Latest / An ASMR Practice / Straight up, I’m jealous

Transcript

Straight up, I’m jealous · An ASMR Practice

0:02
Speaker 1: Good morning. Good morning, y'all. Oh my gosh, it's so early.
0:06
Speaker 1: It's so early. We're kicking it off quite early this morning.
0:12
Speaker 1: I was feeling jealous. I was feeling jealous at breakfast.
0:15
Speaker 1: There was like a work crew. This is like peak
0:19
Speaker 1: jealousy for me is when there's like a group of men.
0:25
Speaker 2: And they're like.
0:28
Speaker 1: They're like rallied together and it's like clearly they have
0:31
Speaker 1: a mission that they're gonna like do together later and
0:36
Speaker 1: they're sort of just like shooting the shit and like
0:40
Speaker 1: they're just like eating they're just like eating breakfast i
0:45
Speaker 1: am not accepting this this is crazy this is like
0:47
Speaker 1: actually crazy.
0:48
Speaker 2: Um how do you make it like turn down that
0:52
Speaker 2: was way too loud.
1:01
Speaker 1: I don't know.
1:02
Speaker 2: Am I in the wrong area? I have no fucking idea.
1:11
Speaker 2: Let's see. To the left, to the left.
1:23
Speaker 1: To the left.
1:26
Speaker 2: Everything is.
1:28
Speaker 1: But yeah, I was just feeling really jealous. I was like, oh,
1:30
Speaker 1: they're going to like definitely be like shoveling or something
1:33
Speaker 1: together later.
1:33
Speaker 2: And like, I'm so jealous. Oh my God.
1:40
Speaker 1: Sometimes I just want to be a boy so that
1:41
Speaker 1: I can hang out with boys and it's not fucking weird.
1:46
Speaker 2: But why?
1:47
Speaker 1: Why? And I was telling my sister, I was like,
1:51
Speaker 1: you know, I definitely have like a lesbian kind of
1:54
Speaker 1: haircut right now. And I definitely notice that I'm, like,
1:59
Speaker 1: treated differently. And I definitely, like, get some kind of...
2:11
Speaker 1: Fear of, like, well, is it because I have a
2:14
Speaker 1: lesbian haircut or is it because I'm, like, turning 30 soon?
2:18
Speaker 1: Which one is it? But, I mean, it's ridiculous. It's
2:24
Speaker 1: ridiculous to even think this because, like, I would not, like...
2:27
Speaker 1: I know so many, like, beautiful older women. And it's like,
2:30
Speaker 1: I would never, I would never think like that. I
2:33
Speaker 1: will say one time when I was on psychedelics, and
2:37
Speaker 1: I was coming down, but I was still, like, kind
2:40
Speaker 1: of on psychedelics. And I interacted with this, like, middle-aged woman. And, like,
2:45
Speaker 1: the wrinkles on her face were, like, swirling around and shit. And, like,
2:49
Speaker 1: that did kind of scar.
2:50
Speaker 2: Me just a little bit. Just a little bit.
2:55
Speaker 1: And I was just like I was like trying to
2:57
Speaker 1: play it cool but my eyes were probably like twitching
3:00
Speaker 1: I was like what am I seeing right now and
3:05
Speaker 1: so sometimes when I see somebody who's like abundantly wrinkled
3:08
Speaker 1: I'm like is it gonna start swirling oh my god
3:12
Speaker 1: and this also reminds me of another time I just
3:16
Speaker 1: had two coffees in a row so um But they
3:21
Speaker 1: were both, like, half decaf, so I think, like, technically
3:24
Speaker 1: I just had, like, one coffee. Shouldn't have done the
3:27
Speaker 1: second one, though, regardless, because.
3:31
Speaker 1: Oh, boy. Because, oh, boy. Now I'm feeling turbulent. Feeling
3:35
Speaker 1: extremely turbulent. Um, but there was another time....
3:42
Speaker 2: Where....
3:46
Speaker 1: A bunch of people were doing psychedelics... I don't remember
3:52
Speaker 1: any information about this event. I feel like I was
3:55
Speaker 1: just invited. Maybe I orchestrated it.
3:59
Speaker 2: I don't know.
4:00
Speaker 1: This was at a time when like. I just don't
4:02
Speaker 1: even know. But I like pulled up. Pretty late. And
4:08
Speaker 1: like they had already. I want to say they had
4:09
Speaker 1: already like cooked. Like hot dogs and hamburgers. And I
4:16
Speaker 1: was like. Late and like. Probably on drugs. And. It
4:23
Speaker 1: was cold. I remember it was really cold. The wind
4:25
Speaker 1: was like super cold. And I feel like there were
4:27
Speaker 1: like a lot of like couples there. And they were
4:30
Speaker 1: all like snuggled up.
4:32
Speaker 2: The couples.
4:34
Speaker 1: And I was like, I didn't have anyone to snuggle
4:37
Speaker 1: up with. And so I was sort of just like, okay,
4:41
Speaker 1: I'm going to have to go warm up in my
4:42
Speaker 1: car because it's just simply too cold. And I went
4:46
Speaker 1: and then I got like, I got absolutely trapped looking
4:50
Speaker 1: in the mirror. So I was looking in the mirror
4:53
Speaker 1: and I was like tripping a little and I was like,
4:56
Speaker 1: Oh God. And it's like, okay. So the visual hallucination
5:02
Speaker 1: I remember having in this moment was that my mouth
5:05
Speaker 1: became like a literal butthole, like a puckered butthole.
5:10
Speaker 2: In the mirror.
5:11
Speaker 1: And I was like, I got one hand. I was
5:14
Speaker 1: like dying laughing. Cause it was like kind of objectively funny.
5:17
Speaker 1: But then on another hand I was like, I was like,
5:23
Speaker 1: this is scary.
5:25
Speaker 2: I'm literally scared.
5:26
Speaker 1: Oh my god. I have no idea where I'm going.
5:32
Speaker 1: I was hoping it would be like popping off. This
5:34
Speaker 1: is the thing. It's the freaking app lies. It's like,
5:37
Speaker 1: it's popping off. It's like we're paying extra because it's
5:40
Speaker 1: popping off. I get on and it's like nothing's happening. What,
5:43
Speaker 1: because I didn't accept a fucking terrible offer? Are they
5:46
Speaker 1: punishing me? Ugh. I just got a text from my girl,
5:53
Speaker 1: but unfortunately, I'm driving. I'm trying not to be distracted
5:57
Speaker 1: while driving. This is, like, my main goal. I might
6:02
Speaker 1: just need to leave. I don't know. Maybe I just
6:04
Speaker 1: need to leave town. Like, I was at the point
6:07
Speaker 1: again where I was like, I'm so bored, I might
6:09
Speaker 1: as well start working on resumes.
6:12
Speaker 2: I'm so bored.
6:12
Speaker 1: And I know what I need to do. And then
6:15
Speaker 1: I found two jobs postings, and it's like, yeah, I
6:18
Speaker 1: could just, like, apply to these jobs real quick. But
6:21
Speaker 1: then I'm just, like, I'm scared that I'm not, like,
6:23
Speaker 1: in a stable enough mind and that I'm not gonna, like,
6:26
Speaker 1: do the process well enough. Like, I'm not gonna, like.
6:33
Speaker 1: But I feel pretty stable. I don't know. I feel... I.
6:37
Speaker 2: Feel weird. I feel weird.
6:42
Speaker 1: I don't, like, have any desire to, like, waste time feeling....
6:55
Speaker 2: Um, how do I put this? Okay, I know what
6:58
Speaker 2: I'm doing. I know exactly what I'm doing.
7:00
Speaker 1: Okay, see, this doesn't make much sense, though, actually. I
7:03
Speaker 1: probably should not do that. I should probably turn around. Yeah,
7:16
Speaker 1: that would not make much sense. Alright, I gotta pull over. UGH!
7:27
Speaker 1: I don't remember what I was just saying. Um, I feel,
7:34
Speaker 1: I mean, obviously I got broken up with, obviously a
7:37
Speaker 1: dude literally fucking proposed to me, which if I'm just
7:42
Speaker 1: being completely honest, it's like, why did you propose if
7:47
Speaker 1: you weren't like trying to work it out? And it's
7:49
Speaker 1: just like, I hate that I'm being like blamed. And
7:54
Speaker 1: I know everybody throws around this term of, like, gaslighting,
7:58
Speaker 1: but I feel like I'm being gaslit. Straight up. And
8:02
Speaker 1: I don't think it's necessarily deliberate. I think this is just, like,
8:05
Speaker 1: probably the most stubborn person ever.
8:07
Speaker 2: And, like.
8:16
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just bullshit.
8:18
Speaker 1: Like, I understand... It just feels very dramatic. And I
8:26
Speaker 1: feel like my whole life, I've dated a lot of guys.
8:29
Speaker 1: I've been involved in various ways with a lot of guys.
8:33
Speaker 1: And these guys, they are just like not even right.
8:44
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm going to go to a cafe if nothing
8:47
Speaker 2: else transpires. Okay. Oh my gosh. Okay.
9:00
Speaker 1: What?
9:01
Speaker 2: A food truck. Coffee. This is not good. Can I
9:06
Speaker 2: have a seat somewhere? I'd like to sit.
9:10
Speaker 1: The problem is I've already drank two coffees. And I
9:14
Speaker 1: just feel like I might throw up. But I'm pretty
9:16
Speaker 1: sure libraries aren't open on the weekend.
9:20
Speaker 2: This place looks way too fancy. Ugh. All these places
9:26
Speaker 2: look so fancy.
9:27
Speaker 1: Okay.
9:32
Speaker 2: Oh, this one is not fancy, but it kind of
9:34
Speaker 2: is unappealing. Ew, oh my god, okay. Let's see what
9:43
Speaker 2: we got up here.
9:44
Speaker 1: Ooh, okay.
9:47
Speaker 2: Okay, okay, okay. Yes, yes!
9:51
Speaker 1: Yes! Okay, shout out Profit Coffee. Shout out Profit Coffee,
9:57
Speaker 1: wherever this is. oh it's lgbtq.
10:00
Speaker 2: Friendly perfect we love it um.
10:06
Speaker 1: Yeah this is looking good this is looking real good
10:09
Speaker 1: and it's pretty close by perfect um lost profit this
10:15
Speaker 1: is a band i discovered during my like trying to
10:18
Speaker 1: pretend to be, like, um, goth or emo or whatever. Listen,
10:26
Speaker 1: I had some, I had some international friends that were
10:29
Speaker 1: also kind of pretending to be goth and emo.
10:33
Speaker 2: And we were just, like, I don't know, playing around.
10:38
Speaker 1: But yeah, I feel like I'm being gaslit. And I understand, listen,
10:41
Speaker 1: I've never said that I'm not at fault. I'm literally
10:44
Speaker 1: at fault most times. Like, at least a little bit.
10:48
Speaker 1: I've never said I'm.
10:49
Speaker 2: Not at fault.
10:50
Speaker 1: This motherfucker seems to think that he's not at fault.
10:54
Speaker 1: What the hell is this? And let me tell you
10:55
Speaker 1: a memory. You know, I have a lot of these memories.
10:58
Speaker 1: My parents... I'm a child of divorce.
10:59
Speaker 2: I'm a child of divorce.
11:01
Speaker 1: And the motherfuckers, the divorcees, live together. Dude.
11:06
Speaker 2: This is not... This is not good.
11:08
Speaker 1: This is not a good situation to grow up in.
11:11
Speaker 2: And.
11:13
Speaker 1: So I have lots of memories of... Their fighting... Dad
11:18
Speaker 1: storms off. Mom's, like, hysterical emotionally. She's like, how am
11:23
Speaker 1: I going to raise these kids that, like, I had
11:26
Speaker 1: with this guy who's, like, kind of unreliable. And he
11:29
Speaker 1: just stormed off because she's, like, I don't know, yelling
11:32
Speaker 1: at him and being disappointed in him and, like, not
11:34
Speaker 1: accepting him for who he is. Which is, like, pushing
11:38
Speaker 1: him to be, like, an even worse version of who
11:40
Speaker 1: he is. And I know this because I'm the same
11:43
Speaker 1: goddamn way. I'm the same goddamn way. And so then
11:47
Speaker 1: we'd go over to aunt's house, right? We'd go over
11:50
Speaker 1: to auntie's house. And let me tell you how this went.
11:54
Speaker 1: My mom didn't like this either because my aunt, who's
11:57
Speaker 1: in a very successful marriage that has lasted like quite
11:59
Speaker 1: a long time, she would say, why are you making
12:05
Speaker 1: him out to be the bad guy? She's like, it
12:07
Speaker 1: takes two, bitch. I mean, she didn't say it like that,
12:10
Speaker 1: but this is what I learned.
12:12
Speaker 2: It takes two.
12:15
Speaker 1: You can't just blame him for everything. I'm not blaming
12:19
Speaker 1: him for everything. I'm blaming myself probably a lot more
12:21
Speaker 1: than I'm even blaming him. The thing that's unfair, and
12:24
Speaker 1: this happens in every goddamn relationship that I've ever been in,
12:28
Speaker 1: is that I'm already blaming myself. Because I know I'm
12:35
Speaker 1: like my dad, and so I hear my mom's voice,
12:37
Speaker 1: and my brother's voice, criticizing my dad constantly in my head.
12:41
Speaker 1: Where they're like, everything is his fault. If he would
12:44
Speaker 1: have just Changed everything about himself. Then maybe the family
12:48
Speaker 1: would have been okay. Y'all are fucked up. Y'all are
12:51
Speaker 1: straight up fucked up. And I'm sick of these people. And.
12:56
Speaker 2: Whatever.
12:57
Speaker 1: Like, I can play nice with them. But fundamentally... It's
13:01
Speaker 1: not right. It takes two. And... I don't understand this whole, like,
13:07
Speaker 1: picking sides. We're all on the same side. We're all
13:10
Speaker 1: on the same fucking team. And so this is why...
13:13
Speaker 1: This is why... This is why I'm running away. This
13:16
Speaker 1: is why I'm, like, fucking touring. Because it's like, oh,
13:20
Speaker 1: let me go home and, like, you know, and my mom...
13:27
Speaker 1: You know, I was in high school and I got
13:29
Speaker 1: a full-time job. Simply because I was just done seeing
13:32
Speaker 1: my mom. I was just like, I'm done. Because I did, like,
13:36
Speaker 1: one pretty minor slip-up. And bitch reacted worse than a
13:40
Speaker 1: cop would. I'm gonna be honest. She's like screaming and
13:44
Speaker 1: crying like, You're just like your father!
13:48
Speaker 2: Oh my god.
13:49
Speaker 1: And it's like, yeah.
13:51
Speaker 2: Why are you reacting like this?
13:54
Speaker 1: Like, can anybody, can anybody just not take this shit
14:00
Speaker 1: so seriously? Like, oh my god. I had some paraphernalia
14:06
Speaker 1: in my car, okay? It's like not a big deal.
14:09
Speaker 1: It's really not. Like, And don't get me wrong, could
14:12
Speaker 1: I theoretically get arrested for it? Yeah. People get arrested
14:15
Speaker 1: all the time. And this is my beef. This is
14:18
Speaker 1: my biggest beef. Why are we holding women to this
14:23
Speaker 1: crazy fucking... And this is why I struggle to have girlfriends.
14:27
Speaker 2: Honestly.
14:28
Speaker 1: It's because women are out here moral policing each other.
14:35
Speaker 1: To an extent that it's like, I don't want to
14:37
Speaker 1: participate in this. And fortunately for me, I have a
14:41
Speaker 1: couple of girlfriends that are down to freaking clown and like,
14:46
Speaker 1: and they do, they do morally police a little bit.
14:51
Speaker 1: And ultimately I've learned like, this is their own thing.
14:53
Speaker 1: Like I've learned sort of what information is good for who,
14:59
Speaker 1: you know? Cause like, you know, I have one friend
15:01
Speaker 1: that's like, she's got some stuff. She's got some stuff.
15:07
Speaker 1: pertaining to like her religious upbringing and just like her
15:14
Speaker 1: own kind of sense of jealousy I would say and
15:20
Speaker 1: so it's like yeah there's some there's some things I
15:22
Speaker 1: don't tell her not because I'm ashamed but because I
15:28
Speaker 1: already know how she's gonna react I've heard it I've
15:29
Speaker 1: heard it a million times I don't need to hear
15:31
Speaker 1: it anymore And you know, I got another friend who
15:38
Speaker 1: is like kind of taking steps towards that same direction.
15:42
Speaker 2: Oh gosh. You think this is going to be good?
15:44
Speaker 1: Oh, I am not going to Dollar General.
15:46
Speaker 2: This is simply shop for two items. Okay. The item
15:59
Speaker 2: list is kind of compelling. Okay.
16:06
Speaker 1: Ugh. I mean, sure, I can do this. I hate
16:14
Speaker 1: going into Dollar General, but I bet in this area
16:17
Speaker 1: it's probably better. Because, like, yeah, when I used to, like,
16:20
Speaker 1: be doing this in, like, Vermont, the Dollar General in
16:24
Speaker 1: Vermont was really fucked.
16:26
Speaker 2: Like, extremely fucked.
16:28
Speaker 1: And they didn't, there was no, like, Wi-Fi.
16:30
Speaker 2: Like, there was no service. And so....
16:38
Speaker 1: It was, like, my phone wouldn't even work. My phone
16:41
Speaker 1: would just be, like, absolutely, like, freaking out. And I'd be, like,
16:46
Speaker 1: in there trying to do what I'm supposed to do. It's, like,
16:48
Speaker 1: not organized at all. But I have faith. Because, yeah,
16:52
Speaker 1: definitely different dollar generals are different. And it's a pretty, like,
16:57
Speaker 1: clean area. But, yeah, just, like, the standard. Like, and
17:03
Speaker 1: this is why I get jealous. This is why I
17:04
Speaker 1: get jealous watching the, like, presumably some kind of like
17:08
Speaker 1: technical trade like they looked like they kind of had
17:12
Speaker 1: like a suntan i would say and like they were
17:16
Speaker 1: talking they were vaguely at some point like discussing some
17:20
Speaker 1: aspect of the job and it was like involving like
17:24
Speaker 1: wires and tools and stuff okay this park is beautiful
17:27
Speaker 1: oh my god oh my gosh what is this called
17:31
Speaker 1: quarterman park oh my gosh there's so many geese Wow. Fabulous.
17:40
Speaker 2: Wow.
17:42
Speaker 1: Um... So, I just kind of gather... And it's like... Oh, wait.
17:45
Speaker 1: What was I saying about that? Yeah, because it's like...
17:48
Speaker 1: The nature of the conversation was, like, so low stakes.
17:51
Speaker 1: It was so low stakes. And this is what I, like,
17:54
Speaker 1: am jealous of about guys.
17:57
Speaker 2: It's like.
17:57
Speaker 1: Because... I feel like women... And I'm generalizing, obviously, in
18:03
Speaker 1: a really big way. But, like... I feel like women
18:07
Speaker 1: very rarely have like low stakes conversations. It's like everything
18:10
Speaker 1: is extremely serious. Do you want to lick on my butt?
18:17
Speaker 2: Who's honking?
18:18
Speaker 1: Why are we honking? It's like not even 9 in
18:20
Speaker 1: the morning.
18:22
Speaker 2: Oh my god. Okay, this is a beautiful area.
18:25
Speaker 1: I don't even know what's going on. But... Yeah.
18:32
Speaker 2: I think.
18:33
Speaker 1: I think I just... have seldom got the opportunity to
18:36
Speaker 1: like goof around with friends like i feel like the
18:40
Speaker 1: most goofing i ever do is like with partners and
18:45
Speaker 1: then it's like and so this is just why i
18:49
Speaker 1: struggle to have girlfriends i don't know it's just like
18:56
Speaker 1: way too serious all this stuff and I do have
19:03
Speaker 1: some I do have some but yeah and I think
19:12
Speaker 1: it is possible like I think I'm gonna find my
19:15
Speaker 1: my crowd but I do I don't know I don't
19:29
Speaker 1: know dude I don't know Maybe that's all I have.
19:37
Speaker 1: I'm just, I'm jealous. I'm jealous. And I'll admit it.
19:41
Speaker 2: I have jealousy.
19:42
Speaker 1: I'll tell you what I don't have jealousy for. This bitch,
19:45
Speaker 1: I think I already talked about it, but this bitch
19:47
Speaker 1: was like, you're jealous of me. I was like, oh.
19:53
Speaker 2: Maybe in a way.
19:56
Speaker 1: But yeah not not really I I'm mostly jealous of
20:04
Speaker 1: men and the nature of their friendships Because it just
20:08
Speaker 1: seems pretty easy. It just seems pretty freaking easy. And
20:14
Speaker 1: I just feel intimidated by most women. Or I just
20:17
Speaker 1: feel like they're expecting a lot out of me. And
20:22
Speaker 1: this is a thing too. And I told my.
20:24
Speaker 2: Old roommate this.
20:25
Speaker 1: And he thought it was really funny.
20:27
Speaker 2: He was not an ex.
20:30
Speaker 1: He was just like a third guy who was living there.
20:33
Speaker 1: I was like, listen, I've dated women, and it's like,
20:35
Speaker 1: they're just telling me what to do. They're literally just
20:38
Speaker 1: telling me what to do and what not to do
20:41
Speaker 1: all the fucking time. You know, it's like, I've been
20:44
Speaker 1: on dates, and it's the same with friends. I mean,
20:47
Speaker 1: it's a little different with friends. But it's like, they're
20:51
Speaker 1: telling me not to cuss. They're telling me to, like,
20:53
Speaker 1: laugh quieter. They're telling me not to, like, be myself
20:59
Speaker 1: they're like no they're like you can't be yourself we're
21:01
Speaker 1: in public i'm like bro what the fuck oh god
21:09
Speaker 1: like laugh quiet like don't don't laugh so loud what.
21:14
Speaker 2: Oh my god and.
21:17
Speaker 1: I just gotta let it go right this is like
21:19
Speaker 1: the the perennial advice i keep getting it's just like
21:21
Speaker 1: let it go girl why are you tweaking out And so.
21:36
Speaker 2: That's all I know.
21:42
Speaker 1: That is all I know.
21:49
Speaker 2: And then like.
21:49
Speaker 1: I feel like lately. My closest girlfriends. They're like. or
21:57
Speaker 1: I don't know I.
21:59
Speaker 2: Don't want to say closest per.
22:00
Speaker 1: Se but like I feel like they're like extremely conspiratorial
22:05
Speaker 1: in different directions like and you know I just I
22:11
Speaker 1: try to enjoy the show I try to just let
22:13
Speaker 1: them be for the most part because yeah it's kind
22:18
Speaker 1: of fun to be conspiratorial It's a version of not
22:25
Speaker 1: taking things so seriously. I guess it depends what kind
22:28
Speaker 1: of things you're conspiring about. I think, like, the more
22:31
Speaker 1: absurd it is.
22:32
Speaker 2: The better.
22:33
Speaker 1: Because it's, like....
22:37
Speaker 2: It's just sort of goofing off.
22:42
Speaker 1: But then it gets scary sometimes when you have, like,
22:44
Speaker 1: a friend like this. Who's, like, really conspiratorial in, like,
22:49
Speaker 1: a way that's, like, kind of absurd. And... But then,
22:54
Speaker 1: and then you're, like, kind of laughing, and you think
22:57
Speaker 1: that they're goofing off, but then they're actually, like, they're like, no, no, no,
23:02
Speaker 1: but really.
23:03
Speaker 2: And it's like, oh, boy.
23:06
Speaker 1: Oh, boy. What have we done? You know? So that's, like,
23:13
Speaker 1: an awkward kind of moment. Lots of awkward moments lately.
23:18
Speaker 1: I'm excited to be in Florida again. Alright, so I
23:22
Speaker 1: thought I could park here, but that's definitely, like, not
23:25
Speaker 1: a place to park.
23:28
Speaker 2: Okay.
23:29
Speaker 1: Alright, I gotta go, guys. I gotta go to Darjeel. Bye.