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Who Am I Becoming? Finding Yourself Through Life's Biggest Transitions | The Boujee Multipreneur · The Boujee Multipreneur

• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, welcome back to the Bougie Multipreneur.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Dr.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Hillary.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're wrapping up our little series called Rebuilding While You're Still Living It.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: And we've talked about starting over.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: We've talked about the loneliness that can come with leadership.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: And today I want to talk about something I think sits underneath all of it.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: A question many of us ask during seasons of change, sometimes out loud, sometimes quietly in our head.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that question is: who am I becoming?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Not who was I?
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Not who did I used to be?
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Not did other people expect me to be?
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: But who am I becoming?
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: I think one of the hardest parts of major life transitions is that they don't just change your circumstances, they change your identity.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: And that's something I think we don't talk about enough.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: When people talk about change, they think about the visible things: a move, a new job, a business change, a financial change, a new season of life.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: But these are the things everyone can see.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: But underneath those visible changes is something deeper happening.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: You begin questioning who you are, you begin questioning what matters.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: You begin questioning what you want.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: And you begin questioning what success even means anymore.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, I think it's completely normal because growth requires reflection and growth requires evaluation.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Growth requires us to examine the things we may have been operating on autopilot for years.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know, it's just something I never thought of or planned, or even when I say it out loud, it's weird to me.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it might just be newer to me, but it's a whole new identity, I feel like.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm this mom on my own.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know, it's just something that I haven't quite grasped and taken in.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I do feel though that in my 40s, I'm like, what really matters, right?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, what do I want?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we're we're I'm through some lifetime now, and I really want to make the best of this.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: I really want to do what matters, what's really gonna fill my cup.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know if it's the whole divorce and life change, or is it age?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Something to think about.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: I guess I'm going through all of it all at once.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, one thing I've realized is that life has a funny way of teaching us lessons we didn't ask for, right?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like when we were younger, many of us had this picture of how we think life is supposed to go.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: And we have these timelines and expectations and plans, ideas about what success looks like and happiness will look like, ideas about what our future will look like.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then sometimes life doesn't follow those plans.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it does.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: I know that I'm a huge planner, and I also think about when I was in the 80s and 90s watching TV, you kind of looked at them, like the families on there, as what was normal, maybe, or what you thought was normal in the type of family you wanted growing up and the type of job you wanted growing up and what you would do in your free time.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um and then, you know, if we're honest, most of us have had an area of our life that has turned out differently than we expected, right?
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's your marriage, maybe it's your job, I don't know.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: But when it happens, we have a choice.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: We can spend all of our energy focusing on what didn't happen, or we can begin asking a different question.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: What is this season trying to teach me?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: I often say, like, what is the universe trying to teach me right now?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because every season teaches us something, even the hard ones, especially the hard ones.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the seasons teach patience, sometimes it teaches resilience, sometimes it teaches boundaries, it can teach um courage, they can teach us how strong we really are.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: The challenge is we don't usually recognize the lesson while we're in it, we recognize it later, and then we can finally look back and we can say, Oh, you know, time has passed.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Well, look at that.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I've learned.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like at the beginning of my season change and the hurricane in my life.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a real hurricane, though.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's just what I choose to call this irrationalness everywhere blowing up.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that what is this trying to teach me?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: But like in the moment, I'm not gonna say that.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm thinking like weeks, months later, like, what is this all trying to teach me?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Or, you know, if I can just stay strong, stay and be that good mother to my kids, be that good business leader, the friend, the daughter.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: What is this trying to teach me?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: And be ready to hear it and accept it, even if it's not what I quote planned, because I'm a planner.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: So um, I think the biggest identity shift people experience is like realizing they have outgrown an old version of themselves.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not a bad thing, but it can feel uncomfortable.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe in when when growth is positive, it can still feel like a loss, right?
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: I feel that.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: And you maybe you've outgrown certain relationships, maybe you've outgrown certain habits, maybe you've outgrown certain expectations, maybe you've outgrown a version of yourself that was built around keeping everyone else happy, or proving yourself, or playing small, or avoiding risks, whatever it is, growth often requires letting go of something.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: This reminds me of that stupid song, Let It Go, Let It Go.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: My daughter used to sing it when she was little, so cute.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: But this is where people get stuck because they're trying to carry old versions of themselves into new chapters, but not everything is meant to come with us.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Something served us in one season and doesn't belong in the next, and that's okay.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Not every version of you is meant to last forever.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Think about that.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: You're not the same person you were five years ago, 10 years ago.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Gosh, I just found a picture.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it would have been 26 years ago.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, that version of me, I didn't even remember half the people in that group picture, but I just laughed and thought of all the things I thought was so important 26 years ago.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I just laugh at that.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Uh just definitely I'm definitely not the same person I was.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Growth means evolution, growth means change, growth means becoming.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: One thing I wish people understood is that becoming isn't always comfortable.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes becoming feels like uncertainty or confusion, it feels like questioning everything.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Before clarity arrives, there's this period where things are messy, right?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: We don't know what's going on, everything's a mess.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: My head's ping-ponging around.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what's going on in life.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where many people are right now.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and that's definitely, I feel like I'm coming out of that, but I'm still in it.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's still my season.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's a messy middle, and that's where things are getting started because we don't know where we're going yet.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's just somewhere in between.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is in-between land of messiness, tornadoes.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: And if it's you, I want you to know something.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: That messy middle is not failure.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: The messy middle is part of the process, it's where growth happens, where strength is built, where resilience is developed and perspective is gained.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: I often look at some of these processes, this messiness as failure.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I, the first thing that comes to my mind when I think of my divorce is failure.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that's wrong.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just saying, like, that's how I feel.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm working on that right now.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: That it doesn't have to be a failure, that that part of my life is changed, that season's over with now.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: It was good season while I had it.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: And some things in that season aren't meant to come with me in the next season, right?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's where the perspective and the growth is coming right now.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm still figuring things out and learning from it.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean, we all have something, right?
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, one thing I've been thinking about is, you know, are people not having these seasons, right?
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, what if the season isn't happening to me?
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, what is happening?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I know that can count sound kind of weird, right?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: And cliche, but stay with me.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: What if the changes you're facing right now are preparing you for something?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: What if it's something great?
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: What if the lessons you're learning right now are necessary?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what is the universe?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: What's God trying to teach me right now?
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: What's this lesson?
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: What if the growth you're experiencing right now couldn't happen any other way?
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like it had to be slammed in your face over and over and over again.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: There was no other way.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying like every difficult thing is a good thing, and I'm not saying every challenge is fair.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, life is not fair, but I'm and I'm not saying we should be grateful for all the crap that happens and for all this pain, but I'm saying we could choose to find a purpose in it and we could look for growth.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: We could choose to be stronger because of what we've experienced.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's one of the most empowering choices we can make because it can shift us from victim to participant.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: I definitely do not like that victim mentality.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, we really have to watch ourselves.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we need to start asking, what can I learn from this?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: How can I grow through this?
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Who am I becoming because of this?
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: And if you have kids like I do, like what are we showing up as for our kids?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: This is a like a teaching lesson for them too.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: They watch every little thing we do, don't they?
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: They know everything and they go through everything.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, as I look ahead in my personal life, I don't have every answer.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know what every future chapter will look like, although I always wish there was a manual.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I don't know how every plan will unfold.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, neither do you.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: None of us do.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that's okay.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe certainty isn't the goal, maybe growth is.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the greatest growth happens during the seasons, and it doesn't have to be the easy seasons.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: It can be the seasons that challenge you, the season that stretch you and that force you to evaluate what matters.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: It could be the season that made you stronger.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I have a feeling that many of you listening are in one of those seasons now.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: And if it's true, I want to leave you with this.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Stop asking yourself only, what am I losing?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: What am I leaving behind?
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Why didn't it work out?
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, say, who am I becoming?
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because that question has the power to change things, the future version of yourself.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that these episodes have helped you or send them to someone that needs it.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Keep listening to the bougie multipreneur.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: I will not keep going on about the seasons.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: I swear.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: We got to get back to money making, right?
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Be a money magnet.