Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / 100% of the Time, THIS will Happen to Your Kids...

Transcript

100% of the Time, THIS will Happen to Your Kids... · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  Tough topic today, y'all. Tough topic, you know we do not
• 0:03
  steer away from tough topics. What happens to your kids, to
• 0:07
  your children when you leave a narcissist or when a narcissist
• 0:11
  leaves you? When a relationship with a
• 0:12
  narcissist or a toxic person ends, what goes on with those
• 0:15
  little big little tiny bundles of joy?
• 0:18
  What happens? If you're new here?
• 0:24
  My name is Lee Hammock. I'm a diagnosed narcissist and I
• 0:26
  give you an inside look at the mind of a narcissist.
• 0:30
  What happens to those kids when you decide to leave a
• 0:34
  narcissist? So this is tough to talk about
• 0:37
  y'all because so many people feel like they are stuck in
• 0:39
  relationships with narcissists because of the kids, right?
• 0:42
  And you hear this all the time. So many people say I stayed for
• 0:45
  the kids. I didn't leave because of the
• 0:47
  kids. I'm still here because of the
• 0:50
  kids. I'm afraid what will happen to
• 0:52
  my kids if I do decide to leave this toxic relationship dynamic.
• 0:56
  And I'm here to tell you that sometimes they could be an
• 1:00
  error, right? I'm not, this is not me passing
• 1:02
  judgement on some people or anybody, right?
• 1:04
  But sometimes they could be an error because you think staying
• 1:07
  for the kids protects them. A lot of times it ends up
• 1:10
  staying for the kids in the ends up doing more harm than good.
• 1:15
  It really does because so many times when you're dealing with a
• 1:17
  narcissist, like let's just say you, you stay in a relationship
• 1:20
  with a narcissist, 100% of the time y'all are together, that
• 1:25
  y'all living together, y'all cohabitating together, right?
• 1:28
  100% of the time your children are in toxicity. 100% of the
• 1:34
  time, I know that the other parent, you think you're
• 1:36
  protecting them, but 100% of the time those children are in
• 1:41
  toxicity. They are because this is a toxic
• 1:44
  abusive household. The narcissistic person is, is
• 1:47
  like they, they, the household is a black cloud because of the
• 1:51
  narcissistic person, because of the, the aura or the presence of
• 1:55
  the narcissist in the household. The household is kind of steeped
• 1:58
  inside of, is steeped in toxicity.
• 2:00
  So 100% of the time the kids are in a toxic environment.
• 2:04
  I know you protect them. You might step in for them and
• 2:06
  things like that, but the household is 100% of the time is
• 2:09
  like a toxic household, right? Because the narcissist is living
• 2:11
  there if they're on vacation or if they're at work, that's
• 2:13
  different, right? But 100% of the time that that
• 2:16
  narcissist is in the house, the, the household is toxic.
• 2:19
  People are walking on egg shells.
• 2:20
  Your kids feel like they are being covered up and sealed up
• 2:24
  and things like that. They, they feel like they can't
• 2:25
  express themselves fully. So 100% of the time they are
• 2:29
  stuck. So I'll say this right here.
• 2:33
  If you decide to leave a narcissist or a toxic person,
• 2:36
  right, you decide to leave. It gives your kids, like I said,
• 2:40
  the opportunity to at least have peace sometimes, right?
• 2:45
  Let's say you have split households.
• 2:46
  And let me start. Let me start right there.
• 2:48
  Here we go. Money.
• 2:49
  Everybody's situation is different.
• 2:51
  This is not me trying to say you need to get the hell out of
• 2:52
  there right now. Everybody's situation is
• 2:55
  different. Some people haven't worked in
• 2:56
  decades. Some people, you've been a stay
• 2:57
  at home parent for a decade. You haven't.
• 2:59
  There's no work history. You have no access to finances,
• 3:01
  your support system is non existent.
• 3:04
  I'm not judging y'all. I'm telling you, this is me.
• 3:05
  This is me just trying to wake you up and let you know what's
• 3:08
  actually going on, right? So this is not me passing
• 3:10
  judgement on those who cannot leave right now.
• 3:12
  Who this, you can't go to a shelter.
• 3:15
  There's so many different things, right?
• 3:16
  So this is for those right there.
• 3:18
  I had to say that because I wanted y'all to feel
• 3:20
  disrespected or just like I'm attacking, attacking y'all
• 3:22
  because I'm not right. I'm trying to empower you got
• 3:25
  it. Good.
• 3:27
  So if you do decide to leave, that means that the time that
• 3:31
  you, the time that the kids are not what they narcissist, right?
• 3:34
  The time that the kids are just with you, it means that the kids
• 3:38
  are getting 100% or getting at least 50% of some freedom,
• 3:43
  right? They're getting 50% freedom.
• 3:46
  They getting 50% of not being in a toxic household, not being in
• 3:50
  a toxic environment, they get 50% of the time.
• 3:52
  Or if it's 5050 custody, right, Y'all might, you might get more
• 3:55
  custody. You might be 7525.
• 3:56
  It might be they just might get every other weekend, right and
• 3:59
  some phone calls, whoever knows what the whatever it's going to
• 4:01
  be, but they get a break, right? And yes, they might have to go
• 4:07
  to the other parent's house. The male, female parent, the
• 4:10
  other parent, whoever, who, whoever they are, right?
• 4:12
  They might have to go to the other parent's house, but at
• 4:17
  least they get to come home and get some free time.
• 4:19
  They get to come home and get some peace.
• 4:21
  The kids deserve peace. They want peace.
• 4:23
  So when you leave a narcissist, they get the opportunity to have
• 4:26
  some peace when they're with you.
• 4:30
  And most, I know this doesn't sound fair, but most of the
• 4:33
  emotional labor in a, most of the emotional labor is going to
• 4:37
  fall onto you anyway. If you're dealing with a
• 4:39
  narcissist, most of the emotional labor is going to be
• 4:41
  on you. So it's just like you can't
• 4:43
  really do a name about that right there.
• 4:45
  Most of the emotional labor is going to fall onto you and
• 4:49
  there's really nothing that you can do about it.
• 4:51
  But that's a good thing because you get to emotionally reaffirm
• 4:55
  your children. So when you leave your
• 4:57
  narcissist, the ex or partner, whoever it is, if you decide to
• 5:00
  do that, you get to reaffirm your children every single time
• 5:03
  you see them. You get the, your kids feel
• 5:06
  emotionally safe. They have a safe place to go.
• 5:08
  They have a safe space to thrive in which most, a lot of people
• 5:13
  don't get an opportunity to do right.
• 5:14
  That's what happened. That's what goes on seriously.
• 5:17
  So if you're dealing with a narcissist, this is something
• 5:19
  you have to think about right here.
• 5:22
  At least they get some peace, but we're not together.
• 5:28
  But what else happens when you're not?
• 5:29
  When you decide to leave a narcissist, what else happens?
• 5:31
  What else could go on? Y'all?
• 5:33
  Your kids get the opportunity to thrive.
• 5:35
  I promise you, so many people when I, when I'm doing my one on
• 5:38
  ones over zoom, mental illness.net, so many people are
• 5:43
  telling me they leave when I'm, when I, when I left or when my
• 5:46
  narcissistic partner left me for the new supply.
• 5:50
  My kids actually felt better. My kids actually, I could see
• 5:55
  the, I could see the weight and the fear lift off, lift up, lift
• 5:59
  up off of my children. I could see that the kids
• 6:02
  actually felt better. They felt safer.
• 6:04
  They, they, they were more open, they were talking more, they
• 6:07
  were playing around more, they were outside of their rooms
• 6:10
  more, they were joking with me more.
• 6:12
  They were more kind, caring and kind, caring and compassionate.
• 6:15
  They were, they were loving me and I was loving them.
• 6:18
  We felt safe. We would, we grew, we grew
• 6:21
  closer together. They would say things like this.
• 6:23
  My son who was just, who lacked communication skills, who would
• 6:27
  not talk to anybody in the house.
• 6:28
  He's a chatterbug now. He was afraid to talk when the
• 6:32
  other parent was here because he would always get shut down.
• 6:36
  He would get told to shut the hell up or you're stupid or
• 6:38
  you're dumb. He would get chastised.
• 6:39
  He knew that he couldn't say the right that he knew that nothing
• 6:42
  he would say would be the right thing to say to my abusive
• 6:45
  partner or my abusive ex-husband or wife or not.
• 6:48
  So they'd just be, just be quiet.
• 6:50
  My daughter has now started to thrive.
• 6:52
  She wants to try out for cheerleading.
• 6:54
  She wants to do this. She wants to try out for
• 6:55
  basketball. She wants to play soccer.
• 6:56
  She normally just wanted to come home and sit in her room and
• 6:59
  read. She still reads, but she now she
• 7:01
  wants to go outside more. Your kids get the opportunity to
• 7:04
  thrive. They do.
• 7:06
  They really, really do. They get the opportunity to be
• 7:09
  who they really want to be, to live their dreams up.
• 7:12
  And this right here, I'll tell you this.
• 7:13
  These are the stories right here.
• 7:14
  They're really really kind of how do I say this, this right
• 7:20
  here, these relationships right here are the tough ones, right?
• 7:22
  These are, these are some tough relationships right here.
• 7:24
  Like when you're a narcissistic, when you when your parent leaves
• 7:30
  or the narcissist in the household is a step parent,
• 7:34
  that's rough right there, y'all? That's rough.
• 7:37
  When you bring somebody else into the household that's
• 7:39
  abusive, that is rough because your kids can start to resent
• 7:44
  you for bringing this new person in the house that's abusive to
• 7:48
  you and also them. Your kids can resent you.
• 7:51
  So that this was like with the stepparents, was your boyfriend
• 7:54
  or your girlfriend that you just met?
• 7:56
  Did you bring it to the house that's now trying to isolate you
• 7:58
  and ruin your relationship with your kids?
• 8:00
  You got to wake up to that right there.
• 8:03
  Don't let a stepparent or a new partner ruin your relationship
• 8:06
  with your children because they absolutely will.
• 8:08
  A narcissistic stepparent is are some of the most evil fucking
• 8:12
  people on the planet and I had to cuss right there.
• 8:14
  Some of the most evil people on the planet are narcissistic
• 8:17
  stepparents. Evil evil, evil.
• 8:23
  I got some stories for y'all in my real life.
• 8:25
  I ain't going to say that because I have too much respect
• 8:27
  for my my sister-in-law and them, but I got some stories.
• 8:30
  But my wife's, my wife's family, I got some stories, but that's
• 8:34
  part of it. So your kids get the opportunity
• 8:36
  to thrive and be themselves and grow, grow up.
• 8:39
  Your kids get the opportunity to reach their full potential.
• 8:42
  They get a chance to breathe and stretch their legs.
• 8:45
  But I will say this right here and this is right here is
• 8:46
  probably going to affect a lot of people.
• 8:48
  It's not always sunshine and rainbows.
• 8:51
  I know, I'm, I know I'm painting this image that the, that the
• 8:54
  sun out, the sun is out and your kids outside playing around,
• 8:57
  skipping and you get the sounds of the laughter like the kids
• 9:00
  are playing around when you leave.
• 9:04
  Sometimes they're Co parenting. It's going to be a tough
• 9:05
  journey. It is Co parenting is a tough
• 9:08
  journey. I'm not just shocked.
• 9:09
  That's why I just tell people before you leave, think about
• 9:11
  it. You have to make a plan because
• 9:14
  sometimes they're going to use your kids as leverage.
• 9:16
  Sometimes they will absolutely threaten to go to take you to
• 9:20
  court for custody, right? I was talking to my wife about
• 9:22
  this the other day actually that if you have a narcissistic Co
• 9:27
  parent right that is has not been involved in the kids lives
• 9:31
  at all. Even if y'all lived in the same
• 9:33
  house. So they don't know the teachers,
• 9:34
  the school, the teachers names. They don't know the allergies,
• 9:37
  they don't know the doctor's names, they don't know the
• 9:38
  birthdays, they don't know the middle names, they don't know
• 9:41
  nothing right. If they threaten you to take you
• 9:44
  to court for full custody, most times that is just a threat.
• 9:48
  They want to go from not being involved at all or for having
• 9:51
  one weekend a month to 24/7, 365.
• 9:57
  Does that make sense to you? You go from having all this free
• 9:59
  time, one weekend a month, 2 weekends a month to now you want
• 10:03
  100% custody. Does that make sense to y'all?
• 10:06
  So sometimes I would, I would just say, hey, call their bluff,
• 10:09
  but I know somebody I don't want to do that because they might
• 10:11
  actually be, as I said, sometimes in these spaces.
• 10:15
  So that's why I'm just saying, y'all, you are in a position of
• 10:17
  power. Don't let anybody else convince
• 10:19
  you otherwise. Please don't because you
• 10:21
  absolutely have the power, you have the strength, you have the
• 10:23
  ability to continue to move forward and to continue to heal
• 10:26
  and to continue to grow because you are you.
• 10:29
  I promise you, your kids give your kids the your kids to grow
• 10:32
  up. I feel like our children deserve
• 10:35
  to grow better than we did. I feel like they deserve every
• 10:37
  opportunity in the world. You know, even though some, some
• 10:40
  of our kids, they would get a, they be getting our nerves.
• 10:43
  I know they be getting on my nerves.
• 10:45
  I know I get it right, But they deserve every opportunity that
• 10:48
  maybe we didn't have, that you didn't have, right?
• 10:51
  So love them, love your children, love them babies and
• 10:53
  give them the least a chance at at thriving, right?
• 10:57
  I know everybody can't leave, right?
• 10:59
  So if you can't leave, make sure you're protecting your kids,
• 11:01
  make sure you're in there. You know, you see what I'm
• 11:03
  saying? Give me your kids.
• 11:04
  Hey, talking to your kids, making sure they they feel
• 11:06
  emotionally safe with you because even though you can't
• 11:08
  leave or you stuck with money, stuff like that, make sure that
• 11:11
  you're having conversations with your children to let them know
• 11:13
  that they are loved. Let them let them express
• 11:15
  themselves so they can feel emotionally safe with you,
• 11:18
  right? If you have, you can't leave.
• 11:20
  If you feel like you're stuck or you don't want to leave, some
• 11:22
  people don't want to leave, y'all, Hey, I'm not a judge.
• 11:24
  I'm not the judge. I don't try.
• 11:25
  I try my harder not to judge, right?
• 11:26
  Some people don't want to leave. You want to make it work.
• 11:28
  I get it right? I say my piece, click one of
• 11:32
  these videos on the screen right here to watch another video on
• 11:34
  the channel YouTube, pick one of the YouTube, say hey, this video
• 11:37
  is for you, mentalhealthis.net for my coaching, my courses,
• 11:40
  everything else and hit the subscribe button y'all and I'm
• 11:42
  out peace.