Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / THE "O.N. CONTACT" RULE: Handling a Narcissist When You Can't Walk Away completely 🛡️🤝

Transcript

THE "O.N. CONTACT" RULE: Handling a Narcissist When You Can't Walk Away completely 🛡️🤝 · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  Let's keep it hot and ready with you.
• 0:01
  I see the comments every single day.
• 0:03
  Yeah, I everyday. Lee, I can't go to no contact.
• 0:08
  We have three kids. We have 4 kids.
• 0:10
  We have a business together. Lee.
• 0:11
  Both of our names are on the mortgage.
• 0:14
  Lee, we work together. Look, I hear y'all and I
• 0:18
  literally see y'all hear you and I see you.
• 0:21
  If you are in that situation, like the standard no contact
• 0:24
  device feels like a fantasy. It feels like you being left
• 0:27
  out. Doesn't it feel like every
• 0:28
  they're talking to everybody but you, right?
• 0:31
  Because you can't go no contact. Like today we are dealing with
• 0:34
  reality. Like as a diagnosed narcissist,
• 0:38
  I know that if I can't keep you as a partner, like I'll keep you
• 0:43
  as a hostage through our shared responsibilities.
• 0:46
  I still have access because we got kids, we work together,
• 0:48
  blah, blah, blah. Whatever it is.
• 0:50
  If you can't close the door completely, like you need to
• 0:53
  learn how to install a security gate with a with barbed wires,
• 0:57
  with lasers, with, with a, with a Moat, with alligators and
• 1:02
  crocodiles that hunt that hunt narcissist, right?
• 1:05
  They got, they got the the taste of a narcissist years ago.
• 1:07
  And they just they they hunt narcissist now.
• 1:11
  Yeah, seriously. But we called this the on
• 1:13
  contact, like on contact. Oh, in contact, only necessary
• 1:19
  contact. That's what we're talking about
• 1:21
  today. Y'all, the on contact method,
• 1:22
  like where you can't completely go no contact because again,
• 1:25
  everybody doesn't have the, I guess I don't want to say
• 1:28
  luxury, right? Because you're still healing
• 1:30
  from abuse. But everybody can't go no
• 1:31
  contact because you have certain things that are tying you to
• 1:35
  this person. You know, if you had no ties,
• 1:37
  then you can go no contact, right?
• 1:39
  And some people in these situations, you have third
• 1:41
  parties and whatever the case may be, they can help you go
• 1:44
  into contact. But not everybody has that.
• 1:46
  Some people have been isolated. Some people have been moved
• 1:48
  away, moved across country, whatever it is, right?
• 1:51
  Everybody doesn't have those same luxuries.
• 1:52
  So let's let's be kind, right? Let's be kind and hop right into
• 1:56
  it. Yeah.
• 1:59
  Why the chaos keeps going on like the narcissist go in a lot
• 2:04
  of these situations. Again, it's just access.
• 2:06
  So think about like this as a narcissist, if we share we if we
• 2:10
  share kids or property, I don't view that as a responsibility.
• 2:14
  I view it as an access point as a way to stay in your life as a
• 2:17
  way to to maintain some symbols of control.
• 2:20
  Like it's a back door into your emotions, right?
• 2:24
  Again, This is why sometimes you get a narcissist that that
• 2:27
  dragged you back and forth to court that threatens you about
• 2:31
  taking food. They want to take food.
• 2:33
  They want to go for full custody.
• 2:34
  But then when you go in court settles, right, they don't want
• 2:38
  full custody anymore. They'll they'll they are willing
• 2:40
  to accept, you know, every other weekend, and I tell this to
• 2:43
  people all the time. If you have a person like
• 2:46
  seriously, if you are dealing with a person for whatever
• 2:49
  period of time you're dealing with a person that took you to
• 2:52
  court for full custody and they settled on every other weekend,
• 2:55
  they didn't want full custody ever.
• 2:57
  You see, you have to think about it like this.
• 2:59
  They are not they don't look at the kids responsibility.
• 3:02
  That's why they don't help you. That's why a lot of times you,
• 3:03
  you feel like you're on your own even though they're Co parenting
• 3:06
  right? Like and this, and this is going
• 3:08
  to sound weird, but some narcissists get supplied through
• 3:12
  conflict. That's crazy, ain't it?
• 3:17
  They get supplied through conflict.
• 3:18
  Like let me put myself in here. If I send you a text about the
• 3:23
  kids like it's let's let's say it's if I send you, if I send
• 3:28
  you a text about the kids schedule and it's midnight that
• 3:33
  includes A subtle jab at your parenting.
• 3:35
  Like let's say I text you and you look if I text you at
• 3:39
  midnight about the kids schedule midnight, y'all see already
• 3:43
  violated the boundary, I'm already disrespecting you.
• 3:45
  But in this message I take a jab at your parenting.
• 3:48
  I make it seem like you're not you're not a good mom or you're
• 3:51
  not a good dad. Guess what happens?
• 3:53
  You react. You send me a paragraph about
• 3:56
  how I'm a sorry ass daddy or how how I'm a horrible ass mom, how
• 3:59
  I'm a deadbeat, whatever it is. Guess what, that paragraph got
• 4:04
  me a reaction. They got me narcissistic supply.
• 4:07
  That's my white noise. Look, your pain is their white
• 4:10
  noise machine. Imagine your paragraph they had,
• 4:14
  they have AI read it out and they just dancing to it.
• 4:16
  They're like, oh got you. You see what I'm saying?
• 4:20
  They dancing to your pain, which a lot of narcissists do.
• 4:24
  They prove that they still can mess with your head, right?
• 4:27
  They prove they can mess with your head.
• 4:28
  That's why I said only necessary contact.
• 4:32
  You don't have to respond at 10:00 PM.
• 4:34
  You don't have to respond at midnight.
• 4:35
  You have to respond at 6:00 PM. It's about only necessary
• 4:38
  contact works when you're setting boundaries.
• 4:40
  It has to look it the only way it works.
• 4:44
  If you you have to stay in power.
• 4:46
  It's not a foolproof science, not a foolproof plan, right?
• 4:49
  But this is the only way it works.
• 4:50
  You have to have discipline and strength and you have to control
• 4:54
  your reaction. I'm telling you, it's going to
• 4:55
  be tough, but you have to right? You have to have a with the on
• 4:58
  contact method ON, right? You have to have a mindset
• 5:02
  shift, right? Think about like this.
• 5:04
  You're no longer Co parents or exes.
• 5:07
  Now you're dealing with a hostile business partner running
• 5:11
  running a failing corporation like this way.
• 5:14
  Is it going on you? The failing corporation is
• 5:17
  called our past mistakes Incorporated, right?
• 5:21
  And the narcissist is running that company into the ground
• 5:24
  like you don't like if you were a business party in this
• 5:27
  company, you're not asking the hostile business partner how
• 5:31
  their day was right? You're not doing that.
• 5:34
  You don't have to defend your personal choices to them.
• 5:36
  You don't have to contact them. You don't have to respond to
• 5:39
  them, only necessary contact. It's only necessary whatever
• 5:45
  criteria you set, they have to meet.
• 5:48
  You can have a checklist of your own.
• 5:50
  You don't have to give them this checklist.
• 5:51
  You can have a checklist of your own.
• 5:53
  Like if it's only about, like if you're only responding about the
• 5:55
  kids, it has to have the kids names or reference to them in
• 6:00
  it. If it's not, we're not
• 6:01
  responding how your day been. It's not about the kids.
• 6:08
  We're not responding. You know what I'm saying?
• 6:11
  I miss you. Not about the kids.
• 6:15
  I hate you. Also not about the kids.
• 6:17
  You're a horrible mom. You're a terrible dad.
• 6:19
  You fat, You ugly. Where are my kids names in this?
• 6:22
  They're not about the kids. It's not about the business.
• 6:25
  Only necessary contact. Only necessary responses only
• 6:29
  when necessary. I know you are well, Lee Lee,
• 6:32
  what is necessary? That's for you to determine
• 6:36
  because everybody's situation is going to be different.
• 6:38
  There's no two Co parenting situations that are exactly the
• 6:40
  same. No2 relationships, No2
• 6:43
  relationship dynamics are exactly the same, right?
• 6:46
  That's like is the how like you have your own like I was telling
• 6:49
  a few minutes ago, you can set the criteria of what you are
• 6:52
  going to and not going to respond to.
• 6:55
  You can set the criteria right. Is the house on fire?
• 6:57
  Is the child Look, is the other part like if the kids are with
• 7:01
  the other parent or the business like so whatever.
• 7:04
  Let's use the Co parenting example.
• 7:06
  If the kids are with the other parent and they are texting you
• 7:09
  out of the blue and the message doesn't say anything.
• 7:12
  The kids names are not mentioned.
• 7:13
  Like you go through the message, ask yourself like, is the house
• 7:15
  on fire? Is it are the kids bleeding?
• 7:19
  Is this is the exchange time changing?
• 7:23
  That is necessary stuff. Is the house on fire?
• 7:25
  Are the kids safe? Are they bleeding or they do
• 7:28
  they need help? What's going?
• 7:29
  That's necessary, right? Anything else that's like
• 7:32
  clutter, that's that's fill, that's space filler, that's not
• 7:36
  necessary. Anything else.
• 7:37
  Y'all their opinion on something, their opinion on who
• 7:40
  you're dating, who they're dating, right?
• 7:44
  You can't. Yeah.
• 7:44
  I'm just telling you, I know it's going to be tough, but
• 7:46
  sometimes they want to bait you into asking questions about who
• 7:49
  they're dating. It's not necessary most times.
• 7:52
  Most times, right, It's not necessary unless they're a
• 7:53
  danger to the kids. They got background like they,
• 7:56
  they get that you do something. Sometimes it isn't necessary,
• 7:58
  but really depends on the the you still have to have
• 8:00
  discipline when you're trying to cross those thresholds right
• 8:02
  there. So their opinion on who you're
• 8:05
  dating, their complaints about your tone, they're gaslighting
• 8:09
  about the past, trying to take this is This is why we're not
• 8:12
  together. This is what's going on.
• 8:13
  This is why you're so stupid. This is why you go fat.
• 8:15
  This is why you're so ugly. That's not necessary.
• 8:18
  You have a list of like you can. This is you setting boundaries
• 8:21
  for yourself right here on what you will.
• 8:23
  It won't respond to right. You have to say if it it for for
• 8:28
  a response for it to dignify a response, it has to cross.
• 8:32
  It has to hit a certain hit a certain amount of criteria.
• 8:35
  The criteria is up to you. Is it about the kids?
• 8:38
  Are the kids names mentioned? Is it about the business?
• 8:41
  Is it dire? Is it why the hell you text me?
• 8:44
  That's what I'm saying. What time is it?
• 8:46
  Is it within reasonable hours? Those are things that are
• 8:50
  important to you. Whatever import is important to
• 8:52
  you to help protect your sanity, but help to protect your mental
• 8:54
  health, your physical health sometimes, right?
• 8:57
  That's what's necessary. Only necessary contacts.
• 9:00
  Responding to insults is not necessary.
• 9:02
  I know, look, I know it can feel good on you.
• 9:03
  I know it can feel like, yeah, I know a good clap back and make
• 9:06
  you feel good. But you know what makes them
• 9:09
  feel bad? No response.
• 9:10
  You're ignoring them. That hurts their feelings.
• 9:13
  That takes their power away because they want you to
• 9:15
  respond. They want you to argue back and
• 9:17
  forth and if so, they can just say you overreacting.
• 9:20
  I didn't mean it that way. You took it the wrong way.
• 9:23
  You say no, no, no. That's what it is right here.
• 9:29
  So the protocol is something you set for yourself, like get off
• 9:33
  the phone, get off the phone, get off text messages.
• 9:39
  Everything goes through e-mail. You can funnel it down.
• 9:43
  Only necessary contact means you're only communicating
• 9:46
  through a set determination of platforms or techniques or
• 9:51
  whatever. Right?
• 9:52
  Like there you can find like if you got if you Co parenting
• 9:55
  court monitored parenting apps, our family wizard or something
• 9:58
  like that. Right.
• 9:59
  Parenting apps like WhatsApp. One thing yo, they don't get
• 10:04
  look, they don't only necessary contact.
• 10:06
  They don't get access to every damn form of communication
• 10:09
  possible. They can't you look, they can't
• 10:12
  WhatsApp you Snapchat you discord message you.
• 10:15
  They can't text message you. They can't What it what's what's
• 10:19
  other thing called? I forgot what it's called, but
• 10:24
  like they can't Instagram messages in Facebook DMU send
• 10:27
  you a message on TikTok. They can't do you say YouTube
• 10:31
  monitor you? They can't do that e-mail or
• 10:34
  whatever e-mail. That's what it's called a
• 10:37
  Periscope. I think it's called Periscope.
• 10:38
  Whatever it is, right? Nothing.
• 10:40
  You funnel it down to one or two forms of communication because
• 10:43
  sometimes you want sometimes you want to have a backup, right?
• 10:45
  But funnel it down. They can't have access to call
• 10:47
  you either. You see what I'm saying?
• 10:49
  FaceTime all this zoom. No, no, no, no, not for you.
• 10:53
  Sometimes they court order for the kids, but not for you.
• 10:55
  Only necessary and how you want it.
• 10:58
  You know what I mean? Only necessary contact like you
• 11:02
  want to do that? Like what?
• 11:03
  Leave Why we want to do that? Because narcissists hate the
• 11:07
  reason you want to put it in somewhere you can like read it
• 11:09
  and keep keep documentation of it.
• 11:11
  Narcissists hate that. They hate when you have proof of
• 11:13
  what they say. They hate being monitored all
• 11:15
  the time. They want to be half control.
• 11:16
  So that's why they'll call you. They don't think you're
• 11:19
  recording a call. They'll FaceTime you.
• 11:20
  They'll zoom you. They don't think you're
• 11:22
  recording it right. Like narcissists, like we thrive
• 11:26
  in the he said, she said the Gray area of like, say you see
• 11:29
  what I'm saying? Only necessary contact funnel
• 11:32
  down forces them into a black and white situation where
• 11:35
  everything is monitored. There's no misinterpretations
• 11:37
  here. Only necessary contact one way,
• 11:40
  my way or the highway, you either my way or we don't get to
• 11:43
  talk way. There it goes right there y'all.
• 11:46
  Only necessary contact forces that right there ON contact.
• 11:50
  If you can't do no contact, you go ON contact.
• 11:52
  Only necessary contact like and also when you're responding to
• 11:56
  them, when you do decide when something fits the criteria to
• 11:59
  respond. You got to be boring, y'all.
• 12:01
  Only necessary contact can be combined with the BIFF with the
• 12:04
  BIFF technique, right? You can combine only necessary
• 12:07
  contact. I'm only going to respond to
• 12:08
  this with BIFF. Y'all hear me talk about BIFF
• 12:10
  before Brief, informative, friendly, and firm, right?
• 12:15
  Your response should look like a robot to them.
• 12:18
  Like if they send you a message that says something like you're
• 12:21
  a terrible mother or terrible father for letting my baby stay
• 12:24
  up late. I can't believe you're doing
• 12:26
  this again. You, you don't even have to
• 12:29
  respond to it, right? If it doesn't cross the
• 12:32
  threshold, you don't have to respond to it, right?
• 12:34
  Or if you have to respond to it because it's about to like,
• 12:37
  let's say the message goes on and says you're a terrible
• 12:40
  mother, terrible father. I need you to be there at 5:00.
• 12:45
  Not a second later, you can just say message received.
• 12:49
  I will drop him or drop them off at 5:00 as agreed.
• 12:52
  You ignored the whole, you ignored all the other stuff,
• 12:55
  which is going to piss them off, which is going to ignore them.
• 12:57
  But it's only necessary, only necessary contact plus the BIFF
• 13:00
  method right now if they didn't put a drop off time or anything
• 13:04
  like that about the kids, you don't have to write anything,
• 13:06
  but you don't have to respond to them, right?
• 13:09
  You can just say I'll be there at 5:00, You know, if they're
• 13:12
  supposed to get the kids today or whatever the case may be, it
• 13:15
  has to be about the kids. It has to be direct, right?
• 13:17
  You see the difference in that situation, No defense, no
• 13:20
  emotion, just logistics. You just was logistical.
• 13:22
  You were robotic to them. It stars them of that
• 13:25
  narcissistic supply. It stars them of that fuel that
• 13:27
  they're looking for. They want to be fueled, fueled
• 13:32
  by you right now, when you do this now, a narcissist could
• 13:36
  lose their mind, right? When you do it like this
• 13:39
  narcissist could lose their mind.
• 13:40
  Y'all here I did a video go back to watch about the extinction
• 13:43
  burst. When you start doing no contact.
• 13:45
  I mean you start doing on contact.
• 13:47
  Oh in contact right? They're going to lose their damn
• 13:49
  minds. They will escalate.
• 13:51
  They will get angry because you're being robotic to them.
• 13:54
  They'll call you stupid. They'll get they'll they'll show
• 13:56
  up late to the drop off. They'll try to make your life
• 13:58
  harder. They will do this.
• 14:00
  They will try harder to evoke you because they they're like
• 14:03
  their supply line, the narcissistic, the narcissistic
• 14:06
  supply line to you just got cut off and they know it.
• 14:09
  They know the access is cut down or cut out.
• 14:11
  Cut down as much as it can be. Do not take the bait.
• 14:14
  Don't give them the reaction that they're looking for.
• 14:16
  Their escalation is proof that the method is working.
• 14:19
  It really is like hold the line until they've realized the old
• 14:23
  tricks don't work anymore. They might try some new tricks,
• 14:26
  but you guys still be ready, still use on contact parrot with
• 14:29
  the biff method Gray rocking, whatever it is like if you live
• 14:32
  with this person Gray rocking on on contact only necessary
• 14:36
  contact about bills. If you work with the person only
• 14:38
  necessary contact about work. You can still set the criteria.
• 14:42
  Doesn't have to be about Co parenting.
• 14:43
  If this is your friend or your mom or your dad, only necessary
• 14:46
  contact, whatever you want to respond to, just do the BIFF
• 14:50
  method. You see, that's how it works
• 14:52
  right there. This now on contact is not an
• 14:54
  easy thing. I know you wish you can go no
• 14:57
  contact you can flip. I know you wish you could flip
• 14:58
  them letters around and go no contact, but on contact can work
• 15:01
  for you. It's not an easy thing to do,
• 15:02
  but it's definitely possible. It's going to be miserable
• 15:05
  having to deal with a monster or a narcissistic bastard for 18
• 15:09
  years or whatever, right? Because you had children with
• 15:11
  them or you work with them, have a business with them, right?
• 15:13
  How many or you work with them, whatever the case may be, it's
• 15:15
  going to be miserable. But you can do it.
• 15:17
  On contact helps protect your peace.
• 15:19
  It helps protect your mental health, your sanity and whatnot,
• 15:22
  right? Because you're forced to deal
• 15:24
  with them and be in the trench with them doesn't mean you have
• 15:25
  to be miserable, completely miserable the whole time.
• 15:28
  You can protect your peace now if you're going to if you have
• 15:31
  to use the on contact method, drop an old drop a light bulb in
• 15:35
  the comment section, drop a light bulb in the comment
• 15:36
  section. Let me know you.
• 15:37
  This video helps you. If you want to do a one-on-one,
• 15:40
  make sure you check my or one-on-one or take my one of my
• 15:43
  courses. You can check those out at
• 15:44
  mentalillness.net is LinkedIn. The description of every video
• 15:47
  and podcast. I do hit the subscribe button
• 15:49
  and it's always, it's always y'all mental this peace.