Latest / The You Project / #2161 Scared Sh*tless (or Not) - Harps

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#2161 Scared Sh*tless (or Not) - Harps · The You Project

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  Speaker 1: I've always been amused by the T shirts and sweatshirts
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  Speaker 1: and hoodies that say something like no fear, Like having
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  Speaker 1: no fear is a good thing, being fearless is a
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  Speaker 1: good thing. Firstly, I don't know that anyone is truly fearless.
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  Speaker 1: I Secondly, I don't know that at all that is
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  Speaker 1: a good goal or intention or plan or idea. My
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  Speaker 1: experiences that fear is an unavoidable part of being human.
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  Speaker 1: It's intertwined with who we are, with our personality, with
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  Speaker 1: our nervous system, with our relationships, with our day to
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  Speaker 1: day choices and behaviors and reality. We might be from
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  Speaker 1: the outside looking in brave. We don't seem to be
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  Speaker 1: scared by much. We seem we might seem to be
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  Speaker 1: the very confident, the very capable, the very powerful, or
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  Speaker 1: strong or assertive, And not that any of that is bad,
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  Speaker 1: But personally, I've never met anyone. And I've worked with
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  Speaker 1: lots of people in lots of you know, different forums
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  Speaker 1: and places and spaces and companies and organizations and teams,
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  Speaker 1: and I've never met anyone that I sense zero fear in.
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  Speaker 1: And maybe they're not scared of the things that a
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  Speaker 1: lot of people are scared of, But always there is
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  Speaker 1: some fear. And the fear could be I might be discovered.
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  Speaker 1: The fear could be my partner's going to leave me.
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  Speaker 1: The fear could be what if they fucking figure out
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  Speaker 1: what goes on in my head? Or it could be
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  Speaker 1: something completely irrational or rational. Or it could be I'm
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  Speaker 1: scared of heights, or it could be scared. It could
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  Speaker 1: be I'm scared of gaining weight and being unloved or
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  Speaker 1: whatever it is. All of these things happen all of
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  Speaker 1: the time, not to all of us the same way,
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  Speaker 1: of course, But the idea of being fearless seems to
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  Speaker 1: be almost like a social badge of honor or something.
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  Speaker 1: But I actually think being fearless is dangerous. I think
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  Speaker 1: it's pretty much impossible. Even when you think about people
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  Speaker 1: who might technically or clinically be described as a sociopath
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  Speaker 1: or a psychopath, it's not that they're not scared of anything.
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  Speaker 1: They're just maybe not scared of some of the things
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  Speaker 1: that you and I or people in the more kind
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  Speaker 1: of typical end of the spectrum or category are. But
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  Speaker 1: everybody's scared of something. We just need to identify that
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  Speaker 1: something that sounded bad didn't it. I don't mean so
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  Speaker 1: that we can exploit that, but it's there. So I'm
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  Speaker 1: of the school that says fear is not bad, fear
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  Speaker 1: is human, fear is not weakness, fears normal, fears quite often,
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  Speaker 1: fears appropriate, quite often, fear is smart. Quite often, fear
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  Speaker 1: is the thing that's going to save you, that's going
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  Speaker 1: to alert you. So it's definitely not the enemy. It's
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  Speaker 1: not the bad thing it's painted to be. Now, I
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  Speaker 1: guess part of that is whether or not fear is
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  Speaker 1: something that we live with, that we navigate, that we manage,
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  Speaker 1: that we're aware of. But it can be destructive if
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  Speaker 1: fear is hijacking our brain, perpetually hijacking our mind, our happiness,
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  Speaker 1: our relationships, our life, our ability to live a a
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  Speaker 1: generally broadly speaking, happy and functional existence. But truthfully, many
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  Speaker 1: times it's the thing that keeps us, you know that,
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  Speaker 1: alive and alert and careful and appropriately cautious. A completely
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  Speaker 1: fearless person is more likely to take reckless risks, ignore
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  Speaker 1: the obvious danger signs, overestimate their abilities, underestimate the consequences,
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  Speaker 1: and many times repeatedly keep putting themselves despite the results.
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  Speaker 1: Putting themselves and maybe others in harm's way. So it's
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  Speaker 1: like I said, it's wired into us. It's fear as
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  Speaker 1: part of our biological survival system. Our brain evolved over
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  Speaker 1: millennia to detect risks and threats. It's almost first and
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  Speaker 1: foremost a threat detection organ or system. It helps us
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  Speaker 1: pause and assess, prepare, adapt. And the problem isn't fear,
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  Speaker 1: as I said, but it's when it's disproportionately controlling a
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  Speaker 1: rational debilitating, and it becomes a burden, or it becomes
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  Speaker 1: an emotional and or psychological kryptonite. It becomes the thing
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  Speaker 1: that stops us from exploiting our talent and our potential
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  Speaker 1: and our resources and our skills. So courage, though courage
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  Speaker 1: is not being brave or being courageous, that doesn't mean
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  Speaker 1: we're fearless. In fact, courage slash bravery can't operate in
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  Speaker 1: the absence of fear. It can only exist when we
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  Speaker 1: are scared. Being courageous means I am also scared. I
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  Speaker 1: am courageous, and I'm scared. And despite the fact that
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  Speaker 1: I'm fearful, despite the fact that I'm worried, concerned, anxious,
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  Speaker 1: despite the fact that I can recognize that there is
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  Speaker 1: a risk. I'm going to move forward anyway. I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to take action. I'm going to make a decision. And
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  Speaker 1: so a person with zero fear at all, if that
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  Speaker 1: person exists, they're not really They're not really brave. They're
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  Speaker 1: more than likely disconnected from reality, from consequence, and from
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  Speaker 1: self preservation. I've been and continue to be scared of
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  Speaker 1: things my whole life. Now, that doesn't mean I walk
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  Speaker 1: around perpetually gripped by fear, where my mind, body and
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  Speaker 1: emotions are perpetually being hijacked and I can't do anything.
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  Speaker 1: It just means that there are lots of things. And
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  Speaker 1: of course fear is not a single thing at a
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  Speaker 1: single volume, so to speak. I think the volume or
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  Speaker 1: the intensity or the fear response goes up and down.
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  Speaker 1: Some things, you know, on the world famous Craig Harper
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  Speaker 1: fearscale that I just invented, some things might be a
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  Speaker 1: one out of ten. Once I'm a little worried, a
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  Speaker 1: little concerned, but I'm all right, or two or three
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  Speaker 1: or five. Now I'm getting quite concerned. Ten being I
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  Speaker 1: am in complete terror and my brain and my body
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  Speaker 1: is being hijacked. But overall, I think fear gets terrible
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  Speaker 1: pr Some people talk about it like it's a design
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  Speaker 1: flaw or a weakness, a glitch in the human operating system,
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  Speaker 1: as though the ideal human doesn't have doubt. There's somehow
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  Speaker 1: untouched by doubt or uncertainty or anxiety or apprehension, And weirdly,
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  Speaker 1: we celebrate the fearless entrepreneur or a fearless athlete or
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  Speaker 1: leader or adventurer like somehow fearlessness is the pinnacle of evolution.
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  Speaker 1: To me, it's really not. In fact, depending on the context,
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  Speaker 1: being genuinely fearless can be being genuinely stupid, genuinely dangerous,
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  Speaker 1: delusional and unnecessary. Fear is not evidence that something is
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  Speaker 1: wrong with you. Fear is a statement that you're alive.
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  Speaker 1: It's like I said, it's an ancient survival mechanism. It's
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  Speaker 1: evolved over millennia. It's a built in alarm system that's
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  Speaker 1: there to protect you from threats and risk and danger
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  Speaker 1: and seen and unseen and potentially catastrophic events or outcomes.
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  Speaker 1: And without that fear, our species just wouldn't have lasted. Allegedly,
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  Speaker 1: we're the most evolved of all the creatures. I doubt
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  Speaker 1: that sometimes, But without our fear, without all of the
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  Speaker 1: associated decisions and actions that lead to or that come
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  Speaker 1: from or emanate from that fear. We probably wouldn't have
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  Speaker 1: lasted very long as a species. I mean, if we
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  Speaker 1: didn't have a fear of things that could eat us
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  Speaker 1: or kill us, or heights or disease or where, we
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  Speaker 1: would have made terrible decisions and not lasted very long.
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  Speaker 1: But fear keeps us alert, and it makes us pay attention,
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  Speaker 1: stops us from trusting the wrong people, or making reckless decisions,
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  Speaker 1: or treating serious situations casually, or stepping out into the
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  Speaker 1: road without looking, or eating something that should be cooked
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  Speaker 1: that isn't cooked, or whatever it is. We have a
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  Speaker 1: level of understanding that some things and maybe we don't
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  Speaker 1: feel this hijacking of the nervous system kind of fear,
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  Speaker 1: but we have a healthy fear. I have a healthy
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  Speaker 1: fear of putting my hand into a fire. Not that
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  Speaker 1: I'm in that situation very often or that I would,
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  Speaker 1: of course, But of course you know, these are things
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  Speaker 1: that are more I guess awarenesses than a day to
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  Speaker 1: day fear. But if you said to me, I want
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  Speaker 1: you to do that, well, no, I'm scared of that
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  Speaker 1: because two one, I'm scared too. I understand the consequences,
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  Speaker 1: and of course, you know, fear can become at it's worse,
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  Speaker 1: irrational and distorted and excessive and crippling, paralyzing, and sometimes
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  Speaker 1: our internal alarm system, that healthy alarm system, can sometimes
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  Speaker 1: overestimate danger and underestimate capability. And sometimes we fear things
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  Speaker 1: that act actually are not threatening necessarily, like rejection, embarrassment, failure, judgment, discomfort.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah we don't love them, but they ain't going to care,
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  Speaker 1: and when in fact, sometimes we're going to learn, grow
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  Speaker 1: evolve through those things if we're prepared to deal with
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  Speaker 1: a bit of rejection or pain or embarrassment or look
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  Speaker 1: and silly or whatever. I've been doing that my whole life,
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  Speaker 1: and that is a big part of how I've become
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  Speaker 1: very moderately. I underline that successful because I was bad
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  Speaker 1: at most things that I tried. I was not a natural.
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  Speaker 1: I was not gifted. I am still not gifted. I
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  Speaker 1: wasn't the smartest in the room. And so in order
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  Speaker 1: for me to grow and learn and evolve and adapt
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  Speaker 1: and progress, I needed to deal with embarrassment and rejection
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  Speaker 1: and humiliation and being picked last for the team and
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  Speaker 1: all of those things. Did I like those things? No?
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  Speaker 1: Did I fear them? Yes? But it was it a
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  Speaker 1: fear that I needed to learn into in order to
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  Speaker 1: do better, be better, get better. Absolutely. So the goal
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  Speaker 1: shouldn't be to feel no fear. The goal should be
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  Speaker 1: to understand fear, to coexist with fear, to be able
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  Speaker 1: to manage fear and not have fear manage me, and
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  Speaker 1: to build a relationship with fear which is healthy. Where
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  Speaker 1: I go, well, I'm scared of this and that, Well,
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  Speaker 1: that makes sense, Craig. You should be because those things
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  Speaker 1: are actually fucking dangerous or terrifying, or they are a
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  Speaker 1: real risk. So the fact that you have a healthy
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  Speaker 1: fear around that is not weakness or badness or some
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  Speaker 1: kind of limitation. That is actually a display of intelligence, intellect, wisdom, insight, discernment. Because,
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  Speaker 1: like I said, courage is not the absence of fear.
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  Speaker 1: Courage is your ability to do what's required, to take
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  Speaker 1: intelligent action, to make hard decisions, to step up when
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  Speaker 1: others want to step down in the presence of fear,
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  Speaker 1: can take action when they feel safe and certain and
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  Speaker 1: comfortable and it's familiar and it's easy and we know
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  Speaker 1: what's coming, and it's predictable. But the real test of
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  Speaker 1: character happens when we don't have that. The hands have
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  Speaker 1: shaken a little, our stomach titans, the brain starts to catastrophize,
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  Speaker 1: but you still choose to move forward. And of course
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  Speaker 1: you're reasonable and you're weighing up the pros and cons.
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  Speaker 1: We're not being reckless, we're not being stupid. But you
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  Speaker 1: still speak up despite your fear. You still try, You
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  Speaker 1: still step into the uncertainty when part of you doesn't
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  Speaker 1: want to. You still open the door on the unknown
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  Speaker 1: and the unfamiliar and the uncomfortable, even though you know
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  Speaker 1: it won't be fun for you. But you also know
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  Speaker 1: that I need to open this door and move through
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  Speaker 1: this space to get better. I do not want to
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  Speaker 1: be the person that is standing on the wrong side
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  Speaker 1: of the door for ten years because I'm scared, and
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  Speaker 1: I'm giving into that fear, and I am allowing fear
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  Speaker 1: to control my choices and my behaviors and my outcomes.
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  Speaker 1: Meaning I'm allowing fear to manage me, to manage my life.
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  Speaker 1: Being able to do what you need to do in
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  Speaker 1: the face of what you don't really want to do
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  Speaker 1: is courage. So maybe we've misunderstood bravery or courage for
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  Speaker 1: a long time. It's not about being the toughest or
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  Speaker 1: the strongest, or about the elimination of fear, but rather
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  Speaker 1: about being able to live with it strategically and courageously,
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  Speaker 1: and the willingness to coexist with it without being controlled
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  Speaker 1: by it. Can I still write my story? Can I
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  Speaker 1: still create my own path and future? Can I still
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  Speaker 1: exploit my potential and my resources and my energy and
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  Speaker 1: my brain despite the fact that I'm scared, Despite the
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  Speaker 1: fact that I am an overthinker, Despite the fact that
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  Speaker 1: I'm scared of rejection and embarrassment and humiliation, Despite the
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  Speaker 1: fact that I'm not good at it yet, despite the
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  Speaker 1: fact that I don't have much skill yet, despite the
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  Speaker 1: fact that this is Can I still do the thing
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  Speaker 1: that's going to grow me, that's going to evolve me,
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  Speaker 1: that's going to improve me. Can I do that? That
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  Speaker 1: is courage? In the middle of fear. You think about
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  Speaker 1: a firefighter running into a burning building. He or she
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  Speaker 1: feels fear. They feel the fear, They negotiate the fear,
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  Speaker 1: they respect the fear, They do everything they can to
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  Speaker 1: make themselves and others safe, But nonetheless they run towards
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  Speaker 1: the fear, or more specifically or literally, they run towards
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  Speaker 1: the flames, the athlete before a grand final fear, the
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  Speaker 1: person starting all over again at fifty. It's scary, it's terrifying.
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  Speaker 1: It's hard. But guess what. We're not going to accidentally succeed.
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  Speaker 1: We're not going to somehow land on our feet. Life's
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  Speaker 1: not going to work it out for us. If we're twenty, thirty, forty,
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  Speaker 1: or sixty, We've got to start over again. That's what's required,
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  Speaker 1: is to Yet. Are you scared? Yeah, I'm scared. Is
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  Speaker 1: that okay that you're scared? Yet? It's okay? Can you
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  Speaker 1: do the thing despite your fear? I can. When I
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  Speaker 1: started my doctorate at fifty six, I was scared. I
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  Speaker 1: was embarrassed. I felt inadequate. I felt like a fake.
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  Speaker 1: I felt imposter syndrome. I felt awkward and uncomfortable sitting
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  Speaker 1: in a room with you know what, was at maybe
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  Speaker 1: ten desks and every other the HD student in the room,
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  Speaker 1: every one of them was less than half my age.
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  Speaker 1: I would say, maybe there was a thirty year old,
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  Speaker 1: but I'm fifty six. I would say the average age
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  Speaker 1: it was twenty four. I'm in there, and I'm fifty six,
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  Speaker 1: and I don't know. I don't know what they know.
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  Speaker 1: I'm not efficient, I'm not tech savvy. I don't understand
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  Speaker 1: so many things. I don't know how to do a PhD.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know how to read academic papers. I don't
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  Speaker 1: know how to research. I don't even know really how
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  Speaker 1: to have the conversations with them that they are having
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  Speaker 1: about the study, about the research, about all of the
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  Speaker 1: variables around this. I am so overwhelmingly scared. But I
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  Speaker 1: also know I can't learn the language. I can't learn
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  Speaker 1: to research. I can't learn to be an academic. I
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  Speaker 1: can't evolve, I can't grow. I can't become a doctor
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  Speaker 1: of psychology. I can't without being scared that the path,
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  Speaker 1: A big part of the path for me, was sucking.
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  Speaker 1: Will I suck? Yes? Will I be bad at things
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  Speaker 1: more things that I'm good at initially? Yes? I will.
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  Speaker 1: Am I the dumbest in terms of this academic endeavor
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  Speaker 1: right now? In terms of ability and function and operation
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  Speaker 1: and efficiency? Am I the dumbest in the room? In
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  Speaker 1: that context? I'm the dumbest? Or Craig. Can your ego
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  Speaker 1: cope with that? It has to so This is human,
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  Speaker 1: This is normal. If I waited until I felt no
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  Speaker 1: fear or anxiety or self doubt or there was no overthinking,
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  Speaker 1: I would never have showed up on the first day.
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  Speaker 1: And it's not it's not that now that I'm finishing
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  Speaker 1: the you know, the home straight of my research, it's
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  Speaker 1: not that Jesus, isn't he smart and isn't he this?
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  Speaker 1: And isn't it he that? Because that ain't true. That
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  Speaker 1: makes people feel feel better because oh, he got this
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  Speaker 1: or he did that because he's gifted or he's special
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  Speaker 1: or he's smarter, or but what if I'm not like,
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  Speaker 1: what if I'm not What if I'm average at best?
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  Speaker 1: What if you know and not just me? And it's
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  Speaker 1: not like I'm the high water mark for success. So
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  Speaker 1: I mean, intend no arrogance in this. But what if
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  Speaker 1: I just keep showing up despite my fear and inadequacy
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  Speaker 1: and lack of this and lack of that. Maybe we
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  Speaker 1: need to stop shaming ourselves for being afraid, and stop
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  Speaker 1: pretending that confident people don't get scared, and stop confusing
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  Speaker 1: emotional suppression with strength. Some people present as strong because
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  Speaker 1: they want to be seen as strong. I have done that,
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  Speaker 1: have I ever wanted to look more confident than I
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  Speaker 1: actually was. Of course I have, because I'm a bloke
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  Speaker 1: and I've got ego and I've got bullshit. Was the
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  Speaker 1: persona that I was presenting consistent with the emotions of
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  Speaker 1: the person behind the act. Absolutely not. Some of the
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  Speaker 1: most outwardly confident, capable, and successful people that you meet
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  Speaker 1: at times are completely fucking terrified. They've just learned sometimes
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  Speaker 1: how to function alongside fear instead of surrendering it to it.
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  Speaker 1: Instead of surrendering to it, fear can be a teacher.
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  Speaker 1: Fear can sharpen awareness. Fear can keep our ego in check.
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  Speaker 1: Fear can prepare us better, think deeper, help us act
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  Speaker 1: more carefully and in a considered fashion. I like these days.
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  Speaker 1: I didn't always, of course, But I like talking to
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  Speaker 1: people about the fact that I have shortcomings, that I
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: am scared of things that I because my experience anyway,
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  Speaker 1: is that people relate to it because it's true. They go,
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  Speaker 1: oh wow, I'm a bit fucked up as well. Thank
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  Speaker 1: God for you, and thanks for telling me. Thanks for
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: telling me you're a bit fucked up, Thanks for telling
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  Speaker 1: me you're a bit scared. Thanks for telling me that
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  Speaker 1: you're not good at things quite often at the start.
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  Speaker 1: So the problem is not fear. The problem is when
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  Speaker 1: fear becomes the boss, the manager, the leader, the one
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  Speaker 1: calling the shots. There's a big difference between acknowledging that
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  Speaker 1: I'm scared, acknowledging fear, and being controlled, manipulated, coerced, destroyed
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  Speaker 1: by that fear. One is human awareness and the other
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  Speaker 1: one is self imposed limitation and destruction. So I don't
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  Speaker 1: really aspire at all to be fearless. I aspire to
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  Speaker 1: be aware and adaptable and emotionally intelligent, and in the
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  Speaker 1: middle of my numerous fears, to be courageous, because fearless
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  Speaker 1: sounds great on a T shirt, but courage in the
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  Speaker 1: middle of the fear is where we make the breakthroughs.