Latest / Aging Parent TrapX / Caring for Aging Parents is Time Consuming
Transcript
- Allison Newlon: why don't they just make us send documents with a carrier pigeon? I mean, that's how antiquated Nikki ElitePrepServices: Yeah. Julie Cook: The carrier pigeon. Allison Newlon: that's how antiquated some of these processes are and we have b busy lives, Welcome to the Aging Parent Trap X podcast and YouTube channel. My name is Alison Newland. I'm the broker owner of Platinum Properties of Florida in the Greater Tampa area. I'm here with my friends and colleagues, Julie Cook with Generational Transitions and Nikki Flynn with Elite Preparation Services. And we are talking today about things Gen Xers have to do for their aging parents and how time consuming it can be. It can really be time consuming, and I thought about this when I was working on my own mother's end of the month stuff. Every at the end of every month I have to take care of a few things. and I am required to send a fax of the bill for her her condo her assistant living condo to her long-term care policy provider which is State Farm and so that they can reimburse or reimburse her for making payment To the long-term care facility or the assistant living facility. It's so confusing. And I have to fax it. Now, luckily, I have access to a faxing capability through scanning and software through my real estate company. But I mean, many people don't have that technology and they most certainly don't have a fax machine anymore. And it it it's it's I think it's kind of crazy. It's just it's a hoop. were jumping hoops to help, you know, our aging parents. They couldn't do this themselves. I can you even imagine if they were required to fax the document to State Farm for reimbursement? My eighty year old mom Julie Cook: That would be Nikki ElitePrepServices: Go. Julie Cook: I can't imagine. I'm trying Allison Newlon: Cause Julie Cook: to envision my dad trying to navigate that in his eighties, or my stepmom for that matter, and no. Now I have been told that because much of what I do requires faxing, and I keep saying, Can I just shoot you an email? But I'm told somehow it ties into confidentiality. I don't Nikki, Nikki ElitePrepServices: HIPAA compliance. Julie Cook: yeah, Nikki would know more about all of the details behind that. So I'm like, okay, I want to be compliant, but Yeah, you suggested Allison carrier pigeons. You know, I don't know if they're confidential, Allison Newlon: Ha ha ha Julie Cook: but it seems like it would be, you know, the same process. Allison Newlon: I mean my mom could probably handle that, but there's no way in her little th three hundred and fifty square foot you know s condo I call it that she would have a scanner and and be able to with her arthritis you know her fingers and to get the document in the scanner and then you know then once it's there then make sure it's in her email and then you all the steps to do the stuff or whatever for an eFax or you know of course you can scan from your iPhone which she has but even that can be a little tricky so you could scan Scan it and then you could email it from software, but you have to have the software. Do you have an actual fax machine, Julie? Julie Cook: I do not. I do a lot of scanning and sending it through an app that acts as a fax. Yeah. Allison Newlon: Mm-hmm. Yeah. I mean when I think of facts I think about in the late eighties, the curly heated paper, and you know, when it was done, the the roll and then Julie Cook: The roll, yeah. Allison Newlon: much like much like a roll in a cash register at like Publix for it, but you know eight you know, it was eight inches wide. Julie Cook: Mm-hmm. Allison Newlon: And then when it was done, you had the empty cardboard thing, like a paper towel, you know, thing, and we just had Stacks and stuff. And we kept that stuff. We kept it, but it faded. I Julie Cook: I remember Allison Newlon: don't know. That's what I think about as a fax machine. But anyways, it just got me thinking, you know, it it's time consuming to do that. And one thing I read actually I read this today, and I'm gonna I'm gonna read it here. It says when families when families don't notice reverse dependency okay reverse dependency is often often gradual paying for groceries traveling to appointments picking up prescriptions and then finally financial dependency can even become the norm so it can easily it can be easy to view parents as caregivers Let's see, it can be easy to view parents as caregivers even after the roles have reversed as such. If one, if it can feel more like helping rather than supporting a dependent. And sometimes families don't notice the reverse dependencies. And I think that's that's really, you know, it's a gradual thing. You're helping mom do something, you're helping dad do something, and we all want to do that, but then it becomes the norm of everything that you're doing for for them sometimes. Like I know it's the norm you know for Nikki right now. I'm just doing little stuff, but it takes me hours a month to take care of the things. But reverse dependency and just not recognizing it until it's like just the norm. Has that happened to you, Nikki, like completely or? Nikki ElitePrepServices: 100 % that's exactly what it is and my husband told he tells me all the time that I'm the enabler and it's like no what happened was that it was little things gradual things that just became more routine and it just took over it has a mind of its own and it just became a dependency thing from that point forward Allison Newlon: Yeah. It says here it says families adapt to changing circumstances one small adjustment at a time without stopping to reconsider whether the beneficiary designations and other planning decisions will reflect who will experience the greatest financial hardship if that support suddenly disappears. It's really interesting, and that's why planning comes into a big part of you know what we talk about here. We're just we're trying to help Gen Xers figure out out how to navigate their parents' senior years with them. And so I I made a little list of of things that I personally take care of for my mom every single month or have had to set up for her. And so okay so I already did the the fax thing stuff. And then I had to set up Zell payments for some maintenance things at the rental home that she has in Sarasota that that we have a tenant in and that has to have lawn care and pool care and so those things are set up through Zell but that's a whole process if you've never set up a Zell before and you don't use it on a regular basis it takes a little bit of time so you're not really expecting you're just thinking yeah okay I'll pay you the $150. no no you have to do the thing and you have to make sure that you're not Sending too much money, and you have to wait until there's a you got there's a process, so it takes time and you have to be really careful. It's almost scary because I'm like, Did I put an extra zero there? Like one extra zero, and the money's gone, you're not getting it back. I don't want to accidentally Julie Cook: Mm-hmm. True. Allison Newlon: send you know the lawn guy 1500 when I do 150, but once you get it set up, then it's automatic, and so that's good. the medical forms, care plans, things like that now. You know, I get emails from the facility where my mom lives. on a fairly frequent basis of you know of things that she could handle on her own but for some reason because I am listed as like her point of contact person it doesn't say I have to make decisions for her. She's still she has mental capacity. They still they still do that. They'll be like they'll even call me sometimes and say, is it okay if she makes an appointment with the dermatologist? Yeah, that's fine. Why you calling me like I don't need to know that the doctor's gonna come into her room. It's okay. She can do that. Like there's no reason that they need to call call me and do that. And so You know, those little things. I know it sounds small, but if you're working and you're doing stuff and then you're getting these calls or having to look at this these emails and read it and see if there is something you're supposed to do, that takes time that you didn't expect to spend on something that the aging parent could take care of of on their own. But maybe I'm just being picky. I don't know. I Julie Cook: No, I think it's valid. I mean, it's like you said, if you're in the middle of a work day and you're getting calls, can mom do this? Well, of course mom can do this, you know. so I can yeah, I can see where that Allison Newlon: Did you ask her? You know, like did you eat Julie Cook: would be frustrating. On the flip side of it, I because I I understand to a degree the community side of it, they're wanting family involvement. And so they want to make sure the family knows what's happening with mom. That mom's involved, that she's well taken care of. So I I one thousand percent see both sides of it. It can be annoying for you, especially when you're busy, but they wouldn't want it to be where you're like, I never hear from you. I don't have a clue what's going on with my mom. So no, not a jerk at all. Because when you're busy Allison Newlon: Yeah, okay. Now I feel like a jerk. Now I feel like a jerk. But no, but I mean it's true, because I do, I get annoyed. I'm like, what? 'Cause I never had to I was never part of any of those decisions in the past until bam, I ha you know, I have Julie Cook: Yep. Yep. Allison Newlon: to somehow be involved. so Also, something that happens monthly or every six weeks is ordering supplies off of Amazon. My mom gets some personal items like depends and things like that. She does not get that provided to her automatically, so we have to get things from Amazon so it's delivered to her. she'd call Me go I or text me. I need this, I need that. And she does she's like the one text person, she doesn't just send it all together. So I might get five texts of this that you know over the course of a day. So like I might order something. I have to go back and log in and order another thing and do it again, do it again. So finally I got to a point where I was like, All right, I see a pattern here, it looks like every six weeks. so I'm gonna set this up on a subscription, right? And So that she just gets that Julie Cook: Mm-hmm. Allison Newlon: automatic delivery and then Julie Cook: Yeah. Allison Newlon: I can set it and forget it and she gets a discount because when you set up a subscription like on Amazon, you get a couple bucks off. And no, wasn't good enough. No, because then she Julie Cook: Didn't work? Allison Newlon: I don't know if it I mean because she swore that she had more than she needed now when that happened. But when I look at the pattern, like it didn't that didn't make sense, you know, it's but I think it almost is because she wanted to tell me to do something to say Julie Cook: She's being a mom. Allison Newlon: You like it because it it wa it it made so much like I could see every delivery and I timed it out and I was like, I was so proud of myself. I'm like, I'm gonna save so much time, she doesn't have to bother me with this, it's gonna be good and nope. So I so I canceled it all because she I have too much of that, Alison. I don't know where to put it and I'm like, Okay, I'm out. So I canceled it all, she doesn't Julie Cook: Yeah. Allison Newlon: get the discount and then I have to get, you know, then I just stop what Julie Cook: Mm. Allison Newlon: I'm doing and order. it but I go is there anything else that you need so I can do it all at one time so I do do that and then groceries she doesn't need a lot of groceries, first of all, right? Because they have food at the assistant living facilities. but you know, it's nice to have a little sna some snacks, some yogurt or fruit or whatever in your your refrigerator. And before it was taking when she first got there, of course I did the ordering for her based on her text message that she was sending me. And then I trained her on how to do the the you know, Instacart orders. Now I feel like a a big jerk again because something we're gonna talk about next in the next video that we're doing is what it's like to have like arthritis in your hands. with Mel Mel Robbins. If you don't know who Mel Robbins is, she wrote the book The Let Them Theory anyway she does podcast and on podcast it was the physicalities of being in a senior body and the MIT people put a suit on her and we're gonna talk about that next but one of the parts of the suit w were were her hands. and so she had to like simul well, she had to dial the phone or send a text message and, you know, she had funky glasses on so she couldn't see right and she had her hands, she couldn't move her hands. and now like I'm here making my mom order stuff on Instacart. Julie Cook: Ha ha Allison Newlon: And I feel I feel kind of bad, but she's got the hang of it and she doesn't really need very much. And I you know, you need s you do need something to do. I mean, if there's you know, if you if all you do is get up, go to the cafeteria, come back, go to bingo, come back. But I I actually think it's probably pretty good for her to be on the public's website and kind of looking and picking out something. There's shopping gratification doing that. But anyways, when she wasn't doing it, it was it was a it was a time consuming task. And but I do feel like a little bit of a jerk from kind of complaining about all of it, honestly. But I mean can you guys think of i any of the stuff that people don't think about that they have to do for their parents? I mean, once they're in the facility, that's one thing, but if they're aging in place and you know, you have to go to their house a lot of times or you have to shuffle them around to doctor's appointments. Nikki and Julie, you're going on a road trip to Texas. Julie Cook: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. My my mother in law, who is legally blind and is widowed, is having a procedure and doesn't have needs some extra help. So now thinking about her, when you mentioned the online groceries, once my father in law passed, we did set her up. She lives at home independently. We set her up where she orders her groceries through an app. She has a way to magnify the font. And I I've not thought about the impact it may or may not have on her hands. She'll let me know because she watches our podcast. But but she enjoys doing that because it's something that gives her independence. So just to get the flip side of it, I know you're feeling bad about your mom, but you know the flip side is that may be a source of independence in that I don't want that brand of cereal. I want this brand and I'm gonna pick out the brand I want, even if Allison Newlon: Yes. Julie Cook: I can't physically go to the store. So Allison Newlon: Yes. Julie Cook: I can I see what you're saying with feeling bad. To make you feel a little better, it may give your mom some independence. Allison Newlon: Yeah, I I mean I I love to grocery shop, like personally. Like it doesn't b I know some people hate to go to Publix. I love Publix. You hate it? my gosh. Julie Cook: I hate it. I hate it. Except for Wednesday, five dollar sushi. Then okay, I'm there. But otherwise I hate it. Allison Newlon: Julie. Nikki ElitePrepServices: you Allison Newlon: Julie, I'm gonna we're gonna have to meet for real sushi. I mean, publics will get yeah, okay. Julie Cook: Yes, let's do that. Allison Newlon: Perfect. Once once Nikki's leg is not Julie Cook: Yeah. Allison Newlon: a bum anymore and she can meet us, that's what we'll do for our for our fall our fall get together fall holiday get together. The the three of us in person. okay, it's a done deal. Julie Cook: Yes. That would be great. Allison Newlon: We're gonna do that. Julie Cook: I love it. And not it public. Allison Newlon: Well and Nikki s so well so you're taking like four or five days to go and do this stuff, so that's time consuming. But like a lot of people shuffle their parents to and from the doctors. and I know n Nikki knows that. and it's a very time consuming Nikki ElitePrepServices: It's time consuming, it's stressful. Just had one today where, you know, a husband's truck is in the shop and dad was out working so I had to take mom to Moffitt so we jumped in to Anuber. And you know, sometimes you just gotta roll with the flow. Allison Newlon: Because you can't drive right now because you're in a leg brace. Right? Nikki ElitePrepServices: Well, no, I still can drive, we just have two vehicles now. Allison Newlon: Gotcha. Nikki ElitePrepServices: it just was, with my husband and I working from home, there's really no point in me having my own vehicle for Allison Newlon: Yeah. Nikki ElitePrepServices: what, if we go anywhere, we're always together. So I'm not gonna spend $1,000 a month for an institutional car when there's no Allison Newlon: No. I love that. Nikki ElitePrepServices: need. So we just have the truck, but it is in the shop right now and it's just super inconvenient and they moved some stuff around for me to get her in for the appointment today. So I was like, no, I, whatever it takes. And it's not a big deal. I don't mind taking Ubers. I take Ubers all the time when I need to. So it was okay. It was convenient. The driver was super nice. So it was a good experience for her to have. That was her first time in an Uber. So Allison Newlon: wow. Julie Cook: Yeah. Nikki ElitePrepServices: yeah, but you know, yeah. Allison Newlon: But that's a a long period of time for you. Nikki ElitePrepServices: And you know, going to and from appointments. depending on where they are, you've got to factor in traffic. You also have to factor in by time you get there, like the wait times. it's just, you know, my dad's cardiologist is literally right up the street, but we have to wait an hour before we're even seen. Like it's just, it's so inconsiderate of your time. So it's like when you block out time for these appointments and you're trying to be the good child and you're trying to be supportive and you're trying to be there and you're trying to be the caretaker. and you're juggling so many different things and then it's like, the doctor's office, God forbid you're five minutes late, but they could be an hour late and they don't care. And it's like, that's so inconsiderate of our time. And I really, really dislike that about offices. It's like, I get it when there's emergencies and things run behind, but if I'm scheduling an appointment right after lunch and there ain't nobody else in that waiting room, tell me why I'm waiting an hour. Julie Cook: Mm-hmm. Allison Newlon: Yes. Nikki ElitePrepServices: That's just ignorance to me. You can't tell me you're running behind or whatever. No, I don't buy it. And that makes me mad. But when you're doing specialists, you're at their mercy because they see everybody, not just Medicare age. So it's like you really don't have a choice. Or you're looking at six months out for another appointment. So it's just a vicious cycle. Allison Newlon: True. That, yeah, that six months out part is bananas. Six or eight months. I think I had to schedule an appointment for my mom for eight months out. And I don't know what I'm gonna be doing eight months from the like I Julie Cook: Yeah. Allison Newlon: don't know if that day. I guess one could say, Well, you are well, you do know because you're gonna be doing the doctor appointment, but I will tell you if I'm supposed to have like a closing that day or a client is coming in town that day, you know, I don't know, I might need to rearrange some stuff. And I'm pretty good with that kind of stuff, but I do try to get the early morning appointments when I do things with my mom, like the early, like eight thirty, you know, but that's that's I know that's hard for. her but her appointments when i have to drive her usually i have to drive her to the other side of pasco county which is a very long county like east to west it's very long and it just it takes forever to get to the thing. So I have to pick her up basically I have to get to her place like an hour before the appointment starts so I can get her in the car because that's a difficult process. And then, Nikki ElitePrepServices: Yep. Allison Newlon: you know, I don't know what the traffic's gonna be like. And I'm a Julie Cook: Yeah. Allison Newlon: person who is I try not to be late. I try to be, you know, five minutes early at least, right? And so I'm usually there a little bit earlier. but it and and then waiting and then the actual appointment and sometimes they see them for 10 minutes and you're done and sometimes there's a really good thorough doctor and you're in there for an hour and you're like why is it taking so long? Why are you doing such a good job? I expected 10 minutes. You know like that was the last appointment I was like Lord lady Julie Cook: Don't have time for this. Allison Newlon: what else are you going to ask her? Like I, you know, I have it was it was a lot. It was a lot. We were in there for like an hour and then she had to go to someplace else and take blood work. I thought I was gonna lose my mind that day. We were there till like noon and I I was such a baby. I just wanted to get done and go back home because I knew I wouldn't be home till like two. I still had work to do. so gosh. Julie Cook: Yeah. Allison Newlon: Yes, it's a lot. It's a lot of stuff. But I know you know, talking about it here you know, helps people because e I had a friend the other day that called me and she was talking about something and it turns out she was caring for a a great aunt of hers and finally has gotten too much where the aunt has to find assistant living. So she was like in a a rehab c skilled nursing center temporarily and she was gonna go out and find her a place. And she had already had all the appointments scheduled, Julie, by the way, and also it's in Pasco County. but she was our it was already planned for the next day. And Julie Cook: Give her my number. Allison Newlon: you know, but she was gonna spend her entire day going to these different places to check out the stuff for her aunt. So these are things that we need to be aware of that are gonna happen, that we have to make time for in our busy lives. Julie Cook: Yeah. Allison Newlon: let us know what you're going through dealing with your aging parents and time management, things to consider, maybe some things that help you or things that are driving you crazy, or maybe something you would like us to discuss on this channel and podcast. Remember you. you can listen to us on Spotify, iHeart, and Apple. and Amazon streaming Amazon I think I'm not sure exactly what it's called but there's a streaming service with Amazon so we are as actual podcast on those and of course our YouTube channel thank you very much for watching