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Why Cooking Is Harder Than You Think | Maria Bamford's Funniest Kitchen Stories · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know about you, uh, but I'm really pretty concerned about celebrity chef uh Paula Dean because now her recipes really read like a suicide note.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_04: Yo, we're gonna be making some sweet dreams.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_04: Little balls of butter, charlotte crisco, fat man, crackless blubber, suit.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_04: Mangarine! Mayonnaisy candy awake to a fresh nightmare.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_04: The pain is too great! Oh that and some granulated sugar.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_04: Candy candy cob gummy snakes, mantos, cookies.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_03: Some nerds! Don't look for me.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_03: I've made a plan and I will follow through in it.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_04: Gotta dress that in some high five.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_04: Here crank, whipple crumb, sourcome, ice crumb, cake butter, pink butter, fresh fry stuff mush, mellow fluff, waffle.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_03: An egg bullet and good bag.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: She'll be fine.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to learn to cook.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody always says how easy it is to cook, but it is not any easier than not cooking.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, just get a really good virgin olive oil.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: Uh Girl Scout cookie wrapped in meat.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: Oh no, just slice up a couple of vegetables.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Squeezy cheese on finger, can of wine.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: No, just preheat the oven.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: Hot power bar from glove compartment.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, doodly doop, doodly doop, doodly dood.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Fresh from the oven.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: So, um I wish they'd provide recipes for food they can get at the gas station.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever had a gas station tuna fish sandwich?
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, they're so good.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: Because there's no tuna in it.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's just a scrumptious fishy newgat.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: Or a gas station muffin.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: Awww! You'd have to start with the color yellow.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: That's beautiful.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: Golden giants.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: How do they make them seem so real?
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: I always want to call up one of those public radio cooking shows and ask, hi, my husband and I, uh, we love this show.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: Guests are coming up at six, so I'm gonna pick up the Slurpees at 5 45.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: The corndol taqueto rollers, in order to keep them warm, do I just sit on them?
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_02: I'll take my answer off the air.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I have some friends who are health-oriented, and they say things like, you know, you love carrot cake.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: All you need to do is just put a carrot in a cake pan.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you mean instead of having something that I really like, have a lot of something that I really hate?
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: Uh in that vein, I have uh exchanged my afternoon MM snack with a long walk through the tunnels of the LA River.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I listened to myself making this noise.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's almost a little too rich.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: A little too sweet.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: I would like to be a vegetarian because I would like to think that I would be an Oscar Schindler in the face of a systematic genocide.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: But apparently, first they came for the cheeseburgers, and I said nothing, because I was not a cheeseburger.
• 4:06
  unknown: Okay.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: Not cool.
• 4:10
  unknown: Not cool.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: Okay cookies.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: Cookies.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's what makes it so special.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, right?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_02: anybody you can have tea.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_02: South French.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_02: We'll have to keep sounding friends.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, oh great, great.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you so much.
• 5:09
  unknown: Very nice, oh very nice.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: Uh now I see there's a loving couple in the audience tonight.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um I myself have not had a lot of confidence.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I have not had the gift of Yeah, we both met.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: We both just kind of knew.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: Oh.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, so you guys never fight about anything?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: Oh.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: He doesn't like onions.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Oh.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: So you never had any issues?
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: You had a work through with like a fucking workbook?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: You know, if I were you, I'd just watch out for red flags.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: But what if I'm like a flag factory that only manufactures giant red flags?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you need to learn to be the one before you meet the one.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: What's that, Bob Dylan?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: He's so funny.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, good luck.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, good luck with whatever you're doing.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_03: Merlin the magician with your book of spells and potions.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: I heard a DJ uh say on the radio, yeah, if a woman's over 40 and she's never been married, there's something wrong with her.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_02: Oh no! Oh no! Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_02: Oh no.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: You're doing a great job.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, who's that?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: Your self-esteem.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Awesome.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, certainly.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um there's the possibility of dying alone.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: Uh but I'm fun.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: Pretty soon they're gonna wheel your wheelchair into a wall and forget about you for five hours.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Miss Stanford, we'd wondered where you'd gone.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I was just working out this puzzle in the air.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: I finished the old meal, and now I'm finding pieces of sky.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: You gonna spend time with Mr.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Peterson later this afternoon?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Oh no, we're just keeping it casual.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: If you um ever get in a terrible relationship, sometimes that can happen.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: You make a mistake.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: My last boyfriend, he said, sometimes I get arrested because I don't like ice in my drinks.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Oh my god, that's great.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: Because I cry at everything.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: Let's help each other.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-huh.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: Also, if your sweet pea says something like, Hey babe, I just want to let you know.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: I would never hit you.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: Whoop, you're gonna be getting a beat down.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, right quick.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: Race for impact.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: Papa's coming home.