Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 50: Want Matches: Finding Harmony in Relationships

Transcript

50: Want Matches: Finding Harmony in Relationships · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome to episode 50.
• 0:23
  Can you believe that I just hit 50?
• 0:26
  Episodes like how crazy is that?
• 0:28
  It feels like a super big deal to me.
• 0:30
  So I just had to let you know, this is episode 50.
• 0:33
  And I know that many of you have been here since the beginning.
• 0:36
  So thank you.
• 0:37
  Thank you.
• 0:37
  Thank you for the love and support.
• 0:39
  And I also know that most of you have just kind of found me along the way.
• 0:43
  And I just got to say it's one of my most favorite things.
• 0:45
  When I go on, I look up the numbers and I can see that somebody has just found me and whatever it is that I said must have resonated with them because then I can see that they're binge listening.
• 0:54
  Bunch of episodes.
• 0:55
  And that's kind of my favorite thing.
• 0:57
  Honestly, it means even more to me when I see one person binge listening.
• 1:01
  Then when I see like one singular episode with a bunch of downloads, like I love it when I can see that what I have to say resonates with one person.
• 1:08
  So thank you so much for listening.
• 1:10
  And also, I thought it might be fun to just share a few more of the love notes.
• 1:14
  So I received cause it's really kind of fun to see, like what brings people to the podcast and where it is that they jump in and dive in.
• 1:21
  And so I'm going to share a couple of comments here.
• 1:23
  One comment is about my episode on boundaries and the other one is on the episode I did on energetic boundaries.
• 1:29
  So that, that was kind of interesting.
• 1:30
  Seems like boundaries is a theme.
• 1:31
  So maybe I'll talk about that a little bit more when you leave me reviews, it really does.
• 1:35
  Let me know what it is that resonates with you so I can create more content around that.
• 1:39
  So anyway, the first one reads.
• 1:40
  I found your stuff recently on Instagram.
• 1:42
  And I just listened to your podcast on Spotify regarding boundaries.
• 1:45
  It was so helpful.
• 1:47
  I have read and heard so much about boundaries before and still struggled the way that you put it really clicked for me.
• 1:53
  And I am so grateful for the new tools.
• 1:55
  Thank you very much.
• 1:57
  That means so much.
• 1:58
  So thank you.
• 1:58
  Thank you for listening.
• 1:59
  And then the second one says, thank you so much for your podcast on energetic boundaries.
• 2:03
  This has been something that I've been working on for several months and your simple tips were exactly what I needed this week.
• 2:09
  I love all of your posts and podcasts.
• 2:12
  I hope to do some life coaching with you soon.
• 2:14
  Thank you for all of the light that you bring and share into the world.
• 2:17
  Ah, thank you.
• 2:18
  You guys.
• 2:19
  Oh, my goodness.
• 2:20
  I just love it.
• 2:20
  When I get these messages, it just brings me so much joy to read them.
• 2:24
  So thank you for taking the time to reach out.
• 2:26
  And Hey, if you would like to hear your words on my podcast, send me a message and I'll share it here on the show.
• 2:31
  So you can either email me@marianneatmariannewalker.life, or you can find me on social media and message me there, or as another option.
• 2:38
  I think I'm going to start putting a link in the show notes where you can click and show me some love there, and I can have all of them compiled.
• 2:44
  So thank you for sharing.
• 2:45
  I just so love and appreciate you.
• 2:47
  And also if you feel the desire to rate and review my podcast here on whatever platform it is that you're listening to, I would really appreciate it.
• 2:56
  So today is going to be kind of a little bit of a follow-up to last week.
• 2:59
  Last week, we talked all about values and today we're going to talk about want matches.
• 3:05
  So first I kind of want to talk a little bit about what a want match is.
• 3:09
  Simply put a wand match means that both you and the person that you were in relationship, you want the same thing.
• 3:16
  And when your wants are the same.
• 3:17
  Then you have a want match.
• 3:19
  For example, you both want to be fit and healthy.
• 3:21
  You both use the same language.
• 3:23
  You both have a desire to visit the gym three days a week.
• 3:26
  You both want to travel.
• 3:27
  These are want matches.
• 3:29
  And sometimes these want matches are also value statements like we talked about last week.
• 3:34
  So for example, you both want to prioritize safety and security in relationship.
• 3:38
  You both choose quality over quantity time.
• 3:40
  You both prioritize family time.
• 3:43
  This is a value match and they want match.
• 3:46
  So it's good to know what it is that you were wanting.
• 3:48
  And it's also good to know and acknowledge what the other person does or does not want, and then work towards radically accepting that.
• 3:56
  So, for example, let's say that I am super creating Thai food.
• 3:59
  Like this is something that happens to me pretty often.
• 4:01
  Thai food is kind of my favorite.
• 4:02
  And here in Leavenworth, Kansas, I'm just going to do a shout out for bond tie.
• 4:06
  It's kind of my most favorite place ever.
• 4:08
  When we first moved here 15 years ago.
• 4:10
  Then our furniture hadn't arrived yet.
• 4:13
  And it was my anniversary.
• 4:14
  And so my husband went and picked up some type food for us and we enjoyed it just on a card table in our empty house.
• 4:20
  And it was so good.
• 4:22
  And ever since then, that's kind of been our go-to date night.
• 4:25
  We ordered the exact same thing, which is the pawning Curry with beef and the house sampler.
• 4:30
  And we share it.
• 4:31
  And it's just the most delicious thing ever.
• 4:32
  So I love, love, love Thai food.
• 4:34
  It's kind of my favorite.
• 4:36
  So I might go out to a friend and say, Hey, you want to go out for Thai food?
• 4:39
  And if she also wants to go out for Thai food, then we know that we have a want match.
• 4:44
  But if she has a strong dislike for Thai food, Then I'll know.
• 4:47
  Okay.
• 4:47
  We do not have a walk match and it doesn't matter how much I like Thai food.
• 4:51
  It's not going to change the fact that she doesn't like Thai food and vice versa.
• 4:55
  As much as she dislikes it.
• 4:57
  It's not going to change my love for Thai food.
• 5:00
  And if we remain in relationship hoping that the other person's tastes will change and then resenting them for not changing, then that's when our lack of a watt match becomes a problem.
• 5:10
  But if we're able to accept that we want different things and we're able to respect that mutual autonomy, then we can have peace in relationship free of resentment.
• 5:21
  It's all about letting people be who they're going to be.
• 5:22
  Right.
• 5:23
  And loving them anyway.
• 5:24
  And I get it, like in this example, it's just food, right.
• 5:27
  It sounds kind of silly.
• 5:28
  To argue over food and where to eat.
• 5:31
  Then also mindset matters, you know, resentment builds when wants aren't acknowledged or honored.
• 5:36
  So I love Thai food and I'm in a relationship with someone who can't stand type food.
• 5:41
  Oh, it's all about how I think about it.
• 5:42
  That's going to create that relationship.
• 5:44
  And if this is going to become a problem for us or not, even if it's something as simple as where to go for dinner.
• 5:50
  And really this essentially goes back to episode five on manuals and yes, I will link that in the show notes.
• 5:56
  But essentially we all have an invisible manual that we carry around or list of instructions for other people.
• 6:03
  And this list of instructions is how we think other people should think or act or behave.
• 6:07
  And when they don't measure up to our expectations of them, then we might become really angry or resentful and we might push them to be something different or someone different than who they actually are.
• 6:17
  And this all, because we think that we would be happier if they would just change in order to accommodate us.
• 6:23
  And when they don't change, when they're just being who they're going to be, because that's what people do then that's when we become angry and resentful and reactive, and that just doesn't feel good to either party.
• 6:34
  So, what can we do when there isn't a wallet match, we can choose to act rather than react, emotionally, become aware of your manual and choose to act rather than react.
• 6:44
  So, for example, let's say that you really love going to the movies, but your partner really enjoys watching them from home.
• 6:50
  You could resist this idea and push them into going along with you email.
• 6:54
  They don't want to, and that is an option.
• 6:56
  Right.
• 6:56
  But have you ever really done this before?
• 6:58
  And really, how did that turn out for you?
• 7:01
  I know that there've been times where I have been pressured to do something I didn't actually want to do.
• 7:05
  And I know that that didn't feel very good for me and I can choose to go along and choose to like my reason for doing it.
• 7:10
  Sometimes we do do things that we don't really want to do.
• 7:13
  Because we like our reason for doing it.
• 7:15
  You know, so we'll show up to the thing and love and support, but we need to remind ourselves that yes, I'm choosing to do this on purpose.
• 7:21
  And I'm choosing to like my reason.
• 7:23
  And also I've been on the other side, right.
• 7:25
  There have been times where I have pressured my husband into doing something that he didn't really want to do.
• 7:30
  And when I've done this, I know it right, because yes, he is essentially doing the thing that I asked him to do.
• 7:36
  But then I realized when we get there that not only did I want him to do the thing that I wanted them to do, but I wanted him to like it.
• 7:44
  And the thing is I can't choose what he likes.
• 7:46
  I can't choose what things he does and doesn't like to do.
• 7:48
  Right.
• 7:49
  So I know that for me, I am super into all of the Wu stuff.
• 7:52
  I enjoy going to like the mystic bears and the energy conferences.
• 7:56
  For example, I love looking at all of the books.
• 7:59
  I love visiting the booths.
• 8:00
  I love learning about the science behind different things and seeing what is possible.
• 8:04
  And I really enjoy showing up early and staying for the whole day so I can attend as many classes as possible.
• 8:10
  And I also know that for my husband, This is not his jam.
• 8:14
  So it could force him to go, but then he would be miserable because it's not something he wanted to do.
• 8:20
  And then ultimately I would also be miserable because then I would be there with somebody that didn't actually want to be there.
• 8:26
  And that wouldn't feel very good for me.
• 8:28
  That would be a sign that there was not a want match and that I was trying to force a want match.
• 8:33
  So what if instead, I may be found a friend to go with.
• 8:37
  What if I intentionally sought out somebody that was a match for the mystics fair.
• 8:42
  And then I go and I could be happy that I was with somebody that actually wanted to be there.
• 8:46
  And my husband would be happy because then he wouldn't be feeling forced or coerced into going somewhere where he didn't actually want to go.
• 8:53
  And then I'm able to create a win-win where we're both able to have what we want without resentment.
• 8:59
  And this seems like such a simple concept, but it really can make a world of difference when it comes to our relationships.
• 9:05
  In fact, let's take a moment to apply this to the dating relationship.
• 9:09
  The dating relationship is all about discovering what these want batches are, so that we can kind of gauge compatibility.
• 9:15
  So when you go on a first date, You're essentially asking questions to figure out what it is.
• 9:19
  They want to see if there is a want match.
• 9:22
  So for example, you might ask questions, like what kind of movies do you like?
• 9:26
  Do you like to travel or are you a homebody?
• 9:28
  Are you into sports?
• 9:29
  Yes.
• 9:29
  So which ones and how do you sport?
• 9:32
  Are you somebody that actively plays or you're somebody that watches on TV?
• 9:36
  Do you have season tickets?
• 9:37
  Are you a vegan?
• 9:39
  Do you want children?
• 9:40
  And, uh, so how many.
• 9:41
  Do you prefer the country or the city?
• 9:43
  What kind of music do you like?
• 9:45
  So when we're on a first date, we're really good at just accepting people where they're at.
• 9:49
  And we're good at showing up to see if there's a watch match or not.
• 9:53
  And we're really good at discovering, like, okay, that's something I can work with.
• 9:56
  Or maybe we discover, okay, that is something that's a non-negotiable for me.
• 9:59
  Like, I really desperately need somebody that likes the same kind of music as me or whatever it is.
• 10:04
  Uh, whatever the differences are and just noticing, okay.
• 10:06
  Can I choose this on purpose or do I want to choose something else?
• 10:10
  But oftentimes, you know, this is easier to do in the dating relationship.
• 10:13
  And once we get into an actual relationship, be it romantic or a friendship, then it can be helpful sometimes to just zoom out every now and then and ask very similar questions, just like you're on a first date again.
• 10:25
  And it might seem a little bit silly at first, but it can also be kind of fun.
• 10:29
  So you might ask questions.
• 10:30
  Like if you could travel anywhere, where would you go?
• 10:34
  Or maybe you might ask, what do you like to do for your birthday?
• 10:37
  What do you like to do for Christmas?
• 10:38
  What do you like to do for Thanksgiving?
• 10:40
  Now?
• 10:40
  These are things that would maybe come to assume what they like, but sometimes it's good to just check in and find out, okay.
• 10:46
  Do they like how we have been doing holidays?
• 10:48
  Do they like how we have been doing birthdays?
• 10:50
  Are they wanting something else to just be curious about what things are and are not a want match currently?
• 10:56
  You might also ask questions, like, do you have any interest in attending this painting class with me?
• 11:00
  Or should I invite a friend to come along?
• 11:03
  Or maybe you wanna ask questions like, well, how do you feel about yard work and gardening?
• 11:06
  Is it something you enjoy?
• 11:07
  Does it feel like a chore?
• 11:08
  How can we divide the duties and just come at things from a very neutral place to see where you do and do not have a wallet match?
• 11:16
  Just asking these questions from a place of open, genuine curiosity can really help you to see where it is that you have a won't match and where you don't.
• 11:24
  And if you realize that you don't have a want match, notice what you're making it mean.
• 11:29
  Notice if you're making it mean we never get to do anything that I like.
• 11:33
  Or maybe you're making it mean?
• 11:35
  I don't think that we're compatible anymore.
• 11:37
  Or maybe they're just too different from me.
• 11:42
  Another big thought that I see oftentimes my coaching sessions as well, I guess either I get what I want or they get what they want.
• 11:48
  There's no room for us to both get where we want.
• 11:51
  These kinds of thoughts, draw a line in the sand and it puts each party on an opposite side of that line.
• 11:57
  Intentionally put yourselves on the same side of the line.
• 12:01
  By asking questions from a genuine neutral place.
• 12:04
  Maybe you can come up with a compromise that gets both of your wants met by the other.
• 12:08
  And maybe not, but you won't know unless you try and unless you ask the question, so for this week, be really genuinely curious about your relationships and where you have a won't match and where you don't find somebody that is a want match for that movie that you want to watch find somebody that has a want match for the activity that you want to do, or that place that you want to go.
• 12:29
  And stop pushing people to do things they don't want to do, and just love them where they're at.
• 12:34
  You will be so much happier.
• 12:35
  They will be so much happier.
• 12:37
  It's just so much better when we're able to just neutralize all those things.
• 12:41
  And not attach to the negative, meaning that, well, I guess we're just not compatible anymore.
• 12:45
  And remember if you do notice these resentments showing up for you, it can be a sign that you have a manual that you're running a manual on that relationship.
• 12:53
  Now manuals show up all over the place.
• 12:55
  So yes, I am going to link in the show notes both to my episode on manuals.
• 12:58
  And I also have another episode on holiday manuals.
• 13:01
  'cause it's interesting.
• 13:02
  How around special events or manuals kind of shift and change.
• 13:06
  I was also talking with the coaching friend of mine.
• 13:07
  And I told her I was entertaining the idea of doing an episode on moving manuals because I've realized that for me, I have a lot of manual showing up for me around this move.
• 13:19
  I have a manual for my husband and for my children around my expectations about how we're supposed to work together to make this happen.
• 13:26
  I've also noticed manuals around.
• 13:28
  Uh, friends that I have here on the end, that where I'm leaving and also manuals on the receiving end.
• 13:33
  It is so interesting to see and discover what are expectations around different things, but really bringing those manuals into light so that you can acknowledge for yourself.
• 13:42
  Okay.
• 13:42
  Let's see.
• 13:43
  It looks like I do have a manual here.
• 13:45
  I do have an expectation.
• 13:46
  Which essentially means I do have a want.
• 13:49
  And I'm going to be brave enough to lean into the discomfort of actually making that want known.
• 13:54
  And putting it out there to see if I can find a want match.
• 13:58
  So it can just be really interesting to notice.
• 14:01
  Do I have a manual here and notice your manuals and then articulate what is the want?
• 14:07
  And see if you can find a want match.
• 14:09
  You can do this and Hey, if you would like help come and let me know.
• 14:14
  Slots are filling up quickly for my September schedule.
• 14:16
  So you can contact me online on any of my social media, or you can email me@marianneatmariannewalker.life.
• 14:22
  If you want to have one of my remaining six week packages.
• 14:26
  So I look forward to working with you and I hope you have a great week.