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Sober Talk SA - Peter · Sober Talk SA

0:02
Welcome to Sober TALK. I'm Dennis and I'm an alcoholic.
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Soap dear. Thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous.
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcohol, please
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call Alcoholics Anonymous on 1300 double 22222.
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I'll visit their website ata.org dot AU.
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I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
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Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
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fellowship of people who share the experience, strengthen hope
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with each other that they may solve their common problems and
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help with us to recover from alcoholism.
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The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop
0:45
drinking and no dues of fees. Fair membership.
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We are self supporting through our own contributions.
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He is not allied with any sect in omission politics,
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organization or institution, does not wish to engage in any
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controversy, either endorses or oppose any causes.
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Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other Alcoholics
1:09
are chiefs of Brady. Yeah, I'm Peter.
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I'm I'm a recovering alcoholic, but also I need to add to me
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that. So I'm also classified myself as
1:20
an addict to it. Alcohol was never never enough
1:23
for me. I was needed something else but
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kind of refer to myself even as a bit of A and everything a
1:29
holic and is something I've heard shared in in the rooms of
1:32
a A about. It's a step, number one, is
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recognising your powerlessness and this thing about being
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powerless over people, places and things and anything that
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kind of draws me out of me or really my relationship to
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something that isn't part of that addictive self or that
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disease, which is sort of what alcoholism is really about, a
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disease. So I, it's been a long time for
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me to come to accept that I could never through willpower or
2:12
change of attitude or a different way of looking at my
2:18
relationship to drinking or drugs that I could ever really
2:22
get control of them or stop. I, for many years, I would
2:27
acknowledge that I had a, an issue or a substance abuse
2:30
problem or whatever it was. And I always thought it was
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about trying to find balance. You know, I just find like
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everything is about, and if I only do it this much or that
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much, we're only in these time that's in my life.
2:44
It never lasts very long. And coming into more genuine
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sobriety through being in a a, I've been able to see clearly, a
2:54
lot clearer anyway, through looking back through my life
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that those attempts that being sober, being straight were
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filled with a sense of despair was one way I would describe it.
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Which were always leading me back to those destructive
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patterns and behaviours of alcohol consumption and drugs
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and whatever else that goes with that.
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But I, I have had my first drink at 12 years of age and, you
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know, I'm 50 years old now and again, to be this age and to
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look back through my life and to see with some clarity, oh, this
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wasn't normal, you know, by the age of 14 to, to realise.
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But from the age of 14, I have not been able to go probably
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longer than six months in my life without a drink or a drug
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just to get by, you know, to cope with my emotions, to cope
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with my feelings and thoughts and the realities of life and
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the stresses and strains of everyday things.
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And I suppose there's, I've always, maybe I've always
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thought in some way that I think our society sometimes reflects
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that our culture reflects that back, that it's normal to have
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a, you know, to have a drink or whatever.
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And it's a big part of the certainly of a culture in
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Australia. And the difference, of course,
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is when you're someone like myself and any other alcoholic
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or, you know, personally, drug addictions, there is no control,
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there is no stopping, there is no break.
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I know for me, in my days of heavy use of drugs and alcohol,
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that was always, although nothing, there was no end game.
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There was no real point at which I was going to say 2 drinks or
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however it was always how many of you got until I don't exist
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anymore? You know, it's like it was all
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about sort of obliterating my consciousness, going into
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oblivion. And I've seen that reflected in
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the people I've known in my life who fall into that category too.
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And, and certainly people in my family where the amount of
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excess was in some way sitting as normal.
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It was if, if I mean, I'm speaking for myself at what I
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grew up around seeing the, the level of consumption of those
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things was in excess. And that was, I thought it was
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normal. And when I excuse me, when I
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began to drink and smoke marijuana and things like that,
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in some way, there was a, there's some kind of badge of
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honour or pride in that. But you know, being 1415 years
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old and thinking that this is what you do, you know, this is,
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I mean, it's a cliche thing, but it's like you're a teenager and
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you think it's cool, but I didn't, I, I mean, you're too
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young, but I, I would, I was never able to have known or seen
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that I was setting up a whole trajectory of something that I
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could never stop. And I mean, in the big book of
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AA and members will talk about it and we still talk about it,
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the disease of alcohol and the senses that, you know, it's such
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a genetic thing. It can be, it's a brain thing
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and it can be, it can be a matter of opinion to say that.
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But I know certainly for me, I can see how at the very least I
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was destined to become that. I was destined on that path
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through my life to end up being an alcoholic, to end up being a
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drug addict to, you know, a drug that's saying the drug addict is
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sounds very harsh. It's got a lot of negative
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things to it. I mean, personally for me, a lot
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of it was marijuana use, but at various times, you know,
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methamphetamine as well and other various things that I
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could have gotten a lot, a lot worse with.
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But I want to say by the grace of God, to be honest, in my
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opinion, I didn't get too far down the rope of that.
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But I think it's important from my perspective and for anyone
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listening that and I've seen it in the rooms of a A that's
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perhaps most Alcoholics and longer term people, it's, it's
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more about alcohol. But as I said earlier, for me,
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it was never enough. Certainly my journey started
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with my experience with all of it started with alcohol, but
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that was never enough for me. And strangely, in some way, I
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think perhaps it was a blessing to a degree because that point
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in my life, I could drink so much alcohol that if I hadn't
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had something else in the mix, I may have very easily drank
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myself to death. Because taking some marijuana or
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something else kind of, I don't know, made it made it harder for
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me to drink as much, perhaps, I'd say.
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And it's something I've reflected on in my time.
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Maybe that sounds a bit funny, but maybe someone out there can
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relate to that. But I found through my life, the
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points in my life where I tried to cut back.
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And this is especially with alcohol.
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And I certainly seen that with by use of marijuana too, that I
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could never, if I was able to stop for a few months or
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whatever it was if I was sober, if I remained sober.
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This is a funny journey for me to actually get to AAI.
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Don't think I it's like for me, I had to hit the bottom, you
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know, I had to hit some kind of for me, it was like a spiritual,
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emotional, psychological rock bottom.
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It wasn't so much about ending up literally physically in the
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gutter, but emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually
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being kind of bereft in myself that I just didn't want to be
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the person that I was anymore the way I've been.
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I couldn't handle my own bullshit anymore of the amount
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of sort of lying to myself and lack of honesty in myself and my
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ability to be true to other people.
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And so much for me that is about being able to connect with my
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feelings and emotions and me how to deal with them.
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And so much of my use of alcohol and drugs is, was all about that
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for me just not being able to be comfortable with myself and,
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and, and in that also comfortable in the
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relationships. So I've been in.
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And it's The funny thing. It's like all this stuff about
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your ego being able, the alcoholic has this, you know,
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it's a common thing. I know for me, the inflated
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sense of self, the inflated ego, but the very low self esteem on
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the other end. And it's, it's something that
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this is the term I'm sure some people have heard, but excuse
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me, it's something I've heard a certain member say a few times
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about the, the alcoholic or the ego thing.
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It's this thing of don't they realise how important I think I
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am? You know, it's a, it's a strange
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mentality, but it's funny how the egos, the ego part of the
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alcoholic can achieve a lot of things can be because it's
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certainly happened for me that at points in my life, I was
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quite successful in life, in, in career and, and even in
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relationships and in my ability to, you know, be a good, decent
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human being. But inside there was something
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very wrong. And I was always trying to run
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from that. And it was like an inevitable
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crumbling of things in my life that I had to keep turning to a
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drink or a drug to cope. And you know, I've in my shorts,
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I've been with a, a four months and well, I had my first meeting
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about a year ago and it's February, it's March now, March
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2025. And I went to my first meeting
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in February last year, 2024. And it was very confronting for
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me to listen to the stories and it really broke me down
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emotionally. And it was, it spoke to me on
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that deep level. It really moved me.
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But I didn't really know how to cope with that.
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And it took me quite a few months later to really, yeah,
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come out of the denial I was in. And that was through being
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honest with myself more. And as I said earlier, hitting
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that bottom and a, a, a was the place that I needed to go to.
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A, it's funny how it worked for me being AI would have never
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believed that, you know, And but I also recognise there was no
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way I was that we're going to end up there until I was ready.
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But the thing I was going to say that there's there's therapy,
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there's rehab. And I've heard this more than a
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few times already in the rooms of a a from new members, old
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members. And that's certainly been my
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experience that those things, rehab, counselling, other sorts
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of therapies, which there's many, they can be helpful.
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But there's, it seems to me that it's something like got to be at
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least 90%, maybe 99% of people. And I'll speak for me too, that
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those things, there's always a relapse.
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And this is something that's been brought up recently in some
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meetings, just that recognition is I guess I'm speaking for
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myself, but I know it's not certainly for many, but other A
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A members too, that it's the spiritual aspect of what's
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missing in those things with rehab and counselling and so on,
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That a A has the spiritual aspect.
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And through my ears, really, I've been always half of my
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life. A lot of my drinking and drug
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use was associated to that too, like wanting to touch God or
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find God or whatever that is. And I don't know why I'd always
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end up turning back to to drinking drugs because that
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wasn't it wasn't something that ever left me just when I like
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stopped for a few months or however long there's there's a
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taboo or a stigma about anything to do with the idea of God.
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But I know for me that there was something that when I realized
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that I was trying to stop, and that was over a period of years
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on and off, you know, but when it came for the bottom to me
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where there was this, I was just saying, you know, a sense of
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real desperation that I realized that I couldn't stop even if
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even though I really wanted to and that I needed help.
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And not that I hadn't asked or spoken to friends about these
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things. Sometimes that I have a problem
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and I can't stop and they might have a suggestion or even offer
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help. It was there was something
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missing and when I really this is what happened for me, but and
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I've heard it shared by others, but I just had that I just sort
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of cried out somewhere inside me that I can't do this site.
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If there's anything that can help me, please help me.
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And it's the strangest thing. I, you know, I live in a country
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town and it's the most uncanny thing.
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I've been here for a couple of years and I've, it was not long
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after I made that plea, I was driving down the road and I just
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turned my head and there it was. There was an, a, a sign and a
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meeting was on, you know, and it was just like a tap on the
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shoulder from Sutton. And then, you know, and then
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coming to sobriety or even just really getting serious about it
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with myself. I really, I wanted to be there.
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I wanted to stop and something reached out to me.
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But I recognise through my life, and again, I've heard these
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stories from other members, the amount of things that happened
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to me through my drinking and drug use, the amount of times I
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nearly died, should have died, don't know how I survived.
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I can't deny there was something.
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I don't know what it was, but there was something watching
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over me. I want to say that because I
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can't explain it any other way. And I've seen it play out in
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other people's lives that I've known and still know to this
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day, who are still perhaps in the grip of drink or drugs, that
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there's something keeping them until it's, you know, I guess
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it's your time's up. Everybody's time's up
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eventually. But I, you know, and on that
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night, I, I've said to myself recently, you know, we don't, we
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never know how much longer we've got.
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And I used to think of that. I mean, in a, a, it's so much
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about one day at a time. And, you know, you've only got
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this moment now that you're living in, in my days of
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drinking and drugging, that was A and we'll hear that, you know,
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a lot. I still hear that a lot from
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other people. That's like, that's an excuse to
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drink, you know, just have a good time.
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But it's funny how your thinking changes when you realize this is
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not, you know, it's fun, it's great.
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You have great times when you're drinking and carrying on like
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that. But I know for me, ultimately I
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was miserable and I didn't want to be in that anymore.
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It was more and more that I, the longer it went on, the more and
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more I needed it to escape the misery.
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And there was just no escape in the end.
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And again, this is another one that I've heard said it's like
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being you just get sick and tired of being sick and tired of
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being sick and tired, you know, with everything but how you're
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feeling and how you're living. But my, my view of that idea of
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one day at a time, like live for the now.
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So let's just have a drink has changed completely.
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If I only have one day left, I want it to be sober.
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I want to be aware of what's going on.
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And for me coming into better sense of clarity in my mind,
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like I've been able to look back at things in my life and see and
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sadly the mess I made of things that I didn't intend, but I
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wasn't able to be present in life and sober to me is at the
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moment, it's so much about, but I want to experience life.
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Life is not always going to be good.
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It's not always going to. It's not going to be bad either
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if stuff's going to happen good and bad.
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But when I look back through my life of drinking and drugging
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and the good things I wasn't, I wasn't fully there for and the
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bad things I'd I wasn't there for those very, very much
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either, you know, And I don't want to live that way.
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I want to experience life and be present in it, you know, and be
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there for people, be there with my own feelings and actually
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participate in life. And that's what I seen that for
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me, staying on drinking drugs was just not not living at all.
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You know, as much as I thought that points, I was really alive.
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I was dying inside and that's kind of at this point today.
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And this is this is some of the things I've been reflecting on
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the last couple of days. That's like the greatest gift
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that I've gotten from going to a A and being in the rooms of a A.
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And the other thing I'd like to say is that I never thought
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until I went to a A I've had some great friends and might
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well not that many, but I've had, I've had a couple of good
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friends in my life and going back to my younger days that we
17:16
were drinkers and druggers and we had great time and we were
17:19
great mates. But I don't know where they are
17:20
now and that these people don't seem to stick around.
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But I never thought it was wasn't until I went to a A that
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I felt heard, I felt understood. I didn't think there was other
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people that I could speak to and say the things and share the
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things that I'm saying now, I guess too.
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And, and someone would actually go over like I understand and
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identify. And I've been amazed that that
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even though, even though we come from different backgrounds and
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the stories are different, there's, there's so many things
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I, no matter what someone shares, I always identify with
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something that, excuse me, isn't, it's not a surface thing.
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It's something very deep. And that is an amazing thing to
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experience to anyone that is thinking, oh, maybe I've got a
18:05
problem. You've got nothing to lose by
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going to a A. And I would say it wouldn't take
18:10
you long to to work out that you you don't belong there.
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Once you, if you start identifying with those stories
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and you're not sure if you're really an alcoholic, so to
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speak, you might think you just got a drinking problem or
18:21
something. But you know, that's as I was
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saying at the beginning about the culture of, oh, you know,
18:26
some people can have a couple of drinks and it's fine.
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But the alcoholic and someone like myself and others where you
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can't, I can never stop and I change, you know, I'm not the
18:34
same person. And when I take drink and drugs,
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it's I'm, if I just did that for one day, that's going to work.
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And I didn't and I stopped for a week.
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I'm not the same person even for the rest of that week.
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You know, it does something to me that I can't explain it.
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It takes me so long to try and get back to some kind of sense
18:52
of what isn't whatever normal is.
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But by going to meetings and participating in the program of
18:58
a A, it's given me that I sent like a lifeline to life, if
19:03
that, if that makes sense. I've never I, it's, it's, it's,
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it's not easy to actually to be sober, you know, it's, it's
19:13
easier. I can understand that part of
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it. It's like easier to take a drink
19:17
or a drug because you just, you're escaping.
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But how long can you do that for?
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And as I said before, I'd rather live life and be present in life
19:24
and actually feel life than be half here, you know, and, but
19:29
yeah, I've been the people of some of the people I've met in a
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a, in my short time. I feel so blessed to know them,
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you know, and as I said, I never really thought those people were
19:39
out there and I've never thought someone people could understand
19:43
like they do without, you know, me understand them too.
19:46
And it's an amazing, it's an amazing program to to be
19:50
involved in. And I said recently in a
19:53
meeting, you know, I shared it to you, Dennis, I think it
19:56
yesterday. But this concept for me about I
19:59
realise that's one day at a time, you know, I who knows.
20:03
But if you commit to the program, you commit to yourself
20:06
with it, and you commit to something, to whatever God is as
20:08
we understand him to be and. There's no guarantee, you know,
20:13
lifelong members, 30-40 years can still pick up a drink, but
20:17
I, if I ended up back on the drink, back on the whatever, I
20:21
would never forget what IA has done for me already, you know,
20:24
and God forbid that I do ever pick up a drink and drug again.
20:30
But I would always tell someone go to a a, you know, so that's,
20:34
that's what I have to say. It's you've got nothing to lose
20:37
by by going there. And it's funny.
20:40
I mean, everyone's experience with it is probably quite
20:42
personal and how they relate to it, how they get in there, how
20:46
the story. But there's some really deep,
20:49
important common threads that there's something special going
20:52
on in the rooms of a A. And if you can go there and just
21:00
it's the, you know, you hear this, shut your mouth and open
21:03
your ears, You know, you'd be surprised what it can do for
21:06
you. And as I say, you've got nothing
21:08
to lose. And I love so some of the older
21:09
members say about, you know, just give it three months.
21:12
And if you're not happy, you can have your misery back.
21:15
You know, it's it kind of works like that through.
21:17
But I don't know, for me, there's no, there's there's no
21:20
turning back once, especially once I got those first few
21:23
meetings into me where I took it serious.
21:26
I was like, oh man, this it's confronting, you know, it's,
21:29
it's, it's powerful and that's a good thing.
21:33
You know, I'll say for myself that I have a lot of, I have a
21:35
lot of respect for a A and for the, for the people, the, the
21:39
fellowship of a A and the long term members like yourself,
21:41
Dennis and others who if it wasn't for you, you know, it
21:46
wouldn't, it wouldn't exist. If it's you keep it going, you
21:48
know, and to be, for example, members there that are 4040
21:52
years sober than 2030 years, people might think, why do they
21:56
keep going back? You know, and that's, that's a
21:58
really good question because that's, that's how important it
22:01
is, you know, and that's the reality of it too.
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And I mean, I'll just say for me, I I always hope that, you
22:07
know, I can be in the rooms one day and be that person too.
22:11
And I understand how important it is for the older members that
22:14
the new members come, new people come in, you know, and yeah, I
22:19
think it's hiya is going to be pretty important as we move
22:23
forward in time in life because it's a lot of people I think
22:26
struggling with with issues like this, so.
22:29
Keep coming back, Peter. Yeah, that's it.
22:31
That's right. Let's keep coming back.
22:35
A A has more than two million recovering Alcoholics throughout
22:40
the world. In Australia there are about
22:43
18,000 members. They're made in over 2000 local
22:48
meetings spread around the country.
22:51
Meetings range in size from a handful in some areas to
22:55
hundreds or more in larger communities.
22:58
And once again, if anyone you know is struggling with alcohol
23:03
issues, please call Alcoholics Announcing 1300 Double 00000 or
23:09
visit their website on aa.org dot AU.