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Friends with Kids · Let Them Fly - Heather Harries Ed Hub

• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: Hello and welcome to another episode of our podcast, Let Them Fly.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: And it's me, Heather Harris, and today I've got a lovely group in the studio, and we're talking about friends with kids.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: So we have two people here who have got no children, and two people who have got children.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: So Nicole and Angela have both got youngish kids, and Vari and Emma have got no children at all.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know whether it's whether you agree with me, but and I'm coming out the other side, so my children are relatively adults, but I don't know if you agree with me.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: When you go to someone's house in in the evenings for supper, and it's that, shall I bring my children?
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: Shall I not bring my children?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: Are they going to be well behaved?
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: What happens when you go to that house that's beautifully decorated and all the ornaments are at low level?
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sure we can all remember those.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: So let's start with parents on the parents' side of the table and see what their feelings are about going out to dinner with children.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, to be fair, I always absolutely dread it.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: And we have a nanny, so a lot of the time I will choose to leave my kids with the nanny at home.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: But if I have to go with the children, and it's someone's house who probably doesn't have children, mine are little tinkers.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: They will touch anything, smash anything, be in your cupboards, be in your knicker drawer.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: I will tell my kids, my friends, lock your doors, put your ornaments away, like babyproof your house before I come over, because my kids are going.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't want them to touch it, they are going to touch it.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: And Angela, uh so we're a little different.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: We don't have someone at home all the time, so I do more so have to take mine with me.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: But it's a case of reading them the riot act before you go, you do not misbehave, don't touch anything, watch your manners.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's but then you also want them to enjoy themselves, so you don't want them to be scared, but there is that little bit of social anxiety as in, are my children going to show me up and it'll be a reflection on me.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: But really, they're just excited to be going somewhere and to see these people.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: And it's funny how hosts always say, Yes, bring your children, yes, we'd love to see them until they actually arrive.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: So having said that, I have I have to say, you know, when yours came over the other evening, they were very well behaved.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't think this is a don't think I'm having a go at anything.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: Your children were beautifully behaved and a real credit to you.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: And from the other side, I don't know how you feel, but I know when I used to take my children out and I used to say to my friends, discipline them.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: If you want to shout at my kids, you go for it.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: How how do you feel about that?
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: I absolutely love other people, even if they're not friends, like people in the park, you know, teachers, people in the street, people in the shops, anyone disciplining my children, because as long as they do it in an appropriate way and they don't shout at them, um just because I I genuinely believe in that whole thing it takes a village to raise a child, and I've gone to people's houses where they let their kids jump on the sofa, and I don't let my kids jump on the sofa in my house, and I I like that because like you, your house, your rules, like not everyone has the same rules, the same as each country you live in might not have the same laws, and we have to abide to the the laws have to be and the rules have to change depending on the person, depending on the place.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I think kids need to understand that what you can do in your house is maybe not what you can do in school or somewhere else.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: And when you bump into people in the park, if if they pick your child up on a behaviour that's and they do it in the correct way, I'm I'm all for it.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'd agree.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Anything to add to that?
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: No, I I'd agree with that as well.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: And like you said, if it's been done in an appropriate, fair way, then it's absolutely fine.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I think sometimes the child can m take more notice of them.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: You say it to them, and they just look at you as if you're not there.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: Someone else says it and they're like, Oh, all right, I mustn't do that again, or I must do it this way.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: So sometimes it's more effective than yourself.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm going to come across to this side of the table where we've got two people here who don't have children, beautifully decorated houses.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: How do you feel when your friends arrive with their kids?
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_02: Er, I'm quite a kiddy person, generally, so I'm quite free-reigned, like, go for it.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_02: If there's something in the house that's ma manageable to be broken, then I should have moved it before because I knew the kids were coming round, you know.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_02: Um come in, uh have an adventure in a new place, pick things up, do what you want.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_02: I'm I'm okay with it, to be honest.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_02: Do you ever feel awkward that you if you need to tell a child off in your own home?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_02: Uh no.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_02: And and and yeah, I'm quite quite uh comfortable to say it, as Nicole and Angela were saying, quite nicely.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_02: You know, not sure you should be doing that.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: Or do you think mummy and daddy would be happy if you didn't?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: You know.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: And do you think that's because you're from a bigger family, so you're used to having nieces and nephews kind of running around?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I suppose growing up with I mean, my sister has seven children, it's a bit much.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_02: You get used to those things.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_02: But uh yeah, I suppose I I'm just used to, you know, the way you should word it.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_02: And Emma, you you're you're that non-child person.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_03: Tell us how you feel when children arrive um and run wild in your home.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_03: So I d haven't had any of my friends' children in any of the places I lived yet.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm at the age where my friends have just started having kids.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_03: So my eldest, uh the eldest child out of all of my friends' children, she turned four at the weekend.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_03: So um we haven't got to the stage of them coming to mind, but I've gone to theirs and we had her birthday party, etc.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_03: So I remember the first time I met her, she was about 18 months-ish.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_03: So, you know, she was walking and you know, talking, air quote, more like blabbering.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't understand what she was saying.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_03: She would say something and I'd relay it to my friend.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_03: She'd go, Oh, yeah, she's after this, this, this.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_03: And it's um, I think it's about finding the right balance of recognising that I am a figure of authority, I am a grown-up.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_03: But then there's a responsibility on myself to respect my friend as a parent and also understand what their parenting style is to make sure that I discipline in a way, like Nicole said, that's appropriate.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_03: So my friend with her with her four-year-old, they're slightly more holistic in their parenting style.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_03: Um, they don't have a naughty step or anything like that.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_03: But their approach, if if she does do anything that's a bit naughty or cheeky, is that you know, you get her full attention.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_03: So you either, you know, turn her towards you or, you know, you sit in front of her and then you ask, Why did you do that?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_03: You know, why are you angry?
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_03: Why are you crying, instead of say, you know, no, don't do that.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_03: So since I've been in Dubai for the last two years, I've been learning about their parenting style with her specifically.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_03: And then other friends who I've met who have kids, you know, they have slightly different different parenting styles.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_03: Some are a bit more strict or some are a bit more old school as it may be perceived.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_03: So for me, I'm learning a lot through having friends with kids, especially at the young ages they are and watching them grow up.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_03: Might be, you know, well-versed if I ever have my own or absolute shambles, you know, those people that could give all the advice but never do it themselves.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm and I'm good, I'm gonna throw you've just touched on something there, and I'm going to absolutely throw this one out on the table.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: Go on, let's have the secrets out of the bag of those little horrors that have come to your home.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: Tell us a story.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: Try to think.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: I can remember I can remember a child coming to my home quite recently, and um I we'd kind of I put craft stuff out on their t on the table because I thought, oh, you know, it's gonna be quite a long afternoon, and I turned around to find my dog was painted blue.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_03: But do you know what I did that as a child?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_03: So we went to my aunt's and I painted the dog's tail, but the paint was still wet, and the dog went through the way bumping its tail, and it looked like a murder scene.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_03: So yeah, I have been that child, and I think when you when you see kids doing, you know, naughty things, you have to remember that actually I've probably done that too.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_03: And you know, finding that balance of you know, discipline, trying not to laugh because then that sort of arguably eggs them on.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_03: You know, sometimes, you know, the the little four-year-old I was talking about, she'll do or say something, and they're like, I can't laugh because it's so funny, but it what you're doing is so naughty, you know, it's hilarious what you're doing at the same time.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, I I paint a dog's tail.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: And and coming to and and coming to on to the other side, you know, how did you feel when your friends, uh particularly people who've got not got children, how do you feel when your friends have their first baby?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: How how does that relationship with them change?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I think their relationship is obviously going to change.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, from going on nights out, ha having nice lunches, being able to just like pick up and go a steaky anytime you want.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_02: We've now got this little little one to to care about.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but we've been really open on if they're happy and comfortable on bringing the kid to lunch and uh bringing the kid on a steaky, then we're more than happy for the kid to come with us.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_02: Definitely definitely.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_02: Um but then it it's it's more what I find is the stress of the parents when you go out to lunch because they feel that we're we're fine.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_02: We sit there and she's fine, like just leave her, like she's happy, but they're stressing about it.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my god, she's making noise, I pick her up, I'll take her out, and then they don't enjoy the lunch.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_02: That's that's the hard bit that I found is watching them stress about it, whereas we're pretty laid back and we're just like, she's she's a baby, she's fine, like they're run riot, like I'll chase her, you know.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_02: You have a break, I'll chase her.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_02: I don't do it every day, you know.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I agree.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_03: I think especially with first-time mums, and again, only a few of my friends have kids.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_03: So a lot of my because I have friends in the in several different groups, a lot of the kids are the first kid within that friendship group, and I think there's there's maybe subconsciously a lot of first-time parent shame when you don't have anyone in your immediate circle who you can talk to or relate to.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_03: So going on that she's making noise.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_03: I just want to hang out with you, babe.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_03: I don't care.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_03: If you want to go home, we can go home.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_03: I just want to hang out, chill out, and I think there's a lot of pressure that mums in particular put on themselves that actually no one else is putting on them.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_03: And I think, you know, especially when it comes to bringing your your firstborn in in public, people worry too much.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and there's a fine balance.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_03: But yeah, I can completely agree with you on that one, Vari.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_03: I just I just want to see you.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: And going across to the mums that have what have children, go and tell us your worst visit to somebody's house with your child.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure if I can say it on podcast, but I will.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: We can edit it out later.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I visited my friend in Singapore and she had two, they're very similar to desert dogs.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, what you see here, two these really big things that she'd rescued, and I was like, Are your dogs, you know, okay with the kids?
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, Yeah, they've been around my my kids since they they were babies.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, hmm, you've not met my children, they are little tinkers.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the dog was fast asleep with its bum towards my toddler who had a bubble wand, who saw something that might feel somewhere else.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Needed to say the dog shot across the room just as it touched near the tail.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so yeah, it was like, you know, it's not sometimes.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: And were you excited back?
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: I know I I was, but a lot of the time I think people say, you know, is it okay?
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Can we trust the dog with the children?
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's not the animal, I don't trust it's my children because literally with the you know it's yeah, so a dog might bite if you go near its back end with a bubble one.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: Angela, anything you want to add?
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um, just going back to what Vari said about, I think as a parent, you go out and you spend that much time worrying about how your children are behaving, you don't then enjoy yourself.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes when people go, Yeah, we're gonna go out, but we're just gonna do it adults only, it's the best news ever.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, well, sorry kids, it's not my fault you can't come.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: They don't want you there.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes it's actually a blessing in disguise.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I think not even just when you go out with friends that haven't yet got children or different things.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it is nice just to go out without them.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: But I've been fortunate that I've a lot of my friends have got the children as well, so we sort of all just muddle it in together.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: We just all sort each other's kids out.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_03: And I must admit, I've said this before, as someone who doesn't have kids, when one of my mum friends is like, it's mum's night out, I am there.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_03: If I they're like, Oh mums, is that okay?
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_03: I'm going out with my mummy friends, we're having a night out without the kids, is that okay?
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_03: And they're like, sign me up because a mum's night out is the best night out.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_03: It could be a Tuesday, it can be a Saturday, whenever it is, a mum's night out is so much fun because again, as someone who doesn't have kids, I don't understand that level of like, obviously, we all love our children, they're you know, love them until the end of time, but you know, there's that level of release of like, right, I can let my guard down, I can do this for me.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_03: You know, parents and mothers especially sacrifice so much of themselves in every way.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_03: A mum's night out is fantastic because you can see them really letting loose, their inhibitions are gone, you know.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_03: I just the stories I hear as well, oh, you'll never guess what my child did.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, oh, the gossip, like mum's night now.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_03: I've said it once and I'll say it again, Mum's Nights Out are the best nights out.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_03: And if anybody listening wants to invite me on a mum's night out, I am there.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_03: But reverse personally, I thought because it's always so much fun.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: So I think I mean I I think as a as a mum, obviously I've had four kids and I've come out the other side, and and I have to say, one of the things that people say is, your children are so well behaved.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: Well, once they get to 25, I expect them to be well behaved.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: It was before that that I was having problems with.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: But I think one I think one of the things, and you said, Nicole, you said it takes a village to raise a kid, and I think that is absolute 100%.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, raising a child and making sure a child has the right discipline, has the right conversation, has the right friendship is so important from everybody.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: And a mum can influence them, can guide them, but certainly your friends give them that extra special, special kind of I don't know, difference and different viewpoint.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I like I love the fact that I'm auntie to hundreds of different children.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: I love the fact that they treat me as that auntie and that I can say what I like to them, but I also like the fact that I could send other people's children home back to their mind.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: So takeaways from today, great to have friends with kids, or not great to have friends with kids.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I love it.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: I love that little practice baby.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: Great.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: I would learn to be our kids to be lying or not.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I I obviously love to have friends with and without kids, and I think I actually the more a person will help with my child and help control them and give that input onto my parenting because I'm not the perfect parent and I don't mind taking anyone else's like tips and tricks, then I love for friends that just act as that auntie and will get stuck in and and help me control the little beasts, you know.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I think it's nice as a mum, it's just so nice to have that break and and to know you've got somebody that will trust that will just you know, we I've got a very I've got a couple of very good friends here, but one in particular, and every time her children fell out with her, they came to me.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_01: And every time my child fell out with me, they went to her, and we used to say, You need to say sorry, you need to go home and say sorry.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: But sometimes that extra balance and somebody else saying it just makes all the difference.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you so much for joining me.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: It's so lovely that you know, with balance, you know, we all end up with kids eventually in some shape or form, and it's so lovely that that is so much part of our life and so much part of that life cycle.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you for joining us on the Heather Harris podcast, Let Them Fly.