Latest / AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation / [EP62] What to do when you get promoted.. and your work friends go cold

Transcript

[EP62] What to do when you get promoted.. and your work friends go cold · AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation

• 0:00
  Different people need to be communicated to in different ways. That's what I found.
• 0:05
  We all have, when we get down to the detail of it, we all have certain ways, certain things that need to be done for us to feel like whatever, included or whatever the emotion is basically.
• 0:19
  Like not cut out or to feel a connection.
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  so it could be that
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  you know in her map of the world
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  that they are not short answers
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  one word answers
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  for her she's saying
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  you know like you said it in a short
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  like you know just like nice
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  way which may or may not be true
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  so just knowing that like different people
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  need different things
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  so some people need
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  it to be said in a certain way
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  they need you to look at them
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  they need you to smile
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  they need you to whatever
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  you know like
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  might not be able to consciously tell you what it is, but that's what they need.
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  And then other people, you could give the same response, like, how's your holiday?
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  Nice.
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  And you walk past, and they're like, oh, wow, cool.
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  Yeah, well, good.
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  So it's not an issue, because in their map of the world, that person responded,
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  they don't need anything else.
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  They don't need you to stop and look at them or say more or soften it or whatever.
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  And I'll come to the softening thing in a minute.
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  So just know that part of communication is that, at least what I've learned, or still learning, is that each person has certain things need to be done for them to feel a certain way.
• 1:38
  Like, okay, you need to do this, this, this, this, this for that person to feel this thing all connected, or I feel connected with you.
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  So you need to stop, not walk past them.
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  You need to look at them.
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  You need to smile at them.
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  you need to not give one word answer but just give more explanation
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  you need to not you know be like rushed so it's not like short you know expression and then when
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  those things like it's a tick box in the mind they can't probably consciously tell you but when you
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  do those things they feel like oh okay i feel connected to you and someone else which has a
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  different map of the world you know like probably if i i don't know like if i you probably experienced
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  this you know let's say in program for example i don't know like we don't have too many conversations
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  in the morning maybe right because like as you said you're not a morning person and if you ask
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  me like how things are and i'm gonna go yeah you're good all fine and you're like okay cool
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  you're fine with that because for you in your map of the world it's okay you've got a one word or
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  two-word answer is fine there's enough but for someone else that's going to mean in their map
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  of the world's like oh my god what's wrong why did you just give me one or two words maybe he
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  thinks maybe it's that maybe it's this you know and then it start getting then they start making
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  shit up in their heads so different people are different you know and then to add to it like
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  you know you become a team leader recently certain people are going to feel like oh okay does that
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  mean we are different doesn't mean you are not part of my group anymore you know and they're like
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  they might have that and that's really you know for them so it's like a mix of things that's in
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  play here right and it's like oh but you talk nicely to the cfo you have a lot of time you know
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  to speak to her and you stop and you you know have long like sentences not just one word answers
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  it seems like that's one of the things for this person you know it's just like not one word answer
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  of answers that you stop that you have time to speak to them because maybe i don't know i'm
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  guessing maybe she feels in her mind like there's something around like hey you've climbed up to the
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  next rung of the ladder the corporate ladder you know and they maybe have some insecurities around
• 3:58
  that like they maybe want the job or they know they would just they don't want the job they don't
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  want to do the work for it or you know who knows what's going on in their minds but there's something
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  for example right so they have their thing around that and that you kind of
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  can't do anything about because that's not anything to do with you you know
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  someone has a thing about rank and they're like oh if you become a team
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  leader you are whatever or management is you know like those kinds of people if
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  you ask them like fill in the blanks management is dot dot dot they will say
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  certain things you know all managers are these way out you know like the bosses
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  The senior managers are that, this and that.
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  The management of this company are this and that way.
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  They will say certain things
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  because they have certain beliefs on how people are different.
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  It's not that you're higher than them,
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  but in a corporate structure,
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  they even kind of map it out like that, right?
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  Like in a tree, upside down tree format.
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  So they think of it like that
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  and they have insecurities around that.
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  And they might not have ambition to do the work
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  and climb up the ladder,
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  but anyone who does they're seen as like okay you're different to me and we are now separate
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  so you're not part of my group anymore and i can't tell you those you know whatever things anymore
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  my experience of being corporate that's obviously 20 years ago and probably a lot of it's same or
• 5:25
  similar or maybe worse um is that i i'm not saying you need to follow me either like it's just what i
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  did it was very clear to me that like i'm not at work to make friends do you know i mean like i'm
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  not there to do work and to get paid and this extra thing called let me see if i can find some
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  friends here so and i'm not trying to make enemies either but i'm just there to do a job right so and
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  if there are people that i feel a really strong connection with you know there's like a few people
• 6:00
  that have become friends.
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  We were friends and we are still friends.
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  You know, like there's one of my guys in my team
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  and I was a manager and he was in my team.
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  And we were like, I don't know,
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  he was one of my best friends there
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  at the time when I was in Australia.
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  And, you know, some years ago he came to London
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  with his family and we met up.
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  But there's very few of those kinds of people
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  that were like my ex-colleagues that I would meet up.
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  I'm not trying to go there to make friends.
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  Do you know what I mean?
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  I'm also not trying to make enemies.
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  And just call it, I'm here for work.
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  So if I'm not there to make friends,
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  I wouldn't do friend things outside of work.
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  I'd do work things with work colleagues.
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  And there was this thing called Friday drinks.
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  But even with Friday drinks,
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  there's a few people,
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  these guys were friends already with me
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  before I started working at that place.
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  So I'd hang out with my friends,
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  but with my colleagues, I'm like,
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  yeah, I'm friendly,
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  but I'm not trying to be their friend.
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  Do you know what I mean?
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  So therefore, there isn't this expectation of like,
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  yeah, we have to go and hang out for lunch
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  and we have to talk about certain things,
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  which a lot of times this ends up being
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  like office gossip anyway.
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  So that's the other thing,
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  when you stop participating in the office gossip,
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  suddenly you're not one of the gossip crew anymore.
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  And if you're not gossiping,
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  then you're not part of the crew.
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  And actually, it's a good crew to be not part of,
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  the gossip crew,
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  because they will just whinge and bitch and moan all the time.
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  That's all they do.
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  And it's just fucking miserable.
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  They're always miserable.
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  The whole group is miserable.
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  And it's just, I just wouldn't want to be a part of that.
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  And they would see like, okay, you've advanced now.
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  You become team leader.
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  manager, you became senior manager. And you know, every climb, you're going to get certain people
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  not be happy with that. Just seems to be how human beings work. Unfortunate. Some people won't have
• 8:10
  an issue with it. And they'll be really happy for you. And they genuinely are. But others, like a
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  lot of people can't handle it. And a lot of times like the people who either want the job and not
• 8:20
  willing to do the work, or they don't want that job. But they'll definitely not do like they
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  won't do the work either you know they will just stay where they are they'll just stay and they'll
• 8:30
  just whinge and gossip and moan and that's just they'll just be there that's just where they are
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  they just get into a comfort zone and they're going to stay there you know so for me i found
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  like first i'm not here to make friends i'll be friendly and i'll be kind and i'll be helpful and
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  i'll be supportive but i'm not here to make friends i'm not looking to make friends and
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  friendships, form friendships. If it happens, awesome. But it's going to take a very certain
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  kind of person or people for me to really fit a connection with and want to hang out with outside
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  of work. Like, you know, it was only that one buddy of mine that we just like, I don't know,
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  we just clicked, you know, we're just like good friends. So and we got it, you know, like,
• 9:14
  yes, like we talked about work and stuff. But it was just when we're out, we're not talking about
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  work we couldn't care less you know we just it was a friendship do you know what i mean and that's
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  very rare i found but everyone else like i'm friendly with them i'm nice to them like i'm
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  kind to them but i'm not going to you know like compromise what i'm there to do and i was very
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  clear in my mind that i'm there to fucking work and i'm there to be one of the high performers
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  and i'm there to win in my role basically i would do as good as i can in this role so i could get
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  next promotion next promotion and as you climb up and you start to earn more you know there's less
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  and less people further up the top like i bet you she's not going to go to the cfo and say that hey
• 10:00
  you're not very friendly with me because your manager is not there like your cfo is not there
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  to make friends she's friendly probably but she's there to get a job done do you know what i mean
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  so when someone's like oh you're not being you know why don't you stop and just have a chat with
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  me at my desk it's like because i have no fucking time man come on we're gonna get shit done and
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  plus i don't care about the gossip and you're right yes i stopped gossiping because i found
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  that that was really just corroding away at my performance and my mental peace and you know like
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  just enjoyment of the job so no i'm not going to do that anymore yeah you're right but there might
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  be certain things around like okay you could be softer in your communication and it's interesting
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  we say, I want to be softer in my communication, as you put it in your why, what do you get? The
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  universe is going to give you challenges that's going to challenge you to be harder in your
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  communication and challenge you to like go, okay, are you going to soften up? And then also find how
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  you can soften your communication and still be clear and effective, like get your point across,
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  but soften it.
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  So it's giving you experiences.
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  This is how life works, it seems like.
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  The moment you say, I'm going to work on this,
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  well, you get all the experiences
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  to help you shape that and build that.
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  So you are.
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  You're getting the experiences.
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  You know, and
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  I don't know, again, like
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  there are some people who are just brutal
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  and cutthroat like in corporate
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  and I don't believe in that because I think that's just
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  unnecessary and just stupid really
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  you can be a good person and you can be kind
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  but also like not
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  participate in the bullshit
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  you know the gossip, the whinging, the complaining
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  all of that stuff
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  And they form kind of clans like crews.
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  And you don't want to be a part of that.
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  Because they will just drag you down and keep you there.
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  If you look at those people in those groups, they all stay there.
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  So you were saying like, I should find another group.
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  Don't.
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  Don't find another group.
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  Or find people who are going to challenge you.
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  And keep you honest and keep you real basically.
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  You know, like mentors in your business or outside like a different business.
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  And surround yourself with those people because they're going to challenge you to just show up as your next level.
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  And in a company, there's going to be most people are just fucking useless.
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  They don't want to do the work.
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  They don't want to be responsible.
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  They want to do as little as possible and get as much as they can.
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  and there's very few people who would have a different mindset like which you do i would say
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  that you're just showing there showing up to you know be a high performer and high performers want
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  to be measured they want to perform they want to do the job really well and they're actually doing
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  the next job before they get the title and the promotion the pay and you know not everyone wants
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  to show up like that and that's okay you don't have to hate on them but also you don't have to
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  participate in their bullshit but there might be something around the communication like okay
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  i could be softer cool okay let me work on that and it's hard to be softer in your communication
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  but be clear and get your point across some people are not going to like it and some people are going
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  to put you in the box and say oh you're a team leader now so you're so you know what like what
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  you're saying arrogant or what it is yeah i've had that many times oh you're this now right so
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  you can't talk to us anymore i'm here you know but yes like i'm not going to participate in any
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  more gossip that's true because i realized that i gossip a lot and i'm just need to cut that out
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  so i did just one day and didn't make an announcement out of it i didn't have to send
• 14:13
  a company email and saying, okay, everyone, from today on, I'm going to stop gossiping.
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  I just fucking did it.
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  Feel free to try that if you want.
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  They'll probably think you're more arrogant.
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  Not everyone's a team leader, and there's a reason for that.
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  Not everyone's the manager or the CFO.
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  There's a reason for that.
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  And you probably won't find your CFO or your senior managers going around trying to be
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  friends with everyone in the company because they can't.
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  They might be, but probably not.
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  because this is a responsibility and yeah like most people are probably going to think they're
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  an asshole and they're going to hate on them for having a bigger salary and whatever but like
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  they have to earn their place there they have to do the fucking work
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  you know unless the ceo's on drugs and just hired them for no reason which they're probably not
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  it's just the reality of it same with every level of whatever you know so i found that in my sport
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  that in like business same there's a yoga teacher people always want to support the underdog and the
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  moment they realize you're not the underdog and you're the same or above them in their mind
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  whatever they put us above they stop supporting you most people are like that it's just how it
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  works it's part of the journey of stepping up and you know creating more in your life