Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 38: From Resentment to Reclaiming Power

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38: From Resentment to Reclaiming Power · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

• 0:00
  Hey everybody, welcome to the podcast.
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  Excited to speak, hanging out with you today.
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  OK, so I got a question for you. How long has it been since you
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  felt like you didn't have any power in your relationship and
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  you felt kind of powerless? Like everything's been taken out
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  of your hands by your choices and you left and it maybe you're
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  feeling some resentment because of it.
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  You're feeling like, I don't know, you're trying to do
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  everything that's in your control and things aren't
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  necessarily getting better. So we're going to talk about
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  that today. Welcome to Beyond the Facade
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  podcast. I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and
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  I'm thrilled to have you join me in the space today.
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  What we're going to be doing is diving deep into the trials and
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  triumphs and truths of seeking authenticity.
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  Becoming your true self isn't about a single action or a
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  moment. It's a relentless pursuit, a
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  commitment to self that reveals the rich connection and meaning
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  that our life has to offer. So whether this is your first
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  time tuning in or you're a regular listener, know this.
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  What you're building here goes beyond a conversation.
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  You're here to challenge, to change, and to celebrate the
• 1:03
  incredible journey of becoming your authentic self.
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  Because when you dare to show up fully, the rewards are
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  immeasurable. So welcome to Beyond the Facade.
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  Let's get started. Before we jump into the topic
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  today, y'all, I wanted to read to you some of the feedback that
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  we got from the intensive. We did.
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  So we did the unmasked intensive here in Spanish Fork, UT last
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  week and I was just so pleased with some of the feedback that
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  we we had. So the unmasked intensive is
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  about leaning into vulnerability and understanding some of the
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  root cause family of origin stuff, which ultimately it's the
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  stuff that keeps us masked and then we avoid vulnerability.
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  So I just wanted to read a couple of these to you.
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  I put, if you don't mind, can you share something that we
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  could use anonymously to help others understand what to
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  expect? Because it's like a big, I don't
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  know, it's a scary thing to or maybe not scary, just an
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  uncomfortable thing to show up with a bunch of strangers and do
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  a three day intensive. So the this person put this
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  course really helping lean into vulnerability and I really see
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  the benefit of showing my true authenticity.
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  The reward far outweighs the risk of this person said I love
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  the connection with with those around me.
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  It was eye opening to learn how to open up, show love for
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  myself, and be OK with what's going on inside of me no matter
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  how hard or ugly I see it. Somebody else said this course
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  has been life changing. The information helped me
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  uncover patterns and realities of my parents and family that
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  allow me the opportunity for self love.
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  This has provided me with the essential tools for lifelong
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  change of recovery. This person said it was
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  everything I didn't know I needed to begin true recovery.
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  I just wanted to take a moment and share with you some of the
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  stuff that people were saying about the intensive.
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  We had a couple surprises for them, a couple things that I
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  think they dreaded at the very beginning, but ended up really
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  seeing a ton of value from it. And it was really cool to see
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  these men leaned into some emotions and some experiences
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  that they maybe didn't know they could do.
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  All right, So, yeah, let's talk about the topic today.
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  So today we're going to explore a topic that I find that I hold
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  deeply personal to me. One of one that's got my own
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  story tied into it, one that I believe a lot of people can
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  relate to. Frank, frankly, I'm talking to
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  him about with them. And those are how feelings of
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  resentment often stem from powerlessness.
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  So I I heard that. I don't know how long ago it
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  was, but they said if you feel resentful that stems from
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  feeling like you're powerless. So it's like I don't have any
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  power, any control. So a personal story of mine,
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  personal experiences fairly early on after I probably had
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  5-6 therapy sessions, the beginning of my journey, my
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  therapist made an observation of me being resentful towards my
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  partner. And I was like, I don't think I
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  have the I I I denied it at least in my head of I don't feel
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  resentful. I, I don't think I have the
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  right to feel resentful because of all the choices that I made,
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  because of how much I've hurt my partner.
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  So I can't feel resentment. And the, the realization that I
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  had through many sessions was there was suppressed resentment
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  that was present and was influencing how I was showing up
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  in the relationship outside my values.
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  And this taught me an important lesson about resentment and
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  power and the damage that of unaddressed emotions, some stuff
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  that I was really shoving down that was continuing to impact my
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  relationship and myself. So even though I was caught and
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  even though I was having to go to therapy, even though I I
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  owned that I made a mistake, I still had some stuff bubbling up
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  of resentment. And I was pretending like I
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  didn't. Let's take a second.
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  Define resentment. It's a complex emotion that's
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  tied to feelings of like injustice, hurt, or an unmet
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  need. Resentment often arises when you
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  feel powerless or unheard. What I hear often is, is when do
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  I get a chance to share how I feel?
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  When is the other person going to hold space for me?
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  When are they going to hold pain for me?
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  So suppressing those feelings often strengthens their impact.
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  So you might be going to like the people run to.
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  OK, if I'm not hiding or suppressing my resentment, then
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  I guess I just better be sharing my resentment.
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  So man, that's not exactly where we're going to go with this, but
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  we'll talk about it here. I want to give an example of
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  the. So if you got a guy who's in who
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  feels unheard in his relationship and bottles that up
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  and has frustration that often leads that passive aggressive
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  behavior or emotional withdrawal.
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  So he's either going to fight or he's going to shut down.
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  So what we want to notice here for a second is is why men often
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  struggle to recognize that they have resentment.
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  There's first of all, a lot of societal expectations.
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  It was fun of this intensive because we unpacked a lot of
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  culture stuff of things we put on us.
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  We ask questions like, OK, so in your family of origin, you know
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  what, what, what feelings were valued.
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  And I think one guy said I was allowed to be hungry.
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  I was allowed to be sad at times.
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  And and he's like, I was allowed to be like positive emotions,
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  like happy, whatever it was. But he recognized through his
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  culture and his family that he grew up here in phrases like
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  suck it up or be a man, which conditioned him to view like
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  vulnerability as a weakness. So that's where the resentment
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  lies is, is because I don't have a way to express what I'm
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  feeling, nor do I know what I'm feeling.
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  And it gets pushed down. And we believe that expressing
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  it's going to make ourselves appear weak or ungrateful.
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  So those societal expectations of just pushing and shoving
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  emotions down, not having a voice, but in not an aggressive
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  way, but being able to state how I feel is one of the reasons why
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  we struggle to recognize resentment.
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  There's also this thing of guilt and shame in recovery, feeling
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  like these men, they don't deserve to have resentment
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  because of their own mistakes. Now, that's what I was talking
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  about earlier in my journey. Is this a man who betrays his
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  partner, feels like he has no right to express that
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  frustration when his partner sets boundaries, That's a big
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  one. Like she's setting boundaries.
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  When do I get to have boundaries?
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  So he's going to internalize the narrative of it.
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  You know, I caused this. So I can't feel upset.
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  Even though the boundaries might trigger underlying feelings of
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  rejection and inadequacy, he's really just going, I don't
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  deserve it. I can't.
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  I don't have a voice. And it's goes to a place of
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  like, shame. And that buries that resentment
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  and makes it kind of unrecognizable for some, not all
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  of them. And there's internal conflict.
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  Resentment often is like an unacknowledged response to an
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  unmet need. Let's think about that unmet
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  need. One of the four faulty core
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  beliefs of an addict that Patrick Carnes teaches us about
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  is that I have to meet my own needs.
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  Nobody else will. So I need to, let's say the
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  partner, him, he feels resentful and his partner doesn't
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  acknowledge his efforts to rebuild trust.
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  So that can be really frustrating that hey, I'm trying
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  really, really hard over here. Can't you give me some kind of
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  recognition and a reward instead of recognize that feeling that's
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  inside of him. And then recognizing there is
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  some validation that's dated, he suppresses and tells himself,
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  it's my fault we're here, so I shouldn't I shouldn't need
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  appreciation. That unacknowledged need to
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  recognize like feeds that resentment.
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  So even though he doesn't subconsciously realize it,
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  sometimes he doesn't subconsciously realize it and
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  sometimes he does. So those are the three things.
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  So those cultural expectations of men need to push emotions
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  down. You know, another one is this
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  feeling like I don't deserve it or have that unacknowledged
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  unmet need. What we want to go back to here
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  is, is that thing I started with, which is I'm feeling
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  resentful. And the reason I feel resentful
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  is because I feel like I don't really have power and I don't
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  have the ability to take. I don't have any type of power.
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  Resentment is a belief. It's a belief that we lack that
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  power and control in the situation and it creates a cycle
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  of frustration. So we tell ourselves we're stuck
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  and that change isn't really possible.
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  Here's the truth about power. The reality is, is, and it's
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  hard to see, so hard to see. The reality is we always have
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  power. We just might not see it or know
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  how to access it. But if we put a belief system in
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  place, if we feed this new belief, which is, or the old
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  belief which is, I don't have choice.
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  I don't have control. We give our power away.
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  So that's where the resentment stems from is, is if I believe I
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  don't have power, but if I start to believe that I have power, it
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  means I have choice and I'm making a choice.
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  So the first step to shifting that narrative instead of saying
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  it like I have no choice, right, is to I, I do have a choice.
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  I do have a choice not only to just kind of like sit with that
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  for a second because I can recognize this podcast to be so
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  invalidating thinking about the situation you're in and going, I
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  don't look, I don't know what you're talking about on the
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  choice. Like I've got to just fall in
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  line with what other people say with what my partner's telling
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  me I have to do. Resentment is a signal that
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  we're ready to take back our power and start making
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  intentional decisions. Let's give him some examples
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  here. So a guy feels powerless in his
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  relationship because partner is setting strict boundaries after
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  betrayal. So he believes I have no say in
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  this. So which was going to fuel that
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  resentment. What he can do is he can
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  recognize that while he can't control his partner's
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  boundaries, he does have the ability to have the power to
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  decide what he is going to do right, The power to show up in
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  the relationship, how he communicates and how he invests
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  in his own growth. So going like I could sit back
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  and I could wait for her to place boundaries on me or I
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  could make a choice and what my healthy looks like.
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  Because usually a partner's boundaries that are put down is
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  his reactive approach to his recovery.
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  So I just want to say that again.
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  So his partner's boundaries are just his reactive approach to
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  recovery. Once he starts making choice and
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  takes his power back, he picks those things and he says, I am
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  going to choose what I'm going to do.
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  And I do. I just want to recognize like
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  the once you're in the reactive state, your partner puts up
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  boundaries. It does feel powerless, but you
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  still do. You get to choose to explore and
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  understand those boundaries. You get a chance to remember
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  those boundaries. You get a chance to choose to
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  create. I call them barriers, not
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  boundaries of your own. What we want to do is the first
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  thing we do is recognize your emotion like it's valid, even if
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  you're still undeserving. So here's the steps to reclaim
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  your power. I want to give you some
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  actionables here if you want it. First one is the awareness.
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  That's the first piece. Acknowledge the feelings of
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  resentment, powerlessness. Don't run away from them.
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  You know, journal about the triggers and the moments of
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  frustration and better understand the root causes.
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  And do this with people that are really good, that are advocating
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  for what healthy is. We want to empower ourselves to
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  make choice based upon our values and sometimes we need
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  that awareness with somebody that's got our set of values in
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  mind, like they value the relationship, but that's what we
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  value. Self reflection is the next
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  piece. Awareness and self reflection.
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  So I'd identify what need is not being met and what's driving
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  those emotions. One example of that is realizing
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  that you have resentments that stems from not feeling
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  appreciated for your efforts. We talked about that and begin
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  to have open conversations about what validation looks like for
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  him. So that would be, you know, what
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  I do, I do want to feel like I am getting different types of
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  feedback on my recovery. So I'm going to lean on my
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  accountability, my accountability partners, other
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  people in my circle, they're going through recovery and I'm
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  going to be able to state to them what I need, which is I
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  need some validation right now. I need some I need some kudos, I
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  need a pat on the back and here's the behavior about and
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  then somebody that you trust. And again, that person that's
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  really important is we have that circle around this is people
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  that understand our values and can challenge us.
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  So we have our thinking is off. They don't become hurtful.
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  OK, So we have awareness, self self reflection.
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  And then there's healthy expression.
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  Learn to voice your emotions constructively.
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  One of the most power ones I hear is as I feel statements to
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  express frustration without blaming somebody else.
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  I've seen that with men when there's like a boundary laid
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  down, saying, hey, one of the things that I'm feeling right
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  now as I'm feeling defensive towards the boundary and I'm
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  recognizing what's going on and I need to recognize what's going
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  on inside of me. So he's stating that emotion,
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  he's stating what's happening on the inside.
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  He's not asking his partner to do something differently, but
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  he's not pushing that down. And I hope that can just be
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  highlighted right now, the what this choice is really about,
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  which is the choices I'm making. But it's not the suppressant of
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  emotion, but of the recognition of power inside of self
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  ownership. This is the fourth one.
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  There's just 4/4 actionables ownership.
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  Understand that reclaiming your power is about a choice and
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  alignment, not control over others.
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  So if a man decides to focus on how he shows up in his
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  relationship rather than expecting immediate change from
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  his partner, so he decides like OK, I'm going to recognize
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  what's in my control and outside of my control and make choices
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  based upon that. This in the moment of
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  dysregulation is going to feel like not a lot is changing, but
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  when we understand our emotions, processes our emotions and get
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  to the other side and understand the thoughts and the feelings
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  that are based around them, it does start to look different.
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  We start to get empowered. Encouragement that I have for
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  you. I just want to share this with
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  you. If you're struggling with these
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  feelings of resentment, if you know this about yourself doesn't
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  make you a bad person with your partners saying things that are
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  uncomfortable. It simply is just a signal that
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  there's something worth paying attention to, something that
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  that's ready to ready to heal. So if we take a second step
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  back, notice what were emotions, notice that resentment popping
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  up. There's choice.
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  There's power to be taken back because we're not powerless.
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  So it's good to hang out with you.
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  I just encourage you to just surround yourself with people
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  that can help you process and understand and learn more about
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  yourself. I I've noticed that my own
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  thinking gets skewed, I get dysregulated and I need to take
• 17:25
  time to reflect on my emotion. Sometimes I can do that on my
• 17:27
  own, sometimes I need somebody else.
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  Being able to have a coach, therapist, group is crucial to
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  taking my power back. Anyway, it's good to hang out
• 17:37
  with you today and look forward to talk to you soon.
• 17:41
  Hi guys, it's Laura with Choose Recovery Services.
• 17:43
  I wanted to let you know about a course we have coming up, a
• 17:46
  Boundaries Boot camp. If you've been walking this
• 17:49
  journey for any length of time, surely you've heard the term
• 17:51
  boundaries and you likely have thoughts, questions, or even
• 17:54
  strong feelings about that word. Questions like what are
• 17:57
  boundaries? Why don't my boundaries work?
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  How do I set healthy boundaries? Or why does my partner get to
• 18:03
  set boundaries that control me? And many others may be at the
• 18:06
  forefront of your mind. Boundary work is one of the most
• 18:10
  important skills you can learn, not only to survive the
• 18:13
  betrayal, but to regain sure footing and confidently left
• 18:16
  beyond it in solid recovery and healing.
• 18:19
  This Boundaries Boot Camp is a six week course aimed at
• 18:22
  answering the most pressing questions about boundaries and
• 18:25
  helping you step out of a place of survival and into a place of
• 18:29
  thriving, both individually and relationally.
• 18:32
  There are two groups that run concurrently, 1 for betrayed
• 18:34
  partners and one for partners seeking recovery.
• 18:37
  The answer for both is setting healthy boundaries, but the
• 18:40
  approach is different. Check out the link in the show
• 18:43
  notes or visit chooserecoveryservices.com For
• 18:46
  more information. Hey, thanks for joining us
• 18:50
  today. If this is something that you
• 18:52
  connected with, I'd love to meet with you more and talk about it.
• 18:55
  So what you can do is go to chooserecoveryservices.com or
• 18:59
  check the show notes and there what we can do is set up a quick
• 19:02
  conversation needs. Thanks so much for listening to
• 19:04
  Beyond the Facade where we unmask the authentic cell.