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Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram Daily Podcast - Everyone Acts in a Way that Makes Sense to Them · KCBI Teaching Channel

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Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
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What do you do when your boss or friend or spouse
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or one of your kids says or does something that
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doesn't make any sense? I mean, it makes you
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crazy. You get angry. You find yourself waking
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up in the middle of the night and you say to
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yourself, why did they do that? Why did they
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say that? Today, we're going to learn one simple
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principle that can change all that. Stay with
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me. I'm Dave Drewy, and this is Living on the
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Edge. Today, Chip Ingram continues his series,
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Caring Enough to Connect, building bridges to
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those we love with two personal stories from
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Chip's own life, one from the early months of
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his marriage and one from a painful misunderstanding
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with a fellow ministry leader, both showing how
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a single shift in perspective can completely
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change your most difficult relationships. If
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someone in your life has ever left you shaking
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your head, today's message may change how you
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see them. Here's Chip Ingram with today's message
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titled, Everyone Acts in a Way That Makes Sense
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to Them. I'm talking about basically life lessons
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in terms of building a great family and just
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great friendships. Principles that have to do
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with marriage, parenting, friendships, your boss.
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And so let me do a quick review. Principle number
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one, the biggest lesson I learned was it all
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begins with God. I come from a family background.
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There's a multi -billion dollar self -help industry.
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There's TV shows. There's books. There's movies
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that all tell you this is how to do relationships.
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My biggest lesson is God created relationships,
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and His Word gives direction. on how to have
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great ones by his intent. And so the passage
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was Proverbs 9, 10. It says, the fear of the
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Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge
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of the Holy One is understanding. Saying, God,
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the wisdom, the skill to do relationships, you
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have it. And then the practice was, make God's
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word your handbook for relational guidelines.
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In other words, if God says, look, this is how
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to do marriage, do it his way. If he says this
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is how to raise your kids, do it his way. If
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he says this is how to respond to your parents,
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do it his way. If he says, look, here's how you
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do business relationships, friendships, do it
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his way. The second principle was that every,
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recognize that everyone is desperately insecure.
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We looked at the very beginning of time and Adam
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and Eve and that once sin entered the world,
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we're all varying degrees, we're just desperately
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insecure people. That since that time, we're
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fear -based. And because we're afraid of what
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other people will think about us, we hide. And
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so we pretend. And we image cast. And we perform.
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And we manipulate. And we so fear rejection.
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It's in all of us. That we want to figure out
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what other people will like and accept. And then
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we project that. Or we perform for that. Or we'll
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look that way. Or maybe if I'm good in music
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or athletics or art. Or if I can make a lot of
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money. Or if I can live over here. Or if I can
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drive this. All these things. And we create these
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relational holograms. that are, you know, three
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feet away from who we really are so that people
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will like us. Unfortunately, even if they like
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the hologram, it doesn't touch the depth of our
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heart. And so we said the passage was Genesis
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chapter 3, and then our practice was take off
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your mask. Authenticity builds genuine relational
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intimacy, and hypocrisy destroys it. That great
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truth that people are not looking for perfect
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people. But people like you and me are really
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looking for authentic, real people. Principle
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number three is everyone behaves in a way that
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makes sense to them. Everyone you meet, every
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behavior you encounter, whether it's from your
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dad, your mom, your mate, your friend, your boss,
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an employee, everyone behaves in a way that makes
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sense to them. When people act in immature, inappropriate,
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or even have patterns that appear absolutely
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dysfunctional and damaging. They're doing it
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for reasons that at least inside their head and
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from their experience, it makes sense. I mean,
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most people don't say to themselves, I know what
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I could do that would just wreck my marriage.
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I think I'll do this and really alienate everyone
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that I know. That is not how people think. Now
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they act in ways that do that, don't we? But
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they think in ways that actually make sense.
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to them. Everyone behaves. And you say, well,
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that seems kind of simple. I got to tell you,
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when you get your arms around that, it'll revolutionize
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how you interpret what happens. Because sometimes
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it's not even wrong. Sometimes people are very,
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very different. And so they respond in ways that
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make sense to them that are completely foreign
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to you, but it causes conflict. Let me give you
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my... First example where I begin to learn about
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this. Teresa and I come from very different families.
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I came from a family of school teachers that
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really believed in education and thought that
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the way you learn is around the supper table.
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And so we would eat dinner and then literally
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push the plates to the middle. You couldn't even
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clean them up. And then this is why I like coffee.
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I think my parents would get a cup of coffee.
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I didn't like milk. But if I would drink half
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my milk, they'd put a little coffee in it and
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a little sugar. Seriously, from about four years
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old on. And we would talk for 45 minutes around
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the table. And that question like, so what did
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you learn in school today? If you went all nothing,
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that was like, that does not work in this family.
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And so what I learned is a dynamic occurred in
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our family that the way to even be heard is you
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have to interrupt somebody. So my family, when
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you talk, you have to track because they interrupt.
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And everyone's talking all the time. Well, Teresa
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came from a family that was just the opposite.
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And people were very polite and very cordial,
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but not overly communicative. Not good, not bad.
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Neither of us right, neither of us wrong. But
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it must have been about two, maybe three months
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after we're married. And we're going to drive
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up, I think, and visit her sister. It's a two
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-and -a -half -hour drive or so. And we have
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a little conversation in the car. And so we talk
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a little bit. And I notice that I'm way more
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talkative in this new marriage relationship than
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my wife. And so, like men do, we count things,
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probably not very wisely at times. So, I decide
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that I'm going to run an experiment, and I'm
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not going to say anything, and see how long it
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takes her to initiate the conversation and talk
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to me. Now, you've got to remember, all of us
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are desperately insecure. My experience tells
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me, in my family, if you don't talk to me, you're
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rejecting me. Because that's how I grew up, and
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that's the way we punished each other. I mean,
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when you're fighting... For airtime, the way
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you tell someone that, boy, I don't like you
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is you don't talk. So we drive and I'm going
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to run this experiment. 10 minute goes by. 20
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minute goes by. Now I'm starting to go. We're
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married like three months. Is this how you, you
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know, what do you know what to do? Whatever you
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know. 30 minutes goes by, 32 minutes goes by,
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35 minutes, 37 .5, and I'm just going, what is
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going on here? I thought we had a good marriage.
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I thought I married the right person. What's
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going on? She won't even talk to me. I mean,
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we must have a big problem. I mean, I'm, you
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know, in my mind, it's building and building
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and building. We hit the 45 -minute mark, and
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I decide that's it. And so she's looking out
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the window, seems to actually be enjoying things.
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At times looks over at me and smiles, which is
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ridiculous. 45 minutes you haven't talked to
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me. Then I turn to her, what's wrong with you
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anyway? I can't believe you. 45 minutes we've
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been in this car, you haven't said a word. And
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I mean, I attacked her. And after, you know,
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we realized we had little differences and I got
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clothed in my right mind emotionally and mentally
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and we worked it all out. Everyone behaves in
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a way that makes sense to them. When Teresa's
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family drove in the car, people didn't talk a
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lot. My wife loves nature. My wife was sitting
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there, actually revealed she had good thoughts
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about me. And she was seeing how beautiful nature
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was and looked at me and said, oh yeah, I was
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having a wonderful time. I thought how wonderful
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it is that to be in the same car, enjoy all this
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beauty, to be newly married and know that even
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without words, we can be close. All right? I'm
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thinking, without words, this marriage is on
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the rocks, and we've only been here two months,
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you know? Do you understand the difference? If
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you understand people behave in a way that makes
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sense to her, if you don't understand that, you'll
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assume that they behave in a way that should
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make sense to you. And when you place that demand
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on people, because a lot of times that wasn't
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moral. Her family wasn't right and my wrong or
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vice versa. But it produced tremendous conflict.
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Proverbs 14, 12 says, there is a way which seems
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right to a man. First part of that, there is
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a way that seems right to a person. There's a
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way that seems right to a man. There's a way
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to talk. There's a way to do business. There's
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a way to parent. There's a way to respond to
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parents. There's a way to spend money. There's
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a way to prioritize. There is a way that seems
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right to a person. All of us have in our mind,
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there's a way that seems right to us. But it
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says, if it isn't in alignment with God's wisdom,
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it says what? But the end thereof is the way
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of death. If you begin to understand, even when
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people blow up, even when people say things after
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a long time in a relationship, even when a kid
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slams the door, it doesn't mean you condone the
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behavior. But if you assume that it doesn't make
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sense to them, then you'll usually attack the
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wrong issue and the relationship will further
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deteriorate. You're listening to Living on the
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Edge with Chip Ingram, and there's more coming
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up in just a moment. But first, stick around
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after today's teaching. We'll tell you about
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a resource built to help you have real gospel
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-centered conversations with the people in your
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own life who feel far from God. It's called Not
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Beyond Reach, and it might be exactly what you
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need for that one relationship you've been praying
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about. Well, now back to today's lesson. I'll
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give you another quick example. I had an experience
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just in the last couple of months, and there
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was a Christian organization. We'd built a good
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relationship, and they said, You know, we have
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this ministry to churches and people around the
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world, and we heard a series, and we think you
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have a couple messages that would really help
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them. I said, well, great. We've never done an
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international conference. Would you go to Hong
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Kong, and we'll have a couple other teachers
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go, and we think this would be great. And I thought,
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I've got a great friend in Hong Kong. We've mentored
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a church in Hong Kong. I really believe in what
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they're doing, so I go and I do it. And then
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I came back, and they had a couple other conferences
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they asked me to speak at. Had a great relationship,
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and this is the leader of this whole deal. And
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we just... I thought everything was great. I
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didn't really notice that they didn't ask me
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to speak for a year. I didn't notice that they
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didn't ask me to speak another. I was pretty
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busy anyway. And then we had a big project that
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we had talked about earlier, and they said, whenever
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you get ready, let us know about this project.
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So I call. No response. I email. Not even a return
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call. Well, they're busy. I understand. They're
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probably out of the office. So I wait two months,
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go through the same. No response. And all of
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a sudden, I'm thinking, now, wait a second. I
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went all across the world to these people, gave
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them a week of my life. I've done two major events
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for them, and you can't even get a return phone
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call? And so then I decide, a guy taught me,
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okay, I'll do a phone conference. So I called,
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and our assistants, we set up a phone conference.
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And on the day of it, five minutes before the
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conference, oh, an emergency's come up. So -and
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-so can't make it. So now I'm thinking, now,
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am I connecting these dots, and these are all
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just coincidences, or is there a problem here?
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Well, I don't want to tell you about the second
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phone conference that was canceled, the time
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I learned to talk to his assistant. And she goes,
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oh, yeah, he's right in the other room. And then
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after she checks, oh, I didn't realize, and her
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voice tells me, you all have been here, right?
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I need to figure out how to cover for my boss
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without making you feel too bad. He doesn't want
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to talk to you. Eventually, I end up talking
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with a board member and had another big meeting
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that he at the last minute dropped out of. Now,
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here's what I've got to tell you. If I don't
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understand that people always behave in a way
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that makes sense to me, I want to tell you some
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thoughts that casually went through my mind.
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What kind of a jerk is this guy? I go all across
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the world. I do this, I do this, I do this. He
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won't return my phone call? Are you kidding?
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Who does he think he is? Is he the most arrogant
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guy in the whole world? Does he just use people?
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You know what? I thought that was a good organization,
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but you know what? I guess I was wrong. They
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just used me. Not that any of those thoughts
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would ever go through my mind, but if my flesh
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was in control, they could have. Of course, all
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those thoughts and all those feelings, and what
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would have happened? This. And then probably
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in my flesh, I would have thought of very subtle,
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sophisticated ways to tell other Christian leaders
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about what bums they are. That's sort of what
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sin does, isn't it? And instead, by the grace
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of God, I thought to myself, everyone behaves
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in a way that makes sense to them. And I got
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on a phone call with two of his leaders, and
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I said, I would do this directly, but I can't
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get an audience with your boss. and I just recited
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the things that we had agreed upon and what I've
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done. And I said, would you tell him I have a
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conviction from God that I must have wounded
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him in some way because all the data of his life
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has been he is a good man, he's a godly man,
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you have a great organization, and he won't even
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return my phone call. So I'm assuming there's
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a problem between us. And since one of the relational
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principles is it always begins with God, All
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those feelings and thoughts that were angry and
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bitter and unforgiving came to my mind. But I
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have a verse that says, Matthew 5, 23 and 24,
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if when you come and present your offering to
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the Lord, there at the altar, and remember, your
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brother has something against you, you lay down
14:38
your offering and go to your brother. And so
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I said to these two guys, tell your boss. I will
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be bugging him until he answers my call, and
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I believe in some way. I don't know what I did.
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I don't know why, but I don't have relationships
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with Christian leaders like this, and I don't
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put it under the rug, and he and I are going
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to talk, and we're going to get this resolved
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and tell him in advance. I'm not mad at him,
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but this can't go on. I need to hear what I've
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done wrong. So long and the short of it is a
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board member. called me the next day of his organization
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and just in conversation asked a couple questions
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and I said, brother, I'd like to talk directly.
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I can't get him to talk to me. He said, let me
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see what I can do and when board members call
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you and you head Christian organizations, it
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has immediate impact and so I got a call the
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next day and we set up this thing and we talked
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and it was really interesting. We get on the
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phone together and I tell him kind of my side
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of the story and then Here's what my assumption
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is. He's behaving in a way that makes sense to
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him. And I say to him, use his name. All my experience
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is you're a good man. You're a godly man. It's
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a great organization. We've partnered in three
15:54
or four major events. This behavior is totally
15:59
contrary to everything I know about you. But
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I have to assume it makes sense to you. And the
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only explanation I have is that I've wounded
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or offended you in some way. And so will you
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please get that on the table so I could ask you
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to forgive me? And he said, you know, as a matter
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of fact, you did. Remember two years ago when
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he cited it and we agreed that we weren't going
16:21
to bring up one issue in this conference? I said,
16:23
fine, you're the head of it. And then when I
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got up two hours later, the person who was emceeing
16:28
the event asked me two questions about that issue.
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I assumed, I guess he talked with his boss and
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he changed his mind, so I took three minutes
16:35
on it and went on. We didn't talk with his boss.
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He just did that. His perception was, you and
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I talked, we agreed not to address that one issue,
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and then you got up in front of my constituency
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and addressed that issue. And then I said, why
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didn't you come to me? And then all of a sudden,
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are you ready for this? Two leaders get to talk,
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and he didn't use these words, but basically
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said, you know something? I'm premising because
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I'm desperately insecure just like you. You know,
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all of my leadership life, I have not addressed
17:09
issues with people when there's conflict. I hate
17:12
conflict. And what I've done is I've just pushed
17:14
it down, pushed it down, pushed it down. And
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I didn't really even know. I just knew there
17:18
was something. I couldn't put my finger on it.
17:20
But when the board member called and when I got
17:23
your email and when the two, my COO and the other
17:26
vice president said, you're going to keep calling
17:28
until this gets resolved. He said, I put my finger
17:32
on it. And you know what's amazing? When you
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begin to treat people and understand, they always,
17:40
always act in a way that makes sense to them.
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It is amazing what healing can occur than assuming
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their motives are bad, they're carnal, they're
17:51
evil, they're trying to hurt you, they're out
17:53
to get you. Doesn't mean you condone the behavior.
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And so here's the practice I want to give you.
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Two things that have been so helpful over the
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years. Number one, become a student of others'
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behavior to learn the why behind the what. Become
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a student of others' behavior. I literally have,
18:10
and Teresa has with me, we've become students
18:12
of one another's behavior. I've become a student
18:14
of my kids' behavior. I've become a student of
18:17
the people that I work with. A student. I now
18:20
know the why behind the what of her silence and
18:22
her silence now. Of course, she talks a lot more
18:25
now and I shut up more now, so we've both grown.
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But the why behind the what is there isn't a
18:30
problem. I've learned that my wife gets refreshed
18:33
by being alone. I get refreshed by talking and
18:36
verbalizing. And so there's times where she's
18:38
getting refreshed and I know the why behind the
18:41
what, so I can give her space and not feel. She
18:45
has now learned that she may not feel like talking,
18:48
but I've been through a board meeting or this
18:49
or that, I've been out of the country, and we
18:51
need to go to Starbucks, and she's going to sit
18:53
and just ask four or five questions, and I'll
18:55
talk for an hour and a half, and I feel better
18:57
when I get done. But be a student, the why behind
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the what. You know, one of my sons went through
19:05
a real rebellious stage and he butted heads,
19:08
butted heads, butted heads. And I remember near
19:10
the end toward the breakthrough and God did an
19:12
amazing thing. Everything he did, I assumed was
19:14
rebellion against me and challenging my authority
19:17
in God. And I remember I started thinking, you
19:20
know. He's a smart kid. He keeps doing really
19:23
dumb stuff, in my opinion. And it causes all
19:26
this conflict. And we sat down on his bed. He's
19:28
17. He lifted weights, was a big wrestler, was
19:31
a huge, big, strong kid. And I remember thinking,
19:35
there's got to be a why behind the what. And
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I pushed and I pushed and I pushed. And I'll
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never forget the strapping, big, muscular guy
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breaks down and balls like a baby in his bedroom.
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And the why behind the what was not as much rebellion
19:49
as it was fear. And it was scared to death at
19:52
not measuring up. And you know, as a parent,
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don't you as a parent deal differently with a
19:58
child who's afraid than a child who rebels? Become
20:02
a student of the why behind the what of people's
20:05
behavior. Second, choose to ask this question.
20:08
What is the most generous explanation for their
20:11
behavior? When your mate or friend does something
20:14
that really bugs you, ask yourself, what's the
20:16
most generous explanation? And really what that
20:19
means is, you're saying, they're behaving in
20:22
a way that makes sense to them. I don't understand
20:24
it, and it may have hurt me, but what's the most
20:27
generous explanation? See, the harshest explanation
20:31
from a friend who's a Christian leader was he's
20:34
arrogant, he's a jerk, he used me, he's insensitive.
20:39
And he is unwilling to address hard issues, which
20:43
tells me he has lack of integrity. That's my
20:45
harsh assessment. The most generous assessment
20:48
is, why would a good, godly leader of a great
20:53
organization act in a way that is so contrary
20:56
to everything that I know of him? Do you see
20:59
the difference? The approach is completely different.
21:03
So ask yourself when, with one of your kids or
21:07
with your mom or dad or with a business associate
21:09
or even with a neighbor, ask yourself in relationships,
21:13
hmm, you know what, I don't know what's going
21:16
on here, but this makes sense to them. You're
21:21
listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram
21:23
and a message titled Everyone Acts in a Way That
21:26
Makes Sense to Them. And in case you ever miss
21:29
one of these daily messages, let me remind you
21:32
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21:35
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miss a message, be sure to subscribe to the Living
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on the Edge podcast wherever you listen. Aaron
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Pierce wrote his book titled Not Beyond Reach
21:52
out of years spent building friendships with
21:55
secular young people who'd already written off
21:57
the church. His book walks you through a simple
22:00
three -part framework, building genuine friendship,
22:03
having honest spiritual conversations, and finally
22:07
sharing the gospel itself. So you're never guessing
22:10
what to say or when to say it. So get your copy
22:13
of the book, Not Beyond Reach, at a special price
22:15
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22:20
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22:26
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Just go to livingontheedge .org or call our team
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Suwannee, Georgia 30024. Well, now here's Chip
22:54
Ingram. As we close today's teaching. I want
22:57
you to really pause right this moment. I don't
22:59
care if you're driving in the car, you're on
23:01
the treadmill, whatever's going on right now.
23:03
I want you to think about what relationship,
23:07
what person in your life is just a perpetual
23:11
relationship challenge, right? I mean, they just
23:15
keep doing things or saying things that just
23:18
frustrate you. Is it your mate? Is it one of
23:21
your kids? Is it one of your parents? Is it a
23:24
coworker? Is it someone at church? I mean, you
23:27
know, you just keep finding yourself frustrated
23:30
with this person. And instead of blaming, instead
23:34
of accusing, instead of having sleepless nights,
23:37
let's just kind of play a little game. What's
23:40
the most generous explanation that you could
23:44
have of their behavior? Why? Because they're
23:47
actually acting in a way that makes sense to
23:50
them. And so often what happens is we experience
23:53
people's behavior and it literally makes no sense.
23:56
And we do get mad and we do react. And often
23:59
how we react escalates the problem instead of
24:02
making it better. And if you could learn this
24:05
little principle, and by the way, it takes discipline.
24:08
You sort of have to pause and then you sort of
24:11
play a little game where you say, OK, if I had
24:14
to make up an explanation or two. For why this
24:17
person would keep saying this when they know
24:19
it makes me nuts, what would it be? And when
24:23
you do that, you'll be amazed how it will change
24:27
your thinking and then change how you relate
24:29
to someone. My point is, we all act in a way
24:33
that makes sense to us. And if you get behind
24:35
that, understand the person. It is the first
24:39
step toward resolving some really big problem
24:42
relationships. That's Chip Ingram and the end
24:45
of today's program. Join us next time as we continue
24:48
our series, Caring Enough to Connect, here on
24:50
Living on the Edge. Today's program is produced
24:56
and sponsored by Living on the Edge.