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Seven Months In and I Still Haven’t Met His Friends · Ela's Got the Tea

• Ela's Got the Tea Ep. 6: Today we have an OP who is seven months into her relationship and still has not met any of their partner's friends, a couple who has been repeatedly screamed at for two years, and a parent who has kicked YouTube from the kiddo's life. Grab your cup, let me pour. Hello my beautiful tea leaves, welcome back to Ela's Got the Tea. I'm Ela, your host, your mom friend, and the person who goes into the thread so you don't have to. New here? Three letters a week, real ones from the people living them. I pour, we read, and I tell you where you land. And if you're sticking around, please like, subscribe, or follow wherever you're listening. It's free and it's gen generally the reason a show like this gets to keep going. I'm still on the new tea for this month, the hibiscus blood orange berries and apple tea. it's I I really can't get enough of it. It's so good. It's linked in the descriptions along with everything else I mention. And we are still pointing at spirit of children this month who fund child life teams in children's hospitals. I'll get more into them later on. Right? First cup Let's get into it. Our first letter of the day comes from an OP who has met the family. They're in future plans, but somehow they've never met a single one of their partner's friends. they're seven months in. Hmm. Let's find out why. From R slash I Overreacting. Boyfriend keeps his social life separated from our relationship. Signed, two separate worlds. I've been with my boyfriend for seven months and I still haven't really gotten to know any of his friends. He's a very social and outgoing person and has several different social circles, friends from school, childhood friends, people from work, etc. He talks about them often. tells me how much they mean to him and spends a lot of time with them. In the beginning, I didn't think much of it because we were still getting to know each other. I've met his whole family and I get along with them really well. So it's not like I'm completely separated from his life, but recently his friendship social side of things has started to bother me more. He plans trips with his friends, including both male and female friends and couples, goes to parties, dinners, and other group events. But he never asks me to join. I'm not saying I want to be included every time he sees his friends. I absolutely don't. I think it's healthy for both people in relationships to have their own friends and do things separately. But after seven months, I would have expected to occasionally be included. And to actually get to know the people who are such a big part of his life. He has met almost all my friends, most of them several times, because it felt natural to me to introduce him to the different parts of my life. With him, though, it feels like his relationship with me and his social life exists in two completely separate worlds. I'm struggling with how to bring it up because I don't want him to start inviting me simply because he feels obligated to. I also really don't want him to become nervous about telling me he's. Going out with friends because he thinks I'll be upset. That's not what I want at all. I genuinely want him to have his own social life. What bothers me is the feeling that there doesn't seem to be any natural desire on his side to occasionally include me in it. He talks about our future, including eventually living together, and it makes me wonder how that would actually work if. This is how he sees relationships long term. Would he still go to dinners, parties, trips, and social events on his own all the time? What happens with birthdays? New Year's Eve celebrations? I'm starting to wonder whether this might simply be a difference in how we view relationships. For me, being in a relationship doesn't mean giving up your independence or your friendships, but I Do you want our lives to overlap to some extent I want to know the people who are important to my partner and sometimes be part of those experiences together. I really love him, and otherwise our relationship is very good, which is why I'm unsure whether I'm making too much of this or whether it could actually point to a genuine incompatibility. Am I being unreasonable for feeling bothered by this after seven months? And how would you bring it up without making your partner feel pressured to invite you everywhere? How much of a life do two people actually have to share? And that that's the real question here. But before I go into my take, I want to touch up on two comments that I came across. And first comment goes. Commenter one. Not overreacting. You could just phrase it similar to how you said it here. I'm not trying to control how you interact with your friend group, but I've noticed you never invite me. I'm curious if there's a reason for that. Commenter two. Commenter two writes, Maybe he thought you wouldn't be interested. I'm awfully introverted. And my boyfriend said a couple of weeks ago, yeah, I'm going to the beach with my friends and some of their girlfriends are coming. I figured you wouldn't be interested though. I'd say, tell him you're interested, and if he expresses frustration or acts like that's burdensome, you should not emotionally invest in him. Before I get into my take, I need to address one question. What is the right amount of time before you meet your partner's friends? Frankly. I don't think there is an actual universal number. But seven months in OP's already met the family before the friends? That doesn't sound usual. Most people introduce you to their social world long before the holiday dinner is So OP's not overthinking. And she's describing the situation perfectly. And then she's also apologizing for having noticed it, which honestly is kind of its own little red flag. But we'll get back to that. Here is the shape of what OP is describing for us. She's introduced him to every part of her life because it felt natural. Her friends know him, her world has made space for him. However, seven months in, she has not met one of his social circles. Not the school friends, not the childhood friends, not even work colleagues. Not one single person from his other circles who he talks about constantly, people he says mean a lot to him. She's met his family, which is good. But your social circles are your found family. So It it does sound weird and the fact that he's very open about his social circles, he's not a private man. He's holding a door to her and she's unfortunately on the other side. Now, the part that really got me. Looking back at the at her post, she is very careful with how she addresses things. She doesn't want to be invited every time. She thinks separate friendships are healthy, and I one hundred percent agree with that. She thinks she doesn't want him to feel obligated. She also doesn't want him to be nervous about telling her he's going out. That's four preemptive defenses against being called clinging. And that's before anyone accuses her of anything. So OP. There I I am curious if someone's told you that you were too much before, because look, I get it, as a woman, we kind of have to build up these defenses when we're trying to explain things on our side. But thankfully the comments were there to help. And they were split two camps. One group said, just ask him the way you wrote it. You're not trying to control anything. You're just noticing a pattern. And the other group said he might not genuinely think you'd be interested, which are both real possibilities, especially if he's used to dating people who don't blend friend groups or He's just he's just socially oblivious. And in this case, I agree with the comments. Both interpretations are plausible. The conversation will tell her which one she's living in. But here's the real question underneath all of this. Eh as OP's mentioned, he's already talked about living together. And she is being asked to plan a shared feature with a man whose life she has only seen a portion of. That's the actual dilemma here. Not whether she should be at every dinner, whether the five year version of this is still standing outside the door. He's asked a practical question. How do I bring this up without making him feel pressured? So here's a practical answer. Don't ask to be included going forward. That's a policy request, and policy requests can make people defensive. Ask to meet them once. One dinner, one afternoon, one thing. And then kind of watch where it goes from there. Because the response is the information. Does it happen? Does he seem happy about it? Does it get scheduled? into a distant month and quietly evaporated? If this is shyness or cluelessness or a man who generally never thought of it, it gets fixed in a fortnight and she feels silly for him. Golly knows that Chai and I have had those moments too, where just a simple, hey, can we try this once? And Chai will normally just respond with, Oh I actually didn't think of it that way. And it gets fixed. But If it doesn't get fixed, then OP's actually going to know the other camp of things. Not because he said anything, but because he didn't. So overall, OP is not overreacting, but this also doesn't mean that she and her partner are incompatible. Honestly, just like with a lot of the letters we've gone into. It's a conversation. It's just one honest ask that helps her get to know and to see if that maybe she's carrying the weight of it all alone or not. She doesn't need an answer, she just needs to ask. And a look at his face. And basically that's it. All right. Next leaf. This next letter comes with a content warning for a sustained harassment and oppression. If today isn't the day, timestamps are in the description below. OP and their partner have spent two years being yelled at through their own window, mocked while crying, and told outright that the goal is to make the move. They finally reported it, and now they're asking whether that made them the problem. From r slash am I the Karen Am I the Karen for reporting my neighbors signed two years of keeping to ourselves. I reported my neighbors for harassment. For context, I have lived in the same apartment for a few years now. Me and my partner keep to ourselves, we don't interact with anyone, and we stay inside unless we need to run errands. Our neighbors have always hated us. I can't pin the exact reason as I said we keep to ourselves. We do talk about non conventional or not normal things like true crime cases, gaming, or people we run into while gaming and watch things others might seem immature. Our neighbors have gone as far to tell people we are racist and that we are weird. Hmm. I I don't think I like the sound of this. They use this to justify yelling things outside our window when walking past. Every day, if not once a week, they do this. They have their kids screaming in public spaces in the complex pool area. And They even comment on our sex life. Excuse me. This has been happening for the past two years. I tell the management that they harass us and they just stay quiet for a few weeks, then it starts up again. The yelling and the name calling. I feel like I live next to kids, but they are adults that have and weaponize their own kids. I was not doing well mentally earlier this year and would cry due to depression and other personal problems. They took this as a right to mock my crying. I even heard them say they are doing this to force us to move and that one of women said they wanted to basically rage bait me into a fight. They constantly say things like nobody wants them here. She's just a Karen. And they should just leave. Mind you, we have not gotten one notice from management about our conduct, any complaints, or had any neighbors knock on our door. to keep it down or anything like that. So am I the asshole slash Karen for reporting all this harassment to my apartment manager? At what point does asking for help stop being complaining? This is a bit of a heavy start to deal with. So how about we go into some comments first? Commenter one writes, What are they saying when they their kids scream things? Knowing this could help with both contacts and next steps. Either way, you are definitely not the Karen. You have every right to privacy and to live in peace at your home. They have no right to infringe upon your rights. Dependent upon what actually they are saying and or doing. Their actions could have very real consequences. Commenter or two rights. You need to start recording them when they do it so you have proof. Then if management won't do nothing, go to the police station, make a report, and show the proof. See if they can help you from there. Sorry you're going through this. Good luck. Hope it gets better for you. So I wanna start off by repeating the title of this letter because it explains so much. Am I the Karen for reporting my neighbors? Two years of being screamed at through their own window, two years of name calling, of kids being weaponized, of adults mocking OP while they were crying during a depressive episode, two years of hearing out loud that the goal is to force them to move. And the question they bring to the internet is whether reporting that makes them the problem. Something I've noticed with a lot of these letters that I've read, not just the Karen ones, but the Am I the jerk? Am I the A hole? All of them is The people who worry that the problem almost rarely are. The ones who are genuinely in the wrong don't tend to write in asking if they're in the wrong. The doubt itself is a symptom of how long someone has been made to feel small. And yes, there are Karen's in the world. The term for a reason. But What happens now is people use it to brush off any inconvenience, even when they're the ones at fault. It's a way to flip the script. If I call you Karen first, then I don't have to look at what I'm actually doing. And That's kind of what's happening here. look the term Karen was built with purpose. It was meant for people who made other people's working days worse over nothing. The folks who escalated minor inconveniences into full scale drama and Now Now we have this. In this instance, OP is not a Karen. We can make that crystal clear. But After two years of people shouting at her through a window, she's asking strangers online for the permission to have been able to report this situation. Being called a Karen worked because she doubted herself. This is not a neighbor dispute. A dispute has two sides and a subject. This is a malicious campaign from one side. And we know that because OP overheard the objective. We are doing this to force them to move. OP even heard one of the women say they wanted to rage bait OP into a fight. Read that again. They don't want quiet. Quiet is useless to them. They want OP to react. A reaction is something they get to report. A reaction then gets that complaint and a complaint creates grounds. They want the anchor and that is their strategy. And they've been at this for two years. Every day, or at least every week. Now I do need to take my mom off hat for a bit because There is one part OP mentioned that Well, it's the kids. OP's neighbors, these grown adults, are sending their children into the pool area to scream at them, using them, because a child doing it isn't actionable. An adult doing it might be. With a child, it's just fair game. Kids being kids. But what exactly is this teaching those kids that This is okay. And as they get older, they're only gonna get better. That's I don't know, man. I don't like that. I also want to go into another thing OP mentioned. Where The neighbors' actions became just cruel and unexcusable. OP was not doing well this year. Depression and other things that they honestly don't need to go into. And they cried. They cried in the comfort of their own home. Their neighbors heard it and they made fun of it. There is no version of a property dispute that leads there. That's just cruel and bullying. Now. I do want to also touch up touch up on management here, who nobody is really angry about in this story. And let's face it, they should be. OP reports it, management quiets them for a few weeks, and then it starts again. Meanwhile And OP says this almost in passing, like it isn't the most important sentence in the letter. They have never once received a notice. OP has never gotten any complaints, no warnings, none no knocking on the door. Sweetie that's your record. You have no record. And that is your record. Two years of them reporting. You have no record. However You also have two years of recording and they quiet down, which means it has been recorded in some sense. Now the comments were practical here. One person asked what exactly is being screamed because context does matter, and some of those words could have legal consequences. Another said, record it. If management won't act, talk to police. And I agree with that all. A shared pool area is not a private space. Your phone records audio. And The least satisfying advice I give today, write it down. Time, date, what was said. A pattern on paper is a different animal from a person saying it keeps happening. So I repeat, no, you are not the Karen. You reported harassment to the person whose job it is to receive that report. That is the correct use of the system. And the fact that you had to ask tells me exactly how long this has been going on. Reporting harassment is not harassment. Asking for help isn't complaining. You're keeping a record. And with that, I think it's time to go to our next leaf. Alright, last cup, and this one is a parent celebrating getting their child off YouTube, which I am conveniently discussing with you on YouTube. From R slash parenting. Cap for me, weaned my kid off YouTube, signed, finally, screen free. YouTube is the devil, and I knew I needed to get my child off it before school started. Her behavior has changed for the better, and her attention span and focus have improved as well. It was rough for a while, she was addicted. I wish I had never let her watch, but it seemed harmless at first. YouTube has so much dark content geared towards kids. And now Netflix has YouTube content on there, so I had to cut that off too. I'm seeing most streaming services have YouTube style content now. SMH. Have you had to take away YouTube and how did it go? Okay, so before I get into my take, I do want to ask this one question. Is the problem the platform or is it the feed? Let me know what you think in the comments below. Now with that, this is the last letter. And And this one is just a parent trying their best. And you know what? OP is succeeding. They got their kid off YouTube, saw that there was a behavioral change, and now their kiddo is their focus is coming back, and they're just asking how other parents handled it. So, you know what? Let's talk parent to parent. But Let us give a round of applause for OP. I like to do these, known as jazz hands, but in sign language is how you clap. Because look at what's in this letter. It was rough for a while, she was addicted. That is a parent who held the line through a genuinely hard stretch with a kid who was upset about it and came out the other side saying the attention span has come back. That's not nothing. That's the hardest part of the job. And let's face it, there's no metal for the work that we do as parents. Just a tiny human whose brain works better now because You did something difficult. And I'll say this as a parent. I agree with OP. There are some truly shady corners of YouTube, even on YouTube kids. Rosehip is three. She can't type what she wants, but she can still click her way into videos if you're not watching. And that's just how the algorithm gets her. Not through search, but through the next suggested thing. Turning off search on her account was a godsend. It doesn't solve everything, but it closes one of the biggest doors. We moderate her feed. We use approved content. We limit her screen time. And that's because not all screen time is the same. Some of it is fine. We usually do focus on educational content, but some of the other content is a trap. So The first thing I want to know, and this honestly does change the answer to OP's question, which YouTube is OP talking about? Are we talking main YouTube or YouTube kids? Because those are two different universes with two different feeds. And when OP mentions seeing YouTube style content on Netflix, that doesn't necessarily mean they were on the big platform. It might mean the format has spread. Danny Go, Ms Rachel, even kid vlogs and reaction style videos, they're everywhere now, not just on YouTube. You can find them on Netflix, on Disney Plus, on even HBO Max. So the question isn't just which app they're using. It's which feed their child is getting. Now, if it is YouTube kids, like I mentioned, there are two settings that I've found to be a godsend. First off, being able to approve content yourself. Handpicking channels and videos so that your kid doesn't have to search for them by subscribing to the content you want your kids to be looking into. First off, this also does help feed the algorithm robots into better understanding the kind of content you're interested in, so they can usually feed you similar ones. coming from tech, I do know how this works. But the other feature, which is turning off search, now that one removes the ability to search overall, which means you can only see the content you're subscribed to, which then basically turns off autoplay and your kiddo wait, no, actually autoplay still works, but only content that you have approved, the content you're subscribed to, will be shown. And yes, I did go through Rosehip's account and subscribe to things that I do want her to be watching. Nat Geo Kids, PBS. let's see. There's a there's a channel that focuses on story time. Usually classical stories, good night moon, a bunch of kid-related content stories. Zabumafu my gosh, that was such an interesting thing to see. for Rosehip, but just brought up so much nostalgia. But it's also not a ban. It's just curating her feed to honestly what's actually appropriate for her developments. And then of course there's also being strict on on screen time, making sure that she is only getting a certain amount of time with the screen. Because We honestly do focus more on play. And she gets a lot of this at preschool. Her preschool is a very play-based environment, which I love so much that they do. I I love playtime. We try to focus on getting Rosehip toys that don't need batteries. So your Legos. She loves Play-Doh. She loves to paint. Tinker Tots. my gosh. Tinkertots and Linked Lincoln logs. my gosh, my childhood. Things that she can build, stack, imagine with. She is obsessed with dollhouses and just and just playing. Her one of her favorite games is playing mom and dad. And she'll do that with her, with her dolls. She'll even play school, which is just the cutest thing. Of course, she does have some battery powered things. I gave her my old iPad, which is only strictly has educational apps. I think the apps that we use is reading dot com, Lingokids. She She does love those games and just like with Screen Time, we moderate it and set strict time limits. Because yes, the content is important and not all screen time is the same, but moderation. And you know what? I'll add this because this is true in not only my house, but with a lot of houses as well. Rosehip doesn't fully understand transitions yet, which again adds to why it's important to provide that boundary with screen time limits. Stopping something she enjoys is hard for her. Honestly, she actually has this with with toys as well. Especially if it's Danny Go or Ms Rachel or or Blippi. And now that those shows do live on Netflix too, it's no longer just a YouTube problem. It's the kids' content ecosystem in general. And again, they're fine shows. But They can be overstimulating at times. And look, let me say this clearly. I love Miss Rachel and I love Danny Go and I even love Blippi They have taught her many things, comforted her, made her laugh, and have given me the time I need to just breathe. But again, this is also about understanding where a three-year-old's mind is and their ability to handle simulation and transitions. I don't know how old OP's daughter is, but I'm also assuming she is in the younger age. She might not be three, but transitions for a grade schooler can also be hard. So like with Rosehip, and OP mentions it in their in their own story, how hard it was for her to focus. Cutting off cutting her off cold led to yelling because her little brain isn't able to fully process that. But with the allocated time that we do put provide for her. And we even give her warnings of, hey, 10 more minutes. And we're gonna say bye-bye to Ms Rachel. 10 more minutes, we're going to say bye-bye to Blippi It does get easier, but it it's it's it's still the transition. It's still a learning phase and It does get hard at times, just not as hard if we didn't put those boundaries in place. And honestly, the sharpest thing in this letter is OP's not mine. Most streaming services have YouTube style content now. And look, she is right. I I've mentioned it a few times already in this take. But it is worth naming. She's not fighting a website. She's fighting a format. A format that is now populating everywhere. And cutting one app off isn't going to be the overall solution if they're all doing it. So again, let's clap for OP But here's what I'd leave her with. You didn't have to delete YouTube. You just had to stop choosing it. And we're not blaming a platform here. We're building a shelf. No. Let's go to our next leaf. And that's our leaves for today. Now, for our last pour I have honestly one simple task. Do something small. You can actually do it tonight. Here's mine this week. I'm going to dedicate 10 minutes to just give a nice tidy, not exactly cleanup, but a 10 minute, just putting on my timer for 10 minutes. To just clean up my desk. One small surface and a tiny reset. It's so amazing being able to just clear up your space and just in a way clear up your mind. And getting you back to honestly where you need to be. Now, we're still with the spirit of children this month. One thing I didn't say last week. The money donated doesn't just buy equipment. It pays for childlife specialists. The people whose entire job is to help decrease a child's fear. They're the ones who walk into a hospital room and make it feel less like a hospital. And most hospitals can't fund enough of them. You get to give to the organization or straight to a specific hospital that feels right to you. Links in the description below. And if one of these letters made you think of someone, send it to them. That's honestly how a show like this finds its people. Not ads, just somebody forwarding a link and saying, Hey, this is us. And I want to hear from you. Not just what you made of the letters, what you made of me. Good things I hope. But if you'd have landed somewhere differently. Did I miss anything? Look, I'm one person with one read, and I'm not always right. The rest of it lives in the comments. So put it there. I read them. If you got something out of today, please hit like and subscribe, or follow wherever you're listening. I know everybody says that, but look, it actually matters for a show like mine, because it's the only way the next person who needs to hear this finds it. And everything I mentioned is in the descriptions, the tea, this month's charity, the timestamps for every letter, so you can skip anything you'd rather not sit with today, or re-listen if you want to. That's the pot, my beautiful tea leaves. So again, this week, something small. And if you also have the extra time to do it, tell a kid in your life one thing. they're good at that has nothing to do with school. I'll see you in the next steep. Bye.