Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Master the Art of Saying No
Transcript
- Lucas: So, you've been a manager for maybe six months now. You've figured out the basics of one-on-ones, you've survived your first performance review cycle, and then it happens: your boss asks you to take on another project. And your gut says no, but your mouth says yes. Luna: Oh, that's the classic. And it's not just your boss, right? It's also peers, other teams, even your own direct reports who come to you with 'quick asks' that somehow eat your afternoon. Lucas: Exactly. And here's the thing: when you're an individual contributor, saying no is mostly about protecting your own time. But as a manager, saying no is about protecting your team's focus, your priorities, and honestly, your credibility. If you say yes to everything, you're going to run your people into the ground and you'll never deliver anything well. Luna: And that's what we're digging into today: how to say no without sounding like a jerk or a slacker. And if this conversation is already giving you a framework you can use, that's exactly what we want. The show stays ad-free because listeners like you support it, so if today lands, consider buying us a coffee at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It genuinely keeps us going. Lucas: Yeah, and we don't say that lightly. A lot of you have told us these episodes help you think through real decisions, and that's why we keep making them. So, thank you for that. Now, let's get into the mechanics. I've been thinking about a story that illustrates this perfectly. Luna: Lay it on me. Lucas: So there's a product manager I know — let's call her Priya — at a mid-sized software company. She's been managing a team of five for about a year. Her VP comes to her with this big, shiny project. It's got board-level visibility, the CEO is excited about it, and it's clearly a career-maker for whoever leads it. Luna: And she said no? That takes guts. Lucas: She did. But she didn't just say 'no, thanks.' She went in with a clear picture of her team's current capacity. She had data: her team was already at 90 percent utilization, they had two major releases coming up, and one of her senior engineers was about to go on parental leave. She knew that taking on this project would mean either dropping something or burning people out. Luna: So how did she frame the no to her VP? Lucas: She said something like, 'I can't take this on as it's currently scoped, because it would put our Q3 commitments at risk. But if we can delay the secondary launch, or if you can give me two extra contractors, I could make it work.' She offered alternatives. She didn't just say no; she said 'here's what it would take.' Luna: That's so smart. She's basically saying no to the request as-is, but yes to the underlying goal. Lucas: Right. And that's a key distinction. As a manager, you're not just protecting your team's time; you're protecting the team's ability to deliver on its commitments. When you say no, you need to be specific about what you're protecting and why. That's what makes it strategic, not defensive. Luna: And what happened with Priya? Her VP's reaction? Lucas: The VP was a bit taken aback at first. But because she had the data and the alternatives, he actually respected her more. He ended up giving her the two contractors, and the project got done, though it was delayed a bit. But more importantly, he started coming to her with more realistic proposals, knowing she'd push back if needed. Luna: So saying no can actually build trust. It's like you're showing you understand the business, not just your own little silo. Lucas: Exactly. But I know a lot of new managers are terrified of that conversation. They think 'no' is a career-limiting word. So let's break down some practical scripts. What are the different situations where you need to say no? Luna: Well, you've got the boss, you've got peers, you've got direct reports, and you've got external folks like clients or vendors. Each requires a slightly different approach. Lucas: Let's start with the boss. That's the scariest one, right? So the key there is to make it about capacity and impact, not about 'I don't want to.' You want to show that you're thinking about the bigger picture. So you might say, 'I want to make sure we're aligned on priorities. Right now, we're focused on X and Y. If I take on Z, something else will slip. What would you like me to deprioritize?' Luna: That's a great move because it puts the decision back where it belongs: with the person who sets priorities. You're not being insubordinate; you're asking for guidance. Lucas: Exactly. And nine times out of ten, your boss will either back off or help you reprioritize. They don't want you to fail. So that question is really powerful. Luna: What about when a peer from another team asks for help? That's always tricky because you want to be collaborative. Lucas: Right. And saying no to a peer can feel like you're breaking the team culture. But you can still be helpful without saying yes directly. You can say, 'I can't take this on right now, but I can connect you with someone who might be able to help,' or 'I can spare two hours next week to review your approach, but I can't commit to ongoing support.' Luna: So you're offering a smaller piece of help, not a flat no. That keeps the relationship intact. Lucas: And for direct reports, it's a bit different. You want to be careful not to shoot down their ideas too quickly, or they'll stop bringing them to you. So you can say, 'That's an interesting idea. I don't think we can prioritize it right now, but let's look at what we could drop to make room for it.' That turns it into a collaborative discussion. Luna: That's a good way to avoid crushing their initiative. You're not dismissing them; you're engaging with the trade-offs. Lucas: And what about clients or external stakeholders? That's a whole other beast. Luna: I was actually reading about a PR firm that had to push back on a client's unrealistic deadline. They said, 'We can't deliver that quality in that timeframe, but we could do a phased approach, launching the first phase on time and the rest later.' It's about managing expectations. Lucas: Perfect example. With clients, you have to be crystal clear about what you can deliver and when. And you always want to offer a viable alternative so they don't feel like you're just being difficult. Luna: So the common thread is: don't just say no, say 'not this, but here's what I can do.' Lucas: That's exactly it. Now, there's a psychological aspect to this too. As a new manager, you're probably still getting used to the idea that you have the authority to say no. And there might be a fear of being seen as not a team player or not ambitious. Luna: I think that's really common. A lot of people get promoted because they were the ones who always said yes and did extra work. And now they're supposed to flip that switch and start saying no. Lucas: Right. And that's a hard shift. But you have to remember that your job as a manager is to deliver results through your team, not to be everyone's favorite person. Saying yes to everything is a fast track to mediocrity. Luna: And burnout. I've seen a new manager in a previous company take on so much extra that her team was just constantly overwhelmed, and she was working nights and weekends. It wasn't sustainable. Lucas: That's a cautionary tale. So let's talk about how to build the muscle of saying no. It's like any skill: you have to practice it. And you can start small. Maybe it's saying no to a meeting invite that isn't essential for you or your team. Or declining a request that's outside your team's scope. Luna: And what about the inner critic? The voice that says 'you're not a real manager, you're just faking it, so you shouldn't push back'? Lucas: That's imposter syndrome talking. And you have to remind yourself that you were promoted because someone trusted you to make good decisions. Saying no is a decision. So honor that trust by making the right call, even if it's uncomfortable. Luna: I love that. So it's not about being negative; it's about being strategic. And I think the best managers are the ones who can say no in a way that makes people feel like they're being heard. Lucas: Absolutely. Let's leave you with a few takeaway action items. First, when a request comes in, don't respond on the spot. Say, 'Let me check my team's capacity and get back to you.' That gives you time to think and respond thoughtfully. Luna: That's a great tip. It's amazing how much pressure we feel to give an immediate answer, but you're allowed to take a beat. Lucas: Second, practice your no. Write out a few scripts for common situations and rehearse them. It sounds silly, but it makes a huge difference when you're in the moment. Luna: And third, remember that you're modeling this behavior for your team. If you say yes to everything, they'll think that's the norm. But if they see you setting boundaries, they'll feel more comfortable doing it too. Lucas: That's a really good point. We'll make that third one official. So to wrap up, the next time you're about to say yes to something you know you should decline, pause and think: what's the cost to my team, my goals, and my credibility? And then use one of the scripts we talked about to say no in a way that's respectful and strategic. Luna: I think that's the key takeaway: saying no is not a failure; it's a leadership decision. And like any decision, it gets easier with practice. Lucas: So here's a question to leave you with: what's one thing you're going to say no to this week? Think about it, and maybe act on it. You might be surprised at how freeing it is. Luna: And if you found this helpful, don't forget to check out our other episodes on communication and leadership. We've got a lot more where this came from.