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Rabbi Moshe Haber Iggeret Ramban:Anger, Humility, and Personal Control 11.2.25 · Rabbi Moshe Haber - Daily Mussar/Weekly Perasha

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  Goes on like we said it seems like such a simple letter, but
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  if you go line by line you analyze it really holds our
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  entire existence and what it makes to be means to be a the
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  client who we want to be so we started with a person should
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  talk softly and that'll save you from anger.
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  He's very strong about how how difficult anger is how he uses
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  the word gay. Now when a person allows anger
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  to take hold of his life at all, then he's really allowing a lack
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  of control. And that can lead to the worst
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  things is your rights. And then he says when you go the
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  office away, when you save yourself from anger as you read
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  last week and you move over to a very positive zone with the less
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  anger we have, the more humility we have.
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  Now, these things don't directly relate in our own minds.
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  How does anger management as they call it?
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  How does controlling our anger bring us to you nude?
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  Let's see the words first 'cause she Internet salesman are cost.
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  When you are seeing some anger talea Libra MI dot anava you're
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  going to have in your heart. It's elevated the strength of
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  your nudity shahimi dot tovao Nikola MI dot tovot which is the
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  number one positive trait the person can have.
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  Is you Moody? We talk about this all the time.
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  It's a number one thing a person can have.
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  It's not spoken about enough. In my opinion, it's the best
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  thing. It's the most impressive me da.
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  It's the most important me da. And how does a person get there
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  according to their own button? He gets it through controlling
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  his anger. Now we have to figure that out.
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  How does control of anger lead to your mood?
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  And then we'll talk about why he mood is so special.
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  How does one lead to the other? It's one thing to be, you know,
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  I don't get angry, OK? I make sure to avoid getting
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  riled up. I calm myself down.
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  I avoid the situations, I hold my tongue.
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  I don't get angry. I got it.
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  Beautiful. I'm an easier person to be
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  around, that's for sure. No one's nervous.
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  I'm going to say. No one's nervous how I'm going
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  to react. All right, But how does that
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  hold you back? How does that develop you
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  actually, to becoming a humble person?
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  What do you think then? You can't.
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  Control, so I'm not controlling. OK, you're a snide direct carry
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  over, we said. Anger was really.
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  Close those songs gets respect. Right.
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  OK, good. Ask for respect.
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  That good, the big trigger of anger.
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  And then if you look at this, if I didn't and they came out even,
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  you'll find a lot of correlation between two things.
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  And I'll add a third. A lot of correlation between
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  anger and arrogance. Anger and arrogance are directly
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  related. The mindset is very simple and
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  I'll show you a third one in a second.
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  The mindset is when a person gets anger, it's as I just said,
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  it's because a lack, I was feeling a lack of respect.
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  Ultimately a person gets triggered because they say you
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  said that to me. You don't mess with me, you
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  don't do this to me. You know who I am.
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  All those terms, all different ways of saying I don't deserve
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  to be disrespected. So anger is directly related to
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  be feeling arrogant. And the mindset that he's
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  telling you is, is that when a person tell themselves I'm in
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  control and they work backward, which is if they control the way
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  they react, what they're in a sense saying is you break it
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  down. How do you control anger?
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  I've never been to an anger management class, but I'm
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  assuming you tell the guy, breathe in, breathe out, all
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  that type of stuff. All right, pause, pause, walk
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  away, right? Pause, pause.
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  Fair. So you control anger with pause
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  the way you totally control anger.
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  That's and the reaction everything that was the reaction
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  issue. The way you get beyond that,
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  which is not only to not have the reaction that really be
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  upset in the first place, which is a whole nother level is when
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  you tell yourself I don't have a reason to be angry.
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  I don't deserve. I don't have a right every time
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  someone says something to feel like it's going at me.
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  Certain people, they're in a room, they hear a conversation,
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  they feel like these daggers going at them every time.
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  Not always is someone talking to you.
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  Not always does someone need to hurt you and even if they do not
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  always is that's considered the biggest sin of all time, right?
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  If you change your mindset to your reactions, not only, as you
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  said, pause, which is probably #1 if you get beyond that, which
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  is you tell yourself, I don't really have a right to get anger
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  every time. Not always do I have the the
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  purpose and the and the right, as you say, to demand more
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  respect and you'll be less angry because anger really comes.
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  I'm a sense that I deserve a lot, and the less I feel I
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  deserve, the less angry you get. I know that I've said this
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  before, in before I was in a any sort of leadership role,
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  whatever you call this, I got angry much less right, vicious,
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  vicious out vicious royal range to be thankful, right?
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  Good, very good. Exactly.
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  So before this role, I got angry much less in this role in the
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  beginning, for sure. There's a mindset of you know
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  what I mean? I asked you to do something you
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  didn't do it that type of head, right?
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  I'm sure when you run a company and you have an employee and
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  you're paying the guy, maybe overpaying the guy, right?
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  You did him so many favors to help him out when he was doing a
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  wedding, whatever else. And then they don't do what you
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  ask them to do. There's a mindset out there,
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  which is even if you're a very giving, caring, kind person,
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  that sort of situation evaluated, they crossed you
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  evaluated, they messed you over, and that triggers and the
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  mindset has to be in. The greats have always showed,
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  like I said, leadership. The great people have always
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  showed they can be, they can be giving and then they give me
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  someone can mess them over. I'm not saying they're going to
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  be abused much. I say that they can be giving,
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  then they can mess over and then tomorrow it's the same approach.
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  They don't change your approach. They don't say, you know what,
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  oh, I got, I got someone hurt me, someone wronged me.
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  I therefore have to change how I do things.
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  Maybe be a little bit more careful for your own sake.
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  You got to be going to be wary and you know you cannot allow
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  yourself to be stepped on. But overall, they'll do it again
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  and they'll provide for the guy again because it's not about me
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  and it's not about, oh, I'm in the giving position or I'm the
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  leadership position. I'm the boss.
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  And because then I have the right to say things the way they
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  are. You do have the right to ask for
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  certain things. But the anger, which means the
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  fury and the smoke coming out of your nostrils, that scene is a
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  mindset that's coming from a belief that I deserve.
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  We don't want to ever be in a position of deserving because
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  the reality is we don't deserve maybe Hakaratov, from his point
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  of view, he should have Akaratov.
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  You might want to teach him if you can be in full sense of body
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  and mind to be able to be in control.
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  You might want to teach that person to have Akaratov that
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  yes, oh, a different state. You want him to have Akaratov,
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  but you don't want to be the one who gets furious at him.
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  There's a different state and this will lead to humility.
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  Always. You want to end up by humility.
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  How beautiful is next step is this?
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  How beautiful is humility? Before I go forward, I want to
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  make sure that point was clear and I'm sure it's accepted.
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  What do you think about that last point?
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  All right, What do you think? Worse.
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  Makes sense. You think it makes sense.
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  The rather he says something, you're doing a leadership role.
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  And he asked somebody to do something and they don't do it.
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  There's artification to reactions.
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  There's nothing nothing to do with getting angry.
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  For exactly. Absolutely somebody for not you
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  have what a day job was supposed to do and you shouldn't feel
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  guilty about fire or. Something absolutely 2
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  completely different things to be in full control and to make
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  mature decisions has nothing to do with anger.
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  The The confusion that we have is that we always imagine that
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  you're fired scene and the the reactionary is seen as the
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  moments that you know, people make decisions.
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  That's wrong. You shouldn't make a decision in
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  that moment of costing that fit of rage.
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  You should make a very mature decision.
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  Absolutely you should find absolutely you should be
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  efficient and you know what? If you're not efficient at times
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  you might be hurting somebody else, someone else who could
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  have got a better job. Someone else deserves A
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  promotion, maybe your family who deserves that money.
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  All those things are in play as well.
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  You have to be mature, had to be cooled down and to be calm.
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  This is the mind, Sir. All right, You have to know what
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  the stuff, that's for sure, But we're trying to avoid even
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  getting there. And when you get there, you
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  definitely have to know when to stop.
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  Now what's? So beautiful about humility.
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  What's a bit of ability humility?
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  What makes it so an attractive we da the number one one that
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  Hashem once. What's the idea All right, so
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  again, it's very similar to what we just said.
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  No, he's a good. Person, he has a good.
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  Heart. When a guy is humble, he opens
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  himself up to so much more of life on your home.
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  Everything changes for you when you have a level of humility.
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  Actually how many things you can.
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  People can deal with you more, You can do other people more.
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  You have 1000 times more. You're not shamayim on your hum
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  because when you're humble, you have the ability to recognize
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  Hashem's existence. When you're not humble, you're
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  constantly seeing yourself and where do I fit in and where are
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  people going to say about me? What are they saying about me?
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  What's happening to me? All right, Lack of humility
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  literally fills up your world, I think.
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  So your ability to be the most productive person, with
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  humility, you shrink yourself down and now you have room for
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  everything else, everybody else, everyone else, including God.
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  So humility is an ability to be your lean self when you're
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  arrogant. When a person's arrogant, then
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  all they're seeing their entire life is how do I fit in what's
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  happening to me? What's so and so saying about
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  me? What are they thinking about me?
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  How do they look at me? Right?
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  Is all the natural mindset that we have, right?
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  You walk into a wedding myself, me, myself and I exactly, you
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  walk into a wedding and there's 1000 people, an arrogant person
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  and this is very normal. An arrogant person or a
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  self-conscious person is thinking that the 1000 people,
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  how are they looking at me? And it's normal.
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  You're going to a wedding. Do you know what's very funny
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  thing? All they're thinking about all
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  those people is themselves or maybe nothing.
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  Then definitely not all thinking about you, right?
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  You've been the other side of the corner.
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  You see a million people. You think about all of them.
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  You care what they look like that much.
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  It makes such a big difference to you.
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  Every person you see by the wedding, every person you see in
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  shul, you think you're you're sizing them up every minute.
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  No, right. Are you?
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  I don't think we are. So if we're not doing to others
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  and they're not doing to us, so we're confusing ourselves and
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  we're wasting our time and our existence by being arrogant and
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  self-conscious. Humility is waking us every
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  morning and being thankful to Jeff.
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  Humility is simply, and you know what?
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  It's 100% right? And with humility, you enjoy it
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  all. You're thankful.
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  How can I talk? As you said before as well, Miss
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  Tessa, how can I talk Tov level of appreciation of everything
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  that's going on and you're living, I'm telling you,
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  arrogance, self-conscious, all those mindsets are not living.
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  All they're doing is destroying their life because they're
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  thinking about other people saying about them.
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  And a person who is humble, a person who is thankful, a person
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  is appreciative, a person who's just here, not busy with
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  everything else, he's living. He's the full person.
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  It seems the opposite. You look at the other guy who
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  was a big deal and he looks like he's the one who's larger than
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  life figure. A larger than life figure
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  normally is literally larger than life.
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  They don't have life, a small life.
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  Individual people like what we try to be, people who are just
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  living day in and day out and enjoying themselves.
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  They are living it up while the other guy is really not.
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  And that's the contrast between arrogance and humility.
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  You want to be lean. You don't want to be busy with
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  your bloated self. You want to just be yourself and
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  you're blessed. He blessed with so much more.
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  And this is the mindset that I'm Bond is telling his son.
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  He's telling his son in his letter that I want you to become
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  a humble person and extremely humble person that I'm Bond
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  rights. We've said this before. 1 midah
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  that a person should take all the way home is the midah of
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  humility. My old my old a person should be
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  very, very humble. Don't save anything else.
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  And in America today, the mindset is being overly humble,
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  me being taken as advantage of. No.
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  That's neos those. People can't be happy.
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  That's a chaos it's not even arrogance the whole the world,
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  but humility is just being yourself that next to the middle
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  Lord more double very. Did you say that that being
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  humble is looked at as we right in America today.
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  Being humble is like that as we because they misconstrued
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  humility is humility. I was is, is not this guy.
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  That's not a humble guy. Sometimes you find the guy was a
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  very proud person, but he's really humble because he's OK
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  with life and he's OK with other people and he's not really
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  self-conscious and he's not arrogant and he's not yelling
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  and he's not talking down to people.
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  He's just living his own beautiful, wonderful life.
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  And that's a very humble person and he's fully in control for
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  sure. What about a guy that fights
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  back? Teddy.
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  What are the guys that fights back?
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  They attack him, attack him, attack him and he fights back.
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  He doesn't accept it. OK, there's something else in
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  America which is a different head, which is his mindset of
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  not being taken advantage of, which is something that has to
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  be applied in few and far between cases.
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  There are is there is a situation where a person has to
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  say, I'm not being taken advantage of.
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  I'll give you a side conversation that we had
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  recently was kids when they get, you know, hit, what should they
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  do back? Should they punch back?
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  Should they run to a teacher? And it's a serious conversation
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  that has many ramifications. And it's a real 1.
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  So some say punch back, some say push back, that people are
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  afraid if their kids run away, then they're going to display
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  more bullying. And it's a real conversation
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  that's a few and far between the situation.
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  You have to be very careful. You don't want to allow
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  bullying. You don't want to allow a world
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  of being taken advantage of. At the same time, you don't want
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  to develop a MIDA of a fighter. That's a very serious
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  conversation as a separate conversation.
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  But overall got a. Situation that when my son
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  Morris was in fabric he was a young kid and he comes home and
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  he says dad this guy is cagging me bullying me you know and then
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  good what you do is he keeps throwing it to me I says you
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  know why then Simon does it to you poncho and if the teacher
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  does anything to you I'll come up I'll.
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  Come back. This is passes, not just some
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  limitations. OK, OK.
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  You've. Never had a.
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  Problem with. It's very funny, OK?
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  It's a big question. This is a big question that I
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  don't know the full answer on. I'm scared to tell my children
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  to punch him because. Because, you know we're in my
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  girls, right? Refalias I tried that same piece
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  of my real children. And stops, right, exactly
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  because we have a hey we don't like exactly.
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  It's a heart. For my, for my father, Shalom,
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  that if somebody, if somebody steps on you, you're on your
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  toe, then you break his leg. So I tell you, this is a real,
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  I'm telling you this isn't a real challenge.
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  This is the real debate. But that's again, that is not
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  the common case. People like to believe you don't
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  ever see a guy that shit, you're messing with me, you're messing
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  me. They go like and they're jumping
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  on you and like, what's up? What just happened?
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  Someone drove. I heard of you.
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  Like what happened then just like I overdid that mindset.
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  So yes, it does come up few and far between cases a couple of
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  times out of a life, a year, whatever you decide.
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  But overall, the regular go to approach in a daily life is
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  emoting the regular approach. You should not have fits of
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  anger daily. You should not have situations
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  where you feel people crossed you all the time.
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  If that's happening all the time, it's in your head or you
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  have their own structure of life.
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  But see me should not be happening all the time.
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  Typical day should include the fact that you could, you're
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  happy, you settled, you're OK and you find and that's all
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  because you've adopted a level of humility that tells you I'm
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  myself. I'm very comfortable myself.
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  I'm very proud of myself. Actually.
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  A humble person is actually a super confident person.
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  You know that a real humble person is very confident.
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  He's very good in his skin. I don't think that every time an
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  arrow flies over there, it's coming at me.
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  I don't think every word that said in my presence is
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  considered a diagram me. They weren't always hinting at
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  me. That's another major and
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  arrogant self-conscious mindset. Instead, I'm good, I'm
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  comfortable, I'm happy and because of that I'm blessed
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  person when I'm humble and response other people around you
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  love you. The reality is when you're
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  humble, you have a degree of hand, have a degree of
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  likability. There's no one is self-conscious
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  in your presence. That's the final straw of
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  humility and it's a great blessing because no one thinks
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  what is he going to say about me?
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  What are they going to say when I leave?
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  What are they saying behind my back?
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  That's all comes When you're arrogant, this is what they're
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  thinking. When you're humble, they're not
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  thinking that at all. Stop with this.