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Transcript

S4 Ep29: 🤫 Silence! It's Jeff Dunham's Funniest Moments 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, I'm excited, senor.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you excited, Jose?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Probably because you're holding his stick.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have to do jokes like that?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's just weird to me that in front of everyone you're holding Jose's stick.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Any suggestions?
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: You should at least take an out to dinner first.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a stick.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's actually a handle.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: A handle.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you could use Jose as a weapon.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: To hit with.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yes! I want to go back into the box.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, this is awesome! What happened to Frank?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: He got whacked by a jalapeno.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: On the steak.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yes! Think about it.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: You'd be wielding a Mexican lacquer.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: On the steak.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yes! Look, you know how Batman had his sidekick rodin' and one of their weapons was a batarang?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, of course.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Oh dude.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: You just showed your geek.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it smells like loser.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: You are not a loser, senor.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Jose.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Suck up.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Not it reject.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Hey! He can drop you, and then I'll throw down a couple of avocados and we got guacamole.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: I could still burn your ass.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Good point.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Look, wait! The Batman thing just made me think of something.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: If this comedy business doesn't work out for you, yeah, you can be a crime fighter.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: A crime fighter.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you could be done now.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: With Jose, your trusty side stick.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: I see.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: So you're saying I would be a superhero.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: If is this like Jewish?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: No, Jose, you're not Jewish, because then you wouldn't be Jose Jalapino, you'd be Jaime Jalapino.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: On a bagel.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Where would you hold him then?
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: In the hole.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: I am not touching that.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: No, you toddly never have.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: This sucks! So we're a crime fighting teen, senor.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yes! What kind of crime do we fight?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Illegal aliens?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: I think there's a conflict of interest.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Look, so you're finding illegals, whack them on the head with Jose, and every time Jose hits someone, he yells Oleg, yes! Pretty cool, huh?
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: I guess so.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: But uh do I get a costume?
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Anything from those earlier photos.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: I go with the red shorts, senor.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, then you'd be ugly ass cracker land.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, look, for this crime fighting thing, how's Jose gonna dress?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Well, he needs a disguise.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's difficult to hide a big stick.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Not saying anything.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Of course not, you're still holding it.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, this time slightly bigger arrow, more drama.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Look at that I'm a Thesdian Not like Ellen.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Well, she's a lesbian, and I said Thesdian, and the words are similar.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Not in meaning, unless you're a lesbian thesdian.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: I like Ellen.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, she's cute.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: You think I got a shot with her?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: A shot, you know, like to date her?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, come on.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: She could lay on the other team for a little while, you know, like a visitor.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Ahmed, she's married to another woman.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Who is this itch?
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Come on, what does she have that I don't?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: I no longer have a hoo-ha! Don't look! You look to my hoo-ha area, I kill you where you stand.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: But if I kill you, please don't drop me.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: What happened to your hoo-ha?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: He said you no longer have a hoo-ha.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: No, I didn't.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: I said hoo-ha.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: What the hell's a hoo-ha?
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a laughing owl.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: What what happened to your hoo-cha?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, after the explosion, it ended up all that there, all that there, and up there.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: I see.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: So you no longer have a a hoja.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: No, but you like women.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a lesbian.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: I told you I got a shot with Ellen.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Do you think she likes actors?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Let me try this arrow thing one more time.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: I can prove I can act.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, this time, much bigger arrow, much more drama.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: I got shot in the shoulder, not gonna die.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now the stomach.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Tell Ellen I love her.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm done.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: I can sit up now.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, you can't.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Your ribs are caught on your spine, I always like.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Not when she finds out about your mini boyfriend.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: You please listen to what I'm saying.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: I do not talk to horse.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: You are dead to me.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: You're dead to all of us.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: So Ahmed, I'm not listening.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Achmed, there's someone here I want you to meet.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: One of your whore boyfriends?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: I think not! No, I think this is someone you would like to see.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, is it a woman?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: I already have a goat.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: This is a surprise guest.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Ryan Seacrest?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: No, damn it! Look.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: What I want you to do is I just want you to look over there while I'm getting him out so he won't peek.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Just look over there.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, wait a minute.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: When I'm not looking, are you going to kill me?
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's actually a good way of doing it, you know.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of old school but effective.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, hey, look at that.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: No, just look over there and don't look back until I say so.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, whatever.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: This is kind of like Christmas, huh?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Just look over there, okay.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Don't peek.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Not gonna peek.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Could you stay over here?
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, father.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's your son, Ahmed Junior.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: AJ.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Wait, I thought you were dead.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Surprise.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is great.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, what happened to your face?
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, my bad.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Ahmed, he's your son.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Look at him.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: What do you see?
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: Well, he does have my eye.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, I do, yes, I do.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Why do you sound like Elton John?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: When we were separated after the accident, he was raised in England.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Did my mum miss me?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah, I don't know.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: What the hell?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: How do you not know?
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Oops.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: What's wrong with your leg?
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing! What's wrong with my leg?
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Can you fix this?
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Damn it.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Don't look at me.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: He's kind of cute.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, moving on.