Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1269 - Mumming: Why Trying (and Failing) Still Counts

Transcript

#1269 - Mumming: Why Trying (and Failing) Still Counts · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: I've just finished reading a book and we're going to
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: talk about that book today on the Happy Families Podcast.
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: The book is called Mumming. It's by award winning podcast
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  Speaker 1: Victoria Vanstone, and we are going to get into a
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: couple of bits that really reached out and grabbed me
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: as I spoke with Victoria recently about her book, A
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: Year of Trying and Failing to be a Better Parent.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. Real parenting solutions every
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. Sometimes being a
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: mum is just hard work. I would love to read
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: so much stuff to you from this book, but I'm
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  Speaker 1: not going to. Instead, I'm going to ask Kylie, how
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: do you like being a mum? Not a trick question.
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  Speaker 1: You looked at me like, didn't see that one coming.
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  Speaker 1: I didn't forewarn you.
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  Speaker 2: You didn't know.
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  Speaker 1: Been a trying couple of days in our home.
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  Speaker 2: It has been a trying couple of days.
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  Speaker 1: We are the parenting experts apparently, But so Mumming, A
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  Speaker 1: Year of Trying and failing to be a bit of
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  Speaker 1: parent by Victoria.
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  Speaker 2: Vans Glad she only had a year of it. We're
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: coming on twenty five, and I'm oh, well.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: Oh well all right. So what we do most Wednesdays
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: if I have great chats with people, is we play
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: a sniffet just a preview of how wonderful my interview was.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: You and I talk about it, and then on Saturday
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  Speaker 1: we played the whole interview for you. That's what we're
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: going to do today. Because Victoria was just a treat.
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  Speaker 1: She was such a delight to talk to. I was
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  Speaker 1: talking to her about the book, like why write a
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: book about being a mum, And She's really clear, like,
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  Speaker 1: I don't really know who I am as a mum.
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  Speaker 1: It's really hard to be and I've just got three kids.
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  Speaker 1: So there's a lot going on in her home and
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  Speaker 1: her husband, poor John. She calls him just poor John
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  Speaker 1: because apparently she reckons she's a lot. And this is
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  Speaker 1: what she said about walking out who she is as
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  Speaker 1: she writes a book about being a mum.
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  Speaker 3: I find that we're living in a world where imperfection
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: isn't accepted. And I've found that embracing my imperfections whilst
• 1:55
  Speaker 3: writing and whilst being a mum has actually kind of
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  Speaker 3: been my superpower. As I've gone on along and learned
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: who I am as a mother, because I do think
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  Speaker 3: it kind of takes some training to work out who
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  Speaker 3: I want to be and who I actually am. And
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  Speaker 3: I think there was a point very early in the
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  Speaker 3: book where I was shouting too much, and it's a
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  Speaker 3: trait that's carried on throughout my family. No, my mum
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  Speaker 3: shouted at me, and now I shout at my children,
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  Speaker 3: and I hear my mum's voice ricocheting around my house,
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  Speaker 3: and I realized that I didn't want to be that person.
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  Speaker 3: So this book is about that journey, about me trying
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: to become the mum I thought I wanted to be.
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  Speaker 3: But actually it was so interesting writing it because I
• 2:32
  Speaker 3: was trying to do better, But the point kind of
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  Speaker 3: got lost along the way because I didn't really get
• 2:38
  Speaker 3: that much better. But that was okay.
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  Speaker 2: I love this idea of being able to embrace our shortcomings.
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  Speaker 1: I think even if you're a shouting mum who swears
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  Speaker 1: a little bit too much.
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  Speaker 2: I think that there's so much perfectionism within society and
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  Speaker 2: this need to have the perfect life, the perfect family,
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: and there's such a need to be seen to having
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  Speaker 2: the perfect family, the perfect children, the perfect husband, the
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: perfect home. There's just so much perfectionism squashed into our lives.
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  Speaker 2: And I love how real she is and just acknowledging
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: that once I'm able to embrace who I am, there's
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: actually real power in that, because then I get to
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  Speaker 2: decide whether or not I like who I am, and
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  Speaker 2: I can actually act from a place of power.
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  Speaker 1: Identity is critically important. Victoria is remarkably self aware and
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: extremely honest. I would say that she is extremely human.
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  Speaker 1: She's so human if I'm perfectly honest, I'm not into
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  Speaker 1: reading these kinds of parenting memoirs. I just it takes
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: a lot to pull me in, and I read so
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  Speaker 1: many parenting books.
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  Speaker 2: Now. I was pretty shocked when I saw it on
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  Speaker 2: your bedside.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and yet she says things like I haven't always
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  Speaker 1: been a shower. Before I had children, I had nothing
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  Speaker 1: to shout about, so perfect or she says deep inside
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  Speaker 1: me somewhere as the mother, I wanted to be the
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  Speaker 1: one that Niels holds shoulders, looks at children in the
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  Speaker 1: eyes and says softly, Now, Fred, we're on the same team.
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  Speaker 1: We can figure this out together. Let's go on a
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  Speaker 1: treasure hunt and find your mysterious lost shoe. I know
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  Speaker 1: she's there, but like the shoe, I can't find her.
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  Speaker 1: She's been replaced with the cheaper version, a worn out substitute.
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  Speaker 1: It wasn't meant to be like this, Mumming. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: that's so good. I just I'm getting goosebumps reading it.
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  Speaker 1: The prologue. It all started by the side of a road.
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  Speaker 1: She's six, she's in the UK. Her parents have taken
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  Speaker 1: the family on a holiday to France where they go camping.
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  Speaker 1: They fill up the car, they forget that the kids
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  Speaker 1: aren't in the back, and they drive off and leave them,
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  Speaker 1: and they are gone for an extended period of time,
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  Speaker 1: like a long time, no mobile phones, nothing, And she
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  Speaker 1: just says, I knew. I knew that, in spite of
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  Speaker 1: my parents obviously imperfection, that they were going to come
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: back for me. I knew they'd come back. I'm getting
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  Speaker 1: weepy just talking about it, because that's what parents do.
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  Speaker 1: And reading this book, Mumming year of trying and failing
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  Speaker 1: to be a better parent, it highlights that as long
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  Speaker 1: as you're trying, you're not actually failing.
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  Speaker 2: I remember a conversation I had with our family doctor
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  Speaker 2: back when one of our children was diagnosed with the
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: most severe dust allergy that I've ever heard of, And
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  Speaker 2: as a parent at the time, I was thinking, I
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  Speaker 2: got to put her in a bubble, like, I don't
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  Speaker 2: know how to do this. There is dust everywhere, literally,
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  Speaker 2: like our entire environment. No matter how much I keep
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  Speaker 2: this clean, she's surrounded by it. And he looked at
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  Speaker 2: me and he just said, Kylie, He said, you will
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: do more damage to your child if you spend all
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  Speaker 2: your time being so anxious about making sure she has
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  Speaker 2: a dust free environment than just acknowledging that it's there
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  Speaker 2: and you are going to do the best you can,
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  Speaker 2: but at the end of the day, you can't remove it.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: After the break, a heart stopping moment literally that almost
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: led to one of Victoria's children not being with us anymore.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: She tells the story so sublimely well, and it is.
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  Speaker 1: It's one of those earth shattering moments. It happened while
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  Speaker 1: she was writing the book, so it went into the book.
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  Speaker 1: I can't wait to share with you what she had
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  Speaker 1: to say about that.
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  Speaker 2: It.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: Okay, this one's pretty hard to listen to. But when
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: I was talking to Victoria Vanstone about her book Mumming
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: A year of trying and failing, to be a better parent.
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  Speaker 1: She wrote this, and I'm just going to read like
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: a page page in a half. Then I want to
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  Speaker 1: play to you what she had to say about it.
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  Speaker 1: She says, June, We're in a camp of van on
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: a road trip in Perth when the worst day of
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: our lives unfolds. His lips are blue. He's not breathing.
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  Speaker 1: After a picnic on a quiet beach, the kids scare
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  Speaker 1: a lolly each as a treat. I thought nothing of it.
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  Speaker 1: I hand them in the packet and strap them into
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  Speaker 1: their car seats. I get in the front seat. John
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  Speaker 1: starts the engine and we pull away. The next sound
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  Speaker 1: is not a sound any mother should ever hear, the
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  Speaker 1: sound of their child unable to get errand of their lungs.
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  Speaker 1: I turn around to see Fred mouth wide open, gasping
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  Speaker 1: for air. Stop the car. I owner my seat belt
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  Speaker 1: and lurch into the back to un do his seat
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  Speaker 1: belt and pull him upward into my arms. He's choking John.
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  Speaker 1: I turn him upside down and hit his back. Do
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  Speaker 1: a Heimlich maneuver, but nothing comes out. John pulls up
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  Speaker 1: the handbrake and climbs into the back of the camp
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  Speaker 1: of van. I'm thumping Fred's back, but his body is floppy,
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  Speaker 1: hanging over my forearms, lifeless like a rag doll. He
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  Speaker 1: can't breathe, it's not working. Give him to me. Our
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  Speaker 1: eyes meet as I hand him over. We both know
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  Speaker 1: our son is dying. Run out onto the street and
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  Speaker 1: shout for help. Run go now. I watch my husband
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  Speaker 1: fold Fred's limp little body over his lap and bang
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  Speaker 1: his back. I don't look for my phone no time.
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  Speaker 1: I'm moving towards the door. I can't reach the hand
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  Speaker 1: or quick enough. I burst through the side door of
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  Speaker 1: the van into the sunlight and find myself on an
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  Speaker 1: empty street in the town of Geraldson. Noise is coming
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  Speaker 1: from me, but it isn't talking or shouting. A rough,
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  Speaker 1: rasping cry for help heaves its way up and out
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  Speaker 1: of my mouth. Terrifying, terrifying. She goes on to talk
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: about what happens and how he does survive. Here's what
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  Speaker 1: she said about love, loss, life, and not being able
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  Speaker 1: to control everything.
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  Speaker 3: It is learning that my love means risking loss. I think,
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  Speaker 3: I think that is part of having children, and I
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  Speaker 3: never realized that before I had children. I thought, well,
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  Speaker 3: you have them, and they grow up and you teach
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  Speaker 3: them and you hope for a good life, and you,
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  Speaker 3: you know, teach them to be good or bad and
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  Speaker 3: what's right and wrong. And then there's some things you
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  Speaker 3: can't control. And I think that's what it's taught me,
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  Speaker 3: is that I can't control everything, and there's points where
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  Speaker 3: you have to try and let them go a little bit,
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  Speaker 3: and you have to stretch that umbilical cord much further
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  Speaker 3: than you wish to, and that is really confronting and
• 8:39
  Speaker 3: happens in different stages throughout parenting. For me, it's happening
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  Speaker 3: now because I've got a thirteen year old son who
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  Speaker 3: wants to go to the plaza on his own, and
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  Speaker 3: they're always I'm always being stretched and tested as a mum,
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  Speaker 3: and it's me trying to learn how to accept those
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  Speaker 3: stretches and step into them without fear, which for me
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  Speaker 3: sometimes takes some therapy. I'm going to be one hundred
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  Speaker 3: percent honest with you.
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  Speaker 2: I didn't think i'd say this, but I really want
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  Speaker 2: to read the book now. She's got me cooked. This
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  Speaker 2: idea that love means risking loss is so profound in
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: a totally different way watching one of our children navigate dating,
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  Speaker 2: and that she's so scared to let herself actually open
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  Speaker 2: her heart up because she might get hurt.
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  Speaker 1: I'm guaranteed when you're a teenager.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, And it's the same kind of thing, right, You
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  Speaker 2: can't you can't have one without the other. And the
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: idea that we are going to love so fiercely. We're
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: going to love so fiercely these little human beings that
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: come into our lives and at some point they're either
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: going to make decisions we don't want them to make,
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: or they're going to fly the coop and end up
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  Speaker 2: on the other side of the world and we don't
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  Speaker 2: get to see them every day, or tragedy hits and
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: they're not in our lives in the way we'd like
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: them to be. It's inhabitable that we will experience a
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: sense of loss if we're open to loving.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a wonderfully human book. It's just a delightful read.
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  Speaker 1: The book is called Mumming. It's by Victoria Vanstone. We
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  Speaker 1: will link to it in the show notes. Just a
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: quick language warning for those who have sensitive is there's
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: a couple of moments to bleep out there. But what
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  Speaker 1: a delightful book. I'm so glad that I love a
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  Speaker 1: good memoir. And it really was a delightfully funny and
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: beautifully embracing memoir. Victoria Vanstone mumming. Details for the book
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: are in the show notes, and if you want to
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: hear the full conversation with Victoria, tune in on the weekend.
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: We're going to drop the full interview on Saturday. The
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: Happy Famili's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland for Bridge Media.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: More information and resources to make your family happier, you'll
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: find it at happy families dot com. Dol A