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When Something Just Feels Wrong: The Signs of a Sociopath · No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Hi, welcome to a mini episode of no Shrinking Violence.
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to talk today about sociopaths.
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Now, I only talk in these minis for less than seven minutes, so we're not going to dig too deep into this, but it's been on my mind because I had a situation that was so impactful in my life and it meant that I needed to leave a job that I loved because I had a boss that had behaviors that were so disconcerting and upsetting.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna stop short of saying sociopathic, but I'm gonna describe some of the things that happened, because I read somewhere that I think one in 25 people encounter a sociopath.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: So those aren't low odds.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: You're going to know that something is wrong, because here's one of the key things and I'm going to get a lot of my information that I'm telling you today.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: I got it from Martha Stout.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: She wrote the Sociopath Next Door and she also wrote Outsmarting the Sociopath, and these are just so validating if you've been in a situation where you've encountered someone like this.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: So the first thing is that it's very confusing because they don't operate in relationships like most of us do.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: Most of us care about the other person.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: We have empathy If we've done something.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: Usually it's inadvertent.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: If we've done something to hurt someone, we will acknowledge that or we feel it.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: We feel upset about that because we've done something that impacts somebody else.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: Someone with sociopathic tendencies lacks all of this, and it can be confusing because at first and I will tell you, even though this is not the first one in my life that I've encountered and I'm not talking about in my work although sociopaths are probably the last people that would choose to go to therapy, they go because someone forces them to go.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: This is an enduring personality disorder, so they don't change, and I don't say that lately.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: But the thing that's confusing is these people do things and we're like wait, I must have misunderstood.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: This has to be me, I must be not understanding something or misinterpreting it and will continue to try harder to connect with this person or please them.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to look down at my phone for a second because I want to read to you a list of things that Martha Stout included in Outsmarting the Sociopath, and almost every single one of these was true for me and the person that impacted my life.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: So, flattering the victim all the time attempts to appear kind and helpful, and this is where it gets confusing, because they will give compliments or the line that was used.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: I couldn't wait to work with you.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: I heard so much about you.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: Attempts to oh, I said that one appear kind and helpful Lying Now, this is the one that I think, even though I am very well past this, because I had contact recently with the person from my life and I am at a point where I have apathy and that's really where you kind of want to get to, because if you have hate, that's not good.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: If you are, you know, feeling resentful or you want revenge, that's all getting worked up about something you can't change.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: When you get to a point where it's nothing, you know, you feel nothing, that's a wonderful place to be.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: But the lying to me was, I mean things that were said.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: We're not used to somebody lying to us, just flat out lying, and so I think when that happens we assume the default is often well, it must be true.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: But if it doesn't match what you know and the lies can often be about things about you, somebody said this about you so when that happens, you know, all of us, I think, somewhere inside have a little bit of self-doubt, so it goes right into the core of that self-doubt Right Um, the pity play.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: So when you start to get some strength and realize I have to do something about this, I have to act a different way, they're excellent at making you feel guilty for that.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: They need something from you.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: Blaming intimidation the intimidation was just wicked.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: So if it's a situation at work, you know it's someone that has some control over you.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: If they're your supervisor, if it's a relationship with a partner and there are children involved, there's a lot at stake.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: So, and the final thing is cold-blooded betrayal.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: So true, I still have no idea what this person might have said about me.
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: I've stopped caring because, again, there's nothing I can do about it, and I have to trust that the people that were surrounding the situation had a chance to know me.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: I had known them for quite a long time.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: Situation had a chance to know me.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: I had known them for quite a long time.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: So I really felt compelled to talk about sociopathy, because we use that word often.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: We also use narcissist a lot, and it's one of those things where there is a diagnosis for these things.
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: It's very clear how to diagnose it.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: So I'll talk more about narcissism later, in another episode.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: But if you have someone in your life that you feel it doesn't make sense.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: Their behavior doesn't make sense.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: One of the keys I will tell you is at all costs, try not to have an emotional reaction, because that's like pouring gas on a fire.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: That's what motivates them.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: But if you need more tips, I can't recommend anything more highly than Martha Stout's books the Sociopath Next Door and Outsmarting the Sociopath.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: They're excellent.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: So thanks for listening today.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: If you have any comments, you can text me directly at the link in the show notes or comment.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: I would love if you would even leave a review.
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: You don't have to write anything.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: You can just give me the stars and until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant Violet that you are.