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Moving Through A Storm of Shame with Becky Aste · The Trauma Therapist

0:00
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Trauma Therapist Podcast. My name is Gamiferson.
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Speaker 1: I interview incredible people who've dedicated their lives to helping
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Speaker 1: those who've been impacted by trauma. A big thank you
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Speaker 1: to our sponsors and our guests who are supporting this show.
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Speaker 1: Five four three two one our folks, Welcome back to
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Speaker 1: the podcast. Very excited to hap us. My guest today,
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Speaker 1: Becky Asta Becky, Welcome, Thank.
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Speaker 2: You, It's so great to be here, guy awesome.
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Speaker 1: Becky is the founder of I Do Breakthrough, a truma
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Speaker 1: informed Semitic relationship coaching practice that helps individuals and couples
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Speaker 1: break cycles of re trauma and build secure, emotionally connected partnerships.
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Speaker 1: Drawing on body based awareness and attachment focused work, Becky
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Speaker 1: supports clients and repairing relationship patterns at their root rather
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Speaker 1: than managing surface conflict. Her work centers on helping high
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Speaker 1: impact women and their partners move from survival dynamics to
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Speaker 1: lasting intimacy and relational safety. All right, Becky, obviously, just
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Speaker 1: a little bit about you before we get going. Share
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Speaker 1: with our listeners where you're from originally and where you
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Speaker 1: are currently, and we'll dive in.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, originally from a small town in Connecticut, grew up
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Speaker 2: between a Christmas tree farm and a miniature horse farm.
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Speaker 2: And now I'm in suburbia, just northern Virginia, right outside
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Speaker 2: of DC.
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Speaker 1: Awesome, awesome, all right, so love what you're doing here?
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Speaker 1: How did all this start for you?
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Speaker 2: Yeah? So if I were at a pinpoint the beginning
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Speaker 2: now being a relationship coach, I go back to the
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Speaker 2: initial starts of my own marriage. And it was my
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Speaker 2: freshman year of college and I met my now husband
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Speaker 2: and we started dating. Early on, I started noticing this
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Speaker 2: dance that at the time I didn't have words for.
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Speaker 2: I called it chase and run. I felt like I
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Speaker 2: was energetically chasing and he was running. When we were good,
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Speaker 2: we were good, but when we were triggered or stressed,
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Speaker 2: it was this dynam and a deep fear of abandonment,
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Speaker 2: a deep fear of the relationship dissolving. From my end,
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Speaker 2: As I dove into self development and healing and therapy,
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Speaker 2: I learned new language. I identified with things like codependency
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Speaker 2: and on his end, addiction, things like anxious attached or
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Speaker 2: avoidant attached. I had so much language and verbiage on
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Speaker 2: what our dynamic was about, but nothing was stopping the dynamic.
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Speaker 2: It was just escalating until fast forward, we had two kids,
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Speaker 2: ten years into marriage and hit the fan guy and
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Speaker 2: we ended up deciding separation was going to be best.
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Speaker 1: Okay, hang on, hang on. So you're saying a lot
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Speaker 1: of really interesting d you see stuff as you so
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Speaker 1: amazing that you started like noticing all this and actually
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Speaker 1: did something about it when that started to happen, Becky,
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Speaker 1: did you like engage your husband at the time and
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Speaker 1: say I see this going on, I see that. What
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Speaker 1: did that look like? Yeah?
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Speaker 2: I tried so hard to engage everything I tried and
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Speaker 2: found and discovered it was this excited oh my gosh,
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Speaker 2: this is what we need and trying to pull him
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Speaker 2: into it. And there was resistance, you know, from his end,
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Speaker 2: but usually and eventually it was following suit because he's
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Speaker 2: wanting to appease me. He's a good guy. But it
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Speaker 2: never felt really intrinsically motivated from his side. He felt
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Speaker 2: a bit dragged.
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Speaker 1: Along by me, right, I mean, and you can't blame
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Speaker 1: him in a sense. I mean, it's a lot of
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Speaker 1: people would be like, no, let's let's just go out
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Speaker 1: to dinner anyway. Okay, So what happened.
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Speaker 2: Forward your ten of marriage. There was significant betrayal. I
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Speaker 2: reached a point where trust was ruptured, both on my
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Speaker 2: end and on his, and we decided this is no
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Speaker 2: longer healthy for either of us, for the kids, and
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Speaker 2: so we decided to separate. He moved in with his mom.
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Speaker 2: We were having honest conversations about divorce, and my world
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Speaker 2: flipped upside down. Felt like my nervous system was on fire.
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Speaker 2: Before I even knew anything about the nervous system. I
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Speaker 2: remember calling my best friend saying, I think this is
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Speaker 2: where people are before they're admitted for psychiatric help. My
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Speaker 2: world feels like it's falling apart. And that's when I
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Speaker 2: stumbled upon someone on Instagram Fast forward. I ended up
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Speaker 2: learning from her. I got coaching from her, and she
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Speaker 2: introduced me to somatic healing, and that ended up being
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Speaker 2: the game changer. I call it the last minute buzzer beater,
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Speaker 2: you know in a basketball game, like the last shot,
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Speaker 2: we're throwing it up because doesn't work at least I
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Speaker 2: tried to.
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Speaker 1: And that let me ask you something. Just interject quickly,
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Speaker 1: So what were you seeking when you contacted this person?
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Speaker 2: She was posting things at the time about infidelity specifically
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Speaker 2: and repairing after infidelity. And at the time, a lot
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Speaker 2: of the content coming into my algorithm was man hating, husband,
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Speaker 2: bashing he's a narcissist. And this was the one breath
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Speaker 2: of fresh air where it was seeing the goodness in
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Speaker 2: both partners and the hope for healing. And so I thought,
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Speaker 2: oh my god, maybe one person on this planet doesn't
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Speaker 2: see me as weak for staying or codependent for wanting
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Speaker 2: to work this out, that this can actually be an
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Speaker 2: honorable thing to want to repair after what we've gone through.
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Speaker 1: Very cool, Okay, I'm listening. I'm here. I too experienced
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Speaker 1: divorce and it was an existential crisis for me. How
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Speaker 1: do things unfold again for you?
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Speaker 2: So the short story is I started doing this program
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Speaker 2: we were still living separate. It was the first time
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Speaker 2: of all the healing that I had ever done that
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Speaker 2: dove into the neck down, into my body, into the
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Speaker 2: nervous system, into energy. It wasn't just me recycling all
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Speaker 2: of the stories and talking about all the trauma that
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Speaker 2: we had been through, and I started to feel grounded
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Speaker 2: for the first time in my life. I got to
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Speaker 2: a place where I wasn't just saying it because I
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Speaker 2: knew it was the right thing to say, but I
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Speaker 2: felt in my body, even if this doesn't work out,
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Speaker 2: which it looks like it's headed in that direction, I'm
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Speaker 2: gonna be okay. And I've never been able to say that.
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Speaker 2: And that felt like a miracle in and of itself.
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Speaker 2: And in this separation, we were still having some minimal contact.
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Speaker 2: He would come over to have dinner with the kids, and
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Speaker 2: he wouldn't express this at the time, but now in retrospect,
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Speaker 2: he said, I started to notice a different energy about you.
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Speaker 2: It wasn't anything you were saying different. We were barely talking,
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Speaker 2: but I noticed, WHOA, Becky's really got herself. She's coming
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Speaker 2: off more brounded, more anchored. And we started to talk
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Speaker 2: again for the first time in months, and in those moments,
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Speaker 2: having what normally would be very charged, triggering conversations between us,
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Speaker 2: he noticed, WHOA, I don't have to say the right thing,
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Speaker 2: or I don't have to beat around the bush like
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Speaker 2: I can be honest, and Becky still got herself and
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Speaker 2: that was the beginning of safety in repair for us.
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Speaker 1: That's really interesting. It sounds to me as though, from
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Speaker 1: this experience you had with this with this individual, you
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Speaker 1: were really you were working on yourself. Yes, right, you
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Speaker 1: weren't like, as you said, kind of regurgitating the story
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Speaker 1: and bashing him or even bashing yourself. But what taking
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Speaker 1: ownership of who you are and when you started doing that?
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Speaker 1: Was that different for you? What did that feel like
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Speaker 1: for you?
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Speaker 2: It was very different. The first difference I noticed, actually
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Speaker 2: my first coaching call with this woman was I, yeah,
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Speaker 2: regurgitated all these symptoms I was having, and I knew
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Speaker 2: she was a somatic coach, so focused on the body.
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Speaker 2: I said, I feel cold when I get triggered. What
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Speaker 2: does that mean? And she said, I honestly don't know
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Speaker 2: what that means because your body is completely different than mine.
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Speaker 2: And I was like, hold on, you don't know what
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Speaker 2: that means. I just paid you how much money? And
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Speaker 2: you like, are you? Are you gonna help me or not?
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Speaker 2: But the whole point was it was this shift from
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Speaker 2: my whole life of being told what the answer was
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Speaker 2: and being told the right way to live, to somebody
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Speaker 2: helping me tune into my own intuition, to the wisdom
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Speaker 2: of my own body to find the answers intrinsically. And
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Speaker 2: that was new from the background, even yeah.
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Speaker 1: And why and how did that help then help you
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Speaker 1: move or work with the relationship.
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Speaker 2: It was the first time in my life. To give
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Speaker 2: a little background, I grew up in a home where
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Speaker 2: my dad was uber, uber Christian, and there was a
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Speaker 2: lot of good from that relationship, but there was also
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Speaker 2: a lot of religious trauma. And then when my husband
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Speaker 2: and I met, we met in a community, a church
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Speaker 2: where it was a lot of behavior control. There was
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Speaker 2: more religious trauma. There, very high intense purity culture, and
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Speaker 2: me operating out of having to please every mentor around me,
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Speaker 2: the group around me, in order to stay good, to
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Speaker 2: feel like I'm good within myself, I'm good with God,
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Speaker 2: I'm good with my relationship. We even saved our first
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Speaker 2: kiss for the altar, like we went all in. We
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Speaker 2: did it good, good, good guy. And it was never
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Speaker 2: never a confidence of Okay, I'm doing this for myself,
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Speaker 2: or I'm able to listen to my own God whisper
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Speaker 2: my own intuition. It was all outsourcing. It was all external.
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Speaker 2: So being in a relationship with someone else like that
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Speaker 2: is like two people on paddle boards, you know, falling
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Speaker 2: off and trying to stay afloat by just grabbing each other.
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Speaker 2: It was the first time I was able to learn
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Speaker 2: how to float on my own paddle board and feel
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Speaker 2: safety in my own body, safety in my own system,
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Speaker 2: to be able to bring that to a partnership.
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Speaker 1: Let me just remind everyone I'm speaking with Becky Aste.
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Speaker 1: She's a founder of I Do Breakthrough. Okay, so you
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Speaker 1: have this incredible experience, you're feeling amazing. What happens with
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Speaker 1: the relationship.
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Speaker 2: One night when we were separated, I said, Sebastian, I
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Speaker 2: am going out for a girl's and I'm going to
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Speaker 2: be home late. If you want to sleep on the
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Speaker 2: couch tonight, you're welcome to stay over. He woke up
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Speaker 2: the next day and he tested positive for COVID. Not
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Speaker 2: the time everyone was freaked out about COVID. His mom
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Speaker 2: was like, you're not coming back into her house. So
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Speaker 2: all of a sudden, it was us looking at each
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Speaker 2: other kind of like, hey, I guess we're gonna be
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Speaker 2: living together for the next fourteen days. And in those
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Speaker 2: fourteen days of quarantining, we started to have the most
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Speaker 2: honest conversations we had ever had in our marriage. And
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Speaker 2: those were the turning point moments, the flickers of hope
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Speaker 2: of oh my god, is this possible? That we could
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Speaker 2: maybe repair. For the first time in my marriage, I'm
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Speaker 2: feeling safety that's consistent, and it's not coming from his
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Speaker 2: actions and his facial expressions in his words, is coming
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Speaker 2: from within myself. So in conversation when we were having
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Speaker 2: some hard talks and opening up, I instead of hypervigilantly
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Speaker 2: tracking him, I was tuning into myself and noticing what's
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Speaker 2: my body doing right now? Oh wow, my birth is slow.
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Speaker 2: Oh my mind is not racing. Oh, my muscles are relaxed.
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Speaker 2: I can actually trust him because I trust my body now,
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Speaker 2: or at least i'm learning to, and my body doesn't lie.
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Speaker 2: So that's why I'm trusting him, not because I'm hyper
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Speaker 2: vigil scanning every little word. And those were the turning
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Speaker 2: point building blocks that just continued to build. And I
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Speaker 2: actually did a bit of a taking notes of how
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Speaker 2: many interactions felt positive like that day by day compared
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Speaker 2: to how many felt triggering, and we just took it
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Speaker 2: one day at a time, and overall I noticed, oh
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Speaker 2: my god, I'm feeling safer and safer and more connected
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Speaker 2: and trust rebuilding. And so it wasn't like, Okay, we
12:28
Speaker 2: decided we're gonna fix this and we're gonna make it work.
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Speaker 2: It was really a daily decision until we reached a
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Speaker 2: point of wow, we're thriving now and.
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Speaker 1: Go ahead, no excuse me. So you're doing this amazing work.
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Speaker 1: Is Sebastian also doing work? And my question is, and
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Speaker 1: we're gonna get to this when we start talking about
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Speaker 1: the work you do. Did you feel at that time
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Speaker 1: you know, dude, I'm doing all this work. You need
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Speaker 1: to do this too, or did it feel like you know,
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Speaker 1: I'm doing all this work and he's not. What were
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Speaker 1: your feelings at this time about that topic.
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Speaker 2: The first ten years it was kind of like that.
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Speaker 2: It was I'm doing this work. Can you jump on
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Speaker 2: board to the level that I have jumped on board?
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Speaker 2: Kind of this I'm doing better than you energy, even
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Speaker 2: though I would never say that, but in learning this
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Speaker 2: somatic piece, which felt like a missing piece for me,
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Speaker 2: it was the first time that I felt like I
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Speaker 2: was able to detach and really let go of Okay,
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Speaker 2: he's not doing the work right now. It was me
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Speaker 2: who started at that time of separation, and he basically
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Speaker 2: rolled his eyes found out how much I paid for
13:48
Speaker 2: this coach and said, wow, good to luck with that.
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Speaker 2: I hope that helps. I was like, thanks, I could
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Speaker 2: use all the luck I could get. So it wasn't
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Speaker 2: until it was him feeling for the first time. I
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Speaker 2: wasn't expecting him to do the work. It was him
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Speaker 2: feeling the detachment. It was him feeling like, for the
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Speaker 2: first time, I've got myself and I'm not waiting for
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Speaker 2: you to catch up. That he felt room to breathe,
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Speaker 2: he felt the ability to finally really dive into it
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Speaker 2: on his own. And it was about a year later
14:17
Speaker 2: after I first started that coaching that he did end
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Speaker 2: up hiring his first life coach without me dragging him
14:24
Speaker 2: and starting to learn breath work and go on men's retreats,
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Speaker 2: and the whole journey of his own finally came when
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Speaker 2: I stopped trying to drag him along with me.
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Speaker 1: Interesting, there's such a a well worn, understood lesson in
14:42
Speaker 1: that right. It's like when we start to trust ourselves
14:46
Speaker 1: and own who we are, people feel that respond to that.
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Speaker 1: So from your tone, I'm assuming you guys got back together.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, we did. After the COVID fourteen days, he was
15:03
Speaker 2: packing his bag. I said, I'm actually feeling like, well,
15:06
Speaker 2: we've covered some ground. I'm feeling safer but I'm not
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Speaker 2: ready to fully reconnect. Can you go back to your
15:11
Speaker 2: mom's And then she had COVID And so we looked
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Speaker 2: at each other kind of like it was a wink
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Speaker 2: from the universe, like maybe we're just meant to keep
15:18
Speaker 2: seeing where this goes. So fast forward today, we just
15:23
Speaker 2: celebrated fourteen years of marriage last week. Wow, amazing rabbit
15:29
Speaker 2: house in the ground. It was the coolest thing. And
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Speaker 2: I get to do this now full time. This is
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Speaker 2: my full time work. Ever since the turning point, I
15:39
Speaker 2: just knew this is what I want to set out
15:41
Speaker 2: to learn how to pass into the hands of other women.
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Speaker 2: And he has joined. He's been a coach in my
15:46
Speaker 2: program at different times. He came into my client community
15:50
Speaker 2: last week just to share and answer live questions. But
15:54
Speaker 2: to describe where we're acting out feels simple, peaceful, fun, silly,
15:58
Speaker 2: and miraculous. Where we're at today.
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Speaker 1: So at what point, Becky, did you say to yourself,
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Speaker 1: I want to start helping other couples or women. We're
16:10
Speaker 1: both women to do this work. Yeah, okay, what did
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Speaker 1: that look like that progression for you?
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Speaker 2: Timing? I'm trying to remember exactly, but I just remember
16:22
Speaker 2: coming towards the end of my time in that program
16:25
Speaker 2: that I signed up for with that coach, and I
16:27
Speaker 2: started to watch her from a different lens. I wasn't
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Speaker 2: just learning from her. I was looking at her thinking,
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Speaker 2: oh my god, what if I could do what she's doing.
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Speaker 2: And it was just this thought that kept burning and
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Speaker 2: growing of I don't know what that would take. I
16:39
Speaker 2: don't know what that would entail, but I'm a great learner,
16:42
Speaker 2: and let me start, And so put it out there
16:45
Speaker 2: to the universe. This is what I want to begin.
16:47
Speaker 2: Even though I wasn't trying to jump ship. I was
16:49
Speaker 2: in a networking network marketing career that was very successful
16:54
Speaker 2: in it was more stable. But this was this intuitive
16:57
Speaker 2: nudge of I gotta do this. This is like burning
17:00
Speaker 2: inside of me. So that begun the journey.
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Speaker 1: All right, So let's get let's talk about what you
17:09
Speaker 1: do your work. Let's start with a kind of a
17:11
Speaker 1: broad brushstroke of what you do when then we'll get
17:13
Speaker 1: with specific So how would you describe the work you do?
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I help high achieving women who are caught in
17:20
Speaker 2: that cycle of feeling disconnection and communication breakdown in their marriage.
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Speaker 2: They have gone through things like maybe betrayal, abandonment, abuse,
17:30
Speaker 2: and they are on the fence of should I stay
17:32
Speaker 2: or should I go, hoping for this maybe being the
17:36
Speaker 2: last shot of hope for their relationship. And so I
17:40
Speaker 2: work through a somatic lens, which just means working from
17:43
Speaker 2: the bottom up. We obviously are talking like you're used
17:46
Speaker 2: to in talk therapy, but we're also working with the
17:49
Speaker 2: nervous system and your body responses to certain triggers, not
17:53
Speaker 2: just talking through them.
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Speaker 1: So do you work one on one end group?
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Speaker 2: I have three one on one spots at a time
18:02
Speaker 2: currently those are filled, but other than that, it's open
18:05
Speaker 2: enrollment all the time in my Route to Rise coaching program.
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Speaker 1: Okay, so let's talk about your one on one if
18:13
Speaker 1: we could, just to give people an idea of how
18:15
Speaker 1: you work. So if you could maybe do a case
18:19
Speaker 1: study of someone who's come to you, what does it
18:21
Speaker 1: look like.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, so at the beginning, it's really mapping out the
18:26
Speaker 2: blueprint of where their nervous system is at and what's
18:29
Speaker 2: happening in their body and in their relationships. So taking
18:32
Speaker 2: a bit of a litmus test of this is our
18:34
Speaker 2: starting point and deciding where do you want to be
18:36
Speaker 2: if you could waive a magic wand at the end
18:38
Speaker 2: of our time together, what is it that you would
18:41
Speaker 2: love to walk away with? And then tailoring those one
18:43
Speaker 2: on one sessions which we meet weekly and then have
18:47
Speaker 2: access to me in between, you know, eight to four
18:51
Speaker 2: within my working hours, but figuring out, okay, what is
18:55
Speaker 2: the plan for transformation for this woman? And example, I'm
19:01
Speaker 2: working with a woman today. She's actually the oldest client
19:04
Speaker 2: that I've ever worked with. She's almost eighty years old.
19:07
Speaker 2: And so we started talking about her relationship with food
19:12
Speaker 2: and binge eating, and she wanted to get to the
19:15
Speaker 2: root of why that's happening, how to stop it, and so.
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Speaker 1: Okay, so hang on, so hang on, so sorry. So
19:20
Speaker 1: it's not just relationships, so part.
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Speaker 2: Of it for this woman, it's relationship that has to
19:26
Speaker 2: do with it. The two main reasons she came to
19:29
Speaker 2: me is her relationship with her husband is there's a
19:31
Speaker 2: lot of tension, and then she has this habit of
19:35
Speaker 2: binge eating that she's wanting to figure out and gets
19:37
Speaker 2: the root of.
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Speaker 1: Okay, but in terms of relationship, when someone comes to you,
19:44
Speaker 1: they say what they I'm at an impasse with my
19:48
Speaker 1: husband or wife and how do you what do you say?
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Speaker 2: To them, Yeah, they're.
19:55
Speaker 1: Expecting to talk about their story.
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Speaker 2: And one yeah to say, We've tried everything and I
20:02
Speaker 2: don't know if there's hope for repair. I'm on the
20:05
Speaker 2: fence of should I stay or should I go? And
20:08
Speaker 2: so this may be the last stone that I haven't overturned.
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Speaker 2: Is this somatic piece, this nervous system piece, and I'm
20:15
Speaker 2: hoping that this will help me. And so that's what
20:17
Speaker 2: they're coming to me with. And so what we begin
20:20
Speaker 2: with before anything is dissolving shame. Most of these women
20:24
Speaker 2: are high achievers, very high in our critic swirling in
20:27
Speaker 2: a shame storm. And then we get right to work
20:29
Speaker 2: on establishing safety in the nervous system, the foundation of
20:32
Speaker 2: safety in the body, before talking about any of the trauma,
20:36
Speaker 2: diving into any of that. So we really work from
20:39
Speaker 2: the bottom up, going one part of the body at
20:41
Speaker 2: the time, the root, the emotional center, working through triggers,
20:46
Speaker 2: the identity center, her self confidence, the heart center, which
20:50
Speaker 2: is where a lot of the women hold a lot
20:52
Speaker 2: of trauma because of grief, heartbreak, things like that, moving
20:57
Speaker 2: up to the throat, helping her find her voice, speak
21:00
Speaker 2: in an embodied, authentic way, and then eventually self trust
21:04
Speaker 2: and spiritual healing towards the top of the head, top
21:07
Speaker 2: of the body. So we go through the energy centers
21:09
Speaker 2: helping her heal from the bottom up.
21:14
Speaker 1: I really like this because you're working on focusing on
21:21
Speaker 1: your client client's nervous system in a sense, in very
21:26
Speaker 1: real sense. But also do you find that her clients
21:31
Speaker 1: are like, well, okay, this is great, but I want
21:35
Speaker 1: to talk about my relationship and how do you explain Well, okay,
21:44
Speaker 1: first things first, what does that dialogue look like for you?
21:51
Speaker 2: Yeah, So, one thing I tell every client that comes
21:53
Speaker 2: in is this work you're going to experience on the
21:56
Speaker 2: deepest subconscious, cellular, spiritual level you may have ever experienced
22:00
Speaker 2: so far. And in this deep healing, you're either gonna
22:03
Speaker 2: call him up or you're gonna call him out, but
22:06
Speaker 2: either way you win. Best case scenario number one, he
22:09
Speaker 2: notices the shift, it's impossible for him not to. He's
22:11
Speaker 2: going to feel it. It's going to ooze out of you,
22:13
Speaker 2: and he wants a cup of what's you know, a
22:16
Speaker 2: taste of what's in your cup too. Best case scenario
22:18
Speaker 2: number two, This really reveals that he's not wanting growth
22:22
Speaker 2: like you. And at the end of the day your win,
22:26
Speaker 2: as you have finally stopped abandoning yourself, and so of
22:29
Speaker 2: course the relationship comes into play, and the relationship is
22:33
Speaker 2: a mirror. It's really just an opportunity to help them
22:37
Speaker 2: reframe subtly on fixation of how to fix him, fix
22:40
Speaker 2: the relationship to what is this impasse in your relationship?
22:44
Speaker 2: Revealing about your own wounds and your own triggers and
22:47
Speaker 2: your own trauma, and how can we nurture that. It's
22:50
Speaker 2: really just showing us something that's calling out a part
22:53
Speaker 2: of you that's needing more support, needing more healing, And
22:57
Speaker 2: so we're going to turn it onto you.
23:00
Speaker 1: Not for the faint of heart. I mean you're inviting
23:04
Speaker 1: slash challenging. Yeah, I mean you're inviting slash challenging people
23:09
Speaker 1: to really do some oftentimes difficult work when you becky
23:20
Speaker 1: for yourself, this arc, this connecting of the dots between
23:28
Speaker 1: you know, when you first started realizing something was happening,
23:32
Speaker 1: something was quote unquote off with your own relationship, What
23:37
Speaker 1: were some of the things you tried? Because a lot
23:39
Speaker 1: oftentimes we're like, we don't necessarily look at ourselves first.
23:45
Speaker 1: We don't want to maybe own that or feel like
23:49
Speaker 1: that's the issue, right. We oftentimes think, well, the relationship
23:55
Speaker 1: is the problem, is the issue. So how did you
23:59
Speaker 1: make that that switch, that shift?
24:03
Speaker 2: It was a lot of I mean, listening to every
24:07
Speaker 2: podcast I could, every book we did, couples counseling, talk therapy, retreats, webinars,
24:14
Speaker 2: anything I could get my hands on. And I think
24:17
Speaker 2: it was just because well, none of that worked. I've
24:20
Speaker 2: tried for a decade straight all of that stuff, and
24:24
Speaker 2: this seems like a potential new avenue that I haven't
24:28
Speaker 2: tried yet. So in my mind it was more of
24:31
Speaker 2: a last ditch. At least my conscience will be clear.
24:34
Speaker 2: I can say if and when we get divorced, I've
24:36
Speaker 2: tried literally everything that's been available to me, and so
24:40
Speaker 2: it wasn't out of this noble you know, like I
24:42
Speaker 2: am now going to turn inward. It was just worked,
24:47
Speaker 2: So let me try this.
24:51
Speaker 1: So how has your perception of relationships changed since now,
25:03
Speaker 1: since you're doing this work now.
25:06
Speaker 2: One, it's gone from noticing how much I like in
25:10
Speaker 2: the words of Tara Brock, I don't know if you
25:12
Speaker 2: follow her meditation Buddhist teacher, but bad othering, that's the
25:16
Speaker 2: word that comes to mind. Bad othering. I bad othered
25:18
Speaker 2: my husband so much it's embarrassing.
25:20
Speaker 1: Guy.
25:20
Speaker 2: Some of the books that were on my bookshelf that
25:23
Speaker 2: I had of how to get into the minds of
25:24
Speaker 2: angry and controlling men, and I just saw him as
25:27
Speaker 2: the enemy, when really it was a mirror this whole time,
25:30
Speaker 2: and some some really deep, long, long ago childhood wounds,
25:35
Speaker 2: and so being able to see what a good human
25:38
Speaker 2: he is once I get out of the hypervigilant mode
25:41
Speaker 2: of my trauma, running the show has been a huge reframe.
25:44
Speaker 2: This is a good, good good man is a good human,
25:47
Speaker 2: and most men are. Of the women that I work with,
25:50
Speaker 2: they're not raging narcissists. There sometimes that's true, but for
25:54
Speaker 2: the most part, they're good men who don't have the tools.
25:57
Speaker 2: So that's been a reframe, and the other has just
25:59
Speaker 2: been in a mirror. Triggers are freaking uncomfortable. It's not
26:03
Speaker 2: for the fan of heart. Nobody likes being triggered. And
26:06
Speaker 2: also these are the deepest invitations into our healing and
26:10
Speaker 2: into our freedom. So just being able to see, okay
26:13
Speaker 2: when the trigger arrives and they still do. This isn't
26:16
Speaker 2: a hymn thing. This isn't a fixing external thing. It's
26:19
Speaker 2: what does this remind me of as a little girl,
26:21
Speaker 2: or the earliest way that this cut me, and how
26:25
Speaker 2: can I tend to her whole body on that level
26:29
Speaker 2: in that moment.
26:32
Speaker 1: When clients come to you are my guess is you
26:36
Speaker 1: kind of do some kind of intake and let them
26:38
Speaker 1: know what to expect. I'm also guessing and correct me
26:42
Speaker 1: if I'm wrong that people might be surprised that you
26:49
Speaker 1: are inviting them to work on themselves. Mostly is that true.
26:55
Speaker 2: Or what they are surprised? And I'm upfront about it
26:58
Speaker 2: that I'm a weird marriage coach. I don't actually have
27:01
Speaker 2: an agenda for your relationship. I don't have this. I'm
27:05
Speaker 2: not going to force it to work. It's ultimately my
27:08
Speaker 2: biggest agenda, if I were to name it, is to
27:10
Speaker 2: help you to get so in tune with your intuition
27:13
Speaker 2: that you can make the most aligned next steps for you.
27:15
Speaker 2: Because there's been women that have come in that are
27:17
Speaker 2: an abusive relationships and it's not safe, it's not right
27:20
Speaker 2: for them to continue making it work. But women are
27:24
Speaker 2: just confused if I don't know if this is intuition
27:26
Speaker 2: or trauma, and I'm trying to help them see the
27:28
Speaker 2: difference between the two so they can make the most
27:31
Speaker 2: intuitive choice for their marriage. So it is for some
27:35
Speaker 2: a bit of a stretch at first.
27:39
Speaker 1: What do you feel, Becky allows you to do this
27:42
Speaker 1: work effectively?
27:46
Speaker 2: One is just the geno sequa like I just do
27:50
Speaker 2: like this is just every cell of my being is like,
27:54
Speaker 2: this is what I want to do day, from the
27:56
Speaker 2: time I wake up to the time I go to sleep.
27:58
Speaker 2: It doesn't exhaust me. It invigorates me. And it's the
28:03
Speaker 2: personal experience of man. If I had learned this ten
28:07
Speaker 2: years ago, we could have been enjoying marriage so much sooner.
28:11
Speaker 2: And it's some kind of weird, redemptive, maybe egocentric way
28:16
Speaker 2: of being able to gift it to someone else if
28:18
Speaker 2: I didn't get to taste it as soon as I
28:20
Speaker 2: wanted to.
28:21
Speaker 1: I love it. I love There's something so very what's
28:25
Speaker 1: the word it's it's it's daring. I mean, this work
28:30
Speaker 1: that you're asking people to do and working with people
28:32
Speaker 1: to do is daring. I mean, how what else is
28:35
Speaker 1: more daring than you know, looking inward and being able
28:40
Speaker 1: to do so with clear eyes right and to own
28:46
Speaker 1: the traumas that we've many of us most of us
28:49
Speaker 1: have experienced. That's again it's not easy work.
28:54
Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree, I tell them. I tell my clients
28:57
Speaker 2: every day how brave they are. Remind myself right in
28:59
Speaker 2: moment that I still get scared, triggered, hurt, how brave
29:03
Speaker 2: it is to do this work. And I say, it's
29:05
Speaker 2: the modern day you know, it's the biggest modern day
29:10
Speaker 2: active rebellion is to be able to slow down and
29:13
Speaker 2: be with your body and tune into yourself when there's
29:16
Speaker 2: so much hurriedness, sped upness, focus on external problems, especially
29:23
Speaker 2: in the relationship world.
29:26
Speaker 1: All right, so as we wind down here again, you
29:31
Speaker 1: work individually, you also work in groups. What does your
29:34
Speaker 1: group process? What does that look like? Yeah?
29:37
Speaker 2: I have a group program called Root to Rise meaning
29:40
Speaker 2: root bottom of the body all the way to the top.
29:43
Speaker 2: And it's a ninety day journey from being able to
29:47
Speaker 2: go from silence disconnected in your marriage to embodied authenticity
29:52
Speaker 2: connection communication, especially focused on the nonverbal side of communication.
29:58
Speaker 2: And then my one on one spots like I mentioned,
30:01
Speaker 2: there's usually three at a time. I call it my
30:04
Speaker 2: metamorphosis journey, and that's a three month journey as well.
30:07
Speaker 1: To work with me awesome awesome. All right, how do
30:10
Speaker 1: people learn more about you, Becky and get in touch.
30:13
Speaker 1: What's the best way?
30:15
Speaker 2: Instagram? Becky underscore, Asta, you can DM me It's me,
30:18
Speaker 2: not my team or AI. And I'd love to meet
30:22
Speaker 2: you in the DMS.
30:23
Speaker 1: Okay, and we'll have that linked up here at the
30:25
Speaker 1: show notes page at the Trauma Therapist podcast dot com. Becky, awesome.
30:30
Speaker 1: Love it exciting, love having someone like you on here
30:34
Speaker 1: who's inviting people to be authentic.
30:40
Speaker 2: Thank you, guys, that's an honor to be here. Thank
30:42
Speaker 2: you for the conversation.
30:44
Speaker 1: All Right, We'll be in touch. Take care you too,