Latest / The Inner Wealth Podcast / Ep239. Part Eight – When Things Get Too Good: The Hidden Mechanics of Self-Sabotage (with Angie.)

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Ep239. Part Eight – When Things Get Too Good: The Hidden Mechanics of Self-Sabotage (with Angie.) · The Inner Wealth Podcast

• 0:04
  SPEAKER_03: You ever wake up feeling like there's something missing in your life?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_03: You ever feel the need to escape your business?
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_03: Are you running your life or is your life running yours?
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_03: I'm my Kitko, and I'll help you design and bring the life so authentic and aligned with who you really are, you'll get excited just to wake up.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_03: I'll help you create real wealth, success, and freedom from the inside out.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_03: Welcome to the Inner Wealth Podcast, where we learn and choose to live inspired each and every day.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_03: I'm Mike Kitko.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: And today we're here to talk about probably one of the most fun but most irritating topics of this whole series, in my opinion.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_03: I think last week was the most fun.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_03: This one is the most frustrating.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: Triggering almost.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: I know it pokes at my personal wounds.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah, for sure.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_03: It's an unconscious human tendency.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_03: And once you understand that it's there, you get to manage it.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_03: But we don't want to admit that we're causing a lot of the things that we're causing.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: So today we're talking about self-sabotage.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's one of those uh, you know, we talk about the layers of onions, and we can't we're constantly going through life, peeling through these layers.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: And I think this is one that I we're probably gonna be fighting with for the rest of our lives.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um, just a side note before we actually start for most for those of you that follow us on social media, you know our pets are our our life.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: We're we're empty nesters and we have two dogs, two cats, and a grand cat.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Our daughter's cat lives with us right now.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: And when we record these episodes, we keep them upstairs and we make sure they're not down here to disturb us.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: Well, today we had a hostage get herself stuck down here, our uh cat Andy, and she's my little shadow.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm a little concerned that she's gonna, she might be a nuisance in this episode.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: So if you hear squeaking or rustling, that's just Andy, and uh we'll deal with her when we're done.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, we hear the little bell back there, but you might not be able to hear it here, but we can.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_03: She's uh but you sometimes she just gets to gets right in front of Andy and just goes at meow like a cat.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: She just has this really high-to-wheel.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, we we were laughing pretty hard right before this because we were trying to get her upstairs and she was just not having it, just wouldn't work.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_03: So a little bit of self-sabotage, we're getting ready to record and I don't know.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_03: But look, this is this is um uh I I alluded to the fact that this is one that people don't want to see.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_03: Um when you we create human beings create a lot of our own challenges and our own obstacles, and this this requires us to understand that self-sabotage is a is a nervous system condition.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_03: And I I teach and I express and explain a lot and train a lot about the nervous system.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_03: And I teach we at the beginning of this podcast series, uh, we talked about this, and and she got it wrong, but that's okay.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_03: Hopefully she'll learn from all of that.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_03: But there's three things that to understand the workings of the nervous system and to understand the unconscious and the um yeah, uh living a life of reaction according to the nervous system requires you you understand three things and really surrender to them.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_03: Number one is the nervous system has one job and one job only.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_03: And what is it?
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: To keep you alive, keep you alive.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_03: So it took a little bit of not getting it right in order to get it right.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_03: Oftentimes people say to keep you safe, and that is not true because if the nervous system, well, now let's advance it.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_03: It keeps you alive by keeping you safe, no, keeping you in familiar not safe, keeping you alive by come on.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, I didn't.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_03: That's okay.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: That I I say this thing for 30 times, not 30 times a day, but 30 times a day because it's so critical and so important.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_03: The nervous system has one job and one job only, and that's to keep you alive.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_03: It keeps you alive by keeping you in trying to keep you in familiar circumstances.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_03: You didn't, you said safe.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so okay, to me, yeah.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_03: It has nothing to do with safety, none of this has anything to do with safety.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_03: It keeps it has one job to keep you alive, and it keeps you alive by keeping you in familiar circumstances, and it keeps you in familiar circumstances because it knows how to keep you alive there.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_03: And in unfamiliar circumstances, it can't guarantee in your mind, and it in its the way it's operated and the way or the way it operates and the way it's built designed, your nervous system can't guarantee your survival there.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_03: And why that differentiation between safety is is because if you are familiar with unsafe conditions and circumstances, it will keep you there.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_03: It will look to keep you in unsafe conditions and unsafe circumstances because up to this point, you've operated there and you've maintained, you know, it's helped you maintain your your your life.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_03: So in situations that aren't unsafe, it doesn't know how to operate because it's unfamiliar.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_03: And as you can see this when someone goes from toxic relationship or abuse of relationship to abusive relationship to abusive relationship.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_03: These are unsafe relationships, but the operating system or the nervous system knows how to operate there.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_03: That's why that getting that safety thing out of that mix is so critical.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_03: Your nervous system doesn't care to keep you safe.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_03: If your nervous system is familiar and it knows how to operate in poverty, wealth will feel threatening.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_03: And even though poverty might be unsafe, it'll try to get you back to poverty because it knows how to keep you alive there.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_03: It's familiar with that and it knows how to operate there.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_03: Even though there's more safety with wealth, it doesn't understand, it's unfamiliar, and it doesn't know how to for you to maintain your life.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_03: That's a really, really important distinction because this feeds right into self-sabotage.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm I'm holding up a book.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, if you're watching this on video, you see it.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_03: The book is called The Big Leap by Dr.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_03: Gay Hendricks.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_03: And this is this is the book that I recommend the most to my students, to our students, to people that I come in contact with that are suffering from and and I guess unaware of uh the power of self-sabotage, it's in this book and it explains it that when things get too good, we fuck it up.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_03: Why do we fuck it up?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: Go back to where we were, to where the nervous system thinks that we're we're where it knows how to operate, where it knows it knows how to keep us.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_03: So if you're used to feeling, if you're used to relationships where you are constantly being attacked and constantly being threatened and constantly being manipulated, when when you maybe leave that partner and experience a relationship where it doesn't have any of that, what's gonna happen?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_03: Why?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's your nervous system is trying to get you back to where it knows how to operate, because it doesn't know how to operate in that.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_03: So when someone is addicted, when the nervous system is mired in and bathed in and surrounded by chaos, when you experience peace, it'll feel dangerous and your nervous system will start to revolt.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't that crazy?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's stupid.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_03: It is stupid.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: But can you can you see can you can you maybe talk about how this has shown up in your lives or or our lives or oh it's I mean, I I can probably name off it a dozen ways it's shown up in our lives, starting back years ago, 23, 24 years ago.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: Well, well, no shit, I can go back further than that.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: I can go back to the first couple months we were together.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I, you know, this was my and again, it was it was toxic in the beginning, but not nearly as toxic as my last relationship.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: So there was a level of normalness to our relationship that I didn't hadn't experienced.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I I mean, just the first couple months we were together, and remember, I freaked out and wouldn't leave the house for over a week.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: We were getting close to the anniversary of my mother's death, and it just I was just convinced that you you were gonna like just leave me constantly.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that was the whole we bought our first house.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: My name wasn't on it because I had no credit at the time, and I was like, it's all yours, you're just gonna take it all and leave me.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: And we kept kept trying to set, you know, the normal relationship was there, but it wasn't there, but it was better than the previous, and but my body kept just trying to to convince itself that this is all going to end.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_03: Back then, did you have, and I'm talking about from the beginning until we bought the house, did you have any, did I show any signs of ejecting?
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: No, not at all.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_03: When when we got pregnant, and you she called me at work and said, Hey, you need to come home from work?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_03: I got something to tell you.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_03: And she told me we she was pregnant.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_03: What did I do?
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: You said, Let's go.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_03: Let's fucking go.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_03: Like all in.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_03: So so what you're saying is from the time we met until until then, I had shown no indications of ejecting or or abandoning you or leaving you or pulling the plug.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: No, not at all.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_03: But you constantly felt that.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_03: Why?
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: Because my nervous system did not know how to operate there.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_03: Because that was your old relationship, right?
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_03: Threats.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_03: Always threats of pulling the plug or taking away, you know, because here your former fiance was very wealthy.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_03: So always pulling the plug of resources and always taking away your your whatever, you know, your your means of survival and always abandoning you.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_03: That's what you were used to in that relationship.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_03: And you pretty much grew up with that, was your only real relationship.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_03: So that was your nervous system for a long time, from what, 15, 14 until 21, 21, seven years.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_03: So your nervous system was built over seven years for that to be the default state.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_03: That was just a baseline state.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_03: So your nervous system was wired for that and knew how to operate that in that.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_03: But in the absence of those threats, in the absence of that, that kind of manipulation, in the absence of that toxicity, you you didn't know what to do.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_03: And you just kept expecting it.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_03: And and and then what you would do is you you would lash out at me like I was gonna do it, even though I was like, no, you don't understand.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_03: That's not so.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_03: Would you think that that was self-sabotage?
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, absolutely.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_03: Oh yeah, absolutely.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_03: And the hard part of this, and this is this is the part that's when you don't, when we don't understand self-sabotage, is because after a while, where Angie, now this is a good story to tell.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_03: After a while of Angie expecting me to eject, and Angie expecting me to eject, after a couple of years, I was like, well, fuck it, I might as well pull a plug on this because if if this is all I'm gonna live with for the rest of my life, then I and I have no intentions of ejecting, what the fuck am I doing?
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_03: And it was like that's when things really got heated.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, fuck, let's I guess we'll do what you say.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_03: And then then when I started like agreeing with you, you're like, see, I told you so.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_03: And and and that was that self-sabotage and that up, as Dr.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_03: Gay Hendrix calls it, upper limiting.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_03: As that upper limiting happens and it starts to it starts to to create the other person's nervous system too, right?
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_03: So now now that that's when the toxicity really solidified.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_03: Did you mean to do any of that?
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: No, not at all.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_03: Did you think you were doing anything that that at that level of unconscious?
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_03: No, this and this is not.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_03: And this is this is the thing, this is why some people don't want to accept that in a lot of cases we create our own struggles and our own challenges.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_03: Angie never, ever wanted to create any hardship.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_03: She just didn't know how not to.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_03: And she didn't understand that her nervous system was calling the shots, and she was a slave and a victim to her victim to her nervous system.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_03: She wasn't a bad person.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_03: She was just, she was really dysregulated in the nervous system.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_03: And that kind of spiraled into a lot of mental health issues as well.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it did.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um because I think the probably the the second biggest one that that happened was to me, financial security was always that six figures mark, that six figures mark, right?
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: And um, I don't remember as soon as you hit six figures, I feel like that's where my mental health really started spiraling.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: And to and slowly at first, and then just blew up as the years went on.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_03: And and just again, it was the unconscious not understanding what was happening, not seeing it clearly, just it it reinforces the stories and and the situations that your nervous system, the alarms that the nervous system's throwing up.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_03: You don't mean to, you don't want to, you're not intentional with this stuff.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_03: It's very unconscious and it's very under the radar.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_03: And if you're not aware of it, it will run your life and it'll run you into the ground.
• 14:09
  unknown: Yeah.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_03: And that's why self-sabotage is so critical and so important.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm gonna I'm gonna tell a story about my experience.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_03: We I I, not we, at that point, it wasn't we, I started my business, started this business, and the first, the first full year I got out of the chute in uh 2017, and I spent about a half year, and I made a little bit of money,$36,000, I think, something like that.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_03: So that wasn't even close to what we were making in corporate, but uh there was some signs that you know this thing was it was picking up steam, so it was good.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_03: 2017 ended on a good note, and 2018 surpassed any income that I had in corporate America.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_03: The the the number, the clients kept coming and the growth kept happening, and like the the the coaching months, the the sales kept getting more and more, and I was starting to get used to 10 and 15k months, right?
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_03: Somewhere around there, 10 and 15k months.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_03: And in October of 2018, I had a$44,000 month.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_03: Now, I had never made$44,000 in a month before, even in corporate.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_03: I got I got a nice bonus one time.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_03: Let's let me take that back.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_03: I got a nice bonus one time that was around that that number, but I never I never had a salary number of four forty thousand.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_03: And whatever happened, my self-worth, my self-esteem, my ego just inflated.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_03: It just blew up.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_03: And I became this arrogant, raging asshole who thought I was like Tony Robbins.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_03: You would have thought I was fucking God's gift to the coaching world.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_03: And there were a couple coaches that, you know, I was working out of a co-working space in Overland, uh, Missouri, and there were about four or five of us that were kind of in a coaching program together, or not a really a program, but just kind of learning together and kind of, you know, trying to figure this out and uh sharing tip, hit hints, and tricks.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_03: And they were getting nowhere with their business, but I had this$44,000 month, and I thought they were the biggest pieces of shit in the world that if I can figure out you're stupid.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_03: And I started tearing, well, I went from this loving Buddha monk to this raging asshole.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_03: Like that.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: Well, something else happened too.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_03: And I came home and I started like tearing shit down with her.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but and your back went out.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: My back went out.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: Your back went out.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_03: And my back went out.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_03: And and and Dr.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_03: Gay Hendricks, I keep holding up this book, but in the big leap, Dr.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_03: Kay Gay Hendricks says it's not just it's not just that if it'll trip your financial switch or it'll trip your relationship switch.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_03: It's not like happiness in a relationship will trip your relationship switch, or happiness in finances, wealth and finances will trip your financial switch.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_03: Happiness in your relationship will trip your financial switch, and happiness in your finances and wealth in your finances will trip your your health, right?
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_03: And you'll fuck yourself, your your health up.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_03: It's like these are all interrelated as your you have we have a capacity for love, joy, wealth, right?
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_03: Fulfillment.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_03: And if we trip that that switch, if we trip that level, if we exceed that capacity, we will find a way to get back within that capacity and the content, the familiar container, familiar container of our nervous system, because that's no, that's how that's where our nervous system knows how to operate.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_03: So my back went out, and I started getting in arguments with my wife, and I started alienating all those coaches and like separating myself and judging them.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_01: He started making shitty posts on Facebook.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_03: It went awful, and you would have thought I was God's gift of the coaching world.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_03: And then that I went from that$44,000 a month down to a five thousand dollar month, and the next six or eight months were all five thousand dollar months, and it's like I had to I had to get really, really clear about what had happened is that my identity became my my success became my identity and that took over my my nervous system and it tripped a switch.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_03: Too much goodness, too much goodness in my life, and I had to make it all go away.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_03: Isn't that isn't this shit crazy?
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: Stupid.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: I told you, I'm telling you, it's just stupid.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: This this it's just stupid.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_03: It is, it is.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_01: Mike is a man of a lot of words.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: I am unless I'm talking about my pets or music, I'm not, but this shit's just stupid.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_01: And that wasn't the first time that happened, and it won't be the last.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_03: Nope.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_01: We just did it again a couple years ago.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_03: Well, we went we we went from having in our coaching business, so not in our overall wealth, we have resources, but in our coaching business, we went from having enough to live a good life, and our sales increased.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_03: And when our sales increased, and I mean they increased exponentially exponentially.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_03: When they increased exponentially, what did we do?
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_01: We we spent it all.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_01: We decided we upgraded our life, we upgraded our lifestyle, we we spent more money, we started traveling all the time.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_03: Like, do we upgrade our life a little bit?
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of it.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_03: A lot of it.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_03: What does that mean?
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_03: How many times did we travel in uh over the in those two years of heavily, heavy financial flow income?
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_03: How many times per year did we travel?
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_01: Probably about 15-ish, I would say, 15 to 16-ish.
• 20:02
  unknown: Basically.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes there were, sometimes we were.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_01: I know last January we between January and February, we were in New York City, New Orleans, and Turks and Caicos within like a just a time period of five weeks.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_03: And last year in 2025, and this is before, you know, it started our business started contracting and compressing somewhere around to say June, May or June-ish.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_03: That's when it really started to to to to uh contract.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_03: So we had already had some things planned throughout the year.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_03: And last year we went to Cancun twice, we went to Cabo, and we went to um we went to the Turks, we went to, I mean, we traveled all over.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_03: So would you say that we upper limited by like just getting rid of everything that we were we were making?
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I would say that.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, certainly.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_03: So was our nervous system, was our nervous system built to hold that level of of wealth?
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I guess it wasn't built to hold it because it definitely enjoyed it.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_03: So that's would you say we went from underindulging to indulging or underindulging to overindulging?
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_01: I think we went from indulging to overindulging.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think we I don't I don't ever think we were that's a good point.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_01: We lived a good life.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_01: We never, we've never underindulged.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_01: We've always gone out to eat, we've always spent money, we've always bought the things that we we wanted at the time.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_01: We've had a nice car, we've always made sure we we our kids have nice cars, we have nice cars.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think we've ever lived a life of underindulging.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_03: But instead of traveling two to three times a year like we were, yeah, to go to fift 15 to 20, you think that's a little bit overindulging?
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_01: Certainly, but I again I it was from indulging to overindulging.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah, I would say we live, we live a we live a high quality life.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_03: Even even that at the baseline.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_03: And then And then when we had two years of that and we throttled up and that was overindulging.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_03: So a little bit of financial sabotage.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_03: There's two things.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_03: There's a nervous system built to have it, and there's a nervous system built to hold it.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_03: Do we have the nervous system built?
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_03: Do we have nervous systems built to have?
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_03: Do we have right now with evidence?
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_03: Did we have nervous systems built to hold it?
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_03: No, not at all.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_03: So when we didn't have nervous systems built to hold it, what do we need to do?
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_03: Get rid of it.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_03: You already answered a question.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_03: I was just asking it again.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_03: Our nervous system wasn't built to hold it.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_03: It was built it was built to have it.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_03: But then as soon as we had it, we had to get rid of it because we couldn't hold it.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_03: And now we in 20, in late 2025, over 12 months, last 12 months, we're back at where we were before, right?
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_03: And now we've kind of shut down travel and we've shut down some of the indulging because we're just like if the baseline feels a lot different.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_03: The baseline now feels a lot different than the baseline before because there's this comparison to the 24 and 25 that were overindulgent.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_03: And now we're like feeling like there's a sense of lack because we're not able to overindulge.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_03: So it's kind of like this whole nervous system recalibration.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_03: And and this is this is the craziness of the nervous system, guys.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_03: There really is.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_03: This is the craziness of the nervous system.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_03: Any other our our cat just moved the light fixture.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_03: So um she she skidded out and then the whole light moved.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_03: Um anything else to add?
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_03: Any other stories, personal stories about about sabotage that you can self-sabotage that you can immediately I mean, just even going into the spiraling into addiction.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_01: That was part of self-sabotage too.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I I don't even need to bring up stories.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_01: I self-sabotage the first like 20, no, no, what 2018, 17 years of our relationship.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_01: Just with a myriad of things.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's not even, you can't, I can't even like those situations stick out as big, but no, I think I was stuck in self-sabotage for years.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_03: Too much safety, too much security, too much love.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_03: And Angie used to keep a uh a bag, and we talked about a lot of these things already on this series.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_03: She used to keep a bag of blankets in in an in an air, uh an air thing bag out in our garage in case our our heat got turned off.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_01: And we're not even we've been together 27 years, and I grew up with uh no with utilities being gone for months at a time and not once in our 27 years together.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_01: Have we ever missed a mortgage payment?
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_01: Has our lights been turned off?
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_01: Has any utilities been turned off?
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_01: We've come down to the wire a couple times on like on pay bills, but something's always come through.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_01: So there's the evidence to the contrary that things will always appear, right?
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_03: I wanna I want to reframe that a little bit.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_03: So we there's a difference between the resources that we have and the resources that somebody has and the bank, the checking account.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_03: There's a big difference, okay?
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_03: We have a pool of resources.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_03: We've got we've got a nice pool of resources, but when our bank account gets low, the nervous system starts to trip.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_03: And what you're talking about about coming close to paying bills, you're the checking account.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_03: You're talking about the checking account.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_03: You're not talking about the resources.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_03: We have the resources to pool on.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_03: In fact, we have resources invested with other companies and in other and in other financial funds.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_03: And we've got money in retirement accounts and IRAs.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_03: We got all this money to pull from.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_03: We got money in our business savings account or our check-in account.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_03: We got personal.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_03: So it's not like we're lacked funds.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_03: We're not, we're not.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_03: There's there's a difference between being rich and being wealthy, okay?
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_03: We are in the in the United States, we are rich.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_03: We we live in the richest country in the world.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_03: We live lives that most people around the world can't even fucking fathom.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_03: We live in the richest country, and and just by we've been enough places to see what poverty really looks like.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_03: We are rich, okay?
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_03: But there's a difference between being rich and being wealthy.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_03: And the we know wealthy people that it's either the$150,000 raise card, do I pay cash or do I just put it on a payment plan, right?
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_03: Like, can I get an interest rate low enough where it's just free cash?
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_03: That's a whole different level of financial freedom and and wealth.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_03: There's just, there's like money is not even a challenge and they don't even blink at it.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_03: That's different than rich.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_03: So we've always had a pool of resources, but we've looked at oftentimes looked at uh this one checking account, and when it starts to get low, our nervous system starts to freaking, and that's self-sabotage.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_03: That's that's self-sabotage.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_03: You have enough to be okay.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_03: You have enough to feel okay, you have enough to be safe, you have enough to feel safe, but you you you don't do it because you're wired for something different.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_03: And when it when it goes beyond something that you can handle, your nervous system flares up.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_03: Okay?
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_03: And and then your joy and happiness goes away.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_03: When when our joy and happiness automatically goes away for no reason whatsoever, what is it called?
• 27:44
  unknown: Self-sabotage.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: Self-sabotage.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_03: Self-sabotage.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_03: That's it.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_03: When there's no reason for our joy and our happiness and fulfillment and the love in our heart to go away, and it does, that's self-sabotage.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_03: And it's it's prevalent and it's crazy that as as we say, once you see it, you can't unsee it.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_03: And then this is when we get to take ownership over our life instead of start to, you know, or continue to be a victim of our life.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_03: Anything to add to that?
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_03: I got I got a couple stories that I want to share.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_03: Not about us, but about Yeah, no, tell your stories.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_01: I I told, yeah, I I think our story was important, and I think the stories you're gonna tell are.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_03: So they're in two different categories.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_03: And this first, no, you know, yeah, both of them are you're gonna think I'm absolutely I'm an absolute nut job, okay, for this.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_03: Not really, but just stick with me here, okay?
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_03: Because again, once you see self-sabotage, you can't unsee it.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_03: Now, the first the first story is uh early on my coaching uh business, I worked with a guy that was when she was very, very young, and I'm talking about single digits old, you know, four, five, six, seven.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_03: She was she was sexually victimized.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, let's say.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_03: So let's just let's just call it the V word.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_03: She was sexually victimized, right?
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_03: As a young teenager, uh, she entered, she was sexually victimized again.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_03: As an older teenager, she was sexually victimized again.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_03: She started entering uh she was a serial relationship person.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_03: She kept entering these sexually abusive relationships, and then she got married to a sexual abuser.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_03: And when, you know, when she she went to therapy and she nothing against therapists, therapist didn't help, right?
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_03: The therapy didn't help.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_03: She started working with me, and I started how to read the big leap and started talking about self-sabotage.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_03: And she was like, You're out of your mind.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not, I'm not doing this.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_03: Nervous system is near to keep you alive.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_03: It keeps you alive by keeping you in familiar circumstances, keeps you in familiar circumstances because knows how to operate there, has nothing to do with safety.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, she was not in safe relationships, which is why I take exception to that word.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_03: And when she finally, finally, finally, finally stopped being a victim of it, stopped pleading victim, victim, and took ownership of it.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_03: Not be not that she ever wanted any of that shit to happen.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_03: It's just she didn't consciously consciously know that her unconscious was constant, was repeating the same patterns.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_03: It was pulling her back into those same situations because that's that's where it knew how to operate and how to survive.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I think it's important here to throw in that you're you're not responsible for the trauma that happened to you at all.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like that is from a young age.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't create it.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't create that trauma, you're not responsible for that, but you are certainly responsible for healing that trauma and moving through that trauma.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_03: And and when she finally moved from being a victim of it to owning it and see the pattern and recognize that the unconscious part of her not thrived, she wasn't thriving.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's just all she knew.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it's all she knew, it's all she was familiar with, and and a loving relationship felt dangerous.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_03: It felt like she was gonna lose it, so I might as well eject.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_03: Sound familiar?
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and that's why I believe that I spent so many years in active addiction because I grew up with parents and dad and stepmom and as extreme addicts, and that's what I knew, even though yeah, it was just kept repeating the same patterns because that's where your nervous system knows where how to where where to keep you going.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_03: Then when she moved from victim to owning it, not owning the causes of it, but owning the healing, yes, she stepped out of it.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_03: She stepped out of her memory.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_03: She's in a great yeah, she's in a great memory.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_03: She's doing great.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_03: She's doing awesome.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's one.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_03: So that's self-sabotage all the way.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_03: Not because she wanted to be in abusive relationships.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_03: It's very clear there.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_03: It's because her nerve and and this isn't victim shaming, it's because her her nervous system unconsciously didn't know how to operate without them.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_03: Now that's number one.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_03: Now, another another guy I work with.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_03: Uh work done past times with.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_03: They built something beautiful, and they fought together on the business to build the business.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_03: And then when they had wealth and success and all the freedom in the world, because they had fought together for so long to build this business.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_03: What did they start doing?
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, they started fighting and arguing and instead of fighting together, they started fighting against each other.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_03: Because the business was no longer something to fight for.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_03: They didn't have to fight.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_01: And fight over.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sure that that was a piece too.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_01: That that's was the conflict, used being used to conflict.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_01: If there was no conflict in the marriage, the conflict in the business is what kept the conf the safety conflict there.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_03: And then so when there was no conflict in the business and they had a thriving business and they built this empire together, and it was awesome, and they were looked at by everybody very, very like admirably.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_03: And then what eventually what happened?
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_01: They got divorced.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_03: They got divorced because you can't possibly have wealth and love.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_03: And they had a capacity for love and wealth and joy and fulfillment and freedom, and they exceeded it.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_03: And when they exceeded it, they had to blow it up to get back within it.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_03: Isn't this we are a bunch of freaking nut jobs?
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, we are.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_03: Both the first story and the second story, they didn't want to do that.
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_03: It's not something they consciously chose.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_03: It's they didn't know how not to do it because it was just too good, right?
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_03: Things were too good.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_03: You had to find a way to fuck it up.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_03: And this is the unconscious way of living, and that's why we self-sabotage.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_01: Anything to add to that?
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, that's again, it's just ridiculous when you see it.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_03: Once you see it, you can't unsee it.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not, it's never gonna end.
• 34:29
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like till till the day we die, we're gonna find something to self-sabotage on, something.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_03: If we're not familiar with our upper limits and in in uh The Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, T.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_03: Harvecker talks specifically about your financial thermostat.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_01: Right, yes, that's that point.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_03: So this is also an element of self-sabotage.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_03: T.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_03: Harvecker talks about your financial thermostat.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_03: And what it is, is if you're take a look at the last five years of your income, okay, and average them out.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_03: And that's that's your your financial thermostat.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's what your nervous system is wired for.
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_03: That's what your nervous system is wired for.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_03: That's the number that that's your capacity.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_03: When I say your the capacity of your nervous system, and what happens, just think about a thermostat.
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_03: If the temperature goes above that, it shuts off until it comes back down.
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_03: And if it goes below that, it turns on to come back to it.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_03: And this is why when I got out of corporate, first full year in business, boop.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_01: Right, because we were yeah, because that number was your thermostat.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_03: And and in our business, we've always kind of lived around that.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_03: Now in 2024 and 2025, how far above that number did we go?
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_01: Significantly higher.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_03: And now where are we?
• 35:45
  SPEAKER_03: Back to back to that number.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_03: Because our nervous system didn't know how to hold it.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_03: Now we got some work to do.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_03: We got some work to do, but we're a victim of nothing.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_02: Yep.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_03: We're a victim of nothing.
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_03: And we can spaz out and freak out or whatever, but guess what?
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_03: That number is probably going to keep coming until we learn how to hold it.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_03: And then once we learn how to hold it, because I think that was a gift from the universe saying, let me show you what you're built for.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_03: And then when you overindulge, you're not built for it.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_03: And then when you when you lose it, okay, now we can rebuild around being not just having it, but holding it.
• 36:25
  unknown: Right?
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_03: Cool.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_03: Let's go.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_03: Well, this is this is awesome.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_03: This is a big one, guys.
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_03: And this is the one that people don't want to acknowledge.
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_03: No, I didn't, I didn't do that.
• 36:35
  SPEAKER_03: It's not my fault.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't do that.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_03: They did this.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_03: This did life did this to me.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_03: The government took this or whatever.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_03: But it's like, you're just getting back to your step point.
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_03: That's it.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 36:47
  SPEAKER_03: It's beautiful stuff.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's crazy stuff, but it's it's it's beautiful.
• 36:51
  SPEAKER_01: And and it is a gift to be able to see it.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_01: It really is.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_03: It is.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_03: Don't like it.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_01: Don't like it, but it's a gift to see it.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_03: Don't like it.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_03: We are we are the creators of our path, and we are the uh uh our nervous system has a lot, a lot to say about our quality of life.
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, if you're used to a low quality of life, your nervous system wants you to have it.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_03: And if you're used to a high quality life, your nervous system wants you to have it because it knows how to operate there.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_03: All right.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_03: Get clear about that one and swallow that pill of truth and understand, take a look at your life and see how self-sabotage is played in and how how every time that you've exceeded that capacity or your limits, you've done something to get back down there unconsciously.
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, but that also takes to be able to see that it takes getting really brutally honest with yourself and and really examining your life and examining your circumstances.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of people don't want to do that because people do typically, the majority of people do want to blame their boss as an asshole, or the president's a dick, or the government sucks, or et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_01: But when you finally sit back and be like, wow, holy shit, I did this.
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_03: Well, we do know somebody in our life, in our life that is a perpetual victim and they don't know how not to be a victim.
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, like everybody is the root cause of everything, and they they are have they have no individual responsibility or ownership whatsoever.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_03: And uh, I just I just posted on Facebook if you if you're ever connected with somebody that's a perpetual victim run, because it's just a matter of time before they make you wrong in some way, before they blame you for everything.
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_03: I think we did a good job of explaining self-sabotage.
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think so too.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_03: Cool.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_03: Next week we jump.
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_03: This is episode eight.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_03: Next week we jump into or or part eight.
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_03: Next week we jump into part nine, and it's all about what is a real bond in a relationship.
• 38:41
  SPEAKER_03: So we're gonna take everything that we've kind of walked through, and we're gonna we're gonna bring start to bring this thing.
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_03: We got episode uh uh part nine and part ten to walk through, and uh, we're gonna bring this thing to a close.
• 38:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_03: All right.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_03: Still having fun?
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_01: Still having fun.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_03: Good.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_03: Me too.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_03: All right, we got a lot, a lot to share with you guys.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_03: Stick with us.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_03: Thanks for watching and uh tune in next week again.
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_03: Love y'all.
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_01: See ya.
• 39:09
  SPEAKER_03: If you enjoyed what you heard and you want to learn more, go to www.innerwealthglobal.com for more tools and reports.