Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #346 Father's Day Tribute

Transcript

#346 Father's Day Tribute · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
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Speaker 2: Now, once you realize that you're not getting it right
0:13
Speaker 2: the discipline and the child wearing thing, you discover that
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Speaker 2: it's not about the kids, it's about you.
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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
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Speaker 1: and dad.
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Speaker 2: Well, what a week. It's been Father's Day happening this Sunday,
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Speaker 2: and I don't know what's coming up in today's podcast, Kylie,
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Speaker 2: you've got that all covered. But we've talked to your dad,
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Speaker 2: We've talked to my dad, we've talked to Alli've got
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Speaker 2: a mentor and father figured to me. And today so
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Speaker 2: by the way, I'm justin Doc Justin Coilson, dad to
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Speaker 2: six daughters, author of six books about raising happy families.
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Speaker 2: Here with Kylie, my wife and one of those girls
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Speaker 2: and podcast co hosts. What are we doing today? What
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Speaker 2: have you got planned?
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Speaker 3: You know, it's really hard to surprise you. You just seem
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Speaker 3: to know whenever something's going on.
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Speaker 2: I know something's going on today.
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Speaker 3: But Mother's Day it was such a beautiful experience for me.
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Speaker 3: You interviewed our girls and they just said some beautiful
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Speaker 3: things about me, and I wanted to return the favor.
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Speaker 2: I figured that's what you were asking me. Why you
1:12
Speaker 2: were asking me how to use all the equipment.
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Speaker 3: I'm just hoping I pushed the right buttons and by
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Speaker 3: now we don't have dead air. But I was able
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Speaker 3: to spend some time with our girls in the studio
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Speaker 3: and ask them a few questions about you. What does
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Speaker 3: Daddy always say to you?
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Speaker 4: You got to love the hills, You got a love
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Speaker 4: the hills.
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Speaker 3: What's the thing that you love most about Dad?
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Speaker 1: Easily like his really resilience and the way that he
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Speaker 1: just bounces back from things.
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Speaker 5: I really like the way that he treats you, and
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Speaker 5: that has kind of raised the bar for me for
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Speaker 5: what I want in a boyfriend and her husband.
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Speaker 4: I love how Dad is constantly trying to push me
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Speaker 4: to do my best, even if I feel like I've
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Speaker 4: done as much as I can. He always pushes me the.
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Speaker 1: Way he's and he puts on his direct deodoran.
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Speaker 6: One of the things I love most about dat is
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Speaker 6: that he showed me what I deserved in a husband
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Speaker 6: and the way that I should be treated as a
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Speaker 6: wife by the way that he acted with my mum.
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Speaker 1: One of the things. That is probably my favorite is
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Speaker 1: he constantly pushes me to have a positive attitude, and
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Speaker 1: no matter what I do, he's always there for me,
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Speaker 1: cheering me on.
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Speaker 3: How would you describe him to someone who's never met him.
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Speaker 3: He's not as scary as all my friends seemed to say,
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Speaker 3: and he thinks he's funny.
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Speaker 1: He's kind of harry.
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Speaker 4: He's somebody who always strives to do better than his best.
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Speaker 1: I would describe my dad as a hard worker. When
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Speaker 1: it comes between family and work, there is no decision
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Speaker 1: at all. He loves us and family is more important
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Speaker 1: than anything to him.
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Speaker 5: I'd remind them that he thinks he's a bit funny,
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Speaker 5: and so he might try to do a little bit
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Speaker 5: of a.
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Speaker 6: I want to be all serious and I'm Ella's dad,
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Speaker 6: and I'm going to scare you a little bit, But
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Speaker 6: it's all just a joke, so don't take it too seriously.
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Speaker 5: He just thinks he's funny.
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Speaker 2: My dad is.
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Speaker 6: A very hard working man.
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Speaker 5: He always gives.
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Speaker 6: One hundred and ten percent into everything that he does.
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Speaker 6: He always wants to be better. How does your dad
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Speaker 6: show that he loves you?
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Speaker 1: He lets me listen to my music in the car,
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Speaker 1: even when he doesn't want to I snuggle up with him.
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Speaker 4: He's constantly trying to make time for us.
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Speaker 6: I actually think that Dad and I always always had
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Speaker 6: a really good bond and our ability to be able
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Speaker 6: to communicate with each other.
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Speaker 1: He shows it every day, even when he gets mad
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Speaker 1: at me, or we have a bit of an argument
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Speaker 1: at the end of the day, or after a little
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Speaker 1: break I've gone to my room, he comes in and
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Speaker 1: he asks for forgiveness.
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Speaker 5: He's normal first person that I like to talk to,
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Speaker 5: and the way that he listens to me and in
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Speaker 5: trucks when we have conversations really shows to me how
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Speaker 5: much he cares for me.
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Speaker 3: When was the last time your dad made you laugh?
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Speaker 1: A couple hours ago?
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Speaker 4: It was this afternoon, just today.
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Speaker 5: In the car.
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Speaker 1: Today we were singing the roll call from the office.
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Speaker 4: My name is Daddy. Yeah, I'm very strong. Yeah.
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Speaker 1: When I thought, yeah, what's the ending, it really pomps.
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Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure that.
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Speaker 3: Tell me about your favorite daddy daughter time together.
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Speaker 4: When we were kids, Dad used to play music and
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Speaker 4: he would dance around the room with us, and that
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Speaker 4: was always something that was really fun.
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Speaker 6: Ever since I was a little girl. There's this one
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Speaker 6: song that my Dad and I always dance to Blue
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Speaker 6: Hotel by Chris Isaac.
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Speaker 2: What makes you proud of Dad.
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Speaker 6: The way that he knows how to best help people
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Speaker 6: and is able to make an impact in their lives
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Speaker 6: as a result. Dad knows what he wants, and he
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Speaker 6: works hard to get what he wants, and he always
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Speaker 6: strives to be better.
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Speaker 1: I'm proud that he spends so much time doing work,
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Speaker 1: and even when the schedule's really tight, he still makes
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Speaker 1: time for his family.
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Speaker 2: My Dad's a hero to me.
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Speaker 4: Happy Father's Day. I love your Dad.
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Speaker 6: I love your dad, but I'm never watching the footage
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Speaker 6: with you ever again.
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Speaker 1: Happy Father's Day, Dad, Happy Father's Day. I love you
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Speaker 1: because you're always there for me.
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Speaker 4: Happy Father's Day, Dad, I love you.
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Speaker 5: Happy Father's Day. I love you. I think that you're
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Speaker 5: the best.
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Speaker 2: My Dad's a hero to me.
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Speaker 3: Up next, we're going to hear your reflections on being
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Speaker 3: a father.
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Speaker 4: It's The Happy Family's Podcast.
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Speaker 7: Imagine a Home. We're Discipline got results without anyone having
6:01
Speaker 7: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts
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Speaker 7: of discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits
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Speaker 7: with love, compassion, and humanity. Find it now at happyfamilies
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Speaker 7: dot com dot au slash shop.
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Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
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Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now, and today we're
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Speaker 3: actually doing something a little bit different. We're celebrating you.
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Speaker 3: It's Father's Day and the kids have obviously shared their
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Speaker 3: thoughts and now I'm interested to hear what your thoughts are.
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Speaker 2: Well, let's dive into it. I've tried to do what
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Speaker 2: you did. I don't know if I'll do it nearly
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Speaker 2: as well, but I've put together some ideas, some thoughts
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Speaker 2: about what it is to be a father. A lot
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Speaker 2: of people talk about how becoming a father changed them.
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Speaker 2: They talk about that moment where they held their baby
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Speaker 2: for the first time and everything was different. It's the
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Speaker 2: moment time stands still. They go from being a lad
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Speaker 2: one of the boys to knowing that life will be
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Speaker 2: different from that point forward. It's the moment on which
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Speaker 2: their future is founded. Well, for me, it was nothing
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Speaker 2: of the sort. I mean. I was elated at the
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Speaker 2: birth of our little ray of Sunshine. I was deeply touched.
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Speaker 2: I was weeping for my wife, Kylie, as she labored
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Speaker 2: and gave her all to birth our baby. My love
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Speaker 2: and appreciation for her deep into a level that I
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Speaker 2: could never have believed and still can't describe. As I
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Speaker 2: helplessly watched on, offering a puny and pathetic BackRub between
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Speaker 2: contractions and feeling more in awe of the young woman
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Speaker 2: i'd married than I knew how to express. That was
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Speaker 2: the moment I knew I could never do enough to
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Speaker 2: show my love to my wife, the woman who would
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Speaker 2: go on to give birth to five more children and
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Speaker 2: grow our family into what it has become today. I
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Speaker 2: am in awe Kylie has my heart. But back to
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Speaker 2: the baby's birth, it goes without saying that I was
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Speaker 2: entirely caught up in savoring the softness of our baby's skin.
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Speaker 2: The newborn baby smelled that makes you want to inhale
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Speaker 2: the entire baby. The first smile, the way her hand
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Speaker 2: would grasp my little finger when I placed it into
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Speaker 2: a palm, and oh, that first smile.
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Speaker 6: I love.
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Speaker 2: The way we would play games on the floor. When
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Speaker 2: Shenel learned to crawl, I would watch as she crawled
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Speaker 2: away from me. As the distance increased, I would reach out,
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Speaker 2: grab her ankle gently tug until she flopped onto a
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Speaker 2: belly and then drag her back to my embrace, only
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Speaker 2: to repeat it again and again and again. Something was happening.
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Speaker 2: I was learning to love this little girl in new
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Speaker 2: and wonderful ways. It was exhilarating, but still I was me.
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Speaker 2: Nothing had changed. It was simply the next step in
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Speaker 2: my well planned life, career, marriage, children, Everything as expected.
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Speaker 2: I wasn't changing. Why should I. It wasn't until I
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Speaker 2: realized something was wrong with me that being a father
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Speaker 2: changed me. I've written about this, and I've spoken about
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Speaker 2: it many times before. My book Twenty one Days to
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Speaker 2: a Happier Family has the most open and honest account,
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Speaker 2: and I won't rehash it here. But by the time
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Speaker 2: that our eldest was around the age of three, I
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Speaker 2: realized something was wrong. I didn't know what to do
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Speaker 2: with a child who had her own mind, and I
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Speaker 2: made enough serious mistakes to recognize that I needed to change.
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Speaker 2: That's when fatherhood started to change me. It's been close
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Speaker 2: to twenty years since that day, and fatherhood has now
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Speaker 2: profoundly changed me. I say this a lot, and I'm
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Speaker 2: living testimony to it. Parenting isn't about the kids. The
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Speaker 2: product of parenting is the parent. I'm the product of
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Speaker 2: how we've raised these six girls. So I wanted to
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Speaker 2: share some reflections on fatherhood, stuff that I've learned about me,
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Speaker 2: about life, about kids that I may or may not
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Speaker 2: have figured out without those six precious angels that I
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Speaker 2: call my daughters. These are things that hit me as
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Speaker 2: a dad, but they're probably relevant to both parents. First,
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Speaker 2: it really does go too fast. I miss that toothless
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Speaker 2: newborn smile. I miss the newborn smell. I actually miss
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Speaker 2: watching mashed potato get caked through our kids' hair. I
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Speaker 2: missed the delighted squeals of Daddy Daddy as I walk
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Speaker 2: in the door at night after a long day in
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Speaker 2: the office. I miss those midnight visits when a bad
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Speaker 2: dream got too scary and my hug was what they needed.
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Speaker 2: I miss holding their hands as they enter school for
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Speaker 2: the first time. I miss shoulder and horsey rides. Now
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Speaker 2: that Emily's nearly eight, my back's nearly forty years older
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Speaker 2: than that. With four kids and their teens and beyond,
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Speaker 2: I wonder how it all went by so fast, And
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Speaker 2: I wish I could live those years again, have those
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Speaker 2: moments again. The second learning, you will feel that you
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Speaker 2: can never be enough. Now this has two meanings. The
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Speaker 2: first one is this, kids end up in tough situations,
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Speaker 2: and as the parent, there is an expectation that you're
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Speaker 2: to help them figure it out. But if you have
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Speaker 2: a child who's being bullied, or maybe who's just struggling
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Speaker 2: with friends, you realize pretty soon that you can't do
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Speaker 2: much about it. If you have a child with a
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Speaker 2: diagnosis or additional needs, or some kind of illness, like
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Speaker 2: my friend whose son was diagnosed with brain cancer at
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Speaker 2: age nine, you realize pretty fast that you can't do
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Speaker 2: much about that stuff either. In fact, as a parent,
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Speaker 2: you're often pretty impotent. You can't do much about the
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Speaker 2: stuff that's the heaviest, and you won't feel like you
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Speaker 2: can ever do enough. And yet they don't need you
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Speaker 2: to do anything most of the time except be there.
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Speaker 2: Listen love. The second way of looking at this idea
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Speaker 2: of never feeling that you can be enough. Once you
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Speaker 2: realize that you're not getting it right the discipline and
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Speaker 2: the child wearing thing, you discover that it's not about
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Speaker 2: the kids, it's about you, and you begin a process
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Speaker 2: of self improvement that feels impossible. I replay my mistakes,
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Speaker 2: my angry outbursts, my impatience over and over and over again,
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Speaker 2: and I wish I could be better. I make those mistakes,
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Speaker 2: and I don't feel that I can be enough that
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Speaker 2: I can be worthy of my kids. The third lesson
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Speaker 2: showing up is the main game in parenting. I'm amazed
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Speaker 2: at how critical that one thing is. Just being there,
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Speaker 2: showing up, loving those kids and being in their lives.
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Speaker 2: It's like that is it. Fourth, as a parent, you
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Speaker 2: have to be a hope builder. Our job may be
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Speaker 2: more than anything else, is to help our children believe
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Speaker 2: that the future is worth living for and contributing to.
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Speaker 2: When they feel like it's too hard, that it's hopeless,
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Speaker 2: that's when we do our job best. Number five dancing
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Speaker 2: is joy. I've learned that even though I can't dance
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Speaker 2: to save myself, my kids don't know that. And as
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Speaker 2: we whiz and twirl around the kitchen to Stephen Curtis
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Speaker 2: Chapman's Cinderella or Bob Carlyle's Butterfly Kisses not a fuck
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Speaker 2: how to bed time, I see smiles on my girl's
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Speaker 2: faces that lead me with a feeling that's simply incomparable
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Speaker 2: to anything I can imagine.
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Speaker 3: Number six.
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Speaker 2: The trust they place in you is impossible to live
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Speaker 2: up to, but there's no choice and number seven, letting
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Speaker 2: go is harder than you can imagine. As I completed
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Speaker 2: a book about raising teenage girls called Misconnection, I wrote
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Speaker 2: the following, I'm far from a traditionalist, and theoretically I
13:44
Speaker 2: struggle with the idea that a man should give his
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Speaker 2: daughter away in marriage. Nevertheless, in practice, my heart says
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Speaker 2: something different. As I put the finishing touches on this book,
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Speaker 2: my eldest daughter married her sweetheart in late May twenty nineteen.
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Speaker 2: I stood beside her, my arm intertwined with hers. With
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Speaker 2: the gently setting Queensland sun illuminating the quiet countryside, our
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Speaker 2: family walked her to where everyone stood almost at attention.
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Speaker 2: The family peeled off to their seats one at a time,
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Speaker 2: until it was just Kylie and me standing beside our
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Speaker 2: eldest daughter. Kylie hugged her, kissed her on the cheek,
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Speaker 2: and left me beside this girl who will have my
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Speaker 2: heart just like her sisters will forever. At the appointed moment,
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Speaker 2: Chanelle and I walked together slowly down the aisle. There
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Speaker 2: were other people there, I'm sure of it, but I
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Speaker 2: didn't notice anyone or anything. It was just my daughter
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Speaker 2: and me, arm in arm, taking slow, deliberate steps towards
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Speaker 2: a new and exhilarating future for her. As we walked,
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Speaker 2: I realized I didn't want the moment to end. I
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Speaker 2: wanted to walk slower. While she was never really mine.
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Speaker 2: For one far too short minute, the entire world consisted
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Speaker 2: of me and my little girl, my little ray of sunshine.
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Speaker 2: Of course, our relationship is not over. She'll always be
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Speaker 2: my biggest little girl, will continue to enjoy our Sunday
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Speaker 2: morning walks or our Sunday evening roasts. But my baby
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Speaker 2: is all grown up. She's not sleeping at my house anymore.
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Speaker 2: She's not going to come into my room at night
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Speaker 2: to wrestle, ask for an extra hug, or tell me
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Speaker 2: about her latest exciting adventure. Kylie and I watch with
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Speaker 2: compassion and love as our daughter takes the connection we've
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Speaker 2: offered to her and begins the journey in you, connecting, loving,
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Speaker 2: and growing her own relationships with her husband and eventually
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Speaker 2: perhaps her own precious children. Raising them to let them
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Speaker 2: go is hard, but that's just how it should be.
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Speaker 2: And what I'm most grateful for is this. You never
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Speaker 2: stopped being a dad.
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Speaker 3: We hope you've enjoyed today's podcast, Happy Father's Day for Sunday.
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Speaker 3: We hope that you have an amazing day with your family,
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Speaker 3: but we recognize that for some people, Father's Day can
16:13
Speaker 3: be tough, and our hearts go out to you. The
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Speaker 3: Happy Famili's podcast is produced by Justin Roulin from Bridge Media.
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Speaker 3: Our executive producer is Craig Bruce. We love it when
16:23
Speaker 3: you give us reviews at Apple Podcasts, especially the five
16:27
Speaker 3: star ones. If you'd like to know how to make
16:29
Speaker 3: your family happier, because the happy family doesn't just happen,
16:33
Speaker 3: please check out the Happy Families memberships at happyfamilies dot
16:36
Speaker 3: com dot au