Latest / Claymore: Become Who You Are / #555 Navigating Modern Parenting: Faith, Technology, and Family Dynamics with Dr. Ray Guarendi

Transcript

#555 Navigating Modern Parenting: Faith, Technology, and Family Dynamics with Dr. Ray Guarendi · Claymore: Become Who You Are

• 0:10
  Speaker 1: I am excited to be back with Dr Ray.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Dr Ray Grundy is a Catholic father of 10, clinical psychologist, author, professional speaker and national radio and television host.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: His radio show the Doctor Is In in can be heard on over 440 stations and sirius xm channel 130.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: His ewtn television series living right with dr ray is aired in 140 countries.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: That's astounding actually.
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: Dr ray, so good to have you hard part, jack is learning all those languages you know.
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: The only one I really got down pat is Australian.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: Hello, hello, oh, that's awesome.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: That's awesome.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I wonder how you did that.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: I was wondering how you did that.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: Hey, dr Ray, we need you.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: We really need you.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: We're grateful for you.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: At the John Paul II Renewal Center, we work with a lot of families, a lot of kids going all the way down to adolescence and even coming into puberty.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: The kids are not okay, dr Ray.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: They talk about it themselves to us anxiety, depression.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: How come so many of my peers talk about suicide?
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: So we go back to the parents, right, and we try to get them all together.
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: Parents are finally waking up to the fact that they may be coming at this a little late, that their kids need more than just to give them a phone, send them out to school and abdicate this to experts, and they're finding out that something's missing.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: And as we start to show them how to bring this faith, life and virtues and values back to their kids and start to talk about this stuff again, they realize that they need help.
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: They need help.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: You wrote a book, and you've written a number of books, but your last one I really love it.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: I love all your stuff, but Family, faith Under Fire, practical Answers to Everyday Challenges.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: It's awesome, but before we get there, dr Ray, can you give us a little background?
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: You've done this in the past, but I just love it.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Education, your education, secular school when you study psychology, you return to the faith, talk a little bit about your marriage and those kids, and the reason is I want them to know that you know your stuff.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: I mean, you're not just a wonderful psychologist, but you've got a family life going.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: You know this intimately, don't you?
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: At one point, jack, our kids were 12, 11, 10, 10, 9, 7, 4, 3, 2, and baby, my 10 children are all adopted.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: I know that One of the great things about adoption.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: You can tell this to your listeners if they want to adopt.
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: If you adopt in December, you still get the tax deduction for the whole, but you got to keep that in mind.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: Especially if you're getting up to 10, you know you're, you're such a gift.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: I mean, when I think about that, I and I knew that detail and I was going to prod you to tell that if you didn't.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: But that's spectacular, really it is.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: I mean what a heart that you and your wife have to have and what a joy you know I could just imagine.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: You know craziness when you're, you know kids are all that age, but what, what a joy that you you've created, you know, over the years with this tell us a little bit about that.
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: Will you brag?
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: Yes, please.
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: Okay, I hate when parents brag, but and I'm gonna, I'm gonna give into the temptation.
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: Uh, recently one of my son's parole officer says he's nice as kid, he's got you know when you hear something like that you feel yes, it's got to make you feel good, right?
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: How old is the oldest one now?
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: 37.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: Oh nice, we got any grandkids.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: Eight, eight grandkids, 37, down to 25.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: And I'm not one of these grandparents that spoil your kids.
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: Nope, nope, nope, I have very strict standards.
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: Jack oil your kid.
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: Nope, nope, nope.
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: I tell I have very strict standard, jack.
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: I told my grandson the other day you finish your four cookies before I give you another pint of ice cream.
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, you gotta have standards you gotta have standards.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: You gotta have standards.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: And it's a little easier being a grandfather, isn't it I?
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: I have seven.
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: I have seven.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: You can have them back I have some.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: Well, I'll tell you what.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: Of those seven, dr, six of them are girls, and that's why having you on the show and talking about this and your book is so important to me, because this is real stuff.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: You know, we did as parents, we've abdicated our responsibility.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: For whatever reason, I don't know why we stepped away from this.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: I guess we thought the schools were going to do it, or maybe maybe the church was going to do it, or maybe their phones were going to do it, but parents themselves got a little lazy.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: I think you know and I'm speaking in general, right, I mean, you know there's parents that have been at this for the whole time, but I've had a parent, dr Ray, and not just one, that said Jack, I've left it to my child, my children, to create their own value systems.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: I'll let them decide if they're going to go to church or not go to church.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: Well, now they're finding out that was not such a good idea, because the culture that may have been good, you know, two, three, four generations ago, or better at, is a toxic culture now.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: And we tell them, dr Ray, and you know this well, if you don't stand up and start taking this seriously, but then they go.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: How do I do it?
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: I don't know, and that's why we had to come to you, dr Ray, to give us some practical advice.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: It's real simple, jack.
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: This culture is no longer on the side of parents, no longer on the side of parents, especially those parents who want to raise God-seeking kids.
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: First thing you got to have is vigilance.
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: You've got to be aware that the direction of the culture is not the direction you want to go if you're going to raise a God-seeking child.
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: If your child is 11 and doesn't have a smartphone, you're in a small minority.
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: Do you have the kind of parental strength to stand against that?
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: If your child is 15, and I believe they shouldn't have a smartphone at 15, I can't tell you how much destruction they do to kids' psyches, their souls.
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: Everything At age 15, oh, you're in the bottom one or two percent.
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: Everything at age 15.
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: Oh, you're in the bottom one or 2%.
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: So if you realize the strength it takes, jack, to be a parent and say this is what I'm going to do because I believe this is best.
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: So that's the first thing.
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: The second thing is this is not a farm in 1880 anymore.
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: You can't just assume your kids are going to absorb traditional morals.
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: They're not.
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: The culture is so much more entertaining than you are, dad and mom, and they're going to teach them.
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: So, as a parent, you got to be aware, you got to be willing to stand strong.
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: You know, I always say this, jack if my kids go astray, I can live with myself.
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: If I can say they had to go through me, I didn't step aside.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you for that.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: Hey, and Dr Ray, while you were speaking there, you know you made this point, but I'm going to just make it again, in essence, that the culture is not neutral, is it?
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: No, you know, sometimes I think we think, well, you know, I'm going to put them out there, I'll be around, right, I'm around and we'll help them.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: But we don't, we, we, we don't realize and we should today that the culture you named all these things already and they can come in through your phones and all these different ways the culture is not neutral.
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: It's after your kids today, I would say, you know, from what I know from the John Paul II Renewal Center, it's nefarious.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: I mean, the culture will grab them.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: You know, we're working with young people now, 13, 14, 15, and they're with their parents that have been addicted to porn.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: You know this is an adult show, dr ray that they're having sex already, going to youth group, meeting a girl and having sex, and, and so this is not neutral.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: And if we don't stand up to the plate, like you said, dr ray, and take it seriously ourselves, for number one, we have to get right, and then when we get right you know, maybe even while we're getting right, right, it's bring this back into the, into the family.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: How do we?
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: do that.
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: Let me give you a couple of scary stats, and I don't say them to scare you and I don't say them to bemoan that we're all going to hell in a handbasket.
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: I say it to make parents aware of the kind of strength they now have to have.
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: What percentage of boys ages 11 to 19, according to one survey, have come across pornography?
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: It's the vast majority.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: I mean, is it 90?
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: 90.
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Second question.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: So give the ages again, dr Ray.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: For anybody that missed that, their mind was wandering.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: I mean 90%.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: And this is hardcore porn, right?
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: This is not some picture with a woman in a negligee.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: This is bad stuff, dr Reyes.
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah this is through their computer, this is through their smartphones, this is through their buddy's smartphone, even if you say, well, my kid doesn't have one, yeah, but his buddy does, and you just let him sleep overnight at his buddy's house, even though you knew his buddy had a smartphone.
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: Another statistic I hope this isn't right.
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm starting to think it might be what percentage of children raised in Catholic homes called Catholic, I guess stay Catholic, Wow so practicing Catholics.
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: Maybe 50%, 15.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: 15?
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: , one five.
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: One, five, Wow.
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: Now you know this is to make parents aware that the culture is so good.
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: It is incredibly good.
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: It's good beyond anything you can imagine at teaching your children that you don't know what you're talking about as a minority, that traditional morals and religions are bigoted and phobic and nasty and judgmental.
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: No-transcript.
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: I'm going to use your 80% rule 50 to 85%, 50 to 85%, yeah.
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: You want to know what percentage of people enter marriage as virgins.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's got to be low.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: That's got to be 10, 15?
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: Three, three percent, holy cow.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: That's got to be 10, 15, 3, 3, holy cow.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: Does that mean all I'm?
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: Saying is this is how our culture thinks so, dr ray, when you said that three percent is that, is that both the man and the woman, because you know I might use the stat later today.
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: All I know is that of of the people surveyed or the people that have been asked.
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: Okay, 3%, wow.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: The reason I say this is.
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: I'm only saying that as a parent.
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: You just can't assume that if you send them to Catholic school and you go to mass on Sunday, they're going to automatically just absorb this and it's going to get into them.
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: As a parent like I wrote the book you're going to have to answer and almost counter these forces and you have to have a steel rod through your spine that's about three inches thick to stand against that culture.
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: Who's going to look at you and say and the experts do this too, jack Well, your kids are going to rebel.
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: If you make them go to church when they don't want to go to church, they're going to puke up religion.
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: Well, you know, you realize that they're going to get resentful and sneaky.
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: And if you do this and you make them feel countercultural, they're going to hate you and they're going to get deceptive.
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: That's the kind of stuff parents are told by the experts.
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: So you know what I call it, jack.
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: I call it parenting scared.
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: They're parenting scared If a parent says no, no, no, a smartphone at age 14 is not good, it's not going to happen.
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: Okay, very few parents can go there, I'm comfortable with that decision and that's good.
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: No, no, no, no, they second guess themselves.
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: Jeez, you know what happens now.
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: I mean boy, she seems so unhappy and she's she's saying how can I talk to my friends and I'm not going to have any friends and pretty soon you know what about the track coach?
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: I mean, he has to get ahold of her through text.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: That's the only way that they contact us, and the child's probably telling you all this stuff and I say well, okay, get him a flip phone.
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: And you try to hand a flip phone to a kid, they'll look at you like oh, oh, what's it do?
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, there's no way I'm going to take that out in front of my friends.
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: Are you kidding me?
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: Yuck, that's how they react?
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: How about the watch?
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: How about I hear parents getting the watch now as a as a substitute?
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: Because because they can call if they need to.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: A parent can call and they can call.
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: They have a list and you have to put the list in.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: It sounds like something that and you can't watch videos on there and you can only text.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: But you can only text the names the parents and the child put in there.
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: I always tell that to parents.
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: If you can get something that has those kind of safeguards on it, that's wonderful.
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: There's parents.
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: If you can get something that has those kind of safeguards on it, that's wonderful.
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: There's phones out there you can get.
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: There's the Gab phone, there's the Wise phone.
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: You can pair that child's Chrome tablet to yours and you know everything that goes through that.
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: Yes, there's all kinds.
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: But here's the catch, jack.
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: 50% of parents don't do that.
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: They just assume.
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: Well, I got to trust my kid.
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: You know, this is this is no, you can't do that because it's by accident.
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: You know that's a great point, Dr Ray, because you may be able to trust your kid, but every young guy that we talk to that that's had a porn addiction and there's a lot of them, to your point earlier.
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: I know them for a fact because these guys are in their 20s now and they're and they're trying to get out of what started when they were eight and nine years old by accident by accident.
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: You know, they heard something at school, some talk about sex or whatever.
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: They googled it and boom, and, and one by one they say jack, I wasn't looking for this.
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: You know I wasn't looking, but once they do, you know they're, they're not going to get.
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: They're curious.
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: What is this?
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: What is going on?
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: Very nefarious.
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: I want to switch gears for something, because this is the most common referral I get now among older, faith-filled Catholic parents, and that is the distress that their kids have left to faith.
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: They either reject it, or they neglect it, or they're hostile toward it.
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: They just don't want any part of it.
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: And what happens is the parents.
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: They blame themselves, especially moms.
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: Where did I go wrong?
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: You know?
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: I know I should have prayed the rosary in Aramaic while I knelt on the glass and levitated, you know.
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: So they second guess, they look back.
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: What did I do wrong?
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, no, I was one of those.
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: I was one of those parents for a while.
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: This is going back some years, but you're exactly right.
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: Well, here's the thing.
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: In many cases, the only thing they did wrong is that they were human.
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: Okay, they were human.
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: So I'm going to, if you'll help me and any of your listeners right now and this exercise is in the book I take the guilt away from parents, logically, and here's how I do it.
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: You ready to help me?
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: I am Okay.
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: Answer yes or no to these questions.
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: Is there a God?
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: Yes, is Christ God?
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: Yes, was he sinless?
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: Yes, could he perform miracles?
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: Did he have a perfect understanding of human nature?
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: Could he get most people to follow him?
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: No, I tell parents.
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: Oh so you think you're better at this than the God man?
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: Can you do a miracle?
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: Can you even do a crummy card trick?
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: I tell parents, our Lord himself couldn't get most people to follow him.
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: And that was in a religious culture.
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: I asked them.
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: I said if our Lord came down and whispered instructions into your ear every step of the way on how to raise this kid in the faith, would that guarantee that your kid would be in the faith?
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: And every parent says no.
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: I said well, why not?
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: Well, because he's got his own personality and he can choose where to go and he can get seduced by the culture.
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: I go right, that's exactly right.
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: And God gave us that thing called free will, dr Ray, didn't he, you know?
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: I always tell people you know, my kids are grown now.
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: I got some going to serve the church, I got some probably going to serve time.
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: You know, they just vary.
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: Maybe they can help each other Dr.
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: Ray, I was going to say we're all going to have to study in prison.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: Amazing.
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: Well, here's.
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: So you brought up two important things.
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: When the kids are really small, dad especially and I say this to get dads off dads need to go to church, they need to go to mass, because at least when they're small they'll go with you and if you can make it fun, you know, I used to take my guys.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: I came back into the faith and they were already, you know, four or five, six, seven years old.
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: So then I had to get them in the habit of it, but I would take them out for breakfast, we'd make it fun and we had some of the best times, right.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: So you have to do something, I think, and it's a wonderful thing to do as a family.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: But then we're looking at a different situation, you know, when they get older.
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: So maybe you could address both of those, dr Ray.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: I mean the importance when they're really young.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: And then what do I do when they're a teen, say, and they're still under my roof?
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: Nope, I don't want to go to mass anymore.
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: Two, levels to this.
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: Jack, there was a survey done some many years ago that said if both parents take the kids to church, that that's the highest percentage of kids likely to go to church as adults.
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: If mom alone takes the kids to church, it drops quite a bit.
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: All right, I've read that.
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, if dad alone takes the kids to church, the percentage is as high as if both take the kids.
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: It shows you the power of a dad in modeling the faith.
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: Okay, so that is the first thing.
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: The second thing is this my grandmother came from Italy.
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: At age eight she went to St Anthony's Church, parish in Canton, Ohio, the home of Mother Angelica, who went to St Anthony's Par, parish in Canton, ohio, the home of Mother Angelica, who went to St Anthony's Parish, which was my parish, and my dad went to high school with Mother Angelica.
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: Honest to goodness.
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: If my grandpa, if my grandmother said well, the priest said this, so therefore I believe it and that was it.
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: That's it, that's what the faith said.
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: I agree with it.
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: She didn't say why.
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: She didn't say prove to me your case.
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: Nowadays, when a 14, 15, 16-year-old kid doesn't understand this, you can't just simply say well, that's what we do, because God says so, because the Bible says so.
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: You can't do that anymore.
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: You've got to be able, as a parent, to explain.
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: Okay, let me tell you why.
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: The church's morality is this.
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: Let me tell you why the church teaches you can't kill a baby in a womb, no matter how bad the situation was, or why two same-sex individuals can't go and get married.
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: The kids are being told the exact opposite.
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: When we've got a political party that says we have to celebrate abortion, all right, so you've got half the country voting that way, so they're looking at this and saying, hey, how can all those people be wrong?
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: So the parent has to know the faith.
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: You have to be able to at least, and if you don't know it, you find out.
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: Go to a website, type your question in and you'll get all kinds of explanations.
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: Dr Ray, that's so important for people.
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: It's when you start to try to answer questions for kids and other people that your faith really can start to grow, if you put it in proper perspective, like you just did.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: John Paul II we're the John Paul II Renewal Center.
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: John Paul II would say what you said over and, over and over again Learn the faith, is he?
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: still in my material.
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: I don't know if he's in your material, but he's certainly in my heart, dr Ray.
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: I hope you keep putting him in your material.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: I hope you keep putting him in there, because what a gift he was, wasn't he?
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: What a gift.
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: But he's saying exactly what you're saying.
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: He never once as holy a man as he was.
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: He never once quoted from my books.
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: He didn't.
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: No, I've written him.
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: When he was alive, I told him.
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: I said, holy Father, did you want to say something?
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: He should have, because I'm sure some of those ideas came out of your books and you know what?
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: I hope he footnoted that somewhere, dr Ray.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: I hope he footnoted that You're both blessing.
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: You're both a blessing, you know.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: What do you think about the teenager?
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: Then that's really, I mean, look at it, 13, 14 years old, you should still be able to what you should be able to.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: And here's one of the things I'm going to ask you about because, again, we get from teens and you would think you can't do this with teens, but we're doing it all the time.
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: Now we're just saying, you know why?
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: Why don't you learn to, to, to find some peace, to get away from that anxiety?
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: They're feeling this, dr ray.
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: I mean, I think sometimes we're afraid.
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: I know I was at times when my kids were small, afraid to, you know, breach every subject, but now I think the culture's got bad enough.
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: When we're speaking to young people, they're feeling anxiety and stuff, and it's actually easier if done properly.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: I think you get them in the right time, right, but it's easier to actually talk about getting some peace, reducing some anxiety and stuff, you know, and I think there's some real practical aspects that you can talk about with kids right now.
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: The statistics on anxiety and depression are higher than they've ever been recorded.
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: The statistics on suicidal ideation are higher than they've ever been recorded.
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: So of course you ask why.
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: Obviously, there are some big things that we can't do anything about as parents in our own little domicile, and that is the culture is turning on God.
• 22:44
  Speaker 2: Okay, that's a given, that's one.
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: Families are fragmenting.
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: The family is now just an option among many options.
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, a lot of broken homes out there, a lot of broken.
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: But let's move it into our own homes, yeah, and let's say, how do you make it less likely your kid's going to struggle with this kind of anxiety or question?
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: What's it all about, Alfie One?
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: We go back to the smartphone.
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: There's overwhelming amounts of data that say the more time you spend on the smartphone, the more likely you are to get depressed and anxious and wondering how you fit in, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: That's the first, and this is out there now, isn't it?
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: This data is readily available today, isn't it, dr Ray?
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Secondly, the more time you spend on the smartphone, the less time you spend on people near you.
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: Parents will tell me their kids will go to their room and that's the last they'll see them.
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: Well, wait a minute.
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: Okay, hold on a second.
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: What happened to this amount of time where you just kind of hang around each other?
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: That's two, three.
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: I tell this to dads, especially If you're going to have high standards, your kid looks at you and says you know you're kind of more constricting than pretty much everybody I know what is going on here Then you better be way more affectionate than the typical dad.
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: You better hug, you better kiss, you better say how much I love you.
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: You better make that clear.
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: Situation with my son when he was 17,.
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: He played basketball, so I would sit in the bleachers about four bleachers back and I'd wait.
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: Before the game, before there was an opening there, the kids were horsing around.
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: I'd go down on the gym floor, grab my son, I'd hug him, I'd kiss him on the neck and then you know, jack, I got to be very encouraging, because I'm a psychologist, I have to be very affirming.
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: I said, hey, petey, try not to stink the joint out.
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: He would laugh.
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: Later on.
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: I asked him.
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: I said Pete.
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: Did he laugh, dr Ray?
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, of course he knew that's his old man.
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: That's what his old man was teasing him.
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: I didn't care if he stuck the joint out or not.
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: He's Italian.
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: He's Italian.
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm going to like this on his face.
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: I said, petey, does that embarrass you when I do that?
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: And he said would it make any difference, dad?
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: And I said, no, I'm going to hug you and kiss you every time I want.
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: Later he told me, jack, that a couple of his buddies on the team came up to him and said I wish my dad would do that.
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: So you better be affectionate like all, get out, don't hide behind the old.
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: Well, that's not who I am.
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: You know it's hard for me to express.
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: That's just a stinking excuse.
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: Nobody's putting a gun to your head and saying you can't be affectionate.
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: No, and here comes to the point where you can pray for that grace, Dr Ray, can't you?
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: You know, we get back to this God thing.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: There's real power there, and if I have flaws and we all have flaws and if that happens to be one of them, I can pray for that, you know?
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: I mean, I need to get out there and love people and show them that I love them.
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: And if I can't do it, you pray for grace and then you just start right, you just start doing it.
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: Another thing you do, jack you ask your kids when they're a little older 12, 13, 14, what are you hearing about morality that you don't understand?
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: That's a great point.
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: What don't you get about the mass that's so boring?
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: Okay, so what is it that you don't understand about it?
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: What is it that you think so important?
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: You're saying I want to know, I want to know, be a shrink, I want to get inside your head, you know.
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: And you don't jump in and correct them.
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: You don't say well, you know, you can't think like that.
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: That's oh, no, you're way off.
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: No, no, no, no, no.
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: I just tell me, and then I'll give you the best explanation I can.
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: And I'll ask you more questions.
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: So why do you think?
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: Why do you think Dr Ray, let's pause here just for a second, because what you're saying is so important.
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: And, and, and, and.
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: I'm thinking for myself.
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: You know how many times I missed that opportunity.
• 26:59
  Speaker 2: Me too Jack.
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: Me too.
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: Thank you for that.
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: I really appreciate it.
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: You know, that's just such a beautiful, powerful thing you just said.
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: Instead of throwing out there and starting some antagonistic thing, just ask what's going on today.
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: What's going on?
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: You know you're acting, you know.
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: Are you okay?
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: Are you okay?
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: What's going on?
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: What you know?
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: You know you're you're acting, you know, are you okay?
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: Are you okay?
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: What's going on in your mind, right and and however you phrase that, so you know you can get into their head a little bit right and let them talk.
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: Let them talk if they refuse and you know as well as I do, most 14 year olds are going to go.
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: Nothing, I'm fine, nothing, which really means I don't want to talk about it.
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: And as a parent, parent you say no, no, no, we're not going to go there, you're going to talk to me, I'm not going to let you just duck it by saying eh nothing, okay, so you'd you'd push that a little bit.
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, okay, that's good to know too.
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you know what.
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: Sometimes I might even go as far just simply say okay, I got stuff percolating in my head, but I'm not telling you.
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: Now would they finally come down, or do you have to finally go up there sometime?
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: I had one up there for two years and I fed him.
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: I usually brought him up to the room.
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: I fed him, I usually brought him up to the room.
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: Oh, that's beautiful, Probably with 10 kids.
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: Dr Ray, you probably forgot that you sent somebody up there.
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we didn't even notice he was missing.
• 28:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we knew somebody was not there, but we kept trying to say who is it?
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: Which one of your brothers is it?
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: You have a quote, you know you like CS Lewis, as so many people do from Mere Christianity we may think that God wanted simply obedience to a set of rules, whereas he really wants people of a particular sort.
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: That's a pretty powerful statement there, Dr Ray.
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: What are you saying there when you hear that?
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: Right, we may think that God wanted simple obedience to a set of rules, whereas he really wants people of a particular sort.
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: We're really helping to really bring some values, some morals, some virtues and work, and as a father, I become better as I do this too, you know, as I'm trying to help my children become a particular sort.
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: I actually become a particular sort if I'm doing it right, don't I?
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah, what Lewis means, I think, is that every part of our being has to be geared toward okay, what would Jesus want of me?
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: What do I do in this situation?
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: How much do I forgive?
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: How much do I reach out and act charitably?
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: How much do I protect my kids from that influence?
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: It's kind of this whole mindset Okay, I don't want to distill it down to the old what would Jesus do?
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: Because that's a little cliche, but this whole idea of, okay, lord, help me out here.
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: I'm not really sure where to go with this or what to do with this.
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: Shape me as a person.
• 30:05
  Speaker 2: You know, jack, one of my most common prayers is this Lord, please show me what I don't see in myself, because, as a psychologist, I'm well aware that one of the great blind spots for all of us is we don't see ourselves completely as we are.
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: We do not, and therefore a constant prayer needs to be beat me over the head with it.
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: I can see what I am not seeing.
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: And that's going to take a little humility, and that humility is an important thing, you know.
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: Just to be able to say that right.
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: As men, I think especially well, maybe men and women.
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: It's not easy to take criticism, is it?
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: I mean even from yourself, you know.
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: Well, now that you mentioned it, I've been working on my humility and it's something I'm very proud of and I got a new book coming out next year.
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: The three most humble people I know and how I taught the other two oh, beautiful, beautiful when will that be out?
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: It's tough, it's tough to do, but what you're saying is is practical advice.
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: Again, I mean, that's what you're given in this book, isn't it?
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: It's practical advice, it's a reminder to us.
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: Some of these things.
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: I think we look for complex answers.
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: When it's really look.
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: They may be complex answers, but the simple thing is reaching out to your kids, right, and asking them a question, being kind to their mother, you know, in front of the kids.
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: That's a big deal, isn't it?
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: You and I talked about that last time you were on the show.
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: Men have to realize that those kids are watching everything they do.
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: One of the questions in the book is this Jack, I embrace the faith.
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: I came back to the faith much stronger, but my spouse hasn't.
• 31:59
  Speaker 2: I came back to the faith much stronger, but my spouse hasn't.
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: And I think my spouse really doesn't like the new person that I am.
• 32:05
  Speaker 2: I'm not as much fun anymore.
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: I want to listen to things that he doesn't want to listen to or she doesn't want to listen to, so I go to church by myself.
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: I really would like my spouse to come alongside me with this, but how do I get them to really take a look at this?
• 32:25
  Speaker 2: And I said here's the key.
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: You want your spouse to see that your faith, above all things, is making you easier to live with.
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: You are kinder, you are more forgiving, you are more giving, you are more charitable and because of your faith, they see this change in you.
• 32:48
  Speaker 2: It's not the fact that you go to mass every morning and they'd like to have coffee with you but you're not there because you're going to mass.
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: It's not the fact that you get on the phone with your church friends and you talk for an hour while your spouse is sitting over there and you're just all giddy and happy talking to your church friends and then you get off and you, yeah, your spouse is there, but so what?
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: You start doing stuff like that and they're going to view that faith as just a wedge between the two of you.
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: Yep, yep, another great point, another great point.
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: You know, I remember, dr Ray, when I came back into church I had that kind of situation and my wife and I actually got along worse because of this right.
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: But I'm complaining one day in the chapel and I'm looking up at the crucifix and I said I know what you want me to do.
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: You want me to love somebody that doesn't love me back, you know.
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: And I look up at the cross and I go.
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: Ooh that's what he did with me.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: He loved me even when I didn't love him back.
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: And I took that grace, dr Ray, and I started to walk into my house and I did what you just said I started to put the stupid phone down.
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: If my wife was folding towels, I'd start folding towels and, you know, changed everything.
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: I just was cognizant of that woman in front of me now and it was important for me to see some joy in her eyes.
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: You're exactly right.
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: That's when things started to flip for us.
• 34:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, when she saw that your faith made you a better spouse, she's like well, okay, well, let me check into this a little bit.
• 34:25
  Speaker 2: I like what he's becoming.
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and that would go for the kids too, dr Ray.
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: I mean, how many times we find out from a young man that was addicted to say porn again since I've mentioned a couple times that their dad was too and so he has to stop, because he has to model this properly again?
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: And if you're going to take responsibility to start to form those kids, you better take that responsibility too.
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: Right, because they see what you're doing, they see what you're doing.
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: So part of this is is just what?
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: Everything you're saying is just practical, right, but we have to be reminded of that.
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: No doubt about it, no doubt my regrets as a dad is when I used to say my nighttime prayers.
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: I I would be in bed under the covers, my eyes closed.
• 35:12
  Speaker 2: My kids couldn't tell if I was asleep or praying.
• 35:15
  Speaker 2: If I had it to do over again, I would kneel beside my bed so they could see their old man saying his prayers.
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: Thank you, dr Ray.
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: That's beautiful, that's really beautiful.
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: You know, in there, uh, speaking of that, you talk about a grandfather, that so that.
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: So the the dad is trying to, you know, to do the right thing, the mom, but the grandfather, uh, lets them watch what they want when he's babysitting or over at the house.
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: He says it won't hurt them.
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: They're going to see more in the world.
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: And your reply in teaching virtue, right, what harm will it do?
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: It's okay to do it, right?
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: And so what do we do in cases like that?
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: You know where we have a relative or a family member that thinks it's funny, right, I'll let them do what they want when they're over by me, I'm going to spoil them, give them anything they want to eat.
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: You know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, when it goes against your, your, you know, do we just not let grandpa babysit anymore, dr Ray?
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: Or what do we do?
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: I mean, do we confront grandpa?
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: I mean, these are tough issues, aren't they?
• 36:18
  Speaker 2: The question what harm will it do?
• 36:20
  Speaker 2: It's not the question, jack.
• 36:21
  Speaker 2: The question is what good will it do?
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: See, that's what.
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: I got that down right here.
• 36:27
  Speaker 2: I wanted you to say that but say that again, dr Ray, it's not.
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: What harm will it do?
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: I can fall down the steps and be fine down at the bottom.
• 36:36
  Speaker 2: So does that say that falling down steps is good for me?
• 36:39
  Speaker 2: No, I just happened to survive it.
• 36:41
  Speaker 2: The question is, what good will it do?
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: That is such a beautiful statement.
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: Thank you again.
• 36:53
  Speaker 2: There's usually several levels.
• 36:54
  Speaker 2: To a grandparent who thinks I have to spoil the kids, I have to make them more like the culture because you're a religious freak, oh, first thing is you ask them.
• 36:59
  Speaker 2: You do everything.
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: You say, look, would you, would you please do this?
• 37:01
  Speaker 2: This is what we do.
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: Some will agree and some won't.
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: Some will basically, in so many words, either tell you I'm going to do what I want, or they'll agree, but then you'll find out later they're gone behind your back.
• 37:15
  Speaker 2: What they've done then is they forced you, they have forced you to make a decision, which is when you're with grandpa, I'm going to be there too.
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: There's no more isolated excursions to grandpa's house because I can't know what he's going to be there too, there's no more.
• 37:28
  Speaker 2: No more isolated excursions to grandpa's house because I can't.
• 37:31
  Speaker 2: I can't know what he's going to do.
• 37:33
  Speaker 2: That's and I tell that to grandparents.
• 37:35
  Speaker 2: I say don't you dare paint your kids into a corner where they have to make a decision between their child's virtuous wellbeing and the fact that you want to do it your way.
• 37:45
  Speaker 2: These are not your kids.
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: So, Dr Ray, you buy two books, you give one to grandpa, right?
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: I mean, I, I'm serious about that.
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: That that's, that's not a bad way to go.
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: Say, grandpa, I'll tell you what I'd love to have you watch the kids, you know.
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: But here can you read Dr Ray's book.
• 38:05
  Speaker 1: I think it's important, you know, and I and I, you know, and I see you smiling and I'm smiling, but I'm smiling because I think I'm right.
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: I think that's exactly what we need to do, is, you know?
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: We need to say, hey, Grandpa, this is a toxic culture, to get back to our earlier conversation, and you need to help us, not just not do any harm, but what good is it going to do us?
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: Help us, Grandpa, to form these kids.
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: We need your help, we need you to be on our side, and I love that Step into the story with them.
• 38:38
  Speaker 2: There's a couple of variants on this theme, jack.
• 38:40
  Speaker 2: One of the variants is if you tell him what you want him to do and you hand him a book, he may throw it back at you.
• 38:49
  Speaker 2: So the variant on the theme I'm going to speak to the grandparents.
• 38:59
  Speaker 2: Many of the grandparents look at their adult children and they see that they're not baptizing the kids.
• 39:01
  Speaker 2: They see that they're not taking them to church and they see that their discipline is lax or permissive or they just indulge these kids and they feel compelled to comment on it.
• 39:12
  Speaker 2: They feel compelled to direct the kids.
• 39:15
  Speaker 2: More often than not that causes problems, especially with in-laws.
• 39:19
  Speaker 2: You have to be very careful.
• 39:22
  Speaker 2: I've seen too many grandparents who are not allowed to see the kids because the daughter-in-law has said no, that's so common and I tell them you have to read the cues the first time you make advice and you see that it's not wanted, you better stop Just back off, because you'll just push these kids further away.
• 39:45
  Speaker 2: My wife and I have a standard rule Unless we are asked by our children for our input, we don't say a word.
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: See, that's important, dr Ray, to hear that.
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: It's really important to hear that, because it's not going to do the kids or the grandparents or anybody any good if I'm not in their life anymore, you know.
• 40:08
  Speaker 2: And if they do ask us what I do is I have a form that my attorney filled out and I hand it to them and I have them sign it that they have allowed me to say what I'm going to say.
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: That's not a bad way to go, right?
• 40:24
  Speaker 2: Hey, honey, remember, remember we had this legal, you signed it.
• 40:27
  Speaker 2: You signed it.
• 40:28
  Speaker 2: I can say this that's.
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: That's a really important thing.
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: We're going to start to unwind down here.
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: Dr ray, that is really an important thing to say because I think, as as grandparents, we see something going on, just like you said, and now I'm feeling guilty because I didn't say anything, but in essence, sometimes that was the right thing to do, isn't it?
• 40:51
  Speaker 2: We want to fix it, we want to make it right, we want to guide them, especially if we feel we failed in raising them in the faith.
• 40:58
  Speaker 2: So now the grandkids are suffering because of that.
• 41:01
  Speaker 2: Now you've got two generations and you think, okay, I've got to do something, I got to do something.
• 41:05
  Speaker 2: Well, you better be careful what you do, because if you see that this is pushing it further away, you're not gaining anything.
• 41:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like the old spouse thing, jack.
• 41:21
  Speaker 2: They need to see that grandma and grandpa, because of their faith, are beautiful people who are easy to get along with, who are very loving and very accepting, even though the in-law is an obnoxious human being.
• 41:33
  Speaker 2: So important, yeah.
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: Yes, we're going to model.
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: We're going to get a chance to model what it looks like to be a good Catholic or good Christian, a good person, and hopefully that modeling is going to stick out right, just like you said.
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: And wouldn't it be awful if I put my foot in my mouth and then I don't get a chance to go over there and spend time with those kids.
• 41:54
  Speaker 1: You know, you're exactly right.
• 41:56
  Speaker 1: You know there's a time, dr Ray, I think in all of our lives, where something goes wrong, right, some tragedy hits.
• 42:03
  Speaker 1: You know, we come up against some wall and then we start looking for those mentors that were so good in our lives and now say you know what I might call grandpa or grandma about this.
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: I've seen it many, many times and we want to be able to stay there and thank you for that.
• 42:19
  Speaker 1: They took a lot of pressure off of something that I was just thinking about myself.
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: So I appreciate that, dr reyes.
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: We start to wind down now.
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: In anything we left out there you'd say, look, you've got a lot in this book, but any other point you want to make here as we start to close down, and then let's tell them where they can get the book where they can.
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: You know you've got a robust website where your website and your contact info is and you're just a joy to be with God.
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: Bless you.
• 42:49
  Speaker 2: You recognize, in trying to instill the faith in your children, it's nowhere near as easy as it used to be.
• 42:56
  Speaker 2: You recognize that.
• 42:58
  Speaker 2: You recognize that you're going to be more vigilant than your great-grandpa had to be.
• 43:04
  Speaker 2: He had the culture more in flow with him.
• 43:07
  Speaker 2: You recognize that your kids aren't going to understand why you do some of these things because they think you should parent by consensus.
• 43:16
  Speaker 2: You should look around you and say, well, that's how it's done now.
• 43:20
  Speaker 2: That's what they listen to now.
• 43:21
  Speaker 2: That's what they watch.
• 43:23
  Speaker 2: Those are the movies they go to now.
• 43:25
  Speaker 2: Social norming is not the way to raise your children and you have to have an incredible amount of strength to say I'm going to do what I think is best and I recognize there could be some blowback, but I'm doing what I think is best.
• 43:43
  Speaker 2: I'm not God, I don't have perfect insight.
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: I'm human, yeah, and take what you just said and if I feel that I'm doing the right thing, try to stick with it.
• 43:58
  Speaker 1: Right, try to stick with it, not get knocked off your game right away by what other people say.
• 44:03
  Speaker 1: And that gets back to learning the faith, doesn't it, dr Ray?
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: Other people say, and that gets back to learning the faith, doesn't it, dr Ray?
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: If I'm not standing on some type of a foundation, I'm going to have a hard time dealing with all these issues.
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: So we have to get back ourselves to the faith and model that well for them.
• 44:20
  Speaker 1: And you're right, this is not easy today, is it?
• 44:23
  Speaker 1: It's not easy being a parent today.
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: Surround yourself.
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: The last thing I'll say and just get your quick input, dr.
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: A parent today, uh, surround yourself.
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: The last thing I'll say and just get your quick input, dr ray, is surround yourself with some friends and some community around you.
• 44:33
  Speaker 1: So, like you said, if my child's the only one you know has a flip phone, that makes it difficult, but if they have two or three friends around that have flip phones too, that makes it a lot easier.
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: And I've seen that over and over again, to the point where some parents have told me you know what?
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: Johnny doesn't really even miss it because his buddies don't have it either.
• 44:53
  Speaker 1: What do you think about that, Dr Ray?
• 44:55
  Speaker 2: Jesus sent out the disciples in pairs of two because he knew just one other person with you who thinks like you makes you much stronger.
• 45:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got to do that.
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: Huh, okay, dr Ray, where are we going to get this book and and and give us your website If you go, cause you've got a lot of great books on there too, dr.
• 45:14
  Speaker 2: Raycom D R R a Ycom.
• 45:18
  Speaker 2: All the books are there.
• 45:19
  Speaker 2: This one is there.
• 45:20
  Speaker 2: They're so.
• 45:22
  Speaker 1: I can get a discounted and signed book.
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: I can Well, god bless, I can order right off your website.
• 45:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's right behind me.
• 45:32
  Speaker 2: You want to go?
• 45:34
  Speaker 1: behind me and get them.
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: That's beautiful.
• 45:36
  Speaker 1: You're such a joy.
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: I really appreciate it.
• 45:38
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for being with us and I look forward to the next time we get a chance to get together, Dr Ray.
• 45:44
  Speaker 2: Thanks, Jack.
• 45:45
  Speaker 1: Thank you, thanks Dr Ray, thanks Jack, thank you, thanks everyone, bye-bye.
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us.