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When Your Teen Won’t Change… Start Here Instead · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective.
• 0:07
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important.
• 0:18
  Ben: Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:23
  Ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:34
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Hello everyone.
• 0:35
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Welcome back to the podcast, thank you for being here.
• 0:41
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I would venture to guess probably 90% of the people who listen to this podcast are moms.
• 0:47
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Which is fantastic because moms are actually my favorite people to work with, especially moms who have knucklehead teenagers.
• 0:56
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And when I say knucklehead teenagers, I mean that with all the love in the world.
• 1:00
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I have a special place in my heart for knucklehead, teens, mainly because I was one, I coach high school football, and that's like what high school football teams are made of.
• 1:11
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: If as you, we are here to help.
• 1:14
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I am Ben.
• 1:15
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: This is Corni, and today we are going to be talking about what can I do if my teenager is not willing to get coaching to get help, whatever that is.
• 1:29
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: What can you do as a parent?
• 1:32
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Now, the reason I want to do this.
• 1:36
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I recently have had a few parents book a free consultation with me for their teen.
• 1:44
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: It's always funny when the teen is good, natured enough and willing enough to show up, and I'm like, oh, hey, why do you think we're here?
• 1:50
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And they're like, I have no idea.
• 1:52
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: My mom just forced me to be here, and I kind of feel bad for them.
• 1:55
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: But if that's your teen, congrats, like that's awesome that you have a teen who is willing to show up even though they're not on board.
• 2:03
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Sometimes what happens though, I'll have a free consultation and the teenager isn't even willing to show up that day.
• 2:10
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I would like to talk to the moms out there if this happens to you.
• 2:13
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: That's okay.
• 2:14
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Just show up on the free consultation anyways, because I promise I can help you.
• 2:20
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And what we're going to talk about today is if your teen isn't willing to get any help.
• 2:25
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Not a life coach, not a therapist, not a mentor, nothing.
• 2:30
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: What can you still do?
• 2:32
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And the first thing I'd like to point out, this one sounds overly simplified, and I say it all the time, but it is seriously powerful.
• 2:42
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Find ways to be the change that you wish you could create in your teenager.
• 2:49
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Mm-hmm.
• 2:50
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Corni, have you ever been able to find a way to be the change that you wanna see in your teen?
• 2:56
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I think I've, I'm constantly working on it, but I think I've done it multiple times.
• 3:01
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: when I'm aware of it and I make a conscious choice to show up differently or how, show up as the parent that I wanna be, so yeah.
• 3:11
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Yes.
• 3:12
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I mean, when I first came to you, signed up my husband and my son.
• 3:18
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I didn't need help.
• 3:19
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: And my teenager, teenager was one of the ones that reluctantly showed up and he participated.
• 3:25
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: but at the end of the day, it was me that stuck around and worked with you, and it was me that was able to make the change that eventually.
• 3:34
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Helped change some things in my home, so yeah.
• 3:39
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Yeah.
• 3:39
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: One of the things that I.
• 3:41
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I feel like is one of my gifts.
• 3:43
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I can tell pretty quickly who the catalyst is in that family for creating change.
• 3:50
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And I'll give you a secret.
• 3:52
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: If you want the catalyst to be your teen, that probably means you yourself are the catalyst.
• 3:57
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Like if you want your husband to be the catalyst and be the one that changes and changes everything.
• 4:04
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: It's probably you.
• 4:06
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And the beauty of this, I have worked with enough mothers who wanted either their teen or their husband, and let's face it, your teen and your husband, they're probably operating on about the same mentality.
• 4:19
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Like it just, it's how we work, but the teen or the husband didn't want help.
• 4:24
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And the mom, when she is willing, like, you know what?
• 4:28
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I will try to be the change I wanna see in my teen that has the potential to spark massive change in your home.
• 4:38
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: So I'm curious, do you have any specific examples of you trying, like trying to be that change that you wish you could see in your teen?
• 4:48
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Oh, I wish you would've given me this before started.
• 4:50
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: So I think about it.
• 4:52
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I mean, just how I approach him with certain conversations or, I mean for this weekend was a struggle for me.
• 5:00
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: And I was reminded that regardless of how he shows up, I still need to show up as the parent that I want to be and still show up with love.
• 5:09
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: And sometimes I forget that.
• 5:11
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: And I feel like that goes hand in hand with being the change that you wanna see.
• 5:15
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Because when I don't show up with love and I show up with attitude.
• 5:21
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: It, it's never gonna be easy.
• 5:25
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: It's never gonna work out how I want it to.
• 5:28
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: But if I can still show up with love, then it kind of softens the edges and opens the door and allows him to be more reciprocal.
• 5:40
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Yeah.
• 5:41
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Yep, that makes sense.
• 5:43
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: One of the things I notice, I feel like my teens are pretty good mirrors for me.
• 5:49
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Like there are times that I wish my teen would take something more seriously, and that's an invitation for me to take things more seriously.
• 6:00
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: There are times where I want my teen to treat people in the family better.
• 6:05
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Mm-hmm.
• 6:05
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: nothing more than an invitation for me to be the change I wanna see, well, how can I treat people in the family better?
• 6:13
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And this will kind of connect to the second thing that we're gonna talk about.
• 6:19
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: So the first thing is really explore.
• 6:22
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: How can I be the change I wanna see.
• 6:24
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: The second thing is.
• 6:28
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Outside of control that you're trying to control and just control what your controllables are.
• 6:36
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And I believe when you.
• 6:38
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Get into that mentality and you start questioning, how can I be the change that I want to see?
• 6:43
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: That empowers you to be able to control the things that are within your control.
• 6:50
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Because before you even have that awareness, before you get to the point of questioning like, well, how can I be the change?
• 6:58
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: You are pretty stuck in that mindset that, no, it's, it's not me.
• 7:01
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: That's the problem.
• 7:02
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: It's my teenager or my spouse.
• 7:05
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And when you can get outta that and you can realize, dang, there are things that I can change about me, I can be the change that empowers you to take your parenting to the next level, and you can start letting go of the things outside of your control and better control the few things within your control.
• 7:26
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Yes, agreed.
• 7:32
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: You are welcome.
• 7:34
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Well, thank you.
• 7:35
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Let's talk about the t chart of control.
• 7:39
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: 'cause I believe that's one of my go-to tools when it comes to letting go of things outside of your control and embracing the few things within your control.
• 7:48
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Have you actually ever written out a t chart of control and like filled it in?
• 7:54
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I.
• 7:57
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Yeah, that's one of those concepts.
• 7:59
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: It's powerful to write it out, but it's also so simple like you can just start rattling off a list of all the things outside of your control and typically mentally let go of that, and then kind of come up with a list of things within your control, out of curiosity.
• 8:19
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: How long do you think your list could potentially be of things outside of your control?
• 8:25
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Oh my gosh.
• 8:26
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: There are so many things
• 8:29
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I.
• 8:31
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Yeah, that's the power of this whole thing.
• 8:35
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Like there are lists half a mile long and parents are losing their freaking minds and they are miserable because they're trying to control that list that's half a mile long of things outside of their control.
• 8:48
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Mm-hmm.
• 8:48
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Now let's compare that to.
• 8:51
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I like to put things on specific sides.
• 8:53
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: The left hand side of my t chart of control, that's the side I can control.
• 8:58
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: The right hand side, those are the things I cannot control.
• 9:01
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: If your cannot control side is half a mile long, how long do you think your I can control this side will be?
• 9:10
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I'd say no more than 10 lines,
• 9:13
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Yeah.
• 9:14
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: lucky.
• 9:15
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Yeah, it'll be pretty short.
• 9:17
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And remember in math when you would like have to like reduce fractions down to like their, you can't reduce it anymore.
• 9:25
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I think even if you're at 10, you can always reduce it down to about three,
• 9:31
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Mm-hmm.
• 9:32
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: how I think, how I feel, and how I behave.
• 9:37
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Mm-hmm.
• 9:38
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: That's real powerful
• 9:40
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Mm-hmm.
• 9:41
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: a lot of parents that I talk to are super overwhelmed.
• 9:45
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: A lot of teens that I work with are overwhelmed, and when we can identify out of all the things that you're overwhelmed with, what can you control, what can you not control?
• 9:56
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: All of a sudden you go from being overwhelmed and stuck into being confident, like, oh, I can do like the one or two things that's doable and it gives you purpose and direction.
• 10:09
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Anything you wanna add to letting go of things outside of your control.
• 10:14
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I think it's a huge tool, not just in parenting, but in life and dealing with people.
• 10:22
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I mean, I have moments where I'm super overwhelmed.
• 10:26
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I have girlfriends that are like, how does that not bother you?
• 10:29
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Like, why are you not mad?
• 10:30
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Like, I can't control that.
• 10:32
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I'm not gonna stress out about that.
• 10:34
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Like I don't have the energy to waste on that.
• 10:36
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Yeah.
• 10:36
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: So not just dealing with teenagers, but in, in life in general.
• 10:41
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I think we take on so much more that is unnecessary and then we get ourselves worked up.
• 10:47
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Yeah.
• 10:48
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Do you know how long I've been teaching the T-chart of control?
• 10:52
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I mean.
• 10:55
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I'd say maybe 25.
• 10:57
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Oh, dang.
• 10:58
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I was gonna say probably like five.
• 11:00
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I got into the life coaching thing in 2018, started my own coaching thing.
• 11:06
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Well.
• 11:07
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Kind of got good at coaching in 2000 or 2000, 2020 anyways, you'd think after all this time that I would be good at it.
• 11:20
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: When I go to basketball games, that is where it is really easy for me to slip into what I call the victim mentality,
• 11:29
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Mm-hmm.
• 11:30
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: you'll know you're in the victim mentality if you are focusing on things outside of your control.
• 11:35
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: If you are blaming, complaining, making excuses, criticizing, man, when I go to a basketball game, first of all, I'm a football coach.
• 11:45
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I feel like refs have way less interaction with the game in football than they do in basketball, and it just irritates me when refs manipulate a game and they change the outcome and I get stuck in the freaking victim mentality.
• 12:03
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I can't control the ref.
• 12:04
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And I'm sitting here blaming the sucky ref.
• 12:07
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Or I'm complaining or I'm criticizing.
• 12:10
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: This is not a skill that you will just.
• 12:13
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Magically be perfect in when you'll understand it.
• 12:16
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: There will be areas of your life where this will come really easy.
• 12:21
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Parenting your teen might not be one of those.
• 12:23
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: You might have to revisit this over and over and over.
• 12:27
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: By the way, this year, I have a goal that I don't yell at refs.
• 12:32
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I don't yell out of anger.
• 12:34
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I cheer on my team.
• 12:36
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I'm about 90%, but man, I still, this is a slippery slope.
• 12:41
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I feel like have involuntary like movements and sounds, things that I, I don't even mean as happens
• 12:51
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Yeah,
• 12:52
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: at.
• 12:55
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: my problem is the hard part is as a football coach.
• 13:00
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: As the head coach of our freshman team, when I coach the freshman game, it is my job to interact with the refs and I believe that I am pretty darn good at interacting with the refs like I can go.
• 13:17
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Give them an earful.
• 13:18
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Still be respectful.
• 13:20
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Mm-hmm.
• 13:21
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Secret to that is just don't swear at them.
• 13:23
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: They will kick you out if you swear at'em.
• 13:25
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I don't typically swear so I can usually get after'em pretty darn good anyways.
• 13:30
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: The problem is right after football season, we have basketball season and I'm in like, Hey, I'm a part of this team too.
• 13:37
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I should get to talk to the ref.
• 13:38
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And I have to remind myself, no, that is not my role here.
• 13:42
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And the funny thing is by choosing not to yell at the refs, I don't cheer for my team either because I haven't figured out the balance of how can I.
• 13:53
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Not yell at the refs and still yell for my team.
• 13:58
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I'm figuring that out.
• 13:59
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I'll like vocally cheer and I know all the kids, I've coached them in the past and I'll yell out like, Hey, good defense.
• 14:05
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Nice hustle.
• 14:07
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I am having to learn the skill.
• 14:09
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: How do I cheer for my teen without yelling at the ref?
• 14:12
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And that's just the process of really identifying what can I control, what can I not control?
• 14:18
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And letting go of what I can't control so that I can show up and be the type of fan or the type of dad that I want to be at the games.
• 14:28
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: So quick reminder, the reason we're talking about this, if you have a teenager who is not willing to get coaching, to not get help, he's not willing to get any support, that's okay because we're telling you a little cheat code on how to improve your life anyways, and step one.
• 14:49
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Be the change you want to see in your teen.
• 14:52
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And step two, let go of the things outside of your control and put that energy back into the few things that you can control.
• 15:01
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Now, let's talk about the third one.
• 15:04
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Each of these could be its own podcast, so we won't get too deep into this.
• 15:09
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: But the third one is one of my favorites, and it is connect with your teen right where they are.
• 15:16
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Mm-hmm.
• 15:16
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: of where you wish they were,
• 15:19
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Mm-hmm.
• 15:19
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: and this is a really hard one for parents and they don't really understand what's going on.
• 15:24
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: But let's say you have a teen that is really struggling in school.
• 15:29
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: They don't care about school.
• 15:31
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: They think it's a waste of time.
• 15:33
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: They're not alone.
• 15:33
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I probably agree with your teen, but anyways, they don't take school as seriously as you wish they would.
• 15:41
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Every time you harp on your teen to get better grades, every time you compare your teen who doesn't do homework to the version of themselves that does do homework or their sibling that used to do homework, you are trying to connect with a version of your teenager that does not exist.
• 16:01
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And what that does is it disconnects you from your teen as they are
• 16:07
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Mm-hmm.
• 16:08
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Corni.
• 16:09
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Anything you want to add to that?
• 16:11
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I just am listening in awe.
• 16:12
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: It's just having someone, when you don't connect with your teen where they are to them, it has to feel like.
• 16:19
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: There's something wrong with them or you're, you know, I wouldn't wanna connect with someone that felt that everything I did was wrong or it, it just, it wouldn't invite connection
• 16:31
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Yeah,
• 16:31
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: as an adult or a teenager.
• 16:33
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: yeah.
• 16:34
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: That brings up a good point.
• 16:35
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Like one of the things I ask parents to do, I'm like, think of someone who actively tries to change you.
• 16:43
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: They're constantly criticizing you.
• 16:45
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: They're comparing you to what you could have done better.
• 16:48
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Do you like to be around them?
• 16:50
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: No.
• 16:51
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: it's the mother-in-law.
• 16:52
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I don't know why, but they're like, oh, my mother-in-law, she, my mother-in-law's great.
• 16:57
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I got lucky.
• 16:58
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: But I hear about mother-in-laws all the time.
• 17:01
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: The same is true for your teen.
• 17:03
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: They don't like it when people try and change in.
• 17:05
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And true to what Corni said, the thing that they subconsciously hear is, I'm not good enough.
• 17:12
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And there's something even deeper at play here.
• 17:16
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: This is kind of a bonus.
• 17:17
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I didn't plan to talk about this.
• 17:19
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I am very intentional with how I speak to my children.
• 17:23
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And even at football, I am very intentional with how I speak to my football players as a huge authority in the lives of these teens.
• 17:36
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I am training them for how to speak to themselves and if I am constantly critical, if I am constantly.
• 17:45
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Dragging them down or comparing them against who I think they should be, that will become their inner voice and their inner dialogue.
• 17:55
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And I think most parents can speak from experience of the pain in the butt that it at is to have a really critical inner dialogue.
• 18:05
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Corni, do you ever have a critical inner dialogue?
• 18:08
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Sure.
• 18:09
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Yeah, my critical inner voice will be like, Ben, what is wrong with you?
• 18:15
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Mm-hmm.
• 18:15
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: is a really negative question to ask yourself.
• 18:20
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: 'cause your mind is like Google.
• 18:21
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: If you ask Google, Hey, what's wrong with the world today?
• 18:25
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: It is gonna tell you everything that's wrong with the world today.
• 18:29
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Oh, look at this.
• 18:29
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Look at this.
• 18:30
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Look at this.
• 18:30
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Look at this.
• 18:31
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: If you ask Google what is awesome about the world today?
• 18:35
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: It'll be like, oh, well dang.
• 18:36
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Have you ever tried ai?
• 18:37
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: That's pretty amazing.
• 18:38
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: what about our ability to communicate with people across the world?
• 18:44
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: In seconds?
• 18:45
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: The questions you ask and the way that you train your teen to speak to themselves will determine the input that they get or the results that they get.
• 18:57
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Mm-hmm.
• 18:58
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: ahead, Corni, I think you wanted to say something.
• 19:01
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: No, I forgot.
• 19:02
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I'm honestly just absorbing, like it was a, it was a rough weekend for me.
• 19:07
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I felt myself falling into the victim mentality and not showing up as a parent that I wanted to.
• 19:13
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: And you just said rather than say what's wrong with me, I was thinking, I, and I did think this after a certain amount of time of being a victim, but I was like, what can I do to.
• 19:29
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Make a change, like to be different, to get better results.
• 19:32
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I tried to ask myself a different question rather than being like, well, it's, it's a reflection of me.
• 19:39
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I'm wondering like if my teen, the way he interact with me, it has to do with me.
• 19:45
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I'm trying to explore what I can do to yield the results that I want.
• 19:54
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: But I feel like I fall back into old behavior and in while, and so done a lot of self reflecting, so I needed this.
• 20:08
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Yeah, and talking to you as your coach.
• 20:11
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I can tell you the thing that I'm seeing that kind of puts you on that slippery slope and pushes you down when you focus on things outside of your control, like how your teen treats you.
• 20:23
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: That's, they're pretty slope.
• 20:25
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I can see the value in like having a standard and how you want your teen to treat you,
• 20:31
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Mm-hmm.
• 20:32
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: but you cannot be attached to that because your teen may never treat you that way.
• 20:39
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And the real work is, man, if my treat teen is a complete butthole, how can I be who I want to be?
• 20:47
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And the crazy thing is.
• 20:48
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: When you create that change and when you attack that from the inside out working on you,
• 20:55
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Yeah.
• 20:55
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: that is when you are more likely to experience the change you want to see.
• 21:00
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: But you gotta let go of it first.
• 21:02
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Yeah.
• 21:03
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: This is a wonderful coaching call.
• 21:04
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I hope everyone enjoyed it.
• 21:08
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Yeah.
• 21:09
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: you're absolutely right, because I, I do have this expectation, like I see how my, some of my friends.
• 21:15
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I'm like, oh my gosh.
• 21:16
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Like, what a gentleman like, ugh.
• 21:19
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: And then I, yeah, I need to let go of that and remind myself, regardless of how he shows up, I can show up with love and how I wanna be.
• 21:30
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: That's, that's the only way I will get any sort of change from him.
• 21:36
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I.
• 21:37
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: And keep in mind, we're not advocating that you just let your teen walk all over you.
• 21:43
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Like there can still definitely be consequences,
• 21:46
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Yeah.
• 21:47
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: but at the same time, you don't react and treat your teen differently because of how they treated you.
• 21:55
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: You still do the work to know who you want to be and show up in alignment with that.
• 22:01
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Yes, absolutely.
• 22:02
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Yeah.
• 22:03
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Awesome.
• 22:04
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Corni, you have a special way of just leveling up these podcasts, so thank you.
• 22:12
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Just tell you my sad stories.
• 22:14
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Yeah, I, I,
• 22:16
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: my bad.
• 22:17
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I think they're exciting, happy stories.
• 22:19
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Here's the thing, pretty good chances.
• 22:23
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I know your teen, he's a handsome dude at some point in his life.
• 22:27
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: He's gonna find a girl that falls in love with him.
• 22:30
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: They're gonna have kids, and eventually he's gonna have teenagers.
• 22:36
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: He's gonna have multiple different frames of reference for how to handle teens, and you are giving him a really positive, empowered frame of reference that he can choose to adopt when he gets to that point.
• 22:53
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I hate to say it, but teens typical.
• 22:55
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I didn't fully appreciate my parents UN until I had teenagers and I was like, holy cow,
• 23:01
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Yeah.
• 23:01
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: this is what you guys had to go through.
• 23:04
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Yeah.
• 23:05
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: So.
• 23:05
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: And he's not a bad kid at all.
• 23:07
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Like he doesn't.
• 23:09
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Mistreat me.
• 23:09
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Like he's, I have to remind myself like, it could be so much worse.
• 23:15
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Like I just have to put things, perspective.
• 23:17
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: The things that I'm fussing about really are small.
• 23:21
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Yeah,
• 23:21
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: I just need regardless, you know?
• 23:25
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: yeah, yeah.
• 23:27
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: I hear you.
• 23:28
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Well, Corni, thank you for being on the podcast with me
• 23:32
  _1_02-02-2026_140736: Yeah.
• 23:34
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: and all of you guys listening.
• 23:36
  ben_6_02-02-2026_130735: Thank you for being here, and we'll see you again next week.