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Jokes and Boundaries: How to Respond to Hurtful 'It’s Just a Joke’ Comments · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
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  SPEAKER_01: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Through these small bites of self-visation and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to say thank you for taking some time out of your day to spend here with me and taking that time to tune into this episode.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: So today I want to talk about teasing, mockery, and sarcasm.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: This actually came up in a recent client conversation and it really got me thinking and it felt like it was appropriate to bring this up because I do believe that there are many different relationships where one person is receiving the statement, it was just a joke.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it really was just a joke.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes when there is a habit of saying things in a certain way, that it's just a joke is actually on the verge of toxicity.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because what that does is it almost diminishes the person on the receiving end, it diminishes how they're feeling about the situation and or makes them interpret it as though they're overly sensitive.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And what we know about the moments of of thinking that you're being overly sensitive, that is the doorway to gaslighting, to self-gaslighting.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: So I I want to just kind of dive into what we mean by mockery and teasing and sarcasm.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: So to be clear, mockery and teasing are different.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: They're different forms of humor.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so we need to understand the difference.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Mockery is often often hurtful.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: This can be unintentionally or or intentionally, but it involves making fun of somebody.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: And it typically involves taking maybe some of their so a person's quirks or a perceived flaw or an action that they've taken, and it and it really almost amplifies it, but in a slightly demeaning way, or sometimes in an overtly demeaning way.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Teasing, on the other hand, tends to be looked at as more playful and lighter.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's generally, you know, what happens between friends, it can happen between partners.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um it's it's when we're really comfortable with each other.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And teasing almost comes from a place of camar camaraderie.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: It almost comes from that place of just laughing and poking fun at maybe a shared experience or how somebody handled a shared experience.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then, of course, there's this other element of sarcasm.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I have definitely been one to own the fact that I have a sarcastic sense of humor.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: And sarcasm is like that, the best way that I can describe it is like um a sharp-witted type of way of humor, right?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: So that you're kind of it's a type of humor that kind of relies on irony or um just kind of I don't know, sometimes saying the opposite of what you mean.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: But however, sarcasm also, if it's not used appropriately, it too can can maybe cut in an incorrect way or an inappropriate way.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: However, if it's used in that still a playful manner, sarcasm can actually add a little bit to the conversation.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: But again, if it if it's used in that that way that that kind of digs at somebody rather than a thing or an experience, that can be hurtful.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: So really in relationships, when we're dealing with things like sarcasm, mockery, and teasing, we have to navigate these lines between when we're being humorous and when it's somewhat hurtful.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: And the the thing that we have to look at is, and this is this is something that I've said often, is that usually with teasing, all parties are kind of on board, right?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: We and there's and there's mutual laughter and there's mutual perhaps banter, and nobody's really feeling pressured through it.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: However, when that context shifts into more of um more of a situation where one like the person receiving or is on the receiving end of the mockery is no longer laughing, that's a clear indication that a line may have been crossed.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: And so knowing, you know, who you're with, knowing uh and getting a feel for the people that you're with and and and how humor can be used, whether teasing is appropriate.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there are times I know that I personally recognize that my sarcastic sense of humor would not be appropriate with certain individuals, and so I back off on that.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so being being somewhat empathetic, being in tune with the people that you're with obviously plays a role.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: And and being able to put perhaps put yourself in someone else's shoes, if you were on that receiving end, how might you perceive it based on how you're saying it?
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so when we I I definitely suggest this in terms of sarcasm as well.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: I think tone plays a huge part in sarcasm as well as timing.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because again, if if if the tone is of of a certain nature, you know, that can can take sarcasm to to cross that line.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: And and I recognize, you know, and I say this all the time, is that ultimately we are not responsible for how somebody feels, unless, of course, we're intentionally walking into it and trying to be hurtful or mean.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: However, when we are looking at things like mockery, especially, that is really uh when even if it's not known like it's an unintentional, it with mockery, we're really digging at somebody, and that that can actually push the envelope or push you over that line, and it can really be hurtful.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, if you notice or somebody brings to your attention that what you said was not hurt was not um playful, it was received in a hurtful way, or that they didn't appreciate the humor that you were using, coming from a place of empathy and sincerity in the apology is absolutely necessary.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, recognizing that m maybe you were really just playing, and it's not about blame, it's recognizing that the other person is saying that their feelings were hurt and asking yourself, do am I at least a sorry for you know the fact that I chose words that didn't land appropriately, and I can take responsibility for the words that I said and how I said them.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um when we're in dynamics where we share with somebody that that something was hurtful or it didn't land right well, and the response is more like I was just joking, or uh don't be so sensitive, those are indications that the person really isn't uh either aware or open to the fact that you're sharing with them that the the way that they spoke d was not something that felt good or right for you.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: So again, when we're talking about things like teasing, and I know that um recently I'd even had put out there that there's a difference between teasing and mockery, and somebody had shared with me that, you know, I really actually don't mind it when my partner teases me, which makes total sense, right?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because again, teasing is about it's playful, both parties are laughing, it's it's fun, but mockery again almost takes stabs at an individual person, and it can be really hurtful.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: And when it goes too far, that that hurt can run deep.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: If you are wanting to talk more about this topic or anything else that you feel like coaching could potentially help you move forward in terms of your own personal or professional life, maybe you're feeling stuck or stagnant in certain areas of your life and and you want to just explore what coaching could look like, feel free to reach out to me at any time at coachwithcomedy.com.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: And until next time, stay well.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: Username it's authentic me.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening.