Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 227: Relationship Circles: Who Actually Belongs in Your Inner Circle?

Transcript

227: Relationship Circles: Who Actually Belongs in Your Inner Circle? · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  Now, today we're going to be exploring how to determine where people belong in our lives.
• 0:27
  Because yeah, ideally everybody is our best friend, right?
• 0:30
  I mean, come on, a lot of us grew up with Mr.
• 0:32
  Rogers, where everybody was our neighbor.
• 0:34
  Or we maybe grew up with Barney, who would every day sing,"I love you, you love me.
• 0:39
  We're best friends, as friends should be." And yes, ideally, we get along with everybody.
• 0:45
  Ideally, then we're everybody's best friend, right?
• 0:47
  That sounds so amazing.
• 0:49
  And also, individuals, they grow and evolve over time.
• 0:53
  And so it stands to reason that if you are growing and evolving on a different timeline or in a different direction from another person, then you might be making yourself exhausted just trying so hard to make things work.
• 1:05
  Think of your relationships as a bullseye, and in the center of that bullseye are your besties.
• 1:10
  These are the people that you have the most intimacy with, as well as the highest level of expectation.
• 1:17
  And when you move to an outer ring just outside of the center, then those are the people that sure, you're pretty close to them, but the level of intimacy and expectation, it's a little bit lower.
• 1:26
  In other words, you're probably willing to share quite a bit with them, but you're not sharing literally everything with them, right?
• 1:32
  They haven't achieved bestie status.
• 1:35
  And as you move out even further, the level of intimacy and expectation, it continues to fall.
• 1:40
  Conflict in a relationship, it arises when your level of expectation, it doesn't quite match up with what it is that they're able to offer you.
• 1:48
  So, for example, maybe you are looking for a bestie, but the other person, they're looking for just a casual acquaintance.
• 1:55
  Or maybe you have a standard of thoughtfulness and consideration that you really want in a bestie, but they aren't quite meeting those expectations.
• 2:03
  And so you find yourself wishing that they would change when really your solution, it might be to just adapt your own expectations.
• 2:11
  ;Now, if you are a visual person, I highly encourage you to check out the show notes.
• 2:14
  I have a link where you can get a visual for these relationship circles that we're going to be talking about, as well as ten questions to help you to determine who belongs in which circle.
• 2:24
  Because it's not just about changing your expectations of other people or trying to force or coerce them into the center of your bullseye, but it's about determining where people belong.
• 2:33
  It's about determining what circle best matches the level of intimacy that you're both capable of in that relationship.
• 2:41
  Now, to illustrate this, I'm gonna be sharing three examples with you.
• 2:44
  One about a new relationship, one about an old relationship that maybe needs some readjusting, and then a third one on maintaining the relationship by adjusting your own expectations.
• 2:54
  And this is really important because for many people, and especially recovering people pleasers, it is significantly easier to ask the question,"Do they like me?
• 3:03
  How can I fit into their life?" And it's way easier to ask those questions than to take the time to ask yourself,"Hmm, I wonder, do I like them?
• 3:11
  Are they capable of meeting my expectations?
• 3:13
  And how might they fit into my life?" This is a very different question.
• 3:19
  Because the truth is that once you start looking for who actually resonates with you versus who it is that you can maybe win over through people pleasing or through kindness or persuasion, then the whole game changes.
• 3:31
  People pleasing says,"I need to make sure that everybody likes me." Emotional maturity says,"I don't resonate with everybody, and everybody doesn't resonate with me, and that's okay." People pleasing says,"If they don't like me, it must be my fault, and I need to change." Emotional maturity says,"Just because somebody doesn't care for me, it doesn't mean that anything is wrong with me." People pleasing says, I must please and placate others, otherwise they're going to leave me.
• 3:58
  Emotional maturity says,"Love me or leave me.
• 4:01
  I am not going to allow your perception of me to control how it is that I show up." Okay, so now let me share with you a few practical examples, okay?
• 4:09
  So first, the new relationship.
• 4:10
  Jane, she really wanted to be in with the cool moms at the park.
• 4:14
  So she would bring treats, she'd ask questions about them in an attempt to find common ground.
• 4:19
  She would invite them over to her house for playdates.
• 4:21
  But it seemed like no matter what she did, she was kept on the outside of that group.
• 4:26
  The other moms, they would decline her offer for playdates, but then she would hear them talking about how they got together over the weekend, and they didn't invite her.
• 4:34
  She noticed that when she was walking over to them to say hello, they'd start talking a lot more softly and kind of turning their backs to her.
• 4:40
  And the questions that she was asking them in order to get better acquainted, none of those questions were reciprocated.
• 4:46
  In fact, it was really starting to seem as though they were just tolerating her existence rather than actually wanting to get to know her.
• 4:53
  And this really got into Jane's head, and so she did what a lot of people pleasers do.
• 4:57
  She started to try harder.
• 4:59
  She tried harder to act like it didn't bother her.
• 5:01
  She tried harder to act like these same women.
• 5:03
  She tried harder to prove her worth and her value by bringing more gifts and more fun things for the kids to prove herself to these disinterested women.
• 5:10
  She was trying harder and harder to demonstrate that they had things in common.
• 5:14
  For example, bringing the book along that she heard them talking about and showing that she was also reading it, but nothing was changing.
• 5:21
  But when Jane really started to slow things down, when she started to calm the anxiety of not being liked and not being well-received, then she realized the now very obvious truth that she actually only had one thing in common with these ladies: they all brought their kids to the same park.
• 5:37
  And that was not enough to make these ladies her besties or her intimates.
• 5:42
  Over time, she started to practice curiosity.
• 5:45
  Not the kind of curiosity as to like,"Oh, do they like me or not?" Or,"Oh, what could I do to make them like me?" But instead, she was practicing the curiosity around, do we have things in common?
• 5:55
  Do they resonate with me?
• 5:57
  Do I like them?
• 5:58
  And originally, she thought that, okay, well maybe they're just shy or maybe they're just slow to engage.
• 6:04
  But now she could see that they were actually exclusionary and kinda rude.
• 6:08
  And she realized that she didn't actually want to be friends with people that were exclusionary and kinda rude.
• 6:13
  She wanted to be friends with the moms that were warm and welcoming and engaging, the moms that were kind and inclusive and open to making new friends.
• 6:22
  Her people-pleasing conditioning had been trying to tell her that she needed to win over these moms that she didn't actually resonate with.
• 6:29
  But the truth is trying to win over people that you don't actually resonate with, it is absolutely exhausting.
• 6:36
  And there were other moms at the park who might actually be a better fit for her, a more natural fit, one that didn't need to be forced or coerced or persuaded, but people who actually naturally resonated with her.
• 6:49
  And once she realized that there may be other people around her who might be a better fit for her, then her eyes were opened to the other moms that frequented that park, and she did actually resonate with them and did enjoy spending time with them.
• 7:00
  She was ultimately able to find that connection that she'd been looking for.
• 7:04
  She just needed to let go of that people-pleasing and trying to prove herself to those that didn't actually resonate.
• 7:10
  When we find people that are looking for the same thing that we are looking for, we call it a want match, and we're gonna be talking more about want matches next week.
• 7:18
  So make sure that you are subscribed here to the podcast if you're wanting to learn more about how to have relationships that really resonate without people-pleasing, okay?
• 7:26
  We're gonna talk about that next time.
• 7:27
  Okay, so now let's talk about another example, including people-pleasing Pam and her already existing relationship that now is in need of adjusting.
• 7:36
  Pam's friends have recently been treating her, well, not as kindly as they had in the beginning.
• 7:41
  They started leaving her out.
• 7:43
  They started making jokes about her that felt more condescending than playful.
• 7:47
  They started making light of her very serious situation at home, and it was really weighing on her.
• 7:53
  She had this belief that, well, if I can just be nicer to them, if I can be more forgiving, more understanding, more helpful, more empathetic towards them, then they'll start to treat me as kindly as they did in the beginning.
• 8:03
  These were friends that she actually used to be extremely close to, so she knew that they were capable of being the kind of friends that she was seeking.
• 8:10
  But now she was feeling like these friendships, they were pretty lopsided, and it felt like it was always her trying to prove that she had worth and that she had value.
• 8:19
  Because she had been in a relationship with these women for years, she felt very invested into these relationships.
• 8:25
  So she did attempt to talk with them at first about the changes that she had noticed and her hurt feelings, but she felt dismissed and didn't know what to do.
• 8:34
  Now, through coaching, we were able to look at her relationships with fresh eyes.
• 8:37
  And yes, she had been in a relationship with them for well over a decade, but people change.
• 8:43
  So not only is it likely that they had changed over their time together, but it's just as likely that she also had changed, that they were now just in very different places, and that's okay.
• 8:54
  So as we talked about it, I asked her, I said,"Okay, so if you met these people today, would you still choose to be friends with them?
• 9:00
  And if so, what ring would they go in?
• 9:03
  How intimate of friends would they be?
• 9:05
  If you met them today, would they be intimate friends or would they be more like casual acquaintances?" And this really helped her to adjust her own expectations as well as her own level of investment into those relationships.
• 9:17
  Okay, third example.
• 9:19
  Joe has a friend that seems to only have the capacity for superficial conversation.
• 9:23
  And Joe desperately wants to connect on a deeper level with this friend, but he's actually not sure that it's possible.
• 9:30
  He's been waiting for a long time for things to change, but they're not able to get any deeper.
• 9:34
  And this is really creating a lot of frustration for Joe.
• 9:37
  But by simply adjusting his expectations to fit what his friend was currently able to offer, in other words, by moving his friend to another ring instead of trying to force him into the center ring, then he was actually able to feel a lot more relaxed when they did get together, instead of constantly feeling frustrated that all that they seemed to talk about was what was on TV last night.
• 9:55
  And this freed up Joe's time and emotional bandwidth so that he could look around for somebody else who was better able to meet his need for depth and meaningful conversation.
• 10:04
  The relationship, it didn't change, but his expectations did, which helped to minimize his resentment in relationship.
• 10:13
  It's okay to reassess what relationships are and are not serving you from time to time, even if you've been in a relationship with them for a decade or more.
• 10:22
  It's okay to adjust your expectations of others and place them into another relationship circle that better suits that relationship if you need to.
• 10:30
  Most of the time when we meet somebody new, then they start in an outer circle and they slowly make their way in.
• 10:37
  Over time, we become more and more intimate with not only intimacy increasing, but our level of expectation, and this feels normal and natural and comfortable for people to be moving in that direction.
• 10:48
  And sometimes relationships, they're moving in the opposite direction as people grow and evolve and change.
• 10:54
  Somebody who once was an intimate or a trusted confidant, somebody that you used to spend every single day with, then maybe now the relationship has changed, and it's time to adjust not only that friendship ring that you choose to put them in, but your expectation around that level of intimacy there.
• 11:09
  The conflict arises in a relationship when our level of expectation does not match the current level of intimacy or their capacity for intimacy.
• 11:16
  So when you notice dissonance in a relationship, then it may be time to just take a look at your relationship and adjust it accordingly.
• 11:24
  Adjust your expectations.
• 11:26
  Maybe somebody needs to be moved to another ring for just a season.
• 11:29
  For example, maybe you want to change the level of expectation as they're navigating a big life change.
• 11:33
  Or maybe the move will be something that is a little bit more permanent in either direction.
• 11:38
  But give yourself permission to adjust expectations and intimacy as other people reveal themselves and as you evolve and grow.
• 11:45
  It's kind of like looking at your shoes and being like,"Okay, is this one too worn out?
• 11:48
  Does it still give me the arch support that I need?
• 11:51
  Do I need a new size?
• 11:52
  Is this one feeling too tight?
• 11:53
  Do I need a little bit more room in the toe box?" There's so many ways that we can just adjust our relationships in the same way, and it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or with them or the relationship.
• 12:03
  There just might need to be some adjusting around your expectations.
• 12:07
  Sometimes people, they want to grow and evolve with you, and other times they won't.
• 12:12
  But it doesn't mean that you have done anything wrong or that they have.
• 12:16
  It's just a new season, and you're both adapting accordingly.
• 12:20
  So here are some questions to ask yourself as you're reassessing where people belong.
• 12:23
  And again, if you like these questions, if you want a few more, click the link in the show notes, and you'll get a whole little mini workbook for free, okay?
• 12:29
  So go and check that out.
• 12:30
  But here are some questions to help you: Am I keeping somebody close just because of the shared history that we have or because of the relationship that we have today?
• 12:40
  If I allowed people to occupy the circle that their actions have earned rather than the circle that I wished that they belonged in, who would move closer, and who would move further away, and who would stay the same?
• 12:52
  Who would be the appropriate person to share this with?
• 12:55
  Now, notice I'm not saying, okay, well, who do I wish could be there for me?
• 12:58
  But who has already demonstrated that they can be there for you when you're wanting to share?
• 13:04
  When we change how it is that we define the relationship or when we change what ring and level of expectation that we place upon other people, then it can be uncomfortable to create that change.
• 13:13
  But it's also a hundred percent okay to reassess and make changes if and when the relationship is no longer working for you.
• 13:20
  You can have more authentic and fulfilling relationships as you, number one, take the time to assess what it is that you actually want to get out of life, and number two, identify, okay, who is it that can actually fill that role for me?
• 13:31
  Now again, make sure that you're subscribed here to the podcast because next week we're going to be talking about want matches and how to identify those people that are a true match for you without the anger, without the resentment, And without all the mind drama.
• 13:43
  All right, well I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 13:45
  Bye now