that ro that drives and gets me where I need to go.
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  I don't care if it drives for me.
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  I can do that part. I I just want it to work.
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  And but what I do know about a car,
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  other than it has four wheels,
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  is it has this thing called a battery.
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  And that battery, and I don't know all the whatever that goes to it,
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  but I know there's a positive and a negative.
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  And if that battery is dead and I try to jump or charge that battery,
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  whatever you call it, if I only connect to the positive,
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  my car is not gonna go. And if I only connect to the negative.
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  My car is not gonna go. And my my thing about cars is I want it to go when
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  I want it to go. And so I can't dismiss the negative as
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  if it doesn't exist. No, I have to have it and the positive so that I can go.
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  So when the negative comes up for me,
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  I want to hold on to it. So although and I
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  I do this to myself whether I'm alone or with people,
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  and yes, I teach it in coaching,
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  is I put the although is always in my left hand for some reason.
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  Maybe because we l read left to right.
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  I don't know. But for me, although,
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  whatever it is, and then I find the truth also,
• 23:09
  a truth. It doesn't have to be the,
• 23:13
  but a truth or what I know for sure.
• 23:16
  So although I don't know how to
• 23:19
  Do a backflip.
• 23:20
  I know I can find a teacher. I may not ever be able to do a backflip.
• 23:25
  I can find a teacher.
• 23:27
  So I hold space for both 'cause I do think both things can be true.
• 23:30
  So when you said positive, negative,
• 23:32
  that's what popped up 'cause yes,
• 23:34
  I want everybody to be in a positive state of well being.
• 23:38
  Don't dismiss the negative.
• 23:40
  I love that. And it also reminds me of the yeah I don't know yet.
• 23:44
  There's
• 23:45
  Yes.
• 23:46
  room for that growth room.
• 23:49
  Yes. The power of yet. Love it.
• 23:51
  I don't know who first said that line,
• 23:54
  but whoever it was, thank you very much.
• 23:57
  Yeah. Right. So talking about the things that we say to ourselves
• 24:02
  and then going back to Guadalupe's community,
• 24:05
  get out of your own way. ~ that is open and ready for people that are part
• 24:11
  of the Live Life Fully Club. So when you join the club,
• 24:15
  yeah, you've got access to several different coaches with different communities.
• 24:20
  We all
• 24:22
  Any coach that has a community goes live once a month.
• 24:25
  Everything is recorded. And so it'll always be in your portal to where
• 24:29
  you can go back and watch the reruns.
• 24:31
  Cause no, not everybody is available on the certain day at the certain time that
• 24:36
  each coach has their community.
• 24:38
  But I love that because that limiting beliefs,
• 24:40
  pushing beyond what you think currently,
• 24:44
  expanding perspective, I think it's wonderful.
• 24:48
  So ladies.
• 24:51
  Any final thoughts that you would like to share with our audience today
• 24:55
  or a little nugget that you want them to walk away with?
• 24:58
  So one thing that came up to mind is when I think
• 25:02
  Yeah.
• 25:02
  about my self talk
• 25:05
  In that moment, I one question that I've learned to ask myself is
• 25:09
  how is my relationship with discouragement right now?
• 25:12
  Because one pattern that I would see would be discouragement oftentimes
• 25:19
  can lead to disconnection. And so when you're watching that relationship with
• 25:26
  discouragement, you can catch it and acknowledge
• 25:30
  it and intentionally choose your step forward.
• 25:34
  Versus letting this discouragement take the wheel.
• 25:38
  I love that. I'm right now that too.
• 25:40
  So can
• 25:40
  Mm-hmm.
• 25:41
  I be my friend? And what is my relationship with discouragement right now?
• 25:45
  And I love that it's the right now.
• 25:48
  You're keeping it in the present.
• 25:51
  Mm-hmm.
• 25:53
  Love it.
• 25:54
  I think the nugget I would leave is something that both of you already touched on.
• 25:59
  because I think it sits with me is would I speak this way to a friend?
• 26:03
  I think that's something that's that needs to be you need to be reminded
• 26:07
  of in terms of how do we talk to ourselves,
• 26:10
  you know, like would I be my own friend kind of thing.
• 26:12
  yeah.
• 26:13
  Just being kind to yourself, but it's more than just kindness,
• 26:16
  right? It's not kindness isn't enough,
• 26:18
  right? It's because sometimes you need hard love or hard truths.
• 26:22
  you know, that has to be there too,
• 26:24
  right? Like the holding all those.
• 26:26
  but the how would I talk to a friend about this thing?
• 26:28
  Right? Would I encourage them?
• 26:30
  Would I ask them curio questions?
• 26:32
  Would I be curious?
• 26:33
  So good. I love it. I love it,
• 26:37
  I love it. Visualize your friends sitting right next to you,
• 26:40
  having the same kind of situation.
• 26:42
  And how would you interact with them?
• 26:44
  So good. my gosh, ladies, thank you so much for joining us today.
• 26:49
  And listeners, thank you for joining Candid Coach Conversations.
• 26:53
  Until next time, remember to live life fully and enjoy every moment.