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Why Every Fight Feels The Same · Trauma Free Relationship

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All right, welcome back to Trauma Free Relationship.
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Today we're going to talk about why every fight feels the same.
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So just ask yourself here for a minute.
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Have you ever had a fight or an argument or a disagreement with
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your partner and thought, here we go again?
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Was there that aha moment or that uh oh moment that says
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we're going to repeat the exact same pattern, the same feelings,
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the same shutdown, same defensiveness, and the same
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ending, just a different topic? That's what we're going to dig
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into today. Why does every fight feel the
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same? Welcome to trauma free
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relationship. I'm your host Tom Philp and I've
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been helping couples to break their painful patterns that keep
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them stuck so they can communicate better, repair more
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quickly, and stay connected longer.
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Let's get started, OK? As I mentioned at the opening,
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why does it seem like every fight feels the same?
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And I see this over and over and over in so many of the couples
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that I work with and individuals too, where they come in and they
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want to talk about their partner and they start complaining about
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their partner and how the partners not meeting their needs
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and how their partners doing this or doing that.
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And they're focusing on their partner and what they're not
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really understanding and what they're not seeing is sort of
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the the dynamic below. What's breaking down the
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communication, what's breaking down the connection, which is
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the cycle that's at play here. And the cycle is what is making
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the fight feel so familiar because the same pattern plays
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out with every argument they have.
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So, you know, somebody sends a text, They get really anxious
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that the person hasn't responded.
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They start sending two or three more texts.
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The person on the other end gets out of a meeting, sees the
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flurry of texts sent, starts to get anxious thinking that
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they're in trouble, and already the cycle's begun and they
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haven't even talked to each other yet.
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But it's already begun. And that's because the cycle
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exists regardless of the topic. So it's not the topic, it's the
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cycle. It's not your partner, it's the
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cycle. It's it's this loop and feedback
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loop that both of you get stuck in regardless of the topic.
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And so really that's point number one I want you to think
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about is that it's not the topic.
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Just like we often say on here, it's not your partner, it's the
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cycle because that's really what happens.
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And so you come in, you had a long day, you're really tired.
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Your partner has some exciting news to tell you.
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They sense that you're not really in a in a great place.
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So they suppress their feelings. They pull back.
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You notice them pulling back. You think they don't care that
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you've had a bad day. They're not even asking about
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it. And so you start to pull back.
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And the rest of the night, nobody's hardly talking to each
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other. So these are the kinds of
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scenarios, these feedback loops that fuels the cycle.
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And, and essentially these are patterns of protection.
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That's kind of another name for a cycle we use.
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Because what happens is when you receive that feedback from your
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partner, you tend to put up your guard a little bit.
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You tend to build a wall. And it's going to be really hard
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to connect with your partner behind that defensiveness,
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behind that guardedness. And so again, it's not the
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topic, It's the cycle. Whether it's about the
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dishwasher, whether it is about, you know, your partner's mood
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that day, whatever it might be, it it, it is, it is the cycle.
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And that feedback loop, the two of you get into that, that makes
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every fight feel the same. And as I sort of mentioned at
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the opening, there's always that sort of uh oh moment.
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And this is part of the early warning signs of a cycle.
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If you, if you sense that uh oh moment, then the cycle's already
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been triggered. It's already sort of been
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activated because there's something in your body that's
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now alerting you to uh oh, this could, this could go off the
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rails here. This could get bad, this could
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escalate. This is not going to be very
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much fun. And the other partner is
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probably sensing that too. So it's not the topic, it's the
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cycle. And, and, and couples are having
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the same fight, whether it's around the dishes, sex, money,
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it's they're stuck in this repeating emotional feedback
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loop. Think about it this way.
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It, it's a little bit like an iceberg, right?
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So the smallest part of the iceberg is the part that sticks
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up out of the water. The largest part of the iceberg
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is what is submerged beneath the water.
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And so if you think about it from that that standpoint,
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couples then often are arguing about the 10% that's sticking up
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out of the water. It's the, it's the part they
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see. It's, it's the dishes, it's each
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other's moods. It's, you know, it's the text,
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It's whatever it might be. It's it's the kids, it's money,
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it's all these sort of topics that that can cause issues in
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relationships. But you're not really fighting
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about sex, money, the kids or house chores.
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What you're fighting about is the 90% that's below, below or
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beneath the water. And you're fighting to determine
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how do we show up for each other?
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How can we attune to each other? How do we show that we care and
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we can listen and we can tolerate each other's feelings?
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How do we express love and compassion and, and protection
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for each other? Protecting the relationship,
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protecting our partner, not just our defensive protection.
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These kinds of things are what we're really arguing about.
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I've, I've seen this play out so many times, you know, with so
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many couples where they'll come in and they'll say, you know, we
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got, we got into a huge fight this week and you know, it was
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about a burrito. Well, it really wasn't about a
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burrito, right? So we need to drill down and get
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to the root of the problem here. What is it?
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That's that 90% below the surface that we're actually
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arguing about because that's, it's really something relational
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that we're arguing about, not something topical.
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And the reason our is because if you've been with your partner
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long enough, at least 18 to 24 months, you are firmly attached
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to them. And what do I mean by that?
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What I mean by firmly attached is that it's not just that you
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have warm feelings for each other or you have a good time
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together or you like each other or maybe even say you love each
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other. It's that your nervous systems
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have now become more wrapped around each other's nervous
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systems. And this creates reactivity.
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And before you're firmly attached to somebody, you're
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less reactive. Let me give an example.
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I can go into the grocery store and if the person checking my
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groceries out, male or female, maybe they've had a bad day,
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they're a little bit rude, whatever it might be, I, I can
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blow that off. I can be like, OK, well, this is
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an unpleasant experience, but just giving my groceries and I'm
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going on my way and good luck. I hope you have a better day.
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Move on down the road. Now I go home and my wife uses
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that same tone or gives me the same look and all of a sudden I
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become very reactive to it. Notice the difference?
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I go home and my partner might do the same thing that the that
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the male or female did in the grocery store and all of a
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sudden my nervous system is activated.
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And this is what I mean by firmly attached.
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When we're attached to another person, we are working towards
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regulating our emotions together, and it takes two
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people to do that. That's why attachment is really
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an emotion regulation system between two people.
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How do they balance and regulate the emotions between them?
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And when they get out of balance, when they become
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dysregulated, that's when they get caught up in these cycles.
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So Long story short, it's not the topic, it's the cycle that's
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creating every fight feeling the same.
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Why? Because it looks similar.
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One partner might push for reconnection or understanding.
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The other partner starts to feel overwhelmed or criticized and
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begins to shut down. And this is what we call a
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pursue withdrawal cycle. Or maybe you're in a
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relationship where neither of you want to rock the boat.
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Both of you are afraid of conflict, so there's tension
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constantly in the air because neither of you are saying what
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you really want to say or need to say to each other in order to
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resolve that tension. So there's just icy coldness
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between the two of you. Or perhaps you're in a
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relationship where you both tend to be pursuers.
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You both tend to be anxious at disconnection and want to
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quickly repair, but do so by criticizing each other, by using
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contempt towards each other. So you have these big explosive
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fights and, and, and it takes a while for you all to recover and
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it takes maybe even days for you all to calm down and for one or
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both of you to come back and repair and get back to normal.
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And so there's different ways that that, that cycle can play
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out. And, and there's not one right
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or wrong cycle per SE, but it is, it's not the topic that's
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happening. It's that same painful pattern
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that keeps you all stuck. And, and a lot of times what
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happens is, and this is the 10% of the iceberg that that stuck
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above the water. Couples often want to argue
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about content without recognizing process.
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And that's really important here.
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So I'm going to repeat that couples often want to argue
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about content and not process. They want to argue about the
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burrito as opposed to what's really happening here because
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this isn't about the burrito. It's not about how I load the
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dishwasher. It's not about me coming home in
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a bad mood. What, what is this really about?
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What's happening relationally? What is the process that's
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that's, that's happening between the two of you that's actually
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playing out. And when couples get better at
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being able to recognize the process, meaning the cycle, when
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they get better at being able to recognize their cycle, recognize
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the early warning signs and they can catch it as it's happening,
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and that's crucial, they can catch it as it unfolds, then
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they really start to come together against the cycle.
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They really start to learn how to pay attention to it, how to
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understand how it disconnects and divides them and the ways
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that they need to work in order to de escalate that.
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So they get better at paying attention to the process of how
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they talk about something, not just the content of what they're
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talking about, not just the, you know, the 10% that sticks out
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above, above the water, so to speak, the dishes, the sex, the
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money, the kids, whatever that might be.
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Because when cycles start, cycles are rarely ever about the
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content. It usually at that point it's
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about the process. It's about why did you use that
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tone? And now I'm getting defensive
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and it feels like you're accusing or blaming me of
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something. And what does that mean?
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And this all's going around in your mind as you're listening to
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your partner as their tone shifts.
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And then you hit that uh oh moment and you go, well, here we
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go again. Seems like I have 0 control over
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the cycle. And So what happens is you feel
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like you're on a hamster wheel and the faster the couple runs,
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actually they're getting nowhere and they're working really hard
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on that hamster wheel and they can see the cycle after it
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happens. And they get so exhausted and so
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tired and they begin to question the relationship when what they
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really need to be doing is questioning the cycle itself.
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All right, so here's my second point today.
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So the first point is it's not the topic, it's it's the cycle.
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The second point I want to make about why every fight feels the
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same is what is it that's really driving the cycle?
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And so the cycle is fueled by the threat response, those
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danger cues and, and the protective response.
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So when when we get triggered, it's because there's something
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that's happened in the relationship that now feels
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dangerous. Our partner does not feel like a
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safe place for us to be open or be vulnerable with or even be
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relaxed around. Rather, something's happened now
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and our heart rate starts to rise and cortisol begins to and
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adrenaline begins to dump into our veins.
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And we noticed that all of a sudden our muscles start
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becoming tense. And we think to ourselves, uh
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oh, here we go again. And now our partner is viewed
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more as a threat, a threat to the relationship or a threat to
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your identity or the way you see yourself, something along those
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lines, since those are the two primary threats in a
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relationship. And, and that is part of what's
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really fueling the cycle. And so you begin to move into
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your protection. Now your partner, whether
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they're aware or unaware of their tone, and often times they
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can be unaware of it, they start to sense your, your walls go up
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and now all of a sudden they start to get triggered and
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they're like, well, I'm just trying to be heard and
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understood and explain myself. And now they're getting
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defensive. And what's that all about?
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Why can't I talk to my partner without them getting defensive?
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Why do we always end up going here?
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And now their tone starts to shift even more or they start to
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move into their protection. And so the cycle is fueled by
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the threat response. Now we are made for protection
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just as much as we're made for connection.
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So the fact that we move into our protection is not, it's not
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horrible. It's not horrible that we're
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made this way. What's bad is that we've gotten
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into a cycle in the relationship where we have to protect
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ourselves, where we can't lean into whatever is uncomfortable
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in the moment and tolerate those uncomfortable emotions, regulate
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our emotions or be more mindful of what we're feeling in those
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moments. Because the way out of these
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cycles is through emotion regulation, because emotion
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regulation is the fuel for cycles.
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And we call them, you know, patterns of protection because
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they're they're driven by defensiveness for sure.
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But because that's what your partner sees.
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But, you know, we often get emotionally dysregulated.
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And when we don't handle our emotions well, when we don't
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know what we're feeling and we start to react to our feelings
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without being mindful of them and the deeper meanings, then
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what our partner sees is the defensiveness.
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And then they move into their defensiveness.
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So we have a natural protection instincts when we feel emotional
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danger and we move into our protective response.
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And here's the thing, this this is the 10% sitting up above the
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water here in the iceberg metaphor.
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We cannot logic our way out of defensiveness.
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We cannot logic our way out of these cycles.
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We have to use the right tool when we're in a caught in a
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cycle, when we are being defensive and our partner is
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being defensive, then we cannot logic our way out of that.
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Telling your partner to calm down is not going to work.
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Tell them that it's not OK that they're getting defensive is not
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going to work because ultimately the signal you're telling them
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is that that they don't have a right to be upset and they feel
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justified in being upset, whatever, whatever it is.
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So the way that we actually catch these cycles in real time,
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which is the goal is to be able to recognize how we show up.
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So if you're more of a pursuer, then you might say, hey, I
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noticed I'm kind of getting really activated here.
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And I know when I do, I start really pushing with, with my
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anxiety towards reconnection. I don't want to do that right
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now. So can we, can we just, you
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know, kind of drop the tone just a little bit?
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Can we, can we just lower the temperature?
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Because I, I don't want to get to that place.
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And I know sometimes I often do, and when I get super anxious,
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then I start getting sort of critical or demanding or really
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assertive and then we kind of just get caught in our cycle.
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Notice how in that example, you're talking about yourself
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and how you show up in the cycle.
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Notice that you're not talking about you do this and then you
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pulled away and then you shut down and that I can't reach you
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because you're being defensive. Notice all the use versus, hey,
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this is what's happening inside of me, whether you can see it or
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not. And let's do something
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different. And so being able to be mindful
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that that temperature is rising inside of you and what that
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means and how that shows up in your cycle is huge, huge steps
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towards being able to catch the cycle in real time and break it
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and, and prevent it actually. And not, not just break it, but
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prevent it. And so that the point #2 is the
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cycle. It is being driven by our, our
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threat response and our, our protection.
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The, the natural way we've learned to protect ourselves.
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Because you don't have to tell your body what to do to protect
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itself. It knows.
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It knows automatically. And it, it knows and has done it
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for so long, it's really good at protecting you.
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And it, it's almost sort of, you know, Dons its Cape, so to
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speak. And as soon as you get that
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danger cue, it says, ah, this is where I move in and don't worry,
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I've got it from here. And it puts on its Cape and it
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puts on its big, big letter D on its chest for defensiveness or,
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or, you know, or P for protection.
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And, and it says, I got it from here.
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Don't you worry about it. I know exactly how to protect us
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and, and it's really good at doing it.
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And being able to catch these cycles in real time is a massive
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step towards telling that protective part of you, Hey,
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I've got this. I, I don't need you right now.
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I appreciate you being there. I know you're there for me.
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I know what you can do when you step in.
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I know how you can protect me, but right now I'm good.
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I've got this. And so that's the second point
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is that they are driven by cycles of protectiveness and our
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protective instinct. And then the Third Point I want
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to make is the the cycles, why they always feel the same and
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this is really important is that they are Co created by the same
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two people. Each partner's reaction makes
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perfect sense individually. I do this all the time when I'm
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working with my couples, either in a coaching or therapeutic
20:12
context. And I might look at one partner
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and say, well, of course you felt that way.
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That makes perfect sense to me. This is what you thought they
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were saying. This was your understanding of
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what that meant. This is how you interpreted that
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or the story you told yourself about.
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This is what you were feeling and what in them the meaning
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behind what you were feeling. And of course, you went into
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your protection. And then I'll turn to the other
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partner. I'll basically say the same
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thing. I'll I'll dive into the content
20:38
a little bit, but I, I validate exactly what they were feeling
20:44
and, and then I put it into the cycle.
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Now notice because of the way that you felt, notice how you
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responded and how you showed up to your partner in that moment
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and how that led them to be triggered and they showed up to
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you in that moment. And so those those cycles that I
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talked about, they are Co created and it's a little bit
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like I'm sure somebody's had this experience before.
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I know this is very common in my house where I might be hot and I
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might go and I might turn the thermostat down and then my
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partner gets cold and they go and they open a window.
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And so, you know, it's 11 reaction leads to another
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partner's reaction and they tend to nullify each other.
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Or, you know, if you've ever been out on a lake rowing on a
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boat and you're sitting in the front or your partner sitting in
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the back and you, you begin to realize you're moving in circles
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because you're paddling to the left and your partner's paddling
21:50
to the left too. And you're not, you're not
21:53
rowing in a way that's In Sync that can move you down the
21:57
river, but rather you're both rowing on, on the same side.
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And that's just moving you both into circles.
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And so, you know, as soon as you hit rough waters, then, then you
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switch to the side, but now you recognize you're both rowing on
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the same side again. And so being able to understand
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how do we Co create this? What are those micro moments
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where we often try to show up for each other and as a result,
22:26
we end up working in opposite directions to each other.
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These little moments where I'll turn up the thermostat, but you
22:35
open a window where I'm trying to get around a rock in our boat
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and I'm paddling on the left side and I look back and you're
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paddling on the left side too. And so we're actually steering
22:47
closer to the rock as opposed to steering away.
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And and that's a little bit about what these cycles are
22:53
like. But here's the crucial point.
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They are Co created. They are both partners, whether
23:00
they realize it or not, are contributing to the cycle.
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And I use this example because it's really important because
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sometimes I'll always have somebody say, well, what if I'm
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just sitting there and my partner just comes in and starts
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yelling at me and I say, well, first of all, that's, that's not
23:22
good. I, I hope that doesn't actually
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happen where you're just sitting on the couch for and no reason
23:27
your partner comes in and starts yelling at you or, you know,
23:30
criticizing you. I, I hope that there's something
23:33
that happens prior to that that pushes them to that point, but
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nonetheless, let's just say that they do.
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How do you respond to that moment?
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Do you sit there with a straight face and say with, excuse me,
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with a still face and don't respond and say nothing?
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And the the response you're giving is you don't care, which
23:52
actually then makes your partner feel like whatever it is they're
23:55
upset about is falling on deaf ears.
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That whatever it is they're upset about is not really valid,
24:01
not worth your time, and you don't care.
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And then you get up and leave the room.
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Or do you immediately start matching their tone and getting
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defensive and yelling back? Or do you sit there and say, you
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know, you're really upset? And I'm not sure why, but I, I
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really want to hear what's what's bothering you.
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Come and have a seat on the couch so we can talk about this.
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But let's just let's just lower the temperature for a minute
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because I really want to be able to stay engaged in what you're
24:28
saying so that we can work on this together.
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Notice the difference in the responses.
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And so yeah, you maybe your partner did, I hope not, but
24:38
maybe your partner did come in and just start, you know, diving
24:41
into you and and and being upset or having a tone.
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But the way you respond to that tone is either going to Co
24:49
create a cycle or it's going to be able to catch it in real time
24:54
and prevent the cycle. And so I always say it is Co
24:59
created. And that I think is the other
25:02
really important point. It's Co created.
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OK, that's it for us today. Thanks so much for listening.
25:12
Feel free to reach out and let me know what it is you like you
25:15
want to hear more of what you'd love me to focus on.
25:19
As always, we'll just keep bringing this podcast to you,
25:22
talking about your life and your relationships.
25:25
Take care.