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I Didn’t Expect to Fall in Love with a Chicken · Relatively Stable

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  [music]
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't expect to fall in love with a chicken.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: How anticipatory grief forces me to purchase stationery.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, it has been a week.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not a vegetarian for as much as I would like to be.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I require a lot of protein.
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  SPEAKER_00: So it goes without saying that I eat chicken.
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  SPEAKER_00: I wish I were different, but it is what it is.
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  SPEAKER_00: I also, like most modern humans,
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  SPEAKER_00: have a strange line in my head between the chicken I buy at the store
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  SPEAKER_00: and the chickens that live at my farm,
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  SPEAKER_00: crowing whenever I raise my voice to give a speech and supplying our house
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  SPEAKER_00: and many others with an abundance of eggs.
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  SPEAKER_00: Here is where I also confess that until this spring,
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  SPEAKER_00: I'd never put two animals together to make another animal.
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  SPEAKER_00: I even sucked at it personally.
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  SPEAKER_00: Despite a whole lot of trying, I never made a baby.
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  SPEAKER_00: So it was with great rejoicing that I welcomed my first flock of chicks this spring
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  SPEAKER_00: after a failed trial run of broody hens over the winter.
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  SPEAKER_00: Six baby silkies are now in their adolescent pterodactyl phase.
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  SPEAKER_00: And it was with great joy that we hatched five additional babies at the end of summer.
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  SPEAKER_00: Twelve chickens, including the originals, felt like an auspicious number to keep over winter.
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  SPEAKER_00: And it would give us time to get our inherited coops up and running and all
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  SPEAKER_00: the chickens out of the barn eventually.
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  SPEAKER_00: Fingers crossed because they're so loud I can't hear myself think
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  SPEAKER_00: when the roosters start their shenanigans.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: When I'm hungry and tired I have a tendency to scream shut up
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  SPEAKER_00: when it's almost midnight and I'm exhausted closing the barn
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  SPEAKER_00: and the chickens think it's morning.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm not one of those chicken-obsessed people who wears cute t-shirts with pithy sayings.
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  SPEAKER_00: Other than the three remaining elderly hens from my first flock ten years ago,
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  SPEAKER_00: my mother asks if I'm trying for the Guinness Book with those ladies.
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  SPEAKER_00: All my current silkies were gift chickens that were seeking new homes
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  SPEAKER_00: when we were seeking our new home at Lavender Hill.
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  SPEAKER_00: I eat chicken.
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  SPEAKER_00: I like eggs.
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  SPEAKER_00: Some of the silkies, my mother also says, look like soap dispensers or show cats.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm intrigued by them, but I have never expected to fall in love with a chicken.
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  SPEAKER_00: But when the first egg cracked in our current brood and out popped a tiny,
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  SPEAKER_00: perfectly white cotton ball of a chick, I took notice.
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  SPEAKER_00: But I did not give it a name.
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  SPEAKER_00: As the days went by and I watched this dandelion fluff explore the world,
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  SPEAKER_00: I noticed that I was beginning to favor it.
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  SPEAKER_00: I picked it up and marveled at its beauty, at its vitality.
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  SPEAKER_00: I was amazed that all it took was good food, fresh water,
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  SPEAKER_00: and sex for something so perfect to come into being.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'd peer over the stall to watch the little babies settle in.
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  SPEAKER_00: In between lessons as I closed the barn,
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  SPEAKER_00: whenever I needed a moment to clear my mind,
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  SPEAKER_00: I'd peek in and see how the tiny ones were doing.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'd count each one, two, three, twelve, etc.
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  SPEAKER_00: I never consciously thought much of these new habits I was forming with the silkies.
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  SPEAKER_00: My affection for them got all mixed up in my schedule, in my routine.
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  SPEAKER_00: Love, the real kind, Sneaks up on you like that.
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  SPEAKER_00: Just ask Christopher.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: This past week, I felt like my insides had been ground down into hamburger.
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  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't because of any crisis or catastrophe.
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  SPEAKER_00: I just felt unsettled.
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  SPEAKER_00: Nothing felt right.
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  SPEAKER_00: In reaction to the distress,
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  SPEAKER_00: I began obsessively purchasing new journals and covers and planners to soothe
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  SPEAKER_00: the ache.
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  SPEAKER_00: After a Sunday nap in the blue room,
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  SPEAKER_00: I woke and scoured my drawers for an old fountain pen,
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  SPEAKER_00: hoping it would still be salvageable.
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  SPEAKER_00: Like the apostles, there should be twelve.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's been a long time since I have been able to write by hand,
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  SPEAKER_00: because my fingers alternated between feeling like they were on fire
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  SPEAKER_00: or completely numb, like my family's emotions.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm now three plus weeks from carpal tunnel surgery in both hands,
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  SPEAKER_00: and I'm delighted because I can feel and write all analog again.
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  SPEAKER_00: All this stationary panic buying felt like a premonition.
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  SPEAKER_00: It was.
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  SPEAKER_00: Tuesday, I gave last hey late and closed the barn with my headphones on.
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  SPEAKER_00: And an ache in my heart that had no direct correlation with anything happening in my life.
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  SPEAKER_00: It was like a grief bubble in my throat that swallowed my questions.
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  SPEAKER_00: I later told Amy in Knoxville,
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  SPEAKER_00: who is my constant relief friend for the inexplicable words that swim in my head.
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  SPEAKER_00: Pre-grief is a thing.
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  SPEAKER_00: As I checked the barn, I counted the silky chickens and kept coming up with 11.
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  SPEAKER_00: There should be 12.
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  SPEAKER_00: So I kept counting over and over as if my shaky math would write an equation
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  SPEAKER_00: that defied physics and made a better ending.
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  SPEAKER_00: The missing chick baffled me.
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  SPEAKER_00: The flock was safely secured in the barn, safe from all predators.
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  SPEAKER_00: I walked out of the stall where they were kept and back in.
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  SPEAKER_00: I found zero clues.
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  SPEAKER_00: After a while of this back and forth, I peered behind a travel crate the hens had arrived in.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's where I found my little cotton ball chick, now larger and darker,
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  SPEAKER_00: but still preternaturally perfect.
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  SPEAKER_00: She was struggling to breathe.
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  SPEAKER_00: I freely admit I asked chat GPT for veterinary advice.
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  SPEAKER_00: There isn't a single animal or livestock vet in this county that will do
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  SPEAKER_00: a late night farm visit for a sick, silky chick.
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  SPEAKER_00: I thought about my long gone friend, Sam,
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  SPEAKER_00: who tended her chickens by carrying them around in purses
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  SPEAKER_00: when they needed extra care.
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  SPEAKER_00: Could I conjure Sam?
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  SPEAKER_00: Was her ghost near me?
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: I think her ghost is always near me.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Each week, I set aside a little something extra for my paid subscribers.
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  SPEAKER_00: A video from the farm, a bit of conversation.
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  SPEAKER_00: And things I think you might enjoy seeing that didn't make it into this week's essay.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's a small thank you from me and a way to bring our bigger community deeper
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  SPEAKER_00: into daily life at the farm.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Stable Roots is such an important part of my life and the people
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  SPEAKER_00: who support it give me the freedom to keep telling these stories
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  SPEAKER_00: in all their ridiculous, heartbreaking, occasionally profane glory.
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  SPEAKER_00: I thank you.
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  SPEAKER_00: If you would like to upgrade,
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  SPEAKER_00: just click on the original essay and scroll down a bit and you'll find
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  SPEAKER_00: a subscribe button.
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  SPEAKER_00: I hope you join me.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: From what I could gather online,
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  SPEAKER_00: because talking with the dead rarely gives direct answers and dosages,
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  SPEAKER_00: the medication I needed would only be available when a farm supply store opened
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  SPEAKER_00: in the morning.
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  SPEAKER_00: I made a little bed for the chick and stashed her in the tack room,
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  SPEAKER_00: away from the barn cats and the giraffes.
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  SPEAKER_00: I watched her struggling to breathe and I wondered if my touch was soothing
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  SPEAKER_00: or awful.
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  SPEAKER_00: I searched online again to see how fast I could get the meds I needed
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  SPEAKER_00: but in the midst of that I remembered that Tammy,
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  SPEAKER_00: A fully vested wise woman in our farm family and the epitome of a barn manager had
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  SPEAKER_00: an entire cabinet she kept filled with her chicken supplies in the hay room.
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  SPEAKER_00: It was there on the second shelf that I found two bottles of the medication I needed.
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  SPEAKER_00: Angels started singing.
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  SPEAKER_00: My ability to prepare syringes for late night barn dramas was faster than my skill
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  SPEAKER_00: at registering what this chicken meant to me.
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  SPEAKER_00: As I prepared the meds, I worked on autopilot,
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  SPEAKER_00: unaware that I truly had a vested interest in the outcome.
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  SPEAKER_00: Mostly, I was angry at myself because I had not taken the time to learn
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  SPEAKER_00: the best methods for carefully and quickly euthanizing a chicken.
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  SPEAKER_00: Chicken is a staple in my diet.
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  SPEAKER_00: I should know better.
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  SPEAKER_00: I should do better.
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  SPEAKER_00: We all should.
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  SPEAKER_00: The chick drank her medicine.
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  SPEAKER_00: I finished chores, tucked her in, and prepared to tend to her through the night.
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  SPEAKER_00: Let me tell you about how dawn feels when you've spent the night with a sick animal.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's not the kind of sunrise you experience at the beach.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's holy, like a fairy tale, like an offering, like a baptism.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sunrise in animal husbandry is a place where human time no longer matters.
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  SPEAKER_00: You're in between worlds so deeply inside your body that your mind has dropped its trash.
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  SPEAKER_00: The walk from where I've stolen a few hours of sleep
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  SPEAKER_00: to where an animal lies convalescing
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  SPEAKER_00: on so many days and in so many ways is a litany
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  SPEAKER_00: of hope that lives inside my chest.
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  SPEAKER_00: At dawn, the chick was still breathing.
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  SPEAKER_00: I gave it a little dose of medication, which she accepted readily,
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  SPEAKER_00: and I made a mash of feed crumbles and a water container in modified plastic cups,
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  SPEAKER_00: cropped low so the chick could reach with her tiny beak.
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  SPEAKER_00: I scratched a sticky note for the tack room door so everyone could remember to keep it closed.
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  SPEAKER_00: Then I went about my day.
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  SPEAKER_00: For all outward appearances,
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  SPEAKER_00: it was a normal day filled with sessions and lessons and banter with the barn crew,
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  SPEAKER_00: but the chick's suffering lived in the base of my mind.
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  SPEAKER_00: I ate lunch and kept going, but stopped by the talkroom in between sessions to check
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  SPEAKER_00: on the chick.
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  SPEAKER_00: I dropped dollops of water into her parched beak and A lot of my friends are still
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: in elementary school.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: My two o'clock session was one of them,
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  SPEAKER_00: and she was also present when the latest peep of baby chicks was newly hatched.
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  SPEAKER_00: This child was invested in the care of these chickens, and she's deeply practical,
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  SPEAKER_00: smart, and studied in the rhythms of nature.
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  SPEAKER_00: When she and I checked on the chick, she was the first to confirm that the chick had died.
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  SPEAKER_00: I admit my first thought was, can we reverse this?
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  SPEAKER_00: Is chicken CPR a thing?
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  SPEAKER_00: Sam would have known what to do.
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  SPEAKER_00: With zero time to break out the Ouija board, I looked to the child for guidance.
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  SPEAKER_00: What do we do now?
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  SPEAKER_00: I asked.
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  SPEAKER_00: We bury it, she said.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: So we did just that, beneath the oaks edging the back of the barn.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: We said prayers and my student's mother constructed a cross from twigs and pliable vines.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't have asked for better energy and better people to be sad with.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: As always, after a barn crisis, the day continued.
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  SPEAKER_00: I taught sessions and typed the final edits for Stable Roots.
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  SPEAKER_00: I checked off items I'd written on the ticky boxes in my new planner.
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  SPEAKER_00: The tangible act of handwriting brought the day into focus.
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  SPEAKER_00: It kept me calm.
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  SPEAKER_00: I was obsessed with the smoothness of the thick paper.
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  SPEAKER_00: It reminded me of how my grandfather was always busy with his hands, an inheritance of grief.
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  SPEAKER_00: I was doing pretty well, all things considered,
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  SPEAKER_00: but as I stood in the middle of the riding arena, my phone dinged.
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  SPEAKER_00: It was a notice from Christopher,
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  SPEAKER_00: which was odd because he and I converse during the day at very regimented times
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  SPEAKER_00: when he is on break at work.
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  SPEAKER_00: The message said that he would be gone most of November.
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  SPEAKER_00: He was being shipped off for work.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it sucks being really good at your job.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a black cat Scorpio, and by that I mean the good sort of Scorpio.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: You've probably met a Scorpio that was really hard to be around.
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  SPEAKER_00: I strive to not be that version.
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  SPEAKER_00: I think jealousy is wasted breath, but I will track you down to learn your secrets.
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  SPEAKER_00: I will not, I promise, make you sign a contract in blood,
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  SPEAKER_00: but I'll totally hoard any knowledge I've gained of you to use sparingly
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  SPEAKER_00: if you ever cross me.
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  SPEAKER_00: No worries.
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  SPEAKER_00: Being a Scorpio means that I was, most likely, born in November.
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  SPEAKER_00: Christopher will be gone for my birthday and Thanksgiving,
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  SPEAKER_00: though I have high hopes he will work tirelessly to come home sooner.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: I think my mother is still processing.
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  SPEAKER_00: She's having flashbacks to all those years she and I were left alone
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: with our crazy life, like Big Edie and Little Edie in gray gardens.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: What am I doing with all this anticipatory grief?
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm buying stationery and complicated tote bags.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm an A5 faux moleskin kind of writer who prefers pencils, fountain pens,
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  SPEAKER_00: or a Pilot V7 black ink.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: I have my brand new planner from Hemlock and Oak.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's divine.
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  SPEAKER_00: It'll keep me sane.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: I ordered a leather folio to put it in my daily journal and except
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: the folio I receive looks like a Bible cover.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I've taken to walking up to people while I'm carrying it and asking
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  SPEAKER_00: if they've asked Jesus Christ to be their Lord and Savior.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: So far, everyone has said yes.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: I used to be a major proponent of November as National Novel Writing Month,
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  SPEAKER_00: but I've backslid over the years,
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  SPEAKER_00: my effort going the way of my LiveJournal account and Lord of the Rings fanfiction.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: I've only recently learned that the organization sponsoring the event dissolved
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: in 2025 under some ugly allegations,
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  SPEAKER_00: so I'm doubly glad that I abandoned ship a long time ago.
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  SPEAKER_00: Yet, from my birthday this month,
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  SPEAKER_00: I have been given the gift of a sudden absence as inspiration to fall in love
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  SPEAKER_00: with writing again.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: Also, my hands are now working, so writing by hand has become a pleasure once again.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: I quit all my real jobs close to 30 years ago to write a book.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: I guess it's timed.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like an eggshell, my heart has to be cracked open a little for me to be able
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: to reach the word life inside of it.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't imagine a better backdrop for writing than this farm.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: If I were going to sign up for a retreat, I would want the setting to be here at Lavender Hill.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: The tools we choose to put our thoughts into the world are a deeply intimate act.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: A pen is never just a pen, and a notebook isn't just a collection of blank pages.
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  SPEAKER_00: They become witnesses to our lives,
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  SPEAKER_00: holding everything from grocery lists and appointments
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: to the things we haven't been able to say out loud.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: I have spent so much of my adult life writing for other people to read
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: and That I have almost forgotten the pleasure of writing something because I wanted
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: to feel the pen moving across the paper.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now that my hands have been returned to me, I'm so interested in the details of it all.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: I want to feel the weight of a pen, the texture of paper,
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: and the satisfaction of turning a page and knowing that something
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: of me has been left behind.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me about the pens you write with.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me about the paper.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: Do you prefer horizontal or vertical planners?
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have ticky boxes for your to-do lists, cursive or print?
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me about your notebooks.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: And tell me about your grief, the real and the imagined.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: Where do you place it when the shell of your heart has been cracked open?
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: Love, Kim.
• 18:25
  [music]