Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 422. Thriving Solo & Choosing Yourself First. (Headnoise)

Transcript

422. Thriving Solo & Choosing Yourself First. (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:13
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful people, and welcome to your head Noise episode
0:16
Speaker 1: of the week. So we are going to go through
0:19
Speaker 1: more voice mails that you guys have sent in, so honestly,
0:25
Speaker 1: no major life update. All is well, life is good.
0:28
Speaker 1: We're going to get straight into it because I want
0:30
Speaker 1: to get through four in this episode. Let's begin. I
0:34
Speaker 1: don't have titles for these like the emails, but maybe
0:38
Speaker 1: if you send in a voice mail and you've got
0:40
Speaker 1: a really creative title like yell at the title at
0:42
Speaker 1: the start of the voicemail. Anyway, let's go.
0:46
Speaker 2: Hi, my nay, It's Chelsey. Firstly, I just wanted to
0:49
Speaker 2: see a massive congratulations to entyro own and a massive
0:53
Speaker 2: thank you to you for everything you've done for me
0:56
Speaker 2: and for so many other people out there. You are
0:59
Speaker 2: truly amazing, so thank you so much. I am twenty
1:04
Speaker 2: nine years old and I'm just kind of wanting to
1:06
Speaker 2: seek some advice regarding settling down and wanting to find
1:11
Speaker 2: a relationship. I've had relationships in the past, but unfortunately
1:15
Speaker 2: I haven't worked out. And I am definitely ready to
1:21
Speaker 2: find that person for me and settle down and be
1:24
Speaker 2: in love and have all of the fun things that
1:27
Speaker 2: that brings. Come my way. But I'm trying to find
1:31
Speaker 2: that happy medium of not obsessing over and being on
1:36
Speaker 2: hinge and bumble every single night and actively seeking it
1:41
Speaker 2: and pushing it away and wanting something so bad that
1:43
Speaker 2: it's just getting pushed away, but also searching for what
1:49
Speaker 2: I want. I can't find that happy medium. Do I
1:53
Speaker 2: just stop and let things happen the way it is?
1:56
Speaker 2: Do I need to set boundaries with the data apps.
2:00
Speaker 2: I'm just trying to figure out what the best way
2:05
Speaker 2: is because I'm tired. I'm very, very tired of looking
2:09
Speaker 2: and waiting, and I just, you know, thank you so much.
2:14
Speaker 1: Thanks amazing question. I think there's so many people in
2:18
Speaker 1: your position, so I think they're going to be very
2:20
Speaker 1: grateful that you sent this through. So thank you. Okay,
2:24
Speaker 1: let's let's talk about where your head is at, because
2:28
Speaker 1: I think it's really really good that you can be
2:31
Speaker 1: in a position where you can genuinely acknowledge that you
2:34
Speaker 1: are ready to have this in your life. I think
2:37
Speaker 1: that's really nice, because there's nothing worse than wanting something
2:41
Speaker 1: but pretending you're all good and not wanting it and
2:43
Speaker 1: having kind of like that push pull in your own head.
2:46
Speaker 1: So this is really good. You're saying, I want to
2:49
Speaker 1: welcome a loving relationship. I want to find my person,
2:52
Speaker 1: I want to have you know this, this bond that
2:54
Speaker 1: you know this this partner in my life and we
2:57
Speaker 1: do things. So you start focusing on all the good
2:59
Speaker 1: things that it's good, all of that how you started
3:02
Speaker 1: it perfect. What you don't want to feel, and this
3:07
Speaker 1: is where we get trapped and where it's kind of hard.
3:10
Speaker 1: It's just not an easy thing to kind of snap
3:12
Speaker 1: out of. But what you don't want to feel is
3:15
Speaker 1: that you are lacking, that you are not enough until
3:19
Speaker 1: you know. I think it's perfectly fine to say I
3:23
Speaker 1: will really want this in my life. This is something
3:25
Speaker 1: that I'm going to work towards, and I want it,
3:27
Speaker 1: and I'm going to work towards having the healthiest possible relationship.
3:30
Speaker 1: But make sure that you're not pushing the narrative of
3:34
Speaker 1: I'm not going to feel fully happy until or I'm
3:36
Speaker 1: not going to feel like I can proceed with these
3:38
Speaker 1: certain things in my life until I find my partner,
3:41
Speaker 1: or I feel like I'm left out at events because
3:43
Speaker 1: I don't have a partner, or I hate being the
3:45
Speaker 1: third will like really pay attention to what it is
3:48
Speaker 1: that you're saying about your current life situation, Because while
3:51
Speaker 1: you are in this single phase of your life, there's
3:53
Speaker 1: a lot of great, great things that can be done
3:57
Speaker 1: as far as your relationship with yourself, as far as
3:59
Speaker 1: your experiences that you have. I want you to look
4:01
Speaker 1: at this time as this really special time that you
4:06
Speaker 1: have with yourself that might be very short lived. Okay,
4:09
Speaker 1: you want to look at your single time, especially if
4:11
Speaker 1: you're like, no, I want to find I'm not here
4:13
Speaker 1: to fuck around and play around with multiple people. I
4:16
Speaker 1: want to find my person. That could be tomorrow, that
4:20
Speaker 1: could be in six months, or it could be in
4:22
Speaker 1: twelve months. And you might be thinking, oh my god,
4:24
Speaker 1: I have twelve months. That's such a long time. But
4:26
Speaker 1: if you found your person forever for the rest of
4:29
Speaker 1: your life in twelve months time, that means you've only
4:31
Speaker 1: got one year left ever. Right. If this ends up
4:35
Speaker 1: being successful and you have a successful marriage and you
4:37
Speaker 1: love each other and you treat each other well until
4:39
Speaker 1: the end of time, that means you only have twelve
4:41
Speaker 1: months ever again where you are just living on your
4:44
Speaker 1: own terms, being completely independent, never having like it's that
4:48
Speaker 1: single life. I want you to milk it so hard
4:53
Speaker 1: that you that a part of you happily mourns it
4:57
Speaker 1: once you get into a relationship. That's how good you
4:59
Speaker 1: want this time your life to be. And I'm not
5:01
Speaker 1: talking about single life as in shagging everyone left, right
5:04
Speaker 1: and center that you see, Like when I was single,
5:06
Speaker 1: I did not sleep around that much at all, but
5:10
Speaker 1: I really loved like the intensity of the independence, Like
5:14
Speaker 1: I'm going to book a ticket to go to either
5:16
Speaker 1: at interstate or overseas tonight. I don't have to consult
5:20
Speaker 1: with a soul. I'm like there were times where I'd
5:23
Speaker 1: be somewhere and be like, technically, no one knows where
5:25
Speaker 1: I am right now, and I love that field. It
5:27
Speaker 1: was like this crazy level of independence. And I lived
5:30
Speaker 1: alone on top of that, and I remember thinking, I
5:35
Speaker 1: want this to be so good that when the not
5:38
Speaker 1: only not only when the right person comes into my life,
5:41
Speaker 1: they are gonna be the right person, because I'm willing
5:43
Speaker 1: to give up this epic life that I've built for
5:46
Speaker 1: myself for this partnership, right, but it's going to be
5:50
Speaker 1: so good that even when I'm in this great partnership,
5:52
Speaker 1: I can still look back and kind of mourn like,
5:55
Speaker 1: oh I missed it. I love it, but I'm happy.
5:58
Speaker 1: But I'm so happy and fulfilled where I am that
6:00
Speaker 1: I don't need to go back to that. I've had it,
6:02
Speaker 1: I've milked it. I didn't take it for granted. I
6:05
Speaker 1: didn't wish it away. Because when you're a lot older,
6:10
Speaker 1: or when you if you choose to have a family,
6:13
Speaker 1: you're going to think, I really hope I didn't wish
6:15
Speaker 1: those that time away, because that is so special and unique.
6:19
Speaker 1: This time before you have a partner and build a
6:22
Speaker 1: family and have all these major responsibilities. This is a
6:25
Speaker 1: very very, very unique time. And it feels like time
6:28
Speaker 1: is ticking away and that you're getting old, but you're
6:30
Speaker 1: actually not, and so you want like you're young. So
6:33
Speaker 1: you want to look back in ten, twenty thirty forty
6:36
Speaker 1: years time and be like, fuck, yes, I really did
6:40
Speaker 1: myself a solid and I milked that time. You're also
6:44
Speaker 1: going to find that when you do that, when you
6:46
Speaker 1: change your attitude to do that, you're going to use
6:49
Speaker 1: the apps in a much more pleasant way. Your question
6:52
Speaker 1: of should I set boundaries with the apps, Absolutely I
6:55
Speaker 1: would set a time limit, a daily time limit on
6:58
Speaker 1: the apps, even if that means that I don't get
6:59
Speaker 1: to re applied to everyone that message, right, that doesn't matter.
7:02
Speaker 1: My priority is me at this point. It's getting my
7:05
Speaker 1: head exactly where I want it to be. It's getting
7:08
Speaker 1: my level of life satisfaction exactly where I want it
7:10
Speaker 1: to be. You'll probably end up meeting someone sooner than
7:14
Speaker 1: you thought because of the energy that you're putting out right.
7:17
Speaker 1: It just often happens that way. The more we are
7:22
Speaker 1: so satisfied with how we've built our life, people then
7:26
Speaker 1: are magnetized to that energy. No one is more magnetic
7:30
Speaker 1: than someone who has a deep level of satisfaction within
7:33
Speaker 1: their own life. No one is more magnetic. They're the
7:36
Speaker 1: people that are so comfortable in their own skins, happy
7:38
Speaker 1: with the trajectory of their life, happy with the process
7:40
Speaker 1: and their progress that they're making. Those people are like,
7:43
Speaker 1: oh my god, I want to be your friend, I
7:45
Speaker 1: want to date you, I want to get to know
7:46
Speaker 1: You're not Ah, You're magnetic. It's a beautiful energy and
7:49
Speaker 1: that's what you're building. So not only are you saying
7:52
Speaker 1: I'm going to put the feelers out there by being
7:53
Speaker 1: on the aarms, but I'm also I've got this fucking
7:56
Speaker 1: energy now because it's not a need, it's exactly exactly
8:00
Speaker 1: what you were talking about. I've gone from this. I'm
8:03
Speaker 1: feeling a bit like it's a desperation that I want
8:05
Speaker 1: it so bad that I'm pushing it away, which is true.
8:07
Speaker 1: That's one hundred percent what's happening. And not just with relationships.
8:10
Speaker 1: This happens with jobs. It happens with things that we
8:12
Speaker 1: want in our life, anything we want. If we want
8:15
Speaker 1: it so bad that it highlights a feeling of lack,
8:18
Speaker 1: then it goes from a desire to a desperation because
8:21
Speaker 1: I'm focusing on lack. I don't have it, I need it.
8:23
Speaker 1: I bet I don't have it versus this is such
8:27
Speaker 1: a fucking good life that I have, and it would
8:28
Speaker 1: be nice if I had this other thing. But I've
8:31
Speaker 1: got all this other shit that's going really well for me,
8:33
Speaker 1: and I'm appreciative and I'm loving it. I'm working on
8:35
Speaker 1: the things that are working and the things that aren't working.
8:37
Speaker 1: It's fine. Everything changes, Okay, So yes, put a time
8:41
Speaker 1: limit on how much you're going to spend on the apps.
8:44
Speaker 1: Don't use the apps as the last thing you do
8:46
Speaker 1: before you go to bed, either, because that's going to
8:49
Speaker 1: consume your awareness. Don't be the first thing that you
8:53
Speaker 1: check when you wake up in the morning, just like
8:54
Speaker 1: social media. Don't do it to yourself. You're more important.
8:57
Speaker 1: You are the priority. If you check your apps you
9:00
Speaker 1: get out of bed, you're saying to yourself, this is
9:03
Speaker 1: the most important thing in my life. This is the
9:04
Speaker 1: number one thing in my life. Whereas if you get up,
9:07
Speaker 1: do your routine, get outside, move, see your friends, then
9:10
Speaker 1: you're saying to yourself, this is my priority. Okay, my
9:13
Speaker 1: priority is my health, my fucking mind. Right, So I
9:18
Speaker 1: want you to look at the apps. Maybe let's say
9:21
Speaker 1: you shut off the app two hours before you're going
9:22
Speaker 1: to sleep, one hour before you go to sleep. You're
9:25
Speaker 1: therefore on the app for thirty minutes or however long.
9:28
Speaker 1: I don't know how long. How long do you normally
9:30
Speaker 1: use the app and minimize it a little bit or
9:32
Speaker 1: cut it in half, I don't know. And then in
9:34
Speaker 1: the mornings, I'm only going to check the app once
9:36
Speaker 1: I've done my routine. I've done my thing. It's all
9:38
Speaker 1: about me. I feel good that by the time you
9:40
Speaker 1: check the app, it's not this addictive, like, oh my god,
9:42
Speaker 1: I have to check it up to reply to these people.
9:44
Speaker 1: It's more like I'm on here because I choose to
9:45
Speaker 1: be on here, and I'm going to use it the
9:47
Speaker 1: way I want to use it. When you start to
9:50
Speaker 1: use the app and not let it use you, it
9:52
Speaker 1: becomes a much more pleasant experience. When you're using that app.
9:56
Speaker 1: It becomes like a choice and not like, oh, it's
9:58
Speaker 1: my only option. It's like, I'm choosing to utilize this.
10:02
Speaker 1: I'm getting what I want to get out of it,
10:05
Speaker 1: and I'm leaving what I don't want to get out
10:07
Speaker 1: of it. Okay, So that would be my overall advice.
10:11
Speaker 1: So it's a bit of working on yourself while still
10:13
Speaker 1: definitely welcome in and allowing something good. It's turning your
10:16
Speaker 1: energy into desperation into being more of a magnet, and
10:20
Speaker 1: it is being very stingy with how you choose to
10:24
Speaker 1: use the app so it works in your favor and
10:26
Speaker 1: so you feel like you're the one in power instead
10:29
Speaker 1: of feeling like a little porn in the game. Hopefully
10:32
Speaker 1: that helps. But great, great question.
10:35
Speaker 3: Next, Hey, alexis love the podcast. You've literally saved my life.
10:44
Speaker 3: Thank you so much for everything that you do. Okay,
10:46
Speaker 3: here's my bringing question. I am finding I'm having a
10:50
Speaker 3: hard time with friends and family, when it comes to
10:55
Speaker 3: calling them out, I think that some people it really
11:00
Speaker 3: offended when I'm direct or I call them out, And
11:06
Speaker 3: I guess my question is when is it okay? And
11:09
Speaker 3: when is it not okay?
11:11
Speaker 4: Like I can't tell if these people like they're just
11:16
Speaker 4: not my people, if they can't be held accountable, or
11:23
Speaker 4: if it's me and it's not what I.
11:24
Speaker 3: Say but how I say it. And as some like
11:27
Speaker 3: I really admire how direct you are on your podcast,
11:31
Speaker 3: and I've heard, like, you know, interviews you've done with
11:35
Speaker 3: your friends, and I just love how you guys can
11:37
Speaker 3: be so honest with each other. And I guess I'm
11:39
Speaker 3: looking for some guidance when it comes to communicating love you, thank.
11:43
Speaker 5: You, babe.
11:44
Speaker 1: Amazing, amazing, amazing, question amazing, because we all want to
11:48
Speaker 1: have the ability to be direct and honest and feel
11:51
Speaker 1: like our friends can be the same with us and
11:52
Speaker 1: the people around us can be the same with us.
11:54
Speaker 1: So when it comes to being direct, I think you
11:57
Speaker 1: also have to kind of pick your battles. You don't
12:00
Speaker 1: want to be that friend that is pulling your friends
12:03
Speaker 1: up on every fucking thing, because then you then it
12:06
Speaker 1: goes from like my direct friend, who can call me
12:08
Speaker 1: out when need be to someone who is nagging me,
12:11
Speaker 1: and I can't just you know, sometimes you just want
12:13
Speaker 1: to say the toxic thing or you want to do
12:15
Speaker 1: the slightly unhealthy thing and you but you don't want
12:17
Speaker 1: your friend being like, I'm the fucking police officer and
12:20
Speaker 1: I'm going to fuck it, you know. So it is
12:22
Speaker 1: that fine line of I'm going to pick my battles
12:25
Speaker 1: and I will call my friends out, but I don't
12:28
Speaker 1: have to call them out on everything, like if they
12:30
Speaker 1: do certain behaviors, I don't have to be like the
12:32
Speaker 1: righteous one being like, oh, well, you fucking know. There's
12:35
Speaker 1: a difference between calling someone out, like let's say your
12:40
Speaker 1: friend there's a pattern of behavior and they start complaining
12:45
Speaker 1: about something. That's a good time to call someone out
12:49
Speaker 1: because you're like, you've identified something that's not working for you.
12:52
Speaker 1: Here's my you know, I can I can reflect back
12:55
Speaker 1: to you something that I've discovered about your behavior, and
12:58
Speaker 1: I think that might actually help you. You always do
13:01
Speaker 1: x y z and then every time you do x yzed,
13:03
Speaker 1: this ends up being the result. So that's the perfect
13:05
Speaker 1: time to call someone out because they're highlighting something that's
13:07
Speaker 1: not working for them. They're highlighting a pattern, and then
13:11
Speaker 1: you're like, this is why it's a fucking pattern, babe.
13:14
Speaker 1: Versus if someone's doing something like, oh, you know, I'm
13:19
Speaker 1: gonna put up this first trap because so and so whatever,
13:23
Speaker 1: you don't have to be like, well, Alexis said that
13:26
Speaker 1: putting up it. You could be like, babe, by fucking
13:29
Speaker 1: support you know what you're going through a hard time,
13:30
Speaker 1: It's fine whatever. You know, like, sometimes you just got
13:34
Speaker 1: to let people do certain things. Another time that it's
13:36
Speaker 1: good to call people out if it directly impacts you.
13:39
Speaker 1: So if someone said something that's rude or dismissive or disrespectful,
13:44
Speaker 1: then one hundred percent you're in your right to call
13:46
Speaker 1: it out as often as you want. I think that's
13:49
Speaker 1: fair for anyone, and vice versa. You should feel that
13:52
Speaker 1: your friends are comfortable calling you out if you've done
13:54
Speaker 1: something wrong, But more so, if we're talking about people's
13:57
Speaker 1: behavior in general, you want the callouts to be timed
14:03
Speaker 1: so well that your friends are like, yeah, fuck, that's
14:07
Speaker 1: so true. You don't want your friends to be rolling
14:10
Speaker 1: their eyes being like here we fucking go again, right,
14:14
Speaker 1: because I can be playful with mine. And also, this
14:17
Speaker 1: is another thing pick the time that you call someone out. So,
14:21
Speaker 1: for example, certain times I've so badly wanted to call
14:26
Speaker 1: my friends out on something, but I'm also very aware
14:30
Speaker 1: of their personality their behavior, and sometimes the moment of
14:34
Speaker 1: their action is not necessarily the time to call them out,
14:38
Speaker 1: because maybe we're going out as a group together, maybe
14:41
Speaker 1: that person is having a really hard time and they're
14:44
Speaker 1: just lashing out because they've had an awful week, and
14:47
Speaker 1: me being like, I'm gonna call you out because right
14:50
Speaker 1: is almost like they're feeling a little bit attacked. It's
14:52
Speaker 1: a bit too like too confronting for them. So then
14:55
Speaker 1: I'll leave it. But then later on, it could even
14:58
Speaker 1: be ages later, I might be like, yeah, like that
15:01
Speaker 1: time that you said these things and we know that
15:04
Speaker 1: you're going through a hard time and whatever, and because
15:06
Speaker 1: I've called them out but gently, they'll be like, oh
15:09
Speaker 1: my god, did I behave that way? Oh my god?
15:10
Speaker 1: And we're like yeah, but we all understood. But you
15:12
Speaker 1: will come from because you were having a really bad time,
15:14
Speaker 1: so you know what I mean. So if you can
15:16
Speaker 1: have grace with when you call people out, you're honest,
15:19
Speaker 1: but you're not brutal. You're not calling them out twenty
15:22
Speaker 1: or seven. You're understanding when someone's had a bad day
15:25
Speaker 1: and you're making your decision, is this the appropriate time
15:28
Speaker 1: to call them out when they're when they're teetering on
15:30
Speaker 1: the edge of sanity because they just need a little
15:32
Speaker 1: bit of patience from us, you know, that's what makes
15:36
Speaker 1: for a good friendship. It's like, I'll call you out
15:38
Speaker 1: when necessary, but I also want you to have fun.
15:42
Speaker 1: I want you to be able to do those like
15:43
Speaker 1: playful things that might not be the most healthy decision
15:46
Speaker 1: right now. I want you to be able to also
15:48
Speaker 1: explore right and wrong decisions within your own life. But
15:52
Speaker 1: I will call you out if you're being rude, if
15:54
Speaker 1: you're being disrespectful, and if you're being like absolutely dismissive,
15:58
Speaker 1: then that's fine for me to call you. So hopefully
16:01
Speaker 1: that's helped you kind of find that middle ground. It's yeah,
16:08
Speaker 1: I think the main one is not having to do
16:11
Speaker 1: it all the time and just like picking those moments,
16:14
Speaker 1: because then what you don't want to fall into the trap.
16:17
Speaker 1: You don't want to fall into the trap of being
16:19
Speaker 1: the one that's constantly doing it. And then you realize
16:22
Speaker 1: that your friend is sharing all this personal information to
16:24
Speaker 1: all the other friends, but doesn't want to share it
16:26
Speaker 1: to you because they don't want another, yet another lecture.
16:29
Speaker 1: So it's like, how can I be the person that's
16:32
Speaker 1: always going to be the safe space to talk to,
16:34
Speaker 1: but when push comes to shove, I can also give
16:37
Speaker 1: the hard advice that will help them? Okay, so how
16:40
Speaker 1: can I still be that safe space that I think
16:43
Speaker 1: will be the perfect marriage of the two. But great question.
16:47
Speaker 1: I loved it. Loved it sense.
16:55
Speaker 6: Sense number three highlexes I firsonally just to say thank
17:01
Speaker 6: you so much for your podcast and everything that you
17:04
Speaker 6: do and all the effort that you put into every
17:06
Speaker 6: single episode.
17:07
Speaker 7: It has genuinely changed my life. And I'm not even
17:10
Speaker 7: joking when I say that I have left a pretty
17:13
Speaker 7: toxic relationship thanks to your podcast, and I'm ever grateful
17:18
Speaker 7: for that. It's the best decision I ever made. But
17:20
Speaker 7: my question today is how do I stop making negative
17:26
Speaker 7: assumptions about myself from other people's perspectives, if that makes
17:31
Speaker 7: any sense? So, like an example of this is if
17:35
Speaker 7: I meet someone new, I immediately just make the assumption that
17:40
Speaker 7: they don't like me, or yeah, for whatever reason, they
17:44
Speaker 7: just don't like.
17:45
Speaker 2: Me, Especially when it comes to other women.
17:48
Speaker 7: I've noticed I don't do it as much with men.
17:50
Speaker 2: I don't know why, but it's.
17:55
Speaker 7: Been incredibly frustrating for me because I've really been trying
17:59
Speaker 7: to put myself out there make new friends because a
18:01
Speaker 7: lot of my old friends have moved away, and I
18:03
Speaker 7: immediately just write off any potential friendships because I just
18:08
Speaker 7: get in my head and convince myself that they don't
18:12
Speaker 7: like me for whatever reason. And yeah, I just I'm
18:16
Speaker 7: annoyed because I'm flearware that I do this, but I
18:18
Speaker 7: still can't seem to stop. So I guess my question
18:22
Speaker 7: is why do I do this? And how do I
18:24
Speaker 7: stop doing this? Thank you so much.
18:28
Speaker 1: Okay, So I've got my theory as to why you
18:30
Speaker 1: might actually do this. I think that deep down, you're
18:38
Speaker 1: even before you meet this person. I don't even think
18:40
Speaker 1: it's based on this person's behavior that you're making this
18:43
Speaker 1: decision that they don't like you. This might even be
18:45
Speaker 1: happening before your interaction with this individual, So this individual
18:48
Speaker 1: doesn't stand a chance. And I believe that because you're like,
18:52
Speaker 1: I need to make new friends, my friends are moving away.
18:55
Speaker 1: I want to start doing this. I'm feeling like you've
18:57
Speaker 1: already built up this thing that other people you've met
19:00
Speaker 1: really like you, or you think that they're not vibing
19:02
Speaker 1: you on whatever, So you've already got this unintentional emotional
19:06
Speaker 1: like wall up. I think you have this sense of
19:12
Speaker 1: whether it be not necessarily competition, but it's this sense
19:15
Speaker 1: of you're preempting that it's not going to go well,
19:20
Speaker 1: and therefore it's a self fulfilling prophecy that then it
19:22
Speaker 1: won't go well. It's almost like you are up against
19:25
Speaker 1: these other people. And often there's this competitive nature between women.
19:32
Speaker 1: You say it doesn't happen with men, but it happens
19:35
Speaker 1: with women, and I think sometimes we're quite standoffish with
19:38
Speaker 1: female friendships for whatever reason. There's a lot of competition there.
19:42
Speaker 1: Not always, but this often happens, and a lot of
19:46
Speaker 1: it comes down to what we predict or expect the
19:51
Speaker 1: other person's going to be. It actually doesn't. This competition
19:53
Speaker 1: doesn't necessarily come down to the actual interaction we have
19:56
Speaker 1: with these people. So I think you need to look
19:59
Speaker 1: at your or how you preempt situations with other women
20:02
Speaker 1: and think, do I feel like I'm in competition with
20:06
Speaker 1: other women? Do I feel like someone who's got things
20:11
Speaker 1: better than me, is going to make me feel intimidated.
20:13
Speaker 1: Do other women intimidate me? Do I feel like I
20:17
Speaker 1: have to be better than them?
20:19
Speaker 3: In not? Like?
20:20
Speaker 1: What am I feeling that I don't feel with men?
20:23
Speaker 1: Because it's I think how you're approaching it, and I
20:27
Speaker 1: think your belief system is so hard when you enter
20:30
Speaker 1: this scenario that you'll read any body language, neutral body
20:35
Speaker 1: language as negative. And we're really good at doing that.
20:38
Speaker 1: We're really good at picking neutral stimuli from people, whether
20:42
Speaker 1: it's colleagues, friends, whoever, and interpreting it in the way
20:46
Speaker 1: that we're feeling when we enter this situation. So someone
20:48
Speaker 1: who someone who's feeling so pumped and so good and
20:51
Speaker 1: loved and everything's amazing, they're going to look at a
20:54
Speaker 1: neutral stimulus and be like, Wow, that was a fucking
20:56
Speaker 1: great interaction. I feel like everyone really liked me. It
20:58
Speaker 1: was a good day. Now, someone with that negative perception
21:03
Speaker 1: is going to pick up a neutral stimulus, maybe how
21:06
Speaker 1: someone looked at them, or how someone someone said, and
21:08
Speaker 1: be like, I just feel like they didn't like me.
21:10
Speaker 1: There was something in them. There was the look that
21:12
Speaker 1: they gave me. It was this, It was that. So
21:14
Speaker 1: I think, basically, in a nutshell. I think your bias
21:18
Speaker 1: is creating this. I think it's got nothing to do
21:20
Speaker 1: with how these women are behaving. So name entertainment is
21:24
Speaker 1: the number one thing. So the way you're going to
21:26
Speaker 1: deal with this is number one is identify where this
21:30
Speaker 1: bias could be coming from and really look into it
21:32
Speaker 1: and really be honest with yourself about your attitude towards
21:35
Speaker 1: these women before you even meet them. That's number one.
21:38
Speaker 1: Number two, you want to change your interaction with these women.
21:42
Speaker 1: How can I break that wall between us so I
21:46
Speaker 1: instantly have something that I can like talk to this
21:49
Speaker 1: woman about, or bond with this woman about, or you know,
21:51
Speaker 1: something that I can do or say or whatever. Because
21:55
Speaker 1: there's always these little things that I think when a
21:58
Speaker 1: woman feels welcomed by another woman, for the most part,
22:03
Speaker 1: not always. And you also have to realize this is
22:05
Speaker 1: the numbers game. Don't let one negative interaction be the
22:09
Speaker 1: confirmation that you need to prove that you've been right
22:11
Speaker 1: all along. Okay, because it's a numbers game. You might
22:13
Speaker 1: meet a woman who you try something like try to
22:17
Speaker 1: warm up to her, and she shuts you down, and
22:19
Speaker 1: you think, see, they all fucking hate me. No, it
22:21
Speaker 1: is a numbers game because in general, most women and
22:24
Speaker 1: the women's bathroom is a perfect example of that. When
22:26
Speaker 1: you extend the olive branch, women are in most cases
22:29
Speaker 1: leaping to take that olive branch. Okay, it's just that
22:32
Speaker 1: there's a standoff on who's going to be the one
22:34
Speaker 1: to extend that olive branch. But the moment someone's like,
22:37
Speaker 1: oh I need this in the bathroom, or like, does
22:39
Speaker 1: anyone have advice on whatever? In the girl's bathroom, someone's
22:43
Speaker 1: gonna leap in and talk and say, oh, this or this,
22:47
Speaker 1: or I've lett you this, or I'll letting you my
22:48
Speaker 1: perfume or a tampon or whatever, and then you start
22:50
Speaker 1: bonding and talking and then before you know it, you're
22:52
Speaker 1: obsessed with this person that you've just met. So you
22:55
Speaker 1: got to ask yourself, what can be this kind of
22:58
Speaker 1: extension that I can offer this person? Like maybe say
23:03
Speaker 1: you meet out, just say hey, I'm gonna get a drink,
23:05
Speaker 1: do you want to come with me? Something so simple.
23:08
Speaker 1: If I was meeting women for the first time and
23:12
Speaker 1: one of the women said, oh, I'm just gonna go
23:13
Speaker 1: up to the bar and points to me, want to
23:14
Speaker 1: come with me, that's a huge invitation. That's an invitation
23:17
Speaker 1: of like, I'm interested, you seem like a cool person,
23:19
Speaker 1: you seem like a good energy. Why the fuck else
23:21
Speaker 1: would I walk to the bar with someone whose energy
23:23
Speaker 1: I didn't like? Very very simple things. It could also
23:27
Speaker 1: be like, oh, babe, the perfon you're wearing obsessed, or
23:32
Speaker 1: like that, like a compliment. You could even ask them
23:35
Speaker 1: to do something for you, like could I borrow whatever
23:39
Speaker 1: off you? There's this like psychology hack, and there's a
23:43
Speaker 1: name for it. I can't remember what it is. But
23:46
Speaker 1: when you ask someone to do something for you, they're
23:48
Speaker 1: more likely to see you in a good light. They're
23:51
Speaker 1: more likely to like obviously if you're polite to like you.
23:54
Speaker 1: To get someone to like you, you ask them to
23:56
Speaker 1: do a favor, simple favor, it's more symbolic. But then
24:00
Speaker 1: they're like, oh, this person wants me to do this
24:01
Speaker 1: thing for me, they must trust or like me, so
24:04
Speaker 1: then I therefore kind of trust and like them in return.
24:07
Speaker 1: So it's these tiny extensions of the olive branch where
24:10
Speaker 1: you're not putting yourself in such a vulnerable It's not
24:13
Speaker 1: like saying, hey, do you mind if I have your
24:14
Speaker 1: numbers so we can fucking go and catch up a
24:15
Speaker 1: nat so you're not getting crazy rejected or where this
24:18
Speaker 1: person's like, wow, that's really intense. I don't actually know you.
24:22
Speaker 1: It's just these little little extensions that you will find
24:27
Speaker 1: start a conversation, because what you're trying to do is
24:30
Speaker 1: you're trying to break that initial barrier of the interaction
24:33
Speaker 1: into a real conversation. And then when you get into
24:35
Speaker 1: the real conversation, then you can make your decision being like, oh,
24:40
Speaker 1: lovely person, but like very different, like we don't vibe
24:44
Speaker 1: like you know, the essence of you know, it's not
24:46
Speaker 1: like friendship level. Then there's other people you're going to
24:49
Speaker 1: have conversations with, like I need I need to have
24:52
Speaker 1: dinner with this person, like we need to have hours
24:54
Speaker 1: of conversation. There are times that I've gone to events,
24:58
Speaker 1: like whether it be like podcasting events or influencer events,
25:01
Speaker 1: and I've sparked conversations with people over nothing. I've like
25:05
Speaker 1: literally heard them, like I've blatantly interrupted conversations well kind
25:10
Speaker 1: of like like intervened in a conversation I should say,
25:14
Speaker 1: with even a question or whatever. So for example, I'll
25:17
Speaker 1: go to it like a workout event and the two
25:19
Speaker 1: girls will be talking, but I happen to have my
25:20
Speaker 1: mat right near them, and one of them will make
25:22
Speaker 1: a comment and I'll be like, no, surely that never happened.
25:25
Speaker 1: Are you being serious, And they'll turn to me and
25:27
Speaker 1: be like, yes, that happened. Before I know it, I've
25:29
Speaker 1: embedded myself in the conversation. And then if the vibes
25:32
Speaker 1: are so high, then I'm like, all right, let's let's
25:35
Speaker 1: you know, we end up exchanging just instagrams or whatever,
25:37
Speaker 1: and then before we know it, there's been many times
25:39
Speaker 1: that's happened. And when I say many times, I'm legitimate
25:42
Speaker 1: about that. Before we know we're going to the gym
25:44
Speaker 1: doing a workout together, or we're going to get coffee
25:45
Speaker 1: because we both you know we're in the city that
25:47
Speaker 1: day or whatever. It's actually a lot easier once your
25:50
Speaker 1: bias is positive. It ends up being a lot easier
25:53
Speaker 1: to kind of insert yourself politely. But in certain situations,
25:57
Speaker 1: because let's say I intervened and said, oh my god,
26:00
Speaker 1: no way, that never happened, they could still politely reject me.
26:03
Speaker 1: They could turn to me and say, I know, isn't
26:05
Speaker 1: that crazy, and then politely deflect and ignore me. Again,
26:09
Speaker 1: that's very easy to do, and I would not be offended.
26:12
Speaker 1: I'd be like, they acknowledged me whatever. But they're just
26:14
Speaker 1: having a conversation with their friend and they don't really
26:16
Speaker 1: want to open it up to a third party fair enough.
26:18
Speaker 1: So it's like that's just little example. So hopefully that helped.
26:23
Speaker 1: Good fucking times. All right, final one for the episode.
26:27
Speaker 5: Hey, Alexis, I just want to start off by saying
26:29
Speaker 5: I love the party. It's fucking changed my life. I
26:32
Speaker 5: found it a few weeks after my breakup, and I, yeah,
26:37
Speaker 5: it was a hell of a time I go through it.
26:40
Speaker 5: I have since moved to a new city of cud
26:42
Speaker 5: all the toxic motherfuckers out of my life. I've got
26:45
Speaker 5: a new job that I love, I've got amazing supportive friends.
26:49
Speaker 5: I'm just I'm just vibing this new life.
26:53
Speaker 6: It's just so good.
26:56
Speaker 5: I'm also single at the moment, just working on myself
27:00
Speaker 5: and you're, like I said, just just vibing, vibing being
27:02
Speaker 5: by myself.
27:03
Speaker 2: It's great.
27:05
Speaker 5: But my question is around, what are some kind of short,
27:09
Speaker 5: shiny phrases that I can respond to people when they
27:12
Speaker 5: ask me why I'm sickle. I'm almost thirty, so I'm
27:16
Speaker 5: getting to the age where there's that kind of societal
27:19
Speaker 5: pressure not not for me, Like, I don't buy into
27:23
Speaker 5: that and I don't really give a fuck. But you know,
27:26
Speaker 5: there's a lot of people recently that have been asking
27:29
Speaker 5: me why am I single? And how how can I
27:33
Speaker 5: kind of phrase it and tell them that I'm just
27:35
Speaker 5: happy being by myself. Like, you know, I do want
27:40
Speaker 5: to just tell them to fuck off for mind their
27:42
Speaker 5: own business, but a lot of the times that's not appropriate,
27:44
Speaker 5: it's not the appropriate setting for that. So yeah, just
27:47
Speaker 5: some short, shiny phrases I can I can respond to
27:51
Speaker 5: people when they ask That would be great, amazing. It's
27:54
Speaker 5: about to end fake.
27:55
Speaker 1: You, Okay. So firstly, I love where you are apt
27:58
Speaker 1: with your life, with everything that's really really exciting, and
28:03
Speaker 1: I love how happy you are with where you're at.
28:06
Speaker 1: This is, honestly, you remind me of like stages of
28:09
Speaker 1: my life where it's just been elite to be you know,
28:11
Speaker 1: single and loving it. There's so many things that could
28:15
Speaker 1: be said when people make that comment, but at the
28:19
Speaker 1: same time, you know, you also want to keep it
28:21
Speaker 1: absolutely short and sweet because you also don't want to
28:24
Speaker 1: be having to justify your life and the way your
28:29
Speaker 1: life is. It pisces me off because it's like, if
28:31
Speaker 1: you weren't happy with your situation, when someone says why
28:33
Speaker 1: are you single? If you were not happy with that decision,
28:37
Speaker 1: someone asking you that isn't going to help the situation.
28:39
Speaker 1: It's like, and if you are happy with it, why
28:42
Speaker 1: are they asking you that? Anyway, It's kind of like
28:44
Speaker 1: asking someone about why they are in a life situation
28:47
Speaker 1: where they don't have direct control over, like or even
28:51
Speaker 1: when they do have control over it, Like imagine me
28:53
Speaker 1: asking someone why do you have children? Or why don't
28:57
Speaker 1: you have children? I mean people do that, which is
28:59
Speaker 1: quite rude, or like why you divorced? It's like, obviously,
29:05
Speaker 1: choices have been made in my life to get me
29:07
Speaker 1: to this point, and this is why I've decided to
29:09
Speaker 1: be divorced, or this is why I've decided to have children,
29:11
Speaker 1: or what I've decided not There's a million things, so
29:14
Speaker 1: just obviously people are just asking and it's not that
29:17
Speaker 1: they're trying to be malicious. And also I feel like
29:20
Speaker 1: it's often it's generational, not always, but often I feel
29:23
Speaker 1: like it's like the generation above us. It's, you know,
29:25
Speaker 1: interested in whatever I find that normally people my age
29:28
Speaker 1: or younger don't necessarily as often asked those questions. But
29:33
Speaker 1: in short to answer, I don't have the perfect comeback
29:36
Speaker 1: for you because it's dependent on your personality. But what
29:40
Speaker 1: I am going to say is less is more. Don't
29:42
Speaker 1: explain yourself because firstly, you don't have to, and secondly,
29:47
Speaker 1: who are you explaining to and what for? Like what
29:49
Speaker 1: do you get out of that interaction? So if someone
29:52
Speaker 1: said why are you single? I would just say it's
29:55
Speaker 1: by choice, thank you, thanks coming to my ted talk
30:01
Speaker 1: like I don't know, Like I literally would like the
30:05
Speaker 1: least amount of you know, explanation I can give the
30:10
Speaker 1: better because then hopefully it encourages them to think twice
30:14
Speaker 1: about asking a question like that, because normally, when someone
30:17
Speaker 1: asks a question like that, you could be like, I
30:18
Speaker 1: know I'm putting myself out in the dating scene and
30:20
Speaker 1: I'm trying, or well, no, I had a really bad breakup,
30:23
Speaker 1: and then for it's like, dude, why the fuck do
30:26
Speaker 1: you think I'm single? Because I either want to be
30:30
Speaker 1: or because the person that I see myself dating hasn't
30:33
Speaker 1: cropped up in my life yet and I'm not going
30:35
Speaker 1: to settle or you could just say because I don't
30:38
Speaker 1: settle for duds. So you could either say because it's
30:42
Speaker 1: up by choice or because I don't settle for duds,
30:45
Speaker 1: or you could say my standards are quite high. There's
30:49
Speaker 1: a couple of things you could say, but they're all
30:51
Speaker 1: one sentence answers. So if I were you, thinker for
30:55
Speaker 1: one sentence answer that shuts it down, that doesn't inspire
30:59
Speaker 1: them to ask more questions about the topic. But you
31:02
Speaker 1: also don't want to be like crazy rude, where then
31:05
Speaker 1: you make yourself feel uncomfortab because you're like, oh my god,
31:07
Speaker 1: I've really shut this person down and now I feel awkward.
31:09
Speaker 1: Like you also want to maintain your levels of social
31:12
Speaker 1: comfort after you've responded. But yeah, that's pretty much my
31:16
Speaker 1: answer to that. Just keep it simple, don't explain yourself
31:20
Speaker 1: one sentence, and make sure that you still feel good
31:22
Speaker 1: after you've said it, Like you don't want to work
31:24
Speaker 1: yourself up and then be pissed off and regret and
31:27
Speaker 1: you know I should have said this, like, just keep it,
31:29
Speaker 1: keep it very simple. But I'm really proud of you
31:32
Speaker 1: and I'm so excited that you're in such a fucking
31:35
Speaker 1: great place in your life. Guys, thank you for sending
31:38
Speaker 1: in your messages. Of course, please continue to send in
31:41
Speaker 1: your voice messages via the website at dyfmpod dot com
31:45
Speaker 1: or you can email your questions at info at dyfmpod
31:48
Speaker 1: dot com. And that is all for this week. As always,
31:52
Speaker 1: remember be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain,
31:54
Speaker 1: don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit
31:58
Speaker 1: from yourself. Don't ca