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Boundaries: With friends · The Living Freed Podcast

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Hey y 'all, I'm Hannah Liz, a coastal living,
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Jesus living, NC native, and this is the Living
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Free Podcast. Where we discuss intentionally
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living our lives to the fullest that God has
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intended, having those late night open heart
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friend combos, not letting others, ourselves,
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or ideas hold us down, allowing Jesus to free
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us of the chains that we didn't know we were
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holding onto. You can see the full show notes
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attached to this episode, and if you loved this
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episode, please leave me a review. This is your
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weekly update segment of this episode where I
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catch you up on what's been going on in my life
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This week y 'all we me my roommate as in we we
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went out to Charlotte went to the mega Moroni
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concert and let me tell y 'all She was amazing
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life like absolutely amazing life a wonderful
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performer. I love every glittery outfit I would
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love to be mega Moroni when I grow up Literally
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was like, how can I become Megan Moroney the
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whole time I was there and every song hits it
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hits so hard I loved it Yeah Okay, um, if there's
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anything else I'm trying to think I don't think
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I have any other updates except for I went to
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Charlotte and now I'm exhausted Oh, we did stop
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at this little spot on the way home called peaches
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and cream and it's like a little tiny farmers
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market that's also an ice cream shop and It was
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amazing. It was delicious. Was it as good as
1:44
my favorite little sunny skies? No, but it's
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definitely a close second. I really enjoyed it
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and I've been thinking about it ever since. And
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they had the cutest little spot to take pictures
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and you could tell it was definitely more like
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a locals joint, but such a vibe. So cute and
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all the grandparents were there with their grandkids
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and I just loved it. It was so freaking cute.
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Okay, what is in? gosh what's in is honestly
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i am very big on living real and authentically
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and i had some not great news shared with me
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and so it has disrupted how i've been living
2:25
especially the last few days so what has been
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in is extra bible time and extra prayer time
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uh because it's not my life that was shared with
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me and I don't get to share talk about it right
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now and it's hard. It's weighing on me. So what's
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in is extra Jesus time. And what is out is uh
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honestly uh me minding my business. Apparently
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that's out. I asked too many questions and I
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got answers I was not wanting to was not looking
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for did not want. So what is out is me minding
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my business for now and yeah anyways That was
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really heavy all of a sudden. So sorry about
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that. But I don't really have anything else that's
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in or out for you. I did get some new dresses
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in and they're really cute on a positive note.
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I don't know. I don't have anything like super
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upbeat right now because this is life and this
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is what life looks like, right y 'all? So anyways,
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what is also in is calling your best friend and
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asking for advice. That's really big. And leaning
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on other girls who love Jesus. I really appreciate
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having women in my life who also love Jesus authentically.
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and not in a performative way um and yeah so
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being able to have real raw conversations with
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them especially when something this hard has
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hit into my life um and it's again business that
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i don't get to share because it's not my own
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anyways we're gonna go ahead and dive into today's
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episode All right, all right, all right. This
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week we are talking about boundaries with friends.
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Are you ready? Because I sure am. I know. So
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we did part one, which was boundaries and foundations.
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This week it's boundaries with friends. And then
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the next week we'll have a super fun conversation
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about boundaries with family. But let's talk
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about our friends. Setting boundaries with friends
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can be easy if you're at the beginning of a friendship.
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You both are feeling out the vibes and it's easier
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to say, I go to bed at 10pm so I don't respond
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to texts, sorry, or bringing up a conversation
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like, ugh, I hate it when people say x -y -z
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to me. But bro, it is hard to set boundaries
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in existing friendships. Like, it can hurt people's
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feelings or throw the vibes completely off. When
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you have a new friend, you can navigate the conversations
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you do or don't want to have. You get to let
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each other know what you do or don't like. If
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you're a caller, text person, a planner, or a
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last minute type of girl, sometimes there are
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things about our past that we would rather forget
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and since they don't know the lore, they don't
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even know to bring it up and it can be easier
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to share your hopes and dreams with a new friend.
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Pre -existing friendships are something else
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though. As we change and grow, they can struggle
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to accept it. Sometimes they meet you in a short
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phase and you've completely changed since then.
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Maybe you used to be a text all day kind of girl
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and now you're a phone call girly. Maybe they're
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used to their own world and never paid attention
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to you and your wants and your needs and you
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just learned to be okay with it. I have story
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after story of people struggling with my boundaries
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and you're about to hear some of them, so buckle
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up. In the previous episode, I told you about
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the running late roommate and how at the time,
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I was an on time type of girl. What I didn't
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tell you is eventually I got tired of waiting
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on her, especially when I made it clear my intentions
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were to leave at a certain time. And I did tell
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her I would leave without her. And you know what?
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One day, the clock struck 12 and I started to
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pull out of the driveway. She came running out
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of the house, down the driveway for me. I stopped
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the car, she jumped in and said, I didn't know
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you were serious. I said, now you do. Okay, so
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was I scared she'd be mad at me for leaving her
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if she hadn't come out on time? Um, yes. Definitely.
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But those are her emotions and feelings, not
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mine, and I'm not responsible for them. But I
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also had a right to be upset with her if she
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was late, but it was on me for waiting on her.
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Next story. I had a friend, now an ex -friend,
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who decided who I was. She'd announce it to anyone
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and everyone that I was a loud, fun party girl.
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That I knew how to get down and get messy. That
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every man wanted me. I was very far from this.
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But I allowed her to live in this world of who
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I was in her mind and never corrected her. Ugh,
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I wish I had. Yes, I was at the bars, having
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a drink and dancing, but I was never drunk. I
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wasn't making out with strangers. At that time.
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And the guys I was talking to were people I knew
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pretty well and they definitely were not into
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me. Things progressed with this friend. She'd
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stalk my location and show up at my dad's house,
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uninvited, at 2am when I'd just flown home from
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California. She'd hit on the guys I was interested
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in and continued to announce what a fun party
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girl I was. Meanwhile, I'm living the quiet life
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with my dog working at a non -profit and managing
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a lash studio. Y 'all, this girl got married
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and I was invited to the wedding. Leading up
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to this, time and time again, I tried to set
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boundaries and reset expectations, but she could
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not get on board. At her wedding, she continued
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to make a big deal of who she thought I was and
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was so upset I wouldn't show up as the fun party
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girl she thought I was and how she wanted me
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to be at her wedding. And she tried to set me
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up with a 50 year old man because quote unquote
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he has money. Uh, gross. And then after that,
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she threw man after man at me. And as I turned
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each one down, she got mad at me. Here's a little
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thing about me. When I've had an awkward night,
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especially with men, I love to put it on my private
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Snapchat story and tell my closest friends and
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family the horrors of my encounters. So that's
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exactly what I did. Well, guess what? She saw
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it. Why she was watching my Snapchat stories
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on her wedding night? I have no idea, but she
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sent me a text saying, glad to know you had such
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a terrible time at my wedding. And I said, I
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did, and it's because you had no respect for
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my boundaries. I was not about to let her make
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me feel bad about my boundaries being crossed,
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being made to look like something I'm not and
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my feelings being hurt. My feelings were valid.
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Did I have to remind myself that a couple hundred
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times? Yes, but they were valid nonetheless.
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Now, you might think she didn't know she was
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crossing boundaries, but y 'all, at one point
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in the night, she looked at me and said, I can
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see you're uncomfortable and I'm loving it. Yeah,
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that did it for me. I was just waiting to leave
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at that point. After all that and years and years
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of trying to quietly correct her and her opinion
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of who I am, I gave up. I unfollowed on social
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media and never talked to her again. Yes, we
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had years of friendship under our belt. But when
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you end a friendship like that, you're creating
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space for a healthy new one. Okay, next. I have
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a friend. We've only been friends for a couple
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years, and we've gotten to be pretty good friends.
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And just like most friendships, we go through
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phases where we spend a lot of time together
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and then no time together. One night, she called
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me out in front of a small group in a joking
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way. The joke made me sad and feel insecure,
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which is not how a friend should make you feel.
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So when the group ended and everyone left I sent
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her a text asking if she was open to feedback
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as a friend She said yes, and I let her know
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how the joke made me feel she apologized not
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right away But a day or two later and let me
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know she wouldn't do it again a few months later
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I said something that upset her and she shared
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the same feedback to me Because of this we're
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able to be friends and have a healthy friendship
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We know what the other one's expectations of
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us are, and we don't overstep each other's boundaries
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by our words. Did I feel weird and worried to
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reach out and share with her the joke had hurt
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my feelings? Yes, absolutely. But I could have
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not said anything and left space for her to keep
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saying it, or I could deal with it head on and
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let her decide what type of friend she wanted
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to be to me and vice versa. I also have a bestie
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here in Wilmington. She didn't know me before
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I moved here. And there are things I just never
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think to bring up about my past. I remember sitting
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in her apartment and something came up about
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an ex. I don't remember how it came up on my
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end, but she looked at me and said, yes, I've
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been waiting for you to bring this up. And I
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said, what, you knew? She said, yeah, your brother
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told me last time we were in Raleigh and I didn't
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want to overstep by asking, but WTF, you were
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engaged? I was like, yeah, lol, here's the tea.
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I appreciated that so much, she waited for me
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to bring it up, not making it a part of my identity.
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Having the conversation and then being done,
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not dwelling on it or making a huge deal out
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of it, because she could tell that I didn't want
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to and she respected that as my friend. So after
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all these stories and how I've had friends cross
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boundaries and respect boundaries, let's look
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at what the Bible says about friendships and
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what they should look like. Therefore, encourage
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one another and build up one another just as
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you are doing. Hang out with friends that encourage
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you and build you up. Don't hang out with people
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that tell anyone that will listen that you're
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a party girl if it's not true to your character
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just because it seems like an accomplishment
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to them. Romans 12, 10 says, love one another
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with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in
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showing honor. Have friends that respect the
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lines you put in place, that don't push them
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or question them, but accept them and that they
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are there. Colossians 3 .13 says, bear with each
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other and forgive one another if any of you have
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grievances against someone. Forgive as the Lord
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forgave you. To have a healthy boundary, you
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should be able to talk with each other about
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the things that offend or hurt you. Forgive and
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move on. It shouldn't be something that just
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has to be accepted and ignored. Ecclesiastes
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4 10 says, If either of them falls down, one
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can help the other up, but pity anyone who falls
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and has no one to help them up. This goes back
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to having friends that want to see you grow and
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change for the better, will hold your hand and
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pull you up when needed. Proverbs 17 9 says,
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whoever would foster love covers over an offense,
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but whoever repeats the matter separates close
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friends. We're talking about those who don't
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respect your boundaries. The ones that say okay
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and act like they understood, but continue to
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try and push or cross those lines you've set.
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From this point, I'm going to cite Henry Cloud's
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book on boundaries. He talks about four different
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types of friends and the comments that cause
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the lack of boundaries in those friendships.
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We won't dive too deep into this book, but I
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100 % recommend reading it for yourself if you
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find you need more guidance on having healthy
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friendships. The first friendship he talks about
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is the complacent -complacent friendship. These
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are the friendships where you both don't get
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too deep in what you like or dislike, and you
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each just want to make the other happy. You both
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can find yourselves being too nice and not honest
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enough, so you end up often doing things you
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don't enjoy or eating places you don't like for
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the sake of thinking you're making the other
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happy. The second friendship is complacent -aggressive
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-controller. In this friendship, you see the
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aggressive controller being annoyed that the
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complacent friend can't seem to make any choices
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for themselves or find out that the complacent
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friend didn't love the choice that the aggressive
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controller made, but didn't want to make them
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stressed or mad in the moment so they never spoke
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up. Often the complacent friend doesn't speak
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up and hopes to make life easy and be go with
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the flow, but the aggressive controller tends
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to be frustrated by this. I personally often
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find myself in complacent aggressive controller
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friendships. Me being the aggressive controller.
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I end up with friends that want to just people
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please and make me happy and go with the flow
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and when I ask them a decision or give them choices
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they say I'll do whatever you want to do. Sometimes
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I make a million choices a day especially as
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a hairstylist with clients. Sometimes if I'm
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asking you a question of where you want to eat
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or what you want to do, I'm genuinely curious
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because I want to be go with the flow. I don't
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want to have to make choices for everybody all
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the time. Or sometimes I truly don't know if
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I want to eat Mexican or have pizza that night
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and I really want you to choose which one you're
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craving. And if we choose pizza and you never
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spoke up and you were really craving a taco,
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I feel like I let you down and I get frustrated.
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But at the same time, I've definitely been part
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of the complacent -complacent friendship where
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we're both just trying to people please and make
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each other happy. Okay, friendship number three,
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complacent -manipulative controller. Oh boy,
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I have had people try to be the manipulative
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controller with me. In this friendship, the manipulative
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controller preys on the feelings of the complacent
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and bets on the complacent not only just being
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a people pleaser, but also that they would want
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to make the manipulative controller happy. The
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manipulator will tell them how badly they've
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been hurt or need them and that life isn't fair
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unless the complacent does whatever the manipulator
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needs to restore the balance and make life good
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again, to keep life peaceful. And four, the complacent
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non -responsive. I also have been prone towards
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being a non -responsive. The complacent friend
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yearns for friendship and feels that they often
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have to do all the work to keep the friendship
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going. The non -responsive is just that. They
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don't plan, they don't call, and they rarely
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respond. The complacent feels depressed, anxious,
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unimportant. Meanwhile, the non -responsive may
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feel overwhelmed by their friend's needs. My
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attachment style is dismissive -avoidant, so
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I feel really overwhelmed by my friend's needs
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sometimes. So Dr. Henry Cloud says we need to
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ask these questions when deciding 1. Which side
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of the friendship we are on and 2. What those
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boundaries might be that need to be set or enforced.
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Okay, what are the symptoms? Do you feel like
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you allowed something you shouldn't have? Do
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you feel controlled and resent it or pretty happy
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about the outcome, but you hate being pestered
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to make choices? Does your friendship feel like
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it's being taken for granted? Maybe you feel
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depressed for being neglected or you feel overwhelmed.
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What is the boundary conflict? Did you allow
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something to keep the peace? Struggle to set
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clear limits? Or maybe you struggle to see your
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friend's passive, supposedly clear limits. Maybe
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you come running every time you feel needed or
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that you owe them for their friendship. Lastly,
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do you take too much responsibility for the friendship?
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Or maybe not enough. Based on those answers,
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what do you need? Maybe you need to not come
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running every time you're called. Let that friend
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know that you actually hate that restaurant they
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keep dragging you to. Or maybe that you've been
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misread and you have no desire to go camping.
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Question number four, who needs to take ownership?
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You can never make someone else take ownership
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who isn't open to it in the first place, but
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you can set clear boundaries so that they can
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be held accountable in the future. Number five,
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what does putting those boundaries into practice
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look like? We've already talked a little bit
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about this and it comes down to you doing the
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work. Boundaries look different for each person,
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and can change from friendship to friendship,
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or with time. You don't have to be clear with
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what all your boundaries are from the get -go.
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Just like most of us, you will learn new boundaries
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based off of experiences. Boundaries aren't selfish,
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they aren't mean, they aren't harmful to others.
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Boundaries allow you to live a clear life, a
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safer life, and feel respected. We can't make
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people like us, respect us, and they are not
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responsible for how we feel, but we can set boundaries.
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Boundaries allow us to see who is safe emotionally
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or physically. They allow us to see who our real
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friends are and who's just using you. Boundaries
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let you grow and accept emotional responsibility
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for yourself and no one else's. Boundaries take
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away the heavy weight and set you free from wanting
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to make everyone happy or having to make all
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the decisions. feeling emotionally controlled
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or overwhelmed. Imagine a life where you don't
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sit in your car frustrated while waiting on that
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one friend who is always late while you think
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of all the other things you could be doing or
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feeling that your time isn't respected. How you
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might feel not being so easily emotionally controlled
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by those you're supposed to trust because they're
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your friends and their opinion matters to you
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or they clearly want their opinion to matter.
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Think how it might feel to have friends that
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give you space and respect the things you want
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to keep private, that don't try to emotionally
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manipulate you, that you can openly tell them
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you aren't interested in an activity and you
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know they won't be upset with you, and that you'll
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do something else or hang out another time. How
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good might that feel? And might I say freeing?
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Okay, we're gonna pray, but if you wanna hear
19:24
the tea going on behind all those stories with
19:27
the boundaries, especially the wedding one, I
19:30
will happily spill at the end of this episode.
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Let's pray. Dear Jesus, thank you for giving
19:36
us your manual on boundaries. Thank you for the
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verses of wisdom that are spoken into us and
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what to look for in healthy friendships. As asked
19:45
that you give us encouragement to set boundaries,
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that you'll give us strength to hold firm to
19:50
those boundaries, and that you'll give us wisdom
19:52
on what those boundaries should be, and how to
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make friends that will respect those boundaries.
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I thank you for this opportunity to have healthier
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friendships, and this opportunity to seek you
20:03
through this, and that we can be set free from
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harmful friendships, from friends that speak
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negatively into our life, from friends who decide
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who we are, that we get to be set free from people
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who... who don't respect our time and we don't
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feel respected by, that we get to be set free
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from people who want to control us emotionally
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because it gives them a power. Thank you for
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giving us biblical boundaries to have set that
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you have set so that we can live more freely
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in the world that we are living in today. And
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in your name, Jesus' name, amen. Ok guys, so
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you're here for the tea sesh. Ok, I think I paused
20:52
this. Hopefully you can hear me alright. So the
20:55
girl who got married, there was a lot that led
20:57
up to that wedding. First off, let me just tell
20:59
you about the wedding. I let her pick out what
21:01
I was going to wear. She put me in my black skims
21:04
dress in like 6 inch heels and it was backless
21:07
and I swear I looked like a hooker. Ok? First
21:10
off. Secondly, she purposely told this old man
21:14
about me and set him at the head table with us
21:17
because I was part of the bridal group. And I
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had no idea who he was. He genuinely wouldn't
21:23
leave me alone. He knew that we were being set
21:25
up and I did not. Okay, so imagine you have a
21:30
bubbly 27 year old right next to you who's a
21:33
super extroverted girl, just chit chatting, and
21:36
you've been told that you guys are being set
21:37
up. So you probably assume she's been told. Well,
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guess what? She wasn't told. She was told nothing.
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So I understand why he thinks I was interested.
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But then later that night, another man comes
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up to me that was not my type. At all possibly
21:52
ever and low -key wasn't that nice which personality
21:55
has a lot to do with it, too And people were
21:58
like, oh he's gay. Oh, he's gay And then somebody
22:00
else came up to me and was like yo like watch
22:02
your back watch your drinks Make sure he doesn't
22:03
roof you and then he was telling everybody he
22:05
was coming home with me that night like sir No,
22:08
you're definitely not You're definitely not so
22:11
yeah, I felt like I had a right to tell my story
22:13
because I thought the whole event was funny um
22:17
Also, I got her and the whole wedding party,
22:20
and the whole wedding honestly after the reception,
22:23
into my friend's bar for free, and most bars
22:26
in Wilmington don't let you bring in your own
22:27
photographer, and he allowed them to bring in
22:29
their own photographer to take pictures of everybody
22:31
there having a good time. So I did the hard,
22:34
heavy work for that. Before that, before this
22:38
wedding, before she met her husband, I had been
22:41
seeing this guy super casually. That my brother
22:44
actually asked me not to see and I was hanging
22:46
out with him anyways, and she was like oh my
22:48
gosh This guy's in love with you. Oh my gosh.
22:49
This guy's in love with you, and I was like no
22:50
He's really not I think we're just chillin blah
22:52
blah blah blah blah well fast forward He's the
22:55
last person I see before I move out of North
22:57
Carolina. I moved to California a week later
23:00
She calls me, and she's like hey. I have to tell
23:02
you something. I was like what's up. She goes
23:04
um Well, we were at the bar and we both were
23:07
just so sad over you being gone and we got drunk
23:10
and we ended up making out I was like Oh, the
23:14
guy I just ended things with? Okay, alright.
23:18
She said, are you mad? I was like, I guess I
23:20
can't really be like, I'm across the country
23:21
and I ended things. Well, fast forward, they
23:24
end up hooking up. He tells her not to tell me.
23:26
She tells me. Then they start dating. Then they
23:30
break up and they both come to me for emotional
23:32
support when they decided to date and then they
23:35
decide to break up. Sorry, I'm not your emotional
23:38
support. Before that, there was other guys that
23:41
I'd be interested in. that i had also no business
23:43
being interested in because i did not love jesus
23:46
and she'd be like trying to hit on them the whole
23:48
time in front of me like no that's not cool i
23:51
don't know who would do that so That is just
23:55
the tea on that. Like I really don't know why
23:57
I was picking these friends at this time and
23:59
now they're shocked when I don't want to be friends
24:02
with them. You did not treat me well from the
24:04
get -go. You over blew up who you thought I was
24:07
in your mind. You wouldn't acknowledge me when
24:09
I told you that's not who I am. You insisted
24:11
on pretending I was somebody else and this is
24:15
where we are. Like I would meet her friends and
24:17
she'd be like, yeah, this is Hannah Liz. She's
24:18
a party girl. She's this, she's that. No, I'm
24:20
genuinely not. I'm a hand me my Kindle. Let me
24:23
read my book. Maybe have a glass of wine lay
24:26
out in the sunshine type of girl I am NOT a party
24:29
girl. Why you keep telling everybody this? I
24:31
don't know I've only made out with a few strangers
24:33
and my whole life in the bars ever ever Just
24:36
a handful and to be honest most of us have done
24:39
that in our life. That's not a crazy thing Okay,
24:43
so that's that The other friendships, I mean,
24:50
there's plenty of friendships that I could spill
24:51
tea on that did not respect my boundaries or
24:54
hooked up with somebody I was gonna see or was
24:57
talking to or whatever, but that's just the one
24:59
being told in this story at this time. I will
25:03
say actually, I'll save that for another podcast,
25:07
another episode about being friends with bad
25:09
people. We don't need to be friends with bad
25:11
people. That's all I'm gonna say, but I will
25:13
have more tea later. Anyways, choose your friends
25:16
carefully. They don't respect your boundaries
25:18
and you've set them time and time again. Don't
25:21
be scared to make people mad because they clearly
25:23
don't care about your feelings. And this isn't
25:26
a they they're rude to me. I should be rude back.
25:28
This is just saying if they don't respect your
25:30
feelings, you need to move on. Do not worry about
25:34
hurting their feelings by ending the friendship,
25:36
especially if you've tried and tried and tried
25:38
again. Okay, that's all I have to say. I hope
25:42
you've enjoyed this podcast. I really hope you
25:44
got something out of it and you feel encouraged
25:46
and strengthened. Um, yeah. Okay. Bye. Let's
25:58
get connected on Instagram at Hannah Liz D or
26:00
email me at livingfreepod at gmail .com. If you're
26:04
loving the podcast, I'd be so honored if you
26:06
go ahead and hit that subscribe button and leave
26:09
me a review. And if you have feedback or a subject
26:12
you'd like me to cover, please email me or DM
26:15
me on Instagram. Again, thank you so much for
26:17
listening. I hope you feel encouraged and lighter
26:19
today. Bye y 'all. you