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An Unlikely Affair: Lala is Done Being Dicknotized! · Untraditionally Lala

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Hi Amber, Hi Lolah. Welcome to an Unlikely Affair.
• 0:08
  Speaker 2: Good morning everybody, and welcome to another episode of an
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: Unlikely Affair.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Hello Laala, Hello gorgeous.
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: You know, I was thinking about something the other day,
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: and I think we were talking about it too. You
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: know how like we think things are supposed to be
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: one way and it ends up being something else, and
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: it actually just limits us our thinking, our being, our existence.
• 0:36
  Speaker 3: I don't know, maybe this is way too deep.
• 0:38
  Speaker 4: No, it's not too deep at all, and it actually
• 0:40
  Speaker 4: rings true in every aspect of life, things, personal, dating.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, this show literally exists because something very unusual. I
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: was the wife, You were the beautiful mistress.
• 0:55
  Speaker 4: I love that the word beautiful has been added before mistress, wonderful.
• 1:01
  Speaker 4: Are you just a mistress or are you a beautiful mistress?
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: Which box do you check?
• 1:09
  Speaker 3: But look at what we did.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: We made.
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: We chose growth over staying stuck in these stories, these identities.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: And then we started talking about dating and how maybe
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: that's the issue. Like we all have our stuff and
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: that's obviously very real and we're all healing. But what
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: if there's this idea of maybe finding your person is
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: just about logistics, Like what if your person isn't in
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: your neighborhood, in your radius of where you live, and
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: what if they're a state over And I've really been
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: thinking about it.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: There across the country. What if you just never know?
• 1:45
  Speaker 4: Well, it's true though with like the dating apps, granted
• 1:48
  Speaker 4: with those you can pick and choose the radius, but
• 1:52
  Speaker 4: I mean people meet online all the time, and then
• 1:56
  Speaker 4: logistics come into play, and it goes back to what.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: You were saying about limiting ourselves.
• 2:03
  Speaker 4: And it's just a fact that dating in a city
• 2:06
  Speaker 4: like Los Angeles and New York, it's just a little
• 2:08
  Speaker 4: bit tougher, it's a lot, a bit tougher.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: So sometimes you do have to outsource.
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: We just have to expand our thinking just a little bit.
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: So of course, my iPhone obviously heard everything that I
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: was saying, because that's what happens. And I, you know,
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: my feet is a lot about relationships, along with really
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: cute animal videos and how to raise teenagers. But I
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: found this woman who's an amazing therapist and I'm so
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: excited to have her on today. Her name's Melissa Thompson,
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: and she has had firsthand experience with long distance relationship
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: in her now marriage that she met her husband, but
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: she talks about structures and boundaries and how to keep
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: connections alive and real. And I'm so excited to talk
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: to her today.
• 2:53
  Speaker 4: This one's going to be good. This is going to
• 2:54
  Speaker 4: be great. I'm so happy that she came on to
• 2:56
  Speaker 4: your for you page, and immediately when you sent me
• 2:59
  Speaker 4: that video where she talks about like the long distance
• 3:03
  Speaker 4: and things like that, I just I want to pick
• 3:04
  Speaker 4: her brain so badly. So she here, she's ready to go,
• 3:08
  Speaker 4: let's bring her in.
• 3:10
  Speaker 5: Hi.
• 3:11
  Speaker 6: Hello, Hi, Wrissa.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: How are you so excited to have you?
• 3:16
  Speaker 6: Thank you?
• 3:16
  Speaker 3: I'm doing well.
• 3:17
  Speaker 6: I'm doing wow. How are you both good?
• 3:20
  Speaker 4: I mean, I have zero complaints. I am so thrilled.
• 3:23
  Speaker 4: So your page popped up on Ambers for You Paige,
• 3:26
  Speaker 4: and she sent me one of your videos and it
• 3:29
  Speaker 4: was about how to make a long distance relationship work. Yes,
• 3:33
  Speaker 4: I immediately said, I have to talk to her. We
• 3:36
  Speaker 4: have to talk to her. So thank you so much
• 3:38
  Speaker 4: for taking time for us this morning.
• 3:39
  Speaker 7: It is so appreciated.
• 3:41
  Speaker 5: Yes, you're more than welcome. I'm so thrilled to be here.
• 3:43
  Speaker 5: I'm glad it pops up on your page.
• 3:45
  Speaker 7: That's awesome.
• 3:46
  Speaker 3: Yeah, me too.
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: I want to just start out and just can you
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: tell everybody what you do and just your background and stuff.
• 3:53
  Speaker 3: So I feel like that's like a really good place
• 3:55
  Speaker 3: to start.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 3:56
  Speaker 4: Sure.
• 3:56
  Speaker 6: So I'm Melissa Devars Thompson.
• 3:58
  Speaker 5: I am a license marriage and family therapist. I have
• 4:02
  Speaker 5: a group psychotherapy practice in New York City and we
• 4:07
  Speaker 5: work with individuals, but we primarily specialize and have extra
• 4:10
  Speaker 5: training with couples and couples therapy.
• 4:13
  Speaker 3: I love that.
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: I was just talking about New York and how crazy
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: it feels like dating in these cities. Is there's so
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: many people? What is there eight million people? Oh in
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: New York?
• 4:24
  Speaker 5: Oh?
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And I've lived there and I have that experience
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: of feeling like it is so lonely.
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: How is this possible?
• 4:31
  Speaker 4: I know?
• 4:31
  Speaker 5: And you know what's interesting, I hear people say I
• 4:33
  Speaker 5: don't know whether it's better because I've lived in San
• 4:35
  Speaker 5: Francisco when I was single, I've lived in New York
• 4:38
  Speaker 5: and I just feel like, sometimes is it better or
• 4:40
  Speaker 5: worse to be in like big cities with like tons
• 4:42
  Speaker 5: of people and feel lonely? Or is it better to
• 4:44
  Speaker 5: be in like small communities and feel like there's no one?
• 4:47
  Speaker 5: Who am I going to date?
• 4:48
  Speaker 7: Go anyway.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: It could go either way.
• 4:50
  Speaker 4: Because I'm based in Los Angeles, I amber just recently
• 4:55
  Speaker 4: moved to Bozeman, Montanna.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: There's a lot of people.
• 4:59
  Speaker 4: But I'm telling you when you go out and see
• 5:01
  Speaker 4: your options, and it's not me insulting the men in
• 5:04
  Speaker 4: LA because you know, we should all be doing what
• 5:07
  Speaker 4: we want to be doing. A lot of men they
• 5:09
  Speaker 4: don't want just one partner. It's like these big cities.
• 5:13
  Speaker 4: It's like how there are kids in a candy store
• 5:16
  Speaker 4: and so many people moving out here day in and
• 5:19
  Speaker 4: day out, and fresh meat all the time. It's extremely
• 5:23
  Speaker 4: hard to find your person in a large city.
• 5:26
  Speaker 3: It is that.
• 5:26
  Speaker 5: I think online dating hasn't helped that. On one hand,
• 5:29
  Speaker 5: it's been helpful because there's sort of all these apps
• 5:31
  Speaker 5: now that you can just swipe, swipe, swipe. But on
• 5:33
  Speaker 5: the other hand, I think people feel like, well, if
• 5:35
  Speaker 5: I don't like this little thing about you, next you know, swipe, swipe, swipe.
• 5:39
  Speaker 4: Oh.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: So you think it's made people become more picky.
• 5:43
  Speaker 5: I think it's made people feel more like relationships are
• 5:47
  Speaker 5: a little bit disposable, and if I don't like this
• 5:49
  Speaker 5: one thing about somebody, I don't have to work that hard.
• 5:52
  Speaker 5: Let me just go back on the app and find
• 5:54
  Speaker 5: somebody else.
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and also not to mention and this is not
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: a dig on men, but it is a date on men.
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: They don't know how to set up a profile at all.
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: Their photos are not Like as women, I feel like
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: we're blessed, Like we have that ability to know what
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: angles look good, you know, we care about that.
• 6:14
  Speaker 4: Stuff, what level of Hollywood filter on the face app
• 6:19
  Speaker 4: we should use.
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: Or not use, like use I already know when I
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: go out with La La, I know her good side,
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: so I am definitely going to be on the like
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: I am giving, you know, taking one for the team.
• 6:30
  Speaker 3: Because she has her good side.
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: But no, honestly, like, I feel like men have really
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: struggle with their dating profiles and it doesn't necessarily highlight
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: how who they are or if they're not emotionally available.
• 6:42
  Speaker 5: The part that I have a hard time with that
• 6:45
  Speaker 5: I hear a lot, and that I experienced because I
• 6:46
  Speaker 5: was single for a very long time.
• 6:48
  Speaker 7: I thought I was going to have to, i don't know,
• 6:49
  Speaker 7: give up dating altogether.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: And see what a long time is?
• 6:53
  Speaker 5: I found my partner. Okay, let me let me back
• 6:56
  Speaker 5: up a little. When I was in college, everyone was
• 6:58
  Speaker 5: like getting married, settling down, and I always have wanted
• 7:02
  Speaker 5: to be in a relationship. I didn't know if I
• 7:04
  Speaker 5: wanted kids. I always knew that I wanted to find
• 7:06
  Speaker 5: my person. I'm just a monogamous through and through. Not
• 7:09
  Speaker 5: everybody has to choose that for themselves. That's what I wanted.
• 7:12
  Speaker 5: And so by the time I hit thirty five ish
• 7:16
  Speaker 5: and I still hadn't met my person, I was like,
• 7:18
  Speaker 5: wait a second, what am I doing wrong?
• 7:20
  Speaker 6: What is happening.
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: You hadn't been in any relationship.
• 7:23
  Speaker 5: I had been in relationships that of course, at the time,
• 7:26
  Speaker 5: I thought maybe this is the one. But on reflection,
• 7:29
  Speaker 5: they were not the one and they were not good.
• 7:32
  Speaker 5: But I only learned that later. So yeah, at that time,
• 7:36
  Speaker 5: I thought this is never going to happen to me.
• 7:38
  Speaker 5: So I definitely got together with my husband now later
• 7:42
  Speaker 5: on in life what I consider late mid thirties, later
• 7:45
  Speaker 5: on in life, okay, And I felt like that was
• 7:47
  Speaker 5: so helpful for me. Like the people that I think
• 7:49
  Speaker 5: back to that I had dated in my twenties and
• 7:52
  Speaker 5: maybe even early thirties, thank goodness, I did not land
• 7:56
  Speaker 5: up with them, Thank goodness.
• 7:58
  Speaker 4: Wow, I feel like your story is pretty in alignment
• 8:03
  Speaker 4: with mine because I've told Amber this, I haven't had
• 8:08
  Speaker 4: a productive, healthy relationship since I was probably seventeen with
• 8:13
  Speaker 4: my high school sweetheart. And when I look back on
• 8:15
  Speaker 4: that relationship, I'm like, had we been older, I think
• 8:19
  Speaker 4: we were just so in sync and so mature, and
• 8:22
  Speaker 4: it's wild to think that my frontal lobe wasn't even formed.
• 8:26
  Speaker 4: But I knew a healthy relationship, and as I got older,
• 8:29
  Speaker 4: I was just like, where's the toxicity.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: Where's the high highs and the low lows?
• 8:34
  Speaker 4: And I'm thirty five now, and Amber knows this because
• 8:38
  Speaker 4: we share an ex I'm just a wounded bird and
• 8:42
  Speaker 4: very guarded, and this is I've been single, fully single.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: We're going into the.
• 8:48
  Speaker 4: Fifth year of not dating, and I'm finally open to
• 8:53
  Speaker 4: finding my person. So I'm so, I'm just I want
• 8:58
  Speaker 4: to know how you found yours, because I feel like
• 9:00
  Speaker 4: you're speaking my language right now, and you're going to
• 9:02
  Speaker 4: give me hope.
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: I know that.
• 9:05
  Speaker 5: So I totally resonate with the wounded bird and feeling
• 9:09
  Speaker 5: really guarded. I think for me, the hardest part in
• 9:12
  Speaker 5: dating is that I would meet these men and I
• 9:15
  Speaker 5: would try to turn myself into a Pretzel, even though
• 9:17
  Speaker 5: I was learning to be a therapist at that time,
• 9:20
  Speaker 5: and I knew, like, I'm not supposed to be doing this,
• 9:22
  Speaker 5: but this one could be the one, and maybe this
• 9:24
  Speaker 5: is how I have to kind of change a little
• 9:26
  Speaker 5: bit to make this work. Or my favorite that I
• 9:28
  Speaker 5: hear from my clients and myself back then was no,
• 9:31
  Speaker 5: they will change, like they'll realize how awesome I am,
• 9:34
  Speaker 5: and then they'll decide that they're ready for X, Y
• 9:37
  Speaker 5: or Z and we'll run off into the sunset. So
• 9:41
  Speaker 5: I think for me, a lot of the work came
• 9:44
  Speaker 5: and maybe you won't like this answer, but a lot
• 9:47
  Speaker 5: of the work came from doing my own work inside
• 9:49
  Speaker 5: to figure out why am I such a wounded bird
• 9:52
  Speaker 5: or why am I so guarded? Or what is it
• 9:55
  Speaker 5: that I'm actually looking for and what am I not
• 9:57
  Speaker 5: open to and why those are some really really big
• 10:00
  Speaker 5: questions for me and what am I willing to accept?
• 10:04
  Speaker 5: You know? And I think there's this line that I
• 10:06
  Speaker 5: hear often in my psychotherapy practice of people that come
• 10:09
  Speaker 5: in with, you know, I want an astronaut who's a millionaire,
• 10:12
  Speaker 5: who's got blue eyes and blonde hair, and you know,
• 10:14
  Speaker 5: blah blahlah and I'm like, WHOA, that is ultra specific,
• 10:18
  Speaker 5: And then I have other people who are sort of like,
• 10:19
  Speaker 5: I really don't care. I'll take whoever, like a pulse,
• 10:23
  Speaker 5: a heartbeat, two legs, two arms, We're good, let's just
• 10:26
  Speaker 5: make it happen. So, you know, I think for me,
• 10:29
  Speaker 5: I had to get really really clear on what I wanted.
• 10:33
  Speaker 5: And for me, the last thing I'll say about this
• 10:35
  Speaker 5: is that I sort of came to this conclusion of like,
• 10:38
  Speaker 5: what are my three must haves and what are my
• 10:40
  Speaker 5: three can't stands?
• 10:42
  Speaker 7: Okay, I like that, mm hmmmm hmm.
• 10:47
  Speaker 6: So I got really clear.
• 10:48
  Speaker 5: I know, for me, I had been cheated on by
• 10:52
  Speaker 5: an ax, which sounds like you ladies have some history
• 10:54
  Speaker 5: with and so that was at the top of like
• 11:01
  Speaker 5: my must have list, like I need somebody loyal who
• 11:03
  Speaker 5: I do not have to think constantly is going to
• 11:06
  Speaker 5: go and cheat on me or be with somebody else.
• 11:09
  Speaker 4: Do you do you think that because I've now since
• 11:14
  Speaker 4: I've ventured into the dating pool, I mean, one of
• 11:17
  Speaker 4: my top questions is and watch You're gonna be like,
• 11:21
  Speaker 4: don't ask those questions. Have have you cheated on your
• 11:25
  Speaker 4: partner before? Do you think if the answer is yes,
• 11:29
  Speaker 4: that that is a red flag.
• 11:31
  Speaker 5: You know, I think it's a great question to ask.
• 11:34
  Speaker 5: I don't know if I would ask it on the
• 11:35
  Speaker 5: first date because somebody may feel I don't imagine, no, that.
• 11:40
  Speaker 3: Would be the last date, right exactly.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: I feel it out, I promise, right.
• 11:48
  Speaker 5: I don't think it's an automatic red flag. I don't
• 11:50
  Speaker 5: think it's an automatic red flag. What I would look
• 11:52
  Speaker 5: for is somebody who has some awareness around it and
• 11:57
  Speaker 5: growth from it. So, yes, this happened, this is why
• 12:01
  Speaker 5: it happened, This was my part in it.
• 12:03
  Speaker 7: If they say, yes, I cheated on my.
• 12:04
  Speaker 5: Partner because they were such a jerk, and you know,
• 12:07
  Speaker 5: they they, they, they they.
• 12:09
  Speaker 6: I want to hear, where's your accountability in this? Okay?
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: I love that.
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: Love that That to me is.
• 12:15
  Speaker 6: The moment of growth that I'm looking for.
• 12:17
  Speaker 5: Okay, we all make mistakes, trust me, we all make mistakes.
• 12:20
  Speaker 6: But how did you learn and grow from it?
• 12:22
  Speaker 7: And how do you not repeat that?
• 12:24
  Speaker 4: So it's all about the follow up, not exactly the
• 12:27
  Speaker 4: yes or no correct because you don't know.
• 12:30
  Speaker 5: Maybe maybe they were super young, maybe there was some
• 12:32
  Speaker 5: like life stress going on, like there's so many I
• 12:34
  Speaker 5: as a therapist live in shades of gray constantly, So
• 12:39
  Speaker 5: I'm always thinking like, what could be, what could have
• 12:41
  Speaker 5: happened that would have made it more like, you know,
• 12:43
  Speaker 5: it's not okay, but it makes sense, you know.
• 12:46
  Speaker 3: Okay, Yeah, So how did you end up?
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: Oh?
• 12:49
  Speaker 7: Sorry, I was.
• 12:50
  Speaker 4: Gonna asked the exact same question. You and I are
• 12:52
  Speaker 4: so in sync, You're I know what you're gonna ask.
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: Go, So, how did you find your husband?
• 12:57
  Speaker 7: Yes?
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: Yes, yes, yes, so.
• 12:59
  Speaker 6: It's it's interesting.
• 13:01
  Speaker 5: My husband and I, believe it or not, we're in
• 13:04
  Speaker 5: third grade together.
• 13:07
  Speaker 7: Yes.
• 13:07
  Speaker 5: I had immigrated from South Africa. I'm from Cape Town,
• 13:10
  Speaker 5: South Africa, and my family had immigrated to Virginia. We
• 13:15
  Speaker 5: went to this little, tiny school and we were in
• 13:18
  Speaker 5: third grade together. We have a picture of us that
• 13:20
  Speaker 5: was at our wedding of us in our yearbook back then.
• 13:24
  Speaker 5: We then parted ways. We then, you know, and we
• 13:26
  Speaker 5: were just you know, we knew of each other. We
• 13:28
  Speaker 5: didn't hang out or I think we were in third grade,
• 13:30
  Speaker 5: and then he left the school and then we connected
• 13:32
  Speaker 5: back in high school. I dated a good friend of
• 13:35
  Speaker 5: his and he dated a friend of mine, and I
• 13:38
  Speaker 5: he was never my time, never ever ever.
• 13:41
  Speaker 6: He was the life of the party.
• 13:42
  Speaker 5: He was so much fun. He was a good guy.
• 13:44
  Speaker 5: I knew that in my heart. I was like, this
• 13:45
  Speaker 5: man is a good man. But as you remember, we
• 13:48
  Speaker 5: dialed the clock back, that was not interesting to me.
• 13:51
  Speaker 5: I was like, now mm I need like the unavailable man.
• 13:54
  Speaker 5: I need the man who's like sexy and you know.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: And breadcrumbs me. Yes, makes me feel insecure in a
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: pit in my stomach.
• 14:02
  Speaker 5: Yes, because that's exciting and like that's alive, you know,
• 14:06
  Speaker 5: Like this guy seems like a really good you know,
• 14:08
  Speaker 5: says what he's gonna.
• 14:09
  Speaker 6: Do, and then he does it boring.
• 14:12
  Speaker 5: So he dated my friend and I would hear about
• 14:16
  Speaker 5: him all the time, like, oh, I'm hanging out with him,
• 14:18
  Speaker 5: Da da dad. I'm like, great, good for you. We're
• 14:20
  Speaker 5: actually in a prom picture together. He's with his date.
• 14:24
  Speaker 5: I'm with my date. But again, like never thought of
• 14:27
  Speaker 5: it at all. Fast forward dated a man who.
• 14:31
  Speaker 7: Was a musician who.
• 14:34
  Speaker 5: I was so in love with and who broke my heart,
• 14:37
  Speaker 5: and I moved three thousand miles away. I moved to
• 14:41
  Speaker 5: California to kind of get some space and some.
• 14:43
  Speaker 6: Distance and to go to grad school.
• 14:45
  Speaker 5: But it was one of those relationships that kept pulling
• 14:47
  Speaker 5: you back In long story short, my now husband ran
• 14:50
  Speaker 5: into him. They got talking. My now husband says, I'm
• 14:54
  Speaker 5: in California for work. I don't know anybody, and my
• 14:57
  Speaker 5: ex says, you should call Melissa. Here's what number. Oh
• 15:01
  Speaker 5: my gosh, yes, oh my god is right. So he
• 15:05
  Speaker 5: calls me and I will never forget the message.
• 15:08
  Speaker 6: He says. It's a blast from the past. And I'm like,
• 15:11
  Speaker 6: oh my god.
• 15:12
  Speaker 7: This guy, Like seriously, this guy. He's like, I'm in town.
• 15:17
  Speaker 5: Do you want to have lunch? Like you want to
• 15:18
  Speaker 5: do something? And I was like no, but okay, So
• 15:22
  Speaker 5: we went out. I lived in San Francisco at the
• 15:24
  Speaker 5: time because I was in grad school, and I went
• 15:27
  Speaker 5: to pick him up. At that time, he drank. He
• 15:29
  Speaker 5: doesn't drink anymore, not for some big dramatic story, but
• 15:32
  Speaker 5: just because it's a life choice he made.
• 15:34
  Speaker 6: He had been at a bar because he is.
• 15:36
  Speaker 5: A commander's fan, and he had been at the bar
• 15:40
  Speaker 5: all morning, like hanging out da da da. And when
• 15:43
  Speaker 5: I roll up to pick him out up outside of
• 15:45
  Speaker 5: the bar, he's in the middle of the street. His
• 15:47
  Speaker 5: arms are waving and I swear I almost turned the
• 15:50
  Speaker 5: bar around. I was like no, uh uh oh no,
• 15:55
  Speaker 5: hell No, long story short, we end up going out.
• 15:59
  Speaker 5: We went to I was dating a guy at that time.
• 16:02
  Speaker 5: I was trying to pick out a birthday present for him.
• 16:04
  Speaker 5: My now husband was helping me and at the same
• 16:07
  Speaker 5: time saying things.
• 16:08
  Speaker 6: Like, you sure this guy's like for you? I don't know.
• 16:11
  Speaker 6: I'm not sure. You know, he sounds great, so he's trying.
• 16:13
  Speaker 7: To give me a relationship advice. Like while we're.
• 16:15
  Speaker 5: Hanging out and we go to the grocery store because
• 16:19
  Speaker 5: I had to get some stuff before I went home,
• 16:21
  Speaker 5: and I remember standing in the produce aisle at Whole
• 16:24
  Speaker 5: Foods in San Francisco and he was there shopping with me,
• 16:28
  Speaker 5: and I remember thinking, whoever I land up with Universe
• 16:32
  Speaker 5: out there, whoever you talk to Universe, I want to
• 16:35
  Speaker 5: feel exactly how I feel with this man.
• 16:39
  Speaker 6: However, I know.
• 16:39
  Speaker 5: It's not him, because you know, it's definitely not him,
• 16:42
  Speaker 5: but I want to feel how I feel right now
• 16:45
  Speaker 5: in this moment with him, and I felt I'll tell
• 16:47
  Speaker 5: you how I felt. I felt completely myself, completely at peace.
• 16:53
  Speaker 5: Anything could happen, and I felt like it would be okay,
• 16:56
  Speaker 5: we'd figure it out.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: So I love this.
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: I'm in shock. This is so beautiful. That is such
• 17:02
  Speaker 3: a beautiful story.
• 17:04
  Speaker 4: You So was it long? How long was he in
• 17:09
  Speaker 4: town for? I mean, because I know that you guys
• 17:12
  Speaker 4: spend some time apart. We didn't want to pick your
• 17:14
  Speaker 4: brain about that. Yes, yes, Where where was he located?
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: Yes? And how long did that last?
• 17:22
  Speaker 5: So before we get there, I should tell you because
• 17:24
  Speaker 5: it's something you also spoke about earlier. Is once I
• 17:27
  Speaker 5: realized that, and I said, at the universe, you know,
• 17:28
  Speaker 5: I love hanging out with him. I feel like I
• 17:30
  Speaker 5: can be myself. We have a lot of fun together.
• 17:32
  Speaker 5: I had been dating. I was lonely. I wanted to
• 17:34
  Speaker 5: be in relationship, but again, it wasn't him. So we'll
• 17:37
  Speaker 5: just go out and have fun with him as a friend.
• 17:40
  Speaker 5: I remember one of my friends saying, you like him,
• 17:42
  Speaker 5: and I was like, shut up, I don't like him.
• 17:45
  Speaker 5: Like I'm just we're friends, okay, like guys and girls
• 17:47
  Speaker 5: can be friends. Give it, oh, you know, let it go.
• 17:50
  Speaker 5: And so we ended up spending time together. And it
• 17:52
  Speaker 5: was Halloween night. We went out, we both dressed up
• 17:55
  Speaker 5: and in front of a very large speaker at a
• 17:57
  Speaker 5: club that was booming music in our ears. And we're
• 18:01
  Speaker 5: sitting there because I don't know why we thought that
• 18:02
  Speaker 5: was a good idea. And he said, I know you
• 18:06
  Speaker 5: like me and I like you as well. And I
• 18:09
  Speaker 5: was like, you've been drinking, We've been out all night.
• 18:11
  Speaker 5: That's not true.
• 18:12
  Speaker 6: Blah blah blah.
• 18:13
  Speaker 5: Because I was so guarded, I was like, ooh, this
• 18:15
  Speaker 5: feels like I'm such in conflict because you're not my type.
• 18:19
  Speaker 5: I don't know if there's chemistry there, but I feel
• 18:21
  Speaker 5: so much myself around you, and I really love spending
• 18:25
  Speaker 5: time with you, but again, you're not my type.
• 18:27
  Speaker 6: There aren't any games, like what is this?
• 18:30
  Speaker 5: And he said, I'm going to call you tomorrow and
• 18:32
  Speaker 5: I'm going to tell you the exact same thing, and
• 18:34
  Speaker 5: you're going to know because I'll be sober that this is.
• 18:38
  Speaker 7: What I mean.
• 18:38
  Speaker 5: And I was like, okay, whatever. The next day, that
• 18:41
  Speaker 5: man called me and it was awkward. I'll tell you,
• 18:44
  Speaker 5: but he said, I met what I said last night.
• 18:48
  Speaker 7: I really like you.
• 18:50
  Speaker 5: Do you want to see if we can make this work?
• 18:52
  Speaker 5: And you know what I said, Well, I already had
• 18:55
  Speaker 5: a date lined up for tonight, so I'm going to
• 18:59
  Speaker 5: go on that, but you know.
• 19:02
  Speaker 6: Just maybe again guarded wounded. Long story short, I went
• 19:07
  Speaker 6: out on the date. It was not great.
• 19:08
  Speaker 5: I was thinking about my husband the whole time, and
• 19:10
  Speaker 5: the rest is history.
• 19:12
  Speaker 7: Wow.
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: Oh, can I tell you that it is so cute.
• 19:15
  Speaker 4: I'm actually thrilled that you went on the date because
• 19:17
  Speaker 4: I think it's probably solidified.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: Okay, I'm actually into this.
• 19:21
  Speaker 6: Guy one hundred percent.
• 19:22
  Speaker 7: One hundred percent.
• 19:23
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 19:24
  Speaker 5: Wow.
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: And where was your husband living at the time.
• 19:27
  Speaker 5: He was living in Virginia. So I was in San Francisco.
• 19:29
  Speaker 5: He was living in Virginia. I think that's three thousand
• 19:32
  Speaker 5: miles at distance. Yeah, it is some distance. And we
• 19:35
  Speaker 5: did do long distance. We did long distance for I
• 19:39
  Speaker 5: guess it was almost eight months to a year.
• 19:43
  Speaker 6: It was a while.
• 19:44
  Speaker 5: And he would come for work out to San Francisco
• 19:47
  Speaker 5: and then he would go home, like on the Red Eye,
• 19:50
  Speaker 5: and then he'd come out for the weekends.
• 19:51
  Speaker 7: I mean, it was madness.
• 19:53
  Speaker 5: And I just remember when we finally decided we wanted
• 19:56
  Speaker 5: to be together, and I'd put him through all the
• 19:57
  Speaker 5: tests of you know, helping me let my guard down
• 20:00
  Speaker 5: on all of that, which took a while. I was
• 20:03
  Speaker 5: so sad when he would leave. I was so devastated,
• 20:05
  Speaker 5: and I was like, Okay, this is it. I'm sure
• 20:06
  Speaker 5: he's going to meet someone else. I'm sure he's going
• 20:08
  Speaker 5: to lose interest, Like, why would this guy be traveling
• 20:11
  Speaker 5: all the way here just to see me on the weekends,
• 20:13
  Speaker 5: not only then to travel all the way back.
• 20:15
  Speaker 6: It was very difficult.
• 20:26
  Speaker 4: What were some tools that you guys both implemented to
• 20:31
  Speaker 4: make that work for so long?
• 20:33
  Speaker 5: Yeah, well, I was, as you know, studying to become
• 20:36
  Speaker 5: a therapist.
• 20:37
  Speaker 6: I was in my own therapy.
• 20:38
  Speaker 5: And the thing is is that when people come together,
• 20:42
  Speaker 5: there's this myth about relationships that it should be easy,
• 20:46
  Speaker 5: and there's a myth that if it's the right person,
• 20:50
  Speaker 5: it should just be flawless and seamless. And even though
• 20:53
  Speaker 5: I felt completely myself with my husband and I wanted
• 20:56
  Speaker 5: to try to make this work, we were both coming
• 20:58
  Speaker 5: to the table with bagging and so part of my
• 21:03
  Speaker 5: thoughts and advice and you know, talking to people on
• 21:07
  Speaker 5: my social media platforms around long distance relationships are these
• 21:10
  Speaker 5: are things you can absolutely implement into long distance I
• 21:13
  Speaker 5: also recommend them for close proximity relationships too, because I
• 21:17
  Speaker 5: think they're just really good habits.
• 21:19
  Speaker 7: So some of the.
• 21:21
  Speaker 5: Things that we did now with the day and age
• 21:24
  Speaker 5: we have with FaceTime or video calls. That's like a
• 21:27
  Speaker 5: game changer that your connection really needs to be intentional.
• 21:33
  Speaker 5: And I think a lot of people think like, oh,
• 21:35
  Speaker 5: if we just text message each other all day, then
• 21:38
  Speaker 5: that staying in contact, But that's actually not how trust
• 21:42
  Speaker 5: and connection really builds. It's around, in my opinion, sort
• 21:46
  Speaker 5: of creating that closeness by having those moments of intentional connection,
• 21:52
  Speaker 5: whether it's you know, chatting on video or talking to
• 21:57
  Speaker 5: each other in the morning of morning text and even text.
• 22:00
  Speaker 6: I know a lot of my clients.
• 22:01
  Speaker 5: Love that when the person that they're dating and I
• 22:03
  Speaker 5: did two at the time like Hay, good morning, been
• 22:05
  Speaker 5: thinking about you or Hay, good night, going to sleep.
• 22:07
  Speaker 5: You know, those little moments can help a ton as well.
• 22:11
  Speaker 5: And then the other piece that I say is around
• 22:14
  Speaker 5: you know, when are you going to see each other again?
• 22:16
  Speaker 5: You know, because to be kind of these long distance
• 22:20
  Speaker 5: people trying to connect, if there's no plan to see
• 22:23
  Speaker 5: each other, it can start to feel really really difficult.
• 22:26
  Speaker 5: So there has to be some rhythm of like the
• 22:30
  Speaker 5: next time that you'll see each other.
• 22:31
  Speaker 3: In my opinion, I agree one hundred percent.
• 22:33
  Speaker 4: And do you think that that needs to be set
• 22:36
  Speaker 4: up on on the visit it's like, Okay, I'm here
• 22:40
  Speaker 4: right now. The next time I'm coming out, let's pull
• 22:42
  Speaker 4: out our calendars. I'll see you, you know, two weeks
• 22:45
  Speaker 4: from now or whatever it may be.
• 22:47
  Speaker 5: As somebody who was anxiously attached and I've been working
• 22:49
  Speaker 5: on it, I'm like anxiously attached and in recovery.
• 22:52
  Speaker 6: I love that. I love that.
• 22:54
  Speaker 5: It's like when you go on a date with someone
• 22:55
  Speaker 5: and you're super excited about them and they're like, oh
• 22:57
  Speaker 5: my gosh, when can I see you again? And then
• 22:59
  Speaker 5: it's like this utual thing, and so you kind of
• 23:01
  Speaker 5: know that you're going to see each other again. You
• 23:02
  Speaker 5: don't have to worry or be concerned. So I do
• 23:05
  Speaker 5: love that. I do love that idea.
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: So one of the things, so I recently started dating
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: someone who does not live in the same state, Montana.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: And there's quite a bit of distance there too.
• 23:15
  Speaker 3: Yeah, there's quite a bit of distance.
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: And I was always completely I swore off I would
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: never do long distance, like I need my person coming
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: home to meet or know that like they're ten to
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: fifteen minutes away. And one of the things that I've
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: been doing to connect with him every morning is I
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: love playing wordle so we started playing Wordle. It's like
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: a good morning text, and then we send each other
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: our Wordle scores, so it's like it doesn't have to
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: because I think sometimes after saying good morning, you know,
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: two weeks in a row is just kind of like
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: it's nice, but I just want something a little more
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: playful or fun or just something outside the box to connect.
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: And this is what we've been doing, and it's been
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: actually really fun.
• 23:56
  Speaker 6: I love that.
• 23:57
  Speaker 5: I know a lot of couples who have been long
• 23:58
  Speaker 5: distance to who watch TV shows to get other cook
• 24:00
  Speaker 5: meals together.
• 24:02
  Speaker 6: I think the main point that I like to make.
• 24:05
  Speaker 5: Is that you really have to as you build trust
• 24:08
  Speaker 5: in the relationship and as you realize this is a
• 24:09
  Speaker 5: person you want to spend time with and get to know.
• 24:12
  Speaker 5: I think it's really about letting them into your day
• 24:14
  Speaker 5: to day life because you don't have those moments to
• 24:16
  Speaker 5: just run to the grocery store or like come run
• 24:18
  Speaker 5: some errands with me or pop over for lunch. So
• 24:21
  Speaker 5: letting people into your life, whether that's emotionally or keeping
• 24:26
  Speaker 5: them up to date with kind of what you're doing,
• 24:28
  Speaker 5: I think emotionally is the more important one, is super important.
• 24:32
  Speaker 7: So I love that wordal idea. I love changing it up.
• 24:34
  Speaker 5: I love just getting a rhythm and a plan that
• 24:36
  Speaker 5: works for the two of you because everyone's so unique,
• 24:38
  Speaker 5: and some people would be like wordle heck no, but
• 24:40
  Speaker 5: other people would be like, yes, I love that.
• 24:42
  Speaker 3: I geek out on wordles, so I love it.
• 24:45
  Speaker 4: I know when you find your fellow weirdo, it is
• 24:47
  Speaker 4: just a game changer, right. It's so good when you're
• 24:52
  Speaker 4: into the same TV shows.
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: And I love that idea too, of.
• 24:56
  Speaker 4: You know, at night, the two of you watching the
• 25:00
  Speaker 4: same show, that you can talk about just creating something
• 25:03
  Speaker 4: that goes beyond like you said, the good morning and
• 25:06
  Speaker 4: good night text, because that does that does get old quick.
• 25:10
  Speaker 5: Yes, yes, I think the other thing that a lot
• 25:12
  Speaker 5: of people think about is you know, and that forces
• 25:16
  Speaker 5: sometimes For me, I've had, depending on the scenario, some
• 25:20
  Speaker 5: actual relief as a therapist when people have to go
• 25:22
  Speaker 5: long distance. And when I was in the long distance
• 25:24
  Speaker 5: relationship with my husband, it actually forced us to connect more.
• 25:28
  Speaker 5: And I really like that, you know, we didn't have
• 25:30
  Speaker 5: to rush into anything.
• 25:32
  Speaker 4: That's I love that you're saying that because I actually
• 25:38
  Speaker 4: prefer so I'm going to get lalla on you.
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: I can get digmatized. So if I have.
• 25:44
  Speaker 4: Someone who is here in the city around the corner,
• 25:47
  Speaker 4: I think us meeting one time, I know you well
• 25:50
  Speaker 4: enough to jump in the sack with you, and then
• 25:52
  Speaker 4: I don't know if I like you or I like
• 25:54
  Speaker 4: the way you lay the pipe.
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: I can't. I can't differentiate the two.
• 25:59
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 25:59
  Speaker 3: No, oh, I'm the same way. I completely understand.
• 26:02
  Speaker 4: I think a lot of girls get that way, you know,
• 26:05
  Speaker 4: because we're emotional beings, and I love that.
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: But I actually am.
• 26:10
  Speaker 4: I'm quite into the long distance thing right now because
• 26:15
  Speaker 4: it causes.
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: I have to sit with my feelings.
• 26:21
  Speaker 4: We have to have prime communication, which for me, communication
• 26:25
  Speaker 4: is everything.
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: Without that, what do you have?
• 26:28
  Speaker 4: So it allows me to kind of get the machine
• 26:33
  Speaker 4: working before we take it to the next step. Yes,
• 26:38
  Speaker 4: is there a time frame on that After you've been
• 26:42
  Speaker 4: talking to someone for quite a bit, Let's say, like,
• 26:45
  Speaker 4: at what point do you go, okay, you know, we've
• 26:48
  Speaker 4: seen each other one time, or we've seen each other
• 26:50
  Speaker 4: a couple times, Like what is the time frame before
• 26:52
  Speaker 4: you say who's making the move?
• 26:56
  Speaker 6: Yeah, it's a great question.
• 26:58
  Speaker 5: And just to go back to what you said, I
• 26:59
  Speaker 5: think I think connection and trust and safety are built
• 27:03
  Speaker 5: in these day to day moments of being able to
• 27:06
  Speaker 5: talk things through or have hard conversations. Grand gestures are amazing,
• 27:11
  Speaker 5: or you know, sex may be amazing, but it's really
• 27:15
  Speaker 5: those kind of emotional connections underneath that I think are
• 27:18
  Speaker 5: really going to show you if the relationship is going
• 27:20
  Speaker 5: to last or not. And so in terms of a timeline, again,
• 27:24
  Speaker 5: everyone is so individual. And for you, what you were saying,
• 27:27
  Speaker 5: Laala is that you were a wounded bird and guarded.
• 27:30
  Speaker 5: And for myself back then too, it took me a
• 27:32
  Speaker 5: little bit longer to feel more emotionally connected, to let
• 27:36
  Speaker 5: my guards down in order.
• 27:39
  Speaker 7: To say, okay, this is it.
• 27:41
  Speaker 6: And I was the one that did move.
• 27:42
  Speaker 5: I moved from San Francisco to New York, and I
• 27:46
  Speaker 5: remember talking to all my friends, and I remember talking
• 27:48
  Speaker 5: to my parents, and we were not engaged at that time.
• 27:51
  Speaker 6: We had talked about it.
• 27:53
  Speaker 5: But again with my wounding in the back of my head,
• 27:55
  Speaker 5: I'm thinking, gosh, I could move three thousand miles, I
• 27:58
  Speaker 5: could give up my career, I could leave my friends,
• 28:00
  Speaker 5: all my community, I could land in New York and
• 28:03
  Speaker 5: he could say, yeah, I'm not really into this anymore,
• 28:05
  Speaker 5: Like there's not a ring on it, and even if
• 28:07
  Speaker 5: there were a ring on it, that could still change, right. So,
• 28:11
  Speaker 5: I think for myself and for everybody else, it's around
• 28:13
  Speaker 5: building that trust and kind of knowing yourself well enough
• 28:16
  Speaker 5: to kind of know what the like guards are that
• 28:20
  Speaker 5: need to be passed in order to trust that.
• 28:23
  Speaker 4: Okay, I have another question, A follow them to that
• 28:27
  Speaker 4: I actually have too. The first one, Amber, will you
• 28:30
  Speaker 4: remember them? The first one? You said, grand gestures? How
• 28:34
  Speaker 4: does one know the difference between a grand gesture and
• 28:38
  Speaker 4: love bombing where it's toxic?
• 28:41
  Speaker 5: M So, love bombing to me is kind of of
• 28:47
  Speaker 5: the idea of perfection, like everything is amazing and you're
• 28:51
  Speaker 5: so amazing and there are no flaws kind of highlighted
• 28:53
  Speaker 5: and everything is perfect, and we're not going to do
• 28:58
  Speaker 5: the deeper work. We're just going to love bomb you
• 29:00
  Speaker 5: with you know, trips or private planes or cash or
• 29:03
  Speaker 5: clothing or whatever it is, right, or words of affirmation
• 29:06
  Speaker 5: over and over again. I think the grand gestures come
• 29:09
  Speaker 5: along with real, consistent, deep communication. And I actually maybe
• 29:17
  Speaker 5: it's just me as a therapist. I actually really I
• 29:20
  Speaker 5: think it's necessary for couples to have hard moments and
• 29:23
  Speaker 5: hard challenges and arguments to see what's going to happen.
• 29:26
  Speaker 5: And so if you're in the love Bomby phase, to me,
• 29:30
  Speaker 5: you're not really making real growth emotionally over time. When
• 29:35
  Speaker 5: there's a grand gesture, it's usually you know, of like
• 29:38
  Speaker 5: a healthy relationship, it's usually let's go take a trip together,
• 29:42
  Speaker 5: or I book this amazing restaurant or something like that.
• 29:44
  Speaker 5: Along with that emotional depth and talking about the hard
• 29:48
  Speaker 5: things and not avoiding them and feeling seen and heard
• 29:52
  Speaker 5: in your relationship and like you're working through things together,
• 29:55
  Speaker 5: that may be difficult because relationships in the good times
• 29:58
  Speaker 5: are so much easier year than when they hit the
• 30:01
  Speaker 5: hard moments. And I think every relationship needs to hit
• 30:04
  Speaker 5: hard moments to kind of work through that and get
• 30:06
  Speaker 5: the skills under your belt to see long term what
• 30:10
  Speaker 5: that's going to be like.
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 30:20
  Speaker 4: The other question that I had was back to the
• 30:23
  Speaker 4: wounded birds.
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: So after I left our ex, I thank.
• 30:29
  Speaker 3: You for not calling him my ex.
• 30:31
  Speaker 2: She has this thing where she doesn't want to like
• 30:34
  Speaker 2: identify him, like like she had nothing to do with him,
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: but it's all me.
• 30:37
  Speaker 3: It was my fault. Thank you. I really have to
• 30:39
  Speaker 3: say I'm grateful for that.
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: I always say when I was dealing with your ex.
• 30:43
  Speaker 4: Continue, please, I want to say I took about a
• 30:49
  Speaker 4: year before I went out and started giving men any
• 30:53
  Speaker 4: sort of attention. And I noticed that I was attracting
• 30:57
  Speaker 4: men who took me, who loved bombed me, and took
• 31:01
  Speaker 4: me on high highs and low lows. And I took
• 31:04
  Speaker 4: a step back and said, this has nothing to do
• 31:08
  Speaker 4: with them. This is some work that you need to
• 31:11
  Speaker 4: do on yourself and take a beat and focus on
• 31:14
  Speaker 4: the trauma that's been caused. Which is why we're going
• 31:19
  Speaker 4: into year five of being single, because it's been a
• 31:22
  Speaker 4: lot of work.
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: And very hard and emotional. With that work is does
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: it is? Is the work not done?
• 31:33
  Speaker 4: Because there are moments that when I'm talking to a man,
• 31:38
  Speaker 4: I go, what if you said, when you were thinking
• 31:41
  Speaker 4: about moving, you didn't have a ring on your finger?
• 31:44
  Speaker 4: What if he says I'm good, Like there's no guarantee.
• 31:50
  Speaker 4: Do I have more work to do if I have
• 31:52
  Speaker 4: those moments pop up?
• 31:55
  Speaker 5: So to me, that sounds like anxiety, right, okay, of
• 31:59
  Speaker 5: the fear and the fear of what's already happened. So
• 32:02
  Speaker 5: you've already been through an experience like this where maybe
• 32:04
  Speaker 5: that hunch or maybe that kind of intuition was maybe
• 32:08
  Speaker 5: giving you some signs and maybe you ignored them, or
• 32:10
  Speaker 5: maybe you didn't. But I think that we can only
• 32:15
  Speaker 5: do And now this is a big thought, so let
• 32:17
  Speaker 5: me see if I can say it clearly. I think
• 32:20
  Speaker 5: that we can only do so much healing in relationships
• 32:23
  Speaker 5: by ourselves.
• 32:26
  Speaker 7: Any men.
• 32:27
  Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, And it really takes us being in another
• 32:31
  Speaker 5: relationship to start ironing out the hard spots or the
• 32:37
  Speaker 5: spots that get stuck, or the spots that can't be
• 32:40
  Speaker 5: highlighted or activated when you're by yourself.
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 32:44
  Speaker 5: And so the fact that you're saying, if I have anxiety,
• 32:46
  Speaker 5: like I've met this person and they seem great, but
• 32:48
  Speaker 5: I'm still having this anxiety, that is normal, that is expected.
• 32:53
  Speaker 5: Of course you would have that come up in this
• 32:55
  Speaker 5: relationship whenever you start dating again and it's okay. So
• 32:59
  Speaker 5: then what happens from there? Are you able to continue
• 33:03
  Speaker 5: doing the work on yourself and saying is this my stuff?
• 33:05
  Speaker 5: Is this their stuff? Where does the line end and begin?
• 33:09
  Speaker 5: Can I ask for reassurance when I need it? And
• 33:12
  Speaker 5: how do they respond? Do they tell me to just
• 33:14
  Speaker 5: stop being so needy? Or do they actually reassure me?
• 33:18
  Speaker 5: Do they actually want to work on this together, and
• 33:20
  Speaker 5: that through time, I believe, is really what heals some
• 33:24
  Speaker 5: of those attachment woundings. I think that the caveat also
• 33:27
  Speaker 5: needs to be Are you willing to open yourself up again?
• 33:31
  Speaker 5: Are you willing to be vulnerable? Are you willing that
• 33:34
  Speaker 5: this may not work out, that you may be hurt again?
• 33:38
  Speaker 4: You saying that I feel like I can't breathe because
• 33:41
  Speaker 4: I have been allowing men into my life the past
• 33:47
  Speaker 4: however many months, but on a very small scale.
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: My guard is up.
• 33:52
  Speaker 4: If they're here today and gone tomorrow, I will so
• 33:55
  Speaker 4: not be affected because you haven't crossed that barrier, right,
• 34:01
  Speaker 4: And recently I've met someone where I can feel the
• 34:04
  Speaker 4: wall coming down and it is absolutely terrifying.
• 34:10
  Speaker 6: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 34:12
  Speaker 5: It doesn't mean that it's bad, it doesn't mean that
• 34:14
  Speaker 5: it's wrong. It actually means that there's an opportunity for
• 34:17
  Speaker 5: growth here. That's my assessment of what you're sharing.
• 34:20
  Speaker 4: Well, I'm going to hold on to what you just
• 34:22
  Speaker 4: said because I told Ambra, I'm like, well, we have
• 34:26
  Speaker 4: Melissa on today.
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I feel like I'm not going to be
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: able to talk to her in a blanketed way.
• 34:31
  Speaker 4: It's going to be very personal personal experiences.
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: Okay, I love this.
• 34:36
  Speaker 4: Yeah, how do I call my mind when I start
• 34:39
  Speaker 4: getting into that? You know, like because when this person
• 34:43
  Speaker 4: and I communicate, I can feel myself like.
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: Falling pretty hard.
• 34:47
  Speaker 7: Yeah.
• 34:48
  Speaker 4: And then there are times where at night I think
• 34:51
  Speaker 4: about our communication and at night is the hardest for
• 34:54
  Speaker 4: me start to get in my head and nitpick, and
• 34:58
  Speaker 4: I think, we got to put the guard up. The
• 35:00
  Speaker 4: way that you're feeling right now is not okay. This
• 35:03
  Speaker 4: You could get your heart hurt. What does that mean? Well,
• 35:05
  Speaker 4: it could mentally take me away from my work, mentally
• 35:08
  Speaker 4: take me away from my kids.
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: Which is my biggest thing.
• 35:12
  Speaker 4: And I actively try to talk myself into building the wallup,
• 35:15
  Speaker 4: and I say, tomorrow, when you text you, you're not
• 35:17
  Speaker 4: going to text back.
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: You'll call it. You'll text him the next day. So
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: now like I've gone insane. And then it makes me think,
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: did I not do the fucking work? I feel like
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: I did the fucking work.
• 35:29
  Speaker 3: What do you did the work?
• 35:31
  Speaker 7: Yes?
• 35:31
  Speaker 3: Exactly, this is this is the work.
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: It's not you.
• 35:35
  Speaker 2: And I'm not a therapist, but I've had some life
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: experience and too much fucking therapy in my life to
• 35:41
  Speaker 2: know that, like you have to just it's like this
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: is where the healing I've I've dated a lot, way
• 35:47
  Speaker 2: more than you have. And what I could take away
• 35:50
  Speaker 2: from all of these dates, these very short lived relationships,
• 35:53
  Speaker 2: whether they were one date or three months, is that
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: I learned something new about myself every single one. And
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: then so like I'm threading together who I am right
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: because I got married very young and then I was
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: in a long term relationship after that. So going out
• 36:09
  Speaker 2: in the dating world, like who am I? What do
• 36:14
  Speaker 2: I actually want? And what do I want was a.
• 36:17
  Speaker 3: Really hard question for me.
• 36:19
  Speaker 2: I have no idea because the same girl that wanted
• 36:23
  Speaker 2: something very differently when she was nineteen and then when
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: she became a mother, and now I'm thirty seven, I'm like,
• 36:31
  Speaker 2: my wants are at the opposite end of the spectrum.
• 36:34
  Speaker 2: So every time you go out and you date in
• 36:36
  Speaker 2: like those moments that you have, Lola like, it's beautiful,
• 36:39
  Speaker 2: don't beat yourself up.
• 36:41
  Speaker 7: Just call me.
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: I got your girl, I know you do.
• 36:44
  Speaker 2: Wow.
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: Is this podcast is titled Lalla's Group Therapy.
• 36:49
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I love it. I want to say something that
• 36:53
  Speaker 5: you said earlier, which I sort of feel like should
• 36:55
  Speaker 5: be a well known PSA, which is like at night.
• 36:58
  Speaker 5: I don't know about you all, but I always feel
• 37:01
  Speaker 5: more anxious at night when things are quiet. That is
• 37:04
  Speaker 5: when your mind automatically starts going. So if you can
• 37:07
  Speaker 5: just remind yourself of that, just hear my words in
• 37:09
  Speaker 5: your mind or say it to yourself. Things always feel
• 37:13
  Speaker 5: bigger and scarier at night. And let's not focus on
• 37:16
  Speaker 5: it tonight. We'll think about that tomorrow. That just a
• 37:20
  Speaker 5: caveat could be helpful.
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: I can totally do that.
• 37:22
  Speaker 7: Yeah, so that could be helpful.
• 37:24
  Speaker 5: I think the second piece that you said is like,
• 37:26
  Speaker 5: you know, you're noticing yourself opening your heart and you're
• 37:29
  Speaker 5: getting more invested in this relationship, and with more investment
• 37:33
  Speaker 5: comes maybe some expectations of what's this going to be like?
• 37:36
  Speaker 7: And maybe this is.
• 37:37
  Speaker 6: What I want?
• 37:38
  Speaker 5: And so you're putting more hope into the relationship, and
• 37:40
  Speaker 5: then you have this part of you that comes up
• 37:42
  Speaker 5: and goes ah. I wouldn't respond right away, slow it down.
• 37:46
  Speaker 5: I don't think it's safe. So that to me from
• 37:49
  Speaker 5: you know, studying psychology, and there's this some way of
• 37:53
  Speaker 5: working where we all have parts of ourselves, right, So
• 37:56
  Speaker 5: this part of you that is still really scared and
• 37:59
  Speaker 5: is really nervous to fall back into something that just
• 38:02
  Speaker 5: disappoints you or hurts you. Makes total sense. Just what
• 38:06
  Speaker 5: Amber was saying, like, don't beat yourself up. It makes
• 38:08
  Speaker 5: total sense. And it's coming up in my you know,
• 38:10
  Speaker 5: kind of therapisty speak to be healed, Okay, coming up now,
• 38:15
  Speaker 5: to be healed. So you know, I try not to
• 38:19
  Speaker 5: play games even when you want to.
• 38:21
  Speaker 7: It's like, gosh, do you want to be.
• 38:22
  Speaker 5: In a relationship that you're going to play games the
• 38:24
  Speaker 5: entire time or you're gonna wear right, you're gonna wear
• 38:27
  Speaker 5: a mask and then the person's going to figure out
• 38:29
  Speaker 5: who you really are and go, wait a second, you
• 38:31
  Speaker 5: were like so different three months ago, and now who's this?
• 38:35
  Speaker 5: And maybe I'm not into that? If you can just
• 38:38
  Speaker 5: try to just be yourself and show up and take
• 38:42
  Speaker 5: things as slow as you need to go, and start
• 38:44
  Speaker 5: maybe doing things a little differently than you're usual, You're
• 38:47
  Speaker 5: so aware, you're like, I'm a wounded bird. I'm guarded, Like,
• 38:50
  Speaker 5: are there anythings different that you could try in this
• 38:53
  Speaker 5: relationship that you haven't done in the past that sort
• 38:55
  Speaker 5: of led to a dead end or a disappointment.
• 38:58
  Speaker 4: Oh yeah, I'm sure there's a lot. I'll put together
• 39:01
  Speaker 4: the list tonight since my mind will be going. But no,
• 39:06
  Speaker 4: I don't want to play games. The stakes are really high.
• 39:08
  Speaker 4: I'm thirty five years old, i have two kids, and
• 39:11
  Speaker 4: the dating world is so different, like Amber said, than
• 39:15
  Speaker 4: when we were in our twenties and we had nothing to.
• 39:17
  Speaker 1: Lose and everything to gain.
• 39:19
  Speaker 4: Yes, so now you have to come into my world.
• 39:25
  Speaker 4: And I know that I'm okay by myself, right, I
• 39:30
  Speaker 4: have done the work where I'm one hundred percent and
• 39:33
  Speaker 4: I'm looking for my other one hundred percent.
• 39:35
  Speaker 5: What you just said there is revolutionary is amazing because
• 39:39
  Speaker 5: I think so many people, not everybody go into relationship.
• 39:43
  Speaker 5: We have this kind of like Hallmark version of like
• 39:45
  Speaker 5: I need to find someone to complete me. I need
• 39:48
  Speaker 5: to find my other half of the circle. I'm not
• 39:49
  Speaker 5: going to be okay if I'm not with somebody. And
• 39:53
  Speaker 5: maybe because you already had relationship, maybe because you've already
• 39:55
  Speaker 5: had children, you already had that experience, so that's kind
• 39:58
  Speaker 5: of already in your belt that maybe you're not looking
• 40:00
  Speaker 5: for someone to have kids with, where some other people
• 40:02
  Speaker 5: may be still wanting that or longing for that.
• 40:05
  Speaker 7: But I think that's huge.
• 40:06
  Speaker 5: I think the fact that you're okay alone is where
• 40:10
  Speaker 5: I would say is a lot of the work for
• 40:12
  Speaker 5: people who are looking to date. I think a lot
• 40:14
  Speaker 5: of decisions are made out of fear. A lot of
• 40:16
  Speaker 5: things are kind of your bar is brought down because
• 40:20
  Speaker 5: you want to be with somebody so badly, so good
• 40:23
  Speaker 5: that you're saying that I love that.
• 40:25
  Speaker 2: That kind of brings me back to the long distance
• 40:27
  Speaker 2: thing like this could be the perfect setup for you
• 40:29
  Speaker 2: where you have that time alone in that space to
• 40:34
  Speaker 2: feel like, you know, you're good on your own, but
• 40:37
  Speaker 2: then you're bringing someone in occasionally and maybe down the
• 40:40
  Speaker 2: line permanently where he fills up your bucket like that
• 40:44
  Speaker 2: other bucket and now you're just like overflowing as you know,
• 40:47
  Speaker 2: as a human being and like you're thriving that way.
• 40:50
  Speaker 2: This could be the perfect situation for it could be Yeah.
• 40:54
  Speaker 1: It could be right.
• 40:55
  Speaker 4: I'm like, I get to do my own thing and
• 40:58
  Speaker 4: with you saying you love what I just said, And Lissa,
• 41:00
  Speaker 4: my biggest fear is that if I bring someone in,
• 41:04
  Speaker 4: I will then lose myself and not be one hundred
• 41:07
  Speaker 4: percent anymore.
• 41:08
  Speaker 5: I know, I know, and that's a big fear, and
• 41:10
  Speaker 5: that's a risk, and that is a risk that everybody
• 41:14
  Speaker 5: has to take in order to open their heart to
• 41:16
  Speaker 5: love again once they've been hurt.
• 41:18
  Speaker 7: Everybody has to go through that.
• 41:19
  Speaker 5: And I hear people say all the time, forget it,
• 41:21
  Speaker 5: it's too hard, I can't do it.
• 41:23
  Speaker 7: I'm never doing this again.
• 41:25
  Speaker 5: But in my kind of experience, I think a lot
• 41:29
  Speaker 5: of us, and there's science to back this up, that
• 41:31
  Speaker 5: we're sort of wired to be in communities where we
• 41:33
  Speaker 5: feel seen and heard and not not kind of be alone,
• 41:38
  Speaker 5: whether that's like best friends or family or relationship. It
• 41:40
  Speaker 5: seems that that is what you're wanting. Some people don't
• 41:43
  Speaker 5: want to be in, you know, monogamous one on one relationship.
• 41:47
  Speaker 4: For you, that is something you would use exact at
• 41:49
  Speaker 4: the beginning where you are so into it. I like
• 41:52
  Speaker 4: my eye doesn't wander, I don't feel like I'm missing out.
• 41:55
  Speaker 4: I like a genuine connection where you're my person I arrive.
• 42:01
  Speaker 3: Yeah, calms my nervous system, which I'm sure does for
• 42:04
  Speaker 3: you too.
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: One percent.
• 42:06
  Speaker 6: Yeah. Yeah.
• 42:07
  Speaker 5: And I also love what Amber said a moment ago,
• 42:09
  Speaker 5: like just this idea of filling up your buckets and
• 42:12
  Speaker 5: how when we date someone you know, people like this,
• 42:15
  Speaker 5: and maybe I've been there too. When you meet somebody
• 42:17
  Speaker 5: and you do lose yourself, you cancel those dates with friends,
• 42:20
  Speaker 5: you stop doing the thing going to the gym, you
• 42:22
  Speaker 5: stop maybe working as hard or you know, doing the hobbies.
• 42:27
  Speaker 5: I think part of healing, especially if there's a wall
• 42:31
  Speaker 5: or anxiety that comes up, is to slow it down
• 42:34
  Speaker 5: a little bit, is to have kind of these deeper
• 42:38
  Speaker 5: emotional checkpoints of Okay, how's this person going to respond
• 42:41
  Speaker 5: if I bring up this vulnerable thing or that vulnerable thing,
• 42:45
  Speaker 5: and really take the time to move through this in
• 42:48
  Speaker 5: a way that makes sense that you can hold onto
• 42:50
  Speaker 5: your life, you know, so that you don't lose these
• 42:53
  Speaker 5: parts of yourself, even if you're like, man, I really
• 42:55
  Speaker 5: want to see him. He's in town, and I know
• 42:57
  Speaker 5: he's only here for a limited time, but I've got
• 42:59
  Speaker 5: plans with my girl friends, like just remember to keep
• 43:02
  Speaker 5: holding on to the parts of you that remind you
• 43:04
  Speaker 5: of who you are outside of this relationship.
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: Oh my god, Yeah, that was perfection. Well, let's I
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: have a question for you.
• 43:15
  Speaker 2: This is going to may come off so strange because
• 43:18
  Speaker 2: I'm a grown adult with raising teenage daughters and have
• 43:22
  Speaker 2: experienced being verry, divorced, heartbroken in love? What does love
• 43:30
  Speaker 2: mean like when you say like I love you to someone,
• 43:33
  Speaker 2: because I feel like it's changed so many different versions,
• 43:37
  Speaker 2: so romantically, what does that even mean.
• 43:41
  Speaker 4: For me?
• 43:42
  Speaker 5: It's not maybe going to sound as profound, but in
• 43:45
  Speaker 5: a feeling sense, it's profound for me to love somebody
• 43:49
  Speaker 5: and to feel that love returned is a feeling like
• 43:54
  Speaker 5: I can be who I am, I can show up
• 43:57
  Speaker 5: as I am and.
• 44:00
  Speaker 6: In all the parts of that right, So.
• 44:04
  Speaker 5: Knowing when I, you know, talk about loving my husband
• 44:07
  Speaker 5: and me feeling loved by him, it's the feeling that,
• 44:09
  Speaker 5: of course, life is going to happen. Of course we're
• 44:12
  Speaker 5: going to argue, Even healthy, happy couples argue, Even therapists
• 44:16
  Speaker 5: argue and say stupid things or like below the belt
• 44:20
  Speaker 5: things that I know better I shouldn't be saying. But
• 44:24
  Speaker 5: it's really to feel loved, in my opinion, is to
• 44:27
  Speaker 5: feel like you have somebody with you by your side
• 44:32
  Speaker 5: that is going to help you navigate and work out
• 44:34
  Speaker 5: whatever is coming your way, and that you can be
• 44:37
  Speaker 5: yourself and that you can be vulnerable and be authentic.
• 44:40
  Speaker 5: And of course there are moments that I'm sure you know,
• 44:43
  Speaker 5: it sounds lovely in theory, and then you put it
• 44:44
  Speaker 5: in practice. And there are things that I've said vulnerably
• 44:46
  Speaker 5: that my husband has a response to or a reaction
• 44:49
  Speaker 5: to that maybe isn't always positive, but we work through it.
• 44:53
  Speaker 5: And I think part of that is knowing that he's
• 44:56
  Speaker 5: going to repair and not give up. That allows me
• 44:58
  Speaker 5: to settle into this relationationship in such a deep way
• 45:01
  Speaker 5: and to feel truly loved.
• 45:04
  Speaker 2: Hmmm, I like that. Do you think it's conditional or
• 45:07
  Speaker 2: unconditional or a version of books?
• 45:10
  Speaker 5: You know, when I got married, I had in my
• 45:13
  Speaker 5: vowels because I wasn't into football and sports, and I
• 45:17
  Speaker 5: wasn't into like the music that he listened to, and
• 45:19
  Speaker 5: I wasn't into like some of these things.
• 45:20
  Speaker 6: And I said in my vowels like I.
• 45:22
  Speaker 5: Will love you unconditionally, and I'll learn to love football,
• 45:25
  Speaker 5: and I'll learn.
• 45:26
  Speaker 6: To love your music.
• 45:27
  Speaker 5: And I'm like, no, I just I think that people
• 45:29
  Speaker 5: come in very differently in relationships, and it's okay to
• 45:33
  Speaker 5: not have the same interests, or to have different opinions,
• 45:36
  Speaker 5: or to have different feelings. I don't like to put
• 45:39
  Speaker 5: it in such black or white terms conditional or unconditional.
• 45:43
  Speaker 5: I think when it goes to unconditional, it's can we
• 45:46
  Speaker 5: work through this together? And even though we have differences
• 45:49
  Speaker 5: of opinion or differences of preferences, as long as they're
• 45:51
  Speaker 5: not deal breakers. Right, If they're deal breakers like you
• 45:54
  Speaker 5: want to be, you know, in a threesome and I
• 45:57
  Speaker 5: don't like that, may be a deal breaker for something, right,
• 46:00
  Speaker 5: maybe yeah, but as long as they're not deal breaker conversations.
• 46:05
  Speaker 5: I think the unconditional part comes in with knowing again
• 46:09
  Speaker 5: that they're willing to repair maybe arguments that went off
• 46:13
  Speaker 5: track or situations that didn't go well and come back
• 46:16
  Speaker 5: to the table and say, you know what, I'm really
• 46:19
  Speaker 5: I'm open to owning my part now, I'm open to
• 46:21
  Speaker 5: having this conversation because the relationship matters more than like
• 46:25
  Speaker 5: winning the fight and winning the argument.
• 46:28
  Speaker 1: That's my dream. Man back down, let me just win this.
• 46:33
  Speaker 5: One, and knowing you know, if there's a man in
• 46:37
  Speaker 5: your life that kind of knows this is how Laala
• 46:39
  Speaker 5: goes like, let her just have the argument.
• 46:40
  Speaker 6: I know she'll settle down and she'll come back to
• 46:42
  Speaker 6: the table.
• 46:43
  Speaker 1: Oh, when we can talk about it, Yes, let me
• 46:45
  Speaker 1: be right.
• 46:46
  Speaker 4: Then I'll go in my room and I'll think about
• 46:48
  Speaker 4: it and then I'll come out and apologize for mine.
• 46:51
  Speaker 7: It's the whole thing, and that to me is unconditional love, Amber.
• 46:54
  Speaker 5: Kind of learning your partner's quirks, learning what makes them tick,
• 46:57
  Speaker 5: learning they're wounding, learning their oil, and trying as best
• 47:01
  Speaker 5: as you can not to weaponize it against them.
• 47:04
  Speaker 3: No, that's the worst.
• 47:05
  Speaker 2: That's no, you shouldn't even be in a relationship if
• 47:08
  Speaker 2: that's what you're doing.
• 47:09
  Speaker 6: Agreed.
• 47:10
  Speaker 4: I gained so much from this conversation. I'm so happy
• 47:14
  Speaker 4: that you came on. Thank you for giving me. The
• 47:18
  Speaker 4: listeners are gonna love it. Has a lot of work
• 47:22
  Speaker 4: she's got to do. Thank God for this woman, Amber,
• 47:27
  Speaker 4: You're always amazing.
• 47:27
  Speaker 6: I love you.
• 47:28
  Speaker 4: Best of luck to the both of us and whatever
• 47:30
  Speaker 4: love situation we may find. And thank you so much again, Melissa.
• 47:34
  Speaker 4: I'm so happy for you. You've given me so much.
• 47:36
  Speaker 6: Hope, Yay, I'm so glad. Yes, you're more than welcome.
• 47:41
  Speaker 4: Have the best day and you, guys, thank you for
• 47:43
  Speaker 4: listening to another episode of an Unlikely Affair.
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: We're going to catch you guys next week. Bye bye.