Latest / Mic Drop Comedy / Trump Autopens the Iran Deal_ Lands a Res at G7 Summit _ Spawns an Algae Conspiracy _ The Daily Show

Transcript

Trump Autopens the Iran Deal_ Lands a Res at G7 Summit _ Spawns an Algae Conspiracy _ The Daily Show · Mic Drop Comedy

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the show. I am Jordan Klepper. We got
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: so much to talk about tonight. Trump scored a sweet
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: dinner reservation, the workers who got dozed are back for revenge,
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: and the reflecting pool has a raging case of algae.
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: So, if you hooked up with it, you should really
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: get tested.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: But first, Donald Trump's in France, so let's get into
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: it with our continuing coverage of Trump Meets World.
• 0:28
  Speaker 3: International humiliation, one after another.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: Yesterday, Donald Trump touched down in France for the G7 summit,
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: a forum where world leaders meet to discuss a book
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: they all read. This month's pick was Famesick, a really
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: nice choice. Now, the summit is being held in the
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: city of Evian, which costs twice as much as a
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: normal city for no.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: Reason at all.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: I mean, would it kill you to hold this conference
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: in the village of Kirkland's signature?
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: I mean, come on. Come on.
• 1:06
  Speaker 4: Elise.
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: The Elise.
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: But regardless, Trump's been having a blast.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: President Emmanuel Macron welcomed him in what seemed like a
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: very special edition of The Golden Bachelor.
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: Oh, très magnifique.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: Cannot wait to get into the hot tub with this
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: little number.
• 1:22
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: Now, Trump's goal at the summit is to work with
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: our allies and strengthen America's standing in the world.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: I'm f * * * ing with you.
• 1:31
  Speaker 3: No!
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: He's there for the presents.
• 1:34
  Speaker 4: The German chancellor offering President Trump a customized German football jersey. Oh.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: You can tell he really loves it, you know? Wow,
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: a size medium shirt.
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, thanks. You know Cutter got me a plane, right?
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: Although, if the Germans insist on giving Trump one of
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: their uniforms, this probably is the best-case scenario.
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: Just thinking it through here. He's into those heritage editions.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: That's not to say President Trump showed up to the
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: G7 empty, bruised-handed.
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: No.
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: Because he had his own gift for Europe.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: A peace deal with Iran that he just signed two
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: days before.
• 2:26
  Speaker 4: Or.
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: or did he?
• 2:27
  Speaker 4: The president and the vice president signed this agreement electronically
• 2:31
  Speaker 4: 48 hours ago.
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: Well, well, well. An electronic signature, huh?
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: Looks like the auto pen-er has become the auto pen-ee.
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: Got him. Got him. Take that. See that?
• 2:49
  Speaker 4: Hypocrisy.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: Seriously, is a DocuSign peace agreement even legally binding? There's
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: something disqualifying about a treaty that was signed in an
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: open tab next to Pornhub.
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: Now.
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: Police are hanging there.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: Now, so far, Trump is keeping the details of the
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: deal hidden, but it doesn't matter, because the leaders in
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: the region, like the president of the UAE, are just
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: happy for peace.
• 3:21
  Speaker 3: Without your support, your commitment, Mr. President, not my country only,
• 3:25
  Speaker 3: but the Middle East will be in a different part
• 3:29
  Speaker 3: of the world, different situation today.
• 3:33
  Speaker 4: Wow.
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: How moving. I assume. It was a little hard to
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: hear him.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: But I'm sure his demeanor of gratitude and humility is
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: what resonated with President Trump.
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: I love it. Thank you, my friend. See, when you're
• 3:53
  Speaker 3: that rich, you can speak that long. I was just wondering,
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: can anybody hear that? But when you're so rich, you
• 4:03
  Speaker 3: have such confidence that you don't have to do any
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: strain to the voice.
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: It's great.
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: Wow.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: This broken man just had his whole country droned, and
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: Trump is like, hey, check out the president of ASMR
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: over here, huh?
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: What's the matter, drone got your tongue? Nice, great guy,
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: great guy, great guy. This is a big deal.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: The war is finally coming to an end for the
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: 39th and final time. We have now reached the Iran
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: war finished V2 final, final, final.
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: For real this time.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: Dot PDF stage of the whole thing. Wow, okay, but
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: I can only imagine Trump must be so excited to
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: go to this historic signing ceremony on Friday.
• 4:49
  Speaker 3: Sir, are you going to try to attend the signing
• 4:51
  Speaker 3: ceremony on Friday?
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: Well, it depends. JD's coming in for it.
• 4:56
  Speaker 3: He was originally going to do it. I'll probably be
• 4:59
  Speaker 3: gone by then. We're having dinner in.
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: A day and a half, right?
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: We're going to be staying quite late.
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: You're not going to make the signing ceremony on Friday
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: because of your dinner on Wednesday?
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: Just say you don't want to go. Don't insult our intelligence,
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: you know?
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: Oh, I think dinner might go like 50 hours late.
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: Then I have Don Jr. 's improv show. Then it's Ramadan.
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: You know how seriously I take that.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: But if you're missing the war for a dinner, you
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: better be going someplace nice. I'm talking Cheesecake Factory or above.
• 5:38
  Speaker 3: The French president, who happens to be a very nice man,
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: invited me to dinner at Versailles. And Versailles is not
• 5:48
  Speaker 3: a gold leaf. Versailles is the real deal.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: All right, dinner at Versailles.
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: OK, you know what? I'm going to give Trump this one.
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: That's been pinned on his Pinterest board since he was
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: 12 years old.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: I mean, Versailles is a beautiful palace of gold and
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: mirrors where nothing bad ever happens to rich people, yeah?
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: It's his happy place. It's where the.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: Trump family goes to respawn. And, of course, if you're
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: at dinner, you can't sign an agreement. Who's ever heard
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: of signing a treaty at Versailles?
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: It can't be done.
• 6:27
  Speaker 4: Oh.
• 6:28
  Speaker 3: Oh.
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: You know.
• 6:30
  Speaker 4: What?
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: Enjoy it.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: Enjoy it.
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: Enjoy your beautiful dinner at the beautiful.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: Palace, because pretty soon you have to come back to Washington, D.C.,
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: where things have taken a turn.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: The newly renovated reflecting pool, which was painted American flag blue,
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: turned green with algae over the weekend. Holy shit! That
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: pool is green.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: Looks like there was a Grinch orgy in it. Looks
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: like the bathtub where Kermit slit his wrists. Looks like
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: the Statue of Liberty's placenta.
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: In there, am I right?
• 7:06
  Speaker 3: No?
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: Thank you.
• 7:12
  Speaker 3: Thank you.
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: I guilted you into it. Thank you. Well, look, they
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: put $ 14.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: Million into building a state-of-the-art system for keeping this pool clean.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: I bet we're going to see some pretty high-tech solutions
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: kick in any minute.
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: You can see the folks standing at the end. They're
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: dumping jugs of some kind of a liquid into the
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: water of the reflecting pool. Sure.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: Just dump in gallons of hydrogen peroxide.
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: Just love that, guys. First thought, best thought. That's what
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: I always say.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: Well, you know what? As someone who's tried to clean
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: a humidifier the same way, might I recommend just buying
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: a new reflecting pool at Target? The funny thing, the
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: funny thing about this story... He said no one would
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: have cared what the pool looked like if Donald Trump
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: hadn't made it a centerpiece of the MAGA agenda for
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: some reason.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: But he did, which.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: Means that the people who believe in the MAGA agenda,
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: people like right-wing radio host Grant Stinchfield, they're going to
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: have some interesting ideas about how this all happened.
• 8:18
  Speaker 4: There's algae in here again. I feel like it's sabotage.
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: Oh, God.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: Just please tell me we're not doing a reflecting pool
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: conspiracy theory. Just please tell me we're not doing a
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: reflecting pool conspiracy theory.
• 8:43
  Speaker 4: I mean, they had just literally fixed this. You would
• 8:46
  Speaker 4: not have that that quickly unless somebody did something. I'm
• 8:51
  Speaker 4: telling you, I think they want Trump to fail so badly.
• 8:55
  Speaker 4: that they'll come out here and do anything.
• 8:57
  Speaker 3: I agree with you.
• 8:58
  Speaker 4: As proud as I was of President Trump for finally
• 9:01
  Speaker 4: getting this thing fixed.
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: We're back to green.
• 9:06
  Speaker 4: And again, is it nefarious? I tend to think so. Okay.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: I guess it is nefarious if you think about it,
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: and then you don't think about it. And if you
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: don't think about it, Al-G sounds a lot like Al-Qaeda, huh?
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: I mean, how deep does this thing go? My sources
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: aren't telling me like about a foot or a foot
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: and a half. I mean, Grant, Grant, what are we
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: missing here?
• 9:35
  Speaker 4: I still think it may have been sabotage, even though
• 9:37
  Speaker 4: the National Park Service comes out and says, no, no, no,
• 9:40
  Speaker 4: it's not sabotage. They say it was algae residue left
• 9:48
  Speaker 4: over in the pipes. What if the bureaucrats left it
• 9:51
  Speaker 4: over in the pipes on purpose? We know that those
• 9:53
  Speaker 4: inside government don't like President Trump.
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: Yes, of course.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: Those pesky bureaucrats jumped into the pipes to leave algae
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: in there. I believe we have surveillance video of that happening.
• 10:07
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 10:07
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it is. This... this is the beauty of the MAGAverse.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: Donald Trump is never too corrupt or incompetent for the
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: job if you always come up with a new layer
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: of bad guy to blame the problems on. So I
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: know the deep state photosynthesis theory sounds dopey, but so
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: did rigged election at first, and look where that got us.
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: Before you know it, these guys are gonna be doing
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: January 6th in the reflecting pool. Just splashing around, chanting,-
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: Dunk Mike Pence!
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: Dunk Mike Pence!