Latest / Adult Child of Dysfunction / E 270: Maybe You Brought the Ick Into The Relationship

Transcript

E 270: Maybe You Brought the Ick Into The Relationship · Adult Child of Dysfunction

• 0:47
  Well,
• 0:47
  hello,
• 0:48
  everybody,
• 0:48
  and
• 0:48
  welcome
• 0:49
  back
• 0:49
  to
• 0:49
  another
• 0:49
  episode.
• 0:50
  So
• 0:51
  if
• 0:51
  you're
• 0:51
  here,
• 0:51
  you
• 0:51
  already
• 0:52
  know
• 0:52
  that
• 0:52
  the
• 0:52
  podcast
• 0:53
  is
• 0:53
  about.
• 0:53
  It's
• 0:54
  not
• 0:54
  about
• 0:54
  blaming,
• 0:55
  fixing,
• 0:55
  shaming.
• 0:56
  It's
• 0:57
  about
• 0:57
  understanding
• 0:57
  so
• 0:58
  we
• 0:58
  can
• 0:58
  actually
• 0:58
  heal
• 0:59
  instead
• 0:59
  of
• 0:59
  repeating
• 1:00
  the
• 1:00
  same
• 1:00
  cycles
• 1:00
  over
• 1:01
  and
• 1:01
  over
• 1:01
  and
• 1:01
  over
• 1:01
  again.
• 1:02
  So
• 1:02
  today
• 1:03
  I
• 1:03
  want
• 1:03
  to
• 1:03
  talk
• 1:03
  about
• 1:04
  something
• 1:04
  again,
• 1:04
  kind
• 1:05
  of
• 1:05
  vulnerable,
• 1:05
  but
• 1:05
  something
• 1:06
  that
• 1:06
  almost
• 1:06
  nobody
• 1:07
  talks
• 1:07
  about
• 1:07
  openly,
• 1:08
  but
• 1:08
  a
• 1:08
  lot
• 1:08
  of
• 1:08
  people
• 1:08
  honestly
• 1:09
  are
• 1:09
  feeling
• 1:10
  it.
• 1:10
  It's
• 1:10
  that
• 1:11
  quiet,
• 1:11
  uncomfortable
• 1:12
  ick
• 1:13
  that
• 1:13
  creeps
• 1:14
  into
• 1:14
  relationships.
• 1:15
  So
• 1:15
  it's
• 1:15
  when
• 1:15
  you've
• 1:16
  been
• 1:16
  married
• 1:16
  5,
• 1:17
  10,
• 1:17
  15,
• 1:17
  20,
• 1:18
  25
• 1:18
  years,
• 1:18
  or
• 1:19
  you've
• 1:19
  been
• 1:19
  dating
• 1:19
  someone
• 1:19
  for
• 1:20
  years,
• 1:20
  even
• 1:21
  if
• 1:21
  you're
• 1:21
  not
• 1:21
  married,
• 1:22
  it's
• 1:22
  those
• 1:22
  things
• 1:23
  that
• 1:23
  sneak
• 1:23
  in.
• 1:23
  It's
• 1:24
  resentment,
• 1:24
  irritation,
• 1:25
  numbness,
• 1:26
  shutdown.
• 1:28
  It's
• 1:28
  that
• 1:28
  feeling
• 1:29
  of,
• 1:29
  oh,
• 1:29
  my
• 1:29
  God,
• 1:30
  why
• 1:30
  does
• 1:30
  everything
• 1:31
  they
• 1:31
  do
• 1:31
  suddenly
• 1:32
  bother
• 1:32
  me?
• 1:33
  It's
• 1:33
  what
• 1:33
  I
• 1:33
  call
• 1:34
  just
• 1:34
  simply
• 1:34
  the
• 1:34
  ick.
• 1:35
  And
• 1:35
  I
• 1:35
  want
• 1:36
  to
• 1:36
  say
• 1:36
  this
• 1:36
  right
• 1:36
  up
• 1:36
  front.
• 1:37
  If
• 1:37
  you've
• 1:37
  ever
• 1:37
  felt
• 1:38
  the
• 1:38
  ick
• 1:38
  in
• 1:38
  your
• 1:38
  relationship,
• 1:39
  it
• 1:39
  doesn't
• 1:39
  mean
• 1:39
  you
• 1:40
  choose
• 1:40
  wrong.
• 1:41
  It
• 1:41
  doesn't
• 1:41
  mean
• 1:41
  that
• 1:42
  you're
• 1:42
  falling
• 1:42
  out
• 1:42
  of
• 1:43
  love.
• 1:43
  It
• 1:43
  doesn't
• 1:43
  mean
• 1:43
  it's
• 1:43
  over.
• 1:44
  It
• 1:44
  doesn't
• 1:44
  mean
• 1:44
  you
• 1:45
  are
• 1:45
  broken
• 1:46
  most
• 1:46
  of
• 1:47
  the
• 1:47
  time.
• 1:47
  What
• 1:47
  it
• 1:47
  honestly
• 1:48
  means.
• 1:48
  And
• 1:48
  if
• 1:48
  we're
• 1:49
  going
• 1:49
  back
• 1:49
  to
• 1:49
  everything
• 1:49
  we
• 1:50
  talk
• 1:50
  about
• 1:50
  in
• 1:50
  this
• 1:50
  podcast,
• 1:51
  it
• 1:51
  means
• 1:52
  your
• 1:52
  nervous
• 1:52
  system
• 1:52
  is
• 1:53
  flat
• 1:53
  out
• 1:53
  exhausted.
• 1:55
  So
• 1:55
  in
• 1:55
  the
• 1:55
  latest
• 1:55
  episode
• 1:56
  we
• 1:56
  did
• 1:56
  with
• 1:56
  Brian
• 1:57
  Power,
• 1:57
  we
• 1:57
  talked
• 1:58
  a
• 1:58
  lot
• 1:58
  about
• 1:59
  relationships.
• 2:00
  We
• 2:00
  talked
• 2:00
  about
• 2:01
  attachment
• 2:01
  styles
• 2:02
  and
• 2:02
  communication
• 2:02
  and
• 2:03
  boundaries.
• 2:03
  And
• 2:04
  honestly,
• 2:04
  we
• 2:04
  talked
• 2:05
  a
• 2:05
  lot
• 2:05
  about
• 2:05
  the
• 2:05
  skills
• 2:05
  that
• 2:06
  most
• 2:06
  of
• 2:06
  us
• 2:06
  were
• 2:06
  never
• 2:07
  taught
• 2:07
  growing
• 2:07
  up
• 2:07
  in
• 2:08
  dysfunction
• 2:08
  and
• 2:09
  all
• 2:09
  of
• 2:09
  that
• 2:09
  matters.
• 2:10
  And
• 2:10
  it
• 2:10
  matters
• 2:11
  a
• 2:11
  lot.
• 2:12
  But
• 2:12
  today,
• 2:12
  I
• 2:12
  want
• 2:12
  to
• 2:12
  come
• 2:13
  at
• 2:13
  it
• 2:13
  from
• 2:13
  a
• 2:13
  little
• 2:13
  bit
• 2:13
  different
• 2:14
  of
• 2:14
  an
• 2:14
  angle,
• 2:14
  because
• 2:15
  here's
• 2:15
  what
• 2:16
  I
• 2:16
  see
• 2:16
  all
• 2:16
  over
• 2:17
  again
• 2:17
  with
• 2:17
  people
• 2:18
  in
• 2:18
  my
• 2:18
  line
• 2:19
  of
• 2:19
  work
• 2:19
  and
• 2:19
  the
• 2:19
  people
• 2:19
  that
• 2:20
  I
• 2:20
  work
• 2:20
  with
• 2:20
  and
• 2:20
  the
• 2:20
  people
• 2:21
  I
• 2:21
  talk
• 2:21
  to
• 2:21
  on
• 2:21
  a
• 2:21
  regular
• 2:22
  basis.
• 2:22
  We
• 2:23
  understand
• 2:23
  attachment
• 2:24
  theory.
• 2:24
  They
• 2:24
  understand
• 2:25
  communication,
• 2:26
  they
• 2:26
  understand
• 2:27
  boundaries,
• 2:28
  but
• 2:29
  yet
• 2:29
  their
• 2:29
  body
• 2:31
  reacts.
• 2:31
  It
• 2:31
  still
• 2:32
  reacts.
• 2:32
  So
• 2:33
  logically,
• 2:33
  while
• 2:33
  they
• 2:34
  understand
• 2:34
  all
• 2:34
  of
• 2:34
  this,
• 2:35
  they
• 2:36
  can't
• 2:36
  stop
• 2:36
  their
• 2:36
  body
• 2:37
  from
• 2:37
  reacting,
• 2:38
  and
• 2:38
  it
• 2:38
  shuts
• 2:39
  down.
• 2:39
  The
• 2:40
  attraction's
• 2:40
  gone.
• 2:41
  They
• 2:42
  honestly,
• 2:42
  sometimes
• 2:43
  even
• 2:43
  physical
• 2:44
  touch
• 2:44
  is
• 2:44
  just
• 2:45
  irritating.
• 2:45
  Their
• 2:46
  tolerance
• 2:46
  is
• 2:46
  gone,
• 2:47
  their
• 2:47
  patience
• 2:47
  is
• 2:48
  gone.
• 2:48
  And
• 2:49
  being
• 2:49
  that
• 2:50
  they
• 2:50
  came
• 2:50
  from
• 2:50
  this
• 2:51
  line
• 2:51
  of
• 2:52
  dysfunction
• 2:52
  and
• 2:52
  these
• 2:53
  habits
• 2:53
  of
• 2:53
  dysfunction,
• 2:54
  what
• 2:54
  is
• 2:54
  the
• 2:55
  first
• 2:55
  thing
• 2:55
  they
• 2:55
  think?
• 2:55
  What
• 2:56
  is
• 2:56
  the
• 2:56
  first
• 2:56
  thing
• 2:56
  that
• 2:56
  you
• 2:57
  might
• 2:57
  think?
• 2:58
  You
• 2:58
  think,
• 2:58
  what
• 2:58
  is
• 2:59
  wrong
• 2:59
  with
• 2:59
  me?
• 3:01
  And
• 3:01
  honestly,
• 3:02
  nothing's
• 3:02
  wrong
• 3:02
  with
• 3:02
  you.
• 3:03
  It's
• 3:03
  your
• 3:03
  body,
• 3:04
  and
• 3:04
  it's
• 3:04
  your
• 3:04
  body
• 3:05
  trying
• 3:05
  to
• 3:05
  tell
• 3:05
  you
• 3:05
  something.
• 3:07
  So
• 3:07
  what
• 3:07
  is
• 3:07
  the
• 3:07
  ick?
• 3:08
  Let's
• 3:08
  talk
• 3:08
  about
• 3:08
  what
• 3:08
  the
• 3:08
  ick
• 3:09
  is.
• 3:10
  Well,
• 3:10
  first
• 3:10
  of
• 3:10
  all,
• 3:11
  let's
• 3:11
  talk
• 3:11
  about
• 3:11
  what
• 3:11
  it's
• 3:11
  not.
• 3:11
  It's
• 3:12
  not
• 3:12
  a
• 3:12
  personality
• 3:12
  flaw.
• 3:13
  It's
• 3:13
  not
• 3:13
  immaturity.
• 3:14
  It's
• 3:15
  not
• 3:15
  you
• 3:15
  being
• 3:15
  overly
• 3:16
  dramatic.
• 3:17
  I'm
• 3:18
  going
• 3:18
  to
• 3:18
  talk
• 3:18
  about
• 3:18
  it
• 3:18
  as
• 3:19
  the
• 3:19
  stored
• 3:19
  unprocessed
• 3:20
  stress
• 3:21
  that
• 3:22
  literally
• 3:22
  has
• 3:23
  nowhere
• 3:23
  left
• 3:23
  to
• 3:24
  go
• 3:24
  in
• 3:24
  your
• 3:24
  body.
• 3:25
  So
• 3:26
  it's
• 3:27
  the
• 3:27
  tightness,
• 3:27
  it's
• 3:28
  the
• 3:28
  clenching,
• 3:28
  it's
• 3:29
  that
• 3:29
  frustration
• 3:29
  of,
• 3:30
  oh,
• 3:30
  I'm
• 3:30
  just.
• 3:30
  I
• 3:30
  just
• 3:31
  don't
• 3:31
  know
• 3:32
  what
• 3:33
  I
• 3:33
  want
• 3:33
  to
• 3:33
  do.
• 3:34
  Or
• 3:34
  nothing
• 3:35
  bad
• 3:35
  has
• 3:35
  happened
• 3:36
  or
• 3:36
  they
• 3:37
  didn't
• 3:37
  cheat
• 3:37
  on
• 3:37
  me,
• 3:37
  they
• 3:38
  didn't
• 3:38
  abuse
• 3:38
  me,
• 3:38
  they're
• 3:39
  good
• 3:39
  person.
• 3:40
  Why
• 3:40
  do
• 3:40
  I
• 3:41
  still
• 3:41
  feel
• 3:41
  this
• 3:41
  way?
• 3:43
  Because
• 3:43
  honestly,
• 3:44
  all
• 3:44
  of
• 3:45
  this
• 3:45
  can
• 3:45
  be
• 3:45
  true
• 3:45
  and
• 3:45
  they
• 3:46
  can
• 3:46
  be
• 3:46
  the
• 3:46
  best
• 3:46
  person
• 3:46
  in
• 3:47
  the
• 3:47
  world,
• 3:47
  but
• 3:48
  your
• 3:48
  body
• 3:48
  can
• 3:48
  still
• 3:48
  feel
• 3:49
  unsafe.
• 3:50
  It
• 3:50
  can
• 3:50
  still
• 3:50
  feel
• 3:51
  unsafe
• 3:51
  because
• 3:51
  it's
• 3:52
  still
• 3:52
  dealing
• 3:52
  with
• 3:52
  unprocessed
• 3:53
  emotions.
• 3:54
  And
• 3:55
  your
• 3:55
  brain
• 3:55
  does
• 3:55
  not
• 3:56
  know
• 3:56
  the
• 3:56
  difference
• 3:57
  between
• 3:57
  here,
• 3:57
  now,
• 3:57
  then
• 3:58
  when
• 3:58
  doesn't
• 3:59
  know
• 3:59
  the
• 3:59
  difference.
• 4:00
  So
• 4:00
  even
• 4:01
  though
• 4:01
  you're
• 4:01
  reacting
• 4:02
  to
• 4:02
  something
• 4:02
  that
• 4:03
  could
• 4:04
  have
• 4:04
  been
• 4:04
  implanted
• 4:05
  in
• 4:05
  you
• 4:06
  35
• 4:06
  years
• 4:06
  ago,
• 4:07
  you're
• 4:08
  thinking
• 4:08
  it's
• 4:08
  right
• 4:08
  now.
• 4:09
  You're
• 4:09
  thinking
• 4:09
  it's
• 4:09
  here
• 4:10
  and
• 4:10
  now,
• 4:10
  and
• 4:10
  you're
• 4:10
  thinking
• 4:11
  it's
• 4:11
  that
• 4:11
  other
• 4:11
  person.
• 4:13
  The
• 4:13
  other
• 4:14
  day,
• 4:14
  Brian
• 4:14
  talked
• 4:14
  about
• 4:15
  something
• 4:15
  that
• 4:15
  really
• 4:16
  stuck
• 4:16
  with
• 4:16
  me.
• 4:16
  And
• 4:17
  I
• 4:18
  thought
• 4:18
  about
• 4:18
  it
• 4:18
  over
• 4:18
  and
• 4:19
  over
• 4:19
  again
• 4:19
  and
• 4:19
  I
• 4:19
  wanted
• 4:20
  to
• 4:20
  try
• 4:20
  to
• 4:20
  see
• 4:20
  how
• 4:20
  I
• 4:20
  could
• 4:21
  maybe
• 4:21
  reframe
• 4:22
  it
• 4:23
  for
• 4:24
  you
• 4:24
  guys.
• 4:25
  He
• 4:25
  talked
• 4:25
  about
• 4:26
  the
• 4:26
  death
• 4:27
  by
• 4:27
  a
• 4:27
  thousand
• 4:27
  paper
• 4:28
  cuts.
• 4:28
  And
• 4:29
  so
• 4:29
  I'm
• 4:29
  going
• 4:29
  to
• 4:29
  reframe
• 4:30
  that
• 4:30
  a
• 4:30
  little
• 4:30
  bit
• 4:31
  because
• 4:31
  it
• 4:31
  really,
• 4:31
  really,
• 4:32
  really
• 4:32
  is.
• 4:33
  And
• 4:33
  I
• 4:33
  was
• 4:34
  trying
• 4:34
  to
• 4:34
  picture
• 4:34
  what
• 4:34
  are
• 4:34
  those
• 4:35
  thousand
• 4:35
  paper
• 4:35
  cuts
• 4:37
  when
• 4:37
  you're
• 4:37
  stuck
• 4:38
  in
• 4:38
  dysregulation.
• 4:40
  So
• 4:40
  let's
• 4:41
  reframe
• 4:41
  it
• 4:41
  as
• 4:41
  death
• 4:42
  by
• 4:42
  a
• 4:42
  thousand
• 4:43
  unprocessed
• 4:43
  nervous
• 4:44
  system
• 4:44
  responses.
• 4:45
  It's
• 4:45
  the
• 4:46
  things
• 4:46
  you
• 4:46
  didn't
• 4:46
  say,
• 4:47
  it's
• 4:47
  the
• 4:47
  needs
• 4:48
  that
• 4:48
  you
• 4:48
  had
• 4:48
  that
• 4:49
  you
• 4:49
  minimized
• 4:49
  or
• 4:49
  pushed
• 4:50
  off
• 4:50
  to
• 4:50
  the
• 4:50
  side.
• 4:51
  It's
• 4:51
  the
• 4:51
  boundaries
• 4:52
  that
• 4:52
  you
• 4:52
  didn't
• 4:52
  know
• 4:52
  how
• 4:53
  to
• 4:53
  set
• 4:53
  or
• 4:53
  the
• 4:53
  ones
• 4:53
  that
• 4:53
  you
• 4:54
  set
• 4:54
  and
• 4:54
  that
• 4:54
  were
• 4:54
  so
• 4:54
  violently
• 4:55
  violated
• 4:56
  that
• 4:57
  you
• 4:57
  ignored
• 4:58
  them.
• 4:58
  It's
• 4:59
  the
• 4:59
  emotions
• 4:59
  that
• 5:00
  you
• 5:00
  didn't
• 5:00
  feel
• 5:00
  safe
• 5:00
  expressing.
• 5:02
  Those
• 5:02
  are
• 5:03
  the
• 5:03
  death
• 5:03
  by
• 5:03
  a
• 5:03
  thousand
• 5:03
  paper
• 5:04
  cuts
• 5:04
  that
• 5:04
  Brian's
• 5:05
  talking
• 5:05
  about.
• 5:05
  And
• 5:06
  I'm
• 5:06
  putting
• 5:06
  it
• 5:06
  into
• 5:07
  nervous
• 5:07
  system
• 5:08
  talk.
• 5:09
  So
• 5:09
  eventually
• 5:10
  your
• 5:10
  nervous
• 5:11
  system
• 5:12
  starts
• 5:12
  to
• 5:12
  associate
• 5:13
  those
• 5:14
  feelings,
• 5:17
  those
• 5:17
  death
• 5:17
  by
• 5:17
  a
• 5:17
  thousand
• 5:18
  nervous
• 5:18
  system
• 5:18
  unresolved
• 5:20
  responses,
• 5:21
  not
• 5:21
  with
• 5:21
  love,
• 5:21
  but
• 5:22
  with
• 5:22
  depletion.
• 5:25
  And
• 5:25
  that's
• 5:26
  when
• 5:26
  the
• 5:26
  ick
• 5:26
  shows
• 5:27
  up.
• 5:28
  So
• 5:29
  I
• 5:29
  hate
• 5:29
  to
• 5:30
  say
• 5:30
  this
• 5:30
  because
• 5:30
  I
• 5:31
  know
• 5:31
  part
• 5:31
  of
• 5:31
  healing
• 5:32
  is
• 5:32
  honestly
• 5:32
  looking
• 5:33
  at
• 5:33
  what
• 5:33
  our
• 5:34
  part
• 5:34
  in
• 5:34
  this
• 5:34
  is,
• 5:36
  but
• 5:37
  and
• 5:37
  this
• 5:38
  might
• 5:38
  be
• 5:38
  honestly
• 5:38
  a
• 5:39
  little
• 5:39
  uncomfortable.
• 5:40
  And
• 5:40
  I'm
• 5:40
  saying
• 5:40
  it
• 5:40
  with
• 5:41
  compassion.
• 5:41
  I'm
• 5:41
  not
• 5:41
  judging,
• 5:42
  I'm
• 5:42
  saying
• 5:42
  it
• 5:42
  out
• 5:43
  of
• 5:43
  love.
• 5:45
  But
• 5:45
  a
• 5:45
  lot
• 5:45
  of
• 5:46
  times
• 5:46
  we
• 5:46
  brought
• 5:46
  this
• 5:47
  ick
• 5:47
  into
• 5:47
  the
• 5:48
  relationship.
• 5:49
  Most
• 5:49
  of
• 5:49
  us
• 5:50
  did
• 5:50
  not
• 5:50
  enter
• 5:50
  our
• 5:51
  marriages
• 5:51
  healed,
• 5:52
  regulated,
• 5:52
  or
• 5:53
  even
• 5:53
  self
• 5:53
  aware,
• 5:54
  honestly.
• 5:55
  I
• 5:55
  know
• 5:56
  I
• 5:56
  did.
• 5:56
  I
• 5:56
  brought
• 5:56
  in
• 5:57
  survival
• 5:57
  patterns,
• 5:58
  I
• 5:58
  brought
• 5:58
  in
• 5:58
  childhood
• 5:59
  conditioning,
• 5:59
  I
• 5:59
  brought
• 6:00
  in
• 6:00
  a
• 6:00
  nervous
• 6:00
  system
• 6:00
  trained
• 6:01
  for
• 6:01
  chaos,
• 6:02
  not
• 6:02
  connection.
• 6:04
  So
• 6:04
  what
• 6:05
  did
• 6:05
  you
• 6:05
  bring
• 6:05
  into
• 6:05
  your,
• 6:06
  into
• 6:06
  your
• 6:06
  relationship?
• 6:07
  I
• 6:08
  can
• 6:08
  go
• 6:08
  on
• 6:08
  with
• 6:08
  the
• 6:08
  things
• 6:08
  that
• 6:09
  I
• 6:09
  brought
• 6:09
  into
• 6:09
  mind.
• 6:10
  I
• 6:10
  brought
• 6:10
  in
• 6:10
  people
• 6:10
  pleasing,
• 6:11
  I
• 6:11
  brought
• 6:12
  in,
• 6:12
  I
• 6:12
  brought
• 6:12
  in
• 6:12
  emotional
• 6:13
  shutdown,
• 6:13
  I
• 6:14
  brought
• 6:14
  in
• 6:14
  hyper
• 6:14
  independence
• 6:15
  and
• 6:16
  I
• 6:16
  brought
• 6:16
  in
• 6:16
  over
• 6:17
  functioning.
• 6:17
  And
• 6:18
  at
• 6:18
  the
• 6:18
  end
• 6:18
  of
• 6:18
  the
• 6:18
  day,
• 6:19
  I
• 6:19
  brought
• 6:19
  in
• 6:19
  resentment.
• 6:20
  And
• 6:21
  it
• 6:21
  doesn't
• 6:21
  make
• 6:21
  me
• 6:21
  bad.
• 6:22
  It
• 6:22
  doesn't
• 6:22
  make
• 6:22
  you
• 6:22
  bad,
• 6:23
  right?
• 6:23
  Wrong.
• 6:24
  It
• 6:24
  makes
• 6:24
  us
• 6:25
  human,
• 6:25
  honestly.
• 6:26
  But
• 6:27
  when
• 6:27
  the
• 6:27
  patterns
• 6:28
  go
• 6:28
  and
• 6:28
  we
• 6:28
  don't
• 6:28
  examine
• 6:29
  them
• 6:29
  and
• 6:30
  we
• 6:30
  don't
• 6:30
  process
• 6:31
  them
• 6:31
  and
• 6:31
  we
• 6:31
  don't
• 6:32
  figure
• 6:32
  out
• 6:32
  that
• 6:32
  they're
• 6:33
  even
• 6:33
  patterns
• 6:34
  and
• 6:34
  they
• 6:34
  don't,
• 6:34
  we
• 6:34
  don't
• 6:34
  realize
• 6:35
  they're
• 6:35
  running
• 6:35
  our
• 6:35
  life,
• 6:36
  what
• 6:37
  does
• 6:37
  it
• 6:37
  turn
• 6:37
  into?
• 6:38
  It
• 6:38
  turns
• 6:39
  into
• 6:39
  irritation,
• 6:41
  distance,
• 6:41
  animosity,
• 6:42
  anger,
• 6:43
  resentment.
• 6:44
  That's
• 6:44
  what
• 6:44
  it
• 6:44
  turns
• 6:45
  into.
• 6:45
  And
• 6:45
  that's
• 6:46
  what
• 6:46
  I'm
• 6:46
  talking
• 6:46
  about
• 6:46
  when
• 6:47
  I
• 6:47
  say
• 6:47
  the
• 6:47
  ick.
• 6:49
  So
• 6:49
  really,
• 6:49
  what's
• 6:50
  happened?
• 6:50
  Honestly,
• 6:51
  when
• 6:51
  you
• 6:51
  come
• 6:52
  into
• 6:52
  a
• 6:52
  relationship
• 6:53
  that
• 6:53
  dysregulated,
• 6:55
  your
• 6:55
  body
• 6:57
  turns
• 6:58
  the
• 6:58
  partner
• 6:59
  into
• 6:59
  the
• 6:59
  threat,
• 7:00
  even
• 7:00
  if
• 7:00
  they
• 7:00
  never
• 7:00
  did
• 7:01
  anything
• 7:01
  wrong.
• 7:03
  You
• 7:03
  cannot
• 7:03
  talk
• 7:04
  your
• 7:04
  way
• 7:04
  out
• 7:04
  of
• 7:04
  a
• 7:04
  dysregulated
• 7:05
  nervous
• 7:05
  system.
• 7:06
  You
• 7:06
  cannot
• 7:06
  logic
• 7:07
  yourself
• 7:08
  into
• 7:08
  desire.
• 7:09
  You
• 7:09
  can't
• 7:10
  just
• 7:10
  say,
• 7:10
  I
• 7:10
  should
• 7:11
  love
• 7:11
  this
• 7:11
  person,
• 7:11
  I
• 7:11
  should
• 7:12
  feel
• 7:12
  this
• 7:12
  person,
• 7:12
  I
• 7:13
  should
• 7:13
  feel
• 7:13
  this.
• 7:14
  You
• 7:14
  cannot
• 7:15
  force
• 7:15
  your
• 7:15
  body
• 7:16
  into
• 7:16
  doing
• 7:16
  that.
• 7:16
  The
• 7:17
  more
• 7:17
  you
• 7:17
  do
• 7:17
  that,
• 7:18
  the
• 7:18
  more
• 7:18
  stress,
• 7:18
  anxiety,
• 7:19
  panic
• 7:20
  that
• 7:20
  you're
• 7:20
  going
• 7:20
  to
• 7:20
  create
• 7:21
  for
• 7:21
  your
• 7:21
  body.
• 7:23
  Your
• 7:23
  nervous
• 7:24
  system
• 7:24
  really
• 7:24
  was
• 7:26
  designed
• 7:26
  to
• 7:27
  protect
• 7:27
  you.
• 7:27
  And
• 7:28
  it
• 7:28
  came
• 7:28
  up
• 7:28
  with
• 7:29
  these
• 7:29
  memories.
• 7:30
  It
• 7:31
  started
• 7:31
  to
• 7:31
  read
• 7:31
  tones
• 7:32
  and
• 7:32
  energy
• 7:32
  and
• 7:33
  little
• 7:33
  conflicts
• 7:34
  and
• 7:34
  unspoken
• 7:35
  resentment.
• 7:36
  And
• 7:36
  so
• 7:37
  eventually,
• 7:37
  after
• 7:38
  all
• 7:38
  of
• 7:38
  that
• 7:39
  and
• 7:39
  every
• 7:39
  single
• 7:40
  glitch
• 7:41
  or
• 7:41
  every
• 7:41
  single
• 7:41
  tightening
• 7:42
  of
• 7:42
  your
• 7:42
  nervous
• 7:43
  system
• 7:43
  and
• 7:43
  of
• 7:43
  your
• 7:44
  body,
• 7:44
  eventually
• 7:45
  your
• 7:45
  body
• 7:45
  just
• 7:46
  says,
• 7:46
  I
• 7:46
  don't
• 7:46
  feel
• 7:46
  safe
• 7:47
  anymore.
• 7:48
  And
• 7:48
  it
• 7:48
  looks
• 7:49
  out.
• 7:49
  And
• 7:49
  what
• 7:49
  is
• 7:49
  the
• 7:50
  first
• 7:50
  person
• 7:50
  it
• 7:50
  sees?
• 7:52
  Your
• 7:52
  partner.
• 7:53
  So
• 7:53
  this
• 7:53
  isn't
• 7:53
  because
• 7:53
  your
• 7:54
  partner's
• 7:54
  bad.
• 7:55
  It's
• 7:55
  because
• 7:55
  your
• 7:55
  nervous
• 7:56
  system
• 7:56
  is
• 7:56
  overloaded.
• 7:58
  That's
• 7:58
  when
• 7:58
  you
• 7:58
  stop
• 7:59
  being
• 7:59
  attracted.
• 8:00
  That's
• 8:00
  when
• 8:00
  the
• 8:00
  touch
• 8:00
  starts
• 8:01
  to
• 8:01
  feel
• 8:01
  irritating.
• 8:02
  And
• 8:02
  that's
• 8:02
  when
• 8:02
  the
• 8:02
  distance,
• 8:03
  honestly,
• 8:03
  sometimes
• 8:04
  feels
• 8:04
  like
• 8:04
  relief
• 8:05
  and
• 8:05
  people
• 8:06
  panic
• 8:06
  because
• 8:07
  they
• 8:07
  still
• 8:07
  love
• 8:07
  their
• 8:07
  partner.
• 8:09
  But
• 8:09
  I
• 8:09
  want
• 8:09
  to
• 8:09
  tell
• 8:09
  you
• 8:09
  something.
• 8:10
  Running
• 8:11
  away
• 8:11
  is
• 8:11
  not
• 8:12
  going
• 8:12
  to
• 8:12
  help
• 8:12
  it.
• 8:13
  Let's
• 8:13
  just
• 8:13
  Honestly,
• 8:14
  let's
• 8:14
  talk
• 8:14
  about
• 8:15
  why
• 8:15
  getting
• 8:15
  over
• 8:15
  it
• 8:15
  or
• 8:16
  starting
• 8:16
  over
• 8:16
  doesn't
• 8:17
  just
• 8:17
  fix
• 8:17
  it.
• 8:19
  So
• 8:19
  many
• 8:19
  people
• 8:20
  get
• 8:20
  there
• 8:20
  and
• 8:20
  then
• 8:20
  they
• 8:21
  think
• 8:21
  maybe
• 8:21
  it's
• 8:21
  just
• 8:21
  the
• 8:21
  wrong
• 8:22
  person,
• 8:22
  and
• 8:22
  they
• 8:23
  leave
• 8:23
  and
• 8:23
  they
• 8:23
  start
• 8:23
  over
• 8:24
  again.
• 8:24
  They
• 8:24
  find
• 8:24
  chemistry
• 8:25
  again
• 8:25
  with
• 8:25
  someone
• 8:26
  else,
• 8:26
  and
• 8:26
  then
• 8:26
  months
• 8:26
  or
• 8:27
  years
• 8:27
  later,
• 8:28
  their
• 8:28
  same
• 8:29
  feelings
• 8:29
  come
• 8:29
  back
• 8:30
  again.
• 8:31
  Different
• 8:31
  face,
• 8:32
  same
• 8:32
  nervous
• 8:33
  system
• 8:33
  pattern.
• 8:34
  Because
• 8:35
  if
• 8:35
  you
• 8:35
  don't
• 8:35
  process
• 8:35
  what
• 8:36
  your
• 8:36
  body
• 8:36
  learned
• 8:36
  in
• 8:36
  the
• 8:37
  last
• 8:37
  relationship,
• 8:38
  you'll
• 8:38
  bring
• 8:38
  it
• 8:38
  into
• 8:39
  the
• 8:39
  next
• 8:39
  one.
• 8:39
  Just
• 8:40
  different
• 8:40
  name,
• 8:40
  different
• 8:41
  face,
• 8:41
  different
• 8:41
  clothes,
• 8:42
  but
• 8:42
  same,
• 8:43
  same
• 8:43
  patterns.
• 8:45
  So
• 8:45
  what
• 8:45
  do
• 8:45
  you
• 8:45
  do
• 8:46
  if
• 8:46
  you're
• 8:46
  with
• 8:46
  somebody
• 8:47
  and
• 8:47
  the
• 8:47
  ick
• 8:47
  is
• 8:47
  already
• 8:48
  there?
• 8:49
  Just
• 8:49
  talk
• 8:49
  about
• 8:50
  that.
• 8:51
  That's
• 8:51
  when
• 8:51
  people
• 8:51
  panic.
• 8:52
  They
• 8:52
  think,
• 8:53
  you
• 8:53
  know,
• 8:53
  they.
• 8:53
  They
• 8:53
  think
• 8:54
  it's
• 8:54
  their
• 8:54
  fault.
• 8:54
  I
• 8:54
  shouldn't
• 8:55
  feel
• 8:55
  this
• 8:55
  way.
• 8:55
  Something's
• 8:56
  wrong
• 8:56
  with
• 8:56
  me.
• 8:57
  Maybe
• 8:57
  the
• 8:57
  relationship
• 8:58
  is
• 8:58
  just
• 8:58
  over.
• 8:59
  And
• 8:59
  I
• 8:59
  want
• 8:59
  to
• 8:59
  slow
• 9:00
  that
• 9:00
  down
• 9:00
  a
• 9:00
  bit.
• 9:00
  A
• 9:00
  bit.
• 9:01
  Because
• 9:01
  the
• 9:01
  worst
• 9:02
  thing
• 9:02
  you
• 9:02
  can
• 9:02
  do
• 9:02
  when
• 9:03
  the
• 9:03
  ick
• 9:03
  shows
• 9:04
  up,
• 9:04
  honestly,
• 9:05
  is
• 9:05
  rush
• 9:05
  to
• 9:05
  give
• 9:05
  it
• 9:06
  meaning.
• 9:06
  You
• 9:07
  can't
• 9:07
  rationalize
• 9:08
  what
• 9:08
  your
• 9:08
  body's
• 9:09
  feeling.
• 9:09
  So
• 9:10
  you.
• 9:10
  I'm
• 9:10
  going
• 9:10
  to
• 9:11
  give
• 9:11
  you
• 9:11
  a
• 9:11
  couple
• 9:11
  steps,
• 9:11
  and
• 9:12
  these
• 9:12
  are
• 9:12
  things
• 9:12
  that
• 9:12
  I
• 9:12
  kind
• 9:13
  of
• 9:13
  processed
• 9:14
  and
• 9:14
  thought
• 9:14
  about
• 9:14
  when
• 9:15
  I
• 9:15
  got
• 9:15
  off
• 9:15
  the
• 9:16
  podcast
• 9:16
  with
• 9:17
  Brian,
• 9:17
  because,
• 9:17
  wow,
• 9:18
  he
• 9:18
  was.
• 9:18
  What
• 9:19
  he
• 9:19
  said
• 9:19
  was
• 9:19
  so
• 9:20
  simple,
• 9:20
  so
• 9:21
  easy,
• 9:21
  and
• 9:22
  it
• 9:22
  made
• 9:22
  so
• 9:22
  much
• 9:23
  sense.
• 9:24
  But
• 9:24
  I
• 9:25
  wanted
• 9:25
  to
• 9:25
  put
• 9:25
  it
• 9:25
  into
• 9:25
  more
• 9:26
  of
• 9:26
  a
• 9:26
  nervous
• 9:26
  system.
• 9:28
  Eye
• 9:29
  or
• 9:29
  viewpoint,
• 9:29
  I
• 9:29
  guess
• 9:30
  you
• 9:30
  could
• 9:30
  say
• 9:30
  a
• 9:30
  lens
• 9:31
  from
• 9:31
  the
• 9:31
  nervous
• 9:31
  system.
• 9:33
  One,
• 9:33
  you
• 9:34
  have
• 9:34
  to
• 9:34
  stop
• 9:34
  interpreting
• 9:35
  the
• 9:35
  feeling.
• 9:36
  The
• 9:36
  ick
• 9:36
  ick
• 9:37
  is
• 9:37
  not
• 9:37
  a
• 9:37
  message
• 9:37
  about
• 9:38
  your
• 9:38
  partner.
• 9:38
  It's
• 9:39
  a
• 9:39
  message
• 9:39
  about
• 9:39
  your
• 9:40
  internal
• 9:40
  state.
• 9:42
  Something
• 9:42
  in
• 9:43
  your
• 9:43
  body
• 9:43
  is
• 9:43
  literally
• 9:44
  saying,
• 9:44
  I'm
• 9:44
  overwhelmed
• 9:45
  and
• 9:46
  this
• 9:46
  is
• 9:46
  unsustainable
• 9:47
  right
• 9:47
  now.
• 9:48
  Not.
• 9:49
  This
• 9:49
  relationship
• 9:50
  is
• 9:50
  doomed
• 9:50
  and
• 9:50
  I
• 9:50
  need
• 9:50
  to
• 9:51
  get
• 9:51
  out.
• 9:52
  So
• 9:52
  don't
• 9:52
  jump
• 9:53
  to
• 9:53
  confront,
• 9:54
  analyze,
• 9:54
  or
• 9:54
  make
• 9:54
  any
• 9:55
  big
• 9:55
  decisions.
• 9:55
  Just
• 9:56
  pause.
• 9:58
  Because
• 9:58
  right
• 9:58
  now
• 9:59
  what
• 9:59
  your
• 9:59
  nervous
• 9:59
  system
• 9:59
  might
• 10:00
  mean
• 10:00
  is
• 10:00
  regulation,
• 10:01
  not
• 10:01
  interpretation.
• 10:03
  So
• 10:03
  work
• 10:03
  a
• 10:04
  couple
• 10:04
  days,
• 10:04
  a
• 10:04
  couple
• 10:04
  weeks,
• 10:05
  a
• 10:05
  couple
• 10:05
  months
• 10:05
  on
• 10:06
  learning
• 10:06
  to
• 10:07
  regulate
• 10:07
  that
• 10:07
  nervous
• 10:08
  system.
• 10:09
  Two,
• 10:10
  regulate
• 10:11
  first,
• 10:11
  then
• 10:11
  reflect.
• 10:12
  You
• 10:13
  can't
• 10:13
  think
• 10:13
  clearly
• 10:14
  from
• 10:14
  a
• 10:14
  dysregulated
• 10:15
  body.
• 10:15
  How
• 10:15
  many
• 10:16
  times
• 10:16
  do
• 10:16
  we
• 10:16
  say
• 10:17
  that?
• 10:17
  When
• 10:17
  you
• 10:17
  are
• 10:17
  in
• 10:17
  that
• 10:18
  fight,
• 10:18
  flight,
• 10:18
  freeze
• 10:18
  fawn,
• 10:19
  you
• 10:20
  are
• 10:20
  not
• 10:20
  in
• 10:20
  that
• 10:20
  logical
• 10:21
  processing
• 10:21
  part
• 10:22
  of
• 10:22
  your
• 10:22
  brain.
• 10:23
  So
• 10:23
  you're
• 10:24
  in
• 10:24
  protection
• 10:24
  mode.
• 10:25
  You're
• 10:25
  not
• 10:25
  in
• 10:25
  clear,
• 10:25
  clarity
• 10:26
  mode,
• 10:26
  or
• 10:26
  you're
• 10:27
  not
• 10:27
  clear
• 10:27
  mode,
• 10:27
  or
• 10:27
  you're
• 10:28
  not
• 10:28
  in
• 10:28
  logical
• 10:28
  thinking
• 10:29
  mode.
• 10:30
  So
• 10:30
  here
• 10:30
  comes
• 10:31
  the
• 10:31
  work.
• 10:33
  Don't
• 10:33
  jump
• 10:33
  and
• 10:33
  run.
• 10:34
  Talk
• 10:35
  to
• 10:35
  yourself.
• 10:35
  How
• 10:35
  do
• 10:36
  I
• 10:36
  bring
• 10:36
  my
• 10:36
  body
• 10:36
  back
• 10:37
  into
• 10:37
  safety?
• 10:38
  And
• 10:38
  we've
• 10:39
  talked
• 10:39
  a
• 10:39
  lot
• 10:39
  about
• 10:39
  this,
• 10:40
  and
• 10:40
  this
• 10:40
  is
• 10:40
  what
• 10:40
  a
• 10:41
  lot
• 10:41
  of
• 10:41
  what
• 10:41
  I
• 10:41
  work
• 10:41
  with
• 10:42
  my
• 10:42
  People
• 10:42
  to
• 10:42
  do
• 10:43
  things
• 10:44
  like
• 10:44
  gentle
• 10:45
  movement,
• 10:45
  walking,
• 10:46
  shaking,
• 10:47
  vibrating,
• 10:47
  deep
• 10:48
  breathing,
• 10:48
  grounding,
• 10:49
  singing,
• 10:50
  dancing,
• 10:50
  whatever
• 10:51
  it
• 10:51
  is,
• 10:52
  you're
• 10:52
  not
• 10:52
  trying
• 10:52
  to
• 10:52
  force
• 10:53
  the
• 10:53
  feeling
• 10:53
  away.
• 10:55
  You're
• 10:56
  trying
• 10:56
  to
• 10:56
  be
• 10:57
  help
• 10:57
  your
• 10:57
  body
• 10:58
  become
• 10:58
  safe
• 10:59
  enough
• 11:00
  to
• 11:00
  hear
• 11:00
  what
• 11:00
  it's
• 11:01
  saying.
• 11:01
  And
• 11:02
  sometimes
• 11:02
  even
• 11:02
  those
• 11:03
  tiniest
• 11:03
  little
• 11:03
  shifts
• 11:04
  can
• 11:04
  change
• 11:04
  absolutely
• 11:05
  everything.
• 11:05
  If
• 11:05
  you're
• 11:06
  sitting
• 11:06
  there
• 11:06
  and
• 11:06
  you're
• 11:06
  talking
• 11:06
  to
• 11:07
  your
• 11:07
  partner
• 11:08
  and
• 11:08
  you're
• 11:08
  getting
• 11:08
  a
• 11:08
  little
• 11:09
  irritated
• 11:09
  and
• 11:09
  you're
• 11:09
  getting
• 11:09
  a
• 11:10
  little
• 11:10
  anxious
• 11:10
  and
• 11:10
  you're
• 11:11
  sitting
• 11:11
  in
• 11:11
  your
• 11:11
  seat
• 11:11
  and
• 11:11
  you
• 11:11
  feel
• 11:12
  your
• 11:12
  bottom
• 11:12
  clench
• 11:13
  or
• 11:13
  you
• 11:14
  feel
• 11:14
  your
• 11:14
  shoulders
• 11:14
  tense,
• 11:15
  just
• 11:16
  move
• 11:16
  back
• 11:16
  and
• 11:16
  forth
• 11:16
  a
• 11:17
  little
• 11:17
  bit,
• 11:17
  raise
• 11:17
  your
• 11:17
  shoulders,
• 11:18
  shrug
• 11:18
  your
• 11:18
  shoulders,
• 11:19
  move
• 11:19
  around,
• 11:20
  pull
• 11:21
  on
• 11:21
  your
• 11:21
  index
• 11:21
  finger.
• 11:22
  Whatever
• 11:22
  it
• 11:22
  is,
• 11:22
  just
• 11:23
  move
• 11:23
  a
• 11:23
  little
• 11:24
  bit.
• 11:25
  Sometimes
• 11:25
  those
• 11:25
  small
• 11:26
  shifts
• 11:27
  completely
• 11:27
  refocus
• 11:28
  and
• 11:28
  you
• 11:28
  can
• 11:28
  stop
• 11:29
  that
• 11:29
  thought
• 11:29
  pattern
• 11:30
  in
• 11:30
  its
• 11:31
  tracks.
• 11:32
  Step
• 11:32
  three.
• 11:33
  Name
• 11:34
  the
• 11:34
  sensation,
• 11:34
  not
• 11:35
  the
• 11:35
  story.
• 11:37
  Don't
• 11:37
  ask
• 11:37
  yourself
• 11:38
  why
• 11:38
  they
• 11:38
  annoy
• 11:38
  you
• 11:39
  now
• 11:39
  and
• 11:39
  they
• 11:39
  never
• 11:39
  did
• 11:40
  before.
• 11:41
  Ask
• 11:41
  yourself,
• 11:42
  what's
• 11:42
  happening
• 11:43
  in
• 11:43
  my
• 11:43
  body
• 11:43
  when
• 11:43
  I'm
• 11:44
  around
• 11:44
  them?
• 11:45
  Don't
• 11:45
  try
• 11:45
  to
• 11:46
  find
• 11:46
  the
• 11:46
  blame
• 11:47
  from
• 11:47
  them.
• 11:48
  Find
• 11:48
  out
• 11:48
  what's
• 11:48
  going
• 11:49
  inside
• 11:49
  of
• 11:50
  you
• 11:51
  when
• 11:51
  you're
• 11:51
  around
• 11:52
  them.
• 11:52
  What
• 11:52
  do
• 11:52
  you
• 11:53
  feel
• 11:53
  in
• 11:53
  the
• 11:53
  tightness,
• 11:54
  the
• 11:54
  clenching,
• 11:54
  the
• 11:54
  numbness,
• 11:55
  the
• 11:55
  withdrawal?
• 11:56
  Honestly,
• 11:57
  it's
• 11:57
  going
• 11:57
  that
• 11:57
  your
• 11:58
  body
• 11:58
  is
• 11:58
  going
• 11:58
  to
• 11:58
  speak
• 11:59
  in
• 11:59
  sensation
• 12:00
  way
• 12:00
  before
• 12:00
  language.
• 12:01
  And
• 12:01
  I
• 12:01
  just
• 12:01
  talked
• 12:01
  about
• 12:02
  this
• 12:02
  a
• 12:02
  couple
• 12:02
  episodes
• 12:03
  back.
• 12:03
  If
• 12:03
  you
• 12:03
  want
• 12:04
  to
• 12:04
  go
• 12:04
  back
• 12:04
  and
• 12:04
  listen
• 12:04
  there.
• 12:05
  But
• 12:06
  when
• 12:06
  you
• 12:07
  feel
• 12:07
  that
• 12:07
  in
• 12:07
  your
• 12:07
  body,
• 12:08
  just
• 12:08
  kind
• 12:08
  of
• 12:08
  stay
• 12:09
  there
• 12:09
  and
• 12:09
  just
• 12:09
  feel
• 12:10
  it.
• 12:11
  Don't
• 12:11
  place
• 12:11
  the
• 12:12
  blame.
• 12:12
  Don't
• 12:13
  say
• 12:13
  they
• 12:13
  make
• 12:13
  me
• 12:13
  tense,
• 12:14
  they
• 12:14
  make
• 12:14
  me
• 12:14
  clench.
• 12:15
  I
• 12:15
  get
• 12:15
  annoyed
• 12:16
  when
• 12:16
  I'm
• 12:16
  with
• 12:16
  them.
• 12:17
  Just
• 12:17
  feel
• 12:18
  it.
• 12:20
  Step
• 12:20
  four,
• 12:21
  look
• 12:22
  for.
• 12:22
  I
• 12:22
  call
• 12:22
  this
• 12:23
  looking
• 12:23
  for
• 12:23
  resentment
• 12:24
  that
• 12:24
  never
• 12:24
  had
• 12:24
  a
• 12:24
  voice
• 12:26
  often,
• 12:27
  so
• 12:27
  often.
• 12:28
  And
• 12:28
  I
• 12:28
  think
• 12:28
  this
• 12:28
  has
• 12:29
  happened
• 12:29
  a
• 12:29
  lot
• 12:29
  with
• 12:29
  me
• 12:30
  in
• 12:30
  all
• 12:30
  of
• 12:30
  my
• 12:30
  relationships.
• 12:32
  The
• 12:32
  ick
• 12:32
  sits
• 12:33
  on
• 12:33
  top
• 12:34
  of
• 12:34
  unexpressed
• 12:35
  resentment.
• 12:36
  So
• 12:37
  you
• 12:37
  get
• 12:37
  mad,
• 12:37
  whether
• 12:38
  it's
• 12:38
  guilty
• 12:38
  or
• 12:39
  you,
• 12:39
  you
• 12:39
  over
• 12:40
  give
• 12:40
  or
• 12:41
  you,
• 12:41
  you
• 12:41
  stifle
• 12:42
  a
• 12:42
  boundary.
• 12:42
  You
• 12:43
  under
• 12:43
  express,
• 12:44
  you
• 12:44
  abandon
• 12:45
  yourself.
• 12:47
  You
• 12:47
  say
• 12:47
  yes
• 12:47
  when
• 12:48
  your
• 12:48
  body
• 12:48
  wants
• 12:48
  to
• 12:48
  say
• 12:49
  no
• 12:50
  to
• 12:50
  keep
• 12:50
  the
• 12:50
  peace,
• 12:53
  for
• 12:53
  whatever
• 12:54
  reason
• 12:54
  you
• 12:54
  do
• 12:54
  it.
• 12:55
  The
• 12:55
  body
• 12:56
  remembers
• 12:56
  all
• 12:56
  of
• 12:57
  that.
• 12:57
  And
• 12:57
  every
• 12:58
  time
• 12:58
  you
• 12:58
  do
• 12:58
  that,
• 12:58
  it
• 12:59
  builds.
• 12:59
  It
• 12:59
  builds
• 12:59
  and
• 13:00
  builds.
• 13:00
  It
• 13:00
  builds
• 13:00
  just
• 13:00
  a
• 13:01
  tiny
• 13:01
  little
• 13:01
  little
• 13:01
  bit
• 13:02
  more.
• 13:02
  That's
• 13:02
  going
• 13:02
  back
• 13:02
  to
• 13:03
  Brian's
• 13:03
  death
• 13:04
  by
• 13:04
  a
• 13:04
  thousand
• 13:04
  paper
• 13:05
  cuts.
• 13:05
  And
• 13:06
  eventually
• 13:06
  you're
• 13:07
  going
• 13:07
  to
• 13:08
  burn
• 13:08
  out.
• 13:08
  Your
• 13:09
  body
• 13:09
  is
• 13:09
  going
• 13:09
  to
• 13:09
  basically
• 13:10
  say
• 13:10
  I
• 13:10
  can't
• 13:10
  do
• 13:10
  this
• 13:11
  anymore.
• 13:12
  And
• 13:12
  you're
• 13:12
  going
• 13:13
  to
• 13:13
  blame
• 13:13
  it
• 13:13
  on
• 13:13
  being
• 13:13
  with
• 13:14
  that
• 13:14
  person,
• 13:14
  when
• 13:14
  in
• 13:15
  reality
• 13:15
  it
• 13:15
  was
• 13:16
  all
• 13:16
  about
• 13:16
  dysregulating
• 13:17
  yourself.
• 13:19
  Step
• 13:19
  5.
• 13:20
  Do
• 13:20
  not
• 13:20
  try
• 13:21
  to
• 13:21
  reconnect
• 13:22
  from
• 13:22
  exhaustion.
• 13:23
  And
• 13:23
  I
• 13:23
  know
• 13:23
  this
• 13:24
  is
• 13:24
  very
• 13:24
  important,
• 13:24
  and
• 13:25
  we
• 13:25
  did
• 13:25
  talk
• 13:25
  about
• 13:25
  it
• 13:26
  with
• 13:26
  Brian.
• 13:27
  Forcing
• 13:27
  closeness
• 13:28
  while
• 13:28
  you're
• 13:29
  feeling
• 13:29
  unsafe
• 13:30
  only
• 13:30
  makes
• 13:30
  the
• 13:30
  ick
• 13:31
  worse.
• 13:32
  It
• 13:32
  doesn't
• 13:33
  come
• 13:33
  from
• 13:33
  effort.
• 13:34
  It
• 13:34
  doesn't
• 13:34
  come
• 13:34
  from
• 13:35
  that,
• 13:35
  you
• 13:35
  know,
• 13:35
  exciting
• 13:36
  date
• 13:36
  night
• 13:37
  that
• 13:37
  you
• 13:37
  make
• 13:37
  yourself
• 13:38
  go
• 13:38
  on.
• 13:38
  It
• 13:38
  comes
• 13:38
  from
• 13:39
  being
• 13:39
  safe
• 13:40
  and
• 13:40
  feeling
• 13:40
  safe.
• 13:42
  So
• 13:43
  sometimes
• 13:44
  a
• 13:44
  little
• 13:44
  distance
• 13:45
  might
• 13:45
  help.
• 13:46
  Sometimes
• 13:46
  the
• 13:47
  most
• 13:47
  loving
• 13:47
  thing
• 13:47
  you
• 13:48
  can
• 13:48
  do
• 13:49
  for
• 13:49
  yourself
• 13:49
  is
• 13:50
  to
• 13:50
  stop
• 13:50
  trying
• 13:51
  to
• 13:51
  fix
• 13:51
  the
• 13:51
  relationship
• 13:52
  and
• 13:52
  just
• 13:53
  start
• 13:54
  regulating
• 13:55
  your
• 13:55
  own
• 13:55
  body.
• 13:56
  And
• 13:57
  the
• 13:57
  last
• 13:57
  thing
• 13:57
  I'm
• 13:57
  going
• 13:58
  to
• 13:58
  say
• 13:58
  is,
• 13:58
  start
• 13:59
  getting
• 13:59
  curious
• 14:00
  instead
• 14:00
  of
• 14:01
  critical.
• 14:01
  And
• 14:01
  I
• 14:01
  know
• 14:01
  if
• 14:01
  you've
• 14:02
  listened
• 14:02
  to
• 14:02
  my
• 14:02
  podcast,
• 14:03
  you've
• 14:03
  heard
• 14:03
  this
• 14:03
  hundreds
• 14:04
  of
• 14:04
  times,
• 14:04
  if
• 14:04
  not
• 14:05
  more.
• 14:06
  Ask
• 14:07
  yourself,
• 14:08
  why?
• 14:09
  Why
• 14:09
  do
• 14:09
  I
• 14:09
  feel
• 14:09
  this
• 14:10
  way?
• 14:10
  Don't
• 14:10
  blame.
• 14:11
  Don't
• 14:11
  ask
• 14:11
  what's
• 14:12
  wrong
• 14:12
  with
• 14:12
  me.
• 14:13
  Just
• 14:13
  say,
• 14:13
  what
• 14:14
  is
• 14:14
  my
• 14:14
  nervous
• 14:14
  system
• 14:15
  or
• 14:15
  what
• 14:15
  is
• 14:15
  my
• 14:15
  body
• 14:16
  trying
• 14:16
  to
• 14:16
  protect
• 14:16
  me
• 14:17
  from?
• 14:18
  When
• 14:18
  you
• 14:19
  become
• 14:19
  curious,
• 14:20
  it
• 14:21
  softens
• 14:21
  the
• 14:21
  body.
• 14:22
  Criticism
• 14:23
  or
• 14:23
  getting
• 14:23
  angry
• 14:24
  at
• 14:24
  yourself
• 14:24
  tightens
• 14:25
  it,
• 14:25
  and
• 14:25
  healing
• 14:26
  happens,
• 14:27
  and
• 14:27
  transformation
• 14:28
  happens,
• 14:29
  and
• 14:29
  growth
• 14:30
  happens
• 14:30
  in
• 14:31
  the
• 14:31
  softness
• 14:32
  when
• 14:32
  you
• 14:32
  do
• 14:32
  feel
• 14:32
  safe
• 14:33
  to
• 14:33
  open
• 14:33
  up.
• 14:34
  So
• 14:34
  I
• 14:34
  know
• 14:35
  that
• 14:35
  sounds
• 14:35
  kind
• 14:36
  of
• 14:36
  simple,
• 14:37
  but
• 14:37
  I'm
• 14:37
  gonna.
• 14:37
  I'm
• 14:38
  gonna
• 14:38
  kind
• 14:38
  of
• 14:38
  go
• 14:38
  over
• 14:38
  them
• 14:39
  again
• 14:39
  one
• 14:39
  more
• 14:39
  time.
• 14:40
  But
• 14:40
  I
• 14:40
  just
• 14:40
  want
• 14:40
  you
• 14:41
  to
• 14:41
  start
• 14:41
  thinking
• 14:41
  about
• 14:41
  this,
• 14:42
  and
• 14:43
  if
• 14:43
  this
• 14:43
  is
• 14:44
  a
• 14:44
  little
• 14:44
  upsetting
• 14:45
  to
• 14:45
  you,
• 14:45
  I
• 14:45
  understand
• 14:45
  it.
• 14:46
  Because
• 14:46
  none
• 14:46
  of
• 14:47
  us
• 14:47
  want
• 14:47
  to
• 14:48
  admit
• 14:48
  or
• 14:48
  even
• 14:49
  come
• 14:49
  to
• 14:49
  terms
• 14:50
  with
• 14:50
  the
• 14:50
  fact
• 14:50
  that
• 14:50
  maybe
• 14:51
  we
• 14:51
  brought
• 14:51
  the
• 14:51
  ick
• 14:51
  into
• 14:52
  our
• 14:52
  relationship
• 14:52
  and
• 14:53
  it's
• 14:53
  not
• 14:53
  the
• 14:53
  other
• 14:53
  person.
• 14:54
  But
• 14:54
  honestly,
• 14:55
  guys,
• 14:55
  if
• 14:55
  we
• 14:55
  want
• 14:56
  to
• 14:56
  heal
• 14:56
  and
• 14:56
  you
• 14:56
  want
• 14:57
  to
• 14:57
  heal
• 14:57
  and
• 14:57
  you
• 14:57
  want
• 14:57
  to
• 14:58
  get
• 14:58
  better,
• 14:58
  and
• 14:58
  we
• 14:58
  all
• 14:59
  are
• 14:59
  out
• 14:59
  there
• 14:59
  to
• 14:59
  do
• 15:00
  that,
• 15:00
  we're
• 15:00
  all
• 15:00
  out
• 15:00
  there
• 15:01
  to
• 15:01
  do
• 15:01
  that
• 15:01
  together.
• 15:02
  You
• 15:02
  have
• 15:02
  to
• 15:02
  look
• 15:03
  at
• 15:03
  your
• 15:03
  part
• 15:03
  in
• 15:04
  this
• 15:04
  whole
• 15:04
  big
• 15:05
  picture.
• 15:05
  So
• 15:06
  number
• 15:06
  one
• 15:06
  is
• 15:06
  stop
• 15:07
  interpreting
• 15:07
  the
• 15:07
  feeling.
• 15:08
  It's
• 15:09
  not
• 15:09
  about
• 15:09
  them.
• 15:09
  It's
• 15:10
  about
• 15:10
  your
• 15:11
  internal
• 15:11
  state.
• 15:12
  Number
• 15:12
  two,
• 15:13
  regulate
• 15:13
  first,
• 15:14
  then
• 15:14
  reflect.
• 15:15
  You
• 15:15
  can't
• 15:16
  think
• 15:16
  clearly
• 15:16
  from
• 15:17
  a
• 15:17
  dysregulated
• 15:17
  body,
• 15:18
  so
• 15:18
  regulate
• 15:19
  first.
• 15:20
  Number
• 15:20
  three,
• 15:20
  name
• 15:21
  the
• 15:21
  sensation,
• 15:21
  not
• 15:22
  the
• 15:22
  story.
• 15:25
  Don't
• 15:26
  turn
• 15:26
  around
• 15:27
  immediately
• 15:28
  looking
• 15:28
  at
• 15:28
  them,
• 15:29
  but
• 15:29
  ask
• 15:29
  yourself,
• 15:29
  what
• 15:30
  is
• 15:30
  happening
• 15:30
  in
• 15:30
  my
• 15:30
  body
• 15:31
  when
• 15:31
  I'm
• 15:31
  around
• 15:31
  them.
• 15:32
  Step
• 15:32
  four,
• 15:33
  look
• 15:33
  for
• 15:33
  resentment
• 15:34
  that
• 15:34
  never
• 15:34
  had
• 15:34
  a
• 15:34
  voice.
• 15:35
  So
• 15:36
  ask
• 15:36
  yourself,
• 15:37
  what
• 15:38
  am
• 15:38
  I
• 15:38
  doing?
• 15:38
  Your
• 15:38
  body
• 15:39
  remembers
• 15:39
  this,
• 15:39
  and
• 15:40
  try
• 15:40
  to
• 15:40
  remember
• 15:40
  where
• 15:41
  that
• 15:41
  is
• 15:41
  coming
• 15:41
  from,
• 15:42
  because
• 15:42
  most
• 15:42
  likely
• 15:42
  it
• 15:43
  is
• 15:43
  not
• 15:43
  coming
• 15:43
  from
• 15:44
  the
• 15:44
  person
• 15:44
  that
• 15:44
  is
• 15:44
  standing
• 15:45
  in
• 15:45
  front
• 15:45
  of
• 15:45
  you.
• 15:46
  Step
• 15:46
  five,
• 15:46
  don't
• 15:47
  try
• 15:47
  to
• 15:47
  reconnect
• 15:47
  from
• 15:48
  exhaustion.
• 15:48
  Don't
• 15:49
  force
• 15:49
  it.
• 15:50
  Regulate.
• 15:51
  Do
• 15:51
  not
• 15:52
  try
• 15:52
  to
• 15:52
  force
• 15:53
  something
• 15:53
  that
• 15:53
  does
• 15:53
  not
• 15:54
  exist
• 15:54
  right
• 15:54
  now
• 15:55
  or
• 15:55
  that
• 15:55
  your
• 15:55
  body
• 15:55
  cannot
• 15:56
  handle.
• 15:56
  It's
• 15:56
  only
• 15:57
  going
• 15:57
  to
• 15:57
  make
• 15:57
  it
• 15:57
  more
• 15:57
  stressful.
• 15:58
  And
• 15:59
  step
• 15:59
  six,
• 15:59
  get
• 15:59
  curious
• 16:00
  instead
• 16:00
  of
• 16:00
  critical
• 16:01
  because
• 16:02
  of.
• 16:02
  Instead
• 16:02
  of
• 16:03
  saying,
• 16:03
  what's
• 16:03
  wrong
• 16:03
  with
• 16:03
  me?
• 16:04
  Ask
• 16:05
  what
• 16:05
  is
• 16:05
  my
• 16:05
  nervous
• 16:06
  system
• 16:06
  trying
• 16:06
  to
• 16:06
  protect
• 16:07
  me
• 16:07
  from?
• 16:07
  Again,
• 16:08
  that
• 16:08
  is
• 16:09
  going
• 16:09
  to
• 16:09
  lead
• 16:09
  you
• 16:10
  to
• 16:10
  more
• 16:10
  of
• 16:10
  the
• 16:10
  softness,
• 16:11
  and
• 16:11
  that
• 16:11
  is
• 16:11
  where
• 16:12
  we
• 16:12
  heal.
• 16:13
  So
• 16:13
  I'm
• 16:13
  sure
• 16:13
  some
• 16:13
  people
• 16:14
  are
• 16:14
  out
• 16:14
  there
• 16:14
  listening
• 16:14
  and
• 16:14
  you're
• 16:15
  going,
• 16:15
  damn
• 16:15
  you,
• 16:15
  Tammy.
• 16:16
  Why'd
• 16:16
  you
• 16:16
  bring
• 16:16
  that
• 16:16
  up?
• 16:16
  Why'd
• 16:17
  you
• 16:17
  make
• 16:17
  it
• 16:17
  my
• 16:17
  fault?
• 16:18
  It's
• 16:18
  not
• 16:19
  about
• 16:19
  your
• 16:19
  fault.
• 16:20
  But,
• 16:20
  guys,
• 16:21
  healing
• 16:21
  is
• 16:22
  about
• 16:23
  being
• 16:23
  aware
• 16:23
  and
• 16:24
  accepting
• 16:24
  responsibility
• 16:26
  and
• 16:26
  changing
• 16:27
  some
• 16:27
  of
• 16:27
  your
• 16:27
  inner
• 16:28
  patterns
• 16:28
  so
• 16:28
  that
• 16:28
  you
• 16:28
  and
• 16:29
  the
• 16:29
  people
• 16:29
  around
• 16:29
  you
• 16:30
  can
• 16:30
  grow
• 16:30
  and
• 16:30
  love
• 16:30
  with
• 16:31
  you
• 16:31
  as
• 16:31
  you
• 16:31
  grow.
• 16:33
  Maybe
• 16:34
  you're
• 16:34
  just
• 16:34
  saying,
• 16:35
  yeah,
• 16:35
  maybe,
• 16:35
  okay,
• 16:36
  I
• 16:36
  hear
• 16:37
  some
• 16:37
  of
• 16:37
  that,
• 16:37
  but
• 16:38
  I
• 16:38
  don't
• 16:38
  really
• 16:38
  want
• 16:38
  to
• 16:38
  hear
• 16:39
  some
• 16:39
  of
• 16:39
  that.
• 16:39
  But
• 16:40
  maybe
• 16:40
  there's
• 16:40
  just
• 16:40
  a
• 16:41
  little
• 16:41
  bit
• 16:41
  more
• 16:41
  for
• 16:41
  you
• 16:41
  to
• 16:42
  explore.
• 16:43
  Please
• 16:43
  don't
• 16:44
  do
• 16:44
  that
• 16:44
  alone
• 16:45
  or
• 16:45
  feel
• 16:45
  that
• 16:45
  you
• 16:45
  have
• 16:45
  to
• 16:46
  do
• 16:46
  that
• 16:46
  alone.
• 16:46
  I
• 16:47
  do
• 16:47
  offer
• 16:47
  free
• 16:47
  clarity
• 16:48
  calls.
• 16:48
  Not
• 16:48
  to
• 16:48
  fix
• 16:49
  you,
• 16:49
  convince
• 16:49
  you,
• 16:49
  or
• 16:49
  push
• 16:50
  you
• 16:50
  into
• 16:50
  anything,
• 16:51
  but
• 16:51
  I
• 16:51
  want
• 16:52
  to
• 16:52
  offer
• 16:52
  some.
• 16:52
  Just
• 16:53
  some
• 16:53
  safe
• 16:54
  space
• 16:54
  so
• 16:54
  that
• 16:55
  you
• 16:55
  can
• 16:55
  talk
• 16:55
  about
• 16:55
  what's
• 16:56
  going
• 16:56
  on
• 16:56
  in
• 16:56
  your
• 16:56
  body.
• 16:57
  And
• 16:57
  let's
• 16:58
  see
• 16:58
  what
• 16:58
  maybe
• 16:58
  it
• 16:58
  might
• 16:59
  be.
• 16:59
  Communicating
• 17:01
  honestly.
• 17:01
  Sometimes
• 17:02
  one
• 17:03
  grounded
• 17:03
  conversation
• 17:04
  brings
• 17:04
  more
• 17:04
  clarity
• 17:05
  than
• 17:05
  months
• 17:05
  of
• 17:06
  overthinking.
• 17:06
  I
• 17:07
  promise
• 17:07
  you
• 17:07
  that.
• 17:07
  I've
• 17:08
  been
• 17:08
  to
• 17:08
  therapist
• 17:08
  after
• 17:09
  therapist
• 17:09
  after
• 17:09
  therapist,
• 17:10
  and
• 17:11
  I
• 17:11
  can
• 17:11
  remember
• 17:11
  certain
• 17:12
  conversations
• 17:12
  where
• 17:12
  I
• 17:12
  had
• 17:12
  with
• 17:13
  coaches
• 17:13
  where
• 17:13
  all
• 17:13
  of
• 17:14
  a
• 17:14
  sudden
• 17:14
  I
• 17:15
  was
• 17:15
  like,
• 17:15
  cha
• 17:15
  Ching,
• 17:16
  I
• 17:16
  get
• 17:16
  it.
• 17:18
  So
• 17:18
  there
• 17:18
  is
• 17:18
  no
• 17:18
  pressure
• 17:19
  here.
• 17:19
  There
• 17:19
  is
• 17:20
  no.
• 17:23
  No
• 17:23
  forcing,
• 17:23
  no
• 17:24
  anything.
• 17:25
  Just
• 17:25
  curiosity
• 17:26
  and
• 17:26
  care.
• 17:27
  Honestly,
• 17:27
  guys,
• 17:27
  ick
• 17:28
  is
• 17:28
  not
• 17:28
  a
• 17:28
  failure.
• 17:29
  It's
• 17:29
  information.
• 17:30
  And
• 17:30
  what
• 17:30
  do
• 17:30
  we
• 17:31
  do
• 17:31
  with
• 17:31
  information?
• 17:32
  We
• 17:32
  learn
• 17:32
  from
• 17:32
  it.
• 17:33
  We
• 17:33
  grow
• 17:33
  from
• 17:34
  it.
• 17:34
  We
• 17:35
  grow
• 17:35
  some
• 17:35
  more
• 17:35
  from
• 17:36
  it.
• 17:36
  So
• 17:37
  please
• 17:38
  believe
• 17:38
  me
• 17:38
  when
• 17:38
  I
• 17:38
  tell
• 17:39
  you
• 17:39
  your
• 17:39
  body
• 17:40
  is
• 17:40
  not
• 17:40
  betraying
• 17:40
  you.
• 17:41
  It's
• 17:41
  asking
• 17:42
  for
• 17:42
  attention.
• 17:43
  And
• 17:43
  when
• 17:43
  the
• 17:44
  body
• 17:44
  feels
• 17:44
  safe
• 17:44
  again,
• 17:45
  that
• 17:46
  is
• 17:46
  when
• 17:46
  connection
• 17:47
  is
• 17:47
  going
• 17:47
  to
• 17:47
  happen
• 17:48
  again.
• 17:48
  With
• 17:48
  yourself,
• 17:49
  with
• 17:49
  others.
• 17:49
  Whether
• 17:50
  it's
• 17:50
  a
• 17:50
  spouse,
• 17:50
  a
• 17:51
  friend,
• 17:51
  a
• 17:51
  family
• 17:52
  member,
• 17:52
  whatever
• 17:53
  it
• 17:53
  is.
• 17:53
  Connection
• 17:54
  doesn't
• 17:54
  happen
• 17:54
  when
• 17:54
  your
• 17:55
  body
• 17:55
  feels
• 17:55
  unsafe.
• 17:56
  When
• 17:56
  your
• 17:57
  body
• 17:57
  feels
• 17:57
  unsafe,
• 17:57
  all
• 17:58
  you
• 17:58
  are
• 17:58
  doing
• 17:58
  is
• 17:59
  protecting
• 17:59
  yourself.
• 18:01
  And
• 18:01
  your
• 18:02
  brain
• 18:02
  and
• 18:02
  body
• 18:03
  are
• 18:03
  protecting
• 18:03
  you
• 18:04
  from
• 18:04
  that
• 18:05
  connection.
• 18:06
  So
• 18:06
  thank
• 18:07
  you
• 18:07
  for
• 18:07
  being
• 18:07
  here.
• 18:08
  Please
• 18:08
  take
• 18:08
  care
• 18:08
  of
• 18:08
  your
• 18:09
  nervous
• 18:09
  system
• 18:09
  this
• 18:09
  week.
• 18:10
  It's
• 18:10
  been
• 18:10
  carrying
• 18:11
  so
• 18:11
  much
• 18:11
  more
• 18:11
  than
• 18:12
  you
• 18:12
  realized
• 18:13
  and
• 18:14
  love
• 18:14
  on
• 18:14
  yourself.
• 18:15
  Give
• 18:15
  yourself
• 18:16
  a
• 18:16
  hug
• 18:16
  and
• 18:16
  remember,
• 18:18
  regulate,
• 18:19
  then
• 18:19
  communicate.
• 18:20
  Love
• 18:21
  you
• 18:21
  guys,
• 18:21
  and
• 18:21
  I
• 18:21
  will
• 18:22
  so
• 18:22
  talk
• 18:22
  to
• 18:22
  you
• 18:22
  soon.
• 18:24
  Have
• 18:24
  a
• 18:24
  great
• 18:25
  day
• 18:25
  and
• 18:26
  I
• 18:26
  will
• 18:26
  see
• 18:26
  you
• 18:26
  back
• 18:27
  soon.