Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 428. Should I have told my friend her partner was cheating on her? & other friendship dilemmas. (Headnoise)

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428. Should I have told my friend her partner was cheating on her? & other friendship dilemmas. (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:10
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful people, and welcome to the episode of Today.
0:14
Speaker 1: So today's episode is all about our listener questions. Is
0:18
Speaker 1: the email questions? And I am like, I just glanced
0:22
Speaker 1: over these titles as well, and I'm loving them. They're juicy,
0:26
Speaker 1: They're great, very head noisy. I'm obsessed. Let's just get
0:29
Speaker 1: straight into it. I'm going to go over four questions today,
0:33
Speaker 1: So let's begin. I'm not going to fuck around. Life update.
0:37
Speaker 1: All is well, everything's great, Okay, let's get also, actually,
0:41
Speaker 1: I will give you a life update. How's this for
0:44
Speaker 1: a life update? My dog Hbib. You guys know him,
0:48
Speaker 1: you love him. He's appeared sometimes on like social media
0:51
Speaker 1: and the video podcast. Is this like American staffy cross.
0:55
Speaker 1: We don't know what rescued from the pound anyway, the
0:58
Speaker 1: last few days slash about for a month. He will
1:04
Speaker 1: walk perfectly fine, go to the dog park. He goes
1:06
Speaker 1: hard at the dog park, like I'm talking, he goes
1:09
Speaker 1: hard with the bigger dogs. He is relentless, never stops,
1:13
Speaker 1: sleeps a lot at home though, and his left leg.
1:16
Speaker 1: When he's at home, specifically, he will when he's standing,
1:20
Speaker 1: he hovers his left paw just tapping on the ground
1:23
Speaker 1: he won't put all his wet on his left paw,
1:24
Speaker 1: But the moment he's running or walking, he's perfectly fine.
1:27
Speaker 1: So I was like, something's up? Is it in his paw?
1:29
Speaker 1: Is it his hip? I was trying to squeeze in
1:31
Speaker 1: his hip. Nothing, no pain, nothing. Took him to the ved,
1:34
Speaker 1: and the Vet's like, look, it could be a something
1:37
Speaker 1: in his knee. We think it's like the cruciate ligament,
1:41
Speaker 1: so it could be a tear. And if it's just
1:44
Speaker 1: like a partial tear, we've got to give him two
1:46
Speaker 1: weeks of total rest. And if it recovers in those
1:49
Speaker 1: two weeks and it's the partial turn, and we can
1:50
Speaker 1: determine if he needs more rest or if he can
1:52
Speaker 1: slowly get back into exercise, like harder exercise. If it's
1:55
Speaker 1: like a full tear, then he'll probably need surgery. But
1:59
Speaker 1: then so we're at the fucking vet. It gets better there.
2:02
Speaker 1: We had to sedate him, We had to give him
2:04
Speaker 1: all these drugs because her bib gets really like. He
2:06
Speaker 1: loves going to the vet, but at the moment you
2:07
Speaker 1: close the door of the room, he gets really stressed.
2:11
Speaker 1: The vet cannot get near him, can't touch him. This
2:13
Speaker 1: is like a big dog. You probably don't want to
2:14
Speaker 1: get up in his grill if he's unhappy. So we
2:17
Speaker 1: had to like drug him. The poor thing was so groggy.
2:20
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god, I've drugged my son.
2:22
Speaker 1: It was so just awful. And he was like his
2:24
Speaker 1: eyes were all red and baby. Anyway, so he was there,
2:27
Speaker 1: they felt around whatever, and she said, look, we could
2:30
Speaker 1: x ray him for one nine hundred dollars. No less,
2:36
Speaker 1: I'm like, on what fucking planet does an X ray
2:39
Speaker 1: cost one thousand, nine hundred dollars? But anyway, moving on,
2:41
Speaker 1: She's like, we can x ray him even though the
2:44
Speaker 1: x ray this is a ligament. An X ray will
2:48
Speaker 1: not pick up on the ligament because the X ray
2:50
Speaker 1: is for bones. But what an X ray will probably
2:52
Speaker 1: pick up on is like a road erosion or damage
2:55
Speaker 1: or like arthritic whatever in his knee. But I'm like, bro,
2:59
Speaker 1: if this just a couple of weeks ago, then are
3:01
Speaker 1: we going to see much erosion or much damage. She's
3:03
Speaker 1: like I don't know, and I'm like, I'm sorry, but
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Speaker 1: this is not a diagnostic tool. So why am I
3:08
Speaker 1: going to drop nineteen hundred dollars for something that's not
3:10
Speaker 1: even a diagnostic tool? Well, we're not even gonna get
3:12
Speaker 1: the answers when you're still gonna tell me to rest
3:15
Speaker 1: the cunt. So anyway, we're like no. So now he's
3:18
Speaker 1: on two weeks. She's got She's like, look, do the
3:20
Speaker 1: two weeks of rest regardless and see what happens. So
3:23
Speaker 1: he is hating me. I'm getting all these like entertaining
3:26
Speaker 1: toys with treats and stuff to like stimulate him mentally
3:29
Speaker 1: at home, but he just wants to run free in
3:32
Speaker 1: the park and he looks at me and he cries
3:34
Speaker 1: every day. But anyway, that's my life update. So I've
3:37
Speaker 1: got a crying Kabib in the home. We're giving him
3:39
Speaker 1: lots of love, lots of treats. He's yeah, anyway, poor child.
3:44
Speaker 1: But yeah, it's day four of fourteen day bed rest.
3:48
Speaker 1: He's unimpressed. Okay, let's get into the questions. This one
3:54
Speaker 1: is called should I have told my friend that her
3:56
Speaker 1: boyfriend was cheating on her? Than hire Alexis, Thank you
4:01
Speaker 1: so much for all your episodes. Have been a long
4:03
Speaker 1: time listener since twenty twenty. We've got an oj bean
4:06
Speaker 1: here and I really appreciate all the work that goes
4:08
Speaker 1: into the podcast and a huge congratulations on your pregnancy.
4:11
Speaker 1: Thank you. My main question is why is getting over
4:14
Speaker 1: my best friend breakup so difficult? I lost contact with
4:18
Speaker 1: my best friend around last year, who i'd spent three
4:21
Speaker 1: years living with and doing everything with it UNI, from
4:24
Speaker 1: waking up to sleeping. Our whole routine was in sync.
4:26
Speaker 1: We ate the same, went to the gym together. We
4:28
Speaker 1: picked the same subjects as well to study. It was
4:30
Speaker 1: literally the best friendship. When UNI finished, things started drifting,
4:34
Speaker 1: but I was still making an effort to keep in contact.
4:37
Speaker 1: She'd stopped answering my messages and calls, and that's when
4:40
Speaker 1: we had our first mini breakup, where we didn't speak
4:42
Speaker 1: for six months. There was never an acknowledgment. I just
4:45
Speaker 1: stopped message messaging and I didn't hear back from her
4:49
Speaker 1: during the time. I missed her very much, so decided
4:51
Speaker 1: to bite the bullet and just sent her a message.
4:53
Speaker 1: She was very receptive and we ended up talking again.
4:56
Speaker 1: It was like nothing had ever gone wrong. Then, around
4:59
Speaker 1: April last year, I found out from a mutual friend
5:01
Speaker 1: that her long term boyfriend of six slash seven years
5:04
Speaker 1: had been cheating on her. I asked the mutual friend
5:08
Speaker 1: who he had this information from. And he said the
5:11
Speaker 1: boyfriend's best friend. I slept on this information for a day,
5:15
Speaker 1: and I ended up making the decision that if this
5:17
Speaker 1: was me, I would want to know this information for context.
5:20
Speaker 1: From jan to April, we weren't in as much intense
5:23
Speaker 1: contact as we were before we were speaking every other week.
5:27
Speaker 1: When we were speaking every other week. When I told
5:29
Speaker 1: her over the phone, we live very far from each other,
5:32
Speaker 1: so calling and texting was our main form of communication,
5:35
Speaker 1: she went very quiet, which is completely understandable. She said
5:38
Speaker 1: she was going to call him, and that was the
5:40
Speaker 1: last time I heard her voice. I messaged her a
5:43
Speaker 1: couple of hours later, and she said she wasn't angry
5:45
Speaker 1: with me, she was just upset with the whole situation.
5:47
Speaker 1: I had sent the very last message saying that was
5:50
Speaker 1: completely understandable and that she could call me whenever she needed.
5:54
Speaker 1: She never replied to that message, and I did not
5:56
Speaker 1: hear from her again. We had each other on socials,
5:58
Speaker 1: and around August I had all of my socials by LinkedIn.
6:02
Speaker 1: I noticed she had removed me off LinkedIn, and my
6:04
Speaker 1: reasoning was that she thought I had removed her off
6:06
Speaker 1: other socials I was deactivating on I was deactivated on
6:11
Speaker 1: so in a haste, I removed her too. After activating,
6:14
Speaker 1: I realized now that was a very big mistake and
6:16
Speaker 1: very childish. I was twenty three at the time. Not
6:18
Speaker 1: for not justifying, but just for context. Fast forward to today,
6:23
Speaker 1: and I've thought about her every day since April last year.
6:26
Speaker 1: What doesn't help is that I saw her the other day,
6:28
Speaker 1: even though we do not live near each other, and
6:30
Speaker 1: she saw me and looked away. I really want to
6:33
Speaker 1: reach out to her, but I also don't want to
6:35
Speaker 1: be the one to reach out again. I just feel
6:38
Speaker 1: like I'm in limbo. I can't help comparing all my
6:40
Speaker 1: female friendships to her and feeling like I will never
6:42
Speaker 1: have the same friendship with anyone else. It was really
6:45
Speaker 1: like we were sisters. I'd found my soulmate in her.
6:47
Speaker 1: We were so similar. She understood me and I her.
6:50
Speaker 1: I just don't know how to get over the situation.
6:53
Speaker 1: I can't deal with constantly battling over the same thoughts
6:56
Speaker 1: over and over of whether I should reach out to
6:58
Speaker 1: her again. That's what makes me think, should I have
7:01
Speaker 1: ever told her that her boyfriend was cheating on her?
7:03
Speaker 1: Was that my place to say? I feel so guilty
7:06
Speaker 1: and I'm ninety nine percent sure that they are not
7:08
Speaker 1: together anymore. Any advice would be so appreciated, and thank
7:11
Speaker 1: you so much for reading all of that. Okay, if
7:14
Speaker 1: let's first address your initial question. The question is should
7:17
Speaker 1: I have told my best friend that her boyfriend was
7:19
Speaker 1: cheating on her? Ah? Yes? Yes. I can't think of
7:24
Speaker 1: a scenario where, like imagine image and your mom's eye,
7:32
Speaker 1: if Tyrone was cheating on me and live knew about
7:34
Speaker 1: it and just didn't say anything, imagohen a world where
7:38
Speaker 1: that scenario would exist. Never. Okay, So the delivery was
7:43
Speaker 1: it right? Could I have done it better? There's all
7:45
Speaker 1: these other questions around, But do I personally think that
7:48
Speaker 1: as a best friend, you did the right thing in
7:51
Speaker 1: telling her that her boyfriend was cheating on her? Yes? Yes,
7:55
Speaker 1: Because what we also need to understand is that life
7:58
Speaker 1: sucks sometimes all adults, and I think it is appropriate,
8:03
Speaker 1: especially towards the people that you care about, that you
8:05
Speaker 1: give them the information that is available and they can
8:10
Speaker 1: choose to do what they want with that information. Okay,
8:13
Speaker 1: So if Lifts came up to me and said, I
8:16
Speaker 1: know for a fact I have like I've seen it
8:19
Speaker 1: with my own eyes, that you are being cheated on.
8:22
Speaker 1: That's one thing. But then she could also come and say, listen,
8:25
Speaker 1: this is what i've heard. I'm not going to get involved.
8:27
Speaker 1: I don't want to say, but I'm just telling you
8:29
Speaker 1: what I heard because i'm your best friend and I'm
8:30
Speaker 1: going to communicate what I can. But someone told me
8:33
Speaker 1: through someone else who knows someone else, that they think
8:36
Speaker 1: that your partner's cheating on you, then maybe I would
8:38
Speaker 1: take it a bit lighter. They would be like, okay,
8:41
Speaker 1: I'll take that on board. Whatever, But irrelevant of how
8:44
Speaker 1: the information came about, you were just relaying information that
8:50
Speaker 1: you think is important that your friend knows. At the
8:53
Speaker 1: very least, it's important that she knows that when you
8:56
Speaker 1: found out, you didn't you didn't hold that in information
9:00
Speaker 1: from her. You shared that information from her. So I
9:04
Speaker 1: think that you were just doing the right thing as
9:07
Speaker 1: a friend and saying this is just what i've heard.
9:10
Speaker 1: I'm not saying he's a cheater. I'm not saying i've
9:12
Speaker 1: seen it with my own eyes. I'm just telling you
9:15
Speaker 1: what I heard, and that's what you did. Okay, she's
9:18
Speaker 1: gone all quiet, she's all she's all hurt, she's whatever,
9:21
Speaker 1: which fair enough because she now has. Maybe it consolidated
9:28
Speaker 1: something that she already had ideas about, Maybe she already knew,
9:30
Speaker 1: maybe she had no idea irrelevant. The point is that
9:33
Speaker 1: to find out that your partner is cheating on you,
9:35
Speaker 1: she's very hurt. So I wouldn't judge her on her
9:38
Speaker 1: initial reaction because she's being dealt a massive blow. The
9:42
Speaker 1: last thing on her mind is going to be like, oh,
9:44
Speaker 1: but how do I make my friend feel good about
9:46
Speaker 1: telling me about this? That's not a responsibility in that time, right,
9:49
Speaker 1: it's going through a hard thing. We will have to
9:50
Speaker 1: give each other a bit of grace. So in that
9:52
Speaker 1: interaction of telling her, which I think you did the
9:55
Speaker 1: right thing, her reaction of being super cold and like
9:57
Speaker 1: brushing you or not wanting to talk, that's okay initially
10:00
Speaker 1: because she's just trying to deal with it. What we're
10:03
Speaker 1: looking at here is how things progressed after the fact.
10:07
Speaker 1: You know, this is kind of like she what she's
10:09
Speaker 1: doing here is a bit of kind of like shooting
10:12
Speaker 1: the messenger. She's linking you to her pain from discovering
10:18
Speaker 1: that her partner was cheating on her, or from discovering
10:22
Speaker 1: that there were like cracks in her relationship, which then
10:24
Speaker 1: causes like issues and arguments and whatever. He might deny it,
10:27
Speaker 1: they might have stayed together, whatever, but maybe it's started
10:30
Speaker 1: like the doubting phase of her and her partner, and
10:33
Speaker 1: she's linking you to that. So what can you do
10:38
Speaker 1: about it? Yes, you give it cooling off. Time you've
10:41
Speaker 1: tried to reach out to her, she's not interested. Literally
10:44
Speaker 1: saw you on the street. She doesn't want to barf you.
10:47
Speaker 1: So now we're kind of looking at two things. Number one,
10:51
Speaker 1: are you going to feel morally comfortable with your actions
10:53
Speaker 1: throughout the friendship? And number two, what are you going
10:55
Speaker 1: to do about the potential resurrection of this friendship. The
10:58
Speaker 1: first thing is you you have to get very, very
11:01
Speaker 1: very clear on where you stand morally with your actions
11:05
Speaker 1: within what happened, Because if it doesn't matter what I say,
11:09
Speaker 1: If you think, fuck, I should never have told her,
11:12
Speaker 1: then maybe that's something that you want to talk to
11:15
Speaker 1: your friend about and say. From my perspective, I regret
11:17
Speaker 1: telling you because blah blah blah blah blah. But you've
11:19
Speaker 1: got to morally back yourself on what you did or not.
11:24
Speaker 1: So I think you should back yourself. I think that
11:27
Speaker 1: that's the fair thing to do. I don't think it's
11:29
Speaker 1: our job to shield people from reality. Part of life
11:35
Speaker 1: is painful, okay, and it is not our responsibility to
11:40
Speaker 1: decide what pain our friends will experience and what they
11:44
Speaker 1: won't experienced, especially when the repercussions of that thing is
11:47
Speaker 1: going to negatively impact their lives. Like if you don't
11:50
Speaker 1: tell your friend that the partner is cheating on them,
11:53
Speaker 1: then they can't make an informed decision of the person
11:56
Speaker 1: that they want to be with. They are with someone
11:58
Speaker 1: who they don't really know. They don't know something about
12:01
Speaker 1: that person. That's not fair, especially when you have that
12:03
Speaker 1: information and they don't have that information. So I think
12:07
Speaker 1: we can let that one die. You've done the right thing.
12:11
Speaker 1: Moving on, Let's now tackle the actual friendship. There's a
12:17
Speaker 1: couple of things going on. You are mourning a friendship
12:20
Speaker 1: that was incredible, but that doesn't mean for like this is,
12:23
Speaker 1: let's say it doesn't work out ever again. Then I'm
12:26
Speaker 1: gonna say what happens if it does work out. If
12:27
Speaker 1: it doesn't work out, you had this dream, dream friendship
12:33
Speaker 1: where everything aligned, all the stars aligned, lived together, you
12:35
Speaker 1: ate together, you went to the gym together, you went
12:37
Speaker 1: to union together. Everything was incredible. One of my good
12:39
Speaker 1: girlfriends from the Red Bull group, there's like the eleven
12:42
Speaker 1: of us. Danny, we had a very similar thing. We
12:45
Speaker 1: both worked at Red Bull, we both lived together, we'd
12:47
Speaker 1: both go and train at the gym together. We did
12:49
Speaker 1: so much together. Then Friday nights we've go out for
12:51
Speaker 1: drinks together, and then it was unbelievable. So I know exactly,
12:56
Speaker 1: I know exactly what that's like. It's like you're living
12:59
Speaker 1: kind of with a soul mate, but who's the best friend,
13:01
Speaker 1: and it's just it's just absolute vibes. But the problem
13:04
Speaker 1: is that now you're looking, you're comparing everything to that.
13:08
Speaker 1: What you have to think about is, regardless if we
13:11
Speaker 1: become friends again, regardless of what happens, we have evolved
13:15
Speaker 1: and matured. It's been a year or two, like things
13:17
Speaker 1: have developed, things have changed. So if I'm going to
13:20
Speaker 1: try and resurrect this friendship, and if the friendship resurrects,
13:24
Speaker 1: I can't keep comparing it to these glory days of
13:27
Speaker 1: where we you know, where there was this particular point
13:30
Speaker 1: in our lives where everything aligned. It's going to be
13:32
Speaker 1: it could be great, but it's evolving and it's going
13:35
Speaker 1: to be different. Okay, so you have to That's the
13:37
Speaker 1: first thing that I want you to think about. It's like,
13:38
Speaker 1: I can't keep keep romanticizing that time and wanting that
13:44
Speaker 1: exact time back, because regardless of if you become friends
13:47
Speaker 1: with her again or not, that time is gone, that
13:50
Speaker 1: time has finished, that time is over. So your friendship
13:53
Speaker 1: is going to be different. The components of what makes
13:55
Speaker 1: you guys friends is going to look different. You don't
13:58
Speaker 1: live near each other, everything's funk calls and text any way,
14:00
Speaker 1: the dynamic is very different. So don't think I want
14:04
Speaker 1: that again. You've got to think I want her in
14:07
Speaker 1: my life because she also separate to the fact that
14:11
Speaker 1: we had so much fun and whatever, what else does
14:13
Speaker 1: she bring to the table as a friend? What else
14:15
Speaker 1: does she bring emotionally, as far as humor, as far
14:18
Speaker 1: as experiences that we can share together moving forward? That's
14:21
Speaker 1: what you're going to focus on. Then you've got to think,
14:25
Speaker 1: where's the autonomy and all of this, Like, has she
14:27
Speaker 1: made it clear enough that she just doesn't want a
14:31
Speaker 1: friendship with me? Because no matter what, it's fifty to
14:36
Speaker 1: fifty or it's one hundred one hundred, But the point
14:38
Speaker 1: is that we you know, a friendship, no matter how
14:43
Speaker 1: good it used to be, no matter how you feel,
14:45
Speaker 1: no matter how much you miss them, If they don't
14:47
Speaker 1: want to be there, they're not the friend for you.
14:51
Speaker 1: If someone doesn't want to be your friend, they're not
14:54
Speaker 1: a friendship that's worth mourning and crying and being like
14:59
Speaker 1: I've lost the whatever. If you, by doing the right thing,
15:02
Speaker 1: morally lost a friendship, that friendship did not stand the
15:06
Speaker 1: test of time. And that's not a stab at her,
15:09
Speaker 1: it's not a stab at you, and it's not a
15:10
Speaker 1: stab at your friendship. It's certain friendships are seasonal and
15:15
Speaker 1: certain friendships are forever, and if this friendship couldn't survive
15:20
Speaker 1: that test of you being honest, then it just is
15:25
Speaker 1: a friendship that does not stand the test of time.
15:28
Speaker 1: You've done nothing wrong. She might have reacted in the
15:31
Speaker 1: way that she had the capacity that she had to
15:33
Speaker 1: react with at the time. We're not going to be
15:36
Speaker 1: blaming people on what they should have done and who
15:38
Speaker 1: could have been more adult in this. The point is
15:39
Speaker 1: we're dealing with facts right now. If she can't see
15:44
Speaker 1: that this friendship is worth salvaging, if she can't see
15:47
Speaker 1: that you did nothing wrong, If maybe she knows you
15:50
Speaker 1: did nothing wrong. Maybe she's aware offul of that, but
15:52
Speaker 1: she just associates you too much with that pain, and
15:55
Speaker 1: she's like, I want a new chapter in my life
15:57
Speaker 1: that includes different friends, different whatever, and she is willing
16:01
Speaker 1: to just, you know, get rid of the friendship. There's
16:04
Speaker 1: your answer. Because no matter how much, no matter how
16:08
Speaker 1: much I love someone, no matter how much I love
16:10
Speaker 1: my friends, if my friend doesn't want to be my
16:12
Speaker 1: friend and they're actively not engaging while I've reached out,
16:16
Speaker 1: they're actively not looking at me when I'm trying to
16:18
Speaker 1: make out contact and engage with them on the street.
16:20
Speaker 1: If they're actively showing me again and again that they
16:23
Speaker 1: do not want this friendship, then I need to snap
16:28
Speaker 1: out of it, and I need to respect that. You
16:31
Speaker 1: can't be pushing against someone who doesn't want a relationship
16:35
Speaker 1: with you, because the point of a relationship, what makes
16:38
Speaker 1: a friendship a friendship, is their desire to also want
16:41
Speaker 1: to reciprocate the relationship. You brought yourself to this relationship,
16:46
Speaker 1: you can also bring yourself to other relationships. Okay, doesn't
16:50
Speaker 1: feel like it right now because you're mourning it, but
16:53
Speaker 1: that's the truth of it. Now. The last thing that
16:55
Speaker 1: you can do you know is if I were you?
16:58
Speaker 1: Because you're you're torturing yourself right now. You're going back
17:03
Speaker 1: and forth saying, you know she was my soulmate. I
17:05
Speaker 1: don't know how to get over it. I'm battling the
17:08
Speaker 1: thoughts over and over if I should reach out or not. Again,
17:10
Speaker 1: you've got nothing to lose. Reach out. I don't think
17:13
Speaker 1: there's anything wrong with reaching out, but you have to
17:16
Speaker 1: be very very realistic when she replies or if she
17:20
Speaker 1: doesn't reply, because if you're going to reach out, I
17:23
Speaker 1: always say this. If you are going to contact someone,
17:25
Speaker 1: whether it's an ex friend, whether it is an ex partner,
17:29
Speaker 1: whether it's someone who you're in a situationship with, whatever,
17:32
Speaker 1: if you are going to send a message to someone,
17:35
Speaker 1: you've got to really sit with the three possible outcomes
17:38
Speaker 1: of what's going to happen once you send that message,
17:40
Speaker 1: and if you're okay with both with all three of
17:42
Speaker 1: those outcomes, you send the message. The first outcome is
17:46
Speaker 1: you get everything you want. They reply, Yes, let's meet up.
17:49
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I miss you so much. Let's rekindle,
17:52
Speaker 1: and then everything's all well and good. Number one. Number
17:54
Speaker 1: two you get left on red. They never contact, you
17:58
Speaker 1: never reply whatever. You've gotta be prepared for that. You
18:01
Speaker 1: have to be prepared for that. And number three is
18:04
Speaker 1: their reply. But they say thank you, but no, I'm
18:07
Speaker 1: not interested. I don't want a friendship with you. I
18:09
Speaker 1: don't want to bor if you I don't want, I
18:10
Speaker 1: don't want, I don't want. If you can say, I
18:14
Speaker 1: need an answer regardless, and by sending this message, I
18:17
Speaker 1: will get the final answer that I need. I will, like,
18:20
Speaker 1: if I think there's any doubt that this can be salvaged,
18:23
Speaker 1: this will, this will be the one thing that will
18:25
Speaker 1: salvage it. If my friend has any doubt that I
18:28
Speaker 1: want a friendship, even though I surely clearly do. But
18:31
Speaker 1: if they've got any doubt, then this will, you know,
18:34
Speaker 1: quash that doubt, and they will. Whatever. You've got to
18:37
Speaker 1: ask yourself all these questions, because it's like, regardless, if
18:40
Speaker 1: the main thing for me, if the top of my
18:41
Speaker 1: priority list is I need an answer, then I would
18:45
Speaker 1: put myself out of my misery and I would send
18:47
Speaker 1: the final message. But if you are in like, if
18:50
Speaker 1: you're being delusional saying oh yeah, but when I message,
18:53
Speaker 1: it's going to be fine, and this and that and
18:54
Speaker 1: if because This is where a lot of people fuck up.
18:57
Speaker 1: They send the message, they don't get a reply, and
18:59
Speaker 1: then like, but they just I really missed them. So
19:02
Speaker 1: maybe in six months time and send the messages again.
19:04
Speaker 1: If you're gonna send this message, you have to respect
19:07
Speaker 1: the outcome of whatever may be. You have to respect
19:11
Speaker 1: the outcome. So if I were you, you're torturing yourself,
19:13
Speaker 1: I'm gonna send the fucking message. But I'm prepared for
19:15
Speaker 1: all three outcomes, and whatever I get, I'm gonna close
19:18
Speaker 1: the fucking door on that chapter. Okay. Whether it's a
19:21
Speaker 1: positive thing, I'm closing the door. We're starting fresh. Whether
19:24
Speaker 1: it's no response, they've answered it. That is an answer.
19:28
Speaker 1: No response is an answer, and when they've come back
19:30
Speaker 1: and rejected me, I will respect that. Okay, that is all.
19:34
Speaker 1: I hope that gave you a little bit more clarity.
19:37
Speaker 1: But I think you were in the right by telling
19:39
Speaker 1: her that sense. Since next question, Dear alexis, thank you
19:50
Speaker 1: for all of your wisdom. DYFM has been my top
19:52
Speaker 1: podcast for two years now. Thank you. I've been going
19:55
Speaker 1: through months of rumination over my best friend ghosting me,
19:58
Speaker 1: and I'd love to hear your PERSPECTI it's too long
20:00
Speaker 1: a story to get into the details, but basically we
20:03
Speaker 1: drifted apart over the course of a year where her
20:05
Speaker 1: priorities changed as she got back with her ex boyfriend
20:07
Speaker 1: and I ended up feeling abandoned and key moments in
20:10
Speaker 1: my life such as when my dog passed away and
20:12
Speaker 1: my birthday, two events in which she canceled our plans
20:15
Speaker 1: or didn't show up for me in order to spend
20:17
Speaker 1: time with her boyfriend instead. When I had a chat
20:19
Speaker 1: to her about after the birthday, I asked for clarity
20:22
Speaker 1: on how she sees our friendship, as I felt like
20:24
Speaker 1: we weren't on the same page. She says she feels
20:26
Speaker 1: like she is always walking on eggshells and can't do
20:29
Speaker 1: anything right and she is exhausted. I told her that
20:31
Speaker 1: I'm feeling disappointed by the same things, and I've tried
20:34
Speaker 1: to resolve with her in the last year lack of
20:36
Speaker 1: quality time connection due to her new priority. So I
20:39
Speaker 1: need to take some time to emotionally detach as I
20:41
Speaker 1: know that I can't change her. When I messaged her
20:44
Speaker 1: a couple of months later, she has left me on delivered.
20:48
Speaker 1: This has sent me into a total spiral and I
20:51
Speaker 1: have her words stuck in my head. It's making me
20:53
Speaker 1: feel like I need to apologize and admit wrongdoing. But
20:56
Speaker 1: the other side of me knows deep down that I
20:58
Speaker 1: was true to myself and I also get for a
21:00
Speaker 1: lot of grace and situations that were ultimately hopeful to me.
21:03
Speaker 1: I suppose my question is how do I accept and
21:05
Speaker 1: validate my reality when I know hers is entirely different
21:09
Speaker 1: and positions me as a naggy, entitled, demanding friend. Every
21:13
Speaker 1: part of me wants to understand how it feels like
21:15
Speaker 1: in her shoes, but it is making me confused about
21:18
Speaker 1: how my own shoes feel and I'm unable to let go.
21:21
Speaker 1: Thank you in advance for your advice and perspective. Okay,
21:25
Speaker 1: so what's happened here is what you see in a
21:27
Speaker 1: lot of fucking friendships where someone will abandon their closest
21:30
Speaker 1: friends because they get into this honeymoon stage with a
21:34
Speaker 1: new boyfriend and everything just goes out the window. Okay,
21:37
Speaker 1: I've seen this happen. It happened directly in my friendship group.
21:43
Speaker 1: It's happened to good friends of mine and they're best
21:46
Speaker 1: friends where they've drifted and they're just no longer best
21:48
Speaker 1: friends at all. Like they don't even go to each
21:50
Speaker 1: other's like birthdays. Nothing. I've seen it a lot, and
21:54
Speaker 1: I think it's really sad, But I think it's also
21:58
Speaker 1: a big test to character, to personality types, and to
22:05
Speaker 1: the relationship as well. Okay, so sometime, look, we're constantly evolving,
22:11
Speaker 1: we're constantly changing. People are going to go through stages,
22:14
Speaker 1: people are going to go through cycles. There's one particular
22:17
Speaker 1: good friend of mine who years ago, years ago, she
22:20
Speaker 1: this same thing happened, kind of bailed on the friendship
22:24
Speaker 1: group saw us less and less and less to the
22:26
Speaker 1: extent that we just never saw her dropped off, you know,
22:29
Speaker 1: we stopped messaging each other. She was so heavily invested
22:32
Speaker 1: in this relationship, she kind of like dropped off the
22:35
Speaker 1: radar completely to be in this relationship. And the rest
22:39
Speaker 1: of the group of our group was a bit like
22:41
Speaker 1: we've tried, We've reached out, Like it's kind of it
22:44
Speaker 1: is what it is, and there was no energy coming
22:46
Speaker 1: her way, and we had to respect it. At the
22:48
Speaker 1: end of the day, we're all adults here, like we
22:50
Speaker 1: can't hold your hand through life being like, oh, but
22:52
Speaker 1: you're going to make a mistake, You're going to regret
22:54
Speaker 1: this years later, probably two years later, they broke up,
22:58
Speaker 1: she had no friends, and she kind of, like without
23:00
Speaker 1: trying to be rude, came crawling back. And that's when
23:04
Speaker 1: we had the opportunity to decide, like do we want
23:07
Speaker 1: her back in the group or not, And all of
23:09
Speaker 1: us unanimously decided, yeah, we do. We fucking love her.
23:11
Speaker 1: She's a legend. Like she's fucking an idiot for bailing
23:15
Speaker 1: on such a good group of friends, but we love her,
23:18
Speaker 1: and fuck it. If she's still the biggest legend and whatever,
23:21
Speaker 1: then of course we want her back in the group.
23:23
Speaker 1: And so she came back in the group. And I
23:26
Speaker 1: think that it really solidified the relationship with all of
23:29
Speaker 1: us because since then, when she has had romantic relationships,
23:32
Speaker 1: she's really maintained to put in the effort with our
23:34
Speaker 1: friendship group more so than anyone else. Like she is
23:37
Speaker 1: just like really die hard, really really tries. It's almost
23:39
Speaker 1: like she learned a really deep life lesson in that
23:42
Speaker 1: and it's been amazing. And we would we would it
23:45
Speaker 1: would been such a mistake if, you know, we didn't
23:47
Speaker 1: want her back in the group. So there's that as
23:51
Speaker 1: an outcome. That's a possibility but it did take us
23:55
Speaker 1: letting nature take its course. If that's kind of how
23:57
Speaker 1: you want to say it. At the end of the day,
24:00
Speaker 1: you have to let people live their life based on
24:02
Speaker 1: their decisions, whether you think it's the right decision for
24:04
Speaker 1: them or not. If your friend here or ex friend
24:08
Speaker 1: is really choosing to be with this person over friendships
24:13
Speaker 1: to kind of isolate themselves and get so sucked into
24:16
Speaker 1: that honeymoon bubble that it erodes at other friendships. This
24:19
Speaker 1: is where you make a decision for yourself and you say,
24:22
Speaker 1: you know what, that's your decision. Whether I agree with
24:25
Speaker 1: it or not, it's irrelevant because it's your life and
24:27
Speaker 1: it is your decision. It can still hurt me. I
24:29
Speaker 1: can still acknowledge the pain, but it is what it is.
24:33
Speaker 1: But at the same time, I can't I'm not your guardian.
24:37
Speaker 1: I can't tell you what you should and shouldn't do.
24:39
Speaker 1: I can't be steering you and forcing you into this
24:41
Speaker 1: friendship that I value so much, but maybe you just
24:44
Speaker 1: don't value as much as I do this. I can't
24:46
Speaker 1: do that. And at the end of the day, no
24:48
Speaker 1: matter what people say, it is the actions that matter
24:52
Speaker 1: the most. I'm all forgiving people a couple of months
24:55
Speaker 1: of grace when they first meet a partner and be like,
24:57
Speaker 1: all right, you're being a dickhead, but it's you're excited.
25:00
Speaker 1: I'm gonna give you grace here. But if it's ongoing
25:03
Speaker 1: again and again and again, then I'm I'm fucking hanging
25:06
Speaker 1: out my gloves. I'm gonna be like, you know what,
25:07
Speaker 1: I'm done fighting for this, Like, love you so much,
25:10
Speaker 1: but you know where to find me. I'm gonna stop pushing.
25:15
Speaker 1: You know you don't beg for someone's attention. A real
25:17
Speaker 1: friendship is reciprocal. You should never have to beg But
25:19
Speaker 1: you weren't there for me, and this will this really
25:22
Speaker 1: like fuck it. If they can't say that they weren't
25:24
Speaker 1: there for you, that they're lacking in the components or
25:27
Speaker 1: what makes a decent friend. If she can't see that
25:30
Speaker 1: not being there for you when your dog died is
25:32
Speaker 1: fucked up for a best friend, it's on her. That's
25:36
Speaker 1: her problem. It's not your problem. It feels like it's
25:39
Speaker 1: your problem, but it's not your problem. You're making out
25:40
Speaker 1: your problem. Okay, so you need to be like, this
25:43
Speaker 1: person has lost track of what a friendship means. Okay,
25:47
Speaker 1: they can't be there for you in the crucial times
25:49
Speaker 1: of your life that they don't value you right now.
25:52
Speaker 1: It's not to say that they're not gonna come around
25:54
Speaker 1: and regret their actions and evolve as a friend later on,
25:56
Speaker 1: but you can't predict that. But you're gonna look at
25:59
Speaker 1: what's happening right now. You're also not here to punish her,
26:01
Speaker 1: but you're gonna say, you know what, you're not being
26:02
Speaker 1: a good friend. You're not being a good friend. And
26:04
Speaker 1: I've highlighted that to you. You've taken offense to that.
26:08
Speaker 1: It's not my job to baby you through you being offended.
26:11
Speaker 1: We are adults, Like I said in the last listener question,
26:14
Speaker 1: we're all fucking adults. If you want to be baby
26:16
Speaker 1: through this, do it, but not on my watch. I'm
26:18
Speaker 1: not the one who has to then apologize for pulling
26:21
Speaker 1: you up on something that normal adults could be pulled
26:24
Speaker 1: up on. Okay, if you're gonna abandon me as a
26:26
Speaker 1: friend during these hard times, and you say, and your
26:29
Speaker 1: defensive reaction is to say that you're walking on eggshells.
26:32
Speaker 1: That's not walking on eggshells, that's me pulling all the
26:35
Speaker 1: way in the friendship. You're doing fuck all me pulling
26:37
Speaker 1: you up, and then you're getting offended because I've called
26:39
Speaker 1: you out on your fucked behavior as a friend. Okay,
26:42
Speaker 1: so this is what I would do if I were
26:43
Speaker 1: You've You've reached out to her, she's left you on red.
26:50
Speaker 1: I wouldn't do anything. I wouldn't do anything. I'm sorry,
26:53
Speaker 1: but I wouldn't do anything. There's nothing left to say.
26:56
Speaker 1: The only way I would reach out again. The only
26:58
Speaker 1: way is if you look back and look at how
27:01
Speaker 1: you reached out and said, look, was I passive? Aggressive?
27:04
Speaker 1: Do I really want to salvage this friendship? Whatever? Then
27:07
Speaker 1: there is the Then maybe you could reach out one
27:10
Speaker 1: final time and say, you know what, I've thought long
27:12
Speaker 1: and hard about this. I really love you. I love
27:15
Speaker 1: the friendship that we had. I don't want this to
27:17
Speaker 1: be the end. However, I also need to respect where
27:21
Speaker 1: you're at and if you even want this friendship or not.
27:22
Speaker 1: I'm going to put the ball in your court, but
27:24
Speaker 1: know that if you ever reach out to me, I'm
27:26
Speaker 1: here to talk. I'm an open book. I'm here to chat.
27:30
Speaker 1: Let's let's talk. The invitation is open anytime you want
27:34
Speaker 1: to reach out. I'm here. But this is this is it.
27:36
Speaker 1: It's now in your court. So that's an option that
27:39
Speaker 1: you can do, but you've got to be willing for
27:41
Speaker 1: that to actually be it. You then can't be like, ooh,
27:43
Speaker 1: maybe six months later it's time to reach out. No, can't. No,
27:46
Speaker 1: she hasn't lost your number. She knows how to reach you,
27:48
Speaker 1: she knows how to read you. You need to respect
27:50
Speaker 1: yourself a little bit more. Someone's a shit friend, and
27:53
Speaker 1: then after you give them space and then reach out,
27:56
Speaker 1: you're the one that takes initiative to reach out. She's
27:58
Speaker 1: still a shit friend. She probably just doesn't care, at
28:01
Speaker 1: least not now. And if that's the case, you need
28:03
Speaker 1: to mirror that energy. You need to like, fucking I'll
28:06
Speaker 1: match your energy message received can't. So that's what you're
28:10
Speaker 1: gonna do. You're gonna do nothing or send that one
28:13
Speaker 1: final message if you think that you were like Cardi,
28:15
Speaker 1: you're rude or hopeful, but I feel like you weren't.
28:18
Speaker 1: So that's what I would do. Just be a bit
28:20
Speaker 1: more empowered in this. I know it sucks, but we're
28:22
Speaker 1: not here to beg Next subject thirty thriving but not
28:29
Speaker 1: vibing Help Hi. Alexis longtime listener who's finally writing in
28:33
Speaker 1: to get your gold standard advice and tough love. About
28:36
Speaker 1: three years ago, I left my four plus year relationship
28:39
Speaker 1: for very difficult several months that involved my partner cheating
28:42
Speaker 1: us more me trying to work through it, and ultimately
28:46
Speaker 1: him not being able slash willing to make the changes.
28:49
Speaker 1: We lived together, had a pet, and had a timeline
28:51
Speaker 1: for getting engaged. It was a big upheaval in my life.
28:54
Speaker 1: In many real ways, your podcast episodes helped me see
28:57
Speaker 1: clearly that he was not the person I deserve and
28:59
Speaker 1: if allowed me to leave the relationship that I really
29:02
Speaker 1: believed was it for me. Picture me weeping but doing
29:05
Speaker 1: it in a sauna for the benefits love that so
29:08
Speaker 1: much for you and yet like tactical cry while in
29:11
Speaker 1: a sauna. Tick tick tick tik tik. I spent the
29:14
Speaker 1: next year revamping my life. I moved, I started new
29:17
Speaker 1: hobbies and built healthy, amazing relationships. I did so much
29:19
Speaker 1: work on myself and I am, and I was, and
29:23
Speaker 1: still am incredibly proud of myself for putting myself first.
29:26
Speaker 1: I feel I felt amazing. About two years ago, I
29:29
Speaker 1: started dating again, but quickly realized I was seeking out
29:32
Speaker 1: relationships that would never work out either because the guy
29:35
Speaker 1: was not aligning with my values often politics, to be honest,
29:38
Speaker 1: wasn't emotionally available, or was literally across the country emotionally
29:43
Speaker 1: and physical distance jackpot. I've recently moved back to the
29:46
Speaker 1: area I want to end up in, and I've made
29:48
Speaker 1: a dedicated effort to break old patterns around dating. I
29:52
Speaker 1: really have pushed myself to be vulnerable and give dating
29:54
Speaker 1: a real go with people who actually align with my values.
29:57
Speaker 1: But I'm struggling to fill the spark with anyone. I
29:59
Speaker 1: will go on few dates with some that go well.
30:02
Speaker 1: I have fun, we laugh, we have things in common,
30:04
Speaker 1: but then I just feel nothing. I'm worried that I
30:06
Speaker 1: see flaws in my ex, the flaws in my ex everywhere,
30:10
Speaker 1: and the moment I get even a whiff of lack
30:12
Speaker 1: of emotional accountability, I'm out of there. I would love
30:15
Speaker 1: your thoughts on why this is happening and how I
30:18
Speaker 1: can give myself the chance to meet another amazing partner.
30:21
Speaker 1: I know I deserve to be with someone who respects
30:24
Speaker 1: me and my needs, and someone who I respect and
30:26
Speaker 1: even admire. I'm thirty and I would love to find
30:29
Speaker 1: my person. The cherry On top of all of this
30:32
Speaker 1: is that I found out my ex recently got engaged.
30:35
Speaker 1: We don't speak, he's not active on social media, so
30:38
Speaker 1: I was surprised, and I have to admit it was
30:39
Speaker 1: a punch in the gut. I felt so disappointed that
30:42
Speaker 1: it impacted me as much as it did, as I
30:44
Speaker 1: really don't have any desire to be with him, but
30:47
Speaker 1: these wounds run deep. It felt as though he never
30:50
Speaker 1: had to take responsibility for what he put me through
30:52
Speaker 1: or even learn from it. And it's highlighted for me
30:55
Speaker 1: how his life is moving forward in ways that I'm
30:58
Speaker 1: seeking for myself. Comparison is a thief, thief of joy.
31:01
Speaker 1: But I think finding out forced me to reckon with
31:03
Speaker 1: my own dissatisfaction with my own dating life and question why.
31:07
Speaker 1: I'm trying hard to give myself grace and time, but
31:10
Speaker 1: it's tough. Any insight you can give would be so great.
31:13
Speaker 1: Thank you. Okay, So this is this is a difficult
31:18
Speaker 1: situation that you find yourself in. Let's first address this
31:20
Speaker 1: whole him getting engaged. I know you don't want to compare.
31:24
Speaker 1: It's hard not to compare, that's just the reality. How
31:27
Speaker 1: can you not because you both obviously broke up at
31:29
Speaker 1: the same time, and then your lives headed in different directions,
31:32
Speaker 1: and then you're going to look at where they're at
31:33
Speaker 1: versus where you're at now, Not that it matters, because
31:37
Speaker 1: when someone's not in your life, you don't want to
31:39
Speaker 1: make them You don't want to try and bring them
31:41
Speaker 1: back and try and make them relevant in your life
31:43
Speaker 1: when they're not directly involved anymore. However, you did mention
31:48
Speaker 1: here that where is it? It feels as though he
31:53
Speaker 1: never had to take responsibility for what he put me
31:55
Speaker 1: through or even learn from it. Maybe he did. Maybe
32:01
Speaker 1: that's why he's now engaged, and you know, maybe he
32:06
Speaker 1: you know, not that it matters. But what I'm saying
32:08
Speaker 1: is that instead of thinking, here, this person walked away
32:13
Speaker 1: completely unscathed. They didn't walk away unscathed. They lost the
32:16
Speaker 1: relationship with you. You ended it and brightly so like
32:20
Speaker 1: he was obviously not trading you, well you were worth
32:22
Speaker 1: more all of that. So number one, there was a
32:25
Speaker 1: repercussion there. They lost the relationship with you, which could
32:28
Speaker 1: have been quite a successful, nice relationship, and that's on them.
32:32
Speaker 1: Maybe they learn from it, and this is why they're engaged,
32:35
Speaker 1: or maybe they're always avoiding and running away, and he's
32:38
Speaker 1: now in the next best thing and he's gotten engaged.
32:42
Speaker 1: And that's that. You can't look at someone's relationship and
32:45
Speaker 1: say they are happy or they are unhappy, or they
32:48
Speaker 1: are accountable or they're not accountable. We have no idea.
32:52
Speaker 1: And you also don't want to be like, well, he
32:53
Speaker 1: must be miserable either. You just want to look at
32:56
Speaker 1: that as for what it is. It's a relationship that
32:59
Speaker 1: I don't know nothing about. End of story, end of story.
33:04
Speaker 1: Hopefully he learned his lesson. Hopefully for his sake and
33:07
Speaker 1: for his fiance's sake, that he learned a lesson. Hopefully
33:11
Speaker 1: he learned from his behaviors what's right and what's wrong,
33:13
Speaker 1: and he's not going to mirror those behaviors in this
33:14
Speaker 1: new relationship. All these things that you can hope for.
33:17
Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, wish you all
33:18
Speaker 1: the best, that you go have good life. Okay, So
33:21
Speaker 1: as far as that is concerned, we can just hope
33:24
Speaker 1: that this person learned a lesson for the sake of
33:26
Speaker 1: their future relationships. And the reason it's impacted you is
33:31
Speaker 1: purely because you're comparing timelines. I know you don't want
33:33
Speaker 1: to compare but it's hard not to when you're kind
33:35
Speaker 1: of in this crossroads of where you're at with relationships. Now,
33:39
Speaker 1: one thing that you've done, look your back where you
33:41
Speaker 1: want to live. You found where you want to like
33:43
Speaker 1: set your roots. That's important. You're saying that, I worry
33:48
Speaker 1: that I see flaws in my ex everywhere, and the
33:50
Speaker 1: moment I get even a whiff of lack of emotional accountability,
33:53
Speaker 1: I'm out of there. I think something that we really
33:56
Speaker 1: need to be aware of is have we allowed our
34:01
Speaker 1: wounds to heal? Because often we'll look at any excuse
34:06
Speaker 1: that we think that might hurt me in the future.
34:07
Speaker 1: This might hurt me, this is gonna catch me off God,
34:09
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna cut I'm gonna enna cut it, or
34:12
Speaker 1: you're not exactly how not And so you're not getting
34:16
Speaker 1: close to anyone. You're not getting close to anyone. You
34:18
Speaker 1: haven't really healed those wounds yet. You haven't. And what
34:22
Speaker 1: I mean by healing those wounds is coming to terms
34:24
Speaker 1: with like really closing that chapter, really closing that chapter
34:28
Speaker 1: and saying that that hurt. I was hurt. I was
34:31
Speaker 1: in a vulnerable position. I had to like regroup and healing.
34:34
Speaker 1: You've done so much work on yourself you have, but
34:37
Speaker 1: you've also got to ask yourself, like, why am I
34:42
Speaker 1: so scared to let someone hurt me again? Because yeah,
34:45
Speaker 1: it sucks. No one wants to be hurt. But you
34:47
Speaker 1: also don't want to be stuck in a position where
34:49
Speaker 1: you're telling yourself, I can't ever get hurt again, because
34:52
Speaker 1: you can now hopefully not. But if you tell yourself
34:57
Speaker 1: I can never let myself get hurt again, then the
35:00
Speaker 1: result of that is I can never let myself drop
35:02
Speaker 1: my walls down. I can never let myself be vulnerable
35:05
Speaker 1: because you know that you would require falling in love
35:10
Speaker 1: in order for you to get hurt. So if you
35:13
Speaker 1: put two and two together, you're going to think, well,
35:14
Speaker 1: as long as I don't really fall in love, then
35:16
Speaker 1: I can never get hurt. That's your solution. Subconsciously, that's
35:19
Speaker 1: your solution. That's why we have this avoidant response. I've
35:23
Speaker 1: got to avoid, avoid, avoid, but at least I'll survive.
35:26
Speaker 1: I'll be fine. But you're not fine because you're not satisfied.
35:29
Speaker 1: So what you need to tell yourself this is one
35:31
Speaker 1: thing you need to figure out, whether you drop your
35:34
Speaker 1: walls down or whether you don't. If you fall in
35:36
Speaker 1: love with someone. You can still fall in love with
35:38
Speaker 1: someone with your walls up. Okay, so you're going to
35:41
Speaker 1: get hurt just as much, if not more. People think
35:45
Speaker 1: that if I don't show the vulnerable side of me,
35:48
Speaker 1: then I can never really get hurt. Bullshit. You get
35:50
Speaker 1: hurt worse, and the reason for that is you still
35:53
Speaker 1: feel the feelings, but they don't see a side of you.
35:56
Speaker 1: Then they leave. Then you get really hurt because you
35:58
Speaker 1: think I had something and I lost that when I
36:00
Speaker 1: could have had something really good because I wasn't vulnerable.
36:03
Speaker 1: So then you think, not only am I heart broken
36:05
Speaker 1: that I've lost this opportunity, but I also know that
36:08
Speaker 1: I fucked up because I didn't give them my best self.
36:10
Speaker 1: I didn't actually show them who I really was in
36:12
Speaker 1: this relationship. We didn't give this the best chance possible
36:15
Speaker 1: because I refuse to be vulnerable. So it's a fallacy
36:19
Speaker 1: that we like to believe of Well, if I have
36:22
Speaker 1: my walls up, then I can never get hurt. You
36:24
Speaker 1: will get hurt more with your walls up. So I
36:27
Speaker 1: think you're looking for excuses in people to not get hurt.
36:30
Speaker 1: You're saying, if I see a whiff of emotional unavailability.
36:34
Speaker 1: I also think you've got within reason. Okay, if someone's
36:38
Speaker 1: an emotional dud, it is not your job to hold
36:41
Speaker 1: their hand and coach them through life, Okay, But I
36:43
Speaker 1: also think that it's important for you to look at
36:50
Speaker 1: what it is that you see as a whiff of
36:52
Speaker 1: emotional unavailability, and sometimes just with gentle steering, people can
36:59
Speaker 1: open up and learn because sometimes emotional like you're being
37:01
Speaker 1: emotionally unavailable right now, and what if someone saw that
37:04
Speaker 1: in you and thought red flag, Ah, but you're like
37:08
Speaker 1: a catch. So I think it's important to understand that
37:13
Speaker 1: everyone comes from their own journey as long as it's
37:15
Speaker 1: not red flag energy, toxic, manipulative. If someone showed, oh
37:19
Speaker 1: they're a little bit then I think maybe this person
37:22
Speaker 1: has been hurt in the past. Maybe it's worth investing
37:25
Speaker 1: in this relationship a little bit. Maybe it's worth spending
37:27
Speaker 1: time with this person. And then if I see, oh,
37:30
Speaker 1: there's a lot that this person has to offer, but
37:32
Speaker 1: they're a little bit emotionally unavailable once you know, not
37:35
Speaker 1: on the first date, but once I've gotten to another
37:37
Speaker 1: bit more, maybe this is something we can explore, and
37:39
Speaker 1: maybe it's something that this person while we're building our
37:42
Speaker 1: relationship together, can work on healing as well. You know,
37:45
Speaker 1: it's not the worst thing in the world to date
37:47
Speaker 1: someone who's had a broken heart and who's got their
37:49
Speaker 1: walls up a little bit, as long as you're both
37:50
Speaker 1: on the same page about like, yeah, let's work through
37:53
Speaker 1: this together. I've also been hurt. Let's just be open
37:55
Speaker 1: and honest and whatever. You might find a gem who's
37:59
Speaker 1: just had like a rough trot and who's like trying
38:02
Speaker 1: to recover and come out the other side. You don't
38:04
Speaker 1: also want to dismiss every single person, you know, the
38:06
Speaker 1: aim isn't to date someone who's perfection, flawless, the most
38:09
Speaker 1: secure touch person in the world. Everything's gone a bit,
38:11
Speaker 1: but because there's still very very good people that have
38:15
Speaker 1: insecure attachments out there and that have like you know,
38:18
Speaker 1: like emotional unavailability issues. Most of us I reckon enter
38:22
Speaker 1: relationships in that way. So I think it's I think
38:26
Speaker 1: you're doing yourself a disservice having this very strict kind
38:31
Speaker 1: of entrance criteria into your life when you yourself are
38:37
Speaker 1: still hurting and you yourself you know have that you know,
38:39
Speaker 1: we all have these things. So as long as it's
38:41
Speaker 1: not like this, this is unhealthy, toxic, red flag kind
38:44
Speaker 1: of standard. I think you need to be a little
38:47
Speaker 1: bit more like patient with certain people and ask yourself, like,
38:54
Speaker 1: could I see myself in this person with how they
38:56
Speaker 1: are emotionally unavailable? Is this something that maybe is just
38:58
Speaker 1: due to them having also been heartbroken or cheat it
39:01
Speaker 1: on and they're a little bit tentative when they're entering
39:03
Speaker 1: the dating world. I think when you are a lot
39:05
Speaker 1: calmer and a lot more gentle and a lot more
39:08
Speaker 1: understanding with people, you give you a warmer energy than
39:11
Speaker 1: you yourself, drop your walls down, and you might start
39:14
Speaker 1: discovering things in other people that you're like, wow, I
39:16
Speaker 1: never would have thought about dating you, But after like
39:18
Speaker 1: the fifth date, I'm discovering things about you that's fucking awesome.
39:21
Speaker 1: And now you're dropping your walls and now we're having
39:23
Speaker 1: a lot of fun and now and then you start
39:25
Speaker 1: to discover because, like I always say, you can't really
39:29
Speaker 1: know who a person is until you learn about their character,
39:31
Speaker 1: and character is learned over months. So I think it's
39:34
Speaker 1: so important to Yeah, I would just give people a
39:37
Speaker 1: little bit more time and patience and as long as
39:41
Speaker 1: they're treating you with respect, I would see where things
39:45
Speaker 1: could go, and I think you'd be very pleasantly surprised
39:47
Speaker 1: that there's some gems out there if you are willing to,
39:51
Speaker 1: like just wait and be patient and look for them.
39:55
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, guys, I said, this is like
39:56
Speaker 1: we're reaching the time now. So I did say I
39:58
Speaker 1: was going to answer four questions, but the three is
40:00
Speaker 1: all there is because I was delving deep. So you're
40:02
Speaker 1: gonna have to wait till next week to listen to
40:04
Speaker 1: the fourth one. Guys, love you so much. That is
40:08
Speaker 1: all for today's episode. Great fucking questions coming through, keep
40:11
Speaker 1: sending them through. That is all for today. As always,
40:15
Speaker 1: remember be can'd to yourself, be kind to your brain,
40:18
Speaker 1: don't text it from anyone, and especially don't text it
40:21
Speaker 1: from yourself. Don't care