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All The Firsts After Separation & Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce, or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the war and tree people of the Coolin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: And today we're talking about all the firsts.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: All the firsts after separation, all the firsts after divorce.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're already there, you know the ones.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you're yet to experience some of them, you probably know some of them are coming for you.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: The quiet, breath stealing moments that no one warns you about, that you can never really be fully ready or prepared for.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Those moments, the times that maybe you know are coming, that you're dreading, and that hit really, really hard.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they sneak up on you out of the blue and suddenly you're crying in the car park of your kids' school, or you're staring at the ceiling on a night you thought would feel different, that you thought would feel free and liberating, but instead just feels empty, hollow.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's crying all weekend because you didn't have kids.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't have your kids to miss really big parts of their lives while they're spending time with their other parent, right?
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: These firsts after separation, after divorce can feel absolutely brutal.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: They're disorienting, they're destabilizing, they're emotional, and they're full of loss and empty emptiness and absence, right?
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: But I want you to know that they are also temporary.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they still hurt across time, but sometimes they soften.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the hurt doesn't get less, but maybe we just get better at dealing with it.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I want you to know that you can get through the firsts and the seconds and the thirds.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: You can get through them with the right support, the right community, the right scaffolding around you.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk through what some of those firsts might be, why they hit so hard, and what can actually help.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: So, what firsts are we talking about?
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: There are so many.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: And there are common ones, and then there'll be those that are unique to your family, your circumstances, your life.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's the first time your child or children aren't with you for a significant event, Christmas, whatever that is for your family.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Or it's the first birthday morning you miss their little face waking up, their little bed hair face, and you miss that.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's the first night you spend alone in the house.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Or it's the first family dinner, school event, birthday party that you attend as a solo person, single person.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: It could be the first time you walk into a room full of couples and feel completely untethered that you don't belong.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Or the first time you're left off the invitation list because you are the only single person in your social group.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, that happens.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: There's a whole podcast episode about feeling frozen out after divorce.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: So if you haven't listened to that one, go back and have a listen.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: It might be for you the first anniversary of your relationship, maybe of the first date or your wedding anniversary, which then becomes not a celebration anymore, but still a date that lives in your body, that is still part of your story, a part of who you are.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's the first time one of your children gets sick and you're not there.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Or it's the first time they go on holidays with your ex-partner and maybe their new partner.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Or it's the first time you realize you're not waiting for anyone to come home anymore.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's you, it's all on you.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: So whatever the firsts are for you, and as I said, there'll be some that are unique to your family, your circumstances, your life, not just the generic ones I've shared.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever they are, each of these moments is a marker.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: It marks a shift.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: They don't just bring up loss and sadness and grief and emptiness, although that can feel enormous.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: That loss can feel huge.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: They stir up questions about who you are now, what your role is, what your family looks like, what's coming for you next, who you're morphing into, what your family's shifting and changing into.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: They bring up challenges, thoughts, feelings about identity, grief, fear, change, even guilt, right?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Even guilt.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Guilt that perhaps you couldn't make it work, guilt that you couldn't hold it all together, guilt that you couldn't move through the challenges that this relationship had and make it work.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Fear that this is what life will feel like now, now and forever.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that fractured, lonely, uncertain, whatever it is for you, that'll feel like that forever.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Let me tell you, it won't.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: It won't feel like this forever, but that doesn't make it any less real or valid when you're feeling it right now.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's the grief, right?
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Grief for the version of life that you thought you'd have.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: These moments really strip everything back.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: These firsts are stark reminders, they shine a spotlight on your reality, your lived experience, on the reality of a separation and divorce in a way that you can't ignore and you can't think your way or intellectualize your way out of it.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: They make it real in your body, in your bones, in your soul, in your nervous system, right?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just a concept or a or a conversation, but they become a real lived experience, and that can feel really hard and really heavy and really sad.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: But here's what I want you to hear, here's what I want you to know.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: If you're feeling that, that heaviness, that sadness, that hollowness, that grief, whatever it is, around the firsts, it's not a sign that you're doing it wrong.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's probably a sign that you're doing it really, really right.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's a sign that you're human, that you're a big feeler, that you're processing stuff.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's a sign that you loved, that you hoped and you built something that really mattered, and it's a sign that that's shifted and that's changed.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, that can hurt, even if you chose it, even if you chose the separation and the divorce, it hurts, but it also means that you're still here, you're alive, you're living it, you're walking forward, you're moving through it, and even if right now it's just one breath, one moment, one first at a time, you are actually moving forward.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: The firsts feel so, so hard.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: They are like little landmines that you step on and they shake up everything you thought you were managing.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you think you're managing just fine, you're okay, and along comes a first and bang, it shakes it all up again.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Or one of the firsts will open up the cracks so you can actually feel it all, even if you don't want to.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: You feel it all without allowing you to minimize it or suppress it.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: The firsts have a way of doing that for us, and that can actually be a good thing.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: It feels hard, but it's a good thing.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Moving through some of the firsts is actually moving through to a more healed space.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just about missing the thing, right?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever the thing is, the birthday, the event, the the thing.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's about what that's about what that absence, that loss, what it represents.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's your uh lived routine, disrupted, it's your role, shifted, it's it's your story, the story you thought you'd have being rewritten.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: The firsts make you confront what's no longer there.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: And even if you chose to leave, even if you know it was the right move, the right decision for you, for your family, you're still allowed to feel that ache of what was, and the sadness of what you've lost.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: You might also feel when these firsts pop up, you might also feel the pressure to, you know, handle it well, do all the things right, tick all the boxes, be the winner at separation, divorce, to be strong, to not let it rattle you, because sometimes the firsts that hit hardest are really small, seemingly insignificant things.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: But honestly, I think it's really important to let these firsts rattle you a little, to let them be hard, to acknowledge them and allow them and allow yourself to move through them because letting them rattle you, letting them, letting yourself really experience them is actually how you move through them.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: And doing it all alone, we are not meant as humans to do hard stuff like this in isolation by ourselves.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: We heal in community, so build yours around you, reach out, let your people know that you're doing it hard, and that fierce independence.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: If you've been here for a while, you've probably heard me talk about this before.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: That fierce independence, that not wanting to burden anyone with your sadness, your grief, your challenge, that's a trauma response, and perhaps perhaps it's maladaptive, perhaps it's not actually serving you.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: I would encourage you, don't be afraid to reach out and surround yourself with community, with catches.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: As humans, we are not meant to do the hard stuff by ourselves.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: So, how?
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: How do we get through these firsts without coming completely undone, crashing in a heap, numbing out with alcohol or Netflix or whatever is your choice of numbing behavior without falling apart or becoming completely derailed?
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: How do we do it?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Let me offer you a framework that I use with my clients.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: It is about support and scaffold.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: So, first, support.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: This is about your emotional anchors, right?
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Who or what holds you steady?
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Who or what are your emotional anchors?
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: It might be your best friend on speed dial, it might be a therapist or a coach, and that's why this is one reason why I'm so high touch with my clients, why they can message me anytime they like and talk through or message through these firsts that are so destabilizing.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: So, so back to emotional anchors, who or what holds you steady?
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Best friend, therapist, coach, it could be your journal, your meditation practice, your breath work, your daily walk, time in nature, movement.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: It could be that you don't really want a deep connection, but you just want to hear somebody's voice.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: So it could be asking for somebody to drop a voice note, somebody who really gets it just to drop you a voice note when they know you're tackling one of the firsts.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: It could be music, art, creative rituals that help you to feel and release.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: So, what are whatever it is for you, look to support.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: What and who are your emotional anchors and ask yourself what do I need?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need emotionally to feel even five or ten percent more held in this?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: More held while I navigate this.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: The second step is scaffold, and this is your practical structure, this is your practical stuff.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need to build around yourself so the moment the thing, the first, doesn't open a chasm underneath you and swallow you up completely, swallow you whole.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Scaffolding can look like planning ahead so you're not left spinning.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: I encourage my clients to have a list, not a to-do list, but an options list, some things you might want to do, some ways you might want to spend your time.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: For example, if it's the first time your kids are away from you for the weekend, planning ahead, how might that time be best spent?
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: How might you like to choose to spend that time?
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: It might look like creating new traditions, even little tiny ones, when old ones sting a little bit or old ones feel a bit too tender.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: It might be giving yourself permission to not show up, to not show up everywhere or anywhere, to actually not engage and not show up.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: It might be choosing simple, really doable alternatives that nourish and support and hold you, like takeaway in a movie at home instead of going to that dinner party, whatever it is, right?
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: It could be asking for help with logistics, childcare, or just hanging out, time together, company, right?
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about fixing the day, the moment, the weekend, the thing.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's about holding yourself through it and also allowing yourself to be held.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: So with the scaffold part, ask yourself what can I put in place to feel a little more supported, a little less adrift, a little less alone, a little less destabilized through this thing, through this first.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it can be as small as making sure you've got your favourite teacup ready in the morning, or knowing that your best friend is going to give you a call at eight o'clock or whatever it is.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be a big grand gesture, it just has to be intentional and aligned and what you most need.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Don't expect someone else to know what you need, but try to put in place your support and your scaffold so that you can access what you need or you can receive what you need.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, it doesn't have to be perfect, you're not going to get it perfect all the time, right?
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: Some of the first will absolutely throw you off course, hurt like hell.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: And others might sneak up and creepily surprise you.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it can be the third, fourth, or tenth time that the thing happens when it hits you, and that can be that can be a bit of a shock too, right?
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: You've done it two, three, four, five times, and it's this random sixth time that it really hits you.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Don't be surprised if that happens.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Also, sometimes the build-up is actually worse than the actual moment, and that can be for yourself, also for your kids, right?
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: You're spending all the time helping, supporting, preparing your kids for this thing, this big first.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it is staying overnight with their other parent or going on a holiday, whatever it is.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: You're building them up, you're supporting them, and sometimes when you actually get to the thing, for you it's actually an exhale.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: You send them off, you do the thing, and you can just exhale, breathe out.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the build-up is worse than the actual moment.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: You think it's going to be unbearable, but then you get to it and you just get through it, and you look back and realize, I did that.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: I survived, I survived the day, the weekend, the event, the thing.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: You showed up for yourself, and that comes with being prepared, the support and the scaffold, right?
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe, maybe this time you didn't.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you did crawl under the bed covers, pull them over your head, and you stayed there until it was over and done and passed.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: But you allowed that to be okay.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: That is perfectly okay, acceptable to do if that is what feels most deeply nourishing, supportive for you.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: You can check out.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: This duality is pretty normal when you are facing or moving through the firsts.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you're allowed to say no thanks, skip the party, skip the dinner out with the girls, and be okay sitting at home with Pizza and Netflix.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is that you need, let that be okay.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: And if you think listening to this, thinking, oh my god, this is me right now, or this is going to make to be me next week, next month, just know that you're not alone.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: There are so many of us, so many others feeling this right now.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: So many of us who've walked through this ahead of you.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't, it might break your heart a little bit, but it doesn't break you.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: Reframe it.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: You're just walking through a new unfamiliar and sometimes unwanted season, right?
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: You're going one shaky step, one shaky first, moving shakily through it each first one at a time, um, but you are moving forward.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: And they do in some ways get easier.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they still hit, you know?
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes those significant moments and events still bring it up.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: Even for me, years down the track, right?
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: But from where I sit, where I stand, and from having coached so many through it, you get better at allowing it to be what it is and holding space for yourself and building your support and your scaffold so that it doesn't feel quite so tender.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're in the middle of a first or if one is coming up, I would invite you to pause and to ask yourself support and scaffold.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: What would support me emotionally, and how can I scaffold myself practically?
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to get it perfect, you don't have to get it right, there is no right way, there's only your way.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to do it like anyone else, you just have to do it in a way that really gently, honestly honors where you are at right now.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I I keep coming back to it.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: That yes, they're hard, they stay hard, but they don't stay this hard forever.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: You're doing better than you think.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: And if this is your lived experience right now, I'm sending all the love for all the firsts and the beautiful seconds that come, the beautiful second chances that follow them, the beautiful choices that you have to make changes for yourself and yes for your kids, and to consciously, intentionally create a different version of life, even if it was one, even if it is one that you uh never really actively chose, perhaps you never really wanted.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: There is still choice and agency in what's coming next for you.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: So here's to moving through the firsts, to them being more easeful, even if they still hurt, and to you consciously choosing and creating what comes next.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've got something out of this episode.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: And if you know someone who's sitting in the mess, who's sitting in the hard stuff, who's wondering whether to stay or go, or is navigating some of the firsts, please share this with them.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's the way we build community, that's the way we support and scaffold one another because we really do heal in community and we grow and expand into different versions of ourselves while we support one another together.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, thanks for being here.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get in the ears of a whole lot of other people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.