Latest / Groove with Portia / She Left Her Abuser, But the Trauma Followed Her

Transcript

She Left Her Abuser, But the Trauma Followed Her · Groove with Portia

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Guru Portia, the podcast that uncovers the hidden
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: treasures within grief. I'm your host, Portia, the producer, and
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: I'm inviting you to join me on a transformative journey
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: where we will exchange laughter. Of course, the best medicine
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: of them all. Reflect on cherished memories. Remember that time
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: that the little boy grabbed my hand instead of his
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: mother's at the amusement park?
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: Yikes.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: And of course, discover gratitude while navigating one of life's
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: hardest challenges, loss. So get ready to grew with me, Portia,
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: the producer. Let's dive in.
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: Let's dive in.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: Why, hello everyone, and welcome back to Grew With Portia.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: I'm your host, Portia Booker, and as always, don't forget
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: to like, share, and subscribe to keep up with all
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: things Grew With Portia. So one of the things that
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: I often think about is in the world that we
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: live in today, there seems to be more and more
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: domestic violence-related topics circling amongst social media, circling amongst the conversation.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: And I often wonder, Where are we headed today? What
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: is our call to action to reduce some of these
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: issues and to help more survivors and advocates feel as
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: though their story isn't going on deaf ears? Let that
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: sink in. So today I'm going to be joined by
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: a woman who has her own path of dealing with
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: domestic violence. Before I bring her onto the stage, I
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: want to give a special shout out to our mutual
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: connection who introduced us, Miss Lisa Council. So she is
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: the founder of the Beautiful Movement, which is a nonprofit
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: that she created herself. to help other domestic violence survivors
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: and advocates have resources and also help them to feel
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: that sense of I matter again. So without further delay,
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: welcome to Girl Portia, Ms. Lori Carter. Lori, it's an
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: honor to have you on the show. How are you?
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: I am doing fine. It's a pleasure, Portia. Thank you
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: so much for having me.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: Lori, I've been looking forward to this conversation since I
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: had the opportunity to obviously sit in on the interviews
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: that you've been on with Lisa and Queen of Feet
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: on her show, Shift. And one of the things I
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: do know, Lori, about your story is you walked your
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: own path of domestic violence. But the thing is, you
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: reached this point where you realized that leaving that wasn't
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: the end. it wasn't also the beginning just yet either.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: And I've heard this time and time again, that domestic
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: violence victims have a look to them. They adopt certain
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: characteristics that are often overlooked. And I'm curious, Lori, for
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: our audience, can you share with us, when did you
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: realize once you were on the other side of that
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: journey that you won that you were on that you
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: have reached this point of i'm no longer in this
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: relationship but i'm also still surviving the aftermath.
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: Um i mean that's every honestly it's an everyday it
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: it's an everyday struggle talking with you know working with
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: queen and and lisa um it's it can be every
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: day um it's a journey and we call it the
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: yellow brick road because um It's a lifelong. It tends
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: to be a lifelong thing that we know how to
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: adjust to it, but it tends to be a lifelong thing.
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: We still have triggers. We have, you know, something we
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: might hear something, a sound or or a smell or something.
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: And we'll have a trigger for a moment. But then,
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: you know, with through therapy, we learn how to move
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: forward with that.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: And Lori, I'm glad you brought up the triggers piece
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: because that can happen out of the blue. You can
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: take on a new role and your current boss could
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: have on a type of cologne that your abuser used
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: to wear. And I'm curious, Lori, for our audience, what
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: did it take for you to recognize your triggers? Because
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: some people may not recognize it in that moment. And
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: also to be able to find a sense of grounding
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: because some people may experience hyperventilation or they may go
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: into full blown panic attacks or some other things from
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: that little thing.
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: Well, I'll share. I'll just share one of my triggers
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: that I had about a year or two ago. It rained.
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: It happened to rain and I was going into work and.
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: raindrops just hit my face and they hit my face
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: all the time. But this one particular time, the raindrops
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: just hit my face and I had a full panic
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: meltdown in the middle of, I mean, on my way
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: to work, just stopped on the sidewalk and just had
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: a complete meltdown. And I remember going in the building,
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: I ended up calling queen. I said, I don't know
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: what's wrong, but something is happening. I said, I don't,
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: I don't know what it is, but I'm back there again.
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: And so she, you know, she started thinking and she said,
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: remember that time we had that conversation. about your abuser,
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: he spit on you in the rain and he hawk
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: spit on me. So let me be clear. He hawk
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: spit on me and he told me not to cry.
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: And so I remember standing in the rain with the
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: hawk spit on my face, running down my face and
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: the rain was hitting me and the hawk spit was
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: on my face and I never cried at that moment.
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: And so she told me that's what it is. That's
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: what happened to you. Just in that moment, I was
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: able to cry. and get it out. And so that
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: was a, that was a huge trigger for me. That
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: rain hit me and it took me completely back to
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: that moment. And from there, then Queen, you know, she said, okay,
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: from this point, you'll be able to move forward. So,
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: you know, but after that, for me, honestly, it was
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: like a, it was like a sigh of relief. Oh
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: my God, now I can enjoy the rain for real.
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: I got through that moment, but I had never thought
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: about it in any way and never affected me in
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: any kind of way. But just that moment, it did.
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: And then once I realized that, once she got me
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: through that, then I was able, now I'm able to
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: appreciate the rain. Or if I was to possibly have
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: a trigger at that moment, I can stop for a minute,
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: take a deep breath and say, I know what this is.
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: And then I can move forward. It could be a
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: matter of counting one, two, three. I'm looking at something different,
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: just taking your mind away for a minute to be
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: able to grasp what you're going through at that time.
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: Well, Lori, I could feel I mean, I can literally
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: visualize this and it makes me think of that book.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: The body keeps the score literally because you I also
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: see there was grief there. too, because you weren't in
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: that moment given the opportunity to cry. Right. And, you know,
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: it was for you. It was a sense of I
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: don't feel safe. I'm scared. And the rain kind of
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: I hate to say it seep through to an old
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: wound for you.
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: Absolutely. And that's exactly what it was like. I was
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: I was there in that moment. You know, I was there.
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: I didn't know what was happening. And we'll talk about
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: that on another show because I can't wait for this show, too.
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: But there is an aftermath after the therapy, after abuse. There's,
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: you know, that's what I was saying. I'm not trying
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: to jump all over the place, but there's so many
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: layers to this. There's so many layers to this. And
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: a lot of times it makes me angry because it's
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: just like, you know, we go through the domestic violence,
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: but there's layers of healing after that. There's layers that
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: you have that you must go through to be able
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: to get to that rainbow. You know what I'm saying?
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: So it, you know, that was just a portion. And
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: my situation was years ago. And that just came up,
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: you know, a year or two ago. So that's how long, unfortunately,
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: that you can have triggers, you know.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: You know, Lori, when I brought up about grief too,
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: and you finally kind of being able to grieve in
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: that moment, I'm curious, Lori, was there a point in
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: time where you grieved the woman who you were in
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: that relationship and grieved the aftermath and learning to integrate
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: what you went through in order to reach this point
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: of being of service with others in the domestic violence space?
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: I did not. And that's the aftermath of domestic violence.
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: I went through the healing process, but I didn't go
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: to that portion that you just mentioned right there. What
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: I did was I turned to other women and I
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: just went through it with them. And that was what
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: I thought was my next step of healing. But it wasn't.
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: I just I healed through the process of what domestic
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: violence was. But that right there, I never agreed what
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: I had went through. And so when I spoke to
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: Queen at that moment, that's exactly what she said. This
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: is this is the next step. You have to come
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: back for the next step. And I'm like, I'm thinking, OK,
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: I'm healed. From the moment, yes, I might have a
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: trigger here and there, but what do you mean? This is,
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: what do you mean we got to keep going? I'm like, no,
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: she's like, there's the aftermath. There's what do you do
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: after when you want to start dating? You know, it's
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: different pieces that you have to continue going. So that's
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: what I'm in the process of now. And I swear
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: by therapy. I love therapy. Therapy is like a new
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: best friend. If you want to live and get through certain,
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: you know, things that you might have gone through. And
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: that's what I'm dealing with now. Just grieving that woman
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: that I lost. back then. I never did.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: The other thing I'm hearing too, Lori, is you've you've
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: learned to build trust again. And I'm curious, what did
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: it take for you to build that relationship with yourself
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: to trust in the healing journey that you've embarked on?
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: That was the only way that I felt that I
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: was going to be able to get through with anything.
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: I had to learn how to trust myself because even,
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: even trying to attempting to start relationships, it was a whole,
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: it's a fear. And that's a, again, that's a whole
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: nother show. There's so much fear there that I can't
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: trust them before I trust myself. So I had to,
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: I had to learn how to trust me first. And,
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: and that, I mean, it takes time. It's not, people
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: sometimes often think, oh, you know, I went to therapy
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: and I've been in it for six months. And, oh,
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: I'm so great. But if you peel back the layers
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: of healing, that is a next step of trusting yourself
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: and how do you do it? You know what I'm saying?
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: And there's journaling, there's, you know, looking in the mirror
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: and telling yourself that I love you and telling yourself
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: that I trust you to be that person that's going
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: to make sure that this doesn't happen to you again
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: and know the signs. And, you know, it's a whole process.
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: It's a whole process. And I love having conversations like these,
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: because oftentimes I get mad because I'm like, you know,
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: even though I'm where I'm at now and I'm like
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: almost 100%, but I will say I'm 80%. I get
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: so angry sometimes just of the situation, you know, like
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: I was put in this situation and I have to
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: do all of this to get that girl back because
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: there was a different girl and now I'm a, I'm
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: a totally different woman at this point. You know what
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: I'm saying? So there's a different girl than what I
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: used to be, the fun loving. And I'm that now,
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: but I had to rebuild her, you know, and rebuild
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: her at the expense of someone else. So that's the
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: hard part. You know, I didn't cause this to myself,
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: you know, so it's a lot of work. Clearly.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: And Laurie, the other thing I hear too is what
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: did it take for you to hold on to your faith?
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: What was your faith journey like also that played a role?
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: Because I know, for example, in my case, and mine's
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: a little different, when my mom transitioned, I was mad
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: at God. I was very angry and I let God
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: know that I was not happy. Can we go on
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: my front yard and have a boxing match? I was
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: very honest and transparent about it because I said, I
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: don't understand. Help me understand why I'm in this predicament.
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: And so I'm curious, Lori, what did your faith journey
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: look like and how did you hold on to your
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: faith too during that time and after?
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: Well, for me, that's the only person I, because I didn't,
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: I never shared any, I never shared this with my
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: family or anyone else. So I, there was a point
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: where I was in the closet and I was just
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: having a complete meltdown and I heard my son cry
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: because I was like, I'm going to I've got to
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: end my life because this is not this is not
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: what I want to do. I can't be in this
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: abusive relationship. I can't do it. So I heard my
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: son cry. And from that point, I said, OK, now
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: I have a reason to live. That made me say
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: I have a reason to live. So I said, God, listen,
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: I need you to help me pull pull me through
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: this because there's no one else. I haven't shared this
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: with anybody. So he was the only person that I
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: could go to at the moment. I, I used to
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: get mad later, like, God, why, like, why did you
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: put me through this? Why did you, why did you
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: make me do this? But I, and I would have
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: conversations with myself and I'm like, okay, I know why,
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: because now you always said when you were younger, you
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: wanted to be a teacher. Okay. Now you're teaching the world.
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: You know, I might not have been a teacher in school,
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: but now you're teaching the word about being a survivor
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: and how to survive and, and, and helping women get
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: through this. So I would go back and forth. I'd
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: be angry one minute, but then I would be angry
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: at myself and then I would be angry at him.
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: And then I'm like, OK, well, he's the only person
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: I can lean on. So, you know, we got to
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: work together on this. And so I definitely put my
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: faith in him. And I, you know, I shut my
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: life down for a couple of years. I was like,
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: I always tell people I was like a horse with
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: blinders on. I didn't see anything else but me walking straight.
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: And there was no men that I was interested in.
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: There was no relationships I was interested in. I had
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: to focus on me and find my inner soul from
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: when I started my relationship at that age to moving forward.
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: And even going back then, because, you know, a lot
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: of times women in domestic violence situations, we have daddy issues.
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: We don't have men in our life. So, you know,
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: I had to ask God to walk me from that
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: little girl that didn't have that father in her life
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: to where I am now. So, yeah.
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: Lori, that can be a whole conversation too about just
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: that of young women having absent fathers, getting into relationships
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: and just them going sour because there's a need that's
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: not being addressed and the whole gamut. Lori, Before we
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: continue on with the conversation, if our audience wants to
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: connect with you, if they want to learn more about
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: the Beautiful Movement, how can our audience connect with you?
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: And also, if you have any upcoming speaking gigs or anything,
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: please let our audience know how they can connect with you.
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: Sure. I have a website. It's thebeautifulmovement.com. And that's thebeautifulmovement.com.
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: I'm on Facebook. Yes, I'm beautiful, too, as well as
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: my name, Lori Carter. And then on Instagram, I'm I
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: have the beautiful underscore movement.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: Excellent.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: As well.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: And of course, if you forget who the host of
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: this show is or anything, you know AI is our friend.
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: So you can always do an AI search of me,
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: of Lori, of anything that you may remember. Lori, one
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: of the things that I've often heard, and I talked
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: about this with Lisa on the show, with Kia Wallace,
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: I've also talked about it with Janine, is this notion
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: of why didn't you just leave?
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: And I'm curious, from your perspective, what do you wish
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: people understood about everything that can happen both emotionally and
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: psychologically before you're really able to know when it's the
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: right time for you to exit from that relationship?
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: Right. That's one thing that I speak to my ladies
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: about all the time and just different people in general,
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: because they don't, they always just say, well, why don't
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: you just leave? And don't you think if it was
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: just that easy, we would leave. But if you have
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: somebody that is on a constant basis telling you, hey,
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: you know, I'll shoot you. I'll kill your family. I mean,
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: they're hitting you anyway. If you're being abused anyway, you
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: mentally start believing that if he can beat me like
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: this every day, then he has no problem with shooting me,
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: killing me or doing whatever he said that he's going
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: to do. He's going to act it out. So I
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: always tell people all the time, if you've never been
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: in that situation personally, I'm like, don't speak on it
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: because we would leave if we could. We really would.
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying? If it was just that easy,
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: I would have left a long time ago. But again,
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: years and years, and especially if you've been in it,
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: because once it starts, like now I'm mindful. very mindful
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: of the red flag, sometimes too mindful. I start, okay,
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: I think that's a red flag and it may not be,
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: but I'm so mindful of it now. But back then
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: as the manipulation and this didn't happen and you get
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: sucked in more and more and more and each year
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: keeps going, those fears become real. I mean, like I said,
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: if they're abusing you all the time or they're hitting
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: you or whatever they may do and then they threaten you, well,
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: I'll kill your family. Well, you know he has five guns.
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: So why wouldn't he, that's our thought process. Why wouldn't he,
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: we're not going to play with it. Okay. I'm just
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: going to leave. We're just not, you know, until we're
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: prepared and we have to, you know, we tell women
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: all the time, be prepared, have a plan.
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. And I'm sure that having multiple plans and contemplating, okay,
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: how am I going to execute this? Who, who's going
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: to be there to help me navigate this? too and
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: where's my safety net who's gonna open their arms to
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: me without judgment without the question of well why didn't
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: you just leave you know it's it's not as simple
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: as just walking and chewing gum.
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: Absolutely absolutely and for me i didn't nobody no one
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: knew my no one knew that i was going through
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: the abuse at all never i never told anybody because
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: i knew what the outcome would be if I did.
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: And as crazy as it sounds, I loved him, but
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: I wasn't in love with him after the abuse started happening.
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: But I did know, because I am mindful of this,
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: if I did tell my family, how would it have looked?
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: Because we do this too. How would it have looked
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: if I went to my family and told them this?
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: They do whatever they're going to do to him, but
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: then I take them back because that happens oftentimes. Domestic
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: violence relationships, we tend to go back seven times or
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: more before we actually end it or something tragic happens.
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: There's usually five to seven times that we keep running back.
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: And one thing I never did, I never left because
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: I was terrified. I never left the situation, but when
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: it got towards the end and I remember asking God, hey,
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: I don't know how I'm gonna do this, but somehow
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: can you get me out of this situation? And I
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: would pray that all the time. And then this one
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: particular time he came home and said that he wanted
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: to be with another woman And he wanted us to relate.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: to end. And I remember crying like a baby. I
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: remember crying, oh my God, how can you do this
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: to me? And then I heard the voice, wait a minute,
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: isn't this what you asked for? Didn't you ask me
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: to help you get out of this situation? And I'm like, okay.
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: And I remember clear as day, drying up my tears.
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: And I said, listen, when I walk out of that door,
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: it's not going to be a, we're going to get
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: back together because I've asked for a higher power and
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: I've got the answer and I'm leaving. And he was like,
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: our relationship's over. And I, he said, what do you want? Nothing.
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: I just want my child and his diaper bag. And
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: that was it. And that's what I walked away with.
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: Ooh, Lori. I mean this, I can see why domestic
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: violence is such a fragile subject and Because each and
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: every one of the stories that I've heard, yours, Lisa's, Yolanda's, Kia's,
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: just to name a few, each and every one of
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: you have sat in the seat of occupancy of being
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: with an abuser, someone you love, someone you thought you
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: would have a future with. And then grieving not only
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: the person who you were, Grieving that relationship that didn't
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: pan out to where you expected it to go, but
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: also grieving the life that you envisioned for yourselves. Lori,
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: let me just say this. I appreciate and I'm very
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: grateful that you share with our audience today your story,
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: what you've overcome, the way that you're showing up today,
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: the continuous healing work that you're still doing. Because it's
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: not a wave of magic wand. You're healed today and
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: everything's back to normal. It's a continuous, as you mentioned,
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: the yellow brick road going to that next door of
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: leveling up, identifying triggers that you may have never had
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: the opportunity to work through. Lori, I want to ask
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: you another question. I know this year, and I'm going
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: to congratulate you again, that you were recognized with a
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: Domestic Violence Survivor Award this year. And I'm curious for
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: our audience, what did receiving that award represent to you?
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: And did it cause you to reflect differently on the
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: woman you were then compared to the woman you are today?
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: Thank you also for recognizing that. You know what? I
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: don't think about it until I do get an award.
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: And then sometimes I'll have a moment of tears and
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: just happiness and joy. Like, oh my God, I made it.
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: And I'll go back to that closet that day that
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: I was sitting in that closet wanting to end it all.
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: And then think, oh my God, you really did this.
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: And I do it on the strength of my son
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: pulling me out of that closet by hearing his voice.
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: And I always acknowledge that because if I hadn't heard
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: his voice, I don't know where I would have been today.
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: And I do it for the women that are out
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: here that are still struggling and that are still trying to,
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: you know, make a way. And I appreciate the award
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: because I want to share it with all of them.
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean? I want to share it
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: with them because they don't think that they're ever going
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: to get to this point. And I never thought that
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: I would get to this point, you know, so. I
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: tend to be proud at that moment, but I just
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: know that there's so much more work to do and
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: I don't think about it until then. And I'm like,
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: oh my God, you did it. You know, and I'll
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: think like that at that moment, but then I'll, you know,
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: I'll be happy for a second. I'm like, okay, well,
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: we got to hit the ground running because it's, you know,
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: it's not over. You know, it's not over. So I'm very,
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: very appreciative of the awards that I've gotten on behalf
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: of that, but I'm doing it honestly with the purpose of,
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: and that's empowering women of all walks of life to
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: love who they are so we can stop accepting and, and,
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: and missing these red flags just because we want love.
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: And again, it goes deeper sometimes for a lot of
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: women because we don't have our fathers in our life.
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: So we're looking, we're searching, you know, for a love
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: that is not what we truly need. So again, when
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: I get these awards like that, I'll, I'll, I'll be
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: so proud of myself for a moment because I have
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: to include myself, you know, for continuing on. But, um,
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: It's for the women as well.
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: Lori, just again, lots of gratitude to you for sharing
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: with us today. And Lori, you've went through this journey
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: of your own domestic violence path. Your son was that
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: key to unlock the door to your healing and finding
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: the Lori that you lost during that time. For our
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: audience today, Lori, what does finding your groove mean to
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: you today?
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: If I didn't find it, I wouldn't be here. I'll
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: say that. And I'm so happy. I'm so happy that
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: I can walk out the door and just not be
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: afraid and not have to be scared and just, and
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: love on me. I mean, it's like, I'm honestly like
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: waking up every morning is like going to Disney World
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: because I can wake up not being in fear, you know?
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: And sometimes people are like, oh my God, you're like
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: you're on a hundred all the time. And I'm like,
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: everybody should be on a hundred because, you know, like
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: I get to breathe my own air because for eight
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: years I was breathing somebody else's air. So to, to
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: have me back and to work on me and to
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: focus on me is just like, it's just like a
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: breath of fresh air every day, every day. It's just
• 25:29
  Speaker 2: a huge blessing that I was able to survive that.
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: And I continue to survive it. So I did get
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: excited sometimes just to, you know, just look around and like,
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: I don't have to look over my shoulder anymore.
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you're not a prisoner anymore of your circumstance. You
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: get to breathe the fresh air. get to see your
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: son without fear, get to enjoy going to Disney if
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: you ever get to go and not be worried about, okay,
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: is he lurking in the ride behind me type of thing, right?
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: That's the truth. That's very true. And then you also,
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: you know, and like I said, I'm very clear on
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: it's a lifelong journey because even after the eight years,
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: then it was like 10 more years of trying to
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: figure out what do I do before I actually came out.
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: with the beautiful movement. So it was years after the
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: fact that I was still in a domestic violence relationship,
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: you might as well say. I was still in that relationship,
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: even though I wasn't in that relationship, if that makes sense.
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: I was still a prisoner because I didn't know how
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: to maneuver until I started therapy. So that's why I'm
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: saying it's been a whole process and it continues to
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: be because we don't just get out and be like, oh,
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: we're free and we're not looking over our shoulder. We're
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: looking over our shoulder for years and years or or
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: you hear a loud sound, or you hear the rain
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: 20 years later, you know what I'm saying? Or feel
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: the rain 20 years later. It's just that much of
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: a process.
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah. And as you mentioned that yellow brick road, those
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: different stops being able to recognize when you're getting stuck.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: And the key to Lori is you mentioning that support system,
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: queen Lisa, you know, I think that's also important as
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: well for anyone who is out there who's struggling, find
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: that support system. You know, it's, it's an old saying,
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: but you're not alone. And I'm saying that because you
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: see people, um, Lori is here to share her story.
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: We've had Lisa. We've had Kia. We've had other individuals
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: who have shared. And I want people to recognize and
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: remember that there's someone else who's walked in your same
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: path to an extent. And reach out to them.
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: They're there.
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: There's a reason why they're still here.
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: Well, everybody, that was Ms. Lori Carter from the beautiful
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: movement that you heard from today on Grew Up Portia.
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: And that concludes our conversation. And until next time, everybody,
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: peace and hair grease, everyone.