Latest / The Rosanne Callens Podcast / E13: Why High Achievers Feel Overwhelmed (And What to Do in the Moment) with Portia Miller
Transcript
- Rosanne: Hi friends. Rosanne Callens here. ⁓ Today we're talking about something that impacts every single one of us, how we show up when things feel heavy, overwhelming, or just a lot. And the voice you're about to hear might sound familiar because she's been here before and she's also one of my favorite people to have these conversations with. My good friend and holistic coach and bodywork therapist, Portia Miller. Portia, I'm so happy to have you here. Portia: It is so good to be back. Thanks for having me back. Rosanne: Portia, a lot of leadership advice starts with mindset, goals, and strategy, but you come at it from a completely different angle. So what shifted your thinking about ⁓ where good decisions come from? Portia: I've watched many capable women, experienced women, make decisions that they would later regret. And not because they like the skill or the commitment, but because they were already running way on empty before the decision arrived. Now I've done it myself and I'm sure you feel the same way too. The impact shows up in your body first. It's that tight chest, the shallow breathing, your shoulders are up by your ears, and you can have the best strategy in the world. but you've got to address the physical impact first. Now the Army Master Resiliency Program, or MRT, shows that we can coach people towards clarity for the body and the mind, but we have to create the conditions for it to stick. We often think that we can think our way through regulation, but our muscles and our fascia, they store the stress that we can't get rid of, and it's going to take more than positive thoughts just to get rid of it. So through coaching and in my massage work, I often talk about the importance of physically moving the dysregulation through your body. And we say that the body keeps the score, but it doesn't really listen to pep talks. Rosanne: I love that the body keeps the score, but it doesn't listen to pep talks. I love that, Portia. Well, Portia, I know you have a workshop coming up about this. There's a pattern that you see in high achieving women where the harder things get, the more the women take on. So why do we do that? And why is it so difficult to see that happening in ourselves? Portia: No. Well, I'm thrilled to be able to bring this to AWAG this year. I'm going to be back in the AWAG bubble and this is one of the workshops that I'm presenting. So we do that, we take things on and we keep doing it because it feels like we're getting rewarded. So you become the person that holds it all together, the dependable one, the reliable one, but somewhere along the way that then becomes your identity. And stopping or putting things down feels dangerous. So it might look like strength from the outside, but honestly, it's just a really powerful coping mechanism that's been running for so long in your body and in your mind that nobody questions it, not even you. Now I do something, I know, I do something in the workshops where I ask women to get really honest about their capacity. So I ask them to write down everything they're actually responsible for, actually responsible for. and then everything that they have taken on or carried held for other people. And that second column is usually the longest. And we don't really think about it this way often. So when we realize that we've been carrying things that were never actually meant for us, something starts to shift and we start to think about, you know, how can I really honor my capacity and carry the things that only I can carry? Rosanne: really hits home. You're right. We're so quick to do stuff for everyone else and neglect our needs first. So I could see that's going to be a very popular workshop at, can you tell everyone what AWAG stands for? Portia: I can. So it's Americans working around the globe and it's a fantastic organization that I have been a part of for a number of years and you've been a part of this organization for more than that. They provide personal professional development and community for military card holders around the world. It's mostly in Europe, but it's the things that we can't get when we're stationed at OCONUS Rosanne: Absolutely. And OCONUS of course stands for Overseas, People Who Are Stationed Overseas, specifically in Europe for this one. Portia, this is kind of off the cuff, but what are you excited about about speaking there? what does it feel for you to be a speaker, to be invited to speak at AWAG? What does that mean to you? Portia: certainly. Overseas. Yes, overseas. Ugh. Well, it's kind of a full circle moment for me because I've been a scholarship awardee, I've been an attendee, and I was the program director for a year. So getting to see how all the magic works behind the curtain is fantastic. But this year I'm back to deliver three workshops and a speech with one of my favorite speakers, two of my favorite speakers. Rosanne: That's awesome. I'm so excited to be speaking at AWAG this year as well. I love the energy. I love the people. I love going to the workshops. Even as a speaker, I'm so excited to be bringing, you know, my, my knowledge and my energy to the audience, but I absolutely love going into some of the other sessions and getting, ⁓ I feel like my gas tank is just so full. when we go there. So it's just, it's an exciting time at the end of April every year. So Portia and I get to celebrate our birthdays. Portia's is on the 15th, mine is on the 29th. So we're April birthday people. And so we're really excited to be there. But I have another question for you. Excuse me, let me cough. I'm gonna cut that out. Portia, I have another question. Hold on here. Portia: Go ahead. Hang on. So before you cut that out, right, we've got to say that it's the 70th anniversary. So. Rosanne: ⁓ yeah, we'll do another one. was thinking we could give that clip to Haley. Yeah, we'll see. We'll see how it turns out. We'll see. Okay. Next. Okay. And three. Oops. Sorry. Okay. For sure. You give people something that they can use in the middle of a hard moment and not when everything is calm, right in the middle of the hard moment. What does that look like? I'm curious. Portia: ⁓ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. I feel like we probably need it here to reset, but this is a great one to reset your nervous system. So it's super quick. You're going to put your feet flat on the floor. You're going to breathe in for four counts through the nose. You're going to breathe out through the mouth for six. As you do that, you're drop your shoulders. And when you're done, you're gonna find three neutral things that you can name, a door, a window, a fan, your shoes, and that only takes 90 seconds. So here's the science. Your amygdala, your hijacker, has sensed a threat and whether that is real or perceived, it takes over your rational brain. Well, that long exhale, It's not just calming, it's actually signalling your nervous system that there's no threat and that you're safe. And the moment that your body actually believes that, your prefrontal cortex or your actual thinking brain comes back online. and she's in there. Rosanne: I actually feel more calm even just taking that breath. It's not even 90 seconds everyone. Sometimes even just that one breathing in is so powerful. You're so powerful. Well, you said before that it's not the pressure that breaks people, it's something else entirely. What is it and where did that realization come from for you? Portia: It's the isolation. So it's feeling like you have to keep it all going on your own. So I've moved more times than most people would choose. I've been the new person, the one starting over, the one figuring it out quietly and not so quietly because asking for help felt like admitting that I wasn't capable. And this is true of so many high achieving women. You get good at handling things because you have to. Right? I mean, you know, you know yourself, but there's a difference between being capable and having to carry it all alone. And what I've seen over and over is that women who've navigated sustained pressure well, aren't the ones with less on their plate. They're the ones who've built that super solid support system and they reach out to it before they're burned out, not after, right? The key is when you reach for support. So we don't wait until the house is on fire before locating the ladder. you Rosanne: Wait, you mean we have to wait until the house is on fire? We don't have to wait until the house is on fire? Portia: No, no, we don't. We don't need to wait until everything is burning around our ears to queue up our support system. And you know, we've got those people who you know you can depend upon. But when you're moving so often, you don't necessarily have that in real time, in real life on your doorstep. And that whole showing up with a plate of cookies and, ⁓ hi, I just moved in next door. Will you be my emergency contact? It's not going to cut it. You need to actually physically build those relationships before you need them. Rosanne: 100 % Yeah, Portia. I think that this is something that people need to hear as well. Just that reaching out and asking for help and building that community too before the house is burning down everyone. Oh my gosh. Okay. So Portia, someone's listening to this on their commute right now. They've got a full day ahead. Things already feel heavy. What's one thing you want them to do before they walk through the door? Portia: It's that magic 90 second reset. So flat feet, four counts in, six counts out, shoulders down. And that might actually feel uncomfortable pulling your shoulders away from your ears. But then, you you'll get used to it, I promise. After that, you're just going to name three things and it brings that threat level down. And so your thinking brain can come back online. And that's it. Honestly, it's 90 seconds. Everybody can spend 90 seconds. I think the line that I keep coming back to is that calm isn't the absence of chaos. And we all have lives that have chaos from time to time. It's the ability to stay grounded when everything around you is on fire. And that's a skill that we could all practice. Rosanne: Hmm, calm is the ability to stay grounded. Portia: Yeah, yeah, it's not the absence of chaos. Rosanne: Yeah. You know, I do think that we think, we think that that's what calm is. know, being calm is everything's off your to-do list and there's no chaos, but it's really just being grounded. I like how earlier in the podcast you said too, to just even that breathing helps our amygdala realize that there's no threat and it helps our whole body relax. That's very, that's a powerful tip everyone. Portia: And it doesn't have to be a real threat. You we tell ourselves stories on loops in our head and we bring those perceived threats to the front of our brain. Sometimes all you need is a deep breath. Is this real? No, it's not real. And then your thinking brain comes back and goes, see, it's all okay. You can do this. mean, we can all do hard things. Sometimes we just have to engage the right side of our brain. to remember how to do them. Rosanne: We definitely need to have another podcast about the brain because you're right. I tell clients a lot to thank their brain for that unhelpful thought and literally just say, thank you for that unhelpful thought brain because our brain is hardwired to keep us safe. So when we want to do something that is uncomfortable or comfortably uncomfortable, we need to have a little talk with our brain. And Portia gave us some tips right there and sometimes it's not even a talk with our brain. It's simply. Portia: Yeah. Rosanne: Breathing. Well, this was a powerful, great conversation. I hope that you're walking away with something you can actually use today, everyone. Not later, not when things calm down, but right now. And I wanna just once again, repeat what Portia said. Calm isn't the absence of chaos. It's the ability to stay grounded when everything around you is on fire. And in our next conversation, Portia: that. Rosanne: Portia and I are gonna talk about something that I see all the time, which is about our personal brands and why so many people think that they don't have one. So we'll see you next time everyone and until then have a beautiful day. Bye bye everyone.