Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / When Kids Don’t Want to Talk (and What Actually Works)

Transcript

When Kids Don’t Want to Talk (and What Actually Works) · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hello, this is The Happy Family's podcast. It's Friday and
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: we feel good about that. Hopefully you do as well.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: The weekend's just around the corner, and every Friday on
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  Speaker 1: the Happy Families Podcast we reflect on the week that was,
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: what worked, didn't It's called all to do about it?
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: Tomorrow we try to figure out how we can be
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: more intentional and I don't know, just figure out this
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: parenting thing. What's working, what's not and why and how
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: do we do more of the stuff that works. Today
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  Speaker 1: a win for me as I figured out how to
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  Speaker 1: have conversations with my kids when they don't really want
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  Speaker 1: to talk at all. Plus, Kylie has had an insight
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: in terms of why we spend all this money on
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: extra curricular activities when it looks like the kids aren't
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  Speaker 1: enjoying it. Nothing's happening. Stay with us. Hello and welcome
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: to The Happy Families Podcast. Real Parenting Solutions every single
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast, where Justin and
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: Kylie Colson. Normally a whole lot of housekeepings, Kylie, but
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: today there's none. There's literally none. We're at the end
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  Speaker 1: of the month, last day of October and there's nothing
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  Speaker 1: to get excited about. Our old do better tomorrow. So
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  Speaker 1: it's straight over to you. What is your big aha,
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  Speaker 1: your insight, your whoopsie? What have we got?
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  Speaker 2: Samily has only had a few extracurricular activities booked in
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  Speaker 2: this year, and one of them has been music lessons.
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  Speaker 2: We found a teacher who happens to live in our street,
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  Speaker 2: which makes this amazingly convenient.
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  Speaker 1: No more rushing to get into the car her up. We'
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  Speaker 1: going to be late. It's just up you go, and
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  Speaker 1: she walks like one hundred and fifty meters up the
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  Speaker 1: street and she's there.
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  Speaker 2: It's great, amazing. But what is extra special about her teacher, Dan,
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  Speaker 2: is that he has just this incredible way to work
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  Speaker 2: with busy kids. He doesn't sit them down and expect
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  Speaker 2: that they're going to do forty five minutes of this hardcore,
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  Speaker 2: you know, intensive practice. He actually has a studio setup
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  Speaker 2: and they will move from the drums to the guitar
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  Speaker 2: to the piano and just tinker.
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  Speaker 1: Before you talk about wherever you go to go here.
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  Speaker 1: This has been a source of frustration for me because,
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  Speaker 1: as somebody who learned music the traditional way, sitting in
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  Speaker 1: front of the piano and learning how to read notation
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  Speaker 1: and learning the structure of chords and that kind of thing.
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  Speaker 1: I find it really frustrating that Emily can't read music.
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  Speaker 1: And yet everything that I know from scientific research, especially
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  Speaker 1: David Epstein's book Range, is that the more kids just
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  Speaker 1: play around with a whole lot of stuff, the more
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  Speaker 1: they figure out what they like, the more they come
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  Speaker 1: to a nice broad understanding of everything, like range, breadth.
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  Speaker 1: It gives them depth over time. And she's only eleven
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  Speaker 1: right now. We just care about her enjoying it. Nevertheless, Well,
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  Speaker 1: I really.
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  Speaker 2: The parent who's paying the bills, and you're wanting to
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: have an outcome. You're wanting to.
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  Speaker 1: See grade eight.
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  Speaker 2: I want G eight piano. Come on, you want to
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  Speaker 2: see that this is a good investment.
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  Speaker 1: That's right.
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  Speaker 2: And so we've definitely had conversations out had the last
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  Speaker 2: little while because we invested in a drum kit, and
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  Speaker 2: I would say that we get very little.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: I might just add it was an electric drum kit,
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  Speaker 1: because there was no way that we were going to
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  Speaker 1: have a real thing in the house.
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  Speaker 2: Oh my god, But she doesn't play it very often.
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  Speaker 1: No drives me up the wall.
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  Speaker 2: And when we started lessons Dan actually said to her,
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  Speaker 2: what is it that you're interested? And she said, I
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  Speaker 2: just want to learn the drums, And he said, what
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  Speaker 2: about the guitar, what about the piano. She's like, nope,
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  Speaker 2: just the drums, like completely.
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  Speaker 1: Close, really rigid, concrete.
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  Speaker 2: And then she would come home and she'd be like, mum,
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  Speaker 2: guess what I learned today, and she'd get on the
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  Speaker 2: piano and I'd be like, yea, what's going on. I'm
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  Speaker 2: paying for drum lessons.
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  Speaker 1: And then and your fingering is all wrong, like this
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  Speaker 1: is not right. That's how I'm feeling, like, come on.
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  Speaker 2: Anyway, long story short. A couple of days ago, Dan
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  Speaker 2: sent me a video and I can't stop watching this video,
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  Speaker 2: nor can I get the grin off my face. This
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  Speaker 2: kid has picked up this drum beat and she's literally
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  Speaker 2: playing alongside her teacher who's singing and playing the guitar,
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  Speaker 2: and she just looks like an absolute pro.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. I love watching this. Here comes the field. You're ready,
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  Speaker 1: so good, so good? Hang on, we need we need
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  Speaker 1: to finish.
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  Speaker 2: Oh my god, there we go.
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  Speaker 1: I just it's pretty fun when you've got this. Childhood
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  Speaker 1: doesn't seem to be interested, doesn't seem to be practicing
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  Speaker 1: doesn't seem to have any motivation for it at all.
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  Speaker 1: And then you get a video and she's jamming with
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  Speaker 1: the music teacher in the studio up the.
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  Speaker 2: Road, and I think for me, just going through that
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  Speaker 2: process of you know, kind of finding someone who's going
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  Speaker 2: to be a good match and then having an expectation
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  Speaker 2: of what it's going to look like, and it doesn't
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  Speaker 2: come close to meeting the expectations. You wanted her to
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  Speaker 2: learn music and be able to read it and go
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  Speaker 2: through this very formalized, structured process of lessons, and what
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  Speaker 2: she's got is this mismatched mixed match, like just just
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  Speaker 2: almost it feels like ad hoc lessons that have created
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  Speaker 2: this space for her to explore and to try new
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  Speaker 2: things in a really relaxed setting. She doesn't feel like
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  Speaker 2: she has to perform for anyone, and she's really enjoying
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  Speaker 2: the process.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. So in that Range book that I was talking
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  Speaker 1: about some stuff on this kind of thing, and I
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  Speaker 1: have to keep reminding myself of this because it just
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  Speaker 1: doesn't fit with what I think should be happening. But
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  Speaker 1: in the book, he's really clearly the research seems to
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  Speaker 1: indicate that getting that range, getting that breadth. Eventually she'll
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  Speaker 1: figure it out. You don't want to pick too early.
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  Speaker 1: And so one of our other daughters plays the guitar,
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  Speaker 1: and she started the guitar and quit the guitar at
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  Speaker 1: least four times and drove us up the wall and
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  Speaker 1: still really didn't quite work out in notation or anything.
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  Speaker 1: But what's happened is they've learned to be creative with
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  Speaker 1: the music and they're really into making up their own stuff.
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  Speaker 1: Whereas I learned to play by the book. But that's
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  Speaker 1: all I can do. I have no idea how to improvise.
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  Speaker 1: I've got no idea how to make stuff up and compose.
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  Speaker 1: I just my brain hasn't been taught to do that.
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  Speaker 1: Because I sat down and I did the Suzuki memo,
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  Speaker 1: I just learned, you read this, you listen to that,
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  Speaker 1: you play this way. And honestly, I didn't like it,
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  Speaker 1: and so I didn't stick with it, and now I
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  Speaker 1: kind of regret it. But I watched what the kids
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  Speaker 1: can do. I know this is you're I'll do better tomorrow,
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  Speaker 1: but I didn't mean to hijack it. But watching that,
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  Speaker 1: it just it gets me excited again. It's like, this
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  Speaker 1: is why you pay the money, and it's okay if
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  Speaker 1: the kids aren't following the quote unquite traditional pathway. What
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  Speaker 1: are you smiling at? You're laughing at me? Well, I'm
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  Speaker 1: waxing lyrical about our daughter's drumming.
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  Speaker 2: No, I just watched all of the girls. They've done
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  Speaker 2: things very differently, and they've been very sporadic with their
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  Speaker 2: music lessons. But the other day, when I was doing
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  Speaker 2: a bit of a clear out, I messaged down and
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  Speaker 2: I said, I needed one of the guitars really strung.
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  Speaker 2: Do you think that you could do that? And he said, yes,
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  Speaker 2: send it up, that's fine. He brought it back and
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: that afternoon our eldest daughter showed up. It was her
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  Speaker 2: guitar I completely forgotten seven years. And she came into
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  Speaker 2: the living room and she picked it up and she
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  Speaker 2: just started strumming like I've never heard her play like this,
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  Speaker 2: And she was so excited that not only could she
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  Speaker 2: remember playing this song, but that she had her guitar.
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  Speaker 2: And I said, you can take it home, that's one
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  Speaker 2: last thing.
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  Speaker 1: But she was pumped. Yeah, so old do better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 2: Is the takeout messages, the investment of time for your
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  Speaker 2: children to explore. It's not actually about an outcome. It's
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  Speaker 2: actually about giving them the opportunity to explore options.
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  Speaker 1: Love it.
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  Speaker 2: It's so important because you have no idea where you're
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  Speaker 2: going to end up.
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  Speaker 1: Brilliant. Hey, after the break, I nailed it. I nailed
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  Speaker 1: it with a child who did not want to talk
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  Speaker 1: on Sunday morning. Just nailed it. Can't wait to tell
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: you that's next. You're back. This is the Happy Family's podcast.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: If you enjoy what you're hear, give us follow and
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: share the podcast with your friends so that they can
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: make their families HAPPI erup, Kylie Miyol. Do Better Tomorrow
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: is a really simple one. In my book Relationship Rules,
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  Speaker 1: I've got all these conversation starters. Part one is about
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: how we're supposed to talk, things like put your device down,
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: like stop, look and listen, meet each other's eyes, that
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  Speaker 1: kind of thing. Part two of the book is what
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  Speaker 1: should we talk about? Part three is about having tricky conversations.
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  Speaker 1: So on Sunday, I had to drive like two and
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: a half hours down the road. It was a long drive.
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  Speaker 1: I was very excited about it. A couple of kids
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  Speaker 1: had to come with me. They weren't excited about it either,
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: and I said, you know what we're going to do.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: We're going to go through relationship rules. We're going to
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  Speaker 1: go through part two, and we're just going to answer
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  Speaker 1: all these questions and have these conversations. And our fifteen
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  Speaker 1: year old daughter and our eighteen year old daughter looked
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  Speaker 1: at me and rolled their eyes and they were like, really,
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: like do we have to? And I said, yeah, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: actually we do. I opened up the book. I asked
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  Speaker 1: the first question, what are you looking forward to? That
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  Speaker 1: was it? An hour later we were still talking about
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  Speaker 1: just that question. Our fifteen year old daughter did not
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  Speaker 1: want to be involved. She had misery all over her face.
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  Speaker 1: I'm not looking forward to anything. I'm looking forward to
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: when I can ride a horse again. But as Annie
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: and I talked about what we were looking forward to,
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  Speaker 1: the conversation just took on a life of its own,
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: and we're in so many different directions. And that required
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: me to ask questions of Annie and for her to
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: really be willing to elaborate. Oh, we had such fun.
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: I can't believe I just said, like, I sound like
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: I'm my grandma or something like that. We had such fun.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: I feel like I like I'm reading and needed Blaton book.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: But we had such fun, and then the second question
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: and the third question, and pretty soon we're talking about
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: if you're reading a book and you get up to
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  Speaker 1: the and it's a book of your life, and you
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  Speaker 1: get up to today, do you keep reading to find
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: out what happens next year and the year after and
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: next decade, and do you keep reading or do you stop?
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  Speaker 1: And really just so many fun questions. We got to
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  Speaker 1: some of the values questions and they're like, not boring,
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  Speaker 1: keep going. They just want to do all the fun ones.
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  Speaker 1: But Kylie, two and a half hours passed in an instant,
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  Speaker 1: and we just had this great conversation all the way
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  Speaker 1: out there, lots of fun, lots of laughter, and even
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  Speaker 1: the recalcitrant, reluctant, unwilling, moody, gripey, fifteen year old ended
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  Speaker 1: up getting right into it and enjoying it. So my
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: old better tomorrow is grab a copy of relationship Rules
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: and start, I'm just kidding, start having conversations with the
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  Speaker 1: kids about things that are fun and compelling an interest.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: Just start, just invite them into conversations, ask them questions,
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: and then keep that conversation going by asking more questions.
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: Well, it sounds like I should have been in your car.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: What did you talk about in your car dating?
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  Speaker 2: And well the serious.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is the problem. Right, We've got
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: so many kids and we've gotten our big car because
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: we didn't think we need a big car anymore. But
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: every now and again we've got to go somewhere a
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: long way and we've got to take two cars because
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: we don't have a big car. There's an older better tomorrow.
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: Make sure you're upside or downside at the right time.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: Don't go to the world conversations where the kids can
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: be fun. You've just got to really make the effort,
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: and we did that. Anyway. We hope that there's some
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: inspiration for you here, whether it has to do with
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: getting the kids involved in extra activities like music lessons
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: or just having those fun conversations. There's just delight and
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: joy in family life, and we hope you're finding plenty
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: of that, especially this weekend. Baby Family's podcast is produced
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: by Justin Ruhland from Bridge Media. Mim Hammond's provides research,
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: admin and others, and if you'd like more resources to
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: make your family happier, like the book Relationship Rules, you'll
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: find it. All of Happy families, dot com, dot au,