Latest / Made, Not Found / Everyone Doesn’t Have to Be Your Everything

Transcript

Everyone Doesn’t Have to Be Your Everything · Made, Not Found

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_02: You disappeared at a Christmas party.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_02: Everyone was leaving and said, Well, we want to say bye to your wife.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_02: And I said, I don't think she's feeling well.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_02: She's up in bed, and I knew you were just done meeting with the party.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't match my frequency and you're not willing to meet me at the depths of something, I'm just not really gonna invest time and spending time with you because it pleases me.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's a lot of effort for me in those relationships, and I'm at a point in life that I just rather not have them.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that might sound shitty, I don't mean it to, but I feel like I have to protect my energy.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so to hear you say that you have a trip coming up that you almost don't want to go to, it's almost like, are you the same person?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I wonder.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: I ask myself that sometimes.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Made Not Found.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: We believe the best lives aren't found.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: They're built.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: One real conversation at a time.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_02: This week I was, you know, I played paddle as I always do.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_02: Shocking.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_02: And um and I was talking to a couple of the guys, and all of us were talking about how important it was to us, which is kind of funny because it's just a game and something to do.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: How important playing paddle is.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_02: And when I started to think about it, I I was thinking about why it's so important.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_02: And I really think that like paddle has given me and maybe some of these guys like a social opportunity to build community in a setting that's like productive.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_02: It's you're getting your exercise in, you get to be social.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_02: It's not that long, so it's not like golf, it's not like going to the bar.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_02: And and it made me start to think about like we moved around a couple times, and we've had to be somewhat intentional about building community.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_02: And I used to think when I heard people talk about community, so I used to think it was a little bit cliche.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_02: And because I think community when you're younger, when you're growing up, kind of comes natural through school, through college, through you know, for me, a fraternity, you a sorority.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_02: We moved to Chicago, it was a lot of people that we already knew.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_02: But as you move when you're older, you have to be a bit intentional about it.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_02: And so it had me thinking, how do I prioritize building community and what role does it play for me and for you?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_02: And and you know, for me, I I was just thinking about that this week and I was thinking how, you know, you really do have to put some effort into building community.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_02: Like I've said to you before, when we first moved here, we were meeting all these people and we were always invited to go do things.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_02: And I said, like, if we s keep saying no, we're gonna stop getting invited.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_02: But it's hard to, it's hard to balance with you know, work and the marriage and kids, and um I I think you've been very intentional about building community, especially here in Miami.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I think it's interesting though, yes, and I think it's interesting to talk about community because maybe I'm wrong here, but when I think about growing up, nobody talked about community, and probably because we were from Ohio, people s tend to tend to stay in Ohio.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: So I feel like, you know, my family, for instance, they had my my mom had her sisters, she had church community.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so it wasn't something that you had to try to build with community because it was already kind of there.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've grown up around these people forever, you kind of have a built-in community, right?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I think I think it is a new thing for us to think about for that exact reason.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, my family's the same.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, we were just back at a a family wedding this weekend, and you know, my cousins as an example, they're in Youngstown where they grew up and they have a built-in community.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_02: They're occasionally new people, but I don't think it's like uh an intentional effort thing because there's such a solid base, whether it's your family or your friends that you grew up with.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: And they have each other, they don't necessarily need all these people to hang out with.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like they have each other and they enjoy each other and these they have amazing time together, and so it's already there.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but but for us moving a few times, it hasn't been, and I think it was it's different because we knew some people when we were in Chicago who had moved around a lot when they were younger, and to us that always seemed like a very difficult, strange thing, and I think they they changed our perception of it, saying it was great, and they you know knew how to build community and had built community in multiple places and had a lot of friends.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_02: So I think for me, when we moved to San Diego, I don't think I had that much thought around it.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_02: It was like a uh it was a time where I felt was family time.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_02: Our kids were really young, our third was born there.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_02: It was kind of a contraction of social circles there.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_02: We had a small circle.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: I think we also went there because you were healing from a toxic partnership, and so I think that the intention there was also like, let's just go and heal and get away from this.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think that it was a different time in our lives for a lot of different reasons.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but moving here to Miami, um, I remember when we first got here thinking, and I think we had the discussion that there were gonna be two ways for me to build community.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_02: One of those was gonna be through our school, which was a bit self-selecting.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_02: Like if you went to this school, you kind of had similar mindsets, and I think that's been a great way to build community because um you're you're similar in some way, and there's a lot of interesting people doing interesting things there, which I don't know would have happened anywhere else but Miami.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_02: So that's been a great way to build community, but the other was through joining a professional organization through YPO, and it's been great as well.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_02: And I still don't know if any of them have been as good for me as Paddle has.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, from an outsider's perspective, paddle has been amazing for you because I think that I think that watching you transition from a single guy into a married guy who's a father and trying to figure out how to have male friendships that are not toxic, that are not circled around, centered around going out, drinking, partying, getting girls, has been interesting, right?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think along the path you've had guy friends, but not a sense of community like you have now, where you get this whole group of guys who gets to come together, work really hard, be competitive, you know, have fun, and be with each other.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: And and you have all of these friends now in this amazing community over a shared, shared goal of, you know, playing paddle, which you guys are all obsessed with, which is amazing.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think it's been 100% the strongest community that you've had.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, you still have all these other communities.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: You're still part of YPO and you have a community there.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's just not, you know, it's interesting, it defined community, right?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, is that just your people that you're closest to, or is that anyone that you encounter and you are still involved in these other communities?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_02: I think well, I don't I don't think of it as just my uh people that I'm acquainted with.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_02: I think of it as people that I've gone uh developed a a decent relationship with.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_02: And I probably wouldn't have expected Padle to be the place that that would happen because you can show up and play and leave.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_02: Except for you end up doing that often, uh, three, four, maybe five times a week.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Or if you're some of your friends, like three times a day.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and there's time after it spent just you know chatting, and then you get to know them, and that becomes your your friend group.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_02: I remember um when my when my grandmother died, my grandfather, uh, one day he picked me up and uh or I stayed at his house, I think, and and I got to skip school.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_02: But we got up really early because we went to McDonald's, I want to say like 6 a.m.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_02: and he met all the guys, there were like five guys, and they would meet at McDonald's and have coffee, and then half of them would go down to the track in West Virginia and they'd bet on horses or or dogs, whatever was racing.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_02: And that was their like community.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_02: And it didn't it was cool, but it didn't make sense to me at the time.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_02: Now realizing my grandmother had passed away, he needed you need community around you.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_02: We're social creatures.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_02: And I think I I guess my point in all of this is like I underestimated how important that is, but I don't think you have, especially here in Miami.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_02: I think you have maybe even in San Diego too, have been very well aware of it and have been very careful about how you curate it.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, well, first of all, my grandpa's to go to McDonald's and do the same thing.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Just so funny and and awesome, because it's like good for them to find community and over having coffee.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um I think that I think it's interesting when you say that because in one hand you have more of a community than I have.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: I have a small group of very tight friends that I love and that I can share things with and that we're super close.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then I have the school community that I am involved in, but not as close, right?
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_02: So I think that Do you not consider your friend group your community?
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: I do, but it's small.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, really, like I mean, we there was like maybe f five of us at one point where we were pretty tight, and then there's been people moving and stuff, and so really it's like I have like two besties here, and those are my my best friends here, and those are my com community, but when you say community to me, it feels like it's a bigger network.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I I think there's a difference, and and I don't know that one's better than the other.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_02: I sometimes struggle with that.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_02: I appreciate that you have a small circle that you are very close with and go deep with.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_02: And I would say that's probably what I have lacked probably ever since I guess Chicago.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_02: Since we got married, I would say I've lacked a small circle that I would go deep with, or that I had like that type of relationship with.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_02: Um in a city.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_02: I had a a community, I had a lot of friends.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_02: Um but they were more casual, and I feel like that's changing for me.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_02: So that's maybe a bit different.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: I think that as a woman, I think first of all, we're all different.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like one of my best friends here has a million best friends here.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like she's just very social and has uh lives differently, and that's amazing too.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: But for me, I know now that that women, like we've talked about this before, like I process things very differently than you do, right?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: So when I'm struggling with something mentally or trying to figure something out or a mom thing or whatever it is, we can have a conversation and you have put that to bed and moved on.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just getting started.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: And so for me, I need those close female friendships so that I can have someone to talk those things through.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not looking for advice, it's just processing and having someone there that we support each other and that understand where you are in life.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so I would consider those my best friends, and I would say I do have a good community.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: And at the same time, I feel like I'm still part of other communities, but just at it on a different level.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: I think you can be part of community and not have that.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like I think growing up, I was we were very much a part of our church community, right?
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: And and we weren't close necessarily with those people.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you might see them outside of church, a very select few, but they're still you went there and they knew you and you felt welcomed and you you were part of the group.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: And so to me, it's part being part of the group.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean, I took a paddle, paddle, I don't know what to say.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: Let's go with paddle.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go with paddle.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: I took a clinic this past week and I was like, oh, I could totally see how you get this.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that I can, if I keep going back, I will have a paddle community as well, who will not necessarily be my best friends, but people that will know me there and that will know me in a different capacity maybe than my best friends.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_02: There there was a time though when you would almost vet someone right away as if they would be your best friend or not.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me more.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_02: And well, we we might meet someone and or or a couple or a group of people or whatever, and we might talk about the people that we met, and you might say, Yeah, but I don't know that we're gonna be best friends.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_02: And it was always comical to me because I never even start that way, like thinking that somebody and you automatically jump to that.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_02: Like they're either my best friend or they're not.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_02: And I feel like maybe for a time, if they weren't gonna be your best friend, it almost felt like a waste to invest any time in them.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_02: I don't think that you're there now.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: No, I think that that's fair.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: I think that uh that sounds super judgy.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I don't think you were judgy.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_02: I think you are very protective uh so here's my perception.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_02: You are very protective of your time, space, and energy.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_02: I am and you are never judgy and don't exclude people, but you won't um go above and beyond and make and make room, meaning invite them in, spend time, invest uh invest in them.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_02: If they I guess don't have the potential to be your best friend.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know, correct me.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so yes, except for I'm gonna I'm gonna say this differently.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I am a sensitive human who loves going deep, and I am terrible at anything but that.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how to have superficial, I don't want to have superficial conversations.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: I have no interest in it.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: I would rather be by myself, quite honestly.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is from what I've learned about myself, this is part of just who I am, human design, Scorpio, whatever it is, like I just know I am happy by myself, I'm totally fine by myself, or I want someone that like like our souls are connected.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: And anything in between there is just really boring to me.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: And so, yes, I can go out to dinner with whomever and make conversation with.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm curious naturally, and so I can easily get to know people.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: However, I don't think it's like a judgment because it's not like I'm like, oh, you're this, it's not that.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's like if you don't match my frequency and you're not willing to meet me like at the depths of something, then we're just probably I'm just not really gonna invest time and spending time with you because it depletes me.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's a lot of effort for me in those relationships, and I'm at a point in life that I just would rather not have them.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: And that might sound shitty, I don't mean it to, but I feel like I have to protect my energy because because I'm sensitive and because I'm an empath and because I get tired, honestly.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_02: I think it's actually the opposite.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_02: I think it's admirable because I'm the opposite.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_02: I can get pulled in every direction.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_02: I like everybody for the most part until you know, until I don't, and then I really don't, but um, and and everybody's got something interesting, and I can see how we would be friends, better friends in all these different ways.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_02: And I remember when we were in Chicago, one of our friends' girlfriend at the time was somebody who had moved around a lot and had made the comment to him, and it got related to me that she didn't understand you because you would opt out of doing group things, and you would uh you know, you were protective of your of your time, as you said, and I know, but she could not understand it because she was like investing in this group of of women, and how how could you just you know not do what everyone else was doing or or invest in it in the same way?
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_02: So I actually think it's it's actually admirable um because you will protect your time and something on on the way over here that we were talking about now with you know work and a marriage and three kids, which I enjoy spending time with.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, every minute away I think, is this what I should be doing or should I be hanging with our children?
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_02: One of, if not all of, at the same time.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_02: So I think it's admirable in that sense and something I try to get better at.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think that you need to get better at it.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's recognizing that we're just made differently.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like I think that you often will be in a room with a bunch of people that you don't know, and you can, not always, depending on where you're at, you can get energized by that.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: And if I'm in a deep conversation with someone, like I could go all day, like I get energized by that.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: But sitting around and talking about, I don't even know, the weather, honestly, politics half the time, unless it's actually like something where you can have an honest conversation, like it is so draining to me that I I can't do it.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't think it's right or wrong.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's just recognizing that they're both amazing and they're different.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: And luckily, we've been able to manage that in our relationship so that I'm not I've never been like, you need to stay home because I need to I need to stay home or I don't want to be with him.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, you do whatever you need to do, and you know, like I mean, even it would be entertaining at our house.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I would just be like, I'm done, I'm going to bed.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember actually talking to Siobhan about this, and she's like, Well, what about Chris?
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, he's fine, like he's happy, he's good, he can handle it, and he knows that like when I'm done, like I'm just done.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_02: You disappeared at a Christmas party, and and everyone was leaving and said, Well, we want to say bye to your wife.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_02: And I said, Oh, I I don't think she's feeling well.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_02: She's up in bed, and I knew you were just done with the the party at that point.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just done, and I know myself well enough.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Even sometimes we'll go out to dinner with people, and it can be it can be good enough where I'm enjoying myself, but if I find myself going to the bathroom and not wanting to leave the bathroom, I'm like, it's time to go home.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: But community is so important.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, if you know, I've heard the blue zones might be bullshit.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: I don't really know if they are or not.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: I've heard people, of course, is gonna be haters of everything, but I do believe that, you know, when you study people and what's important and what like gives you longevity and and health, healthy, meaningful lives, community is so important to that.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: And we all need connection and we all need community.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: I think it just like define community.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: For you, it might be a lot of people, and for me, it might be, you know, a couple, which by the way, I have like a couple close friends here, and I have a couple close friends from this part of life and this part of life, right?
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: So, but anyway, I think that it's like ask getting to know yourself well enough to know what do I need out of a community, what fills me up, what depletes me, and then deciding, you know, how you want to be intentional with your time.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_02: But it's it's also realizing what matters to you and and reciprocating.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_02: Like I I've realized recently, like I have a buddy who will shoot me a text every time he sees something that uh reminds of me of me, or like like a business, right?
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_02: He sees my my product and he'll shoot me a text about it, or and I'm like, oh, that's that's amazing.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_02: And it's not a big deal, but it is something that you need to reciprocate because it's all almost like being invited to dinner.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_02: And if you say no three times, they may stop inviting you.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_02: It's like if I don't respond to something, it's like they're gonna stop, you know.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I think that people forget that any relationship worth having takes work.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that, you know, that's why I am so adamant that I protect our date night.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm very protective of that time.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like we have date nights, and like I I want that because I know that in a marriage it takes it takes time, it takes effort, it takes like intention that hey, we're gonna show up for each other and we're gonna connect.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't do that for long enough, then you drift away.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that's any relationship.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't give it time and energy, it there's eventually you're so far that it's really hard to like pull that back in.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_02: It does take work.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I I'm going on a trip next week that part of me is excited about, it's somewhere new, and uh, you know, it's with some people that I know decent, some people I know a little bit better, some people I don't know at all.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_02: And at the same time, I'm finding myself like, I don't know if I want to go, but I know the you have to put the investment in, and it's it's worth it because I'm I know the value of community, not in a way I always recognize the the saying of like your your net worth is your network.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_02: That's what you hear in business, right?
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_02: Like it's not it's not what you know, it's who you know, those kind of things.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_02: And I don't feel like I've ever really been good at that.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_02: Like knowing the people just for what they can do for me or caring.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_02: Um if they're not people that I want to know, I just don't care what they can do for me, and I just rather I don't know, that just feels so superficial.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: I hate everything about that, and I think Miami can be very like that.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: There's so many interesting people, there's so many wealthy people, there's and so you can see it sometimes where there's people who are kind of like pooling on others and and it feels just misaligned.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that those people who are being pulled on probably feel it also because it's like vampires.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: They're sucking their energy.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think that you have a meaningful relationship when two people come and are at the same vibration or frequency or or with the same common goals, or I don't know, that and then and then it feels like an uplifting relationship, whereas um relationships can be draining and like we're too old for that.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_02: It's it's also though hard when you start over and build community at this phase, right?
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_02: Now we've moved three times.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_02: Uh big moves.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_02: And and each time it's a little bit harder in some ways, and I guess maybe easier in others.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_02: And what I mean by that is like when you're younger, you have you.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_02: And if you get along with somebody, that's great, and they become part of your community.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_02: If not one of your close friends, right?
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_02: And then as you get married and you have a partner, then it becomes there's there's two people, right?
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_02: That they have to essentially like get vetted through, and usually two other people.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_02: And so I may like somebody and you may not, or I may like somebody, you may like them, and we may not like their spouse, or whatever it may be.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_02: And then you add kids into the picture, right?
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_02: And so it's I've sometimes looked back at at Ohio and the scenario that we started with, where there's just this built-up community and everyone's hanging around and they go on vacations together and and look at that, it's like, wow, I wish we had that.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_02: And I think it's really hard to create as you get older.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_02: We have some great friends that our kids actually just don't hang out, you know.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: So many thoughts on that.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, first of all, we went back for my cousin's wedding and and she's lived essentially in the same area her whole life.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, give or take for college, but anyway, and they had a she has a group of friends of like nine women, and and they all went to like elementary school or high school, you know, everything.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: They've been friends for I don't even know, let's call it 20 years.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: And there was a small part of me too that was like, wow, I'm almost jealous of that.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I had that.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, there were six of us in high school that were super tight, and because we've moved around, I've lost touch with most of them.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, two of them, one of them still like my best friends, the other one, you know, whatever.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: But but I think that there's a cost to living life this way.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: And at this same time, I wouldn't change it because there's been so much personal growth and growth and and and and also I feel like I've come to the point where I now recognize that people in your life for different things, right?
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I I don't think it's for what they can do for you, but you can have, I can I can have friends that I play paddle with, I could have friends that I have a drink with every very blue moon, or that we go on, you know, couples, couple dinners with.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: And they could be my friends, but they're not like the my one person, right?
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: But that's okay.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that we need a lot of people to to create a community, and so all of those people play a part.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: It just they don't have to be your everything.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have everyone doesn't have to be your everything.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, there's a saying that I like it's people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_02: And there's very few that are in your life for a lifetime.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_02: Very few.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_02: And a reason means they come in and they may go out, and that's okay.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, which I think maybe was foreign for a bit.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_02: Well, if they're here and then they're gone, like what happened?
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_02: And a season, it might just be at an age, or we had we had commonalities that we no longer have for one of us or or the other person, but it's very few and rare that people are in in your life for a lifetime.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_02: And I think to realize that is um, you know, you can appreciate them more.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: Agree.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_02: And also not try to force everybody into that bucket.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I 100% agree.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: I think that that was foreign for a long time.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: You think that you have a friend and they're supposed to be your friends forever.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: And if you think back to, you know, my childhood friends, like I am not the same person really that I was when we were friends, and I imagine she isn't either.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: So to think that our relationship would be the same or to expect it to be is probably unfair.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: And you do appreciate the jewels of the people who, you know, are like I think they're your your soul sisters and soul brothers, and there's like they're part of your soul family, if you will, which is my woo-woo way of looking at life, but I believe that, and that that you know, like those are rare and so special.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I think those are also the people that are worth investing in.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_02: And I I had a good friend who who brought it up to me and and I thought it made sense.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_02: He's like, we cannot talk for two years, and as soon as we talk, we pick back up like it was, you know, like we never left off.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_02: And I think that's how you know who those people are, at least how I know.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I totally agree.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: But it's interesting your journey because in college you were so social and you had both a group of really close friends and you promoted parties, so you knew everybody.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so to hear you say that you have a trip coming up that you almost don't want to go to, it's almost like, are you the same person?
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I wonder.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_02: I ask myself that sometimes.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_02: I I mean, look, when I'm when I'm in it, it's totally different.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I know.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: You'll be happy, you'll be glad you went, you'll have a great time.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_02: I think there's also it's also around the expectations of the people there.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_02: So when when I go to, you know, an industry event like Expo West, there was a time where I was really energized and excited going in, and then there was a time where I started to dread going there.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_02: And I think it was because there was an expectation of I mean, it was work and I needed things, or people wanted things from me, or you know, we had to evaluate the return on our investment for that, and and it just felt draining, you know.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_02: And uh, and and that that's very different, but um, yeah, I don't know.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_02: I I still wonder, I've heard that people can change from extroverts to introverts.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_02: I wouldn't go that far with myself, but there are times where I just I well, you know me.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_02: I I will run at 110 miles an hour until there's the gas tank is on less than E.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_02: And then I crash.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_02: And um 100%.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: But instead of thinking it of it in a bad way, it's also from my perspective, a beautiful evolution.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because when I first was dating you, I was afraid that you would always be this guy that was gonna be at the club until until you're in your sixties.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: I remember there was a guy when we were in college who was like in his 60s and he would always be at the club.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I was legit like, are you gonna be that guy?
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't really know that that's what I'm hoping for, you know.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so you could look at it like it's a bad thing, but or you could look at it as you've grown and your priorities have changed and and you no longer need that.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I don't need that, but I d I think it goes back to the original point, but I still do need community.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_02: And so finding it in these different ways, uh, you know, and and some of them unexpected, being paddle, is super valuable.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_02: And and I don't think I realized how much I was missing it until it came back because there is a there is a part of me that looked at it and said, Okay, well now I'm married and now I have kids, and maybe that shouldn't be important.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_02: It still felt like it should be, right?
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_02: Or could be, but then I wasn't sure how to find it outside of you know the the old ways, and so to to rediscover it, I think is has been amazing.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's interesting though, if you think about community, it can be such a simple thing as going to the coffee shop and them knowing your name.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: And so when you think about it in in such a simple way, though, it also is a reminder of how we show up in everyday life is so impactful or can be impactful in someone else's day.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's times, you know, we work we work from home and which can be very isolating.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's very common now.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: Very common now, and so you can spend your whole day at how at your house with nobody.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so you're outing to the coffee shop when you run into someone you know, literally can like spark life into your day in a meaningful way where you're like, oh, you feel like part of a community, and maybe that community is just where you live, and maybe you don't even know that person's first name, but they are kind and they smile at you, and that's meaningful.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so in this transit world that we live in where so many people do work from home, I think it's just good to remember that to be kind to people and to realize like maybe you're part of their community without even realizing it.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_02: It can be just just the nod and the hello and or asking how their day is, uh, can be the interaction that they need for that day.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_02: I I think it's interesting of you in our commu in our actual neighborhood, our our community have become have built this whole community around around our dog.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's so beautiful.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_02: And I don't think it's it's the the great thing is it's nothing more than that.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's nothing more than that.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: And actually to that point, right?
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I have a 70-some-year-old friend who I adore and who um was brought us something on Thanksgiving, but I walk with her with our dog sometimes, and we talk about life, and there's a meaningful friendship there.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: And it's and it's beautiful, and there's no expectation, right?
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_00: I think that that's also something that in this phase of my life, like I prioritize you and the boys, and I really enjoy my work, and I need my alone time, and I want to work out, which is another thing.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_00: I have a gym community to some extent, which is meaningful.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I don't see them outside of the gym, but I feel known there, which is important to me.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_02: But that's not true you don't see them outside of the gym because you turned that gym into a community place for you, and then therefore for us as a family.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_02: And now one of the trainers came up to our son's football game the past two weeks in a row, which is amazing.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_02: And it's it's the example that I was that I was going to earlier of it's an investment, right?
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_02: And he's investing in us.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_02: We may have invested in him in some way, not even knowing it, but I think it's just a it's it's just great to in a pla in a big city, you know, Miami's a big city that's small enough that you can build these communities and it's super valuable when somebody, when you invest in them and they re reinvest back in you.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I think for people listening, it's I think that there's probably a good amount of people who are our age, who are have been busy working and raising their kids and don't necessarily have this friend group that's like this built-in community, right?
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: And so you think like, how do you even start to build a community?
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_00: But I think that the best thing is just to recognize that like wherever you are, you're already part of that community.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it just takes a little bit of outreach or just like being friendly.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like I just talk to people that's I'm walking my dog, and I just talk to people, and so I know all these beautiful neighbors, and and and that's all it is, but it feels very much like I am part of this community.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_02: And it might be one of your the favorite your favorite parts of living where we live now.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: I love it because of that.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like we live in this amazing city, but is also super weird, and Miami's transient, and it's known for nightclubs and you know, strip clubs and whatever else it's known for, you know.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then we have this pocket that is this lovely place that we can raise our kids where I feel like I have someone who, if I was in trouble, I could call more than one person and and they would show up for me or our kids.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: And and that means something to me.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: And also to know, like if our kids are out riding bikes or something, there's somebody that that knows us that's looking out, and that's really important to me.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_02: I I think it's also brought to light for me realizing how important it is when we recognize that others may not have it, yeah.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_02: Providing that when we can.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_02: Totally.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_02: And I and I think that's an important, you know, thought that I want our kids to recognize as well is like again, there's a lot of value in in what you just said, knowing there's somebody that you can call, someone that's there to help you out.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_02: And we're in a transient city where a lot of people are new here and they may not have that.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_02: 100%.
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_00: Or have family, you know, or you you you move somewhere new and it can be very isolating and scary and and you're out on your own.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_00: And and those friendships that don't require much except for, you know, very minimal, you know, showing up friendly with a smile on your face and a willingness to be curious about somebody else's life is really all that it takes.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_00: And then and then it feels like something bigger and more important.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, I think there's another aspect to community, which is when you are are a part of one and when there's value in not being a part of it anymore, or when there's interest in it.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_02: And and one thing that comes to mind for me is when when we lived in Chicago, we had never, since we moved away from our individual homes, been in a place where we did not have a large social network, a large community, right?
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_02: We talked about it in college, you build a huge network through fraternities and sororities, and and we moved to Chicago, which is where everybody that we knew moved, it was the big city near.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_02: And that started to add up in like social obligation at some point.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_02: And there were a lot of people in different phases of life, and it felt like it felt like maybe no one individual, but collectively, like maybe a weight.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_02: And I remember when we we moved to Miami for a winter with our six-month-old at the time, which seemed so crazy and scary.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_02: And I felt like there was a really big relief, at least for me, and I'd be interested for you too, um, of being away from all of that and actually just being us.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_02: And so it almost felt like an exit from a community.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_00: I think that we moved to Chicago after college.
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_00: We were still very much in this party mode, and so we were out all the time and and it was amazing and it was super fun.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_00: And then after years of doing that, it felt like it was time to move on, except that that's really hard when your friends, that's that's the foundation of your relationship.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think that leaving for even a small period of time gave us time to realize like, one, we're good on our own, like we like each other, we want to hang out, and we don't necessarily need all that, and it opened up all this time to like, oh, what do you what do we want to do?
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_00: And to be intentional with our own time.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I think i had we stayed living in Ohio or in Chicago, I think it's really a lot harder to reinvent yourself or to create different habits or to grow when you're in a group immersed in a group that maybe is not growing or changing.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_02: I mean it's it goes back to change is scary in every aspect, right?
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_02: And so changing your community or social setting or or community literally like where you live, yeah, are very scary things and also opportunities to kind of use the word you said to reinvent yourself in whatever way you you want.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_02: I uh you know, we talk about our son, right?
• 36:00
  SPEAKER_02: He changed schools this year, yeah, and he cut his hair before he went, and he started at seems like he started to care about like how he dressed and things like that, even though they have uniforms.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_02: And and it was a real like opportunity for us to reflect of it's a change of community, and now he can kind of create himself of whoever he wants to be, because these people are exposed to him for the first time.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, you had said earlier about expectations, and I think that sometimes when you have long-standing friendships, you you s come to expect certain things of how that relationship works.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so once you change that dynamic, it can be scary to change that dynamic because it will change the relationship.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_00: And you have to be willing to when you're growing and you're on a growth journey and you're you're committed to making yourself the best version you can be, you have to be willing to let go of friendships that are not on that same page, and that that's scary too.
• 36:59
  SPEAKER_00: But not all communities are meant to be forever, and so it's knowing that this is no longer serving me and lovingly and respectfully uh protecting your own time and energy if it's not serving you.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_02: Well, not all communities are productive, and I'll use an extreme example of my mom.
• 37:14
  SPEAKER_02: You know, when my mom uh grew up in Youngstown and she had built a her community, her network of of friends, and they were still growing up and partying and and all these things, and and that's all she knew.
• 37:29
  SPEAKER_02: And so when when it was clear that it was her time to get sober, going back to to that, being like, this was uh how we related and this is how this is what my community does, and was really hard and proved to be so difficult that she couldn't stay so sober.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_02: And I don't think that the reason that she stayed sober was because she moved, but I do think that when she decided to get sober and then moved to a new city, she built a whole new community around it.
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_02: And I remember at one point we were talking about do I ever worry about her relapsing?
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_02: And I don't anymore because her entire community, both in Chicago and here, is built on sobriety.
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_02: She almost wouldn't know what to do or where to go.
• 38:12
  SPEAKER_02: And I think that's a good illustration of the power of the community.
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's so interesting anyway, because I remember telling her in Chicago, I was like, this is amazing.
• 38:19
  SPEAKER_00: Anywhere, actually, I think it was when we moved to California, and she moved with us, and we were brand new in California, and I told her, I was like, AA is amazing because you already have way more friends than we have.
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_00: You go to a couple meetings and you have a built-in community, which is really beautiful because it's hard to start over and and to to find friends.
• 38:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not downplaying the fact that that was really hard for her to get there.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember you saying, like, she's gotta leave Ohio if she's like to get sober, and maybe she didn't have to stay sober.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_00: To stay sober, maybe she didn't have to, but I think it is an easier road because of that.
• 38:54
  SPEAKER_00: And you're right, she created this whole community that knew her as a different person than the people that knew her when she was using it.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I think there's also sometimes where you can recognize, and this can be hard, I think, to recognize that it's time to that you've outgrown a community, a network, whatever it may be, because you have to open up space for something new.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_02: And and what comes to mind for me is I just joined this new group that I told you about, and we had a meeting this week, and and I came home and told you, like, wow, this group is really gonna challenge me in the best ways possible.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_02: And and you know, I think it feels a little bit, it can feel scary to leave a community, to go to a new one.
• 39:37
  SPEAKER_02: It can feel it can feel selfish, you know, but but if it the right level of thought is put into it, I think it can also be so amazing.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_02: It could be the whole foundation for the next version of you.
• 39:49
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that is growth mindset, right?
• 39:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's like being uncomfortable and doing it anyway.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's such a silly example, but I was going to the paddle clinic this week and I was walking in thinking like I'm nervous.
• 40:01
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I don't know what I'm doing, and it's scary to do something new on your own.
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_03: Sure.
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I think recognizing I feel scared and I'm gonna do it anyway has been my motto over the last 20 years because because yeah, it's it's uncomfortable, and that is where growth continues to come from.
• 40:17
  SPEAKER_02: For sure.
• 40:18
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I th I think even this week has been a lot of uh, you know, we haven't been 100%, we've been a lot of like downtime at the house, and and I kind of realized like you have to push yourself to get out of the house, not when you're sick, but but it just was in my mind.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_02: Push yourself to get out of the house because that's where you build community connections and growth in general.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, 100%.
• 40:40
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 40:41
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I think like always, uh it's not the answer and it's not the end, but it's just the beginning.
• 40:46
  SPEAKER_02: And and so the conversation started around a question, which was how do you intentionally build community and what purpose does it play in your life?
• 40:54
  SPEAKER_02: And so we would invite you to to have that conversation and that question.
• 40:59
  SPEAKER_00: And we love, love, love hearing from you guys about uh conversations that our conversations have sparked.
• 41:05
  SPEAKER_00: So please continue to share.
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's uh what makes all of the negative comments worth doing.
• 41:11
  SPEAKER_02: So that's the fuel that makes us want to keep doing.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, so thank you so much.
• 41:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we'd love to hear from you guys.
• 41:17
  SPEAKER_00: Please uh share this and um follow along.
• 41:20
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.
• 41:21
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks.