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When Love and Ambition Stop Moving Together · The Financial Feminism Podcast

0:15
There's a relationship conversation women have behind closed
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doors that we rarely call a financial conversation.
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It sounds like this.
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I love him but I'm tired.
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I love her but I feel like I'm
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carrying everything.
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We keep talking about what we want but
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I simply seem to be the only person
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actually doing something to get us there.
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I want to save, they want to spend.
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I want to build, they're comfortable.
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I want to start that business, they keep
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telling me why it won't work.
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I want more for our family, they think
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what we have it's good enough.
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And eventually a woman starts asking a question
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that makes her feel guilty just for thinking
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it.
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Can I love someone and still admit that
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we are not moving in the same direction?
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Yes, you can and that is the conversation
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we're having today.
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Welcome back to Financial Feminism.
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I'm Dr. Tanika Bruce and around here we
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talk about money differently.
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We talk about ownership, options, work, business, relationships,
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leadership, the things women build, the things women
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protect, and the things that quietly affect our
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financial futures whether we want to call them
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financial decisions or not.
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So today I want to talk about love
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probably not in the way that you expect.
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I'm not giving relationship advice and I'm not
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telling anybody to break up and I am
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not telling you that a partner who earns
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less money is somehow less valuable and I'm
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certainly not saying that two people must have
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identical careers, salaries, personalities, or dreams.
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That would be ridiculous.
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What I am asking is much simpler.
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Are the two of you building compatible futures?
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Because love and financial alignment they're not the
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same thing and sometimes we need enough courage
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to admit that.
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There's a sentence I want you to write
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down.
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Love can be real and the alignment can
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still be wrong.
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I think women need permission to hold both
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truths at the same time.
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You can love somebody, respect them, have a
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history with them, you can laugh with them,
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raise children together, build memories together, and still
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have serious disagreements about ambition, money, responsibility, risk,
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work, ownership, or even the future.
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That doesn't automatically make anyone a villain but
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pretending those differences do not matter can become
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very expensive.
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Not just financially but emotionally, professionally, entrepreneurially, and
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sometimes generationally because another adult's decisions can affect
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the life you're trying to build and if
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we're going to talk seriously about financial feminism
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then we have to be willing to talk
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about that too.
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Let's look at the quiet version of being
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held back.
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When people hear the words toxic relationship they
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often imagine the most extreme version, right?
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They imagine control, threats, abuse, manipulation.
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Now those things are serious and they deserve
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to be treated seriously but I want to
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talk and I want to be careful here
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because not every difficult financial relationship is abusive.
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Sometimes what is happening is incompatibility and sometimes
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it's irresponsibility and sometimes it's avoidance.
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Sometimes one person has changed and the other
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person has not.
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Sometimes one person is ambitious and the other
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genuinely does not value growth in the same
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way and sometimes two good people discover that
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they want two very different lives.
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That matters because there are women listening to
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me who are not being abused.
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They are simply exhausted from dragging another adult
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towards a future that adult has shown very
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little interest in building and that's a different
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conversation and we need language for it.
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Maybe you're the one who keeps applying for
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the promotion, the one taking the classes, the
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one researching the business, the one trying to
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improve the credit, the one asking about retirement,
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the one trying to save, the one looking
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for the house, the one wanting to relocate,
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the one thinking about what happens five years
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from now.
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Meanwhile your partner isn't necessarily doing anything horrible.
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They're simply comfortable and every time you try
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to move the family forward you feel like
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you're pulling a car with the emergency brake
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on and that can wear a woman down
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especially a woman who's already carrying leadership everywhere
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else.
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Maybe she leads at work, she handles the
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family, she solves the problems, she remembers the
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appointments, she manages the emergencies, she makes sure
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everyone gets what they need, and then she
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comes home and realizes she's the only person
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trying to engineer the future.
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That's not sustainable.
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Now your partner doesn't have to become you
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and I want to make an important distinction.
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Your partner doesn't have to have your ambition.
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They don't have to become an entrepreneur just
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because you're one.
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They don't need another degree because you want
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another degree.
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They don't have to wake up thinking about
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business or investments or intellectual property or ownership.
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People are different.
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That's normal.
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The issue is not sameness.
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The issue is alignment.
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Can one person dream big and the other
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provide stability?
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Absolutely.
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Can one person build the business while the
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other takes on more responsibilities somewhere else?
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Of course.
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Can one person earn significantly more while the
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other contributes to the household in different ways?
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Certainly.
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Financial feminism isn't assigning value to human beings
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based on salary.
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That would contradict every single thing that we're
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building.
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What matters is whether both people understand the
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future that they're trying to create and whether
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their behavior supports it.
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That's different because ambition can look different.
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Contribution can look different.
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Work can look different.
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But partnership cannot consistently mean one person carries
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the consequences of two adults decisions.
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There's another sentence I want you to remember.
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Support is not the same as dependence and
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love is not a financial plan.
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The cost of waiting for someone else to
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change.
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Let's think about that.
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You know one of the most dangerous things
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we can do with our future is build
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the entire plan around another adult eventually becoming
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somebody they have never promised to become.
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When he gets serious.
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When she gets motivated.
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When they finally understand.
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When they stop spending.
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When they start getting jobs.
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When they start saving.
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When they decide to just work more or
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do more things around the house.
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When they decide to build something.
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When they finally see what I see.
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Well maybe they will.
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People grow.
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People change.
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Relationships evolve.
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But your financial strategy cannot depend entirely on
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a future personality change in somebody else.
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That is not strategy.
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That's hope.
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Hope has a place.
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But hope needs boundaries.
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If you want to own property someday know
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what that requires.
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If you want to build a business begin
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understanding the business.
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If you want retirement security understand your own
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retirement position.
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If you want stronger credit understand what appears
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in your name.
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If you want savings know what you can
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consistently protect.
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If you want options begin building options.
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Because there's a point where waiting for someone
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else to become ambitious can become a way
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of postponing your own responsibility.
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And financial feminism doesn't ask women to control
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other adults.
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It asks women to stop surrendering control over
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the parts of their own future they can
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actually influence.
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This episode is brought to you by the
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Financial Feminism Community.
10:57
If today's conversation is making you think differently
11:00
about your own value you're exactly the kind
11:04
of woman we created this community for.
11:07
Financial Feminism is more than a podcast.
11:10
It's a movement helping women recognize their value,
11:14
strengthen their financial confidence, build wealth, embrace technology,
11:20
and create opportunities for themselves and the generations
11:23
that follow.
11:25
You don't have to figure it out alone.
11:27
Join us and connect with women who are
11:29
building businesses, advancing careers, and refusing to play
11:34
small.
11:35
Visit ownthepurse.com to learn more.
11:39
I want to give you something practical.
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I call it the alignment test.
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This is not a test you hand to
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your partner.
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Please do not print this out and say
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Dr. Tanika said you fail.
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That is not what we're doing.
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This is for you privately.
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Four areas vision, effort, behavior, ownership.
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Start with the vision.
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The vision part.
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Ask do we actually want compatible futures?
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Not identical futures.
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Compatible futures.
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Maybe you want to travel.
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Maybe you want to own a home.
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Maybe you want to retire early.
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Maybe you want to start a business.
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Maybe you want to live internationally.
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Maybe you want to provide something significant for
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your children.
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Maybe you want to care for aging parents.
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Maybe you want a simpler life.
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Maybe you want a bigger one.
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None of those answers is automatically right or
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wrong, but two people cannot responsibly plan one
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future while privately wanting two completely different lives.
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At some point, somebody will feel sacrificed.
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So ask the question, what are we actually
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trying to build?
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Next is effort.
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The second part.
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Are both people willing to contribute towards the
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life they say they want?
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Again, contribution doesn't have to look identical.
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One person may earn more.
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Another person may handle more at home.
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One may take the entrepreneurial risk.
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The other may provide the stable benefits.
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One may manage investments.
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The other may manage another part of the
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household.
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But look for reciprocity.
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Is there movement?
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Is there responsibility?
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Is there willingness?
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Or is one person perpetually rescuing the other?
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That difference matters.
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There are women who've become so competent that
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everybody around them has learned they do not
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have to be.
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Think about that.
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Sometimes the reward for being the woman who
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always handles everything is that eventually everybody expects
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you to handle everything.
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And then we call that strength.
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Sometimes it is.
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Sometimes it's over-functioning.
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And there's nothing financially empowering about being the
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indispensable person to everyone except your own self.
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Behavior.
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That's the third one.
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Do the financial decisions match the financial conversation?
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This is where I want you to stop
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listening only to promises.
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I want you to look at patterns.
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You say you want to buy a house.
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What are you doing about it?
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You say you want to eliminate debt.
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What are you doing about it?
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You say you want a business.
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What are you building?
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You say retirement matters.
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What are you reviewing?
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You say the family needs more income.
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What's changing?
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You say spending needs to slow down.
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Did it?
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A future isn't built from what we repeatedly
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say we want.
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It's built from the decisions we repeatedly make.
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This is where women sometimes become afraid to
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tell themselves the truth because the truth may
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create a conversation they don't want to have.
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But avoiding the truth doesn't remove the consequence.
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It only delays the conversation.
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The fourth part is ownership.
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And this is where financial feminism becomes very
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practical.
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Ask yourself, what am I building that I
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understand?
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What am I building that I can influence?
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What am I building that doesn't completely disappear
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if another person makes a different decision?
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This could be savings in the appropriate structure
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for your circumstances, professional expertise, retirement assets, a
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business, investments, intellectual property, a book, a
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brand, equity, a certification, a network, a
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skill.
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It could be a financial plan you actually
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understand.
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Ownership isn't secrecy.
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I'm not encouraging women to hide assets from
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your spouses or violate legal obligations.
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I'm talking about financial awareness, financial participation, financial
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capability, knowing what exists, knowing what you signed,
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knowing what you owe, knowing what you own,
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knowing what happens if circumstances change.
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There's a major difference between partnership and financial
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disappearance.
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Do not disappear from your own financial life.
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Now, let us talk about the part that
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really, really hurts.
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Sometimes your growth changes a relationship.
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You start learning.
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You start building.
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You begin to see possibilities you didn't see
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before.
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You negotiate.
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You earn more.
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You want more responsibility.
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You start that business.
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You write that book.
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You meet different people.
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You become more confident.
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And somebody who was completely comfortable with the
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old version of you becomes uncomfortable with the
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new one.
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That can happen.
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And not every uncomfortable reaction means somebody is
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intentionally trying to sabotage you.
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Sometimes your growth exposes a difference that was
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already there.
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Maybe one person values expansion and the other
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values predictability.
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Maybe one loves risks and the other avoids
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it.
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Maybe one believes money should build tomorrow and
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the other believes money is primarily for enjoying
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today.
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Those differences need conversation.
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But there's another situation.
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The person who consistently mocks the dream, dismisses
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the plan, creates unnecessary financial chaos, expects you
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to repeatedly absorb the consequences, pressures you to
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make yourself smaller, treats your ambition as betrayal,
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or makes you feel guilty every time you
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attempt to strengthen your financial position.
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That deserves your attention.
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You don't have to immediately label it but
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you do need to stop pretending it has
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no cost.
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This is another place where women get stuck.
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Knowing your worth does not mean believing you
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are superior to your partner.
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It does not mean saying I have more
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degrees so I matter more.
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I earn more so I matter more.
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I'm more ambitious so I matter more.
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No.
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Worth isn't a ranking system.
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Knowing your worth means recognizing that your future
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has value too.
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Your goals matter too.
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Your time matters too.
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Your retirement matters too.
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Your health matters too.
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Your dreams matter too.
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Your financial security matters too.
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Your desire to build something meaningful doesn't become
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selfish because someone else doesn't share it.
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And that distinction is everything.
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You don't have to shrink your future to
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prove your love and you don't have to
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destroy somebody else to protect your future.
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Both can be true.
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Now I want to speak to the woman
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directly that has been waiting, not six weeks,
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years.
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You've been saying once things settle down, once
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they get serious, once we pay this off,
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once the children get older, once my partner
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gets on board, once somebody finally understands what
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I'm trying to do.
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I want to challenge you with love.
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What can you build now?
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Not secretly, not recklessly, and not irresponsibly, but
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what can you responsibly build now?
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Can you learn?
21:32
Can you organize information?
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Can you understand your beliefs?
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Can you develop a skill?
21:42
Can you start writing?
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Can you research the business?
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Can you calculate what the goal actually requires?
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Can you complete your ownership ladder?
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Can you begin creating one part of your
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future that doesn't require another person to wake
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up tomorrow with a completely different personality?
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Because you may discover something very important.
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You were waiting for permission nobody actually had
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the authority to withhold.
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This week we're continuing with the ownership ladder.
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We're not creating another resource just because we
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published another episode.
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I want you to use this one.
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Go back to your ladder.
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Income, savings, investments, asset, ownership, legacy.
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Now ask a different question.
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Where has another person's behavior been affecting my
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ability to climb?
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Don't make the whole exercise about them because
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that would defeat the purpose.
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Turn the question back towards your own agency.
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What can I do at my current rung?
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And if you're at income, perhaps the move
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is understanding your complete compensation or increasing your
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earning potential.
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If you are working on savings, perhaps the
23:17
move is defining the amount that you personally
23:20
need to create breathing room.
23:23
If you're learning about investing, perhaps the move
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is education and understanding your own options.
23:32
If you're assets, perhaps the move is identifying
23:36
what you want to build next.
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If you're already an owner, perhaps the question
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is protection.
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And if you're thinking about legacy, perhaps it's
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time to ask whether the systems around what
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you have built actually reflect your intentions.
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One move not 17 one.
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And there's another reason financial feminism exists.
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Sometimes the people closest to you cannot be
24:06
the only voices shaping your ambition.
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That doesn't mean you stop loving them.
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It means you widen the room.
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You need women who understand what it means
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to want more without needing them to perform
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success.
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Women who are building, women who are asking
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questions, women who can say, I don't understand
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investing yet.
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I want another source of income, or I'm
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thinking about buying something that creates value.
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I want to build business.
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I want to negotiate.
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I want more options.
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I want to protect what I already created.
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And nobody laughs.
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Nobody tells her she's doing too much and
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nobody makes her apologize for asking the question
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or says, you just think differently than everyone
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else.
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That's community.
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Sometimes you need to hear somebody else say,
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you know what I'm building too.
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Not because the community replaces your relationship.
25:14
It should not, but no one relationship should
25:19
have to supply every form of mentorship, encouragement,
25:25
knowledge, perspective, and ambition that you need.
25:31
So widen the room.
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Your action this week, I'm going to give
25:36
you an assignment.
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I want you to complete the assignment test
25:41
privately.
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Remember it's vision, effort, behavior, and ownership.
25:49
Do not score your partner and do not
25:52
diagnose them and do not use it as
25:55
ammunition in an argument.
25:57
Answer honestly.
26:00
And then I want you to write this
26:01
question.
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What part of my future have I been
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postponing while waiting for someone else to change?
26:10
Sit with that.
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And then what I want you to do
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is choose one responsible action that's within your
26:20
control.
26:22
One phone call, one account review, one class,
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one business step, one financial question, one hour
26:35
of research, one ownership decision.
26:40
That's enough.
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So before we close, I want you to
26:46
say this with me.
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I can love deeply without abandoning myself.
26:53
My ambition is not an insult to everybody
26:57
else.
26:58
My future deserves participation.
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My goals deserve a plan.
27:06
I will not build my entire future around
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another adult eventually changing.
27:12
I will learn what I need to learn.
27:16
I will understand what carries my name.
27:21
I will protect what I built.
27:25
I will choose ownership over avoidance and I
27:30
will keep creating options.
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There is one final sentence I want to
27:36
leave you with.
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You are allowed to love someone without handing
27:41
them veto power over your future.
27:44
That doesn't mean you stop communicating.
27:47
It means you start participating fully in the
27:50
financial life you are building.
27:52
So download the ownership ladder at ownthepurse.com,
27:57
find your rung, choose one move, and then
28:02
come into the financial feminism community and continue
28:05
the conversation with women who are building too.
28:10
No performance, no shame, just better questions, stronger
28:15
decisions, and more ownership.
28:17
I'm Dr. Toneka Bruce.
28:19
This is financial feminism.
28:21
Keep building because ownership creates options.
28:37
More ownership, more freedom.