Latest / The Sex, Porn & Love Addiction Podcast / Which of the 4 Attachment Styles Are You? (Secure vs. Insecure)

Transcript

Which of the 4 Attachment Styles Are You? (Secure vs. Insecure) · The Sex, Porn & Love Addiction Podcast

• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: Sex porn love addiction is all about self-soothing to manage your emotions.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: It got set up back in the childhood development years.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's just not about sex, it's not about porn.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's all about the repeated use to set up the physiology to crave those dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, self-manufactured drugs in the body.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's impacting women, men, children, age 10 to 75 across all the age ranges, the sexes, the cultures, the professions.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: It increased exponentially during COVID lockdown and impacting so many lives.
• 1:49
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• 1:55
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• 2:08
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• 2:10
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• 2:13
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• 2:16
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• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: You owe it to yourself and to others.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: On attachment styles, you're gonna spend some time here.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: So get your picnic, get your drink, get your blanket, get your pillow.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna camp here for a little while.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's such a big deal, this subject.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: Now, have your notebook, notepad available because I want you to understand what the four attachment stars are.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: But in the articles that I'm going to give to you, those that have written different articles on the subject have given them at times slightly different names.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I want you to know what all those different names are, the two different types of names are, because then you will be better able to follow the articles.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: The first one is what we call secure attachment, that is the ideal outcome.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: A large number of the population have secure attachment.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: Don't misunderstand me when I say the vast number that come into my office is because of attachment issues.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: Actually, the vast number in our population, large percentage of people have attachment, which is secure, the ideal outcome.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: But there's also a very large percentage that do not have secure attachment.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: So think of it on this hand, the ideal outcome from the early stages of negotiating childhood is to achieve secure attachment, and I'll define that in a while.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: Over on this hand are the insecure attachments, of which there are three types, and it's those three insecure attachment styles which I want to talk you talk, which I want to talk to you about because they're the problematic issues, and the ones that you would want to find out whether any of those three are styles that you have and will be playing out in your life and in your interaction with your partner, in your partnership, in your marriage, but also in relation to all adults that you're coming into contact with in all the different systems in which you interact.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: Examples of secure attachment might be I feel comfortable sharing my private thoughts and feelings with my partner.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: I rarely worry about my partner leaving me.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: I am very comfortable being close to romantic partners.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: It helps to turn to my romantic partner in times of need.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: These are examples of secure attachment.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: As we now turn to the insecure ones.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: So the first of those three insecure styles, avoidant attachment, in another article, that avoidant attachment is called dismissive avoidant.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: And the second one in another article is called ambivalent anxious attachment, but its same equivalent is anxious preoccupied.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: The third attachment style, disorganized attachment, in another article is called fearful avoidant.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: Hope you've got that.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: The first insecure attachment, avoidant attachment, but also called dismissive avoidant.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: The second one, ambivalent anxious, also called anxious preoccupied, and the third one disorganized attachment, also called fearful avoidant.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: Let me take you through those different attachment styles.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: So what is attachment and why is it important?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's really important.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: But here's the reasons.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: Attachment refers to the particular way in which you relate to other people.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: Your style of attachment was formed at the very beginning of life during the first two years.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: I'd suggest yes, but the attachment forming can go on into later years as well.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: It might be the later years where the adoption, the fostering, the boarding school, the absent parent situation takes place.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: So it can get set up later in life as well.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: But these first two years are really critical.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Once established, it is a style that stays with you and plays out today in how you relate and are relating in your intimate relationships and also how you are parenting and going to parent your children.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: This is a big deal.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: I often say to clients, please, when you're listening to this, when you're hearing this teaching, please don't try to use the teaching as a way in which you will parent your children.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: I ask you to leave the children alone for now and look at how this applies to you and how you were parented.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's too simplistic to think you can use teaching from this to adjust your own parenting.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's a bit more complicated than that.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, there are things you can take from this, but first of all, you become the patient and look at its application to you and your relationship.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: So understanding your style of attachment is helpful because it offers you insight into how you felt and developed in childhood.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: Remember, pre-verbal, you don't have language to talk to those people yet in the early stages.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: And so you've only got the rudimentary things like crying and body language to try and communicate a distress, upset.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: It also clarifies ways that you are emotionally limited as an adult.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: Wow! And what you need to change to improve your close relationships, and how to improve your relationship with your children, and I'll go on to say, and others.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: In how you do interactions in the workplace, etc.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: This is such a big deal.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Send me a message.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Let's do some work without shame and bring colour back to life.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Send the email, send the message to me, Gary McFarlane at the Kairos Center.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: And let's begin to reclaim your quality of life.